Mother Load [1] Written by Lori Kirkland
Directed by Sheldon Epps
=====================================================================
Production Code: 9.12
Episode Number In Production Order: 204
Filmed: 4th December 2001
Original Airdate on NBC: 8th January 2002
Transcript written on 16 January 2002
Transcript {david langley}
Act 1
Scene 1 - The Parking Garage
[Fade in. Frasier pulls his BMW into his parking space. Just after,
Cam Winston pulls his HMMV into the spot to his right. Frasier opens
his door, but it can only swing about six inches. Cam gets out of his
car.]
Fraiser: Excuse me. Cam?
[Cam walks around the back of the cars.]
Cam: Oh, hello Frasier. Still driving a sedan?
Fraiser: Yes, well, at least mine fits in the allotted space. Unlike
this new...behemoth you're driving.
Cam: Actually, it's the new Behemoth XL. Well, use care getting
out.
Fraiser: Come back here! You know very well I can't get out!
Cam: Oh, I'm sorry. Let me see what I can do about that.
[He walks back to the driver's side of his car as Frasier pushes his
head up through his sun roof.]
Cam: Oh, tough break. If I move I'll be over the line on the
other side.
Fraiser: But you're over the line on this side.
Cam: Actually, if you were standing out here, you would see that
I'm just on the line, which, as we both know, is in.
Fraiser: If I were standing out there, we wouldn't be having this
conversation!
Cam: I wish I could help. Maybe next time you'll think twice
before calling the police when I have a party.
[He begins walking away.]
Fraiser: What makes you think it was me?
Cam: You're the only one in the building I didn't invite.
[He clicks his car alarm and leaves. Frasier, grunting, pulls himself
up through the sun roof to sit on the roof of his car. He pulls his
hands up, worried about the finish, takes off his shoes and tosses them
to the floor, then tries to ease down the back of his car. Slipping,
he grabs at the pipe above his car, pulling it loose and pouring water
over and into his car and himself. Fade out.]
Scene 2 - Niles' Apartment at the Montana
[Fade in. Daphne comes in the front door, pulling a small rolling
suitcase. Roz is with her.]
Daphne: Thanks again for the ride, Roz.
Roz: Sure, no problem. Isn't this a lot of stuff for just one
night?
Daphne: Oh, it's not for one night. Niles and I have decided to keep
a few things at each other's houses. You know, save running
back and forth.
[Niles comes in, pulling a bellman's dolly, with several suitcases and
hung garments on it.]
Niles: There you are. I thought I heard you come in. Hey, Roz.
Roz: Hey, Niles.
Daphne: My God, what is all that?
Niles: Well, it's just the stuff I'm gonna be keeping at your place.
Oh, Roz, since you're here, do you mind giving me a ride?
Roz: Well, what's wrong with your car?
Niles: I had to lend it to Frasier, his is drying out. Long story.
Roz: Well, I don't think I'm gonna be able to get all that stuff
in my car.
Niles: Oh, well I'm sure once we get the rest of Daphne's stuff out,
there'll be plenty of room.
Daphne: These are all my things.
Niles: Oh, well, uh... I guess I can do with out this dressing gown.
[He pulls one slim garment hanger from the rack.]
Niles: Oh, but, what if I'm wearing dark pajamas?
Roz: Yeah, that would be all crazy. Niles, maybe if I take the
back seat out of my car, I can cram all this stuff in.
Daphne: Yeah, that might work, but let's not move anything until
Niles and I have had a little discussion about this.
Niles: Um, well, I definitely know I'm gonna need this one.
[He hands a small bag to Roz, who's shocked at the weight.]
Roz: I'll take it down. Niles, what do you have in here?
Niles: Um...ties.
[Roz leaves.]
Niles: Something wrong?
Daphne: Where are we supposed to put all this? I cleared out two
drawers. This'll fill two closets!
Niles: Well, we said we'd both bring whatever we needed for any
eventuality.
Daphne: Well, isn't there anything you can leave behind?
