The Late Dr. Crane Written by Rob Hanning
Directed by Robert H. Egan
=====================================================================
Production Code: 7.8
Episode Number In Production Order: 153
Original Airdate on NBC: 18th November 1999
Original Airdate on CH4: 25th February 2000
Episode filmed on 11th September 1999
Synopsis written on 24th November 1999
Transcript written on 12th March 2000
Transcript revised on 23rd April 2001.
Transcript {nick hartley}
Act One.
Scene One - Frasier's Car.
Niles and Frasier are enjoying a ride in the BMW, and I use the word
"enjoy" loosely. Frasier is driving, Niles is whining in the passenger
seat with his raincoat collar turned up around his neck.
Niles: I can't believe how cold it is in here.
Frasier: Niles, the climate control is on, it's perfectly
comfortable.
Niles: Oh, really? Touch your tongue to the seat belt, I dare you.
Frasier: I'm starting to regret I even asked you to this exhibit. I
wanted to invite Regan, but after the disaster I made of our
first date I just felt too ashamed to even ask.
Niles: Well, you can't avoid her forever, she's your neighbour. Ask
her again, what's the worst thing that can happen?
Frasier: She'd ask me to stop harassing her, which would mean I'd have
to spend the next six months riding in the service elevator
with Guillermo and his three-legged cat!
Niles: How is little Wobbles?
Frasier: Fine.
Niles slowly turns up the heating control.
Frasier: I see what you're doing, Niles. If you're so cold there's a
scarf in the glove compartment.
Niles: Oh, really? I thought that's where you kept the butter and
the eggs.
Frasier: Well, now it's burning up in here! I'm gonna take this coat
off.
Niles: Are you insane?
Frasier starts taking his coat off, not concentrating on the road.
Niles: At least wait until we've stopped...
They start arguing about the road.
Frasier: Take the wheel!
Niles: I'll take the wheel but... Frasier, stop. [looks into road]
Stop!
Frasier: No, it's almost off.
Niles: I mean, brake, brake!
Frasier brakes harshly and crashes into the next car in a minor
fender bender. The airbags deploy and squash the Crane boys.
Niles: Are you all right?
Frasier: Yes. Thank heavens your fist softened the blow of the
airbag!
Scene Two - Accident & Emergency
Frasier and Niles are waiting to be called. Frasier is holding a
blood-stained tissue to his nose. A man, Phil, is sitting next to
them.
Phil: Hurt your nose?
Frasier: [looks at Niles] Yes.
Phil: That's what I figured. Right when you came in, I said, "That
guy hurt his nose." So how did you, you know...
Frasier: Excuse me.
Frasier leaves him and goes to the receptionist.
Frasier: Yes, hello, this is Dr. Frasier Crane here. I was just
wondering, I filled out my paperwork about half an hour
ago.
Receptionist: They'll call you. We're seeing people in order of
importance.
Frasier: Oh really, well, I do have my own radio show.
Receptionist: The importance of the injury!
Frasier: Yes, of course.
Niles: [to receptionist] Do you know, are there any plastic
surgeons on call?
Frasier: Oh Niles, that's not necessary.
Niles: Can't be too careful, could be broken.
Receptionist: Don't worry, the best plastic surgeons in town have
their offices here. Dr. Rab, Dr. Karnovsky and Dr.
Burke.
Niles: Karnovsky? Mel Karnovsky?
Receptionist: That's right.
Niles walks back to Frasier and explains.
Niles: Maris's plastic surgeon. Would you believe that charlatan is
still picking my pocket a year after my divorce?
Frasier: Good Lord, for what?
Niles: Oh, for Maris's botox injections. They use those botcholeanen
toxins that you put in the forehead, it deadens the muscles
and takes away the wrinkles. I gave it to her as a gift one
year for our anniversary.
Frasier: Oh, yes, probably your tenth. That's toxins, isn't it?
Niles: Anyway, Karnovsky keeps billing me for her follow-up
injections.
Frasier: Good Lord.
Phil has already crept onto the scene.
Phil: So you're divorced, huh?
Niles: Yes.
Phil: Me too, I'm Phil. [puts his hand out, Niles doesn't
reciprocate] Fourteen years together. Came home one day and,
oh hell, I probably shouldn't even talk about it.
Niles: Okay.
The brothers walk away.
Frasier: You know, Niles, seeing as how we're here, why don't you go
and find this Karnovsky and straighten this whole thing out?
