The Two Hundredth Written by Rob Hanning
Directed by David Lee
=====================================================================
Production Code: 9.8
Episode Number In Production Order: 200
Episode Filmed On: 23rd October 2001
Original Airdate on NBC: 13th November 2001
Transcript written on 18th October 2001
Transcript {David Langley}
Act 1
Scene 1 - KACL
[Fade in. Frasier is on the air.]
Frasier: Welcome back, Seattle. Thank you for joining us for this,
our two thousandth show. Hard to believe, isn't it Roz?
Roz: No, that feels just about right.
Frasier: Ah, yes, well what a festive day this is. No stop has been
un-pulled. I would like to take this opportunity to
acknowledge the anniversary luncheon spread supplied by our
friends at Senor Jose Fong, home of the sweet and sour taco.
And don't forget, a little later, we'll have Microsoft
chairman Bill Gates, live in studio to congratulate me on my
two thousandth show. Apparently, I hear through the
grapevine, he is a big fan. Roz, what do we have next?
Roz: It's time for another blooper.
Frasier: Oh, well, I believe we're up to number four, as voted by you,
the listeners. Here's what happened when a certain producer
didn't realize her microphone was on during the show.
Roz: [on tape] Yeah, what the [beep] is this!? You call this a
[beep] paycheck?! How the [beep] am I supposed to live on
this [beep]!? I'm gonna have a little word with that
[beep]-damn station manager, walking around here like he owns
the mother[beep]ing place!
[Kenny comes in and leans over the extra mike.]
Kenny: Can't believe that wasn't voted number one.
Frasier: Ladies and gentlemen, it's our station manager, KACLs own
Kenny Daley.
Kenny: Listen, Doc, I got a special someone out there who'd like to
say "Hello".
Frasier: By all means, let's bring him in, Kenny. Ladies and
gentlemen, our special guest has finally arrived. Please
welcome...
[Bulldog Briscoe comes in and loudly barks, then hits his air horn.]
Frasier: ...Bulldog!
Bulldog: Great to see you, Doc. Hey, Roz.
[Roz makes a gesture of greeting that looks suspiciously like "Up
yours".]
Frasier: Well, ladies and gentlemen, it's our old friend and former
colleague, Bob "Bulldog" Briscoe. Thanks for coming down and
helping me celebrate my two thousandth show.
Bulldog: Yeah, yeah congrats. I didn't' think you'd last two weeks.
Listen up, sports fans, Bulldog here! I know what you're all
thinking: Bulldog's been gone too long. How can you get me
back on the air? Okay, listen up. You send your cards and
letters of support to Kenny Daley, KACL, PO Box....
[Kenny steps in and waves to Frasier and Roz. Bill Gates is with him.]
Frasier: Bulldog, our special guest has arrived.
Bulldog: PO Box 451, Seattle...
Frasier: Bulldog! Would you and your noisemaker wait in Roz's booth?
Bulldog: This is an air horn, Doc.
Frasier: Yes, I was referring to that flapping hole above your chin,
now get out!
[Bulldog leaves and Bill Gates comes in.]
Frasier: Ladies and gentlemen, let's please welcome Microsoft chairman
Bill Gates. Good to see you sir.
[Bill sits down in the chair in front of the other mike.]
Bill: Sorry I was late.
Frasier: That's quite all right.
Bill: I was just talking to an old friend.
Frasier: Yes.
[Noel passes by the window and flashes Bill the Vulcan "Live Long and
Prosper" sign. Bill gives him a thumbs up as Frasier and Roz share a
surprised look.]
Frasier: Well, I've got so many questions to ask you, why don't we
just dive right in? I've been wondering, when did you first
become a fan of my show?
Roz: Excuse me, Warren from Kirkland is on line two.
Frasier: Yes, Roz, I won't be taking any calls until after Mr. Gates
has left.
Roz: Actually, it's for Mr. Gates.
Frasier: Well, go ahead, caller, you're on with Mr. Bill Gates.
Warren: Yeah, hi, Mr. Gates. I bought your new Windows XP program
and I'm about to install it as an upgrade. Do I have to make
a boot disk?
Bill: That's a very good question, you don't need to make a boot
disk. You just put the CD in and it'll upgrade.
Frasier: I hope that answers your question, Warren...
Bill: It's a feature of XP, very quick, very smooth. Hey, this is
fun.
Frasier: Thank you for calling, Warren. Now, where were we?
Roz: Can Mr. Gates take a few more calls? The board is lighting
up! Wow, who knew we had a line seven?
Frasier: Roz, I believe Mr. Gates is probably anxious to get on with
the interview?
Bill: No, no, I'm happy to.
Frasier: Very well. Go ahead, caller.
Caller: Wow, Bill Gates, this is so cool!
Bill: Thank you.
Caller: Hey, I have a question about multi-lingual user interface
add-ons. What are those?
[Frasier takes off his headphones and goes to Roz's side of the booth.]
Bill: Well, the multi-lingual add ons let you run Windows in
different languages. You can use it in German or...
Frasier: Can you believe that egomaniacal gasbag? He's taking over
my show!
Roz: Don't you think you're exaggerating just a bit?
Bill: Who do we have next, Roz?
Roz: We have Bob, from Freemont. He has a question about his
laptop.
Bill: Go ahead, Bob, I'm listening.
[The others happily watch as Frasier stands there, fuming. Fade out.]
Scene 2 - Frasier's Apartment
[Fade in. Frasier comes into his bedroom, lays his jacket on the bed
and opens his briefcase. He takes out a tape.]
Frasier: Two thousand shows.
[He walks to the armoire and opens it, revealing a collection of all
his shows. He put the tape in the next open slot and reverently
passes a hand across the collection. Niles calls from the living
room.]
Niles: Hurry up, Frasier, we're gonna miss the reservations!
Frasier: Yeah, I'll be right there.
[He goes to his dressing room and puts on a different jacket. Coming
back, he closes the armoire and heads for the living room, only to stop
short, a disturbed look on his face. He goes back and opens up the
armoire, then jerks in shock and gasps. Cut to - the living room.
Niles, Daphne and Martin are waiting for Frasier.]
