Momma Mia Written by Rob Hanning
Directed by Kelsey Grammer
=====================================================================
Production Code: 7.1.
Episode Number In Production Order: 147.
Original Airdate on NBC: 23rd September 1998
Original Airdare on Channel 4: 7th January 2000
Episode filmed on 31st August 1999
Synopsis written on 23rd September 1999
Transcript written on 10th January 2000
Transcript Revised First on 2nd August 2000
Transcript Revised Second on 26th May 2001
Title Sequence
Above the Seattle skyline flies a plane trailing behind it a banner
reading "KACL."
Cast List [in order of appearance]
FRASIER CRANE..........................................KELSEY GRAMMER
ROZ DOYLE.................................................PERI GILPIN
FRANCESCA..............................................GEORGIA EMELIN
MIA PRESTON...............................................RITA WILSON
JESSICA..............................................DELAINA MITCHELL
MARTIN CRANE.............................................JOHN MAHONEY
DAPHNE MOON...............................................JANE LEEVES
NILES CRANE.........................................DAVID HYDE PIERCE
YOUNG NILES.................................................SEAN CAST
YOUNG FRASIER........................................DUSTIN TRAGETHON
Transcript {nick hartley}
[Act One.]
[Scene One - Café Nervosa.
Roz and Frasier are seated by the window. Frasier is waiting for his
blind date.]
Frasier: This is exactly why I hate fix-ups, she's not coming.
Roz: Just give her a few more minutes. Come on, tell me about the
cabin.
Frasier: Oh, all right. Well, mom and dad used to take us up there
when we were kids. Niles and I thought it might be a nice
birthday gift for dad if we took him up there again. [then:]
Oh, this is ridiculous! I'm being stood up on a blind date -
I'm pathetic.
Roz: You are so insecure. God! Where does that come from?
Jessica will be here.
Frasier: Jessica? I thought you said her name was Jennifer.
Roz: Jennifer? Jennifer goes out with a weatherman. She's way
out of your league. Look, let me you have your cell phone.
I'll call her and see what's going on.
[Frasier, however, is entranced by a woman that has just walked in.
However, she is with a man. The couple sit at a table opposite
Frasier and Roz.]
Roz: Frasier!
Frasier: Oh, I'm sorry Roz, the most striking woman just came in.
Roz: It's probably Jessica.
Frasier: No, no, no, it's not Jessica. She's with a man. God, I don't
know what it is about her. I can't take my eyes off of her.
Do you suppose they're a couple?
[Roz begins to look but Frasier stops her quickly.]
Frasier: Tell you what, you have to go over there for me and find
out.
Roz: What?!
Frasier: You owe me. Come on. All right, it's the table right by the
counter. Go on.
[Roz gets up, passes the woman Frasier was talking about, and goes to
a woman with a man on another table. She doesn't hear Frasier
shouting at her about it being the wrong table.]
Roz: Excuse me, I know this is a little weird. But my friend
over there thinks you're really, really cute. And he
wants to know if you two are on a date.
Francesca: A date? Oh, no, Hank and I are just friends.
Roz: Oh, that's good news. [Hank turns round and Roz notices
him:] That's really good news. Hi, Hank. I'm Roz Doyle.
[Roz sits with Hank. Meanwhile, the girl Frasier really likes gets up
and goes to the counter. Frasier decides to go and talk to her.]
Frasier: Excuse me, ah. I suppose you noticed I was staring at your
table and I was just wondering if that gentleman you're
with - is he your husband?
Mia: No.
Frasier: Boyfriend?
Mia: No.
Frasier: Oh, wonderful.
Mia: Would you like me to introduce you, he just broke up with
someone.
Frasier: No... I was staring at you.
Mia: You were?
Frasier: Yes. Gosh, I know this may seem awfully bold of me, I'm not
the sort of man who hits on every woman he sees.
[Then Francesca, whom Roz accidentally mistook for the woman of
Frasier's fancies, approaches Frasier.]
Francesca: Excuse me, hi, your friend said you wanted to know if I
was single. [Frasier is worried] It's okay, you don't
have to be embarrassed.
Mia: Yes, he does.
Frasier: There's been a little mistake. [to woman:] You see, I
asked my friend to approach this [points to Mia] lovely
woman and she obviously mistook you for the woman I
meant. Well, that's certainly understandable, seeing as
you're lovely as well. Well, it's just that at this
moment, well... [the woman walks away] Many apologies. [to
Mia:] Gosh, I'm sorry, let me start again. I'm Frasier
Crane.
[Then, Jessica, the woman who he was set up with arrives and hears
this.]
Jessica: Oh, you're Frasier. Hi, I'm Jessica - Roz's friend.
Frasier: Jessica.
Jessica: Roz thought we might hit it off.
Frasier: Indeed we might have, you see, if not for the fact I just met
this woman, to whom I'd be to glad to introduce you, except
I don't know what her name is. You know, Roz can explain
all this. She's sitting over there next to that scalding
woman.
[Jessica goes over to meet Roz.]
Frasier: Gosh, you know, you must think I'm some sort of a smooth
operator.