Niles: I don't see how, I have formal, semi-formal, dishabille, wet
weather, cold weather, cloudy. I mean, if there's something
here you find excessive, jump right in.
Daphne: I just don't have the space, and I don't see your brother
giving up any of his. Maybe this isn't going to work.
[She sits on the fainting couch. Nile joins her.]
Niles: I'm sorry, I just thought this would make things easier.
Daphne: And it would, if I had more room.
Niles: Well, you're right. It was thoughtless of me. I guess I'm
just used to rattling around here all by myself. Sometimes
I think this is too much space for just one person.
[He gets a thoughtful look in his eye.]
Niles: You know...
Daphne: Yes?
Niles: You could live here.
Daphne: Are you asking me?
Niles: Would you like to?
Daphne: Would you like me to?
Niles: Yeah.
Daphne: Then I will.
Niles: Okay.
[They let it sink in.]
Niles: Wow! That was a big thing.
Daphne: I'll say. I'm gonna live in your apartment!
Niles: OUR apartment.
Daphne: Our apartment. Oh, my, I'm gonna have to practice saying
that. "Let's go back to our apartment."
Niles: "Why don't we meet at our apartment?"
Daphne: "Oh, my, our apartment has a gas leak."
Niles: "Oh, no! Our apartment's going to explode!"
Daphne: "Oh, no! There goes our apartment."
[They break up laughing and Daphne pushes at him, knocking him to the
floor. Roz comes in.]
Roz: So, what else are we taking?
Daphne: Good news, Roz, Niles and I are moving in together.
Roz: Oh, hey, that's great news! So I didn't have to strip two
bolts and grease up my shirt moving the seat out after all.
Daphne: Nope. And you didn't need to take Niles' ties down, either.
Niles: No. But I will get the ties. You stay here in our apartment.
Daphne: OUR apartment. Our living room, our fireplace...
Niles: Our kitchen. Our bedroom.
Daphne: Our bedroom.
[They look at each other.]
Roz: I'll get the ties.
[She leaves. Fade out.]
Scene 3 - Frasier's Apartment
[Fade in. Frasier comes in, drops his keys on the side table and
stands smugly for a moment.]
Fraiser: You should have been at the condo board meeting, Dad, you
missed all the excitement.
Martin: Don't tell me, people argued about some dumb building policy,
then you all had cookies.
Fraiser: Not this time. I gave the greatest speech of my condo board
career. Which led to a vote, which led to the ruling that
Cam Winston must now park that SUV monstrosity of his in the
SUB-basement! Then we had cookies.
[He goes to pour a glass of sherry.]
Martin: My mistake. How did Cam take it?
Fraiser: He was livid, thank you. But I pointed out that the
emissions from his oversized vehicle endangered the health
of anyone passing through the lobby, and I won the day.
Martin: People bought that?
Fraiser: Dad, I am an orator. It is not only that which is said, but
the passion with which it is said.
Martin: You're saying it now and it just sounds like a lot of hooey.
[The doorbell rings.]
Fraiser: That's because I'm not orating right now. Oh, just go back
to your paper!
[He sets his drink down and opens the door to reveal Cam.]
Fraiser: Ah, good afternoon again, Cam.
Cam: Listen, Crane, you may have bamboozled the condo board, but
we both know you just want more room to swing your fat ass
into that BMW.
Fraiser: Cam, if there is any benefit to me, it is the cleaner air
which we will all now breath.
Cam: Oh, get off your high horse. You do your share of polluting
with that substitute for masculinity you're driving.
Fraiser: If mine's a "substitute for masculinity", then what is yours?
Cam: Bigger!
Martin: Ha!
Fraiser: That wasn't funny. I'm sorry, Cam, but I believe the issue
is closed. It was voted on by the majority. In the spirit
of the great democracy that is America, I believe that is
check and mate. Good day.
[He closes the door in Cam's face and retrieves his sherry.]
Fraiser: Boo-hoo, Cam, no more blocking my driver's side door.