Daphne: Two thousand shows. That's quite a milestone.
Niles: It certainly is. Can anyone tell me what happened today? I
forgot to listen.
Martin: I just listened for five minutes in case he asks me what my
favorite part was.
Daphne: I just say the call from Tacoma. There's bound to be a call
from Tacoma.
[Frasier comes out.]
Frasier: Excuse me, could I see all of you in my room for just a jiff?
[They follow him off.]
Martin: But I'm hungry!
[Cut to - Frasier's room as the all come in.]
Frasier: Okay, are we all here? Good.
Martin: What's wrong?
Frasier: Something is amiss.
[He dramatically opens the armoire.]
Niles: I'll say. I always thought that was a sweater cubby.
Frasier: Well it's not. It's a collection of all my shows. I was
just examining my collection when I realized that someone had
placed one of my tapes upside down.
[Martin gasps.]
Martin: What kind of sick, twisted...well turn it right side up and
let's go eat! You probably did it yourself!
Frasier: All right, conceivably, but...I guarantee you I would never
remove my tape from the case and replace it with "The Best
of Hall and Oates". All right, I won't be mad, just tell me:
who did this?
[The others just stand there.]
Frasier: Nobody did this?
Martin: Tell you what, I did it. Now can we go eat?
Frasier: Not so fast, Dad. Okay, let's examine the evidence.
[The others all let out groans. Martin sits down on the bed, Niles
takes the desk chair, Daphne wanders back.]
Frasier: A Hall and Oates tape. That rules you out Dad. And it
definitely rules out Niles.
Daphne: [in tears] Dr. Crane...
Frasier: Or does it? Perhaps the tape is just a red herring, meant
to throw me off the scent. A psychological game. There's
only one of you that would combat me on that level.
Daphne: I did it.
Frasier: Ah ha!
Niles: You can't say "Ah ha", you thought it was me.
Frasier: Why'd you do it, Daphne?
Daphne: I didn't mean to. I was trying to listen to a tape in that
boom box you gave me for Christmas. Only I wasn't getting
any sound and I didn't know if it were the tape or the boom
box and I didn't have any other tapes so I grabbed one of
your tapes just to test the boom box out and it turns out it
was the boom box after all. Only then I couldn't get it out
of the boom box so I used a screwdriver to pry it out and I
broke the tape, I'm so sorry.
[She sits down on the bed in tears, Niles gets up to comfort her.]
Niles: There, there, Daphne...
Frasier: Stand down, Niles.
[He sits on the bed next to Daphne.]
Frasier: Daphne, do you realize what you've done? This isn't like any
other tape you can go down to your local music shop and
purchase, it's unique. And irreplaceable.
Niles: Can't you just get the station to make you a copy?
Frasier: Unless I get the station to make me another copy. Which of
course I can. The only transgression here is that Daphne
didn't come to me with the truth.
Daphne: I'm so sorry, Dr. Crane, I will never to you lie again.
Frasier: Well, if that's what you've learned, it was all worth it.
So, what are we all sitting here for. I believe we all have
a two thousandth show to celebrate.
[Frasier closes the armoire and they all get up and head out the door.]
Niles: Hear, hear.
Frasier: So, did you all listen?
Niles: Oh, did we.
Martin: Great.
Daphne: I especially liked that call from Tacoma.
Frasier: Oh, which one?
[Fade out.]
Scene 3 - KACL
[Fade in. Frasier and Roz enter a room filled with boxes.]
Frasier: You know, in nine years this is the first time I've been down
to the archives.
Roz: Oh, my God, I remember this place.
Frasier: Really?
Roz: I came down here once after a Christmas party.
Frasier: Whatever for?
Roz: Well, I had a little too much champagne, and you know how you
get a little lonely around the holidays?
[Bulldog comes from the back and smacks Roz on her backside.]
Bulldog: Brings back memories, huh, Roz?
Frasier: Bulldog!
Bulldog: That was some Christmas, huh? When Santa left a bit Bulldog
in your stockings?
Roz: You're disgusting!
Bulldog: What, I went too far? Why don't you come back here, I'll
slip you an apology.
[Roz slaps him.]
Bulldog: Bulldog's still got it!
Frasier: Bulldog, what the hell are you doing here?
Bulldog: Oh, this is my new job. I, uh, catalogue the archive. You
know, I clean up a bit. But I figure I'll be back on the air
in no time, as long as I attack this job with my trademark
"Can Do" attitude.
Frasier: Great, then. We're looking for a copy of my show, episode
893.
Bulldog: No can do.
Frasier: What?
Bulldog: What? I've only been here an hour, I don't even know where
the john is. Where's my Powerbar? I had a Powerbar here.
Someone stole my Powerbar! This stinks! This is total BS!
This is...oh, here it is.
[He grabs it and goes out the back door.]
Roz: Frasier, here's a box marked "Best of Crane".
Frasier: Oh, thanks Roz, let's have a look. Ah, good.
[He opens the box and finds it almost empty.]
Frasier: There's just a few tapes in here. All right, keep looking.
[Kenny comes in.]
Kenny: Oh, hey, Doc.
Frasier: Kenny, just the man I was looking for. Listen, where are all
the tapes of my shows kept?
[Kenny lifts the lid of the box.]
Kenny: You got 'em. Right there.
Roz: Well, where are the rest of them?
Frasier: Yes!
Kenny: There are no rest. We record over them. I mean, look
around, Doc, we've got a space problem down here.
[Bulldog comes in the back door.]
Bulldog: Hey, Kenny, where do you want me to put these snow tires?
Kenny: Oh, put 'em right to my kids' bikes.
[He happily heads out the door. Fade out.]
Scene 4 - KACL
IT'S A FANCY WAY
TO SAY "FAVOR"
[Fade in. Frasier is on the air.]
Frasier: Good afternoon, Seattle. Before we go to the phones, I have
a boon to ask of you. If any of you happens to have in your
possession a tape of my broadcast from June 14, 1996, I am
in need of a copy. You see, I understand that from time to
time, people who call into my show record it, perhaps in
order to review my advice or even to play it for some
friends. Now, I realize this is a bit of a long shot, but
it is the only missing tape of my collection and therefore
of course has great sentimental value. Thanks for your
consideration. Now, Roz, who's our first caller?
