The Matchmaker Written by Joe Keenan
Directed by David Lee
=====================================================================
Production Code: 2.3.
Original Airdate on NBC: 4th October 1994
Transcript written on 18th February 1999.
Premise
When Daphne's love life is in a rut, Frasier acts as a matchmaker
and brings his new boss, Tom, to his apartment to try and put him
with Daphne. There's just one catch Frasier doesn't realise; Tom's
gay and is lusting after Frasier.
Reviews
Matthew Barr:
Keenan's first outing (no pun intended) sets the record straight (no
pun intended) that Frasier's second season can hold up to the first.
After some lacklustre episodes, this episode begins Keenan's
tradition of farce that will continue to 'The Two Mrs. Cranes' and
'The Ski Lodge'. Very well acted, with some great lines ('The Perils
of Refinement', 'If I could pick any man for Daphne, he's the one
I'd pick etc.), the only slow parts were the beginning which could
have had more of an impact. Still, watch this episode for a gay old
time!
Grade: B+
Quotes and Scene Summary {nicholas hartley}
Act One. Everyone is fast asleep in the Crane household. However,
the alarm soon goes off and Martin and Frasier come running out in
distress.
Frasier: Oh my God! Fire!
Martin: Eddie! Eddie! Where are you boy?
Frasier: Dad wake up! Dad are you in there?
Martin: Eddie! Here Eddie! Come one!
Frasier: Dad, where are you? Where is the fire?
Martin: Have you seen Eddie?
Frasier: What's burning? Where's the fire?
Daphne: [walking on in nightie:] It's alright, it's alright. False
alarm. The one above me bed went off.
Frasier: Oh God!
Daphne: Oh and don't worry about Eddie he's back in my room. The
noise the bloddy thing makes, it would be less upsetting
just to wake up on fire!
Martin: What the hell triggered it?
Daphne: Who knows! I was dozing quite peacefully when it started
screaming away for no reason at all!
Eddie jumps onto the chair with a packet of cigarettes in his mouth.
Frasier picks them up.
Frasier: I see, what have we here. Eddie, you've been smoking in
Daphne's bedroom, bad dog!
Daphne: Oh, I know, you have a no-smoking rule, I'm sorry. But every
now and again I feel a bit tense, I find a ciggy can be very
soothing.
Martin: Oh yeah it's real smoothing. It only should be an hour
before my heart stops friberlating. [exits]
Frasier: [reading clock] Oh, it figures, 3 AM. Course, this would
happen the night before I have an early morning meeting!
Daphne, aren't you going back to bed?
Daphne: No! I'll just sit up for a bit, I'm feeling a bit blue.
Frasier: Anything you'd like to talk about?
Daphne: No, you need your sleep, it's nothing important. Just this
feeling that my life's a gaping sink hole and I'm just
marking time whilst the flower of my youth rots on the vine.
Frasier: Well so long as your sure. [exits]
Daphne: Ohhh!
Frasier: [entering] I really wish you'd tell me about it!
Daphne: Well, if you must know, it's my love life.
Frasier: Really? You've been seeing a man?
Daphne: Only when I close my eyes and concentrate.
Frasier: I see you're going through a bit of a drought, eh?
Daphne: No wonder, the rare times I do go out, it's usually with
your father. People see us and assume I'm his daughter of
else his girlfriend. Either way, it's like having my own
personal can of stud repelant.
Frasier: Yes well, I know how bleak these times can be, but believe
me they will come to an end sometime or later. I remember a
time back in Boston, I was going through exactly what you're
going through now. Just a week later I met a lovely barmaid,
sophisticated if a bit loquacious. We fell madly in love and
we got engaged, couse she left me standing at the alter. The
point is I didn't give up. I took my poor battered heart and
handed it to Lilith. [Daphne begins to smoke] Then in her
little Queisinart, she hit the puree button. I rebounded,
and look how far I've got! I'm divorced, lonely, living with
my father. [Frasier takes a cigarette and lights one for
himself]
The next day, In Cafe Nervosa, Roz meets Frasier after he missed he
meeting.
Roz: I figured I'd find you here! You know you missed your
meeting with the new station manager.
Frasier: Oh no, I completely forgot.
Roz: God, you look like you've been ridden hard and put away wet.
