Something Borrowed, Someone Blue [1] Written by Christopher Lloyd
& Joe Keenan
Directed by Pamela Fryman
=====================================================================
Production Code: 7.23.
Episode Number in Production Order: 167
Episode Filmed on: 28th March 2000
Original Airdate on NBC: May 18th 2000.
Transcript written on May 25th 2000.
Transcript revised on 2nd June 2001
Melinda Karnovsky Episodes
- [7.08] The Late Dr. Crane.
- [7.11] The Fight Before Christmas [2].
- [7.17] Whine Club.
- [7.20] To Thine Old Self Be True.
- [7.22] Dark Side Of The Moon.
- [7.23] Something Borrowed, Someone Blue [1].
Simon Moon Episodes
- [7.22] Dark Side Of The Moon.
- [7.23] Something Borrowed, Someone Blue [1].
Transcript {david langley}
Act One.
Scene One - Frasier's Apartment.
Fade In. Roz is standing at the door to Frasier's apartment, the
elevator opens and Frasier, Daphne, Niles and Mel get off.
Frasier: Oh, hi Roz.
Roz: Oh, there you are. I brought something for Daphne and I
was just gonna leave it with the doorman. [Daphne begins
to cry]
Frasier: Oh, lord. [They go in.]
Roz: Did I say something?
Frasier: Well, actually our doorman, Morrie, passed away this week.
We just got back from the funeral.
Roz: Oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry. Is she going to be all right?
Frasier: Well, you know, she's been a little high-strung all week,
even before he died. I guess it's just wedding stuff, you
know.
Roz: Yeah.
Daphne: Oooh, sorry 'bout that. So, you brought me something Roz?
Roz: Well, yeah. I figured you couldn't get married without
wearing something borrowed. [Hands her a small box]
Daphne: Oh! What a beautiful garter! Look at all the lovely
detail.
Niles: I especially like the little odometer. [Roz backhands him
in the stomach as he grins.]
Daphne: Thank you so much, Roz.
Mel: Does anybody besides me feel like a cup of coffee?
Frasier: Oh, I'll brew a pot.
Mel: Oh, don't be silly. I've been here enough times to know how
to get the coffee made. Daphne, make us some coffee.
Kidding! [She heads for the kitchen.]
Roz: [picking up a folder:] The Wayside Inn. This is where
you're having your wedding? Oh gosh, it's just so
beautiful.
Daphne: I hope it is, the planning's been a nightmare. I spent an
hour today on the seating charts. Everyone has some
demand. "Don't sit me near the band," "Do you mind if I
bring a friend?"
Roz: Oh my God, you can't seat me next to him.
Daphne: Exactly! Every selfish, whiney little thing...
Roz: No, you cannot seat me next to Tim Walsh. I dated him all
last summer and he dumped me.
Daphne: He's going with my bridesmaid Annie. I have to seat the
bridesmaids together.
Roz: This always happens to me. Is there no place I can go
without running into some guy I've dated?
Niles: I was reading about a Trappist monastery in the Amazon that
they somehow built into the treetop.
Roz: Shut up, ya big doily! This is gonna be awful! Here I am
at a wedding, sitting next to a guy who dumped me!
Frasier: Oh, come on Roz, you won't be alone. You'll be on the arm
of a well-known Seattle boulevardier and radio star.
Roz: Frasier, I can't go with you. I mean, going to a wedding
with your boss is like going to the prom with your brother.
Frasier: Niles and I did not go to the prom together! Our dates
were sick and we went stag!
Niles: In retrospect, yes, we should have canceled the horse-drawn
carriage, but hindsight is 20/20.
MEMENTO MORRIE
Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment.
Martin enters carrying a gift bag.
Martin: Hey, Roz.
Roz: Hi Martin. I'm really sorry to hear about your friend
Morrie.
Martin: Oh, thanks. Yeah, his wife just did the nicest thing. I
guess she knew Eddie and I'd stop by and shoot the breeze
with him, so she gave us something to remember him by.
Frasier: Oh, well. [Reading the tag] "For Martin and Eddie," gee
isn't that nice?
Martin: Yeah, I think it's some kinda wine.
Frasier: Well, yes I'd say so, but... [pulls out the bottle, reads the
label, and gasps] My God, Dad! This is a 1945 Chateau
Petrus!