Roz: We have Joe from Bachon Island on line one.
Frasier: Go ahead Joe, I'm listening.
Joe: About that missing tape...
Frasier: Yes, yes?
Joe: I know what you're going through. A couple years ago, I was
in a taxi cab and lost a gold cuff link.
Frasier: Yes, and this relates to my missing tape how?
Joe: Well, it's missing and I'm bummed. It had the initials "J S"
on it. If anyone finds it, I'd love to have it back.
Frasier: Yes, I'm sure you would, but unless it's about my missing
tape, well then I would prefer to stick to calls about mental
and emotional issues as usual. Thank you for your call.
Who's our next caller, Roz?
Roz: We have Phyllis from Green Lake.
Frasier: Phyllis, go ahead, I'm listening.
Phyllis: My cat ran away last Wednesday. She's orange with a white
chest and one white paw...
Frasier: Phyllis, all right. Hold on, hold on a minute! All right
now, listen to me people. I don't want to turn this show
into the lost and found bin of the airwaves. Phyllis I'm
going to let you finish your description of your cat and then
we're going back to our regular show, all right?
Phyllis: Okay. She has green eyes, a rhinestone collar, and when
she's happy...
[The scene dissolves to later.]
Frasier: Let's recap: in the last three hours, we have located a
missing engagement ring, one lost cuff link, two missing
cats, and we've actually reunited Eric from Belltown with his
biological parents. Still, sadly, no sign of my missing
tape. To that end, listeners, please scour you attics,
basements, hope chests, whatever. Meantime, this is Doctor
Frasier Crane wishing you good day and good mental health.
And don't forget to look behind things.
[He takes off his headset as Roz comes over from her side.]
Roz: I'm sorry, Frasier.
Frasier: Oh, that's all right, Roz. It'll turn up, I mean it's only
the first day. Word'll get around, I'm sure somebody has
that tape.
Roz: I just don't want you to get your hopes up too high. Chances
are, that tape is gone for good.
Frasier: Well, if that's the case, then so be it. Life will go on.
[He heads out the door. Dissolve to - Frasier's bedroom. Frasier is
trying to sleep, tossing and turning, but still staring at the empty
spot in his collection. Fade out.]
Act 2
Scene 1 - Frasier's Apartment
THE LOST WEEKEND
[Fade in. Frasier comes into the living room in his bathrobe.]
Daphne: Hello, Dr. Crane. How was your nap?
Frasier: Lovely. Daphne, could you make me a cup of tea, please, and
whatever meal would be appropriate for this time of day?
[He plops down on the couch. Eddie puts his head in his lap while
Daphne sits on the arm of the couch to comfort him.]
Daphne: Dr. Crane, you've been in bed all weekend. How about going
for a nice walk?
Frasier: No thanks.
Daphne: Well, how about going to a movie then? Take your mind off
your troubles.
Frasier: My car's in the shop.
Daphne: You could take public transportation.
[Frasier lets out a little laugh, then quiets down again. The doorbell
rings.]
Daphne: Oh, I wonder who this could be? [She opens the door.] Oh,
look, it's your brother Niles, here for a visit.
Niles: [entering, he speaks very slowly and clearly] Hello, Frasier,
how are we today?
Frasier: What the hell is wrong with the two of you? You'd think I'd
been found walking in the park in my underwear, talking to pigeons.
Daphne: Would we like a walk in the park?
[Frasier gets up and heads for his room. Niles follows. They meet
Martin coming into the living room.]
Niles: All right, Frasier, Frasier wait...
Martin: Hey, lookin' good, buddy.
[Frasier just keeps walking.]
Martin: Not any better, huh?
Daphne: No, and I feel just awful. This is all my fault.
Martin: Oh, come on.
Daphne: I'm the one who ruined his treasured collection.
Martin: Oh, all his crap is treasured. But look, don't feel bad.
I've broken lots of his stuff.
Daphne: I've never heard of you breaking anything.
Martin: That's because I know how to cover my tracks. Take a look at
that fertility god statue over there. It used to be a lot
more fertile if you know what I mean.
[Daphne goes over and looks closely.]
Daphne: Oh my God! This is a Tootsie Roll! That's brilliant!
Martin: Aw, that's nothin'. Here, check out this vase. [he pulls
down a piece of pottery] Two years ago Eddie and me were
horsin' around and I knocked it over, it took me hours to glue
it back together again.
Daphne: Why, you can't even tell. I had no idea you were so devious.
Martin: Come on, I'll show you how to make ginger ale look like fifty
year old brandy.
[Cut to - Frasier's bedroom. Frasier is back in bed, Niles is sitting
on a chair next to him.]
Frasier: Listen, Niles, I appreciate your concern, I really do, but
frankly I am in no mood to endure therapy with my younger
brother, no matter how well intentioned.
Niles: I am not trying to butt in, I'm just curious as to why this
tape matters so much to you. Do you ever listen to these?
Frasier: Once. When I had a date over. Proved a useful mood setter.
Niles: Okay... Well, tell me this, then: do you ever intend to
listen to any of the others?
Frasier: Don't know.
Niles: So, why is it so important to you to have each and every one
of them?
Frasier: Because it's a collection, Niles. That's what a collection
is.
Niles: Is it possible that a harmless collection has become an
unhealthy obsession?
Frasier: It's, it's just a hobby. All right?
Niles: Or an obsession.
Frasier: An eccentricity.
Niles: Or an obsession.
Frasier: You know, it's a quirk. That's it, I'm quirky. I'm
delightfully quirky.
Niles: Do you realize that your delightful quirk has brought your
life to a standstill?
Frasier: Niles, I've just finished my two thousandth show. I'm
exhausted, physically and emotionally. I believe that I am
entitled to an entire weekend of doing nothing, don't you?
[He rolls over.]
Niles: Do you know you have your pajamas on backwards?
Frasier: Another delightful quirk of mine.
Niles: Not from where I'm sitting.
[Martin comes in, holding a piece of paper.]
Martin: Hey, Fraizh! The station called, some guy has your tape.