Niles: No, no, I can't leave you here injured.
Frasier: That's all right, Niles, I'll be fine.
Niles: Are you sure? I may just pay Dr. Karnovsky a visit.
Frasier: You know, it really is outrageous what these scalpel jockeys
get away with; convincing women like Maris to spend fortunes
on their exterior, when frankly what they need is to take a
good look at the woman inside.
Niles: Right. Well, she did have one chemical pill where you could
see her kidneys for a while.
Frasier: [laughs] Off you go. Good luck, Niles.
Niles: Thank you.
Niles walks off down the corridor. Frasier looks over at Phil who is
now sat down reading the newspaper. He slowly edges to the seat next
to him, making sure he is not seen over Phil's paper. Frasier thinks
he's safe until...
Phil: Not a pretty woman, my wife, but when she danced you couldn't
keep your eyes off her.
Frasier: You know, actually I'm feeling a lot better, goodbye!
Frasier gets up and runs out of the hospital. Then the nurse comes to
the front desk and calls.
Nurse: Frasier Crane. [no response] Frasier Crane, we're ready to see
you.
Phil: That's me!
Phil gets up to go with the nurse.
WHAT, ME WORRY?
Scene Two - Mel Karnovsky's Office.
The office is decorated well with objects d'art. Niles is admiring
the art as a man enters in a lab coat.
Niles: Ah, Dr. Karnovsky, I see you've decided to make time for me!
Man: Sorry, I'm from Records. I was told to bring over Maris
Crane's files.
The man has a large, heavy box of files. He places them on the desk.
Man: That's this year.
The man then exits as a woman enters from another door. She puts out
her hand and greets him.
Mel: I'm so sorry to keep you waiting. Melinda Karnovksy.
To Niles's surprise, Mel Karnovsky is not just a woman, but a rather
attractive one - with fine pale features, curly dark hair, and an
ultra-fastidious air that he always thought was his exclusive province.
Niles: [taken aback] Oh, yes, of course, Niles Crane. About this
billing issue?
Mel puts her hand toward the box, it is a little bit dusty. She decides
not to tackle it.
Mel: Oh my God, this box is filthy.
She takes a wet wipe from her drawer and cleans her hands, which
seems to fascinate Niles.
Niles: Yes, the problem is I have received three invoices over the
past six months.
Mel: Yes, I'm so sorry about that. And I'm so sorry about all this
dust. Do you mind, I'll have to turn on my hepafilter?
Niles: Oh, you have a hepa... [notices and gasps] You have a Svenson!
Mel: Yes. They're great, aren't they? [turns it on]
Niles: Not to mention impossible to get in this country, I've tried.
Mel: Well, I once did a favour for Mrs. Svenson. Oh, it's a long
story.
Niles: I'm all ears.
Mel: So was she. Anyway, I've spoken to the accounting department
about your bill and it was clearly our mistake. Please accept
our apology, we'll take care of it.
Niles: I appreciate that.
Niles notices a print on the wall. It is a portrait of a woman done
in the typical Cubist fashion of Picasso.
Niles: Oh, I like that print very much.
However, Mel seems to be obsessing with her coat.
Niles: Everything all right?
Mel: I'm sorry, I just noticed a smudge on my jacket. [points to an
invisible mark]
Niles: It's barely noticeable.
Mel: You're being kind.
Mel takes her jacket off - showing him a slender waist and an alluring
pair of bare shoulders - and pops it in the bin.
Mel: I got that print at the last museum show.
Niles: Oh, I thought you looked familiar. Perhaps I've seen you
there.
Mel: Perhaps. I go to all of the openings, I'm on the museum board.
Niles: Really? Well, congratulations. All the exhibits this year have
been...
Mel opens her wardrobe to reveal several white lab coats hung in
order. Niles notices.
Niles: [passionately] Perfection!
Mel: Well, thank you.
Niles: I particularly like the Picasso. I'm a big fan of his Cubist
period.
Mel: Oh, striking, isn't she? Yes, I'd like to think if she came in
here I could have actually helped her.
Niles: [laughs]
Mel: You must think I'm terribly fussy.
Niles: [passionately] Yes.
Mel: Anyway, it was very nice meeting you.
Niles: Likewise.
Mel and Niles go to shake hands but before they do, Mel's phone
beeps.
Voice: [v.o:] Dr. Karnovsky, Mrs. Magreshack has a question for you
in room three.
Niles: Helen Magreshack?
