Radio Wars Written by Sam Johnson
& Chris Marcil
Directed by Sheldon Epps
=====================================================================
Production Code: 7.3
Episode Number In Production Order: 148
Original Airdate on NBC: 7th October 1999
Episode filmed on 14th September 1999
Synopsis written on 7th October 1999
Transcript written on 30th January 2000
Transcript revised on 22nd April 2001.
Transcript {nick hartley}
Act One.
Scene One - Frasier's Bedroom.
It is pitch black at a quarter past six in the morning. The phone
rings. Frasier switches the light on revealing he is in bed. He
answers the phone.
Frasier: Hello.
Carlos: [v.o:] Dr. Crane?
Frasier: Yes, who's this?
Carlos: [v.o:] Dr. Kaufmann. Bob Kaufmann of the National
Psychotherapy Institute. Oh my gosh, it's six-fifteen in the
morning, your time. I hope I didn't wake you.
Frasier: No, no, I was up. Er, where did you say you were calling
from?
Carlos: [v.o:] The National Psychotherapy Institute...
Wee now see that it is not Dr. Kaufmann on the phone. Frasier is
actually on the receiving end of a prank call from KACL's new morning
team, "Carlos And The Chicken." Throughout this scene we swap between
KACL studios and Frasier's bedroom.
Carlos: ...In Saddle River, New Jersey.
Frasier: Oh yes, of course. What can I do for you?
Carlos: Oh, for Pete's sake. No one called you? You won our Radio
Therapist of the Year Award. Congratulations.
Frasier: [takes it in] Well, thank you. Of course, the work itself is
honour enough.
Carlos: Thank you! And I'm sorry about the mix-up. The problem is
we're going to need some pictures of you so we can get
started on the statue.
Frasier: Statue?
Carlos: For our Hall of Thinkers. [aside:] Ange, he never got the
packet!
Frasier: Is there anything I can do?
Carlos: Well, it's a little late now, but maybe if you describe your
body we could get started on the preliminary carving. The
sculptor's right here. Fortunately we got the Gustov
Brumhalt.
Frasier: Oh, my.
The Chicken takes on the German accent of Gustov.
Chicken: Dr. Crane, please, ja?
Frasier: Yes, yes, this is Dr. Crane speaking. Herr Brumhalt, may I
say, it's quite an honour.
Chicken: Ja, Ja, Ja. We have your face, very handsome, but I need you
to describe your body.
Frasier: Yes, of course. Er, six foot one, medium build, broad
shoulders, sublimely proportioned.
Chicken: Ja, das ist gut, Ja. But before I order my marble I need to
describe your, how do I say this, where you sit? Ja?
Frasier: Oh, my posterior, yeah well, that's a little sensitive, isn't
it? [laughs]
Chicken: Oh, you don't want to tell me, I understand, it's a big one.
Ange, order the big marble, please.
Frasier: Please put Dr. Kaufmann back on.
Chicken: No, I have a better idea. Why don't you send us a picture of
your...
Chicken reverts to his normal voice.
Chicken: ...hindquarters and send it into KACL's new morning team:
Carlos: "Carlos And The Chicken"!
Chicken: Squawk, squawk.
Frasier: [takes it in] Dr. Kaufmann? Ange?
Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment.
Frasier enters from his room that morning as Daphne does the same.
Daphne is trying to contain her laughter.
Frasier: Morning!
Daphne: [nearly laughing:] Good morning, Dr. Crane.
Frasier: You won't believe what just happened to me! I was the victim
of a radio prank.
Daphne: Oh, how terrible.
Frasier: Yes, it's a sad day when getting a man to describe his own
behind passes as humour.
Daphne enters the kitchen laughing uncontrollably. She comes back
with coffee.
Frasier: You heard the whole thing, didn't you!
Daphne: Ja! I'm sorry Dr. Crane, but they can be funny.
Frasier: Oh, that's all right, Daphne. "Carlos and the Chicken" are
the sort of performers who keep popping up on the radio
these days. So-called humourists who rely on cruel pranks
and scatalogical references. Well, I suppose that's the
sort of thing that passes for entertainment these days. You
know, perhaps it's just a generational thing.
Then Martin enters, walking cane in hand, laughing his socks off.
Martin: They got you good! The Chicken was on fire, what a great
bit.
Daphne: Yeah, I think it will be bit of the day.
Frasier: I'm going to bed.
