Trophy Girlfriend Written by Saladin K. Patterson
Directed by Kelsey Grammer
=====================================================================
Production Code: 10.15
Episode Number In Production Order: 231
Original Airdate on NBC: February 18, 2003
Transcript written on March 28, 2003
Julia Wilcox Episodes
[10.12] The Harassed
Transcript {Kelly Dean Hansen}
Skyline: A bolt of lightning flashes.
ACT I
[Scene 1 - Squash gym lobby. Niles is there. Frasier rushes in.]
Frasier: Ooh, Niles, sorry I'm late. Did you sign us up?
Niles: Um, Frasier, I've been thinking. How many years have we
teamed up for the squash tournament, only to be eliminated
in the second round?
Frasier: Nine.
Niles: Don't you think it's time we came up with a new strategy?
Frasier: Niles, if you're talking about taking that powder that's
made from sheep's glands, the answer is never again!
Niles: Actually, I was thinking of something more fundamental.
It occurs to me that after nine years...
Frasier: Shh, shh, Niles, Niles, here comes that two-faced braggart
Jim Blake. Jim, looking good!
[Jim, a dark-haired man, walks to Frasier and shakes his hand.]
Jim: Thanks, Frasier, thanks.
Frasier: So, you signed up for the tournament?
Jim: Uh, I don't know. [to Niles] Have we, partner?
[Frasier is stunned. Niles grins cheesily.]
Jim: Awesome, awesome, let's do it! I'll see you on the court, bro.
[Jim offers his fist for a "fist high-five." Niles, unsure of himself,
slaps the fist with his open palm. Jim, rather bemused, then exits.]
Niles: It's not what it looks like.
Frasier: It's exactly what it looks like. You've teamed up with someone
younger and in better shape.
Niles: No, Frasier, you know I don't care about such superficial things.
Frasier: You know, that Jim is bad news. He struts around here in those
ridiculous-looking Swedish goggles that everybody thinks are
so cool.
Niles: [smugly] Jim.
Frasier: You know, I just wish you'd told me sooner instead of waiting
until the last minute. Does Jim know you're passive-agressive?
Niles: Believe me, neither Jim nor I expected this to happen, but our
games just meshed. We would have teamed up sooner, but the
timing was never right. Either Jim was with a squash partner,
or I was playing with you...
Frasier: Fine, go, just go, go, go to your new partner. I don't care,
who needs you?
[Niles grabs his raquet and begins to exit.]
Frasier: Niles...don't forget to wear your wrist brace, you know how
easily you sprain.
[They exchange a caring look. Niles then thinks better of it and
quickly exits. An attractive woman dressed in warm-ups then enters
from the opposite door.]
Chelsea: Hi...Frasier! Chelsea Gray. We met a few months ago.
Frasier: Oh, yes! [They shake hands vigorously.]
Chelsea: You were kicking the Gatorade machine.
Frasier: Of course, I remember. I had inserted my dollar bill with
Washington's face up as per the diagram and was vended nothing.
Chelsea: [laughing] Did you ever write that letter?
Frasier: Indeed I did. The matter still pends.
Chelsea: [enjoying an easy chemistry with him] Aah! So, did you sign
up for the tournament?
Frasier: Uh, well, I was going to, but, uh, I just found out my, uh,
customary partner has made other plans this year.
Chelsea: Well, would you be interested in playing mixed doubles? I'm
a girls PE teacher, so it'd be nice to play with a guy for a
change.
Frasier: Well, thanks for the offer, but after what I've just been
through, I'm not sure I'm ready to partner up again.
Chelsea: That's too bad. I've seen you play. We'd make a good team.
[Jim walks by and hears this.]
Jim: You already resorting to playing with the girls, Frasier?
No offense, sweetie. [He clicks his tongue and exits.]
Chelsea: Excuse me.
[She takes her raquet and hits a ball forcefully in the direction Jim
just went.]
Jim: [offstage] OW!
Frasier: [impressed] Nice shot, partner!
TROPHY GIRLFRIEND
[Scene 2 - Frasier's apartment.
Frasier and Chelsea enter. They are carrying two trophy cups.]