Frasier: Oh, uh, well, thanks, Dad. Yes, well, I'll tend to this by
and by...
[He sets the paper down. Niles grabs it.]
Niles: All right, I'll get the car.
Frasier: I'll put on some pants.
Niles: Zipper goes in front.
[He leaves, Frasier glaring after him. Fade out.]
Scene 2 - Tom's Apartment
[Fade in. Tom is bringing a plate of snacks out of the kitchen when
there is a knock at the door. He answers it to find Frasier.]
Frasier: Hello.
Tom: Hello, yes, Dr. Crane. Please come in. Please make yourself
at home.
Frasier: You must be Tom.
Tom: And you must be the greatest radio talk show host ever!
Frasier: You can call me Frasier.
Niles: I think I'll wait outside.
Tom: I didn't know you were bringing someone.
Frasier: Oh, Tom, this is my brother Niles.
Tom: Oh.
Niles: Hello, Tom.
Tom: Hi, yes. Uh, didn't you fill in on Frasier's show a couple
of times?
Niles: Well, yes actually I did.
Tom: Yeah, yeah, you were all right.
Niles: You flatter me.
Tom: So, what's it like?
Niles: Excuse me?
Tom: Being Frasier Crane's brother? Being able to talk to him
whenever you want, having access to that great brain twenty
four hours a day?
Niles: You know, I think I left my lights on.
Tom: No, no please, don't leave yet. Please, if you don't mind,
I was hoping you'd take a picture of Frasier and I.
Frasier: Well, of course he doesn't mind. Actually, I've even brought
along an eight by ten photo, personalized, of course.
Tom: Oh, my, that's really, I don't know...
Frasier: Yes, I thought you might like that.
Tom: I'll have to do some rearranging, but don't worry, I'll find
some room for it somewhere.
[He opens the curtains on the back wall to reveal a wall full of signs,
posters and photos of Frasier. He pins the new one in place.]
Niles: I, uh, thought that was a window.
Tom: Yeah, well it was. Okay, I'm gonna go get the camera.
[He heads off.]
Niles: Frasier, this man is deeply disturbed.
Frasier: Why? Because he has a few pictures of me on his wall?
[The phone rings.]
Niles: This man is obviously obsessed with you.
Frasier: What is it with you? I'm obsessed, he's obsessed. I think
you're the one who's obsessed with being obsessed.
Niles: All right, I apologize. He's delightfully quirky.
[The answering machine picks up the phone. The outgoing message is
Frasier's voice, recorded from the show.]
Machine: Go ahead caller, I'm listening.
Caller: This is your mother. Call me and change that stupid message
already!
[Tom comes back in the room with an instant camera.]
Tom: Aw, mom, get a life why don't you. Here we go. [he sits on the
couch, his arm around Frasier] Now I want to record this
historic moment, because I don't want to wake up tomorrow and
find out this was all part of a dream. Because I've had this
dream before. Many times. Sometimes we're in London, sometimes
we're in Paris, sometimes we're riding mules down the Grand
Canyon.
[Frasier has begun to look nervous at this, but Niles takes the
picture.]
Tom: Oh my God! This is gonna be the jewel of my collection. I'm
gonna get a special frame for it and I'm gonna look at it
while I'm listening to the show and I... Oh, wait a minute.
Uh listen, uh Frasier's brother, your thumb was in front of
the lens. If you don't mind, just one more. And you know
what, bring that chair closer come over here for a second,
sit there, this is gonna be great. [He urges Frasier over
to the chair.] Sit there, just like that, and this time, why
don't you act like you're giving me advice.
Frasier: Right, all right. Tom, I was just wondering, have you ever
called into the show?
Tom: Me? Why would I call the show?
[Niles takes the picture again.]
Tom: Ooh! Did your head just touch that?
Frasier: Yes, I'm sorry.
Tom: Don't be.
[Tom grabs a plastic container and takes the doily from the back of the
chair.]
Frasier: Oh, so, Tom. I take it you've been listening to the show for
some time.
[Tom sits down and puts the doily in a plastic bag and then into the
container.]
Tom: Are you kidding? From day one. I got so hooked that
eventually I started taping them so that I didn't miss
anything. I even was skipping out of work early so I could
make sure to be home on time.
Niles: So, Tom, in a way you could say your obsession with your
collection was bringing your life to a standstill.
Tom: Yes, yes exactly. Until I realized how ridiculous I was
being. I mean, missing work to tape the show?
Frasier: Good for you, Tom. So you could say that it's possible to
have a passion for collecting without losing sight of your
priorities.
Tom: Yes, exactly. And that's why I quit my job. Oh, this turned
out really nice. And you know, eventually, the money ran out
so I got a gig as a night doorman. And that way, I could oh
[he takes the camera back from Niles] I could, uh, you know
listen to the show a second time on my Walkman and then I
could do my transcriptions at work.
Frasier: You transcribe the show?
Tom: Well, you gotta have a backup.
Frasier: Listen, Tom, you know I must confess I'm a bit concerned.
I'm delighted to have you as a fan, I really am. But the
whole purpose of my show is to help people live better lives,
and I'm afraid that I've hurt yours. I just...there should
be more to life than...there should be more.
Tom: Yes, but as you always say: Life is most fulfilling when
spent in the pursuit of one's passions.
Frasier: Yes, but as I've also said: Weave the tapestry of your life
with many diverse threads.
Tom: Ah, yes, but you added: Make sure to weave the pattern that
pleases you most.
Niles: "Weave the tapestry with diverse threads"?
Tom: Yes, Frasier said all of these things, and many others. He
is a genius. Would you like some guacamole?
[They all sit.]
Frasier: Yes, thanks Tom. Look, I don't really want to talk you into
anything, it seems I've done enough of that already. [Tom
hands him a chip with sauce on it.] Thank you. Tom, what
I'm getting at here is that I think there could be more to
your life than just my tapes and pictures. Now, if you'd
be interested in exploring those issues further, I can
recommend someone who'd be glad to talk with you.
[Behind Tom, Niles shakes his head and mouths "Not me.".]
Tom: Why? I have you.
Frasier: Thank you. Well, you know, I think it's time we got going.
[They all get up and Niles and Frasier head out the door.]