Martin: Do you think that's smart? Ticking off the guy who lives
right above us?
Fraiser: Dad, we are protected by this building's constitution.
Believe me, I will have Cam cited for a noise violation if
he so much as drops a hint!
[Daphne and Niles come in the front door.]
Daphne: Hi.
Niles: Hello, hello, I'm glad you're both here. We have news.
Daphne: I'm moving in with Niles.
Fraiser: Well, that is a big decision. My goodness, congratulations.
[He gets up and hugs them both.]
Martin: Yeah, wow, it's not gonna be the same around here without you.
[The phone rings.]
Daphne: Oh, don't worry, I'll still be around plenty, even if I'm not
living here.
[She answers the phone.]
Daphne: Hello? Oh, Mum. Yeah, I'm sorry, I've been meaning to call,
but Dr. Crane yells at me whenever I phone long distance.
Fraiser: I do not!
Martin: Let her say whatever she needs to.
Daphne: [heading to her room with the phone] And poor old Mr. Crane
is so feeble he can't even make it to the loo by himself.
Martin: Hey!
[She mouths "Sorry" and exits to her room.]
Niles: Can you believe it? I am actually going to be living under
the same roof with the woman I adore. If you had told me two
years ago that this was going to happen, I would have said
you were crazy.
Fraiser: I know exactly how you feel, Niles. You know, I used to
think Cam Winston's SUV was immovable, and now look at me!
[off their looks] Well, I think this calls for a
celebration! How about some champagne?
Niles: Oh, stay there, I'll get the Dom.
[He heads off to the kitchen.]
Fraiser: Well, it's the end of an era.
Martin: Yeah, it's been the three of us under this roof for nine
years.
Fraiser: Do you remember when Daphne first came here? She was so
young and naive, I didn't think she'd last a week. Yet she
somehow managed to forge a relationship with a, a blustery
psychiatrist and a crotchety old man.
Martin: And with me, too.
Fraiser: Yes, Dad, with you too.
Martin: Well, we knew she wouldn't be around forever, but I never
would've guessed she'd end up with Niles.
Fraiser: I know. He's come so far since the dark days of Maris and Mel.
Martin: Well, I guess from now on it's just you and I.
Fraiser: "You and me", Dad.
Martin: [sotto voice] This is gonna be great.
[Niles comes back in with the champagne in an ice bucket.]
Fraiser: So, Niles, when is moving day?
Niles: As soon as possible. Once we'd made the decision, neither
one of us wants to waste a second.
[Daphne comes back in.]
Daphne: Well, the move is off.
Niles: What?
Daphne: Just temporarily, my parents are coming for a visit.
Niles: What does that have to do with us living together?
Daphne: Well, I just think with all the confusion involved with a
move, it's best to wait until after they leave.
Niles: Or, we could call a mover and have all your stuff over at my
place tomorrow, and you parents can stay with us.
Daphne: Oh, Niles, that is so sweet, I know they'll love that. But
I think I should wait until after their visit to move.
Niles: Daphne, what's going on?
Daphne: Nothing. I just think, well, why rush? Moving is something
to be enjoyed.
[Frasier and Martin share a confused look.]
Niles: So, just to clarify, you're going to stay here, but your
parents are going to stay with me.
Daphne: Oh, I'm so glad you understand.
[She hugs him. Looking over her shoulder, he mouths "What happened?"
to the others.]
Act 2
Scene 1 - Niles' Apartment at the Montana
[Fade in. Martin is sitting on the couch. Niles and Frasier are
setting up to greet the Moons.]
Niles: I hope Daphne's not having trouble with their luggage. I
should have gone with her to the airport. What kind of
impression does it make that I didn’t' go with her?
Martin: She didn't want you to go with her.
Niles: Yeah, what does that say?
Fraiser: Niles, will you relax? You always make a good first
impression.
Niles: SECOND impression. The first impression I made when I
kidnapped their daughter from her wedding. Oh God, where
are my crab croquettes?