Mel: Oh, I really can't say.
Niles: She's finally having it removed?
Mel: Why did she wait?!
Niles: I don't know!
They laugh. Mel exits as the man enters again. This time he has
several files stacked up on top of each other.
Man: File '98.
Niles: Actually, that's all been settled. [picks up photo on desk]
Can you tell me, is that her husband?
Man: No, she's divorced. That's her son.
Niles: Really? Dr. Karnovsky's so young, she must have had him when
she was a child.
Man: [skeptical] Okay.
The man leaves as Mel enters again. She is surprised to see Niles.
Mel: Oh, was there something else?
Niles: Er, no. [walks away then:] Er, no. Well-
Mel: Yes?
Niles: Mel, er... I was wondering, I, er...
Niles strikes the box with his hands. Mel hands him a wet wipe.
Niles: Thank you. Er, I'm not really sure how to ask.
Mel: I think I know what it is.
Niles: A-ha.
Mel: And you've got no reason to be nervous.
Niles: Oh, really?
Mel: Yes. Just a few quick injections and those nasty little
wrinkles in your forehead will disapear. Well, that is what
you were going to ask, isn't it?
Niles: [laughs] Yes.
Mel: Well, it's a very simple procedure. Although your forehead
will be numb for a while. I can fit you in at four-thirty.
Niles: Oh good, that gives me time to do something I need to do.
Mel leaves. As soon as she's gone, Niles fires a barrage of slaps
at his own forehead in anger at himself.
DEAD MAN WATCHING
Scene Four - Frasier's Apartment.
Martin is sat in his chair reading the paper. Frasier is sat watching
the news. The doorbell sounds. Daphne answers the door to Niles.
Daphne: Hello, Dr. Crane.
Niles: Hello, Daphne. I was on my way home, I thought I'd see how
the patient was doing.
Frasier: Oh, I'm fine, thank you, fine.
Niles: You have no idea how guilty I'm feeling. I suppose he told
you it was my fist that struck in the inadvertent yet
powerful blow.
Frasier: So how did things go with the nefarious Dr. Karnovsky, did
you give him a piece of your mind?
Niles: Actually he turned out to be a she, and quite a reasonable
she at that. [sits]
Frasier: Really. That's quite a turnabout.
Niles: Yes, well...
Daphne notices something on Niles.
Daphne: Dr. Crane, don't move.
Niles: Why?
Daphne: There's a mosquito.
Niles: Where?
Daphne: On your forehead.
Niles: Uh-oh! [pats about acting on his head] Get off, get off.
Daphne: It's already gone.
Niles: Oh.
Daphne: Oh dear, looks like it bit you.
Niles: All right... [acting:] Ow!
Frasier: Niles, wrinkle your forehead for me, will you?
Niles: Why would I do that?
Frasier: Just do it. Wrinkle your forehead.
Niles attempts but fails. He stands up in protest.
Niles: I'm not your marionette!
Frasier: You've got a botox injection. You've got a forehead full of
poison right now, don't you?
Niles: I do not!
Daphne: [looking at the floor] Well, that's strange. The mosquito
fell right out of the air, dead. [picks it up and bins it]
Martin: What's a botox injection?
Frasier: Oh, it's a cosmetic procedure they use to eliminate facial
wrinkles.
Martin: Oh great, my kids are having plastic surgery. That's a nice
age to get to.
Frasier: I can't believe you let Maris's witch doctor work her magic
on you.
Niles: Mel is a perfectly lovely person! In fact, I was screwing my
courage up to ask her on a date when she noticed this little
flaw and I lost my nerve.
Frasier: Yes, and most of the feeling in your face as well!
Daphne notices something on the television.
Daphne: Dr. Crane, look, your picture's on the news.
Frasier: Well, turn it up dad, turn it up.
We then see a close up of the television where a newscaster is doing
a report on Frasier Crane - "1952 - 1999."
Reporter: After checking into the hospital with what appeared to be
minor injuries from a fender-bender, radio psychiatrist
Frasier Crane died suddenly today. I'm sure it goes for all
of us here at KYLL when I say he'll be sorely missed.
[cheerful:] But this rain won't be missed, will it, Flynn?
The three are watching it gobsmacked.
Frasier: Dear God!
Martin: What the hell?
Daphne: That's unbelievable!
Niles: [monotone not bearing facial movements] Outrageous!
End of Act One.
Act Two.
Scene One - Café Nervosa.
