Morning Becomes Entertainment Written by Rob Hanning
& Jay Kogen
Directed by Pamela Fryman
=====================================================================
Production Code: 7.19
Episode Number In Production Order: 164
Original Airdate on NBC: 6th April 2000
Episode filmed on 22nd February 2000
Transcript written on 19th June 2000
Transcript revised on 19th May 2001
I Summon Thee...
Bebe Glazer has appeared in:
- [1.09] Selling OOut
- [1.18] And The Whimper Is...
- [2.22] Agents IIn America, Part III
- [3.21] Where Thhere's Smoke, There's Fired
- [4.17] Roz's Tuurn
- [5.12] The Zoo Story
- [7.19] Morning Becomes Entertainment
Transcript {nicholas hartley}
[Act One.]
[Scene One - Café Nervosa.
Daphne is sat at a table as Frasier enters.]
Frasier: Daphne.
Daphne: Hey.
Frasier: Hello, I thought you were spending the afternoon with dad.
Daphne: He's in the loo. Why don't you join us?
Frasier: All right, thank you. [sits] Hey, did you happen to catch
the show today, I was on fire. First caller was an
agoraphobic, [fists the air] boom! I knocked it right out
of the park. Then, two troubled marriages and a compulsive
over-eater; Boom! Boom! Boom! I was a regular mental health
dispensing machine.
Daphne: I did two loads of laundry and cut a piece of gum out of
Eddie's hair.
Frasier: Now, Daphne, don't get down on yourself. The work you do at
home is very important. In fact, I don't know what dad and
I are going to do once you're married.
Daphne: Thank you, Dr. Crane, that makes me feel better.
Frasier: Boom! Boy, there is no off-switch on this thing!
Daphne: Sadly, that's true. [laughs]
[Roz enters.]
Frasier: Oh, there she is, the other half of our team. Roz, are you
still as jazzed as I am?
Roz: They're taking us off the air! [sits]
Frasier: What?! Since when?
Roz: Well, while you were out looking for Gatorade to pour over
yourself, Kenny came by and said he's yanking us for a week.
He wants to try out that new show - you know, "Car Chat with
Bob and Bethany."
Frasier: "Car Chat with Bob and Bethany," what the... [pauses] Oh,
touché, Kenny. Indeed a worthy adversary but you shall find
I have a trick or two of my own! [laughs]
Daphne: You know, Dr. Crane, maybe a week off would do you some
good.
Frasier: No, no, no, you don't understand. See, I'm actually
renegotiating my contract right now, this is merely the
station's tactic to try and get me to cave.
Roz: I hope you're right.
Frasier: Well, of course I'm right; Bob and Bethany, Car chat, please!
I mean how can anyone drone on for three hours about a
subject that nobody even understands!
Roz: Yeah! We were there first!
[Roz goes to the counter.]
Daphne: Don't worry, Dr. Crane, I'm sure you're right about these
things. After all, you usually are.
Frasier: Well, thank you, Daphne, that's exactly what I needed to
hear.
Daphne: Boom!
[Martin enters from the toilets.]
Frasier: Oh, hi, dad.
Martin: [sits] Boy, they really did a job in the men's room, didn't
they?
Frasier: I hadn't noticed.
Martin: Oh, yeah, completely re-did it: Fancy wallpapers, bright new
tiles, even those little perfumed soaps that you like to use
at home, Fras'.
Daphne: Oh, for heaven's sakes, you went into the ladies room, you
blind old sod! I've been begging him for months to get
glasses.
Martin: Ladies room?! You're crazy, that guy was just in there.
[Martin points out a very masculine looking woman.]
Frasier: [calls over to the woman:] Oh hi, Bethany. Listen, good
luck in the slot next week.
Bethany: Thanks, we're pumped. [exits]
Frasier: Granted, dad, Bethany may be a bit of a tough call, but
still, you know, it wouldn't hurt to get a check-up.
Martin: Oh, come on, don't you start too. There's nothing wrong with
my eyes. [picks up cream holder] Now, if you don't mind, I
just want to sit here quietly and have a... [notices the cup
he picked up] ...have a drink of cream, do you have a
problem with that?! Good.