Fraiser: I put them in the warming oven.
Niles: They'll dry out!
Fraiser: Then I'll serve them.
Niles: No, they'll get cold! Oh, I don't know, I don't know!
[The doorbell rings.]
Niles: Now, now! Crab croquettes!
Fraiser: Right.
[Frasier heads to the kitchen, Niles fluffs the pillows on the couch.]
Niles: Dad, it's show time! Keep you wits about you.
Martin: Right. I'll just follow your lead.
[Niles rushes, almost knocking over a lamp but catching it, then opens
the door.]
Niles: Oh, Mrs. Moon, welcome, come in.
Daphne: Mum, you remember Niles?
Mrs. Moon: Of course. You know, I was quite cross with you when you
stole my daughter away from that rich lawyer. But from the
looks of this place, you do all right.
Martin: Nice to see you again, Mrs. Moon. Martin Crane.
Mrs. Moon: Oh, of course, you're the one who's kind enough to keep my
daughter employed.
Martin: It's not kindness, she does a great job.
Mrs. Moon: Well, she does what she can with what God gave her.
Niles: Um, where's Mr. Moon?
Daphne: Well, actually, there's been a slight change of plans.
[Simon, Daphne's loutish brother comes in.]
Simon: 'Allo, 'allo.
Niles: Simon!
Fraiser: Simon!
Martin: Buddy, how ya doin'?
Simon: Well, I'm thirsty for starts.
Martin: Then let's take care of that!
Mrs. Moon: Oh, I could use a tiny nip of something myself.
[They head to the bar and Niles and Frasier move to Daphne.]
Fraiser: What is your brother doing here?
Daphne: Me dad couldn't make it, so Mum brought him instead.
Niles: Why, why didn't your dad come?
Daphne: I don't know. I'm disappointed, but I'm not surprised. Dad
doesn't like to travel.
Niles: Why not?
[Drink in hand, Mrs. Moon walks over to a chair and sits.]
Mrs. Moon: You know, that flight made my feet swell up like a couple
of Christmas hams. Simon, give 'em a rub.
Simon: I rubbed 'em halfway across the Atlantic.
Martin: Hey, Fraizh, I've got an idea: Why doesn't Simon stay with
us?
[Frasier drops the tray he's picked up.]
Simon: Oh, that's very kind of you, Marty.
Fraiser: Yes, well it is, except that, well I think there'll be more
room right here at Niles'.
Niles: Oh, yes, although Frasier's apartment is closer to a pizza
restaurant.
Fraiser: Yes, but Niles' is closer to a liquor mart.
Simon: Now, now, now I don't want you boys fightin' over me.
Niles: Dad, how many channels does that satellite of yours get?
Martin: Five hundred.
Simon: We have a winner!
[Frasier glares at Niles.]
Daphne: Mum, your room's gonna be down that hallway on the left,
if you'd like to freshen up.
Mrs. Moon: Oh, look who's the lady of the house. Spend a lot of time
here, do you?
Simon: Are you kidding? She's probably had it off in every room.
Mrs. Moon: Simon Moon, bite your tongue! My baby girl's a virgin.
Isn't that so, Daphne?
Daphne: Of course, Mum.
Mrs. Moon: It's you that'll have your leg over any filth that moves.
Simon: I don't care if they're moving.
[Simon and his mom share a laugh at this.]
Niles: Um, Daphne, can I see you in the kitchen for just a sec?
Excuse me.
[They head off.]
Simon: Should we stop at the supermarket on the way home? I'm very
fond of those "Ham and Cheese Hot Pockets" that you had last
year.
Martin: Oh, I keep those stocked. Everything's just like you
remember.
Fraiser: Well, there has been one small change: The liquor cabinet
has a lock.
Simon: Well, my new moped had a lock, too.
[Cut to - the kitchen.]
Daphne: My mother is very old fashioned.
Niles: Well, if she thinks your a virgin, how are you going to
explain our plan to live together?
