Memorable quotes and quips from Frasier episodes
(Character and Episode references in parentheses.)
(Character and Episode references in parentheses.)
'Golden Acres: We Care So You Don't Have To.' (Niles - 1.1)
A handshake is as good as a hug. (Hester - 1.1)
Oh well, I'm far too successful to feel awkward - where did we meet? (Niles - 1.4)
He may smell like swamp gas but his spelling's improving. (Frasier - 1.15)
All my life I have dreamed of one thing - to walk into a library, look through the card catalog and see my name under mental illness. (Niles - 1.22)
I haven't got time to stand here listening to your insanity - I've got to go steal a get well card from a kidney patient. (Frasier - 2.4)
You have to admit it does get a bit damp around here - for God's sake, the state flower is mildew. (Frasier - 2.6)
No, no, my little worrywort - there's no such thing as a Nutrasweet drip. (Niles - 2.10)
The plumber has been called, the wine has been chilled - suddenly my life makes sense again. (Niles - 2.11)
I may not be able to defend all of my actions, but when you show up to school wearing a tweed blazer and elbow patches, I think the guilt here is 50/50. (Danny Kriezel - 2.11)
Maris is unable to have pets. She distrusts anything that loves her unconditionally. (Niles - 2.12)
Soon, you'll be home with Maris and you can forget you were ever near a beautiful woman. (Frasier - 2.14)
I know she's a bit touchy about her age - even though it's not the first time she's turned 40. (Frasier - 2.17)
I've done some research and, to be frank, I don't think we should worry - one of them flies coach. (Niles - 2.18)
I told her "The plane ride to Wisconsin is 4 hours which is longer than most of my relationships last." (Roz - 2.18)
If I had trouble taking orders from a woman, Frederick would have never been conceived. (Frasier - 3.1)
Oh I'm sorry, was I snippy? I didn't realize it was too much to ask that there not be gunplay in my living room! (Frasier 3.1)
You know the best thing about getting old? Your hair may turn grey, your joints may stiffen, you may even have to walk with a cane, but people still ask you to help them move. (Martin - 3.2)
He's really funny - he's like Jackie Gleason, only loud. (Martin - 3.4)
Seeing as you learned to cook in England, it's a wonder I can tell the difference between your pot roast and a braised tennis ball. (Frasier - 3.5)
Dog saliva - nature's miracle solvent. (Frasier - 3.7)
All our appliances are on an adventure this weekend. (Frasier 3.12)
Turns out Joe can't have sex because of an injury he suffered after a spooked sheep kicked him while he was vacationing in the Falkland Islands during the war. (Frasier - 3.12)
This is boring yet difficult. (Niles - 3.13)
What else would you expect from a woman who thinks her chocolate allergy entitles her to park in a handicapped space. (Frasier - 3.15)
The key here is restraint. And I do hope you'll follow my lead, Becky with the nail gun. (Frasier - 3.17)
Niles and I have decided to donate all your things to charity. We're donating your clothes to the blind. (Frasier - 3.19)
You sound like my father - a man who believes burial is a form of age discrimination. (Frasier - 3.19)
I have no sense of decency - that way my other senses are enhanced. (Bulldog - 4.2)
Hundreds of radio psychiatrists all in the same location - one well timed avalanche and the reputation of the entire psychiatric profession could be restored. (Niles - 4.5)
The only things we Crane boys are skilled at catching are sarcastic nuances and the occasional virus. (Niles - 4.7)
I've decided to make Grammy Moon's famous sheep's head stew. Don't worry, the name's a bit misleading - it's actually more of a soup. (Daphne - 4.8)
I can see you're still waiting on that spine donor. (Frasier - 4.9)
