The Botched Language Of Cranes Written by Joe Keenan
Directed by
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Production Code: 2.6.
Episode Number In Production Order:
Filmed on:
Original Airdate on NBC:
Transcript written on 23rd July 2000
Transcript {nick hartley}
[Act One]
[Scene One - Radio Station.
Roz is working in her booth as Frasier enters. He is soaked to the
skin by the heavy rain and his umbrella is blown out of shape]
Frasier: Look at this! My so called "wind proof" umbrella.
[He struggles to close the umbrella but, failing, throws it away on
the floor in the corridor]
Frasier: I might as well use one of those little paper ones they put
in Polynesian drinks!
Roz: I've got a big collection of those; they remind me of
wonderful evenings that I can't remember. You know, I've got
some requests here for some personal appearances. City
College wants you to lecture.
Frasier: Fine, just tell me the date.
Roz: Okay. St. Bartholomews Hospital wants you to MC their annual
benefit.
Frasier: Pass.
Roz: What, you're turning down a hospital?
Frasier: Yes.
[Roz scowls at him]
Frasier: [without even looking at Roz] Don't look at me that way.
Roz: Hey, I'm with you, I hate the way those whiney sick people
are always nagging you for things. "I want a magazine", "I
want a kidney"!!
Frasier: Roz, I have as much sympathy for sick people as you do which
is why I said yes when they asked me to appear last year. I
bought an armani tuxedo, spent a week working on my speech,
postponed a trip to go see Frederick, then on the morning of
the dinner they called me, told me they didn't need me
because their first choice had become available; The
irrepressable Kathie Lee Gifford!!
[Frasier and Roz enter the other booth]
Roz: God, way to hold a grudge!
Frasier: This is not about spite. This is about dignity. Dignity is a
rare and fragile thing. Any other requests?
Roz: Yeah, the teenage Seattle pageant wants you to be a judge.
Frasier: Oh, I'll do that.
Roz: [looks at him] That's real dignified!
Frasier: A scholarship is involved!
Roz: Right, you're on in ten seconds. We have new sponsers and
the sales department wants you to work this copy in as often
as you can.
[Roz hands him a sheet of paper as she enters her booth and cues him]
Frasier: Good Afternoon, Seattle. This is Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL
780. Well, it's another gray, depressing day here in the
Emerald City. Here's hoping we can brighten up your
afternoon. We hold it our personal duty to banish your rainy
day blues. But first a message from our sponsers. [reads
paper] "Death is inevitable". [Frasier and Roz glance at
each other with this morbid news] "But it's especially
painful when it claims a beloved family pet. If you've lost,
or are planning to lose, a cherished dog, cat or bird. Let
'Pet Paradise' console you with a tasteful plexiglass
memorial bearing the likeness of your departed friend. 'Pet
Paradise' - though your pet may be small, your loss is
great". [puts down sheet] Who's our first caller, Roz?
Roz: We have Edna on line two, she's a receptionist at a pest
control company and she's feeling depressed.
Frasier: Hello, Edna, I'm listening.
Edna: [v.o] Hello, Dr. Crane. I've been working at pest control
for fifteen years. I go in every day, answer the same calls,
ask the same questions; "What kind of bugs are they?", "Have
you seen any droppings?". Then I go to the next person;
"What kind of bugs are they?", "Have you seen any
droppings?".
Frasier: Edna, I'm a psychiatrist, I can sense where this is going.
Now, even the most interesting of lives can become routine.
What you need to do is shake up your world, find a new
boyfriend, a new job, a new city even.
Edna: [v.o] You mean move?
Frasier: Certainaly there are far easier places to cheer up than this
dreary, soggy old city of ours.
Edna: [v.o] You know something, Dr. Crane, you're right. I don't
have to stay here. When you think about it, there's a whole
world of vermon out there!
Frasier: Very eloquently put, Edna. Thank you for your call.
[Frasier presses a button as Roz motions him to the ad]
Frasier: Speaking of vermon. [reads] "When that special rat of yours
turns his little toes up for the last time, don't forget
your friends at 'Pet Paradise'. 'Pet Paradise' - when a shoe
box isn't enough".