Frasier: Here we are. Hello, all! You'll never guess who just won
their squash tournament!
[Daphne, Niles, and Martin are all seated at the dining table.]
Daphne: If only we had a big, shiny clue.
Martin: Well, hey, that's great news. Congratulations!
Chelsea: Well, I owe it all to my partner.
Frasier: Oh, thank you, partner, but I think it's really due to our
partnership. [They hold hands.]
Chelsea: Aha, well, now you know what they say, there's no "I" in
"team."
Frasier: Like there is in "Niles!" So here, Dad. Check it out!
Martin: [taking the trophy] Well, would you look at that! I didn't
think I'd ever see the day one of my boys would win a
trophy that didn't have a book on it. Now all that's left
on my list is shake hands with Hank Aaron, kiss Sally Field
on the mouth, and then I can go on and be with your mother.
Niles: You know, Jim and I may have our own trophy soon. We're still
alive in the men's doubles bracket.
Frasier: Oh, please, Niles, your partner couldn't be carrying you any
more if he put you in a Snugli and strapped you to his stomach.
[Frasier and Chelsea laugh. He puts the trophy on the bookcase.]
Martin: Well, I'm proud of both of you. And Squash might not be the
toughest of sports, but it's still technically a sport.
Chelsea: What? Squash can be pretty tough. [Martin begins to dismiss
this.] Oh, no! No, no. I once saw a man break his leg in
a mid-court collision. The bone was poking through his skin,
and he still finished the point.
Martin: [incredulous] That's the game you guys play?
Niles: [uneasily] Hell, yeah!
Chelsea: Frasier, do you mind if I use your phone?
Frasier: No, of course not. I'll tell you what. Come use the one in
the other room. That'll give you some privacy. After you,
my lady. [They exit to Frasier's room.]
Niles: You know, Dad, when Jim and I win our trophies, I'm going to
give mine to you.
Martin: Thank you son! But I don't want you moping around here if
your brother wins one and you don't.
Niles: Oh, please, Dad, I'm a little more mature than that.
Martin: No, you're not. [He heads for the chair. Daphne has exited.]
It still bugs you that his name comes first alphabetically.
Niles: Well, that was your fault.
[Daphne and Frasier both re-enter from opposite directions.]
Daphne: Your girlfriend seems nice.
Frasier: She is nice, but she's certainly not my girlfriend. I do find
her attractive, but I'm not sure I'm anything more than a
teammate to her.
[They sit on the couch.]
Daphne: Well, from what I've seen, I'd say she likes you a lot.
Frasier: Really? She did kiss me once. But I think that was just in
an overflow of emotion after one of our victories. You know,
I suppose that happens all the time on sports teams.
Martin: [indignantly] It doesn't! Of course I can't speak for the
Canadian leagues.
Frasier: Well, truth be told, now that there's not the excitement of
the tournament to fuel the fires, I don't think we really
have much in common in the real world.
Niles: [childishly] You have your ostentations trophies.
Chelsea: [re-entering] Well, it was good seeing you all, but I have
to get going?
Daphne: Oh, so soon?
Martin: You just got here.
Chelsea: I have an early faculty meeting.
[She grabs her trophy, where Niles's hand is resting. He very reluctantly
releases it.]
Frasier: I'll walk you out.
Martin: Come back!
Daphne: Bye!
Niles: Bye!
Chelsea: Bye!
Martin: See ya!
Niles: Congratulations.
[Frasier and Chelsea exit to the hallway. She calls the elevator.]
Frasier: Well, I, uh, I certainly had a great time the last few weeks.
Chelsea: Me too. Call me again if you want to play sometime.
[The elevator arrives. She enters it, then stops the door.]
Chelsea: I don't suppose you'd want to take this to the next level?
Frasier: Oh, I gave up my dream of professional Squash years ago.
Chelsea: That's not what I meant. Um, maybe I could think of another
way to put it.
[She leans forward and kisses him on the mouth. He is surprised and
delighted. As the elevator door closes, she smiles and waves. Frasier
beams. Fade out.]
[Scene 3 - Cafe Nervosa.
Daphne is at the counter. Frasier enters.]