The soprano couldn't hit the high E flat to save her life. So I stormed out, drove home, entered my apartment and when I saw what Dad and Sherry were doing, I hit the note myself! (Niles - 4.11)
I've always liked the notion of meeting the great figures of history. But then I think what if it's like high school and all the really cool dead people don't want to hang out with me. Mozart'll tell me he's busy but then later I'll see him out with Shakespeare and Lincoln. (Niles - 4.12)
I know we're allowed to see other people - my question is: how much of them are we allowed to see? (Niles - 4.13)
Fewer nuts, more money - something I've been aspiring to my entire professional life. (Frasier - 4.19)
Her lips said no, but her eyes said 'Read my lips'! (Niles - 4.19)
Is Seattle experiencing a Prozac shortage!?! (Frasier - 4.20)
Someone certainly has a high opinion of their opinion. (Niles - 4.23)
I'll never forget the look of wonder on her face at touching vinyl for the first time. (Niles - 4.23)
I am not crazy! I am dating a supermodel zoologist, whom I stole away from a professional football player, and she is off to the Galapagos Islands to artificially inseminate iguanas! Now is that so hard to believe? (Frasier - 5.1)
The woman has virtually no pigmentation. Three minutes in the sun and she'd sear like an ahi tuna! (Frasier - 5.6)
Maybe she's had her fill of attractive men and is ready for a change? (Daphne - 5.7)
I know I played the piano for too long in the lodge but who knew General Schwarzkopf would be so crazy for show tunes?! (Fraiser - 5.8)
This lunch is a culinary Hindenburg! (Niles- 5.10)
$14 for a pound of goat's cheese ?! For that price, I ought to be able to get a whole goat! (Martin - 5.17)
Who'd have thought that spying on a man's girlfriend and rifling his underwear drawer could turn so ugly. (Frasier - 5.11)
30 minutes of psychobabble which could be reduced to one phrase - rain, rain, go away! (Frasier - 5.18)
I could eat a muffin a day, even two knowing they were free. That's maybe 10 a week, 52 weeks a year for at least another 40 years which works out to...... 20,000 muffins! My life seems quite long measured in muffins. (Daphne - 5.18)
I'm basically your stuffy, buttoned down sort of guy, you're a free-spirited, adventurous mouse-painting, moon-howling sort of girl. (Frasier - 5.19)
Daphne is cooking dinner for your date with a fictitious woman?! Why not set a place for the March Hare and The Mad Hatter ?! (Frasier - 5.20)
Frasier, I have to ask a small favor - I need you to create a distraction while I have a sex change and move to Europe. (Niles - 5.23)
Nowadays the biggest risk I take is saying to Dad, "Hey let's go out for dinner, you pick the restaurant!" (Frasier - 5.24)
That's what I get for living in a big city. If it's not the horns waking me up, it's someone writing an operetta about the Brownings. (Martin - 6.1)
I have to see this play - I have to have people see me see this play. (Niles - 6.4)
Marie is a stunning woman with a body to die for, and you think all I'm interested in is her mind - how shallow do you think I am? (Frasier - 6.5)
I've been parallel parking all week without power steering. (Niles - 6.7)
If my life gets any worse, I'm phoning hell to ask about their exchange program. (Niles - 6.8)
After the year I've had, I need something to restore my pride, my dignity, my manhood. The Golden Apron could do that. (Niles - 6.8)
You can't arrest me - my wife is in Antwerp having her elbows done! (Niles - 6.8)
With the Crane boys genes and Lilith's contribution, I'm not sure the NFL is holding it's breath. (Frasier - 6.10)
Then Gil and Noel sung a charming duet of "Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better". They were both wrong. (Frasier - 6.13)
Oh I get it - you'll eat 'em, but you won't kill 'em. What do you think these ducks are born a l'orange? (Martin - 6.16)