Martin: Oh yeah? She said he got it from his uncle who was in
France after the war.
Frasier: Well it's one of the rarest bottles in the world!
Martin: Well, if you're good, maybe Eddie'll give you a glass out
of his half.
Niles: I've never even seen a '45 Petrus!
Roz: Oh, poor Morrie. He probably waited his whole life for an
occasion special enough to open that bottle.
Frasier: Perhaps this should be a lesson for us all. Morrie might be
standing guard at the door to heaven right now, but he's
buzzing us with one last message: Live life now. I'm
reminded of a parable... [knock on the door]
All but F: Come in!
[The door opens and Simon (Daphne's obnoxious brother) enters with a
duffel bag.]
Daphne: Simon!
Simon: Hello, sis.
Daphne: I thought you were in California.
Simon: Yeah, well, those friends I went to surprise were out of
town. So I decided to housesit for 'em, which was lovely.
'Til they came home last night. I don't know what all the
screamin' was about, I was the one in the tub! Where
should I put this bag?
Frasier: By the door so you don't forget it when you leave.
Simon: Right. I think I know everyone here, [spots Roz] or do I?
And what would your name be then, Miss?
Roz: Simon, you low-life idiot! You made a date with me last
week and you stood me up!
Simon: Sorry, love, I'll need a bit more to go on.
Roz: Maybe this'll refresh your memory. [Slams door in his
face.]
Simon: Roz! Of course!
Martin: Well, look who's back!
Simon: Well, who's this then? I'd say it was Marty Crane, but
he's a bit too young and trim, eh?
Martin: Oh, go on! Can I offer you a beer?
Simon: Oh, I hate to drink alone, could I have a sandwich with
that?
Frasier: If that beer-swilling boomerang thinks he's staying here,
he's got another thing coming.
[Phone rings, Daphne gets it and goes to her room.]
Niles: Better get a move on, he's already got your address on his
duffel bag.
Mel: We'd better get going if we're going to reach the cabin by
dark.
Frasier: Cabin?
Niles: Yes, Mel and I are celebrating our six-month anniversary by
taking a little mid-week getaway to her friend's country
place.
Mel: Yes, no phones, no stress, just two days of rest and
relaxation. I do have to pick up a little anniversary
gift, though, so give me nine minutes and pick me up at
the northwest corner of Pike and Elm at 4:42, coming up on
4:33...
Niles: [looking at his watch] Synchronising...
Mel: Now! Good, I'm relaxing already. [She kisses Niles and
leaves]
Simon: Thank you Marty, it's most hospitable of you.
Martin: Well, you gotta have a place to stay.
Frasier: Stop right there! He cannot stay here! The man is loud,
ill-mannered, and the last time he stayed here he killed a
ficus tree on the downstairs neighbor's balcony by means
which are best left to the imagination!
Martin: Frasier, I invited Simon to stay in my Winnebago! Come on
Simon, I'll show you your new digs.
Frasier: Oh lord. Simon, you know I...
Simon: Oh, no, forget about it. It's no worse than what I was
just sayin' about you in the kitchen.
Frasier: Good one.
Simon: He thinks I'm joking. [Simon and Martin leave]
Niles: Join me in a sherry, Frasier?
Frasier: Oh, I think I will, Niles.
Niles: You know, I have to admit, I'm a little bit nervous about
this trip. I have a feeling Mel may make another push for
us to live together.
Frasier: Oh, my.
Niles: She's been bringing it up quite a bit lately. She says
it's a good way for us to test our relationship.
Frasier: You're afraid you'll discover things about each other that
you won't like?
Niles: Oh, no. No, no. We're past that stage. She knows my
likes and dislikes. I've come attuned to her various
quirks...eccentricities...bugaboos....bête noirs...night
terrors. It's the fun of being in love. I don't know
what's bothering me.
Frasier: Is it possible that your foot-dragging might have anything
to do with some lingering feelings for Daphne?
Niles: Frasier, uh, you must realize I put that behind me months
ago.
Frasier: Just asking.
Niles: I'm very happy with Mel.
Frasier: Well then, what's your problem?
Niles: Uh, well, let's see. I just got through with a rough
divorce. I do have a tendency to be overly cautious...
Frasier: This could be a chance to change all that.