[The rest look at him as he sips the cream.]
[Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment.
Daphne is cutting some coupons as Frasier enters.]
Daphne: Hi, Dr. Crane.
Frasier: Oh, hello, Daphne. Say, you know my agent, Bebe, said she
might be stopping by. Have you heard anything?
Daphne: No, and I hope she's not staying for lunch, I'm afraid we're
fresh out of live mice.
[Martin then enters wearing a pair of "old-women" glasses. Frasier
looks at him alarmed.]
Martin: Hi, Fras'.
Frasier: Dad.
[Martin proudly exits to the kitchen.]
Frasier: Is it my imagination or are those ladies glasses?
Daphne: Yes, but don't you say anything. I had to drag him down to
the store. He tried on every pair in the place, those were
the only ones he liked.
Martin: [enters] So, how do you like the new specs?
Frasier: They certainly are eye-catching.
Martin: Yeah. You should have seen the looks I got all day. Mostly
from women. You know, I'd like to think it was me but I've
got an idea that these frames were designed with an eye to
pleasing the ladies.
Frasier: I'd say that's a safe assumption. [laughs with Daphne]
Martin: Have you seen the case for them? I don't know what I did
with it.
Daphne: Yes, I think I popped them into my purse, check my room.
Martin: Okey-doke. Oh, wait till you see this case, Fras'. This
Loren guy really knows what he's doing. [exits to Daphne's
room]
Frasier: Ralph Lauren?
Daphne: Sophia.
Frasier: I'm amazed you could keep a straight face all day.
Daphne: Well, I've done enough clothes shopping with your father.
[doorbell sounds] I'm pretty good at pretending to like
things, no matter how horrifying I find them.
[Daphne opens the door and smiles at Bebe.]
Daphne: [cheeful pretense] Bebe, how nice to see you. [she hands her
coat to her before she exits]
Bebe: [enters] Frasier, my favourite client, Seattle's gold and
glowing gift to the airwaves.
Frasier: So, I take it negotiations aren't going so well?
Bebe: You remember that insulting figure you said you'd never
accept? They haven't come up to it yet.
Frasier: Oh, dear.
Niles: [at open door] Knock, knock.
Frasier: Oh, come on in, Niles. Bebe's just bringing me up to speed
on her depressing news about my contract negotiations.
Bebe: Don't worry, dear, I just need to find a way to throw a
scare into 'em.
Niles: Have you tried turning into a bat?
Bebe: I would, love, but most grown men don't share your fear of
tiny creatures!
Frasier: Could you two please catch up later?
Bebe: I did get one offer that I thought might give us some
leverage. It's a TV job.
Frasier: Television?
Bebe: Unfortunately it's all wrong for you. They want you and Roz
to host "AM Seattle" next week.
Niles: That vapid morning chat show?
Bebe: Exactly what I told them. Frasier Crane is a doctor. He
heals the masses, he doesn't pander to them. He's not going
to do some silly morning coffee clash, no matter how
fabulously popular it is.
Frasier: No, it's quite right, Bebe. That sort of show, it's beneath
me.
Bebe: Exactly.
Frasier: It's undignified.
Bebe: Horribly.
Frasier: Still...
Bebe: I'm listening.
Frasier: If there were a way to do it with a bit more dignity, some
polish and substance.
Bebe: Why didn't I think of that?
Frasier: You know, a dash of high society, a dollop of culture.
Niles: I can't believe you're even considering this. The show is
nothing more than a melange of bad jokes and mind-numbing
banter.
Frasier: Yes, well, it doesn't have to be, Niles, don't you see? I
mean, if I could choose the guests myself-
Bebe: You can.
Frasier: And control the content-
Bebe: You could.
Frasier: Well, then, I'd accept.
Bebe: We did. [realises] I mean, we will. In fact, why don't I
call them right now with the exciting news. [takes out phone
and a cigarette] May I?
Frasier: On the balcony, if you don't mind.