A third rate caterer with a record, 2 lushes, a couple who think we're nutscases, an Argentinian wild child and Roz. Dinner is served. (Frasier - 6.17)
Why am I talking to a man who has his elbow in the butter? (Frasier - 6.19)
This is a woman who thinks the Spanish Inquisition was just tough love for heretics. (Frasier - 6.20)
She uses the word cute a lot - I'm cute, this cafe's cute, now the bed's cute. Faye used the word "Jejune" last night. (Frasier - 6.21)
If you want to break it off with him, I have stationery and a fax machine. (Niles - 6.22)
Well there's a faux pas averted - I almost wore my big rubber pants today. (Niles - 7.1)
You sign up with visions of a PhD graduate, and what do they deliver? A buck-toothed librarian who needs help washing her mother! (Frasier - 7.2)
I wish you had lent her your Tennessee Williams biography - she wouldn't have kept forgetting his name and referring to him as Indiana Jones. (Niles - 7.4)
Yes, it's an impressive organisation - I've heard that within 24 hours of any global disaster, they can organize a charity ball. (Niles - 7.6)
My kids are getting plastic surgery - what a great age to be at! (Martin - 7.8)
I'm normally so conscientious about back safety. When I needed that large stack of books from down in the store room, I insisted Daphne make 3 trips. (Frasier - 7.10)
Nothing says despair so quickly as the skirl of a bagpipe. (Frasier - 7.13)
She was with the in-crowd. The only people who knew me debated, recited or were on a six month visit from Adu Dhabi. (Frasier - 7.14)
He's perfect for her - he has no apparent spine, and she can wrap him round her little finger. (Frasier - 7.18)
To you Niles, a sketchy neighborhood is when the cheese shop doesn't have valet parking. (Martin - 7.18)
He's a great storyteller. Is it true you wet your pants the first time you saw a Chinese person? (Martin - 7.22)
Your Aunt Ida got a weekend off from the bakery. Judging by the size of her, it'll be the first Saturday they turn a profit. (Roz- 7.22)
Mum claims he was dropped as a child - I think he was thrown. (Daphne - 8.1)
Pigeons - I don't like like pigeons. They have no respect for public art. (Niles - 8.1)
Will you hurry up and ask her - if we move any slower, they'll start harvesting our organs. (Martin - 8.2)
Niles, whatever's wrong the answer doesn't lie at the bottom of an espresso cup. (Frasier - 8.4)
Do you know, I've never worked with producers who haven't wanted to pull the plug before opening night. (Jackson Hedly - 8.11)
He tried wearing an allergy tag, but his neck was too weak to support it. (Frasier - 8.12)
This isn't like driving a car, you know - it takes practice and concentration. (Martin - 8.15)
No more Nurse's Office. I spent many a happy gym class there. (Niles - 8.16)
.... the other Brother Crane, who so graciously conceded after the fourth recount. (Niles - 8.17)
Is it difficult to kickbox without a spine? (Frasier - 8.19)
You thought your CD-ROM drive was a cup holder. (Niles - 8.20)
Fun's been my nickname since Math Camp! (Frasier - 8.22)
I keep the thermostat at a steady 71, but I'm flexible within a degree or two. (Niles - 8.22)
It's like when Frasier took me to Nicholas Nickelby. Thank God this time I had a gun! (Martin - 9.2)
Gee, I wish I had a 3 year old so I can win every argument! (Frasier - 9.2)
You should be celebrating the fact that Dad is having fun, which rarely happens at your parties - or mine! (Niles - 9.5)
I'll show you how to make ginger ale look like 50 year old brandy. (Martin - 9.7)
Every time I look outside, I feel like I'm living inside a clown's pocket. (Frasier - 9.12)
Time to cleanse my palette - I'm gonna get a beer. (Martin - 9.14)
I will not be strong armed by threats against my laundry! (Frasier - 9.19)
Am I dressed appropriately for something called Bananarama? (Niles - 9.21)
The scariest words of my childhood were: "Your father needs your help in the basement." (Niles - 9.21)