Frasier: I was up till all hours of the night with Daphne competing
to see which one of us had the most pathetic love life. On
the bright side, I won.
Roz: Well, I know what your problems are. What are Daphne's?
Frasier: Daphne, she's just having trouble finding men.
Roz: Say no more! [takes out her date book]
Frasier: No, Roz, Roz, it's really not necessary. You do not have to
donate one of your boyfriends to Daphne.
Roz: Gee, I'd be happy to.
Frasier: But still one hates to break up a collection.
Niles: [sitting down with coffees:] There we go. Double Expresso.
My Latte. Do those chocolate shavings look any different to
you?
Frasier: No.
Niles: Well they do to me. I think they've switched to an inferior
domestic brand. [takes a sip] Hmmmm. Waxy!
Roz: Sven Bogman, he's an areobics instructor.
Niles: I don't think so.
Roz: Oh, this one's perfect, Gunther Detrick. He's loads of fun
and he's a runway model.
Frasier: A German Nazist? Now there's an appealing combination.
Roz: OK,OK, I'll keep looking.
Niles: Looking for what?
Roz: I'm helping Frasier find a man for Daphne.
Niles: [sticks out his chest] What?
Roz: Here we go, he's a test instructor, and he's name is Rick.
Niles: Dear God, Frasier, Sven, Gunther, Rick. Why not just lather
Daphne up with baby oil and hurl her over the wall of a
prison yard!
Roz: Excuse me but I've dated all these guys.
Niles: Well, where do you think I came up with the imagery?
Roz: Listen, you little titmouse..
Frasier: Alright Niles, you are completely out of line here. And Roz,
he does have a point. You and Daphne are entirely different
kinds of women. Whilst Daphne is very shy and inexperienced,
you are more.. well.. a lot more.. well actually it's hard
to find anyone who's more..
Roz: Oh I get it! Not one man I've ever dated is good enough for
Miss. Daphne. Is that what you're trying to say?
Frasier: No, that's what I'm trying not to say! You're not making it
very easy.
Roz: Oh, I outta here.
Frasier: Oh, Roz, please wait.
Roz: I can't stay, the fleet is in.
Frasier is at KACL and they are on air. However, there is a very
piercing tone sounding. Frasier resumes when it finishes.
Frasier: And this concludes our test of the emergency broadcast
system. Had this been a real emergency, your radio would be
melting in your hands. We'll be right back after these
messages. [off air, then Roz walks in]
Roz: In the future please keep your disgusting half-eaten food
off my console. Infact, just stay out of my sight!
Frasier: You're still mad at me, I can tell.
Roz: Oh there's that keen sensitivity that keeps you in such
demand for the ladies. [he follows her into her booth]
Frasier: Look Roz, I'm sorry if I insulted you early, but the truth
is I feel very protective about Daphne. The kind of man I'm
looking for has to be good looking, smart, successful..
Tom: [entering Frasier's booth:] Excuse me.
Frasier: Yes?
Tom: I'm Tom Duran, the new station manager.
Frasier: Oh! Tom, hey, it's a pleasure to meet you. I'm so sorry
about missing the meeting this morning, I slept right
through it.
Tom: Oh yeah me too, and I was there. Say that's a beautiful tie.
Frasier: Oh, Thank you, yes I got this one in London at one of those
costume shops just of off Slone Square.
Tom: You know I just came from London. I spent the last five
years working for the BBC.
Frasier: Really? I love London, the museums, the theatre..
Tom: Oh yeah, I'm a big theatre buff, three times a week. I hated
leaving.
Frasier: I can imagine, why did you?
Tom: Well I just kinda went through a messy break up, I thought
I'd sleep better with a continent between us.
Frasier: Yes, I know the feeling! So, I take it then you're
unattached.
Tom: Yes, but I haven't given up hope.
Frasier: Well, you may have come to the right place.
Tom: Really?
Frasier: Yes, you say you're very fond of the English?
Tom: Oh yes very much. You know I think I've always had a
weekness for people who are just a little eccentric.
Frasier: Really?
Roz: 15 seconds!
Tom: Well it was nice meeting you.
Frasier: Likewise, eh say Tom, this may sound like short notice but
if you're not busy Saturday why don't you come round my
place for dinner. Nothing fancy.