Bebe: Mind? I don't want a single puff tearing up the baby blues
of TV's newest sensation. By this time next week...
Niles: You heard him, if you're gonna blow smoke, do it on the
balcony.
[Bebe exits to the balcony.]
Niles: Well, I can't say I'm surprised.
Frasier: What is that supposed to mean?
Niles: Only that something like this was inevitable. It's the final
step in your descent from legitimate psychiatrist to dancing
bear.
Frasier: Niles, we are talking about doing a sophisticated television
show for one week in order to improve my contract
negotiations.
Niles: This has nothing to do with your contract negotiations! You
have been an applause junky ever since you first set foot on
a grammar school stage.
Frasier: I was drawn to the theatre because of its discipline and
collaborative spirit!
Niles: Oh please, in your sixth grade production of "Oaklaholma!"
you took so many curtain calls Mrs. Van Raphorst had to
lasso you and pull you from the stage.
Frasier: That woman never understood me or the role of Farmer Number
Three!
Niles: Oh, I'm just wasting my breath. As usual you have fallen
under the spell of that sorceress out there.
Frasier: I have done no such thing. I wish you would just lay off of
Bebe, she is not some malign people who can transform
people at will!
[Martin enters wearing his glasses and searching through Daphne's
purse which is hung on his arm]
Martin: I can't find a damn thing in this purse! [exits]
Niles: If I say I'm sorry, will she change dad back into a man?
[Frasier gives Niles a look.]
[End of Act One]
[Act Two]
[Scene One - TV Studio.
Frasier arrives with Bebe on the stage. The producer, Matt, is
standing by.]
Frasier: Well, it took several of your best people, but I believe
they have finally wrestled this feisty cow-lick of mine into
submission. So, are we ready to roll?
Matt: Not quite, your partner's not here.
Frasier: Roz is not here? But we're on in four minutes.
Matt: At this point a re-run is on in four minutes.
Bebe: Don't worry, Matt, she'll be here.
Matt: We won't even have time to put her through make-up.
Bebe: A natural beauty like Roz? Oh, please, darling, pinch her
cheeks, stand back and watch her glow.
[Roz enters - she look rather under weather]
Roz: Hey, sorry I'm late.
Frasier: Roz, oh for God's sakes, you look awful, are you sick?
Roz: No, of course not, I wouldn't be sick for our big debut.
I'm totally fine.
Frasier: [feels her forehead] Roz, you're burning up.
Roz: Well, it's kinda hot in here, maybe it's all these lights.
Let's just get this jacket off!
[Roz begins to unbutton her shirt until Frasier stops her.]
Frasier: Stop, stop, you're delirious.
Bebe: With anticipation, darling. Don't worry, I'll calm her down.
[Bebe takes Roz to the side and shakes her.]
Bebe: Pull yourself together, do you hear me? We need this show!
Matt: All right, everyone, we're doing a re-run, let the audience
go, cue the tapes.
Bebe: Wait? Can't Frasier do the show without her?
Matt: This is a chat show, who's he going to chat with?
Bebe: Me, I'll go on with him.
Frasier: [upon hearing this, shakes Roz:] You! Pull yourself
together, Roz!
Matt: I don't think so, Bebe.
Bebe: Why not, all he needs is someone to suck up to, laugh at his
jokes, pretend to listen to his stories. I'm his agent, for
God's sakes, that's what I do!
Frasier: You know, I believe she could pull it off.
Matt: The problem is she needs to be likable.
Frasier: Right. Do I at least get to keep the suit?
Bebe: Hold on, I can be likable. I can also be very unlikable.
Maybe if you explain the difference to poor confused Bebe.
For instance, what you were doing in the dressing room with
the wardrobe girl an hour ago. Would your wife find that
likable or unlikable?
Matt: [worried] Put some make-up on this woman.
[Bebe walks over to Frasier.]
Director: Okay, folks, sixty seconds.
Frasier: All right, Bebe, just follow my lead. I'll introduce us and
then I'll get to our guests, all right?