Frasier is talking to Roz on a front table.
Frasier: As it turns out, after I left the hospital some poor devil
used my name to jump the line and he dropped dead of a heart
attack. I must say, it does seem a bit strange having
plunged all of Seattle, be it temporarily, into so much
grief.
Roz: I know, I'll never forget where I was when I heard you had
died. I was out on the street. There was this crowd watching
a television through a department store window, and before I
knew it, we were weeping and hugging each other.
Frasier: Very amusing, Roz!
Roz: And then it began to rain, and I had this feeling that all
the angels were crying.
Frasier: [irate:] Yes, all right, Roz!
Martin arrives from the back of the café with a copy of a newspaper.
Martin: Hey, Roz. Fras', have you seen this? [hands him the newspaper]
Frasier: Yes, as a matter of fact, I did. [to a puzzled Roz:] It's my
obituary.
Roz: They printed it?
Frasier: Yes, they must have picked it up off the wire last night
before the news ran that correction.
Martin: Jimmy gave it to me at McGinty's. Boy, everybody was so nice
to me, buying me beers and everything. You know, because of
the shock I went through thinking I'd lost my son.
Frasier: Dad, what are you talking about? You didn't think I was
dead!
Martin: Well, people don't have to know that. I could have been at
home alone, wondering where you were and I get this strange
uneasy feeling. So I turn on the TV and there it is on the
screen: the face of my dead son.
Frasier: But I was sitting right beside you!
Martin: What kinda story is that?
Frasier: It's the truth!
Martin: Well, the truth doesn't put anything on a coaster!
Martin exits in protest.
Roz: Well, there's something for your scrapbook, huh? Your own
obituary. [begins to read it]
Frasier: Yes, well. You know, frankly, still it's a little upsetting.
Roz: [looks up] I don't think they meant to be insulting, you are
"lovably pompous."
Frasier: Not that. It's just, seeing all my life in black and white,
it just all looks a little incomplete.
Roz: What do you mean?
Frasier: Well, I was going to do so much with my life. I was going to
write a novel, run for public office, I was gonna do my own
translation of Freud...
Roz: Well, what's stopping you? You're not actually dead.
Frasier: I guess you're right. [laughs] I'm not dead, am I? [laughs]
You know, maybe that's a good way of looking at this
actually, more of a wake-up call.
A lady interrupts him who has appeared.
Lady: Dr. Crane, I was so relieved to hear that you're all right.
Frasier: Well, thank you.
Lady: I heard the news and I thought, "What a shame, why he is
such a young man."
Frasier: That's so nice of you. Thank you, thank you so much. You
know, you're right. What am I doing frittering away my day
here in this coffee house? [stands] You know, I've got
things to do. I've got fresh world to conquer. I'm going to
go out there and grab life by the scrub. Look out destiny,
here I come!
Frasier marches to the door and exits out onto the street. However, a
rumble of thunder followed by a downpour of rain sees Frasier
hurrying back in wiping the water from his coat.
Frasier: [excusing] Well, it's really coming down out there.
Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment.
Frasier is working on his laptop on the dinner table wearing a tatty
old sweater and jogging pants as Daphne enters with the laundry.
There are food baskets all around the place.
Daphne: What happened to your clothes? Did you spill something on
yourself?
Frasier: No, no, no, I'm going jogging later.
Daphne: No need to be sarcastic, just give me the clothes and I'll
do another load.
Frasier: No, I'm serious, Daphne. I plan to go running just after I
finish my obituary. [off Daphne's glance] It's a self-
actualising exercise. You write your obituary the way you'd
like it to appear, years from now of course, and then it
helps you to focus your goals. Here they are, all my hopes
and dreams.
Daphne: [looks at monitor] These are dreams all right. [laughs, then
reads:] "Dr. Crane came late to athletics, he became a
fixture in the Seattle marathon, the America's Cup yacht
race, as well as the Kentucky Derby." [laughs] A jockey at
your size! You better start writing an obituary for the
horse.
Frasier: Very amusing, Daphne, I meant as a stable owner.
Martin enters and notices Frasier.
Martin: Hey Fras'. What you do? Spill something on your clothes?
Frasier: No, I'm going jogging later.
Martin: Well, there's no need to get sarcastic about it.
Frasier: I'm serious, dad, I'm going to have to start somewhere if I
plan to run a marathon!
Martin however hasn't listened and notices another food basket on the
console behind the sofa. He takes a closer look.