[Frasier rolls his eyes]
It Will Be The World's
First Four Legged Leprechaun
[Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment.
The following morning, Martin is sat reading the paper with his
breakfast as Frasier enters from his bedroom in a dressing gown. The
weather outside suggests why the city was called SEAttle!]
Frasier: Another radiant morning! Morning, dad. Do I drive to work
today or just hail a passing gondola?!
Martin: I like the rain, it chases those squeegy guys off the
street.
[Frasier exits to the kitchen]
[Daphne enters from the front door in her raincoat. She has Eddie who
is appropriately dressed in a bright yellow dog mackintosh]
Daphne: Now stay put until I can dry off your feet.
[Frasier re-enters to see Eddie jump up onto the suede couch to rub
his feet dry]
Frasier: There, that ought to do it!
Martin: Oh, Daphne, get that hat off him. Isn't it bad enough we had
him nutered?!
Daphne: Look, by the way things are going, I don't think I'm going
to have children. Just let me dress up the dog!
Martin: I've never seen a dog look at that stupid.
Daphne: You'll change your tune when you see the outfit I got him
for St. Patrick's day!
Martin: [reading paper] Hey, get a load of this. Derek Mann
mentioned you in his column. "I've been listening to Frasier
Crane this week because I've been trying to drop a few
pounds a find his voice makes an effective appertite
suppresent!"
Frasier: [dry] How witty!
Martin: [serious] I thought so too. [laughs]
Frasier: Give me that! [takes paper] "Yesterday, I heard him advise
an unhappy young woman that she could magically cure her
depression simply by leaving Seattle. I know it would cure
my depression if the Seattle-hating Dr. Crane would take his
own advice and leave town as soon as possible!" [folds
paper] It's just ludicrous, I never said any such thing!
Daphne: Oh, yes, you did. I heard you. You said Seattle was dreary
and if she wanted to spruce up her life, she should leave
town.
Frasier: Well, that was just one of several suggestions I made. He
took that completely out of context.
Martin: Well, whatever you said, you're gonna apologise, right?
Frasier: What for?
Martin: For insulting Seattle! People round here take a lot of pride
in this town, they don't appreciate some radio know-it-all
telling them it's rainy and depressing.
Frasier: In case you haven't noticed, dad, it does get a little damp
around here! For God's sake, the state flower is Mildew!
Martin: Let me tell you something; A city's like a woman. You get
one mad at you, it doesn't matter if you're completely and
she's completely wrong, you'll apologise anyway, or you'll
be paying for it for the rest of your life!
Daphne: I'm not sure I care for that analogy.
[Daphne stands and heads to her room]
Martin: Oh, gee, I'm sorry, Daphne, I was way out of line.
Daphne: [smiles] All right, you're forgiven.
[Daphne exits to her room as Martin gives Frasier a "You See" look]
Frasier: You know, dad. To you, everything is like a woman. A fast
car is like a woman, a romantic song is like a woman, good
meatloaf is like a woman. Well, a city is not like a woman,
it's like a city and I am not apologising to this one, even
if you won't understand that - Seattle does! And Seattle
loves Frasier Crane!
[Frasier goes to the window and looks out over the city only to have
thunder and lightning as his response before he exits to his room]
[Scene Three - Radio Station.
Father Mike is using the vending machine as Frasier enters with
another blown out umbrella. He again fails to shut it and throws it
into another booth]
Frasier: Hello, Father Mike.
Mike: Hello, Frasier.
[Frasier enters the booth to find Roz on the telephone]
Roz: Look, Dr. Crane was not bashing Seattle, he was sincerely
trying to help that woman! Whose our sponser? "Pet
Paradise". Well fine, go ahead and boycott them - see how
easy it is to flush your dead German Shepherd down the
toilet! [hangs up]
Frasier: Don't tell me, was that a complaint about this rain
business?
Roz: Yes and thanks to you I've been on the phone all morning.
Frasier: Oh, well, forgive me. From now on I'll stick to subjects
like suicide and birth control, stay away from the
controversial stuff like weather!