Martin: Frasier, wait a minute, can you get me a tape of the show?
Frasier: What on earth for?
Martin: How often do you get to hear your son on the radio?!
Frasier stares.
Frasier: I'm on the radio everyday!
Scene Three - Café Nervosa.
Frasier takes his coffee from the counter and meets Roz at a table.
Frasier: Hello Roz, I suppose you heard about my unscheduled
appearance on KACL's new morning show.
Roz: No, what happened?
Frasier: Well, the less said about it the better.
Roz: Come on Frasier, why don't you pull up a couple of chairs
and tell me about it? [laughs]
Frasier sits.
Frasier: Was everyone in Seattle listening at six in the morning?
Roz: They did it at six. I heard the replay at eight.
Waitress: I heard it at nine-fifteen.
Roz: Congratulations, you were bit of the day.
Frasier: Oh, I thought the entire thing was rude and childish.
Roz: Well, you're just mad because you fell for it. Come on,
Frasier, "Hall of Thinkers"?
Frasier: Well, it's not such a bad idea. In a society where we
glorify our atheletes and rock musicians, I thought maybe
we should... [then] Well, it was early.
Meanwhile, Kenny, Carlos and the Chicken enter and sit down at the
opposite table. Roz notices them.
Roz: Hey, that's them over there with Kenny. Wow! The Chicken's
a lot cuter than he is on his billboard. Of course, he's not
squatting in a feather suit trying to hatch Carlos's head.
Frasier: Do you know, I think I might just go over there and
introduce myself.
Roz: I don't know what you're thinking, but don't.
Frasier: I'm just going to go over there and let them know that what
they did today was completely unacceptable.
Roz: Frasier, I know guys like this. Once they know they can
rattle you, they never stop. Just take your lungs and laugh
it off.
Frasier: I'm perfectly capable of laughing it off, I just want to let
them know that I don't appreciate being made the punchline
at my own station. I'm going to go over there and tell them
from now on, I don't want to be part of their shenanigans.
Roz: Oh God, please don't say shenanigans!
Frasier goes over to the table.
Frasier: Hello Kenny. I believe introductions are in order.
Kenny: Oh, right, Dr. Frasier Crane, this is the Chicken and Carlos.
Carlos: Ah, ah...
Kenny: What?
Carlos: We're actually called "Carlos and the Chicken."
Frasier: Yes well, nice to meet you boys. About this morning...
Kenny: Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, I don't want to see any feathers flying here.
[laughs] Just kidding.
Carlos: Dr. Crane, I hope we didn't go too far. We love your show.
Frasier: Really, you're listeners?
Carlos: Oh yeah, we're big fans. And you know, the last thing we want
to do is step on your toes.
Frasier: Well you know, you do tread a fine line with your style of
comedy, but perhaps you can be excused for stomping on it
rather exuberantly on your first day. Just keep in mind in
the future that this station does have a certain pecking
order. [laughs]
Carlos: We totally get it, Dr. Crane, it felt wrong when we did it.
Chicken: Sure did, sure you're not upset or anything?
Frasier: Oh no, no harm, no foul. [laughs]
Chicken: It's great meeting you, Dr. Crane.
Frasier: Likewise, boys. Hey, call me Frasier, but don't call me at
home.
Carlos: And Dr. Crane: we're listening!
Frasier: [laughs]
Frasier goes back to Roz.
Roz: Is it over? I couldn't look.
Frasier: God's sakes Roz, have a little faith in me, after all I do
reason with people for a living. It's all settled. You know,
they're good kids really, quite sensible actually.
Roz: Yeah, if you go for beer-belching frat boy types.
Which I do - was the chicken wearing a wedding ring?
Frasier: You know, I really did overreact this morning. After all,
it was kinda cute, I suppose. [laughs] "Hall of Thinkers."
Never let it be said that Frasier Crane is the kind of man
who is incapable of laughing at himself.
The waitress brings him two cakes.
Waitress: These are for you.
Frasier: [laughs] Yes, I see, some patron has sent me some sticky
buns. [to café] Very funny. Very funny, indeed.
Waitress: You ordered those, sir.
Frasier: Oh, so I did, thank you.
Frasier tucks in.
TAKE THAT, ALFALFA
Scene Four - Frasier's Apartment.
Martin is on the phone to his friend. Frasier is drinking coffee.
Daphne is also hanging around. The doorbell sounds.