Martin: Ooh, we've got a new basket? Hickory Farm!
Daphne: Yes, that one came this afternoon.
Frasier: Dad, we agreed that we were going to send back all the
condolence baskets intact.
Martin: I know, I know, but, you know, if a can of pecans falls out
here and there, who's going to notice? Oh, by the way. Guess
who I ran into, that friend of yours from next door, Regan.
Frasier: Really?
Martin: Yeah. You know, she was pretty relieved to hear you weren't
dead. You know, maybe there's still something going on
there.
Frasier: Oh, I don't know, dad. I'd like to believe that, but I'm just
too much of a realist.
The doorbell sounds.
Daphne: [reads screen:] Tell that the two million people a year who
visit "Frasier Land."
Frasier: It's a website, it teaches children about psychiatry!
Martin opens the door to Niles.
Martin: Hi.
Niles: Oh, hi dad. I can't stay, I just realised I think I left my
cell phone here last night.
Daphne: Oh, yeah, I did see it somewhere.
Daphne goes to the console to search for it.
Niles: [to Frasier:] Why are you wearing running clothes?
Martin: He won't tell us!
Daphne: [picks up cell phone and hands it to Niles] Here it is. It
was buried back here underneath all these baskets.
Martin: Oh, Daph! Look what you did! Hunting around in there, you
poked a hole right through this Hickory Farms basket.
[Martin quite obviously punches a big hole through the
cellophane on purpose. He takes it to his chair.] We can't
send it back now!
Niles: Thank you, Daphne.
Daphne exits to her room.
Frasier: Niles.
Niles: Yes.
Frasier: Is that a bandage sticking out of your shirt?
Niles: Oh, where?
Frasier: Well, right there. [points to one on the back of his neck]
Niles: Oh yes, I cut myself shaving.
Frasier: On the back of your neck? You went to see Karnovsky again,
didn't you?
Niles: Yes, I did! I was going to ask her out again, when I got all
flustered and I caught her staring at this grotesque
carbuncle.
Frasier: Carbuncle? You mean that miniscule mole of yours.
Niles: Well, to you. I've always been self-conscious about it. I've
made many a hasty wine selection because I felt the Sole
Melnais staring down at it.
Frasier: Oh, please. Just knock this off. Isn't it time you just
asked the woman out?
Niles: Frasier, I'm just waiting until the moment's right.
Frasier: Like you did with Daphne?!
And that hits Niles hard. There is a silent pause.
Frasier: Oh, Niles, I am sorry. But I'd like to see you do this while
I can still pick you out of a crowd. You know, I've got
tickets for the opera tonight. Why don't you ask her to join
you?
Niles: Oh, I don't know. [sits down]
Frasier: Come on. Take a cue from me, I'm completely reinventing
myself. You know what, [begins stretching his legs] if I can
learn a new language, write a bestseller, well then surely
you can ask this woman out. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a
marathon to train for!
Frasier gets caught on the console and falls down behind the sofa.
Niles and Martin rush to his aid.
Martin: Are you all right, Fras'?
Frasier: I'm fine.
Martin: What happened?
Niles: Well, I think he tripped on one of these baskets.
Martin: Did you break anything?
Frasier: I don't think so.
Martin: Because, if you broke it, there's no point sending this one
back either.
Martin takes another basket from the floor and heads to his chair
whilst opening it. Niles tends to Frasier.
Scene Three - Frasier's Apartment.
Frasier enters through the front door. He is hobbling with his new
cane. Then Martin enters with his old cane. They look at each other.
Frasier has become his father.
Frasier: Oh, dear God.
Martin: [laughs] Look at you. They gave you a sweet one. All shiny
and with no scuffs. Still has that new cane smell.
Frasier: Play your cards right, I might let you take it for a spin
around the lobby.
Martin: Well, what they say?
Frasier: Oh, just a little sprain. It's gonna take a couple of weeks.
The two sit down at the table. Frasier boots up his laptop.
Frasier: I guess I'm going to have to rethink my life's plan a bit.
Martin: Oh, you're gonna be doing all this stuff?
Frasier: Well, of course, dad, why wouldn't I?
Martin: Oh, I don't know. It just seems all so complicated. The
first one you tried was kind of a bust.