Tom: Oh no, so soon? Well I suppose someone like you has a lot
of things they gotta do. I'm glad you could come at all.
Please, stop by any time you want.
Frasier: Thank you, Tom, it was a pleasure.
Tom: Oh, don't forget your tape.
Frasier: You know, Tom, I'd like you to keep that.
Tom: But, this is the reason you came.
Frasier: If I ever need it, I'll know where to find it.
[He leaves. Niles pauses in the doorway.]
Niles: Um, you know those shows where I sat in for Frasier? You
wouldn't happen to have those tapes, would you?
Tom: Sorry, I don't collect just anything.
[Niles, disappointed, leaves. Fade out.]
Scene 3 - Frasier's Apartment
[Fade in. Daphne is on the couch, Martin is in his chair. Frasier and
Niles come in the front.]
Martin: Hey, there he is. Did you get your tape back?
Frasier: Actually, no I didn't.
Daphne: What happened?
Frasier: Daphne, tonight I saw an example of how an obsession can take
over a man's life. I don't want to be that man. Therefore
I chose to leave it and render my collection imperfect. But
that's all right, you see, I don't need things to be perfect.
[He starts walking across the living room, then notices something.]
Frasier: Hello? Something's amiss.
[He picks up the pottery Martin showed Daphne and gasps.]
Frasier: My double handled amphora! All right, no one leaves!
[He turns around to an empty living room. Fade out.]
Credits:
Frasier is finishing his reworking the amphora. He gets up to replace
it on the shelf as Martin comes in. As Frasier puts the vase down, he
notices the fertility idol and takes a closer look. Spotting this,
Martin quickly turns around and heads back to his room.
Clip Show Transcript {Kelly Dean Hansen}
[This special was aired immediately following the expanded 200th episode.
Throughout the transcript, the speech headings of the cast will be given
by the first names of the actors, whether or not they are in or out of
character. Bob Costas will be represented by his last name. The Clip
Show was directed by Kelsey Grammer.]
[Set of "Frasier." John Mahoney is seated on Martin's chair, petting
Moose. Jane Leeves, David Hyde Pierce, and Peri Gilpin are seated on
the couch, and Kelsey Grammer on a chair next to the couch. The
interviwer, Bob Costas, is seated on a chair next to John Mahoney.]
Costas: So, you've just seen the 200th episode of "Frasier," no doubt
the most successful spinoff in television history, and this
show has more Emmys than the Yankees have pennants. We've
gathered the essential cast here: Kelsey and John and David
and Peri and Jane and "Eddie" the dog, whose real name is
Moose--and that has to be the first question. It's one thing
for an actor or actress to have a stage name, but how the hell
does a dog whose real name is "Moose" learn to answer to
"Eddie?"
John: [chuckling] He doesn't most of the time.
Costas: There you go!
[The cast chuckles.]
Kelsey: No, that's the beauty of it. He really doesn't do any of
the things that we ask him to do.
[Cut to three outtakes from the Season Four episode A Lilith Thanksgiving.
Niles is telling his family that he is depressed because it is his first
Thanksgiving without Maris.]
John: What's wrong?
David: Oh, just a little depressed. It's my first Thanksgiving without
Maris.
[Moose barks.]
John: Oh, I know son, it's hard.
David: Remember the year... [Moose whines.] Quiet, I'm talking!
[John breaks into laughter. David smiles. Cut to a second outtake.]
John: What's wrong? [Moose barks.] Shut up! [He and Kelsey smile.]
[Cut to third outtake.]
John: What's wrong?
David: Oh, I'm just a little depressed. This is my first Thanksgiving
without Maris.
John: Oh, yeah, I know son, it's tough.
David: Remember...
[Moose whines very softly. David looks bewildered and breaks into
laughter. Cut back to interview.]
Costas: I hear that sometimes he short-circuits, though, and he goes
off, like into another bag of tricks besides the one he's
supposed to do, right?
David: We all kind of do that. [Cast chuckles.] You know, if it's
been a really long night.
Kelsey: [over David] Yeah, with this many shows...
[Cut to an outtake from the Season Eight episode Mary Christmas.
Martin, Daphne, and Niles have all opened their gifts early, and are
wearing or enjoying them. They watch Frasier hosting the Christmas
parade on TV.]
Kelsey: [from TV] You know, gifts can't be opened until Christmas day.
You know, in my house, we don't even shake the boxes.
[As John begins to make Martin's "shameful" look upon hearing this,
Moose pokes his head between the chair and the TV tray, attempting
to grab what looks like a candle. He has a bow on his head. John
grabs the candle and pretends to throw it away for Moose to fetch.
Moose falls for it and runs off. David grins widely and John begins
to laugh. Cut back to interview.]
Costas: Who screws up the most?
[The other four all stare at John.]
John: Why are you all looking at me?
Kelsey: [over the mumbling of the others] Actually, we were thinking
maybe you knew!
[Cut to an outtake from the Season Four episode A Crane's Critique.]
David: It's not just for our benefit. After all this baseball, the
man must be starved for intellectual stimulation.
John: Oh, I guess what...um...oh, I go, oh,I know what you're saying.
That, uh this...
David: I have no idea what you're saying. [Kelsey joins this sentence.
All three begin to laugh.]
[Cut to an outtake from the Season Two episode Burying a Grudge.
Martin is speaking to Daphne.]
John: She's got this gigantic rear end, I mean it's enormous! It
looks like she's shoplifting placemats.
[Jane and John both have puzzled looks on their faces after this
utterance. Kelsey can be heard sniggering in the background, and John
and Jane start to crack up. The line should have been "shoplifting
throw pillows."]
[Cut to an outtake from the Season Three episode Look Before You
Leap. Martin is talking about the plane crash from which he
escaped.]
John: The last thing I remember is this fat lady from across the
aisle barreling down on me like a polyester avalanche!
[Kelsey and David look at each other and begin to laugh. This was
the correct line. Cut to another outtake of the same scene.]
John: This big fat lady from across the aisle is barreling down the
chute after me like an alabaster porpoise!
[John chugs a beer as Martin. Kelsey laughs uncontrollably. David
looks bemused, and joins in the laughter.]