Tom: Well thanks, I'd like that.
Frasier: Great! [Tom leaves and enters Roz's booth. On air:] Hello
Seattle, we're back. Roz, who do we have up next?
Roz: We have James from Tacoma on line one.
Frasier: Hello, James, I'm listning.
Tom Duran enters Roz's booth and they begin chatting about his fair
Frasier.
Tom: Hi Roz.
Roz: Hi Tom.
Tom: Well you know, it's the same with every job I take. The word
flies like wild fire.
Roz: What's that?
Tom: Oh, you know, you tell one or two people that you're gay and
before you can blink it's all over the station.
Roz: Well, they don't call it broadcasting for nothing.
Tom: He seems like a nice guy.
Roz: Oh, he's OK.
Tom: I hope he's more than OK, he just asked me out on a date.
Roz: Frasier just asked you out on a date.
Tom: Well he asked me to his place for dinner, so I wanted to ask
you, is there any particular wine he likes?
Roz: Well, listen Tom, there is something I think you need to know
about Frasier.
Tom: What? [Frasier holds a sign up saying "Hands Off He's Taken" to
Roz]
Roz: He's nuts about chardonnay.
THE PERILS OF REFINEMENT
On Saturday, Daphne is complaining with Frasier whilst she cleans
the table.
Daphne: Does he ask permission first? Oh no, he just barges in and
says he's set me up with God knows you, and I'm supposed to
turn cartwheels like I'm bloody Cinderella.
Frasier: Will you please relax, look I told you this is not a set up.
Tom doesn't even know you'll be here.
Daphne: Oh, an ambush then, much nicer. My girlfriends in Manchester
used to set me up all the time. And it was always some
gangally bounder with a boarding house reach, and he wasn't
going for the Coleman's hot mustard, if you know what I
mean!
Frasier: Never mind, Tom is just a co-worker who's coming by for a
pleasant little dinner. Some spartulate knight, fine, but
there is no pressure, absolutely no pressure, is that what
you're wearing?
Daphne: Why what's wrong with it? [doorbell]
Frasier: Don't you have something with a little more umpf! What about
that strapless number you have.
Daphne: Do you have any idea how uncoftable a strapless bra is?
Frasier: Well thanks to my fertinty days, as a matter of fact I do.
[answers door, it's Tom] Tom, come on in.
Tom: Hi Frasier.
Frasier: Good to see you.
Tom: Oh I don't know, somethink told me you like charddoney.
Frasier: Oh my, that's my favourite. So, what do you think of this
place.
Tom: It's a helluva view.
Frasier: It's even better from the bedroom.
Tom: Why don't we just start with the drink?!
Frasier: [laughs]
Tom: [sees dining area] Oh, four places, who's joining us?
Frasier: Oh just my little household, my father and his
physical therapist, charming, Daphne.
Tom: You live with your dad? I can't even imagine that. Well, I
mean it's great that you get along so well but does it, em,
having him here put a crimp in your love life?
Frasier: Oh, not at all. Except when I bring my dates home, he tries
to steal them. He's quite the old rascal. Well, look who we
have here. [Daphne enters in a short red strapless dress]
Tom, I'd like you to meet Daphne. Daphne this is Tom Duran.
Tom: Pleasure to meet you.
Daphne: Likewise. Oh Dr. Crane, you didn't take his coat.
Frasier: Oh sorry.
Daphne: May I?
As she takes his coat off she signals to Frasier that he's gorgeous
with "Oh My God". He nods.
Daphne: Oh, this is strange, I'm picking up a vibration from your
coat.
Frasier: Yes well, Daphne feels she possesses cycic powers, well you
know those English eccentrics.
Daphne: Oh, you've just been through a very painful break up haven't
you?
Tom: Yes. Oh, wait a minute, you told her that didn't you?
Frasier: No.
Daphne: There was a bit of dispute about ownership of opera
recordings.
Tom: Wow!
Daphne: Well if you excuse me, I'll nip into the kitchen. I have a
bird to baste. [exits]
Frasier: Quite something isn't she?
Tom: She's great. I love hearing that accent again.
Martin: [enters] Hey Frasier, I don't have to put a tie on for this
joker do I? [sees Tom]
Frasier: Tom, this is my father, Martin Crane.