Frasier: Yes, well you know, I've just got to scale things back a
little bit. Set my sights on more attainable goals. For
instance here, "visit South America," that's in. "Discover the
lost treasure of the Incas," that's out. [deletes it] "Take up
rafting," that's in. "Retrace Lewis and Clarke's Route," that's
out. And this perpetual motion stuff, all this can go. [he
deletes it]
The doorbell sounds.
Frasier: Daphne!
Martin: Oh no, she's out for the whole evening. You're gonna have to
get it yourself.
Frasier: Oh, all right.
Frasier slowly hobbles to do so.
Martin: Let's see how that thing handles the corners. Come on, open
her up!
Frasier races to the door to find Niles and Mel dressed for an
evening out.
Niles: Hello Frasier, I'd like you to meet Dr. Mel Karnovsky.
Frasier: [to Mel] Well, I can't tell you what a pleasure this is.
Niles: I believe you have some opera tickets for us.
Frasier: Yes, I do. [fetches them]
Niles: Oh, Mel, this is my father, Martin. [Martin stands]
Martin greets Mel. Frasier hands them the tickets.
Mel: Thank you. We're very grateful for this. Niles and I happen
to be such huge fans of Puccini.
Martin: [as Eddie enters] Speaking of which, here is our own little
"Pooch-ini"!
Mel greets Eddie as he licks her. Mel seems to enjoy it and pets him.
However when she stands up the hair brush comes up as Niles wipes her
ear with a tissue. Martin and Frasier give each other a look.
Frasier: So, where are you two having dinner?
Mel: "Belle Canto," we have a table on the terrace.
Frasier: Terrace? Well, I didn't know they had a terrace.
Mel: Really? Well I guess you have to know the owner. But, we
better be going. I've pre-ordered our chocolate soufflés and
they'll be ready at seven-thirty precisely.
Frasier: Well, off you go then. Just remember, Niles, nothing puts on
love handles faster than chocolate soufflé.
Mel: Oh well, you know, no one takes them off faster than I do.
[laughs]
Frasier: Very funny, lovely meeting you.
Mel and Niles exits as Frasier closes the door.
Frasier: Well, she seems a bit much.
Martin: What do you mean?
Frasier: Well, picking the restaurant, dining on the terrace, you
have to know the owner. Doesn't she remind you of someone?
Martin: Yeah, you!
Frasier: I was talking about Maris.
Martin: Oh, come on, don't you think you're overreacting a little
bit? I mean, Niles sure seems happy.
Frasier: Yes, you're right, dad. In fact, I've got a lot to accomplish
this evening. [sits on sofa] Tonight, I'm going to start on
my Russian language tapes. [Martin laughs] What is it, dad?
Martin: What? Nothing.
Frasier: Don't you think I can do any of these things?
Martin: No, I think you can do anything you put your mind to,
Frasier, you always have.
Frasier: Thank you, dad.
Martin: I just wonder about all these projects.
Frasier: Well, as I said, I am streamlining.
Martin: You know, I think what you discovered this week was that
something's missing from your life. And before you start to
fill it up with everything but the kitchen sink, I thought
you'd want to just ask yourself what you really want. What
is really going to make me happy? Now. [pause] Well, that's
weird, I suddenly feel like having a beer.
Martin exits to the kitchen. Frasier makes a decision. He stands up,
takes a bottle of champagne from one of the condolence baskets and
heads out into the corridor. He goes next door and knocks.
Frasier: Regan, it's me Frasier!
End of Act Two.
Credits:
Frasier's Apartment - Niles is seated on the couch, leafing through a
magazine. Martin walks behind him and removes a bow from one of the
gift baskets, placing it in the middle of Niles's once-again numb
forehead. Niles senses something and scratches his ear, but the bow
remains. As Martin sits down Niles glances at his watch and realizes
he has to leave. He goes out the door with the bow still firmly in
place as Martin waves smugly from his recliner.
Guest Appearances
Special Guest Stars
JANE ADAMS as Mel
Guest Starring
LAUREN COHN as Orderly
JOHN P. FARLEY as Records Clerk
CHARIESSE LAVALLE as News Anchor
SUSAN MERSON as Woman in Café
ROB LEO ROY as Phil
MARY JO SMITH as Nurse
Synopsis {kathy churay}
THE LATE DR. CRANE
ACT ONE
SCENE ONE - FRASIER'S CAR - DRIVING - DAY
(Frasier, Niles)
Niles sits in the passenger seat with his raincoat collar turned up,
shivering and complaining about the temperature in the car. Frasier
reassures him that it's perfectly comfortable and regrets that he even
asked Niles to accompany him to the art exhibit they're going to.