Martin: No kidding. He's flying you to Las Vegas for the fight?
[so Frasier can hear:] That's a great son you've got there,
Duke.
Daphne: [opens door to Niles:] Good morning, Dr. Crane.
Niles: Hello, Daphne. Dad. Frasier, I thought you might like to join
me. I'm going down to Abigail's to have my crepe pans
reseasoned.
Martin quickly turns away the phone so Duke doesn't hear.
Frasier: Gosh, I'd love to Niles, but I've just drawn a nice herbal
bath.
Martin turns the other way.
Martin: [laughs] No, it's Daphne, she's watching PBS. Okay, I'll
talk to you later, Duke. [hangs up:] Does the whole world
have to know what goes on in this house?
Frasier: Help yourself to some coffee, Niles.
Niles: Thank you.
Frasier exits to the bathroom.
Daphne: Dr. Crane, how do you know it's time to have your crepe pans
reseasoned, anyway?
Niles: It can be confusing. But this may help: "Saucepans in summer,
crepe pans in fall, when winter's upon us, there's food for
us all."
The phone sounds.
Martin: Whoever it is, I'm not home, I'm not here!
Niles: [answers] Hello.
Chicken: [v.o with accent:] Is Dr. Crane there?
Niles: No, actually he's taking a bath.
Chicken: Who's this?
Niles: This is his brother, Niles.
Chicken: Okay, well this is the building superintendent. I'm in the
bathroom just below his and I think the pipes are getting
corroded. Is your brother putting anything unusual in his
bath?
Niles: I'm not exactly sure what he puts in his voice. Better let
me ask him.
Niles exits with phone.
Martin: I smell a bit.
Daphne: Put the radio on.
Martin does.
Scene Five - Frasier's Bathroom.
Meanwhile, Frasier is enjoying his bath whilst singing "I'm in the
Mood for Love." Niles enters.
Niles: Frasier. Frasier, what do you put in your bath water?
Frasier: You know very well, it's a propriortory.
Niles: No, no, no, it's your super. There's something corroding the
pipes in the unit below you, he thinks it may be something in
your tub.
Frasier: [to phone:] Hello, yes, I'm sure it's not my fault but if
you insist, I use... [waits for Niles to exit] ...jasmine,
lavender, rose hips and a little Tahitian Vanilla.
Chicken: Yeah well, it sounds okay. Boy, with a bath like that I bet
the ladies sure go for you though, huh?
Frasier: Yes well, love does enter through the nose.
Chicken: Hey you know, the neighbours down here have been complaining
about a little sound bleed-through. I think we got a bad
tile, I sure would like to check it. I heard you sing into
the phone earlier. You think you could, I don't know, do it
again?
Frasier: All right.
Frasier begins singing "I'm in the Mood for Love" again.
Chicken: Yeah, that's great. I definetly heard some bleed through.
You know, I could isolate the tile if you could just walk
around a little bit, or maybe you know, if you could stomp
around that would be great.
Frasier: Stomp around?
Chicken: Yeah, well look, if it's too much trouble I could send my
assistant, Jimmy, up to stomp around.
Frasier: Oh, no, no, please. You just leave Jimmy where he is. I
certainly don't need an audience while I'm singing in the
bathtub.
Chicken: I really appreciate this. We'll get it all cleared up in a
jiffy. Thanks a lot, Dr. Crane.
Frasier: Just wait a second and I'll tell you when I'm ready.
Frasier gets out of the bath and puts his robe on.
Frasier: I'm ready. Here goes.
Frasier, whilst singing his song, jumps around the bathroom producing
a farce.
Cut to: we see a clip of Roz listening to this in her car.
She sinks her head down onto the steering wheel.
Chicken: Oh my God! The whole ceiling's falling down. Ow!
Frasier: [goes to edge:] Oh, good Lord.
Niles runs in shaking his head.
Frasier: Niles, be careful, the whole ceiling's caving in.
Chicken: Hey listen, I think we found out what the problem is: it's
that humungous ass of yours!
Carlos: Listeners, "Carlos and the Chicken" are offering one thousand
pounds for the best picture of Frasier Crane's humoungous ass
for our website.
Then they start playing a them song that goes "Frasier Crane's
humoungous ass contest." Niles looks on to a bewildered Frasier.
Frasier: Oh, dear God.
Niles: Now, now, it won't get you down for long. You've always had
a thick skin. Unless that Tahitian Vanilla softened you up a
bit.
