The Innkeepers Written by David Llyod
Directed by James Burrows
=====================================================================
Production Code: 2.23
Episode Number In Production Order: XXX
Original Airdate on NBC: 16th May 1995
Episode filmed on XXX
Transcript written on 15th June 2000
Transcript {david langley}
Act 1
Scene 1 - The Radio Station
[Fade in. Frasier is in the producer's booth with Roz. Gil is on
the air.]
Gil: And so, in the opinion of this critic, Mickey's Good Time
Tavern is anything but. Dismal decor, perfunctory service
and cuisine which is only marginally preferable to hunger.
[He waves to Frasier.] And finally, on a sadder note,
after fifty-three years in the same location, Orsini's is
closing it's doors. And so tonight a sad adieu to the
grande dame of Seattle restaurants.
Roz: I thought HE was the grande dame of Seattle restaurants.
Gil: Until next time, this is Gil Chesterton saying bon apetite,
buan apatito and nifty gnoshing.
Roz: [coming into the booth] Gil, why is Orsini's closing?
Gil: Well, the owner's getting old, he wants to sell. And just
between us, I'm afraid Orsini's a bit like wine that's
stayed too long in the cellar. It retains only memories of
it's former glory.
Frasier: Not comping your check anymore?
Gil: Not for months now. [He leaves.]
Frasier: You know, Orsini's used to be my favorite restaurant. You
ever been there, Roz?
Roz: Are you kidding? My typical date's idea of a gourmet
evening is take out, make out, and home by Letterman.
[Niles enters holding something in a bag.]
Niles: Knock knock!
Frasier: Hello Niles. It's not really a good time for a visit, show
starts in two minutes.
Niles: Just enought time to show you the John Steinbeck first
edition I bought at the rare book fair. [He takes the book
out of the bag and shows him.] Saint Katy the Virgin in
like new condition.
Frasier: Yes, well, she'd have to be, wouldn't she?
Niles: Quite a charming book, really. It's a shame more people
haven't read it.
Roz: Oh, let's see.
Niles: Don't touch! The smallest smudge decreases its value.
Frasier: Oh, Niles, guess what thriving Seattle night spot is
closing its doors.
Niles: Roz, you're moving.
[Roz glares at him, then plucks the book from his hands and licks the
back cover. He is stunned and wipes it off with his handkerchief.]
Frasier: No, Niles. Orsini's is closing.
Niles: Oh, it can't be. It's part of Crane history. Grandfather
took me there for my eighth birthday.
[Roz comes in to drop some papers on Frasiers desk, Niles hides the
book in his jacket.]
Frasier: Thank you, Roz.
Niles: Childhood memories, so vivid. Wearing paper hats, singing
Happy Birthday, sending back the Veal Prince Orloff.
Roz: Thirty seconds Frasier.
Frasier: Thank you, Roz. Niles, tonight let's go to Orsini's for
one glorious farewell dinner.
Niles: Why not? I'll make the reservations. We'll take Dad and
Daphne.
Frasier: Great. Will Maris be joining us?
Niles: Oooh. Sadly no. She had a bad experience there one
Christmas Eve. An Italian soccer team was sitting at the
next table, Maris announced she was in the mood for a
goose, and, perhaps inevitably, tragedy ensued.
[He leaves. Fade out.]
Scene 2 - Orsini's
LE FRERES HEUREUX
[Fade in. The restaurant is very fancy, but almost completely empty.
Martin, Daphne, Frasier and Niles enter down the staircase.]
Frasier: What has happened to this place?
Niles: I know. It's like running into a movie star you
worshipped as a child, only time has left her hair
brittle, her eyes sunken and dull, her skin waxy and
sallow.
Martin: Well I got quite an appetite, how 'bout you, Daph?
Maitre D': Yes, sir. Do you have a reservation?
Frasier: Yes, the name is Crane, for four.
Maitre D': Ah, table nine seems to be free. Right this way sir,
your waiter will be with you in a moment. [He leads them
to their seats.]
Frasier: [holding Daphne's chair] Thank you. Over here, Daph.
Daphne: Oh, thank you.
Niles: Dad, Frasier isn't that Otto?
Frasier: Oh, my God, I believe it is. You know, Otto is legendary
here. He's been with them forever, he never writes a
single thing down, he keeps it all in his head. [calling
out] Otto.
Otto: Oh, coming up. [He hands Frasier a folder.] Your check
sir.
Frasier: Wrong table. We would like menus, please.
Otto: Sorry. I hate it when we get crowded.