[They sit and look through the scripts.]
Frasier: Wasn't our first guest Susan Sontag?
Bebe: She had a conflict. Don't worry, we've got a fabulous
replacement.
Frasier: "Baby Leo, the world's biggest two-year old"?!
Bebe: You're gonna love him, just remember to lift with your legs.
Frasier: This is unacceptable.
Bebe: Oh, now who's the world's biggest baby?
[Frasier and Bebe begin arguing as the intro music starts.]
Frasier: Hi, welcome to "AM Seattle." I'm Dr. Frasier Crane.
Bebe: And I'm Bebe Glazer.
Frasier: We're gonna be your hosts this week and believe me, we've
got some great shows lined up for you. But before we get to
our guests I'd like to take a few moments to share with you
a few thoughts I've prepared on a very special time of the
day, the time that we'll be spending together, morning. A
new beginning. A daily rebirth, if you will.
Matt: What the hell is this? Banter, banter. [he mimes banter to
Bebe]
Frasier: And even though AM stands for Anti-Meridian, if you simply
put them together, they also make up the word "am" as in "I
am."
Bebe: Whoa! Not before my coffee! As you can see, Frasier has a
way with words, but did you also know that he has a way with
voices.
Frasier: Excuse me?
Bebe: Who wants to hear Frasier's famous Sean Connery impression?
[The crowd goes wild. (NB: They used the real studio audience that
attended the filming of this episode)]
Frasier: [Sean Connery voice:] Now, Now, Moneypenny, you're
embarassing me.
Bebe: Dr. Frasier Crane, ladies and gentlemen. Anymore
impressions, Frasier?
Frasier: You know what, maybe I should just get back to my...
Bebe: Now, don't be shy! Who wants to hear Frasier do more
impressions?
[The crowd applauds.]
Frasier: It's just that I'd hate to take time away from our other
guests. I believe that [in James Mason voice:] James Mason
may be stopping by to visit.
[The crowd applauds as we fade out.]
I THINK THAT SMELL IS GREASE PAINT!
[Scene Two - TV Studio.
A few days later, Bebe and Frasier are presenting another show]
Frasier: Well, this has been some week.
Bebe: It's really flown by.
Frasier: Hasn't it?
Bebe: Whoosh!
Frasier: A-whoosh!
Bebe: And there's even time for Thursday's kitchen corner. We'll
be right back with Chef Frasier.
[They take the show to commercials.]
Matt: And we're clear.
Frasier: Bebe, "Kitchen corner?" I thought we had the violin prodigy
up next. For God sakes, we've bumped Kim Lee twice this
week.
Bebe: I know, but we're running short of time and the cooking
segment's going to be bopo!
Frasier: Well, all right, but I insist Kim Lee play over the closing
credits, all right? We're not running some sort of tacky,
run-of-the-mill morning show!
Director: Here's your chef's costume. [he takes it in anguish]
Bebe: Now, now, big dear. You know, Frasier, the most magical
thing happened to me last night during dinner.
Frasier: Really?
Bebe: I was recognised.
Frasier: Intoxicating, isn't it? Gosh, I myself, no stranger to
celebrity, have noticed more heads swivelling in my
direction.
Matt: And we're back in five, four, three, two...
[Frasier and Bebe take their place.]
Frasier: Welcome back.
Bebe: Frasier, I hear you're quite the gourmet.
Frasier: Oh please, I don't do anything fancy. A few soufflés, a
flambé or two, just good eats! Now, this morning I'm going
to be making my signature breakfast for you. That's "Eggs
Pelemo Fontana."
Bebe: Mmmm, makes my mouth water. But before we start, I have a
little sweetheart backstage who's dying to come out and give
you a hand.
Frasier: Is it Kim Lee?
Bebe: Not even close. It's Bobo, the cooking chimp!
[Bobo enters in a chef's jacket.]
Frasier: [covering] Ho-ho, that's very funny, it is. Has Matt's
fingerprints all over it!
Bebe: We thought it might be great fun if you were to match your
skills against him.
Frasier: Oh, I don't know, Bebe. Er....