Frasier: Get out!
Niles runs out.
End of Act One.
Act Two.
THE UMBRELLA POLICY
Scene One - Frasier's Apartment.
It is another morning in the Crane household. Martin is sat in his
chair, wearing his dressing gown and reading his paper. Frasier
bursts in with a sweater tied around his waist to cover his back
side. As he enters we can see camera flashes outside. Frasier is
carrying a medicine bottle.
Frasier: [enters] Leave me alone! For God's sake, have some respect.
Martin: Was that Mrs. Curdsmen?
Frasier: She dropped her medication in the hallway. As I stooped to
pick it up, out came her camera like an assassin's blade.
Well, if she wants to control those blood clots, she'll
cough up that film! [puts the pills on the cabinet]
Martin: You're really getting riled up.
Frasier: I certainly am.
Martin: Come on, they're just pranks. Back in the force, we used to
do stuff like this all the time. Fill a guy's hat with
shaving cream or nail a guy's shoes to the floor. Sometimes
we'd get a guy dead drunk and leave him in a drawer in the
morgue. [laughs]
The doorbell sounds. Frasier crosses to the door.
Frasier: You know, dad, I might have been able to laugh it off if all
of Seattle hadn't started stalking me with cameras!
Frasier looks through the spy-hole in the door. He then quickly opens
the door, pulls a surprised Niles inside, and slams the door again.
Frasier: Quickly now, inside, come on.
Niles: Why didn't you hold the elevator? Didn't you hear me
shouting?
Frasier: That was you? I'm sorry, Niles, I was afraid you might be
trying to get a picture of my butt!
Niles: How exciting to be present at the birth of a new phobia.
[gives Frasier a look]
Frasier: I'm talking about Carlos and the Chicken.
Niles: Oh, yes, their little contest. I can't believe anyone's
taking that seriously.
Frasier: Oh, well, they won't be for much longer. I've decided it's
time to fight back. I was up to all hours last night
crafting my response to those two idiots. I believe I have
arrived at a masterful rebuttal.
Martin: I'm not sure you want to call it your reBUTTal.
Frasier and Niles cross to the table where quotations books are layed
across the table along with Frasier's speech.
Niles: I see your "Bartlett's" is out. You're not pulling any
punches!
Frasier: Hardly. I go in swinging with La Rochéfoucauld: "If we had no
faults of our own, we would not take so much pleasure in
noticing those of others."
Niles: [boxing-match style:] Ouch!
Frasier: And when I've knocked them reeling, I go in with a jab of
Dorothy Parker: "Wit has truth in it, wise-cracking is
merely calisthenics with words."
Niles: Pow!
Frasier: And when they're bloody and against the ropes, I go in with
the kill: Twain, Wilde, Twain, Twain, Mencken.
Niles: It's not a fight, it's an execution!
Martin: You know Frasier, if you go and read that on the air you're
going to set yourself up for a year of abuse. You know, this
kind of thing is probably the reason why these guys started
picking on you in the first place.
Frasier: Dad, what exactly are you saying? That I somehow managed to
bring all this misery on myself?
Martin: No, I'm not saying that, just... well, have you ever
wondered why these bullies have always kind of zeroed in on
you two?
Niles: No, we don't wonder why, we know the reason:
Frasier:
[in harmony:] Jealousy!
Niles:
Martin: Okay, so there's a little bit of that too, but you know, you
kinda give people the impression that you're above them.
Frasier: Pish-tosh!
Niles: Poppycock!
Daphne enters in her gown.
Niles: Morning, Daphne.
Frasier: Oh, Daphne, do you think we're snobby, superior and
condescending?
Daphne: That's it! I'm getting my door sound-proofed.
Martin: See what I mean? People think you're stuffy. You know, with
your opera parties, and your wine parties, and your seasoned
crepe pans.
Frasier: In my defense, Niles is the only one who seasons his crepe
pans.
Niles: Which is the precisely why I've had the same set since the
ninth grade, thank you very much!
Martin: My point is, you guys could never resist putting on airs.
Even when you were in junior high, you used to love that TV
program, "The Avengers." You used to run all over the
neighbourhood pretending you were that guy with the
umbrella - em, Steve.
Frasier: Steed!
Niles: Dad!
Frasier: There were worse role models. Steed was dapper and witty.
When anyone tried to give him grief, he gave them a sound
thrashing with the umbrella.