[The phone rings to which Roz answers. As she listens to the caller,
Bulldog enters]
Bulldog: Hey, Doc. I need some advice. I feel a cold coming on and
I'm wondering should I take vitamin C or should I just leave
Seattle?! [laughs]
Frasier: [hangs up] I hope you're happy, according to Betsy, the
switchboard has logged over fifty irate calls!
Bulldog: Fifty?! Damn, you topped my record! The most I ever got was
thirty five when I said that commentary, "Lady Umpires -
Finally a Chest Worth Protecting"!
[Bulldog exits]
Roz: You know, Frasier, you really should think about
apologising.
Frasier: You know, I'd be the first to apologise if I said anything
wrong but I didn't.
Roz: I've got half a dozen calls stacked up in there, and they
all said you did.
Frasier: Yes, well, just take messages from all those people - I
don't want to talk to them.
Roz: You know, I don't know how to break this to you... But it's
a call in show!
[Roz exits to her booth]
[Scene Four - Radio Station.
Time has lapsed. Frasier is listening to an irate caller - it seems
Roz and Frasier have ordered Chinese take out]
Caller: I don't know how you can say Seattle is a depressing place.
I spent the last forty years in this city working the
graveyard shift at a cementary! And let me tell you
something, you fat headed moron. I am probably the most
cheerful person you'll ever meet! [hangs up]
Frasier: You're certainaly the most cheerful I've met today! [Roz
mimes him to smile] Alas, we're out of time. I'd like to
just say, as I've been saying for the last three hours, it
was not my intent to cause anyone offense but since it seems
obvious that I have, I would like to say this; I apologise.
[Roz is happy] I do not find Seattle a depressing place to
live, it would take more than clouds to obscure the beauty
of her landscape and more than drizzle to dampen the warmth
and good fellowship that makes Seattle the only place in
this bad old world that I care to call home. Till Monday
then, this is Dr. Frasier Crane, signing off. [presses
button, drops facade] Good grief! Never in my life have I
heard from such a bunch of whiney, provincial cry babies. I
swear to God, this entire city has lost it's tiny rain
addled mind!
[Roz notices the "on air" light and rushes frantically to the
microphone]
Roz: Dr. Crane, we're still on the air.
Frasier: Thank you, Roz. [presses a button]
Roz: [evil] Now we're off!
Let A Smile Be Your Umbrella
[Scene Five - Frasier's Apartment.
Daphne and Martin are watching as Niles fumbles around with a new
television set]
Niles: This goes here and that attaches there!
Daphne: Dr. Crane, are you sure you don't want me to try my hand
there.
Niles: No, no, Daphne, this is no job for you. You might crack a
nail or snag a cuticle. There, are we getting anything?
[The TV is obviously still not working]
Martin: Does annoyed count?
Daphne: Oh, hush. If you hadn't bashed it with your cane because your
precious Sea Hawks lost, we wouldn't need a new set now,
would we? Isn't there a manual?
Niles: Yes but unfortunately Stephen Hawkings is not here to explain
it to us!
[Frasier enters once again with a deranged umbrella. This time he
doesn't even bother trying to make sense of it and throws it out into
the hallway]
Martin: God, I thought the winds had eased up out there!
Frasier: They have.
Daphne: Then what happened to your umbrella?
Frasier: One of my listeners recognised me on a street, he pulled it
backwards through a chain link fence! You would not believe
the hostility I've encountered. Even at the Café Nervosa, my
sanctuary, I thought they were trying out the new cappuchino
maker - I turned and saw three tables hissing at me!
[The phone sounds]
Martin: Don't answer that, Daphne.
Daphne: I can't abide the sound of a ringing phone]
[The phone sounds]
Martin: It's just going to be another crank complaning about
Frasier, they've been calling here all day!
Frasier: Oh, no, they've got my home number now?!
[The phone sounds]
Daphne: Yes, but, just because the phone rings doesn't mean we have
to answer it.
[The phone sounds]
Daphne: Even though it could be Frederick calling to say he loves you
or Grammy Moon calling to say her hip's gone out again.