Bebe: Well, let's let the audience decide. How many of you want to
see the monkey make eggs? [they all clap] Now, how many of
you want to see Bobo make eggs?
Frasier: Ouch! [laughs] Well, all right, apes before beauty!
[Bobo and Frasier take their seat in the kitchen corner.]
Bebe: Frasier, Bobo, may the best chef win!
Frasier: Now, the first rule of boute cusine is to be sure that you
have all of your ingredients at hand. You see, we have eggs,
milk, butter, spinach and of course our old friend, the
shallot!
[Bobo meanwhile has already cracked his egg in the pan.]
Frasier: Why, look at that, he's not even pre-heating the pan, the
beast! [laughs]
Bebe: Bobo's getting an early lead.
Frasier: It's very important to keep your eggs light and fluffy, so
what you want to do is add a bit of milk and a touch of
flour.
[Bobo meanwhile throws an egg at Frasier. They begin to have an
improvised slinging match, throwing the eggs at each other]
[Scene Three - Frasier's Apartment.
Meanwhile, Frasier, Daphne and Martin (wearing his women's glasses)
are watching it on the television]
Frasier: This whole thing was improvised.
Daphne: You're kidding, it's like you and chimp have been working
together for years!
Martin: Boy, that's great stuff, Frasier. You know, I can't tell you
how impressed the guys at McGinty's are that I have such a
famous son.
Frasier: What did they say?
Martin: Well, they don't say anything to my face, but when I walk in
they kind of nudge each other and whisper.
Daphne: [responding to a bell heard in the kitchen] That'll be my
Shepherd's Pie. [exits]
Martin: Shepherd's Pie. [takes glasses off]
Frasier: You know, I must confess, there's a part of me that wishes I
could still do the TV show. [doorbell]
Martin: Well, there's a part of me that wishes that monkey was
cooking dinner instead of you know who... but we put our
dreams away!
[Martin exits as Frasier opens the door to Roz.]
Frasier: Oh, hi, Roz. Well, don't you look nice. Are you feeling
better?
Roz: Yes, thank you. Can we talk?
Frasier: Well, of course, come on in. What's the matter?
Roz: Well, I talked to my friends in business affairs and they
say they're ready to close our deal but Bebe's holding it
up.
Frasier: Well, of course she's holding it up, she's trying to make
them sweat a little bit. That's the whole strategy behind
the TV show: leverage.
Roz: Yeah, well, I heard a rumour that "AM Seattle" isn't happy
with their regular hosts and I think she's angling for you
to take over. So where does that leave me?
Frasier: Even if that was Bebe's plan, you're forgetting that it's
still my career and I'm calling the shots. There is no way
I would continue doing "AM Seattle."
Roz: Yeah, well, you look like you are having the time of your
life.
Frasier: I'm playing a character! There is a big difference between
"Dr. Frasier Crane, psychiatrist" and "Frasier Crane, the
guy who starts your morning right." I'll tell you what. I
will speak to Bebe when we're in the chair. Oh, that's the
industry term for when we're getting our make-up put on.
Roz: Thanks, Frasier. [picks up Martin's glasses] God, this is so
weird! Daphne usually has such great taste, what was she
thinking with these glasses?!
Frasier: Well, actually, Roz...
Roz: [laughing, puts them on] I've gotta go see what these look
like.
[Roz heads to the powder room as Martin enters and notices her.]
Martin: Hi, Roz. [she exits] He-he-he, somebody ought to tell Mr.
Doyle she's wearing a dude's glasses!
[Frasier rolls his eyes.]
[Scene Four - Backstage.
Behind the scenes of "AM Seattle," Frasier is getting his make-up put
on as Bebe enters.]
Frasier: Oh, Kiki, you're a magician.
Bebe: Frasier, you're not going to believe the wonderful news I
just got: they want us to stay on.
Frasier: What?!
Bebe: Yes, we had the highest ratings the show's had all year.
Frasier: I don't believe this, Roz was right. You had no intention
of negotiating my radio contract.