Martin: Well, that's great, admire him if you want. But did you have
to run through the neighbourhood in bowler hats? You were
just begging to get beat up.
Frasier: Come to think of it, it was rather a rough summer that year,
wasn't it?
Niles: I remember getting a chin strap, so the bowler wouldn't fall
off when I ran.
Martin: And all that did was make you look like Elizabeth Taylor in
"National Velvet." My point is, if you go down to the
station and read that over the air, then you might as well go
down there in a great big bowler hat. I mean, people are
never going to let you forget it.
Daphne: You know, it's funny hearing you talk about "The Avengers."
My first Halloween in America, I went to a party dressed as
Mrs. Peel. Head-to-toe in that skintight black leather
catsuit. [Niles looks on] Come to think of it, I still have
it somewhere, and Halloween's coming up.
Martin: Yeah, catsuit. [referring to Eddie who has just come in:]
Better not let this guy hear you talking about that, he'll
go nuts.
Niles: I would not! [sees Eddie:] ...be surprised if he did!
Ho-ho-ho. [strokes Eddie]
The phone rings.
Frasier: Excuse me. [answers] Hello? Why, Roz - yes, just calm down.
No, no, I'm not listening. Hang on a second.
Frasier turns on the radio. "Carlos and the Chicken" have put
together a tape which sounds like Roz and Frasier having sex.
Martin, Daphne and Niles can't contain their laughter. Frasier
is horrified.
Carlos: [v.o:] I think we're going to have to throw a bucket of
water on these two.
Chicken: [v.o:] Roz and Frasier stopped around for a quick hello,
next thing you know, they're getting it on in the booth!
Frasier: [v.o:] Roz!
Roz: [v.o:] Frasier!
Frasier: Roz!
Roz: Frasier!
Frasier: Do we have time to squeeze in one more?
Roz: Plenty of time, Frasier. Two more minutes.
Carlos: For a man carrying around a good fifty extra pounds
of ass, Frasier Crane has got unbelievable stamina. Frasier,
where do you get your energy?
Frasier: Lavender, rose hips and a little Tahitian Vanilla.
Carlos: Oh my God, they're changing positions. I've never
seen that one before.
Frasier: Love does enter through the nose.
Frasier turns it off.
Frasier: Call you back, Roz. [hangs up] I'm going down there.
Martin: Frasier!
Frasier: Dad, don't try to talk me out of this, I'm going to teach
those two a lesson, they'll not soon forget. [grabs speech]
Where's my umbrella?
Martin: Oh no, not that again, not the umbrella, I'm begging you.
Frasier: It's raining!
Frasier grabs his umbrella and exits the apartment to an array of
camera flashes.
Scene Two - KACL Radio Station.
Frasier storms through the double doors into the corridor outside the
studio where "Carlos and the Chicken" are live on air. Frasier bumps
into an equally angry Roz.
Frasier: Roz, what are you doing here?
Roz: Getting revenge, that's what! These guys are going down.
Did you hear the disgusting, vile things they said about me?
Frasier: Just the part about us having sex.
Roz: Exactly! And now they've got a photo contest about me now,
too.
Frasier: Roz, a thousand dollars for a shot of your behind? Sorry.
Roz: No, it's fifty bucks and a six-pack. There were seven
winners before I even left the house. Frasier, what shall we
do? Slash their tires, crack their windshields?
Frasier: I was thinking of a more direct approach, Roz.
Roz: I'm down with that too. Next commercial, I'll get the
Chicken, you take the big guy.
Frasier: No, no, that's not it and you know it, Roz.
Roz: I knew you'd say that. Fine, I'll take the big guy.
Frasier: No, no, Roz. Listen to yourself, you're lusting for blood
like a barbarian. I've a more civilised approach in mind.
I have composed a speech!
Roz stares at him.
Roz: A speech? Well, unless you plan to roll it up and cram it
down their throats, what good is that gonna do?
Frasier: Just watch me.
Roz: No, Frasier, they're never going to stop making fun of you.
Frasier: Roz, I don't care. I just figured out something, you know,
maybe you can't stop bullies from attacking you, but the
only way they win is if they change who you are, and I'll
tell you something, let them do their worst. They will not
knock the bowler off of this head!
Roz: What does that mean?
Frasier enters the booth and shuts Roz outside. Carlos and the
Chicken react to him.
Carlos: Holy Cow, look who just walked into the booth: Frasier
Crane, the automatic sex pilot.