Niles: So you're in favor of it?
Frasier: Well, I've never really been the president of the Mel fan
club, but she does seem to make you happy. And as we were
reminded this morning, life is not to be taken in baby
steps. Ask not for whom the doorman buzzes...
Niles: Thank you. All right. That was much needed therapy. [He
gets up to leave.]
Frasier: Well, it was my pleasure. You're my brother, you get the
family rate.
[Martin comes in as he gets to the door]
Martin: Hey guys. Got all the way down to the Winnebago and
realized I had the wrong keys.
Niles: See you guys in a couple of days.
Martin: All right.
[Niles leaves, Daphne enters from her room on the phone.]
Daphne: You don't say, mum. Your phlebitis again? [She looks
pleadingly at Frasier and holds the phone out.]
Frasier: [bellowing:] Daphne!
Daphne: Got to go now, mum, Dr. Crane is on the warpath again.
Bye. [Hangs up.] Thank you!
Martin: Daph, I'm glad you're here, because I was thinking about
that wine of Morrie's. You know, that's somethin' really
for a special occasion. So, I'd like you to have for the
wedding, enjoy it on your honeymoon.
Daphne: [starting to cry:] Oh, Mr. Crane! [She hugs him and cries
on his shoulder.]
Martin: Oh, Daphne, come on. Come on now, it's only a bottle of
wine. I don't even know that much about it. Frasier? Help
me out here, will ya?
Frasier: Well Dad, Chateau Petrus is a premier crux Bordeaux...
Martin: No, no, no. No, I mean with Daphne. [Frasier comes over
and holds Daphne.] There you go.
Frasier: Oh, Daphne. [Martin leaves.]
Daphne: I'm sorry to get so emotional like this.
Frasier: It's all right. The funeral must've really upset you.
Daphne: It's not that. Dr. Crane? I've wanted to talk to you
about this all week, but I haven't known what to say. You
promise you'll keep this just between us?
Frasier: Of course.
Daphne: It's about your brother. You see, I know.
Frasier: Know what?
Daphne: I know about his feelings for me.
Frasier: My God! How did you find out?
Daphne: It's not important.
Frasier: Somebody blabbed, didn't they? Why can't people just mind
their own business? Who was the nattering gossip? Roz?
Dad?
Daphne: You.
Frasier: What?
Daphne: You were taking those pills for your back and you blurted
it out while I was giving you a massage.
Frasier: Oh, well, they were very strong pills you see...
Daphne: Needless to say, it completely took my breath away. At
first, I tried to forget about it, put it out of my mind.
Frasier: Well, the bottle said just to take one, but I'm a big
man...
Daphne: Oh, will you shut up about those pills?!
Frasier: I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Daphne: Anyway, after a while, I couldn't put it out of my mind
anymore. I find myself thinking about him all the time.
Frasier: Daphne...are you saying that you have feelings for Niles?
Daphne: I think I do. Oh, I don't know! Even if I did, he may not
feel that way about me anymore, he's with Mel now!
Frasier: I don't know what to tell you Daph. Uh, I, I, think the
best thing is for you to, to try to find a way to talk with
Niles.
Daphne: Ugh. That's not an easy conversation to have.
Frasier: It's easier now than after you're married.
Daphne: You're right, I have to talk to him. And right away. I'm
already making myself sick over this. If I leave it any
longer, I'll be a complete basket case. Uh, did he mention
if he was going home?
Frasier: Well, ah, actually, um, ah, he's going, ah, somewhere else
first, um...
Daphne: Where?
[Cut to the hallway. Martin and Simon are getting off the elevator.]
Martin: Get you some towels and you'll be all set down there.
Simon: Right.
[They enter the apartment, Daphne is again sobbing on Frasier's
shoulder.]
Martin: Oh, geez, Daphne! It's just a bottle of wine!
End Of Act One.
ABSENCE MAKES THE HEART GROW FATTER
Act Two.
Scene One - Frasier's Apartment.
[The doorbell rings.]
Daphne: I'll get it!
[Fade in. Daphne is in the apartment, eating cookies from a large
bag. She opens the door to reveal Frasier holding a lot of
packages.]
Daphne: Oh. Dr. Crane! I didn't even know you'd gone out. I
thought you might be your brother.