[The phone sounds]
Daphne: Still, we can't be swayed to a little ringng bell. Just
because it's going ring... ring... ring.
[The phone sounds]
Daphne: Or in the case of a British telephone; Ring-ring... ring-
ring... ring-ring... ring-ring... ring-ring....
[The phone sounds]
Frasier: Just answer it for God's sake!
Daphne: Thank you!
[Daphne picks up the receiver]
Daphne: Crane residence. Oh, no, I'm afraid he can't come to the
phone, may I take a message? [pause] Oh, nice language that!
I hope you don't eat with that mouth!
Niles: Daphne, Daphne, excuse me. [takes receiver and speaks into
phone] Now see here, how dare you speak to a lady that way.
[pause] Yes, well, that's no excuse, mam! Well, only a coward
makes threats over the phone, I dare you to come here and say
that to my face. [fake laugh] Never you mind where I live!
[hangs up]
[Suddenly there's loud knocking on the door]
Frasier: Is anyone expecting visitors? Well, I suggest we all remain
very very quiet.
[There's another knock which is responded by Eddie's frantic barking.
The rest stare at him]
Niles: I suddenly have this image of angry villagers wielding torches
and pitch forks.
Roz: [o.s] Frasier, open up, it's Roz!
Niles: Oh dear, it's worse than I thought!
[Frasier opens the door to Roz]
Frasier: Roz, what are you doing out on this un-godly night?
Roz: I tried calling but your line is busy.
Martin: Hey, Roz.
Roz: Hey, Martin. How are you doing?
Martin: Great.
Roz: Is that a new TV?
Martin: Yeah.
Roz: It looks great. Did you get it hooked up yet?
Martin: No, I decided I'd let Niles take a crack at it first!
[Roz and Martin laugh]
Roz: Martin you're awful. [laughs] Frasier, after you left, the
station manager stopped by. He's taking a lot of heat from
the sponsers and he says if you cannot smooth this over, he
may have to suspend you.
Frasier: Suspend me? Well, what's he going to put in my timeslot?
Roz: He'd have to run "The Best Of Crane".
Martin: What will he do on the second day?
[The gang laugh bar Frasier]
Frasier: I don't know how I'm ever going to smooth this over. The
entire city is out to lynch me.
Roz: Tell me about it. This guy I know at the gym cancelled on me
when he found out I worked for you. You've been alienating
my boyfriends!
Frasier: Oh, well, we can't afford to lose a demographic as large as
that!
Roz: Look, what we need here is a little damage control, now it's
still not too late to call the people at St. Bart's hospital
and tell them you'll speak at their fundraiser.
Frasier: After the way they treated me last year?
Roz: It's a big event, there'll be lots of media there, this is a
perfect chance for you to redeem yourself.
Martin: Listen to Roz.
Frasier: Oh, dad, just stay out of this!
Martin: [all ready in it] Why if you take my advice...
Frasier: I did take your advice, I apologised.
Martin: Oh, so sincerely!
Roz: What is the big deal, you'll make a few jokes, a few self
deprecating remarks, you'll be helping sick people and
showing everyone you know how to laugh at yourself.
Niles: I think it's a brilliant suggestion.
Roz: My God, Niles, did you just compliment me?
Niles: Indeed I did. You're very savvy, Roz. You remind me of one
of those cleverly amoral PR flats who sell their services to
industries that pollute!
Frasier: You really think it's a good idea, Niles?
Niles: Well, worked for Nancy Reagan. After her first year in the
whitehouse she was widely criticised for her lavish
spending. She responding by appearing at a satirical dinner
wearing cheap store clothes and performing second hand rose.
Daphne: And that made people like her again?
Niles: Yes... briefly.
Frasier: Oh, what the hell. Tell 'em I'll MC. You know, better yet,
tell them I'll take a whole table at the banquet.
Roz: I already did. [hands tickets] You owe those nuns eight
hundred bucks.
Frasier: Eight hundred...?
Roz: Don't mess with them!
Frasier: I've put myself in such a precarious position, I've got to
choose my material very carefully.