Martin: I'm goin' to the john. Order me a beer.
Frasier: Oh, gee, Dad, for a moment there, I thought you were
going to surprise me and order a glass of wine.
Martin: Oh, yeah, for a moment there I thought you were gonna
surprise me and button your yap. [He goes off.]
Frasier: I'd order him the crab cocktail, but I'm afraid the irony
would be lost on him.
Niles: The owner's going to have his hands full trying to find a
buyer for this place.
Frasier: Yes, alas. I'm afraid we've found one old relic who's
time has come to be put out of his misery. [Otto has
come back and looks worried at this.] Oh, no, Otto, I
didn't mean you.
Otto: Your menus sir.
[He hands them out, they all say 'Thank you'. Otto holds up Martin's
menu questioningly.]
Niles: It's all right. He's in the men's room. [Otto nods and
heads that way.]
Frasier: No, no, leave it here.
Daphne: Why are Americans always in such an almighty rush to tear
things down? At home, we treasure our antiquities but you
people just can't wait to bring in the bulldozers.
Niles: You know, I'm inclined to agree with Daphne.
Frasier: I'll try to contain my amazement.
Daphne: It would be a crime to lose a landmark like this. I mean,
look at it. It's well built, good structure.
Niles: It does have good bones. It's in a very good location.
Frasier: Excellent location. If they only had valet parking.
Niles: If they just took down those aweful curtains.
Frasier: Knocked out these pillars... You know, I've always dreamed
of owning a four star restaurant.
Niles: What growing boy hasn't?
Frasier: Of course, we'd need a new chef.
Niles: I happen to know the chef at Emilio's is very unhappy.
Frasier: Of course, everyone knows that. The man's scongili is a
cry for help.
[Martin comes back and sits down.]
Niles: Frasier, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Frasier: I'm picking out china and sand blasting the wine cave.
Daphne: Owning a restaurant is hard work. If you don't scald
yourself or lop off a finger with a cleaver, you spend your
whole time gagging at grease fires, killing rats and
brawling with labor racketeers. [off their shocked
expressions] Me auntie had a little tea room.
Martin: Wait a minute! Don't tell me you two are seriously
considering doing a dumb-ass idiotic thing like buying this
place.
Frasier: With all due respect, Dad, we are hardly neophites in this
field. We know food. We know wine.
Niles: Lord knows we have style, taste and refinement
Martin: You see, that's what always gets you guys in trouble. You
don't think about the hard work or the long hours. No, to
you owning a restaurant is just wearing fancy clothes,
hobnobing with your friends and turning your enemies away
at the door.
Niles: [excited] I hadn't even thought about that!
Martin: Look, when I was a cop walking the beat, there was this one
restaurant on the corner. In ten years, it musta changed
hands twenty times. First it Ling Fun's Lichi Palace, then
it was Tony's Meatball Hutch, then it was A Little Taste of
Yorkshire. English food. Huh, big surprise, that lasted
about five minutes.
[Daphne is not amused.]
Niles: You know, Frasier, Dad has a point. A lot of people have
lost a lot of money in this business for one reason: they
picked the wrong name. [Martin gives Niles a dark look.]
Frasier: True, Niles, but I've got something very special. I was
thinking about this while Dad was talking. [Martin gives
Frasier a darker look.] Maison Crane. Oh, God, you're
right, it's a little too obvious.
Niles: We want our name to be inviting and welcoming. Oh, oh,
what's the word for 'lighthearted' in French?
Frasier: [thinking a moment] There isn't one. I've got it, Niles,
I've got it! Le Freres Heureux.
Niles: 'The Happy Brothers'... Brilliant! It's homey, but just
hard enough to pronounce to inimidate the riff raff!
Frasier: Yes! We'll make the place very, very exclusive! No sign
on the outside, no advertisements and oh, an unlisted
number!
Martin: Hey, don't stop there! Maybe you could post some guards on
the roof who can shoot people as they try to get in.
[Daphne laughs.]
Frasier: Never mind him. I believe, Niles. Do you believe?
Niles: I believe.
Otto: Have you decided what you'd like?
Frasier: Yes. I'd like the whole damn place! Right from the wine
cellar to the rafters!
Otto: And for the lady?
[Dissolve to - opening night at Le Freres Heureux. Niles comes from
the kitchen in a tuxedo and joins Frasier, similarly attired, to gaze
over the redecorated restaurant. Fade out.]