But he couldn't ask Regan, whom he's been avoiding ever since the fiasco
at the dance with Niles and Poppy. Niles urges him to ask her out
again, but Frasier refuses. Niles begins turning up the car's
heater as they argue, and Frasier struggles to unbuckle his shoulder
harness and open his raincoat. Inevitably, they end up in a
fender-bender with the car's airbags in their faces.
SCENE TWO - HOSPITAL EMERGENCY ROOM - LATER
(Frasier, Niles, Nurse, Fellow Patient)
Frasier and Niles wait impatiently for a doctor to look at Frasier's
injured nose. Fleeing an inquisitive fellow patient, Frasier steps
up to the admissions desk to ask when he can be seen by a doctor, and
Niles inquires whether there are any plastic surgeons on call. The
nurse tells him that the best surgeons in the city have their offices at
the hospital, including Dr. Mel Karnovsky. Niles complains to
Frasier that this is the same surgeon who is still billing him for
Maris's plastic surgery a year after the divorce. Frasier
encourages him to go and confront the charlatan, and Niles exits to do
just that.
Frasier is left behind to wait for the doctor, and the annoying fellow
patient tries once again to strike up a conversation with Frasier.
Frasier leaves in a huff, and when his name is called by the nurse, the
other patient identifies himself as Frasier and goes off smugly to be
seen by the doctor.
(SCENE TITLE: WHAT, ME WORRY?)
SCENE THREE - DR. KARNOVSKY'S OFFICE - DAY
(Records Messenger, Niles, Dr. Mel Karnovsky)
Niles waits in Dr. Karnovsky's anteroom as a man in a lab coat enters
carrying a large, dusty box. Niles mistakes him for Dr. Karnovsky,
but he's merely a messenger delivering Maris Crane's file to Karnovsky's
office -- just the current year, of course. The messenger leaves
and an attractive woman in a lab coat enters and identifies herself as
Melinda Karnovsky. Niles is taken aback but recovers himself and
begins to address the issue of the mistaken bill. Mel apologizes
and starts to open the box of records, but is put off by the dust.
She reaches into the drawer for a tissue and begins to clean her hands,
which seems to fascinate Niles.
He tries to talk to her a bit more but she is choking on the dust from
the box and goes over to the corner to turn on her hepafilter air
cleaner. Niles is impressed to realize that it's an
imported model impossible to get in the U.S. He's even more
impressed when he admires a print on the wall and she tells him she's on
the museum board. Just then she notices a tiny smudge on her jacket
and becomes preoccupied with trying to clean it. When she can't,
she removes her lab coat and gets another one from the closet, which
opens to reveal a long row of identical lab coats. Niles is
mesmerized by her obsession with cleanliness. She apologizes about
the bill, which is clearly her office's error, and assures Niles that it
will be taken care of. Niles is smitten with her and tries to make
a bit more conversation, but she is called in to see a patient.
The records messenger returns with four more boxes, which he announces
are Maris's records for 1998. Niles asks him whether he knows if
the picture on Dr. Karnovsky's desk is of her husband. The
messenger says tells him that it is a picture of her son. Niles is
amazed that she had a son at such a young age. The messenger is
politely skeptical.
The messenger leaves and Mel returns, surprised that Niles is still in
the office. He gathers up his courage and is about to ask her out,
when she tells him she can guess what he wants to ask her. Niles is
pleased until she observes that of course he wants to get rid of those
unattractive wrinkles on his forehead. She can fit him in for an
appointment at 4:30. Niles impulsively agrees.
(SCENE TITLE: DEAD MAN WATCHING)
SCENE FOUR - FRASIER'S APARTMENT - DAY
(Niles, Daphne, Frasier, Martin)
Niles stops by to see how Frasier is doing after his accident. He
sits on the couch with Frasier, and Daphne remarks that he's got a
mosquito on his forehead. Niles is startled to hear this and waves
it away, clearly having felt nothing when he was bitten. Frasier
becomes suspicious and asks Niles to wrinkle his forehead, but of course
he can't. He has a forehead full of Botox, a chemical used for
plastic surgery injections. Niles confesses that he had the
injections because he couldn't get up the nerve to ask Mel on a
date. Martin is less than thrilled to hear that his sons have begun
having plastic surgery.
