The Wizard and Roz Written by Salladin K. Patterson Directed by Sheldon Epps ===================================================================== Production Code: 8.20 Episode Number In Production Order: 192 Filmed: March 27, 2001 Original Airdate on NBC: 8th May 2001 Transcript written on 15th May 2001
Transcript {David Langley}
Act 1 Scene 1 - Frasier's Apartment [Fade in. Frasier is sitting at the dining table, reading. Daphne and Niles come in the front.] Daphne: Hello Niles: Hey. Frasier: Ah, the weekend warriors have returned. Daphne: Yeah. You better watch out, Dr. Crane, I'm getting pretty good at kickboxing. [She does a high kick at him.] Niles: It's true. She hits so hard they're calling her "The British Pound". Daphne: You hit pretty hard yourself there, "Nails". [She kisses him.] I'm going to hop in the shower. [She heads for her room.] Frasier: "Nails"? Niles: Oh, you scratch one guy... Oh, my electrolytes are plummeting. Care to join me in a sherry? Frasier: Ah, actually, I'd love to, Niles, but I'm off to see Dr. Tewksbury. [He gets up and puts the book away.] Niles: Oh, I didn't realize your mentor was still in town. Frasier: Yes, and because of it, I've been the fortunate recipient of some informal therapy. It's really been quite enlightening. You know, I consider myself lucky to be in the hands of such a master. Niles: Well, I'm happy for you, Frasier. He is a gifted psychiatrist, even if I don't share your god-like worship of him.. Frasier: Oh, I simply have a healthy respect for the man, Niles. It's hardly worship. Niles: Oh, please. You're one step away from seeing his image appear in a tortilla. [Daphne comes hurrying from her room.] Daphne: Niles, thank heavens you're still here! Niles: What's wrong? Daphne: You can't go to Nervosa today. Niles: Why not? Daphne: I just had a psychic vision that something bad's going to happen to you. Niles: Oh, come on, Daphne... Daphne: Niles, I'm serious! I know you don't believe in visions, but it's important to me. Promise me you won't go. Niles: All right, if it means that much to you, I won't go. I'll go straight home. Daphne: Thank you. I feel much better. [She gives him a kiss.] I'll see you later. [She heads to her room again. Frasier opens the door and Niles turns to leave with him.] Frasier: Wow, that was scary. Niles: Don't tell me you believe in that stuff... Frasier: No, I meant the way she can manipulate you like that. Niles: Oh, please, I was just being diplomatic. Frasier: Tell me, is it difficult to kickbox without a spine? Niles: Yer gonna find out. [They exit. Fade out.] Scene 2 - Cafe Nervosa [Fade in. Frasier is sitting at a table, drinking coffee and reading. Roz comes in with some bags.] Roz: Hello, Frasier. Frasier: Oh, hi, Roz. Oh, been on a shopping spree, I see. Roz: Yes, Alice is been visiting her grandmother for the week. So, I finally have some time to myself. I tell you, it's great shopping without her pulling down a display rack. Not only that, I actually woke up today without someone jumping on the bed and sticking her little fingers up my nose. Frasier: Yes. Roz: And I didn't have to spend half the morning combing knots out of that little girl's curls... Frasier: Give Alice my love. Roz: [getting up] Thank you, I will. [Roz goes off to make her call. Niles steps into the doorway.] Niles: Psst, Frasier. Can you get me a latte? Frasier: Why don't you just get it yourself, Niles? Oh, that's right: it's bad moogambo for you to enter. Niles: You know I promised Daphne. Frasier: [rising] Yes, yes, and woe betide he who disobeyeth the oracle! Niles: All right, all right, wait. Maybe if I get it to go, and don't sit down, I won't actually be breaking my promise to Daphne. Frasier: Step aside everybody, big set of onions coming through! [Niles gives him a dark look as he steps to the counter.] Niles: Latte to go, please. [Frasier sits back down. Dr. Tewksbury comes in.] Tewksbury: Hello, Frasier. Frasier: Dr. Tewksbury. Well, gosh, this is quite a surprise. What are you doing here? Tewksbury: Well, I've heard you mention how good their coffee is here, I thought I'd give it a try. May I join you? [As he sits, Roz and Niles both come over.] Frasier: Oh, yes, of course. I'm terribly sorry. Oh, Roz, meet Dr. Tewksbury. Dr. Tewksbury, this is my producer Roz Doyle. And my brother Niles. Niles, Dr. Tewksbury. Niles: Hello, how do you do? Tewksbury: I don't believe we've ever met, but I seem to recall reading a fascinating paper of yours recently. [Niles seems flattered and reaches for a chair.] Niles: Oh, yes, it was probably the one about phobias. Oh, can't sit, can't sit. Frasier: It's a long story. Anyway, Dr. Tewksbury, I was just wondering, did you happen to read the article on behavior modification in... Tewksbury: Now, Frasier, let's not talk shop. You don't want to bore Roz. Roz: Oh, it's all just white noise to me, now. Frasier: Yes, all right. Niles, please, would you stop hovering and please sit down? Niles: All right. What could it hurt? [He sits down just as Daphne comes in the door.] Daphne: Niles! Niles: Daphne! [He jumps up, banging his knee on the table.] Daphne: How could you come down here? You broke your promise! Niles: And my patella! Daphne: Well, nothing bad would have happened if you'd paid attention to my premonition! Niles: Well, actually, nothing bad would have happened if you hadn't shown up. Daphne: Well, it wouldn't have not happened had I not shown up. Niles: Well, it wouldn't not have happened if you hadn't not shown up! Daphne: And I wouldn't have shown up had I not known that you wouldn't have been able to not come down here! Niles: Well I'm not...not...not...what? Daphne: My point exactly! You don't listen. [She rushes out. Niles tries to follow her but stops from the pain.] Niles: Daphne! Frasier: Niles, Niles, you all right? Niles: Oh, no, I've aggravated my old bosinova injury. Frasier: Well, perhaps I better drive you. I'm sorry, Dr. Tewksbury. You understand? Bye Roz. Roz: Bye! [Frasier helps Nile out the door.] Tewksbury: Well, what was that all about? Roz: Well, she thinks she's psychic, but he doesn't believe her. Tewksbury: Well, no matter who's right or wrong, Niles needs to set up stricter boundaries with his patients. I learned that from years of practice. Roz: No, no. She's not his patient, she's his girlfriend. Tewksbury: Oh, well in that case, no matter who's right or wrong, HE's wrong. I learned that from years of marriage. [Roz laughs. Fade out.] Scene 3 - Frasier's ApartmentDON'T FORGET THE GEIGER COUNTER AND THE DIVINING ROD [Fade in. Niles is on the couch, Frasier is by the bookcase.] Frasier: Is there anything I can get you, Niles? Perhaps a cold pack, perhaps? Niles: No, no. If Daphne ever comes out of her room, I'll just use her icy stare. Frasier, if you don't mind, I'm going to have to cancel on the opera tonight. Frasier: Oh, Niles, you know I hate going to the opera alone. Throwing a woman's shawl over the seat next to me and glancing expectantly back at the ladies room all night. Niles: You do that? Frasier: No! Niles: Hey, why don't you ask Dr. Tewksbury if he'd like to go? Frasier: Oh, no. Niles: Oh, come on. Ever since his divorce I'm sure he's anxious to get out of the house. Frasier: Well, we're in a quasi-therapeutic relationship right now. Truth be told, I was actually a little uncomfortable socializing with him at Nervosa. Niles: Oh, I understand. You don't want to see the wizard behind the curtain. Everyone needs an idol, someone who represents a higher plateau of truth and knowledge. Frasier: Very insightful, Niles. For so many years I must have represented that plateau to you. Niles: Thank you, Frasier, laughter is indeed the best medicine. [Daphne comes in from her room.] Niles: [rising] Oh, Daphne. My knee's feeling much better. Daphne: [deadpan] Oh, good. [She goes into the kitchen.] Niles: Well I hope she doesn't expect me to run in there after her. Frasier: Good for you, Niles! Niles: With this knee I can only hobble. [And he proceeds to hobble in there after her. Cut to - the kitchen as he enters.] Niles: Daphne, I'm sorry. Daphne: Are you sorry for breaking your promise or for not believing me? Niles: I'm sorry for breaking my promise. Daphne: So you still don't believe I had a premonition? Niles: Well, it wasn't a premonition... Daphne: It certainly was! I told you if you went to Nervosa, something bad would happen, and you hurt your knee. What more proof do you need? Niles: Something a little more scientific than that, I'm afraid. Daphne: You need scientific proof? Well, I think we can do something about that. Niles: What do you mean? Daphne: There are people around who do this sort of research. Niles: Are those people here now? [He smiles and she smacks his arm.] Daphne: No! I'm talking about legitimate professionals. Niles: All right, all right. But it has to be a real scientist. Not some huckster who comes here with crystals and a ghost-o-meter. Daphne: As long as you have an open mind. And it's pronounced "ghost-ah-meters". Niles: I'm glad we worked this out. Daphne: Me too. Niles: And now that we've made up, maybe we could... [He grins suggestively.] Daphne: Well, I guess we know who's not psychic. [She walks out as Niles bemoans another lost moment. Fade