Tom: Tom Duran, nice to meet you.
Martin: I'm sorry about that joker business. I call everybody joker,
jerk, pinhead, bozo.
Frasier: And amazingly he's free for dinner on short notice. Why
don't I just open some of this wonderful wine.
He goes into the kitchen, where he checks on Daphne's feelings.
Frasier: Well?
Daphne: Wow he's a looker. I'm glad you made me put on my lucky bra.
He's worth every wire digging into me ribcage.
Frasier: Yes, you've made quite an impression on him too, he thinks
you're great!
Daphne: Oh go on! God, listen to me getting carried away like a
school girl when I've just met the man. No, I'm not raising
my hopes tonight, though I'm glad I raised me bussum.
Meanwhile, Martin and Tom are having a chat in the living room.
Martin: Yeah, let me tell you, you gonna love Seattle. It's a real
people's place. Great food, great bars..
Tom: I've heard that. Any you recommend?
Martin: Yeah, I usually hang out at a place called "Dukes". Great
crowd, lot of young cops. [Tom is pleased] So, do you like
football?
Tom: Yeah, yeah, I really missed it when I was living in London.
Martin: Yeah, well maybe we can take you to see a Seehawks game
sometime. Frasier hates it, so it'd just be us.
Tom: Hey, Frasier warned me about me!
Martin: Yeah, I guess I yell at the players too loud. [laughs]
Frasier: [entering] Here we are, Tom. [hands him wine] Dad, I took
the liberty of selecting an amusing little vintage for you
too. Sorry, I didn't bring a pool tab so you could sit it.
[hands him beer.]
Martin: [badly:] Merci beaucoup.
The doorbell sounds so Frasier goes to answer it. Niles is standing
there, who takes Frasier's wine glass.
Niles: Hello Frasier, just stopped by to return your book. [hands
it over].
Frasier: Oh yes, thank you, well don't let me keep you.
Niles: Am I interrupting something?
Frasier: As a matter of fact, I'm introducing a man to Daphne.
Niles: Ah! Guess you don't want me around then. [walks to Tom] How
do you do? I'm Dr. Niles Crane.
Tom: Hi, I'm Tom Duran.
Daphne: [peers round:] Bird's all done, all I need is a pair of big
strong arms to hawl it out of the oven.
Niles: Well I certainly don't need to be asked twice. [walks in
with her to Daphne's disapointment and Frasier's anger]
End Of Act One (Time: 14:10)
Act Two. During dinner, Tom is telling a story about the queen in
the middle of an interview. Everyone is politely laughing except
Niles who is being rather immature as usual.
Tom: So, half way through the interview her stomach starts
rumbling. And her body mike's picking it up, but I have to
ignore it. Because what am I going to say; "Would her majesty
care for a Tums?"
Daphne: I could listen to your stories all night. They're so funny.
Niles: And all involving bodily functions.
Daphne: Tom, I could use a little hand in the kitchen?
Niles: No, no, sit Daphne, after all that cooking you must be..
[looks down her frock] absolutely strapless. [Niles exits to
kitchen]
In the kitchen, Niles puts a few things into the sink. Tom enters
with some words of warning.
Tom: Er, Niles, can I speak with you for a moment?
Niles: Yes!
Tom: I was wondering did I do anything that offended you?
Niles: No! [madly thows pots into sink]
Tom: Oh, must be all in my head, but I sensed that you had a
problem with me dating Frasier.
Niles: Well if you must know.. [realises]..I'm sorry what was the
question?
Tom: Do you have some problem with me dating your brother?
Niles: [calm] No.
Frasier: [entering] I didn't ask Tom to dinner so he could talk with
you all night in the kitchen. There are others who would
like to have a crack at him. [they exit and Martin enters]
Martin: That Tom's a great guy huh? You think maybe him and
Daphne...
Niles: [laughs]
On the balcony, Tom, Frasier and Daphne are having a little chat.
Tom: You know, I can't remember the last time I had such a
wonderful evening.
Daphne: Oh no, we should be thanking you, I can't remember when I
laughed so hard.
At this point, Martin and Niles nearly kill themselves with laughing
in the kitchen.
Daphne: It's still got Mr. Crane going.
Frasier: Daphne, I think a little after dinner music would be
appropriate.