Just then Daphne notices a news report on the television and draws their
attention to it. The newscaster reports that radio psychiatrist
Frasier Crane is dead as a result of a car accident earlier in the
day. They are all shocked to hear the report, including Niles, who
is prevented from frowning his indignation by the numbness in his
forehead.
ACT TWO
SCENE ONE - CAFE NEVOSA - DAY
(Frasier, Roz, Martin, Cafe Patron)
Frasier tells Roz that the patient who used his name at the emergency
room dropped dead of a heart attack, and everyone assumed it was
Frasier. Martin comes in with the newspaper, which has
printed Frasier's obituary. Martin gloats that he has been using
the mixup to generate sympathy down at McGinty's, where he has been the
recipient of numerous free beers. He heads off to the washroom as
Frasier tells Roz how upsetting it is to see one's own obituary and
realize all the things left undone. Roz reminds him that he hasn't
actually died, and has more time to accomplish whatever he wants to
do. Just then a cafe patron comes over to the table to tell Frasier
how glad she is that he's still around. Frasier is encouraged by
the women's comments and charges for the door, eager to begin
accomplishing his life's goals.
SCENE TWO - FRASIER'S APARTMENT - DAY
(Frasier, Daphne, Martin, Niles)
Frasier is seated at the table wearing warmup clothes and working on a
laptop computer as Daphne enters with clean laundry. She asks about
his outfit and assumes he is joking when he replies that he is going to
go running, as soon as he finishes typing his obituary. It is an
exercise to help him focus his goals. Martin enters and begins
exclaiming over yet another nut-and-cheese gift basket which has arrived
at the apartment as a gesture of condolence for Frasier's death. He
tells Frasier that he has run into Regan, who expressed relief that
Frasier hadn't been killed in the accident after all. Martin urges
Frasier to go over and ask her out again, but Frasier isn't convinced
that she would want to go out with him.
Niles comes in to retrieve the cell phone he left at the apartment the
day before, and Frasier notices a bandage on Niles's neck. Niles
reluctantly admits that he visited Mel Karnovsky again, and instead of
asking her out allowed her to remove a small mole from his neck.
Frasier tells Niles that he should go ahead and take the risk to ask Mel
out, much as Frasier is taking a risk by beginning to train for a
marathon. Frasier begins to do runner's stretches and warmups as he
talks to Niles, and ends up falling on the floor behind the couch.
Martin wants to know if he's broken anything -- especially one of the
gifts baskets which can't be returned if it's damaged. He pounces
on a basket, leaving Niles to help Frasier.
SCENE THREE - FRASIER'S APARTMENT - THAT EVENING
(Frasier, Martin)
Frasier enters with a limp and a cane, which Martin gleefully notes is a
nicer model than his own. Frasier sits down at the computer to
begin revising his ideal obituary to read more realistically.
Martin tells him that he's making too much of his goals, and Frasier
begins to eliminate the more grandiose items from his list as Martin
looks on in amusement.
The doorbell rings, and it's Niles and Mel, come to collect their opera
tickets from Frasier. Introductions are made and Eddie rushes over
to jump on Mel's dress and lick her face. Mel exclaims over Eddie's
cuteness while surreptitiously running a lint brush over her dress as
Niles blots her now-moist cheek with his handkerchief. They head
off for the opera, leaving Frasier to muse aloud about Mel's similarity
to Maris.
He sits down to work on his new Russian language tapes. Martin
chuckles that Fraiser is making too much out of these goals of his.
He tells Frasier that he ought to ask himself what will really make him
happy, right now. Frasier thinks for a moment, then crosses to the
console behind the couch which holds the gift baskets. He punches a
hole in one of the baskets, grabs a bottle of wine, and heads out the
apartment door.
THE HALLWAY
Frasier exits his apartment, but he doesn't go far. Just next door,
where he knocks on Regan's door to announce himself.
FADE OUT.
TAG SCENE - FRASIER'S APARTMENT
Niles is seated on the couch, leafing through a magazine. Martin
walks behind him and removes a bow from one of the gift baskets, placing
it in the middle of Niles's once-again numb forehead. Niles senses
something and scratches his ear, but the bow remains. As Martin
sits down Niles glances at his watch and realizes he has to leave.
He goes out the door with the bow still firmly in place as Martin waves
smugly from his recliner.
END OF SHOW
Legal Stuff
This episode capsule is copyright 2000 by Nick Hartley, Kathy
Churay. This episode summary remains property of Frasier, Copyright
of Paramount Productions and NBC. Printed without permission.