Bebe: I don't expect gratitude, Frasier, just a little faith. I
finished your KACL contract this morning. [hands it over]
Frasier: You did.
Bebe: And I did quite a good job, I might add.
Frasier: Oh, I'm sorry, Bebe, I owe you an apology... [reads it]
Well, this is wonderful, got an extra week's vacation and a
very handsome raise.
Bebe: It's garbage compared to what they'll give us to stay on
here. You'll get an expense account, a wardrobe allowance,
not to mention a car and driver.
Frasier: No, no, let's not forget why I took this job. It was to
raise my profile, to get a better deal with the radio
contract. We've done that, Bebe and I thank you.
Bebe: You're welcome, darling, and I respect your choice.
Frasier: Thanks.
Bebe: Now, let's talk about today's show.
Frasier: Right.
Bebe: We start with the Friday Fiesta, here are our costumes...
[hands over Mexican ponchos] and then we move on to the Girl
Scout cookie-selling champ... [Bebe turns to tears] and then
we...
Frasier: Bebe, are you all right?
Bebe: I spent my life in the wings, it was just nice having my
moment in the spotlight. The rush when that little red light
on camera turns on... [captivating him] The stupid masking
tape on that dressing room door with my name on it...
Frasier: The stage door johnnys, whatever that strange man with the
autograph book calls himself...
[Niles enters, noticing her tactics.]
Bebe: Admit it, darling, you want this as much as I do. I saw it
in your eyes during the pie-eating contest. Nobody loves
blueberries that much, it's the audience you love!
Director: [v.o:] Are you ready for Bebe and Frasier?
[The crowd goes wild. Bebe clutches Frasier.]
Bebe: Listen to them! They want you!
Frasier: They do want me, don't they?
Bebe: Let me tear up the contract, Frasier.
Frasier: Maybe it is time for a change.
Niles: [moves in] Get away from him, you she-thing! It's a good
thing dad started choking on that peanut or I would have
never come back here for water. Stop this madness!
Bebe: He can't stop it, no-one can, show business is in his blood!
Niles: No, psychiatry is. Frasier, you're a healer.
Bebe: Anyone can heal, you're better than that, [eyes light up]
you're an entertainer!
Frasier: God, Niles, she's right. I love the audience. I know it's
shallow but it makes me feel alive.
Niles: Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look in this outfit?
Frasier, I know I sometimes I make light of your radio show,
but the truth is you provide help and hope and comfort to
people who need it. I have always envied you that.
Bebe: Don't listen to that drivel!
Frasier: He's right, Bebe. I'm a psychiatrist, I can't do the show
anymore. I'm sorry.
Bebe: Then quit! Who needs ya'? I'll find some other stuffed
shirt who's happy to ride my coat tails to fame. Niles,
you're a doctor!
Frasier: [stands between them] Niles, don't look into her eyes!
Bebe: Well, that's it, the dream is over!
Matt: [o.s:] Thirty seconds!
Bebe: But I'm still a professional, there's an audience out there
waiting for two people to ride in on a donkey. I don't know
about you, but I'm not going to let them down. [gets onto
the donkey]
Niles: [off Frasier's glance] It's your last show, get out there!
Frasier: Thanks, brother, for keeping me grounded.
[Frasier then puts his Mexican hat on and clambers onto the donkey and
sets out to the stage]
Niles: Vaya Con Dios!
[End of Act Two]
Credits:
Martin is sat in Café Nervosa cleaning his glasses. As he does so, a
woman comes in and sits with him wearing the exact same type. Martin
realises they are ladie's glasses and quietly slips the glasses away
before striking up conversation with her.
Guest Appearances
Special Guest Stars
HARRIET SANSOM HARRIS as Bebe Glazer
Guest Starring
KAREN HENSEL as Bethany
CARLOS JACOTT as Matt
ILO ORLEANS as Stage Manager
Legal Stuff
This episode capsule is copyright 2000 by Nick Hartley.
This episode summary remains property of Frasier, Copyright
of Paramount Productions and NBC. Printed without permission.