Daphne: Good idea! [she goes to the stereo]
Frasier: She's, er, quite a woman isn't she.
Tom: [flatly:]Yes, she's really something, [excited:] em, Frasier
I was wondering.
Frasier: Yes?
Tom: Do you think before the evening's over we could get a little
one on one time.
Frasier: Oh, I think I can arrange that. [goes over to Daphne]
Daphne, he says he wants to be alone with you.
Daphne: No?
Frasier: Yes.
Daphne: This really is me lucky bra. Keep the wine flowing, I'l go
fix my lipstick. [leaves]
Frasier: OK.
Martin: Yeah, I guess I'd better be hitting the old sack. I don't
wanna stand in the way of young romance.
Frasier: Thanks dad.
Martin: Goodnight Tom.
Tom: Goodnight Martin. [exits to bedroom]
Frasier: And Niles, isn't time you were running along too?
Niles: Yes, I must be on my way. And, Frasier, I must apologise, I
was wrong about Tom. If I had to choose a man for Daphne,
he's the one I'd pick.
Frasier: Good.
Niles: Goodnight Tom, nice to meet you.
Tom: Goodnight.
Niles: Frasier, a word in your ear. [they go out to the corridor]
There is something I have to tell you. Dad wanted to but I
won the coin toss.
Frasier: Yes, what is it?
Niles: Well, I had a little chat with Tom in the kitchen and he
told me he's interested in pursing a romantic relationship.
But, the object of his affections is not Daphne!
Frasier: Damn! That Roz!
Niles: No, no, it's you.
Frasier: Me? That's impossible, Tom's not gay!
Niles: He seems to be under that impression.
Frasier: What on earth could have made him think I would be
interested in him. All I did was ask him if he was attached
then we talked about the theatre and men's fashion.
[realises:] Oh my God! Niles, do you realise what this
means?
Niles: Yes, you're dating your boss. You of all people should know
the pitfalls of an office relationship.
Frasier: It's just that he never mentioned the fact he..
Niles: [in elevator:] I'll call you tomorrow, but not to early of
course. [the doors close and Niles laughs]
Frasier, sweating like a pig and as red as a beetroot enters the
room. He slowly swarms over and turns the music off.
Frasier: God, I hate this song.
Tom: You know I've broken my rule for you. I usually don't date
guys I work with..
Frasier: Yes, well I've sort of relaxed my rule for you too.
Tom: You're cute when you're nervous.
Frasier: I must be down right adorable now then. Listen Tom, I'm
sorry, but we seem to have gotten our lines crossed here.
The truth is I'm entirely straight!
Tom: Hey, if you're not interested just say so.
Frasier: Oh no, It's true I really am! I just invited you to dinner
because you seemed so charming and you were so fond of the
British I thought you might be the perfect man for Daphne.
Tom: I can't believe this! You really had no idea that I'm gay?
Daphne walks out, upon hearing this she chucks her not-so-lucky bra
up in the air and walks back to her bedroom.
Frasier: Don't take this wrong, but it never even occured to me you
might be gay.
Tom: Well it never even occured to me that you might be straight.
Frasier: Thank you. Geez, Tom, I feel just awful. Seems I've just
been leading you on all night.
Tom: Oh, it's OK. Honest mistake!
Frasier: Yes, but I've been pouring you drinks, building up your
hopes, making you think you might have found a man
sophisticated and sensitive enough to help you...
Tom: Frasier, I'll learn to love again!
Frasier: Yes of course.
Tom: You'll apologise to Daphne?
Frasier: For the rest of my days.
Tom: Does this mean your dad's not gay either?
Frasier: No, dad's not gay.
Tom: But Niles, come on?
Frasier: No, I'm afraid not.
Tom: So, wait a minute, this Maris guy he kept mentioned is a
woman?
Frasier: Well, the jury's still out on that one. [Tom leaves]
End of Act Two. (Time: 21:16)
Credits:
Frasier and Daphne are sitting up smoking cigarettes. They look at
the ingredients on the back of the packet and stab them out
immediatly. They finish it off by taking a final swig of their
brandy.
Legal Stuff
This episode capsule is copyright 1999 by Nick Hartley. This
episode summary remains property of Frasier, Copyright of Paramount
Productions and NBC. Printed without permission.