Frasier: Well, I went down to get the mail and got all these wedding
gifts for you. But don't worry, Niles called and said he'd
be coming by this afternoon.
Daphne: [picking up the bag and eating another cookie] I don't even
know how I'm going to begin this conversation.
Frasier: Well, I'm sure those chocolate-chip blackened teeth'll be a
nice icebreaker.
Daphne: I've been so nervous lately, I've done nothing but stuff
meself with junk food. [Frasier takes the bag and the
doorbell rings.] Oh, it's him!
Frasier: All right, all right, fine. You're gonna be just fine.
OK? Remember to speak from the heart.
[She opens the door to reveal Martin.]
Daphne: Mr. Crane!
Martin: Thanks! Eddie started doing his "I don't know how much
longer I can hold this" dance and I just ran out without my
keys. Have you ever seen him do that dance?
Frasier: Just the droll impression of it you do at parties, Dad.
Daphne: [again eating cookies:] You know, Mr. Crane, Eddie seems
awfully fidgetey. I don't think he got enough exercise on
that walk.
Martin: Anybody needs any excercise, it's you, the way you're
eating now. You know, when they put "Party Size" on that
cookie bag, they don't mean party of one.
[The doorbell rings again, Frasier takes the bag and Daphne opens the
door to reveal Simon.]
Daphne: Simon! What do you want?
Simon: Well, I've just come to borrow a pen so I can fill out this
job application.
Frasier: What? Oh, you're applying for work? Well here, allow me.
[Gives him a pen.] Gosh, we'll miss you around here, but
onward and upward. So, what's the job?
Simon: Doorman. [Frasier gasps.]
Frasier: Dear God.
Simon: Well, it's ideal for me, really; nice cozy chair, plenty of
time to think the long, long thoughts of youth. Not to
mention what the uniforms do for the ladies, anh? If
memory serves, a certain bellhop back in Manchester found
that out with a young lady who will remain nameless.
Daphne: Simon! I tell you, I'm this close to just poppin him one!
Frasier: Now, now Daphne. Daphne, you just have to calm down. Here,
have a cookie. [Gives her the bag.]
Simon: What is up with your appetite lately? What, are you
knocked up or somethin'?
Daphne: Of course not! [She storms toward him, Frasier grabs her.]
Simon: Now, now, you wouldn't be the first person in our family to
be walking down the aisle carrying more than just a
bouquet.
[Daphne lunges at him, Frasier holding her back. The doorbell rings again.]
Frasier: Uh, Simon, why don't you finish filling that out in the
kitchen and help yourself to a beer?
Simon: Well, great!
[He goes to the kitchen, Frasier takes the bag, Daphne opens the door to reveal - ]
Daphne: Roz!
Roz: Hi guys! Hey, Frasier? I felt kinda bad about the other
day, dumping you as my wedding date...
Frasier: You want me back, don't you?
Roz: And I'm sick about it. But I can't find anybody else.
Frasier: Sorry Roz, I already invited somebody else, she's driving
up on Saturday to join me.
Roz: Well, get rid of her! I need a date! I'm desperate!
Simon: Well, well, somebody here is singin' my favorite song.
Roz: Simon? There's a guy who lives in the park across the
street from me. He wears a cat suit and meows at people.
If he's busy, maybe I'll call ya.
Simon: I'm prettying myself up, just in case. Speaking of which,
Daphne, I borrowed your blow dryer for my job interview.
Daphne: I spent an hour looking for that! I thought I was losing
my mind!
Simon: Well, that does happen to women in your condition. You
know, in the family way.
Martin: [coming out] You're pregnant?
Daphne: I AM NOT PREGNANT!
Simon: Oh, just another scare, then? Like that time back in
school with that Pakistani chap?
Daphne: [lunges at him:] Right, that's it, you pig!
[Roz ducks out of the way; Frasier gets in front of her, scoops her
over his shoulder and heads for the door.]
Daphne: Oh, put me down!
Frasier: Daphne and I are going out for a breath of fresh air,
perhaps retrieve her blow dryer. Oh, if Niles should
happen to stop by, keep him here. There's something
important I need to discuss with him.
[He is going out into the hall as he says this.]
Daphne: Oh, for God's sake, put me down!
Frasier: Not until you promise not to kill your brother.
[The elevator opens, he goes in and puts her down. There is a
neighbor with a basket of laundry next to them.]