Daphne: I wonder how important it is that she ever finds out.
Niles: What are you saying? We're just not going to tell her?
Daphne: Well, I can still get me mail at your brother's and me phone
messages, and we can screen calls here.
Niles: That's ridiculous, we're adults. We're not going to sneak
around like this.
Daphne: It's not forever. Mum's getting on in years and she smokes
like a chimney.
[The oven timer rings and Daphne opens it to take out a pan.]
Niles: Your mother really thinks you're still a virgin?
Daphne: Oh, Niles, who cares what Mum thinks.
[They kiss as Mrs. Moon comes in.]
Mrs. Moon: Daphne...
[Daphne pulls back and lightly slaps the side of his head.]
Daphne: Fresh!
[Niles looks confused and frustrated. Fade out.]
Scene 2 - Frasier's Apartment
3265 INSULTS
AND 5 DAYS LATER...
[Fade in. Martin is in his chair, watching a game, Simon is on the
couch.]
Martin: Hey, you better not let Frasier see you wipe your hands on the
couch. He's mad enough that you ate that stuff he puts on his
face.
Simon: [pointing] I'm telling you, it was marmalade.
[The door opens and Frasier, Daphne, Niles, Roz and Mrs. Moon come in.]
Fraiser: Do you mind? Feet off the furniture.
Simon: You heard him, Eddie, get off, go on.
Daphne: He's talking to you.
Mrs. Moon: Daphne, dear, I've finally figured out what's wrong with
your outfit: it's made for a smaller woman.
Niles: Now, hold on, I was there when she picked out that outfit,
I think it's absolutely...
Roz: Thanks for dinner, Niles, it was really great.
Niles: You're welcome. Well, the best is still ahead. Wait 'til
you taste the apple crisp that Daphne made for dessert.
Simon: Is that that delicious apple thing with crispy bits on top?
Daphne: We still have ice cream.
Simon: Oh, wow, this is getting embarrassing.
Daphne: Simon, how could you?
Simon: Well, the ice cream was Marty's idea!
Martin: Only the first bowl!
Mrs. Moon: Daphne, don't go picking' on your brother. I'll just have
me tea. Niles, be a dear and get me a pillow for me head.
Oh, and I wouldn't get too settled in, you'll need to take
me home soon so I can take me medicine.
Niles: I thought I suggested you bring that with you.
Mrs. Moon: Daphne, dear, aren't you lucky to be dating a man who's
always right?
[Niles squeezes the pillow he's holding.]
Fraiser: I'll just go put the kettle on.
[He heads for the kitchen.]
Daphne: Mum, I wish you'd stop bossing everyone around.
Mrs. Moon: Oh, listen to my silly girl!. If she knew how to deal with
men, she'd have a husband by now.
[Niles swings the pillow back as if to hit her, but fluffs it and puts
it down as she turns to him.]
Niles: Pillow for you, here you go, you just rest your head and I'll
see how Frasier's doing with the kettle.
[He heads for the kitchen. Simon walks over to the table where Roz is sitting.]
Simon: Rose, you're looking fit. You know, I'd've gone too, if I'd
know you were going to dinner. I hope you've left room for
afters.
Roz: I have a boyfriend now, Simon, so you can just lay off.
Simon: YOU WHAT?! I thought you would wait for my return. Oh, well,
let's have another go then, for old time's sake.
Roz: We never had a go.
Simon: We didn't? Who was that, then?
[Cut to - the kitchen.]
Niles: The last five days that woman has made my life a living hell!
Fraiser: You want to trade? Simon put my sixty-five dollar apricot
skin polish on his muffins.
Niles: Simon is a boor. At least he's not cruel. You hear the way
she talks to Daphne, and Daphne just takes it.
Fraiser: Well, it's understandable, Niles. I mean, after all, she
only sees her mother rarely. I suppose it's just easier to
bite her tongue than to engage in some kind of ugly
confrontation.
Niles: Well, maybe so, but it's just frustrating to see Daphne so
timid. I wish she'd stand up for herself or stand up for us
or I'll tell you: if she doesn't, I just might.
