The Harassed Written by Chris Marcil
Directed by Kelsey Grammer
=====================================================================
Production Code: 10.12
Episode Number In Production Order: 230
Original Airdate on NBC: January 14, 2003
Transcript written on February 17, 2003
Transcript {Kelly Dean Hansen}
Skyline: Radio waves emanante from the top of the Space Needle.
ACT I
[Scene 1 - KACL.
Frasier is finishing a segment.]
Frasier: We'll be right back with Julia Wilcox and our new stock market
update after this.
[He exits the air and removes his phones. Kenny enters.]
Kenny: That's it? That's your big introduction for Julia? What
happened to the copy I wrote for you?
Frasier: [looking at the copy] Kenny, come on. "Julia" does not rhyme
with "moolah."
Kenny: [shrugging] We'll, they're spelled the same.
Frasier: Oh, they are not, stop it. Isn't it enough that she's getting
ten minutes of my show?
Kenny: Hey, hey. We're lucky to have her. [Roz enters from her booth.]
Don't be surprised if she ends up boosting your ratings a notch.
Frasier: Yes, but at what cost? The woman's credibility is questionable.
Kenny: She's credible. The woman was on CNBC. She had a syndicated
column. You can't hold one mistake against her.
Roz: What'd she do?
Frasier: She wrote a book called Day Trade Your Way Out of Debt.
Apparently, some people lost money.
Kenny: I don't see you writing any books. Now listen, she's a little
sensitive, so I don't want to hear anyone talking about the book,
how it ruined her career, that guy who killed himself in
Pennsylva... hey, hey, hey! There she is! Our financial wizard.
[Julia has entered at the obvious moment. She is tall, blonde, slim,
smartly dressed, and has an immediately apparent air of haughtiness
and superiority.]
Kenny: This is Dr. Frasier Crane.
Julia: Hello. [shakes Frasier's hand]
Kenny: His producer, Roz Doyle.
Roz: Hi.
Julia: Nice to meet you. So this is my mike?
Frasier: [with Roz] Yes.
Roz: [breaking the ice] You know, I studied finance in college.
Julia: Hey, that's great. Can you get me some coffee, Rizzo?
[Frasier and Roz are both taken aback by this.]
Roz: It's Roz.
Julia: Super. Two creams. Thanks.
[Kenny gestures to Roz to comply.]
Kenny: So, um, do your intro, we'll do a promo, and then back to you.
Got it? Intro, promo, you.
Julia: [with biting sarcasm] So, you don't want me to do the intro last?
Kenny: Uh, no, because you see, "Intro" is short for... [realizing] Oh,
oh, oh, I get it!
[Kenny makes a playful teasing gesture to Julia. She plays along, but
with obvious disdain for him.]
Kenny: Very good! You got one past me. Enjoy it. It's not going to
happen again.
[He exits.]
Julia: And these would be my phones.
Frasier: Yes, yes. I must say that I enjoyed your work on CNBC. I
thought that you were an insightful analyst, and I don't
believe that you were treated fairly.
Julia: [insincerely] Thanks. That makes everything all better.
Roz: [entering with the coffee] Ten seconds.
Julia: [taking the coffee] Thanks. [drinking and coughing] Mmm.
You call this coffee?
Roz: [smiling] Most of it.
Frasier: [laughing uncomfortably] That Roz... Let me put that over there.
[He distances the "coffee" from Julia, and puts on his phones.]
Hello, Seattle. Welcome back! If you've tuned in for mental
health advice with an erudite twist, well then, my show will
be back up at the top of the hour. [During the course of the
following speech, Julia is leaning toward the microphone,
impatiently trying to find a spot to break in.] And now, for
something new, yet germane, as finances can be the cause of
that old bugaboo, stress, here now...
Julia: [cutting in abruptly] Good afternoon, I'm Julia Wilcox.
Today's market swerved like a nervous student driver before
finally winding up in a nice, safe neutral. We'll discuss.
Plus, are pharmaceutical stocks still worth prescribing?
Now this. [She cuts to the promo. Frasier has looked around
incredulously during the course of her speech.]
Frasier: Excuse me. Uh, I was supposed to introduce you.
Julia: You were cutting into my time.
Frasier: Well, I was giving you an hospitable segue. You see, I thought
that since you're new here, I could lend you my equity, if you
will. It was just a courtesy...
Julia: [breaking in again as the promo ends] Some days on the market,
it's black Friday, but today, with the NASDAQ slightly down, and
the Dow slightly up, it was more like "plaid Monday." Analysts
spoke out on both sides...
[In the course of the preceding, Frasier has risen and exited into
the hall.]
Frasier: [to himself, indignantly] Next time, I'll get the coffee.
[He stares into the studio from the hall. Fade out.]
[Scene 2 – Café Nervosa
Roz is seated with a book. Kenny enters.]
Kenny: Hey, Roz. What 'ya reading?
Roz: Julia's book. Listen to this. "Chapter 4: How to Sell Your
House and Start a Dot.com."
[Frasier enters.]
Frasier: Hey guys. Oh, Roz, I can't believe you shelled out three
dollars to revel in someone else's misfortune.
Roz: I was curious.
Frasier: Well, you can get the same thing on tape for a buck-fifty.
[taking a seat] Get this: it's read by Martha Stewart! How's
that for your double whammy?
[They all laugh.]
Roz: We should just get rid of her. I mean, if she were nice, it'd
be one thing, but she's just rude and arrogant.
Kenny: Whoa, whoa, nobody's getting rid of anybody. She just filed
suit against CNBC for wrongful termination. Legal wants us to
treat her with kid gloves.