Daphne: Oh, all right! It's not as if he doesn't deserve it,
telling everyone I'm carrying Donny's baby! Like I don't
have enough to worry about today, waiting for Dr. Crane.
Frasier: Daphne, Daphne, you have to calm down.
Daphne: It's not easy. I don't even know how to begin with him.
"Would you like steak or salmon at my wedding? And by the
way, I think I might be in love with you."
Frasier: You'll find the words when the time comes, all right?
[Glares at the neighbor.] And don't pretend you're not
listening, Mrs. Richman! Your laundry is not that
interesting.
[N.B. Mrs. Richman is the Mother in Elevator from "Perspectives on
Christmas"]
[Back in the apartment, Roz is on the phone.]
Roz: Oh, come on George, I'm desperate here. I promise you a
good time. I mean a REALLY good time, if you get my drift.
[Pause] You might have mentioned I was on speaker-phone!
[She disconnects.]
Simon: Listen to what you're doing, Roz. It's not very dignified,
is it?
Martin: Come on Roz, give Simon a chance.
Roz: So he can stand me up again?
Simon: And miss my sister's wedding? Never! If you're worried
about my appearance, I know where I can get my hands on some
very nice Armani suits.
Martin: Or you could just grab one out of Frasier's closet.
Roz: What did you think he was talking about? All right. But
Simon, just remember my ex-boyfriend will be there. If
anybody asks, you're an internet millionaire.
Simon: Right. I'll be the perfect, well-bred, up-market gentleman.
Now, I'll walk you to the garage.
Roz: Ah, you don't have to.
Simon: No, it's no bother. I live there.
[They go to the door and open it to find (at last!) Niles.]
Niles: Roz!
Roz: Niles.
Niles: Simon!
Simon: Well, by the look of that smile on your face, I'd say
somebody got himself a bit last night. [gestures lewdly with arms]
Niles: [looking shocked and appalled] I find that remark rude,
boorish and IMPOSSIBLE TO DENY! [Breaks out laughing.]
Simon: Brilliant! [Gives him a punch in the arm, knocking him back
into the hallway; Roz just looks disgusted as they leave.]
Martin: Niles, how was your trip?
Niles: Oh, fantastic Dad, where's Frasier? I have some news.
Martin: He'll be back in a bit. What's up?
Niles: Oh, well, uh, I should wait for Frasier, it was really his
idea. Do you mind?
Martin: I can wait.
Niles: OK, I can't!
Martin: What is it?
Niles: I'm married!
Martin: Married?
Niles: Yes, Mel and I eloped yesterday. [Martin is stunned]
Well?
Martin: [gets up to hug him:] Well... congratulations, son! That's
great. So, uh, you're happy, right?
Niles: Oh, happy? I'm delerious!
Martin: Yeah, you'd have to be, wouldn't you? So, you say this was
Frasier's idea?
Niles: Well, indirectly, yeah. Oh, oh, before I forget: it
occurred to me, I think we should keep this from Daphne and
Donny. I would hate for them to think we were stealing
their thunder. [Frasier comes in.]
Frasier: Oh, Niles.
Niles: Frasier, three guesses what I did yesterday...
Frasier: What? [Daphne enters behind him.]
Niles: Daphne.
Daphne: Dr. Crane.
Niles: [to Martin:] Oh, send Daphne away.
Daphne: [to Frasier:] Get rid of your father.
Martin: Daphne, could you go to the drugstore? I'm all out of
liniment and my back's gettin' kinda achey.
Frasier: You know, Dad, that's because you've been sitting in that
chair all day. I'll tell you what, you know what you could
use? A good walk to the drug store. Do you a world of
good. I'll go with you. [Grabs his arm and cane and
starts dragging him to the door.]
Martin: Well, OK, all right. Niles, why don't you come too?
Niles: Yeah, we'll all go. [He starts to follow.]
Frasier: No, no, there's something very important I need to discuss
with Dad, Niles. I'm sure you understand.
Martin: Fraizh! [Frasier slams the door behind them.]
[Niles and Daphne look at each other a moment and then Niles' cel
phone goes off.]
Niles: Oh, excuse me. [Answers phone] Hello? Mel, darling!
Oh, just hanging out with Daphne.