Chicken: What's up, love doctor?
Frasier: Oh, I think you two know what's up. There's only so much I
can take, there's only so much anyone can take from a
juvenile comic and his straight man. I believe it was La
Rochéfoucauld who first said...
Chicken: Listen to me, I'll take my straight man over your sex-
starved producer any day, my friend.
Roz: [bursts in:] Nobody...
Frasier locks her out again.
Carlos: Hey, wait a second, I'm not your straight man. If anything,
I'm the funny one.
Chicken: Let's not start with this again, okay?
Carlos: You're the one who just started it, on the air!
Frasier: It was La Rochéfoucauld that first said...
Carlos: You always do this.
Chicken: Hey Carlos, the therapist said not to use the word "always."
Carlos: I just wish you could say I was as funny as you are.
Chicken: Now, I wish I could say that too, but who does all the funny
voices?
Frasier: La Rochéfoucauld once said-
Carlos: If I'm so unfunny, how come I get all the solo gigs?
Chicken: Oh, now I'm laughing, ha-ha!
Carlos: Don't believe me? Ask our agent!
Chicken: You talked to Zachary behind my back.
Frasier: You know, if I could just get a word in...
Carlos: I'm going.
Chicken: Go ahead, be my guest.
Carlos: Great, because I don't need you and I don't need "Carlos and
the Chicken."
Chicken: Oh, really? Well, best of luck, funny boy!
Carlos: Same to you, Dwayne! [exits]
Chicken: Hey, that's not cool.
Frasier: Chicken! I believe it was La Rochéfoucauld, the great French
thinker...
Chicken: I know, double-y, I went to grad school too. And P.S: It's
pronounced [different:] "La Rochéfoucald."
Frasier: That's it! Nobody challenges my pronounciation!
Frasier runs Chicken off the premises as Kenny enters.
Kenny: [calls after:] Chicken! [to Frasier:] Did you have to be so
vicious?
Frasier: Me?!
Kenny: We got dead air, take over! [exits]
Frasier: Yes, right. [sits at microphone:] This is Dr. Frasier Crane,
I'll be filling in for the next hour of the morning zoo with
my own particular brand of zany antics. [thinks, then:]
Let's see, em, you know there was a fabulous cartoon in the
recent "New Yorker". Let me see if I can describe it for you...
End of Act Two.
Credits:
Frasier's Apartment - Frasier is sat on the couch reading his book.
The doorbell sounds, Frasier answers it to Mrs. Curdsmen, the old
lady who tried to take a picture of his butt when she dropped the
medication. She hands over the film and Frasier hands over the pill
bottle. However, once again she "accidentally" drops it on the floor.
As Frasier bends to pick it up, she gets her camera out once more.
Frasier takes the pills, throws them across the apartment and shuts
the door on her.
Guest Appearances
Guest Starring
BRYAN CALLEN as the Chicken
JOHN ENNIS as Carlos
TOM McGOWAN as Kenny
DAWN McMILLAN as Waitress
Synopsis {kathy churay}
ACT ONE
SCENE ONE - FRASIER'S BEDROOM - PITCH BLACK
The phone rings. Frasier snaps on the bedside lamp, gropes for the
phone and answers groggily. It's Dr. Kaufman from the National
Psychotherapy Institute, calling to tell Frasier that he's won an
award as Radio Therapist of the Year. As Frasier fumbles for an
appropriate expression of gratitude, we see KACL's new morning radio
team, Carlos and the Chicken, in the studio as they continue their
prank call. These guys are good, and Frasier is completely taken in.
"Dr. Kaufman" tells Frasier that they need to get started on his
commemorative statute for their Hall of Thinkers, and asks him to
describe his body for the sculptor who is on the phone with them at
that very moment. Frasier complies, matter-of-factly at first, then
starting to get carried away as he describes his height, build, broad
shoulders, sublime proportions… The "sculptor" tells Frasier that he
needs a description of his posterior to order the correct size block
of marble. Frasier hesitates, and the sculptor breaks character to
suggest that instead Frasier send a photo of his obviously large rear
to the new KACL morning team, Carlos and the Chicken. Frasier is
stunned.
SCENE TWO - FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - MINUTES LATER
Frasier comes out of the bedroom tying his robe and looking for
sympathy from Daphne, who's heard the whole routine on the radio and
can't keep a straight face. Frasier's hopeful theory that such low
humor must be a generational aberration is dashed when Martin enters,
crowing over Frasier's humiliation. To Frasier's vast irritation,
Martin even expresses interest in getting a tape of the show.