Frasier: Hi, Daph!
Daphne: Hey, I didn't expect to see you here. Niles said you were
going out with Chelsea.
Frasier: Oh, yes, I just thought I'd stop by for a quick pick-me-up
before I pick her up.
Daphne: Does she laugh at that kind of stuff?
Frasier: You know, she does.
Daphne: Hold on to this one.
Frasier: I intend to. Uh, espresso please. You know, every day I learn
something new about her. She enjoys reading poetry in the bath.
She's an excellent cook. It's like she's the perfect girl for
me.
Daphne: Well, I think you make a lovely couple. Even though Niles can't
believe you're dating a gym teacher. He says it's a betrayal
of your younger selves.
Frasier: Yes, it's perfectly understandable. We didn't have much luck
with gym teachers when we were kids. They were always so
derisive and ego-crippling. There was this one in particular,
Coach Fuller. He was the worst. The kind of man that would
make the whole class wait while you did your pushup. It was
so traumatizing, you know, I would actually lose my lunch
before gym period. Except on those days when my lunch money
was stolen. Then I'd just dry heave.
Daphne: [grabbing her order] Niles has tons of stories like that.
Frasier: You know...perhaps getting to know Chelsea will help Niles
to exorcise his demons and put them behind him.
Daphne: He's running out of room back there.
[Roz enters.]
Daphne: Hey, Roz! [She exits.]
Roz: Hey, Daphne.
Frasier: You all right?
Roz: Well, I was fine until I saw Julia in the parking lot. Why
does she have to come here?
Frasier: For God's sake, Roz, I'm a little tired of hearing you complain
about Julia all the time. Why don't you just give her a chance?
Roz: How about her? I've been working with her for over a month and
she shows me no respect. She's mean and arrogant, but not in
a funny way like you. Could I have a latte, please?
Frasier: Listen, the woman took a portion of my show to do her financial
drivel. You don't hear me complaining about her all the time.
Now enough is enough. [Julia has entered and is at the counter.]
Julia...why don't you come and join us?
Julia: Oh, all right. Thank you. [She sits, ignoring Roz.] Hello,
Frasier.
Frasier: Well, isn't this nice.
[Julia removes her coat and continues to ignore Roz, looking only at
Frasier.]
Frasier: All right, it's come to my attention that there is some tension
between the two of you. Now, as it is entirely possible that we
will be spending a great deal of time together, I think it's
important that we establish an environment of mutual respect.
To that end, as it is impossible for the two of you to communicate
at all, it's time for me to roll up my sleeves and facilitate.
Finding some common ground would be the first step, perhaps a love
of plants, the seed...
Julia: You sure love to hear yourself talk.
Roz: And it's impossible to tune him out.
Julia: How can you stand it?
Roz: The key is to know when to say "uh-huh."
Frasier: Fine, fine, all right. If I am you common ground, so be it.
Please feel free to tread upon me.
Roz: Uh-huh.
Frasier: The important thing is that you're talking. Communication...
Julia: Just go!
[He exits. Julia drinks her coffee.]
Julia: Okay, he's gone.
[They quickly separate, take their coffee and move to tables far apart.
Fade out.]
[Scene 4 - High school gym.
Chelsea is giving basketball drills to a group of girls. Her shirt reads
"Patterson Middle School." Frasier enters.]
Chelsea: Slowly. Oh. Be with you in a minute. You can wait in my
office.
[Frasier runs across the gym to the office. We hear Chelsea as Frasier
explores the office.]
Chelsea: [to the class] Very nice, nice...All right, concentrate! Very
good, alright!
Frasier: [reading a note] "Please excuse my daughter Ruby from P.E. She
has a 'delibitating' disease." Nice try, Ruby.
Chelsea: [blowing the whistle] Okay, who didn't climb rope yet? Campbell,
you're up!
[Chelsea runs to the office. A slightly heavy-set girl timidly approaches
the rope. The rest of the class gathers to watch her. She is like a
deer in the headlights. Cut to the office.]
Chelsea: [kisses Frasier] Oh, I'd forgotten how it felt to sneak a kiss
in school.
Frasier: It always looked like fun.