[Cut to an outtake from the Season Three episode Come Lie With Me.]
John: I'm going to start wearing washed pants. That damned dryer
again.
[Kelsey and David are trying to process this utterance.]
Kelsey: Did he say "washed pants?"
[Cut to an outtake from the Season Four episode To Kill a Talking Bird.
This is in the kitchen of Niles's Montana apartment. Martin is staring at
Baby the cockatoo, trying to meet the bird's gaze.]
Kelsey: You know, Daphne, perhaps we should leave these two alone. I
sense a real battle of wits shaping up here.
[John continues the routine, but he and Jane crack up immediately after
Kelsey leaves the room. Cut back to interview.]
Costas: Who's most like his or her character, and who's least like?
John: [perhaps sarcastically] I think Peri probably is least like her
character.
[Cut to an outtake of the Season Six episode The Dinner Party.
Roz is in the kitchen preparing to go out with Daphne.]
Peri: Why, because I'm not cultured, I'm not sophisticated, is that
what you think? I would...[expletive bleeped]
[Kelsey and David react to this.]
[Cut to an outtake of the Season Eight episode Forgotten But Not Gone.
The scene is at the radio station.]
Kelsey: This is Frasier Crane, reminding you that a great wine is like
a great woman: always intoxicating, ever surprising, and only
getting better with age.
[Peri moves to the door separating Roz's booth from Frasier's microphone.
She cannot open it. She reaches through the glass window (in which there
is really no glass) and unlocks the door. She opens it from the "correct"
side and stares at Kelsey with a huge grin, to which he reacts.]
[Cut to an outtake of the Season Seven episode Radio Wars.
The scene is at Café Nervosa.]
Peri: Hey, look, that's them over there with Kenny. Wow, the Chicken's
a lot better looking than on his bill...[she stutters] Wow, the
Chicken's a lot better looking...
Kelsey: Wow, the yeah. [he chuckles]
Peri: Wow, the Chicken's a lot better looking than on his billboards.
Of course he's not squatting in a...feather...suit. Oh [bleep],
I'm sorry! Okay.
[Kelsey and Peri laugh. Cut to another take of the same scene.]
Peri: Wow, the Chicken's a lot better looking than on their
billboards. Of course he's not squatting in a feather suit
trying to...Shoot! [Roz-like] Okay, don't look at me!
Kelsey: Okay, I'll stop looking at you. [they laugh]
[Cut back to interview.]
Peri: I remember some bad sound cues.
[Cut to an outtake from the Season One episode Fortysomething.
Frasier is at the piano playing at a Beethoven piano sonata. Kelsey
presses the keys of the piano, and no sound comes out. A second after
this, the sonata is heard.]
Kelsey: Let's try that again.
[Cut to a very brief outtake, apparently from the Season Eight episode
The New Friend. Kelsey is opening the door to reveal Peri. The
doorbell is heard as he is opening the door.]
[Cut to another outtake from Radio Wars. Frasier is in bed. The
phone rings and Kelsey answers "Hello." The phone then rings again, and
Kelsey looks at it. Cut back to interview.]
Costas: They say that you like to skate on the edge. You don't really like
to memorize your lines perfectly.
Kelsey: That's true because, um, you know after you play the same character
after eighteen years, ah, it's a skill I've developed. I like to
think of it as a skill. The rest of the cast will tell you
different.
David: You can see it, too, when the car is going to go off the tracks.
You can see it in your eyes. It's going, it's going, oh, no,
there it goes. [The other cast agree with this.]
Costas: He gets a certain look?
David: Like a deer in headlights, and then a deer under headlights.
[Cut to an outtake from the Season Six episode Frasier's Curse.
The scene is in Café Nervosa.]
Kelsey: [spoken rapidly] I have an extremely important job interview.
A job for which I am eminently qualified, but that I am no
longer bound to get because...I am completely [slowing] out
of lines! [David laughs.]
[Cut to another outtake from To Kill a Talking Bird. This scene
is at the radio station.]
Peri: You know, Frasier...
Kelsey: Roz, Roz, please, I know what you're going to say. That I
should get back up on that horse, that I'm too good a catch
to...Sorry. Roz, Roz, I know what you're going to say...
please, please, I know...Sorry. Roz, Roz, please, please I
know what you're going to say. Let me do it again.
[Cut back to interview.]
Costas: Let me ask each of you to pick a single scene that you'd put
on the clip reel. If one clip is going to go in the time
capsule, what's your choice?
John: Mine would be, uh, the exploding, uh, uh, shaving cream.
[Cut to an outtake of the climactic scene from the Season Four episode
Are You Being Served? David (Niles) enters from the bathroom
covered with shaving cream. The door is covered too.]
Jane: Dr. Crane, are you all right?
David: I'm fine. Just a little hot...and foamy.
John: You know what must have happened? My "Hot and Foamy" must have
ex...[he breaks into laughter, unable to finish the word. Jane
is also laughing hysterically, and Kelsey and David can no
longer resist.]
Kelsey: I was so good until then!
Jane: As was I!!
John: All right.
[They all attempt to regain their composure and dry their eyes.]
John: [clears his throat] All right! [regaining a straight face]
You know what must have happened? My "Hot and Foamy must have
exploded!
Jane: He was a detective, you know.
[Now it is Jane who cannot restrain herself. The others join the
laughter. Cut back to interview.]
Peri: My favorite is John. It's very early on, and he's trying so
hard to remember his line. He's trying so hard, and he thinks,
"If I start over and I do, like a huge body movement, if I
connect my words to my body movement, and do it over, and over,
and over again, somehow it'll all come to me.
[Cut to an outtake from the Season One episode Here's Looking at You.
Martin is looking through the telescope out the window.]
John: Hi! How 'ya doing!
Kelsey: What are you doing?!
John: She's waving at us. I'm waving back.
Kelsey: Don't do that!
John: Why?...uh...[stutters, laughs. Cut to another outtake of the
same scene.]
John: Hi! How 'ya doing!
Kelsey: What are you doing?!
John: She's, uh, waving, I'm waving back!
[Kelsey laughs.]
John: Hi! How 'ya doing!