[In the hallway, Frasier and Martin are waiting for the elevator.]
Frasier: Honestly Dad, when will you learn to take a hint?
[The elevator opens and they get on. Mrs. Richman is there, without
the basket, apparently going back for another load.]
Martin: I can't take a hint? Couldn't you see that Niles wanted
to talk to you?
Frasier: Well, whatever it is, it can wait.
Martin: Oh, yeah! No big deal, he just got married, that's all!
Frasier: What?
Martin: He eloped with Mel yesterday.
Richmond: Poor Daphne...
Frasier: Would you please keep out of this, Mrs. Richman? We have
got to get back up there. [Stabs at the buttons.]
Martin: We're going to the basement.
Frasier: [as the doors open:] I can't wait that long! [He runs
around the corner to the stairs.]
[Back in the apartment...]
Niles: [phone:] I'll see you later, darling. [Hangs up] Sorry
about that.
Daphne: It's all right.
Niles: So, forty-eight hours 'til the big day, you must be pretty
excited.
Daphne: It's funny you should mention that. You see, Dr. Crane...
Niles: Yes, Daphne?
Frasier: [bursts through door:] Niles!
[Niles and Daphne stand up in shock; Frasier wonders if his entrance
was precipitous.]
Daphne: Dr. Crane! You're back awfully soon!
Niles: You're all out of breath, is something wrong?
Frasier: Ah, no, no. It's just there's something I need to discuss
with Niles.
Daphne: What, now? We were just having a chat!
Frasier: Well I'm sure it can wait.
Niles: Actually Daphne, I need to talk to Frasier, too. If you
don't mind.
Daphne: Oh! Of course not! It's not like I have anything
important to talk about!
[She storms off to her room, grabbing the bag of cookies on her way.
Martin comes in behind Frasier.]
Niles: Daphne all right?
Frasier: Well, uh, it's just wedding stuff I guess. Speaking of
which, I understand you have some, some news? You're
married?
Niles: Yes. I guess Dad couldn't contain himself any more than I
could.
Frasier: Well, I thought you were just gonna move in together.
Niles: Well, so did I! But then the strangest thing happened. As
we talked about it, we got more and more excited about the
idea of being together. And then I remembered your advice:
[Martin gives Frasier a very hooded look right here] To
stop taking baby steps through life. Before we knew it, we
were asking the waitress for a phone book so we could find
a justice-of-the-peace.
[The doorbell rings, Marin gets it.]
Frasier: What can I say, but "Congratulations!"
Niles: Thank you! [They hug]
[Martin opens the door, it is Mel.]
Mel: Martin! Or should I say "Dad?"
Martin: [nervous:] Yeah, I heard.
Frasier: Mel.
Niles: [Daphne coming out of her room behind him] Darling. Oh,
darling, it occurred to me that perhaps we should keep this
quiet from Daphne.
Daphne: Keep what quiet?
Mel: Oh, we can't keep something like this a secret! [takes
Niles's hand] We got married.
Daphne: [freezes for a second:] Did you?
Niles: Yes, while we were out of town. But the last thing we want
is to upstage you and Donny, so we are not mentioning this
outside this room. [Mel makes the little lip-locking
gesture.]
Daphne: [coming to them and taking each of their hands:] Well, I am
just so happy for you both.
Niles: We're having champagne. Would you like to join us?
Daphne: Oh, I'd love to. But I have to get a check down to the
caterers, they're closing early today.
Frasier: Let me drive you over, Daphne.
Daphne: Oh, no, I'm fine. Congratulations again. Oh, save a glass
for me.
[She goes out into the hallway. We follow as she pushes the button
for the elevator. Her shoulders shake with sobs she is holding back.
As the elevator doors open, her face breaks and she lets out a sob.
Mrs. Richman is standing there with her basket. She puts it down,
opens her arms and takes Daphne into a hug to cry on her shoulder.]
End Of Act Two.
Part Two
Guest Appearances
Special Guest Stars
JANE ADAMS as Mel
ANTHONY LaPAGLIA as Simon Moon
Guest Starring
BROOKS ALMY as Mrs. Richman
Legal Stuff
This episode capsule is copyright 2000 by Nick Hartley & David
Langley. This episode summary remains property of Frasier, Copyright
of Paramount Productions and NBC. Printed without permission.