Mia: No, not really.
Frasier: I really am terribly sorry. Ah...
Mia: I'm Mia. Mia Preston.
Frasier: Mia. Mia Preston? The children's book author?
Mia: Yes.
Frasier: Oh my goodness. "Panda in the Parlour." Oh, wow! I love
that book, I've read it a hundred times.
Mia: I'm impressed. Most of my readers can't even count that
high.
Frasier: No, I used to read it to my son. You know, many is the quart
of milk we've poured in the back yard waiting for the Oreo
Tree to grow. Gosh, you know I'd love to take you to lunch,
sometime.
Mia: Lunch? Em... I...
Frasier: Well, all right, coffee? Anything. I'd just like a chance
to get you know you better.
Mia: Well, okay. You're certainly persistent.
Frasier: Well, as a wise woman once wrote, "No cookie jar is up too
high for a panda who will try and try."
Mia: Now you're scaring me.
THERE ARE NONE
SO BLIND...
[Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment.
Daphne is sat reading a book as Martin enters. He is dressed in some
over-sized green rubber waders which stop under his armpits.]
Martin: Hey, Daph'.
Daphne: I see you're wearing your buffet pants.
Martin: They're hip-waders. I'm breaking them in for the weekend.
Where's Fras'?
Daphne: He's probably off somewhere with that Mia.
Martin: Oh yes, it seems to be getting serious, huh? You know, it's
funny, you can always tell. He starts using French words for
no reason.
Daphne: Yeah, and that laugh, the giddy one.
[Daphne and Martin copy the giddy laugh. Then Niles and Frasier enter.
Niles is carrying a hold-all.]
Niles: Hello, all. [notices Martin:] Well, there's a faux-pas
averted. I almost wore my big rubber pants today!
Martin: They're for my trip. I'm nearly done packing. I just gotta
get my fly mast and my tackle box and there's one more
thing...
Frasier: Yes, well, we're taking off in a few hours so depeché toi!
Martin: Oh yeah, earplugs for the car-ride up.
Niles: Oh but dad, don't forgot to pack some sturdy knee socks.
[Martin exits to his room.]
Niles: I should get some for myself. You remember the insect
situation at the cabin.
Frasier: Good Lord, Niles, not this bug phobia of yours.
Niles: It's not a phobia. The mosquitoes up there are huge. My
first summer I was chased off the end of the dock by one the
size of a pelican!
Daphne: [to Frasier:] So, Dr. Crane, when do we finally get to meet
this new girlfriend of yours?
Frasier: Oh, Mia, she's on her way over right now, actually. She's
going to take me out to buy some new trousers. You see, this
new diet she's got me on, I've lost my love handles. Just
when I needed them most.
[Frasier gives that giddy laugh and Daphne reacts.]
Frasier: Niles, Niles, you got those movies?
Niles: Shush, here they are.
[Niles gives Frasier some movie tape. Niles covers him while Frasier
stores them in the wardrobe.]
Daphne: Movies?
Niles: Shush. Yes, for dad's birthday we had some old home movies
transferred to video tape.
Frasier: Gosh, you know, I haven't seen these in years. You know,
Daphne, it's going to be quite a hoot this weekend. Are
you sure you don't want to join us?
Daphne: Gutting fish, watching home movies and hosing down your
father's pants. It does sound tempting!
[The doorbell sounds. Frasier answers it to Mia who is carrying a bag
of something. Niles is taken aback.]
Mia: Hi, honey.
Frasier: Hi, Mia. [kisses] Come on in. This is Daphne Moon. [hellos]
And my brother Niles.
Mia: It's great to finally meet you two.
Daphne: Likewise.
Frasier: So, what you got there?
Mia: Oh, I baked some fat-free goodies for your trip. Oh, where's
the kitchen?
Frasier: Right this way.
Mia: And there's a ton of muffins if anybody wants one.
Niles: Oh, not for me, I have some problems with allergies.
Mia: Really? Well these are just wheat germ, oat bran and carob.
Niles: Oh well, throw in a sea scallop, you can phone the
paramedics right now.
[Mia and Frasier exit to the kitchen.]
Daphne: She seems nice, doesn't she? [silence] You all right, Dr.
Crane?
Niles: I'm sorry, Daphne, it's just that Mia looks exactly like our
mother.
Daphne: Mrs. Crane? I've only seen photos, mind, but now that you
mention it, there is a resemblance.
Niles: It's not just a resemblance. She's the spitting image, I'm
shocked Frasier didn't mention it.
Frasier: [enters] So, what do you think of her?
Niles: Well she's wonderful, but Frasier...
[Frasier is confused.]
Niles: Does she remind you of anyone?
Frasier: Oh, you noticed that too.
Niles: Are you kidding? The minute I laid eyes on her.
Daphne: Even I can see it.
Frasier: Really? Well, she does look a bit like Roz, but she's a
totally different person. You know, in fact our relationship
is unlike any I've ever had before.
Mia: [enters taking him by the hands mother-like:] Come on,
handsome. Let's go buy you some pants!
Frasier: [boyish excitement] Oh, okay!