Niles: Ooh, I know some good jokes.
Frasier: No, Niles, you don't!
Roz: If it's jokes you need, feel free to use some of mine.
Frasier: [laughs] I'm sure the nuns would just love that. Why don't I
call Bulldog and ask him for a couple of limericks from his
Nantucket series?! I'll just call Father Mike, I'm sure he
knows a couple of inoffensive jokes.
[Frasier goes to the phone to pick it up, however before he can it
rings]
Frasier: [into phone] Hello. Yes, well, you know, I don't care how
you feel! I want to use the phone right now! [hangs up]
Daphne, your grandmother's hip was out again.
[Daphne stands up in worry as Frasier calms her explaining he was
just joking. Daphne isn't amused]
[End of Act One]
[Act Two]
Man Overboard
[Scene One - St. Bart's Annual Benefit Banquet Hall.
Everyone is sat around tables in the hall. Frasier is sat near the
podeum with a nun, Sister Jocelia, from the hospital. Martin, Roz,
Niles and Daphne are sat around a table.]
Jocelia: I do hope you'll have some humurous stories for us. Though,
of course, nothing too racey or risqué.
Frasier: Oh, no, no, of course not, I wouldn't dream of it.
Jocelia: Good. Last year, Kathie Lee Gifford told the most
unfortunate story involving newly weds and a ski lift!
[Frasier looks guilty and quickly pulls out his speech and makes some
serious alterations. Meanwhile, Father Mike joins the rest of the
gang]
Mike: Hello, all. Thank you for coming out for such a good cause.
Martin: Hey, I'd support this cause anytime. St. Bart's is where I
had my hip surgery, they treated me good.
Mike: Oh, I just saw Frasier, I must say, he seems a bit nervous.
Roz: Well, he ought to be, there's a lot riding on his performance
tonight.
Daphne: Well, thank goodness he's got that sweet old nun there to
comfort him.
Martin: [looks over] She's not so sweet! That's Sister Jocelia, the
scrubbing nun! Better known as "The Terror of Ward Three"!
Daphne: Do you remember her?
Martin: Hey, you know that nightmare where I wake up screaming, "Not
the sponge! Not the sponge!"?!
Roz: You know when I was a girl, I considered being a nun.
Mike: Really, what changed your mind?
[The rest look at each other, worried that she might offend]
Roz: [grasping] I didn't want to work weekends!
Martin: Hey, where did Maris go?
Mike: Well, I believe Mrs. Crane is over there. [points her out]
Niles: Where? [notices] Oh, bless her busy little heart, she's
cornered Lydia Bomont, head of the museum board. Maris has
been angeling to get on that board for years.
Martin: It looks like Lydia's getting away.
Niles: Oh, yes, the old freshen the drink ploy. Poor old Lydia has
no idea with whom she's dealing. That's right, Maris, chug
that sherry, on with the chase! There she goes, she's
gaining, she's gaining, she's coming round the ice sculpture;
It's Mrs. Bomont and Maris, Mrs. Bomont and Maris, and......
Yes! They meet again!
[The gang suddenly start applauding them]
Niles: I fully expect they'll be board mates before they clear away
the desserts.
[Frasier comes down to them]
Daphne: Oh, Dr. Crane, we were just saying how handsome and
confident you were looking.
Frasier: Really?
Niles: Absolutely! [hands over a handkerchief] Forhead.
[Frasier his nervous sweat away]
Mike: Did you memorise those jokes I gave you?
Frasier: Yes, yes, they're the reason I look so handsome and
confident.
Roz: Shouldn't they have started this thing by now?
Frasier: Oh, well, we're waiting for Bishop Cologie, he's supposed to
be introduce me.
Mike: I'm sure he'll be here any minute. Break a leg, Frasier.
Martin: Now, listen, I've done a few bone magres in my time - the
thing to remember is keep smiling and look like you're
having a good time.
Frasier: Right.
Martin: And if a joke bombs, don't pay any attention to it. Do what
Johnny Carson used to do - just make a joke about how bad it
is. [impression] Hmmm? Bomb-o!