Frasier: Hmm. Truth be told, I actually feel sorry for her. She has
suffered a very public fall. She must be carrying all kinds
of guilt about the people who lost their savings following
her advice. You know, perhaps I should have a talk with her.
Roz: I wondered how long it would take.
Frasier: What?
Roz: For you to make your move.
Kenny: Hey, I thought there were some sparks between you two.
Frasier: What are you talking about?
Roz: Don't play innocent. She is right up your alley. Smart,
tough, total bitch. You can't wait to break through that
wall and rescue her.
Frasier: Oh, Roz, you couldn't be more off the mark.
Roz: Typical man. You always want to get in there and rescue us,
but the minute things get messy, you just can't handle it.
Kenny: Ha! Women want us to think that they're tough, and then all
of a sudden, they get needy.
Roz: Men are like, "Come on baby, you can lean on me, oops, gotta
go."
Kenny: Yeah, women are like "Get away, get away. Don't leave me!"
Roz: [becoming caught in the heat of the exchange] Here's men:
[she groans disgustingly]
Kenny: Here's women: Me, me, me, me, me...
[He continues the "helpless" squeal, overlapping with Roz's groaning.]
Frasier: All right, stop it, both of you!
[Niles enters.]
Niles: Hello, all.
Frasier: Hello, Niles.
Niles: How's it going?
Frasier: Oh, we're just discussing a new, rather unpleasant colleague of
ours. Be thankful you're self-employed. You don't have to deal
with these headaches.
Niles: Oh, not so. I was hoping to come here and complain about my
office remodel. I'm annexing the dermatologist's office next
door, and in a cheap irony, my skin is breaking out.
Frasier: Your spackle allergy again?
Niles: I'm covered with tiny bumps. It's worse than the summer we
added the breakfast nook to the tree house.
Frasier: Hmmm.
Niles: [to an approaching waiter] Could I have my usual, please?
Thank you.
[Julia has now entered and approaches the counter.]
Roz: There she is! Don't come over, don't come over, don't
come over. [Julia sits at a distant table.] Oh... look who's
too good for us!
Frasier: You know what? I think I will go and offer her an olive branch.
[Roz and Kenny again begin the "low groan" and "helpless squeal."]
Frasier: Oh, stop it. Knock it off.
[Frasier approaches Julia and sits at her table.]
Frasier: Hello, Julia.
Julia: Hello.
Frasier: Listen, I, uh... I'm sorry the two of us got off to a bit of a
frosty start, but, uh, I think that in time we will have a very
long and rewarding relationship.
Julia: [dismissively] Okay.
[She returns to what she was doing, intending to send Frasier a "signal."]
Frasier: May I tell you a story?
[Julia sighs, but feigns interest.]
Frasier: Years ago, I lived in Boston. I was in private practice then
and my life was very good. And then my wife left me. I ended
up on a ledge, threatening to-to throw myself off if she didn't
return to me.
[The waiter brings Julia's coffee. She is only half listening to Frasier.]
Julia: Thank you.
Frasier: Well, this got on the news, of course, and needless to say,
after that, patients were a little hard to come by. So... I
just wanted you to know that I too have suffered a very
public setback.
Julia: [sarcastically] Oh, I get it. You're letting me know I'm not
alone.
Frasier: Exactly.
Julia: [disdainfully] And now we can be friends.
Frasier: [smiling, not picking up her signals] Well, if that's how
you feel.
Julia: Let's see, how do I feel? Well, it's sort of like on your
show when you call people at home to give them advice.
Frasier: [not recognizing the sarcasm] Well, actually, I don't call
them, they call me.
Julia: [bitingly] Exactly!
[She grins evilly at him and goes back to her coffee.]
Frasier: [rising, attempting to preserve some dignity] Well. Good
day, then.
[Fade out.]
[Scene 3 - Frasier's apartment.
Daphne and Martin are seated at the dinner table over breakfast.]
Martin: Why would you let Niles bring all his patients to your home?
Daphne: It's only a couple more weeks until his office is finished.
Martin: Well, I sure wouldn't want to have all those crazies over. I
mean, what if one of them starts screaming obscenities or
running through the house naked.
Daphne: Mum already did that when England lost in the World Cup.
[Frasier and Niles enter and hang up their coats.]
Niles: Hello all.
Martin: Hey.
Daphne: Hello. How was the Wine Expo?
Frasier: Horrible!
Niles: Frasier ran into a fan.
Martin: Ow, that smarts!
Frasier: Yes, Dad. You have been using that same old joke for the last
ten years. So, anyway, I ran into this fan...
Martin: Ouch! Are you okay?
[Frasier glares at him. He pours some wine glasses.]
Frasier: So this woman complimented me on my so-called chemistry with
that harpy Julia. Have you ever heard anything more preposterous?
Good Lord! The woman sneezed once, and I said "Bless you."
That has been the extent of our byplay.
Daphne: You've been complaining about her so much lately. I'm beginning
to wonder if there's not something deeper there.
Frasier: I will not even dignify that with a response. [pausing, handing
Niles a wine glass] Except to say that you couldn't be more
wrong.
Niles: I don't know, Frasier, she's certainly attractive. And she's
intelligent, ambitious, tenacious...
Daphne: Sounds like your perfect woman.
Frasier: She is a cold, insufferable know-it-all!
Daphne: And the list goes on and on.
Frasier: [sitting] All right, that's it. No more talking about Julia.
Daphne: [teasing, approaching Frasier] Ooh, so it's "Julia" now!
[Niles and Martin respond with similar "Ooh's.]
Frasier: It has always been "Julia." That is her name.
Niles: She does seem to have you disproportionately upset. You
haven't been so consumed with one subject since Frasier Crane
Day.
Frasier: Listen, my outrag