[Mia leads Frasier out the door as Niles and Daphne give each other a
look.]
[End Of Act One.]
[Act Two.]
[Scene One - The Cabin.
It's an old rustic cabin with a stone fireplace and a wooden
floorboard. Martin enters with his cases mesmerised.]
Martin: [cheerfully sent back:] Oh, wow! Look at that. I don't
believe it. Nothing's changed. [calls:] Niles!
[Then Niles enters, glumly putting his cases down.]
Niles: [disappointed:] Wow! I don't believe it! Look at this!
Nothing's changed!
Martin: It's character, Niles. Look at this fireplace. [sits by it:]
Your mum and I used to sit in front of the fire here holding
hands. I wonder if that... [pulls up rug:] Oh, yeah! It's
still here. That graffiti that you scratched into the floor.
Niles: That's not graffiti, dad, that's a Latin pun. "Semper Ubi Sub
Ubi" - "Always Where Under Where"
[PS.: in literal translation they are the correct forms of where -
i.e., not wear]
[Car horns are heard.]
Niles: Oh, that'll be Frasier and Mia.
Martin: Yeah, I was really surprised he brought her here for the
weekend. What's she like, anyway?
Niles: Uh, well, she made quite an impression on me. I'm curious to
see what you'll think.
[Niles swats a bug above his head.]
Niles: Dad, would you hand me that valise, I want to put on some bug
repellent.
Martin: Oh, sure [hands it over:] Ooh, it's kind of heavy. What you
got in there?
Niles: Bug repellent!
[Niles opens the valise revealing cans and cans of the stuff all
lined up. Martin exits with his cases to the bedrooms. Niles then
sprays himself before spraying the air and sniffing it. Frasier
catches him and rolls his eyes.]
Frasier: Hello, Niles.
Niles: Hey, Frasier.
Frasier: [calls outside:] Honey, you stay out there as long as you
like. [to Niles:] She can't take her eyes off that sunset.
Is everything all set here?
Niles: Yes, I just want to make sure this VCR works for our little
home movies, later. [presses button twice:] Check.
Frasier: Splendid. Niles, you know what, we're going to need some
more logs from the wood pile. Come give me a hand.
Niles: [reluctant] All right.
Martin: [enters:] Fras', isn't it great to be back here? You know,
I want to thank you guys, this is some gift.
Frasier: You're welcome, dad. Listen, if you're enjoying this little
trip down memory lane, wait until you see the other blast
from the past we brought up here.
[Niles quietens him and he and Frasier exit to the kitchen. Then Mia
enters through the door and Martin reacts as if it's Hester come back
from the dead.]
Mia: Martin? Hi.
[Martin cannot believe his eyes.]
Mia: It's Mia. Oh my gosh, Frasier did tell you I was coming,
didn't he?
Martin: Oh, yeah. [laughs] Of course he did. Yeah, well, nice meeting
you.
Mia: It's very nice to meet you. Well, it's so beautiful here.
Martin: I'm glad you like it.
Mia: Are you kidding? I feel like I'm in heaven.
Martin: I'm starting to feel that way myself.
[Then Frasier and Niles enter. Frasier is obviously distraught.]
Frasier: Well, nice going, Niles!
Mia: What happened?
Frasier: Niles dropped a huge log right onto my hand when he was
startled by a moth.
Niles: It was not a moth, it was a bat. I could tell from that
eerie high-pitched scream.
Frasier: That was you! Look, frankly, I wish you'd start seeing
someone about this bug phobia of yours.
Niles: It is not a phobia. I have a healthy fear of our natural
predators. It's us versus them, and frankly I'm starting
to wonder just whose side you're on.
Frasier: It just amazes me that a good psychiatrist can be so blind
of something so obvious.
Mia: [motherly:] Oh honey, your poor thumb, we should put
something on that.
Frasier: [like a son:] You know, okay.
[Mia leads Frasier to the kitchen. Martin gives Niles a look.]
Martin: God, she looks just like your mother.
Niles: I know, and Frasier doesn't see it.
Martin: You're kidding?
Niles: No, and he has the gall to tell me I'm blind. He's clearly
the one dealing with repressed material, not to mention the
obvious Oedipal issues.
Martin: Argle, gargle, gooble, goop.
Niles: What?
Martin: Now you know how it feels, what are you talking about?!
Niles: I'm talking about Freud's theory of the "Oedipus Complex."
He believed that every man subconsciously wants to sleep with
his mother and kill his father. It's modelled on the Greek
tragedy of Oedipus, who actually did sleep with his mother
and kill his father, and when he realised what he'd done he
gouged out both his eyes.
Martin: Probably not too tough to pick that guy out of a line-up.
Niles: [notices open door:] Oh, why don't we just send out engraved
invitations for all the bugs of the forest? [shuts door] The
question is: how do we bring it to Frasier's attention?
Martin: We don't!
Niles: Dad, denial of this magnitude is not healthy, it's for his
own good.
Martin: No, Niles.
Niles: Okay, it's for my own good. Come on, after the way he wagged
his finger at me, you can't expect I'm just going to keep
quiet about this.
Mar