Chelsea: So I'll be finished here in a second and then we can go.
Frasier: Great, great, I thought we'd try this new place. I just...
Chelsea: [blowing the whistle toward the gym] Campbell, you're not
even trying! [to Frasier] Sorry, you were saying?
Frasier: Yeah, I read a great review of this new restaurant. Apparently
the chef is from...
[The Bell rings, and Chelsea blows the whistle.]
Chelsea: [yelling] No one is leaving until Campbell climbs the rope!
[to Frasier] Excuse me for a moment. [blows whistle again
and goes out to the gym. The girl is struggling mightily
to climb the rope.] Come on! You can sleep through English!
Toughen up, you can do it! Let's go, Campbell! Everybody's
waiting!
[During Frasier's observation of the above, Chelsea's voice begins to
become like an echo. Gradually, Frasier no longer hears Chelsea yelling
at the girl, but the hated coach Fuller yelling at him.]
Fuller: Come on, Crane! Nobody is going home until you haul that fat
bucket of lard to the top!
[Frasier now sees Fuller, and not Chelsea, in the gym. The lights are
off, and he sees himself (not as a child) hanging helplessly on the rope.]
Frasier: [on the rope, crying, in gym clothes] I can't!
[The imaginary Frasier slides off the rope. Frasier, observing this from
the office, is clearly deeply disturbed. Reality quickly returns as
Chelsea goes back to the office.]
Chelsea: Just give me a few minutes, and I'll be ready to go. Oh, I just
need you to do one thing.
[Frasier suddenly sees Coach Fuller, cigar in mouth, in front of him.]
Fuller: Drop and give me 20, Crane!
Frasier: I beg your pardon?
Chelsea: Could you just round up the basketballs and put them in the rack
over there? Thanks.
[She kisses him on the cheek, then again loudly blows the whistle at the
class. Frasier is distressed by what he sees in both reality and fantasy.
He rolls his eyes back and forth, obviously shaken. Fade out.]
END OF ACT I
ACT II
[N.B. From here until nearly the end of the episode, Frasier sees Chelsea
as Coach Fuller. Since Bob Hoskins is in the scenes and speaks the lines,
the speech headings read "Fuller," even though we know it is really
Chelsea who is speaking.]
[Scene 5 - Cafe Nervosa.
Frasier is seated, drinking coffee, clearly troubled. Daphne drags an
unwilling Niles to the table.]
Daphne: Frasier, Niles has something he needs to tell you.
[She seats him. He hesitates.]
Daphne: Go on, tell him, I'm sick of hearing you complain!
Niles: [in a quick, declarative manner] I made a mistake partnering
with Jim. Our styles never really meshed, which wasn't my
fault, but that didn't stop him from losing his temper during
a match, and he yelled at me. With you, it was different.
You brought honor to the game. Rejoin me, Frasier, and
together we can rekindle the magic. [His voice breaks.
Frasier looks on, sympathetically.]
Daphne: Please, take him back. I cannot listen to another draft of
this speech. I'll see you at home, sweetie [kisses him].
Niles: Thanks, hon.
Frasier: Niles, I'll gladly re-team with you.
Niles: Just like that? [Frasier nods.] I expected you to gloat and
rub it in, make me suffer. Don't you care?
Frasier: Oh, my apologies, Niles, it's just that I'm a little distracted
about something that happened yesterday at Chelsea's school.
Niles: I'm sorry, but that reminds me. Chelsea sent me the sweetest
gift after Jim and I were eliminated from the tournament. It's
an actual squash with a smiley face drawn on it.
Frasier: That's cute.
Niles: You know, when you first started dating her, I couldn't get past
the fact that she was a gym teacher. But she's proven to be
nothing like I expected. Kudos to you.
Frasier: Well, not sure I deserve such praise.
Niles: No, no, don't be so modest, Frasier. You truly have a gift for
seeing the inner beauty of a person.
Frasier: I do try.
Niles: Speak of the devil. Here's Dad and Chelsea now.
[Martin and Chelsea enter, but we, along with Frasier, see Coach Fuller
in his gym clothes and with cigar.]
Martin: Hey, guys. Look who I ran into.