out.] Scene 4 - Roz's ApartmentTHE DOCTOR MAKES A HOUSE CALL [Fade in. There is a knock at the door. Roz, in her nightgown and robe, opens the door to reveal Frasier.] Roz: Frasier! I thought you were the pizza guy. Frasier: I thought we were writing promos tonight. You forgot, didn't you? Roz: NO! Yes. I'm sorry. [Dr. Tewksbury comes in from the other room wearing one of Roz's short silk robes.] Tewksbury: Pizza! We're gonna have pizza! We... Frasier! Hello. What are you doing here? Frasier: Oh, just, ah...wearing clothes. Tewksbury: Oh, right. Roz: Frasier brought over some work from the office. Tewksbury: Ah, I'll just go get dressed. [He hurries off to the other room. Roz turns back to Frasier.] Frasier: I've gone blind. And ten seconds too late. So, since when have you and Dr. Tewksbury been seeing each other? Roz: Well, uh, the other day at Nervosa we really hit it off after you left and he asked me out for dinner and...we've been out every night since. Frasier: Really? Well, I must say I'm a bit surprised. Roz: Why? He's smart, very insightful. and he's such a great listener. Frasier: Yes, well, I'm happy for you, Roz. It's just a little difficult imagining the two of you together. Roz: You don't think I can appreciate a sophisticated man? You know, it's not just about sex for me, Frasier. [Dr. Tewksbury comes back in.] Tewksbury: Do you have a stepladder? My pants are stuck in the ceiling fan. [Roz and Frasier share a look and, realizing neither is really the winner, Frasier walks off and Roz closes the door. Fade out.] Scene 5 - Dr. Tewksbury's Office [Fade in. Frasier is settling down with Dr. Tewksbury for a session.] Tewksbury: Frasier, listen. Before we begin, I hope it wasn't too awkward seeing me with Roz last night. Frasier: Not at all. It was just a little...jarring to see you out of context that way. But your personal life is your business. Speaking of which, let's, let's get down to business: The Crane mind! Tewksbury: Yes, let us. [Looking at Dr. Tewksbury, Frasier gets a flash of him in Roz's robe.] Tewksbury: Now, last time we had just broached the subject of your father's expectations and their effect on your early adulthood. [Frasier tries to control his upset at the image of the robed doctor, unsuccessfully. He grows more uncomfortable as Tewksbury sits on the desk and puts a hand behind his head.] Tewksbury: As we know, the internalization of a parent's moral code is crucial to the development of a superego. And considering the strict nature of your father's strictness... Frasier, is everything all right? [Frasier again sees Tewksbury in his suit.] Frasier: Yes, yes, of course. Please, continue. Tewksbury: Well you must admit that having a father whose very job is the enforcement of the moral code, would lead to an overdeveloped superego. [As he leans across the desk, the image of him in the robe once again appears to Frasier.] Tewksbury: I believe I have a paper on this subject. [He goes to a filing cabinet and leans down to the bottom drawer, making Frasier VERY uncomfortable.] Tewksbury: It's right here. [Frasier tries to look away and back, but the image won't go away. Fade out.] Act 2 Scene 1 - Frasier's Apartment [Fade in. Martin is sitting in his chair, reading. Frasier comes in the front door.] Frasier: Oh, hey, Dad. Martin: Hey. Frasier: How was your day? Martin: Why don't you just tell me what happened to you? Frasier: What are you talking about? Martin: Well, you know how my day goes: play with Eddie, watch TV, do my stretches. You only ask so I'll ask you about your day, so I'm askin'. Frasier: I am hurt. You're my father, of course I care about your day. [He sits on the couch.] Martin: Oh, well, uh, I played with Eddie, watched TV, did my stretches. Frasier: Oh, good. Martin: So, how was... Frasier: I just came from Dr. Tewksbury. Throughout the entire session, I just couldn't focus on anything he was saying. Martin: Wasn't he talkin' about you? Frasier: Yes, yes, but recently I saw him in...well a less than dignified light. And ever since, I've just found it impossible to take him seriously. Martin: I know exactly what you're talking about. In Korea, I had this commanding officer, Lieutenant Franks. I would have followed that guy into the gates of hell. I saw him a few years later, he was flippin' hamburgers in a fast food place. That was hard to handle. I mean this guy took me under his wing and molded me. Frasier: Like a mentor? Martin: Yeah, exactly. He always used to say that one day he'd be takin' orders from me. I just never thought it'd be for extra onions. Frasier: So how did you handle it? Martin: Well, I just