Get a man a beer, he drinks for five minutes - show him where they are, he drinks all day. (Mr. Moon - 9.23)
Henri, you can't ban me from your bistro - it's my chez away from chez. (Frasier - 9.23)
The towels were so fluffy, I could barely close my suitcase! (Mr. Moon - 9.23)
You certainly don't see six and half carat gold every day. (Niles - 10.1)
Apparently it's some kind of dolphin emergency. (Niles - 10.1)
Is that Donny? Everyone look at their shoes! (Frasier - 10.1)
He starts pushing buttons like a lab rat on amphetamines! (Frasier - 10.2)
He made it very clear it's going to be a reading sanctuary - a library implies sharing. (Martin - 10.2)
That's why I'm going to Vietnam - Americans have never heard of it! (Jen - 10.4)
There's still a lot of candy left in this pinata! (Roz - 10.4)
If this is what you two call a fight, you're not fit to be married! (Mrs. Moon - 10.5)
Bulldog's good at jokes and fun, you're good at reading and telling people about what you've read. (Martin - 10.5)
I've been trying to console myself with the fact that without embarrassing parents there'd be no psychology. (Frasier - 10.6)
It's worse than the summer we added the breakfast nook to the treehouse. (Niles - 10.12)
We are hardly colleagues - I deliver the news and you are a Magic 8 ball with a Harvard degree. (Julia - 10.12)
Sounds to me like you've hit the crackpot! (Niles - 10.17)
I'm not trying to make him happy - I am trying to cure his depression! (Frasier - 10.17)
Did you hear that? A suede jacket - I must have missed that lecture at Harvard Medical School. (Frasier - 10.17)
Great! An entire science devoted to Hitler and Sybil. (Frasier - 10.17)
I haven't been so afraid of 9th graders since, well, 3rd grade. (Niles - 10.19)
In elementary school, I made an ashtray for Dad. It caught fire. (Frasier - 10.19)
They've found a way to bring the charm of an airport to a midtown location. (Niles - 10.20)
Last name Crane, first name Ichabod. (St. Osric's Pre-kindergartener Academy and Day Care Center Admissions Officer - 10.22)
Don't worry, I would never have a gun in the same house as your mother. (Niles - 10.23)
Dad, the odds of me knowing the score to the Mariners game is about the same as you knowing the score to Pacific Overtures. (Frasier - 11.2)
Leave it to the Germans - even their appliances crave power. (Martin - 11.2)
You were 15 before you realized there was a correlation between getting beaten up every day and going to school wearing a panama hat. (Frasier - 11.4)
That's what our son would look like if I were a goat. (Daphne - 11.13)
Who else is going to teach him to catch a football-ball? (Niles - 1.16)
'Mature' means old, 'athletic' means flat chested and 'not model thin' means circus fat. (Roz - 11.18)
There's one area where no one has ever bested me - homework! (Frasier - 11.20)
Oh, please, if I paid attention to signs with little pictures on them I'd never get a parking space. (Bebe - 5.12)
Commit to commitment! (Niles - 11.2)
"Please remain in the relaxation grotto." Have crueler words ever been spoken? (Frasier - 10.11)
When you talk about wine, I wish I had a gun. (Dr. Honey Snow - 2.15)
Whenever you see a man who's well groomed, you can bet he's not getting any. (Niles 3.16)
Your lips say 'yes'; but your cuticles speak volumes. (Niles 3.16)
Oh Niles, get a grip! You're not being asked to do anything that none of us hasn't done before in our own kitchens in our own homes. Now quick, Niles, kill five eels. (Frasier 2.23)
Oh Niles, get a grip! You're not being asked to do anything that none of us hasn't done before in our own kitchens in our own homes. Now quick, Niles, kill five eels. (Frasier 2.23)
Nothing says "party" like a tracheotomy! (Frasier 6.18)
Why should two people be happy when four people can be ecstatic? (Niles 6.16)
Why should two people be happy when four people can be ecstatic? (Niles 6.16)