Kelsey: What, what are you doing?!
John: She's waving at us. I'm waving back.
Kelsey: Dont' do that!
John: Why not? Hey, uh, she's right...
[Kelsey laughs. A crew member enters the scene, does something with
Moose, and leaves again.]
John: Hi! How 'ya doing! [Kelsey and John both laugh.] How 'ya
doing! [They continue to laugh.]
Kelsey: What are you doing?!
John: She's waving at us. I'm wading...waving...Hi! How 'ya
doing!
[Jane can now be seen joining in the laughter, and Kelsey now can't
control himself. Cut back to interview.]
David: Mine, I think, you know [to Kelsey] there's the one you do in
the coffee shop with me, where...
Kelsey: Yeah, right.
David: He just has a line that's completely unintelligible.
[Cut to the line, which is from the Season One episode You Can't
Tell a Crook From His Cover.]
Kelsey: [very slurred, fast, and nearly impossible to understand]
Yes, I almost had to sustain him when Daphne announced that
she was gonna go out with him.
[Cut back to interview.]
David: And it doesn't matter--you can watch it a thousand times,
you can put it on pause, you can put it on slow motion, you
can get a translator. You still will never know what he is
saying.[but you read it here! Cut to the line again, then
back to David.] It's just kind of a fun game to play at home.
[Cut to the line a third and final time, then back to the
interview.]
Jane: I would have to say anytime John Mahoney--your name's coming up
a lot, John--has to say anything like...anything foreign, a
foreign name, or a country, or just somebody's name.
Kelsey: Oh, yes, those are amazing.
Jane: You just have to wait and see what comes out of his mouth.
John: That's not fair because the writers set me up on that a lot
of the time. They did. They were gunning for me.
[they chuckle]
[Cut to an outtake of the Season Three episode High Crane Drifter.]
John: When I was in Korea, I dropped in a foxhole just outside of
"Pan Mun Yum." [He, Jane, and Kelsey begin to laugh.]
[Cut to an outtake of the Season Five episode Perspectives On Christmas.
It is in the Crane kitchen.]
John: Well, the next thing I know, he's roped me in to play a
shepherd. Well then, Dutch Gavorst...[he grins]
[Cut to another take of the same scene.]
John: The next thing you know, Dutch Gavance...
[Cut to another take of the scene.]
John: I got roped in playing a shepherd, and then Dutch Gavanzfort...
[he loses control and cracks up].
[Cut to another outtake from Forgotten But Not Gone. This is
at Frasier's and Niles's Wine Club.]
John: Now, I've got a big plate of "Gevushloschin" waiting for me
at my table at home [the word should have been
"Gewürzplätzchen." David and Kelsey laugh as he exits.
Cut back to interview.]
John: You might be interested in some of the people who do "Frasier."
[The others agree.] Kelsey is an amazing mimic.
Kelsey: Once in rehearsal years ago, it suddenly occurred to me that I
was doing Bette Davis.
[Cut to a scene of the Season Three episode Kisses Sweeter Than
Wine.]
Kelsey: [imitating Bette Davis] A rug? Where a rug doesn't belong?
[Cut back to interview.]
Kelsey: And, we kept her in the show, and she has shown up several
other times.
[Cut to a scene from Frasier's Curse.]
Kelsey: [as Bette Davis] Nancy Kurds?
Jane: [reading] "Mother of three. Successful physician. Has
invented a drug that may aid in the treatment of cancer."
Kelsey: [as Bette Davis] Ah! A cure...for cancer!
[Cut back to interview.]
John: We have to try to keep a straight face.
Jane: He's got many more.
John: It's insane.
Kelsey: Well, we do, uh...
Jane: There's Walter Matthau.
[Cut to a scene from the Season Three premiere She's the Boss.
Frasier comes running out of his bedroom.]
Kelsey: [as Walter Matthau] What the hell was that?!
[Cut back to interview.]
Kelsey: Uh, Jackie Gleason we've done...
[Cut to a scene from the Season Two episode Adventures in Paradise,
Part II. Frasier is approaching Lilith, who is sitting in
Martin's chair.]
Kelsey: Put down that mango, my dear. It's time you tasted the
forbidden fruit. [Bebe Neuwirth rises from the chair to face
Kelsey. As Jackie Gleason] Yeow!
[Cut back to interview.]
Kelsey: Sylvester the cat.
[Cut to a scene from the Season Three episode The Show Where Diane
Comes Back. The scene is a theater where Diane is putting on a
play.]
Kelsey: I may be able to illuminate you [lisping] F-F-Franklin.
[Cut to a scene from the Season Two episode Fool Me Once, Shame On
You, Fool Me Twice.... The scene is in Café Nervosa.]
Kelsey: Then that would make you a priest?
Priest: (Bernard Kuby) Yes.
Kelsey: [taking his briefcase] Well, then, [lisping] F-F-Father...
[Cut back to interview.]
Kelsey: Oh, yes, and certainly we do, um...
Peri: Jack Benny.
John: Oh, Jack Benny of course.
[Cut to a brief outside shot from an episode impossible to identify
with certainty (Ask Me No Questions perhaps?) Kelsey has his
hand on his face and looks suspiciously about. Cut to another scene
from another unidentifiable episode in Frasier's apartment. Kelsey
makes the same Jack Benny gesture.]
[At this point, the commercial break in the clip show occurred.]
Costas: What didn't make it into a show that you wish had?
Kelsey: One of my favorite things ever was when I...I there was a
road crew working down below, and Frasier was just trying
to get some rest.
[The following never-used scene was almost certainly intended for
She's the Boss.]
Kelsey: [shouting off the balcony] Ohh! For the love of humanity!
You, yes you in the orange hats! Shut up!
[Cut back to interview.]
Kelsey: The, uh, notion that we are like a family is definitely one
that is true, I mean, we'll be doing a scene and the real
name comes out, you know, in the middle of a scene.
[Cut to an outtake from the Season Seven episode They're Playing
Our Song. Frasier and Martin are seated at the table.]
Kelsey: The truth is, Dad, I just don't know if I can do simple.
John: Well, I don't know whether you can do it or whether you
just don't want to. You know, Kels... [he chuckles.