realized it was my problem, not his. And I wasn't gonna let it erase all that he'd meant to me. So I marched right back into that kitchen and saluted him. And after we're talkin' a while, I realized nothin' had changed. He's still the same hard-chargin' man's man who wasn't afraid to get his hands dirty. Which is why I never ate there again. [Daphne and Niles come in from her room.] Niles: Uh, if you two don't mind, Daphne's psychic evaluator is on the way over and we'd like to use the living room. Martin: [rising] Fine by me. That stuff creeps me out anyway. Frasier: Niles I still can't believe you ever agreed to this. Those tests are based on nothing more than subjective evidence and lucky guesses. Daphne: Yes, nothing at all like the subjective evidence and lucky guesses psychiatry is based on. Martin: [smugly] Thank you. [He goes off to his room.] Niles: Don't worry, I will thoroughly appraise the examiner and his testing methods. [The doorbell rings.] Frasier: Good luck. [He leaves.] Niles: That'll be him. [Niles opens the door. The researcher is there.] Niles: Come in. I'm Dr. Niles Crane, this is Daphne Moon. Daphne: Hello. Morey: Hello, I'm Dr. Sheldon Morey. Niles: Oh, doctor? Doctor of...? Morey: Spookology. Kidding. That's just what most people expect. Actually I'm a professor of psychiatry at Seattle University. Niles: Really? Please have a seat. Morey: Thank you. Niles: So, hmm, you're more of a debunker. Morey: No, no, not at all. Actually, I apply scientific principles to the search for paranormal phenomena. Believe me, nothing would make me happier than discovering a legitimate psychic. [He sits.] Niles: Oh, so, then you've never found one. Morey: Well, if by "psychic" you mean a person with above normal prescience, then a few. If you mean somebody who could beat the house in Vegas, then no. I thought I had one for a while, but...no. Niles: So, Daphne, do you still want to go through with this? Daphne: I'm ready if you are. Niles: All right, Doctor, she's all yours. Morey: Great. Now, I've got a card... Daphne: Ace of spades! Morey: ...with my office and fax number on it. Daphne: And your address! Morey: Correct. [He hands the card to Niles. The scene fades to later, Daphne and Morey are at the dining table and he's giving her a standard test with cards.] Daphne: Star. Circle. Morey: And finally? Daphne: Circle. Morey: That's it. That was your final test. Daphne: And I'm psychic, right? Morey: Well, first we have to compare your results to those of the rest of the control group. It'll just take me a few minutes to run these numbers, okay? [Daphne gets up and goes over to Niles.] Niles: So? How do you think you did? Daphne: I think I did pretty well on the cards. The premonition test was a little tricky, but all in all I was in the zone. Niles: Well, we'll soon find out. Morey: You know, Daphne, I'm always curious: when was it that you first suspected you had psychic ability? Daphne: Oh, years ago, when I was a little girl. Grammy Moon first saw the gift in me. See, I was a girl in a house full of boys, which I hated, until Grammy told me that only Moon women had second sight. She had it, her mother had it and so on. After that, I noticed I could sense things before they happened, sort of like a secret power. Anyway, it's just always been a part of who I am. Morey: I see. Well, we have your results. Daphne: All right. I don't know why I'm a bit nervous. Morey: So, Daphne, from what I see here... Niles: Wait, uh... Wait. I don't think we should this, I don't want to know. Daphne: What do you mean? Niles: I'm sorry, I think this was a bad idea. Daphne: Well, I thought you wanted scientific proof. Niles: I changed my mind. I don't need a stranger telling me... anything about who you are. I want us to get to know each other on our own. Over time. Daphne: I knew you were going to say that! Niles: You did? Daphne: No, but I loved hearing it. [She kisses him.] Daphne: I'm sorry, Dr. Morey, we wasted your time. Morey: It's okay. The dog told me a couple of funny jokes while we were waiting. [Niles and Daphne look unsure about this.] Morey: I'm kidding. They weren't that funny. [Daphne and Niles aren't quite sure how to react. Fade out.] Scene 2 - Tewksbury's OfficeTHE BIG CITY PROVES TOO MUCH FOR PETERSON [Fade in. Frasier is again sitting in front of Tewksbury's desk, receiving analysis.] Tewksbury: All right, Frasier, let's start with our last session. As I recall, you were having difficulty getting rid of a certain image in your mind? Frasier: That is correct. Tewksbury: Well, perhaps we should confront that. [He pulls out the robe.] Frasier: Oh, dear