Niles: Hello, Dad. Hi, Chelsea!
[Chelsea (Fuller) gives Niles a hug.]
Fuller: Niles. Hello sweetie! [He kisses Frasier.]
Niles: That's a lovely outfit.
Fuller: Really? You think so, huh? [He turns around.] I thought it
might be a little racy, but then I thought, what the hell.
What do you think, Frasier?
Frasier: Oh, uh, it's very becoming.
Fuller: Thank you. Just let me grab a drink and we'll be ready to
go.
Martin: [sitting] I usually stay out of your love affairs, son, but
you've got a good one here. Definitely a keeper.
Niles: Yes, and might I add, and excuse my gutter speak, hubba, hubba!
Martin: Back to our best behavior, there's a lady present!
[Chelsea/Fuller returns and kisses Frasier on the head.]
Fuller: I'm ready, sweetie!
[(S)he hugs him around the neck, transferring the cigar to his mouth.
Frasier smiles uncomfortably. Fade out.]
[Scene 6 - Frasier's bathroom.
There are candles all around. Frasier is in the bath. Chelsea/Fuller,
still in gym clothes, is scrubbing his back with a loofah and reading
from a book of poetry. Mood music plays in the backgroung.]
Fuller: "Love is a smoke raised in the fume of sighs, being purged,
a fire sparkling in a lover's eyes..." You all right?
Frasier: [distracted] What? I'm fine.
Fuller: [continuing to scrub and read] "I am a vessel. Come tenderly
and fill me with the nectar of your love."
[(S)he begins to scrub his chest. Frasier looks troubled and helpless.
Fade out.]
[Scene 7 - Cafe Nervosa.
Kenny and Julia are seated at a table.]
Kenny: So I figure since you're the financial guru, you could help
me out. Now obviously, I don't want to get involved in some
get-rich-quick scheme, but I do need to make a lot of money
really fast. So what have you got?
Julia: [reading a newspaper] I don't like to talk about work when I'm
outside the office.
Kenny: Oh.
Julia: [to the waitress handing her coffee] Thank you.
[Roz enters.]
Kenny: Right. Me neither. [He becomes uncomfortable.] Hey, there's
Roz! Hey, Roz, come join us.
Roz: I don't think so.
Kenny: No, no, no, I won't take no for an answer. Now you sit down.
[He seats her in the chair he was occupying.]
Roz: Hi, Julia.
Julia: Roz.
Kenny: Well, I know girl talk when I hear it. Bye.
[He quickly exits.]
Roz: I'll go this time.
Julia: Thanks.
[She rises and begins to leave, then stops.]
Roz: You know, maybe Frasier was right. Would it kill us to make
some effort to be civil?
Julia: I guess not.
[Roz sits again. A waitress brings coffee.]
Roz: Thanks. [to Julia] So, your show was good today.
Julia: [grinning] Yes, it was. And...and your producing was topnotch.
Roz: Thanks. Sugar?
Julia: Please.
Roz: Well, this isn't so bad.
Julia: No, it's not. Maybe we just got off on the wrong foot.
Roz: Well, when you first started, you know, I just thought you were
kind of a bitch for ordering everybody around.
Julia: That's totally my fault. I have a tendency to be patronizing
to, um, entry-level employees.
Roz: You know, I was going to say something earlier, but when I
heard your first show, I figured you wouldn't be here long.
[She sips her coffee. Julia laughs.]
Julia: Well, you certainly made an impression on me. I remember, I kept
thinking: "Who did she sleep with to get this job?" And then I
found out. Everybody!
Roz: That's a good one! [they laugh] You know, there's a plunger in
the bathroom, what do you say we go look for your career?
Julia: Great! While we're in there I can get your phone number.
Roz: Don't bother, it's 1-800-BITE ME.
Julia: "Bite me," that's the best that you've got?
Roz: Oh, I could spend half an hour on your hair.
Julia: Well, you should have spent half an hour on your hair.
Roz: Oh, really? [They laugh warmly.]
Waitress: It's closing time, ladies, I'm afraid you'll have to leave.
[She gives them the check.]
Roz: But we're just warming up.