Kelsey smiles. Cut back to interview.]
Kelsey: The restaurant show, for instance, was a great show where we all
got to work together.
[Cut to an outtake from the Season Two episode The Innkeepers.
The scene is the kitchen ofa restaurant that Frasier and Niles have
purchased.]
Kelsey: [entering] Niles, this veal piccata has to be veal marsala.
[David takes the veal off a plate that Kelsey is carrying, tosses it
back to Jane, who washes it off in the sink, then tosses it back to
David, who is wearing a chef's hat. David tries to catch it on the
plate, but misses. Cut to another scene from the episode. A muffled
boom is heard outside the kitchen.]
Kelsey: What was that?
[Peri enters, hair on end, covered with debris from the explosion.]
Peri: Big blue flash...cherries everywhere.
[Kelsey, as Frasier, grimaces at the sight. Cut back to interview.]
Peri: I don't think there's anything we haven't been through together.
We're still...we're still a family. [The others agree.]
Costas: One of the show's creators, David Angell, was on American
Flight 11 on September 11. How has that changed the atmosphere
in the weeks subsequent to his death?
David: It certainly reminded us of the best things about what we do
and the best things about the show because certainly David
represented that.
Kelsey: Yeah.
Jane: Absolutely.
Kelsey: Absolutely, and it was funny, when we were reviewing some of
the clips that we were going to show tonight, there's a couple
of shots of David in there [various shots of David Angell
appear over the following] just to remember what a great spirit
he was, and what an important part of the show he was. But
that, actually, isn't gone. That element of the show isn't
gone.
Peri: I feel like this is a part of Lynn and David's legacy, and it
makes me even more proud to be part of it. And almost
protective...even protective of it.
Costas: Part of television life is doing promos. Does that sit well
with you?
Kelsey: Ha! I'm not sure it sits well with them, actually, after they
get through with it. Um, Jane had a particularly interesting
time with some promos. [Jane covers her face in embarassment.]
[Cut to a take of a promo with Jane sitting in Martin's chair.]
Jane: You're watching UPN 69. [She laughs. Cut to another take.]
You're watching UPN 69. [She laughs even earlier. Cut to
another take.] You're watching...[she cannot say the rest
before she cracks up. Cut to another take.] You're watching
UPN 69. [The laugh has begun before "UPN" is uttered. Cut
to another promo, probably for a different station.] This
one's even worse! [She laughs hysterically and this continues
as she reads the following.] Hello, Seattle, you're turning
us on...you're turning me on...[Cut to a promo for a
different station. Jane is in the same position for all of
these.] You're watching KDLT. We got the good stuff. [She
can't utter the second sentence without laughing again. Cut
back to interview.]
Costas: For a show that's so well-written, there's a fair amount of
physical comedy.
Kelsey: One of my favorite routines was actually breaking down...well,
I like to think of it as making love to myself on a bed.
David: [teasing Kelsey] Oh, in the show you mean?
Kelsey: Yeah, in the show. [The others chuckle.]
Costas: Would you care to elaborate?
Kelsey: Uh, actually, you can just watch the clip.
[Cut to the famous scene from Adventures in Paradise, Part II.
The scene is in Bora Bora. Frasier is shaking and jumping on the
fragile bed as he fakes a sexual encounter when jealous of Lilith.]
Kelsey: [listening at the wall while kneeling on the bed] Nothing!
Damn her, she can give as good as she gets! [He begins to
bounce on the bed.] Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, Oh Mama! Oh,
oh, God you are so hot! I am burning up! [He stands and
begins to jump on the bed.] That's it! That's it! Yes! Yes!
Oh, my God, yes! [He begins to shake the canopy, banging it
on the wall.] Keep it up, baby! Oh, you're killing me! Oh,
God, you're an animal! Yes!!
[Lilith and Brian (Bebe Neuwirth and James Morrison) have entered
and are looking in the door. Madeline (JoBeth Williams) has entered
from the bathroom. All stare at Frasier (Kelsey) in horror. He
then notices them. Cut back to interview.]
Costas: 200 episodes. How much longer can you go and maintain the
quality, have it still be fun?
[They all laugh.]
Kelsey: Well, you know...there is a natural ending to it, and you know,
it seems to be landing somewhere around 11 years and, uh, that
will probably be our graceful exit from the history of
television.
[As we fade out, a famous scene from the Season Two episode Daphne's
Room (A Room With a View) is shown, with Frasier accidentally
seeing Daphne in the shower, her screaming, and him running horrified
out of the room.]
End Credits
[We are being shown an outtake that turned out to be a little joke on
Kelsey. It is from the Season Four episode Daphne Hates Sherry.
Kelsey is in a bathtub with a mask over his eyes. We here John yelling
"Frasier!" Kelsey replies, "I'm taking a bath!" We then see John
entering the bathroom wearing shorts. He climbs in the tub, surprising
Kelsey, and then the rest of the cast, including David, Jane, Peri, and
guest stars Dan Butler and Marsha Mason, join them, creating a large
hot-tub like scenario. Butler has a cigar in his mouth. Kelsey then
yells "Cut!" This is the only end credit sequence, if it counts, where
we have ever heard dialogue over the "Tossed Salads and Scrambled Eggs"
rendition.]
[NB: Of interest--Earlier in the evening, NBC showed two reruns from
Season Eight, Hungry Heart and Daphne Returns. In place of the
credit sequences for those episodes, NBC aired yet two more outtake
sequences. After Hungry Heart, a series of takes from the Season
Six episode Our Parents, Ourselves were shown. They featured
Jane attempting to say the line, "Her dress is slit so high, you can
almost see Caracas." (referencing Miss Venezuela while Daphne is
watching a beauty pageant). Jane can't say the line without laughing.
After Daphne Returns, a clip from the Season One episode Call
Me Irresponsible was shown. It was the Christmas Card picture
sequence from that episode. John walked forward, then realized he
had forgotten something. "I forgot my cane," he said, laughing.]
Legal Stuff
This episode capsule is copyright 2001 by David Langley & Kelly Dean Hansen.
This episode summary remains property of Frasier, Copyright of Paramount
Productions and NBC. Printed without permission.