lord, I assumed that was Roz's. Tewksbury: It is. I was at her apartment this morning, I started thinking about your issue with the robe, and I decided to bring it with me. [He puts the robe on.] Now Frasier, you consider me a competent psychiatrist, don't you? Frasier: Of course I do. Tewksbury: Does seeing me dressed like this diminish that? Frasier: No, of course not. It's just, well... I know, on a conscious level, that the garment does not change who you are. But on, on an unconscious level, I'm all weirded out! You're my mentor, and you're wearing Roz's robe. Tewksbury: I'm still the same person. Frasier: Yes, but, it's Roz's robe. Tewksbury: And what does Roz's robe signify to you? [Tewksbury begins to pace.] Frasier: Roz. Tewksbury: Then maybe this isn't about you and me. Maybe this is about your relationship with Roz. [While Tewksbury's back is turned, a student comes in the door.] Tewksbury: Seeing me dressed like this brings up deep feelings, don't be afraid of those feeling, go with them. [He notice the student.] Oh, Peterson. Here for your make-up test? Peterson: I was. But I'll just take the D. [He leaves. Frasier and Tewksbury both realize there's not a lot they can say. Fade out.] Scene 3 - Roz's Apartment [Fade in. There is a knock at the door, Roz answers it to reveal Frasier.] Roz: Oh, Frasier. Frasier: You got a minute? Roz: We're not supposed to be working, are we? 'Cause I'm kinda busy right now. Frasier: It's not about work. Roz: Oh, come on in. [He enters.] Roz: Have a seat. Frasier: Thanks. [They sit on the couch.] Frasier: Listen, uh, something's been troubling me ever since I saw Dr. Tewksbury in your robe and, uh, at first I thought it was about the toppling of a hero, but I've since discovered that it's really about you. Roz: Let me guess: I'm not good enough for your precious mentor. Frasier: No, that's not it, Roz. Uh... When you were describing what attracted you to Dr. Tewksbury, I couldn't help thinking "That very well could have been me." Roz: So? Frasier: So, Roz, I've known you for, what, eight years now. And in that time I've seen you date hundreds of... Roz: Careful! Frasier: All right, dozens of men. Yet you never showed any interest in me. Well, except for that one drunken flirtation at the station retreat. [The laugh at the memory.] Frasier: Well, anyway, I assumed it was because I wasn't your type. Then I see you drawn to someone who's similar to me. Roz: You're jealous? Frasier: Well, no, not jealous, not exactly. It's more along the lines of "Why everybody else and not me?" Roz: Frasier, did you ever stop to think there may be something special about not being picked? Frasier: Roz, that didn't work when I was cut from pee-wee football, it's not gonna work now. Roz: Okay, I'll be honest with you. When we first started working together, I had a little crush on you. Frasier: Really? Roz: Yeah, sure. I mean, you were handsome and sophisticated and you had your French suits and your Italian shoes... Frasier: Actually, it was vice-versa, but go on, go on. Roz: But you were coming off this divorce, and you were my boss, and the whole thing was just too weird, so I never acted on it. Frasier: And you were right. You were. Anyway, it's nice to know how you felt. Thanks. Roz: Sure. [They hug.] Frasier: So, just for the record, though: you did have the hots for me? Roz: Yes, yes. Frasier: You're not just saying that? Roz: No. But, can you imagine the two of us together? Frasier: Oh, gosh, no. [rising] Strange idea, isn't it? Roz: Really strange. Frasier: Gosh, it's really hard to picture, isn't it? Of course, I mean, it wouldn't be your problem. It would be all me, trust me, all me. I mean, you're a perfectly wonderful person. Roz: What are you doing? Frasier: Well, I'm just saying how great you are. Roz: No, you're giving me the "It's not you, it's me" speech. If anyone should be giving that speech, it's me, not you. Frasier: Well, whatever you have to tell yourself, Roz. Roz: All right, get out! Frasier: Sounds to me like somebody still has a soft spot for the ol' boss man. Roz: OUT! [She pushes him out and slams the door. Fade out.] Credits: Roz is sitting with Tewksbury on her couch, he's in her robe again. She hands him a gift bag. Looking in, he pulls out a nice man's robe. He thanks her, then sets it aside and goes back to watching television in her robe. Roz seems a bit disturbed by this.
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This episode capsule is copyright 2001 by David Langley. This episode summary remains property of Frasier, Copyright of Paramount Productions and NBC. Printed without permission.