SCENE THREE - CAFÉ NERVOSA - LATER THAT DAY
Roz is listening to Frasier's tale of woe with pretended sympathy,
but soon starts berating him for falling for such an obvious bit.
She notices Carlos and the Chicken enter the café with the station
manager, and Frasier steels himself to confront the pranksters. Roz
tries to explain that confronting them will only make things worse,
but Frasier won't be dissuaded. He introduces himself to the pair,
who apologize eloquently for their extreme behavior on their first
day at KACL. Frasier is mollified and crows to Roz about his ability
to laugh at himself.
SCENE FOUR - FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - THE NEXT MORNING
Martin is on the phone with Duke and Frasier is at breakfast as Niles
rings the doorbell. He invites Frasier to join him at a local
culinary shop where Niles is having his crepe pans reseasoned, but
Frasier declines. He's just drawn himself an herbal bath, and he
exits to the bathroom as Niles pours himself a cup of coffee. He's
just about to sit down with Martin and Daphne when the phone rings.
Niles answers, and it's the building superintendent in the apartment
below Frasier's. The pipes in that bathroom are corroding, and the
superintendent wants to know if Frasier is putting anything unusual
in his bathwater. Niles dutifully trots off to the bathroom to ask
Frasier, but Martin and Daphne smell a rat -- or a Chicken -- and
gleefully turn on the radio.
FRASIER'S BATHROOM
Niles explains the situation to Frasier, who is in the bath singing
"I'm In The Mood For Love." Impatiently Frasier takes the phone and
describes the fancy blend he's using for the bath. As Martin and
Daphne suspected, Carlos and the Chicken are in the studio having a
great time at Frasier's expense. They manage to talk him into
continuing to sing as he hops and stamps heavily around the bathroom
in his robe, helping them to check for loose tiles in the floor. The
radio team breaks up laughing and offers listeners $1,000 for the
best picture of Frasier Crane's "humongous ass" for their website.
Once again Frasier is stunned to realize he's been had -- and how.
ACT TWO
SCENE ONE - FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - THE NEXT MORNING
Frasier rushes in from the elevator lobby amid a storm of camera
flashes. He's wearing a sweater tied around his hips in self-defense
as one of his neighbors tries to get a picture of his posterior for
the radio team. Niles arrives almost immediately and applauds when
Frasier tells him of the carefully crafted speech he's written as a
rebuttal to the radio team's practical jokes. Getting into the
spirit, Frasier warms to his argument by quoting Mark Twain, Oscar
Wilde, Dorothy Parker and H.L. Mencken in lightning succession as
Niles cheers him ethusiastically. Martin warns him against
confronting the bullies, and tries to explain to the brothers that
they've always made themselves targets by talking down to other
people. As usual, the boys just don't get it.
Just then phone rings and it's Roz, nearly hysterical. Frasier turns
on the radio in time to hear Carlos and the Chicken's newest routine
-- a patched-together tape that sounds like Frasier and Roz having
sex in the control booth. Frasier has had enough, and leaves for the
station to have it out with the two new DJ's.
SCENE TWO -KACL - HALLWAY OUTSIDE THE STUDIO
Roz is eager to draw blood as Frasier storms in, armed with speech.
She's ready to do the new team serious bodily harm, but Frasier
pushes her aside and enters the studio for a serious confrontation.
THE STUDIO
Frasier grabs a microphone and launches into his speech as the team
looks on in amusement. Roz tries to shove her way into the booth to
get in on the action, but Frasier pushes her out again. His tirade
starts to build momentum as he reviles the two as "a juvenile comic
and his straight man." The DJ's are amused at first, but after a
moment Frasier's remarks open old wounds as the hosts begin to bicker
over long-standing differences. Finally Carlos invites the Chicken
to do the show himself, and leaves. Frasier is still trying to make
his speech, and the Chicken (who's points out he's been to grad
school himself) corrects Frasier's pronunciation of a French author's
name. That's the last straw, and he rushes out of the studio pursued
by an enraged Frasier.
FADE OUT
Legal Stuff
This episode capsule is copyright 2000 by Nick Hartley & Kathy
Churay. This episode summary remains property of Frasier, Copyright
of Paramount Productions and NBC. Printed without permission.