[Martin and Roz start chuckling]
Roz: Your dad's right, Frasier, just go up there and be
confident.
Frasier: Yes, well, I'll do that just as soon as I find a men's room.
Niles: Oh, you'll be fine, you've just got a few butterflies in
your stomach.
Frasier: Not for long, I don't, I'll be right back.
[Frasier exits to the toilet as Mike goes to the podeum]
Mike: Good evening, I'm Father Mike Van Cuso and I've just been asked
to make a very sad announcement. As you now, every year, our
guest speaker has been introduced by Bishop Cologie, our
chairman, and host of the popular Sunday morning cable TV show,
"Pancakes and Parables". However, we've just been informed that
the Bishop has suffered a terrible accident. [audience gasp] It
seems that he was out fishing this afternoon when his boat was
hit by a storm and capsized. At the moment he remains missing.
However, I will keep you abreast of any further developments.
[Niles is holding a clump of Daphne's hair and sniffing at it]
Niles: Why does everything happen to Frasier?
[Daphne looks over her shoulder as Niles lets the hair go]
Mike: But phased as you all, we know how much this evening means to
the Bishop and how he delights in entertaining us each year
with his biblical hand shadows. We also know that he would be
the first to insist that we procede without him. So, I'm going
to step in and introduce this year's speaker. Won't you extend
a cordial, gracious welcome to my friend and colleague, Dr.
Frasier Crane. [Dr. Crane is nowhere to be seen] Dr. Crane? Dr.
Crane? [Frasier enters from the bathroom completely oblivious
to Father Mike's speech] Ah.
[Frasier takes the podeum]
Frasier: Thank you, Father Mike. Thank you very much. I can't tell
you what a honour it is to be here this evening. I expected
the Bishop to introduce me but I'm sure he'll drift in
eventually.
[The audience are shocked by this use of words]
Frasier: You know, it's a real comfort to see so many priests out
there in the audience. These days I don't dare speak in
public without someone standing by who can perform "The Last
Rights". [audience are appaled] Woh! Very religious crowd, I
see. I can tell because of the vow of silence! [to a priest]
I hope you've got some holy water standing by there, father,
I'm dying here. And speaking of water! That reminds me of a
little story. A Rabbi, a Minister and a Priest, are all
sitting at the bar on the Titanic.
Jocelia: Dr. Crane. The Bishop!
Frasier: Oh, well, I heard the story with a priest but what, the
heck, a bishop's even funnier. Thank you, sister. Okay,
then, a Rabbi, a Miniser and a Bishop are all sitting at the
bar when the percer rushes in to give them the horrible
news.
Roz: [stands in a plea] Frasier, the Bishop is lost at sea!
Frasier: Hey, look, are you telling this story or am I?!
Roz: Frasier...
Frasier: Come on, lady, I work alone, all right, hey, thank you.
[Roz gives up and sits down cradeling her head in her hands]
Frasier: All right, anyway, so the percer rushes in to give them the
horrible news about the boat. So, the Rabbi gets up and
says, "My God, my people will need me." The Minister's about
to leave when the Priest said... Oops, oh, sorry... The
Bishop says "Sit down, relax, have another drink. I'm sure
that the Rabbi can handle it. And the Minister says, "My God
man! How can you abandon your flock when we've just hit an
iceberg". And the Bishop says, "An Iceberg?! I thought he
said we hit a Weissberg!".
[Everyone is completeley detested and just stares at Frasier]
Frasier: Hello? [taps microphone] Is this thing on? [immitating
Johnny Carson] Woh! Bomb-o!
[End of Act Two]
Credits:
[The banquet hall is now empty as Sister Jocelia watches over Frasier
writing a check. Frasier shows her the amount to which she just
stares at him with a frank expression of it's small value. Frasier
writes a larger one, however she is still not pleased. So he just
gives up and hands over the whole check book and pen to the Sister
who walks off in pride having won the battle]
Legal Stuff
This episode capsule is copyright 2000 by Nick Hartley.
This episode summary remains property of Frasier, Copyright
of Paramount Productions and NBC. Printed without permission.