Julia: You know, there's a place down the street that, uh, is open all
night.
[They rise and begin to exit.]
Roz: Just like your mouth?
Julia: Just like your legs?
Roz: Hey, wait up!
[Roz quickly pursues Julia out of the cafe. Fade out.]
[Scene 8 - Frasier's bedroom.
He is lying on his side, shirtless. Chelsea/Fuller is seated in the bed
next to him, still in the same gym clothes.]
Fuller: So, we're just going to go to sleep, huh?
Frasier: I'm really tired.
Fuller: You sure you don't want to watch TV or get something to eat?
Frasier: No.
Fuller: I know someone who's ticklish!
[(S)he begins go reach under the covers to tickle Frasier.]
Frasier: Oh, no, stop, stop, stop!
Fuller: Okay, Frasier. You've been acting weird all day. What's going
on?
Frasier: Well, it's a little complicated?
Fuller: What is? Is there a problem? [(S)he looks at him with deep
concern.]
Frasier: Yes, Chelsea, there is. It disturbed me yesterday when I saw
you yelling at that little girl on the rope. I couldn't
believe how harsh you were. You may not realize it, but that
can have a crippling effect on a child.
Fuller: What? I didn't think I was being excessively harsh. I was just
trying to motivate her.
Frasier: Yes, well, the way you were shouting, it was hard to tell. When
you're a child, all you know is you're being singled out. [sighs]
I have no right to tell you how to do your job, it's my problem,
not yours.
Fuller: No, no, you may have a point. Maybe I do push too hard.
Sometimes, I forget just how fragile kids can be.
Frasier: Really? You agree with me?
Fuller: Yes, I do. Thank you, Frasier.
[They embrace. As they release each other, Frasier now sees Chelsea as
herself, in a sexy nightgown.]
Chelsea: It's sweet of you to care so much.
Frasier: Well, you're worth caring about. [They kiss.]
Chelsea: Now, come on, let's go have a nice romantic dinner.
Frasier: [excited] Okay, let me just go get ready. [He runs to the
bathroom.] You know, when I heard you shouting at that little
girl today, I swear, it just brought back a flood of
memories from my own childhood. [He goes in the bathroom and
closes the door.]
Chelsea: Really?
Frasier: Oh, yeah.
[Chelsea gets dressed as she listens to Frasier's speech from the bathroom.]
Frasier: You know, my gym teacher was constantly yelling at me because I
couldn't do a single pull-up, or a lap around the track.
Chelsea: [troubled by this] Not even one?
Frasier: Oh, please. I was a very late bloomer. I could barely do a
jumping jack without getting a nosebleed. And let's not begin
to talk about the climbing rope! There we go, all done!
[Chelsea finishes dressing. As Frasier exits the bathroom, Chelsea
sees him not as himself, but as Campbell, the little girl from gym
class, in her P.E. clothes.]
Girl: Well, what do you say I get us a table at Petite Auberge?
They do an excellent veal chop.
Chelsea: [disturbed, smiling uncomfortably] Okay.
Girl: After you, milady.
[(S)he opens the door for Chelsea, who exits. Frasier/Campbell follows
her out. Fade out.]
END OF ACT II
Credits:
Martin is trying to find an appropriate place to display Frasier's
trophy. He tries the TV, but doesn't like it there. He then moves
it to the top of the bookshelf. Still dissatisfied, he places it in
the middle of the table, which seems to please him. Frasier then
enters with a large bouquet of flowers, which he happily plants in
the trophy. Martin is quite troubled by this, and gets a concerned
look on his face.
Guest Appearances
Special Appearance By
BOB HOSKINS as Coach Fuller
Special Guest Stars
FELICITY HUFFMAN as Julia
JEANNE TRIPPLEHORN as Chelsea
Co-Starring
JACK BREWER as Jim
AMANDA CORDAY as Campbell (Girl)
NADINE DONAHUE as Waitress
and
TOM McGOWAN as Kenny
Legal Stuff
This episode capsule is copyright 2003 by Kelly Dean Hansen. This episode
summary remains property of Frasier, Copyright of Paramount
Productions and NBC. Printed without permission.