Fraiser: Well, I'm sure she will when the time is right. Meanwhile,
they are her family and our guests. Let's remember that.
Simon: [calling from the living room] Oi, Frasier, can I use this
as an ashtray?
Fraiser: Son of a BITCH!
[He rushes out. Cut to - the living room where Simon is tapping his
cigarette into a vase.]
Fraiser: Do NOT use that, please. Here, here.
Mrs. Moon: An empty can? I'd've thought with all your fancy dingle
dangles you'd have something nicer for your guests who
smoke.
Fraiser: Yes, well customarily my guests who smoke do so on the
balcony.
Mrs. Moon: This is lovely, thank you.
[She gets her own can. Simon sits down next to Roz again. She waves
the smoke away.]
Roz: Do you mind?!
Simon: Come on, Rose. We both know that this boyfriend thing is a
ruse. You don't have to play hard to get with me.
Roz: I really do have a boyfriend.
Simon: Oh yeah?
Roz: Yeah.
Simon: What's his name?
Roz: Roger.
Simon: What color is his hair?
Roz: Brown.
Simon: What's his name?
Roz: Roger.
Simon: Is that the name you just said a minute ago?
[Martin gets up.]
Martin: I think Eddie could use a walk.
Roz: I could use one too.
Martin: Uh, well, actually, I was just going across to the...
Roz: [rushing] Yeah, that's great, I'd love to!
[She hurries them out the door.]
Fraiser: You know, I have an idea: let's have a toast.
Simon: Well, it's about bloody time!
Fraiser: To my very favorite couple: Niles and Daphne. You don't
know my brother very well, Mrs. Moon, but I assure you, he
and your daughter share a boundless love. One that is sure
to endure as long as that of my parents and of yours and your
husband's.
[Mrs. Moon begins to cry.]
Simon: Oh, now you've dropped a clanger.
Daphne: What is it, Mum?
Mrs. Moon: Oh, tell them, son.
Simon: Dad scarpered.
Daphne: He left?
Simon: Yeah.
Mrs. Moon: It's true.
Fraiser: Dear God, I do apologize.
Daphne: Oh, Mum, it can't be! I'm sure he just got sidetracked on
his way home from the pub.
Mrs. Moon: Well, I thought meself for the first week, but no, he's
gone for good.
Simon: Oh, don't worry, Mum. Everything'll be all right when we
get home.
Mrs. Moon: Oh, what's left for me there? An empty house full of
memories? No, I'd rather stay right here, in the company
of my babies. Thank goodness I have my children to lean
upon.
Simon: Oh, don't cry, Mum. I really thought this junket to
America would cheer you up.
Niles: Oh, well, it still can. Go away.
[The others looked shocked.]
Niles: I mean, get out there and see the country.
Fraiser: Yes, that is a splendid idea! This land is rich with snow
covered mountains, sun kissed beaches, wild untamed rivers
and a, a warm loving people ready to embrace you. Immerse
yourself in the spectacle and the grandeur that are these
United States, this America!
[Behind him, a massive American flag unfurls past the balcony.]
Niles: How did you do that?
[Confused, Frasier turns to follow Niles gaze. Seeing his balcony
completely blocked in, he starts. Trembling, he puts his drink down.]
Fraiser: Cam Winston!
[He hurries to the door, grabs his keys and rushes out. Fade out.]
TO BE CONTINUED
Credits:
Martin is sitting at the breakfast table. Simon brings in two plates,
giving one to him. Martin picks up a muffin and takes a bite and nods
appreciatively. Simon pulls out the bottle of apricot skin cream.
Martin looks disturbed for a minute, but keeps chewing. Reflectively,
he holds the muffin out and Simon opens the tube to squeeze more on.
Legal Stuff
This episode capsule is copyright 2002 by David Langley. This episode
summary remains property of Frasier, Copyright of Paramount
Productions and NBC. Printed without permission.