Act 2
Scene 1 - The Restaurant
NO EELS WERE HARMED DURING
THE MAKING OF THIS EPISODE
[Fade in. The same scene.]
Niles: We're a hit. A palpable hit. Every table in the place is
full. Except for that tiny one, wedged in that horrible
dank little corner by the men's room.
Frasier: No, no, no, Niles. That is not a dank little corner next
to the men's room. That is the 'Enchanted Grotto'.
Niles: I've been getting nothing but compliments.
Frasier: Yes, Chef Maurice has really outdone himself. The menu
simply cannot be improved upon.
Niles: [tasting a dish] I agree. Mmm. Unless it would be to add
just a soupson of brandy to the cherries jubilee?
Frasier: [tasting] Mmm. Yes, yes. I want those cherries to be
jubilant.
[Niles adds brandy to the cherries as Frasier walks over to Martin
and Daphne.]
Frasier: Daphne, Dad, everything all right here?
Daphne: Oh, yes, Dr. Crane. Whatever this anguille is, it's
perfectly smashing!
Frasier: It's our chef's specialty. The man can do things with eels
you just wouldn't believe!
Martin: I arrested a guy for that once.
[Cut to the kitchen. The sous chef is puttering around a tank.]
Niles: What's in there?
Sous Chef: [holding up an eel] Anguille.
Niles: Dear God!
Sous Chef: It's Maurice's specialty. He prefers to kill them to
order then serve them with their heads still on.
Niles: Thank God his specialty isn't roast beef. Are those the
souffles for table nine, Maurice?
Maurice: I'm just about to bake them.
Niles: I know it's not my place to second guess your
presentation, but would you be averse to trying somethng
radical?
Maurice: What?
Niles: Well, instead of individual souffles, make one large
souffle and dish the portions out at the table. When
people hear the name Niles Crane, I want them to think
'Big souffle.'
Maurice: As you wish.
[Niles heads out to the dining room. He is met by a waiter.]
Waiter: There's a party at the door without a tie or a reservation.
Niles: Leave them to me.
[He goes to the stairs to find Bulldog and a young lady there.]
Bulldog: Hey, Miles, baby!
Niles: Good evening Mr. Briscoe. May I help you?
Bulldog: [indicating the girl] Does it look like I need help
tonight?
Niles: Do you have a reservation?
Bulldog: OK, OK, I know what you're sniffin' around for. These guys
are all alike. Mr. Lincoln wonders if you've got a table
for the Bulldog and his lady. [He stuffs a five in Niles'
pocket.]
Niles: Well, Mr. Lincoln's in luck. [to waiter] Please, seat
these people in 'The Enchanted Grotto'.
Frasier: Niles, the Grotto? Oh, Bulldog, enjoy our finest table.
Bulldog: There, you see that? Little flash of green and you get
anything you want. But look who I'm telling.
[Frasier heads to the kitchen as Niles adds more brandy to the
cherries. Cut to the kitchen as Frasier enters.]
Frasier: Um, Maurice? It's not to second guess your creativity,
but... [Maurice glares at him.] I thought we agreed that
we would serve the souffles in individual cups.
Maurice: But I was asked to change.
Frasier: Change on opening night? Good lord, no, no. Start pouring
man.
[He goes back to the dining room.]
Frasier: Dad, Daphne, if your almost finished, I can call for your
car.
Daphne: You know, your parking attendant looked familiar.
Frasier: It was Otto, the waiter. Didn't have the heart to let him
go, so... [He pulls out a walkie-talkie.] Hello, Otto?
Otto: [from radio] Who is this?
Frasier: Dr. Crane, Otto. Please bring up car forty four, please.
Thank you. Little inovation of mine. This way, your car
will be waiting when you're finished.
[Frasier heads for the kitchen, but stops to add some brandy to the
cherries. Cut to the kitchen where Niles spots Maurice with the
souffles.]
Niles: Maurice, I thought we agreed, one large bowl for the
souffle.
Maurice: This is crazy! This is my kitchen!
Niles: Well, it's in my restaurant, so one big bowl, chop chop!
[to a waiter] And you, you, you! Table twelve is still
waiting for their entree. Don't force me to send them
complimentery zuchini.
[Niles turns to enter the dining room, but the door stops with a
thump.]
Waiter: Uh, that's the in door, sir.
Niles: Good lord, I wonder what I did.
[Cut to the dining room. A waiter is laid out in front of the doors,
the bartender rushes over.]
Bartender: What happened?
Frasier: I think this man must've fainted. Here, help me get him
into the kitchen.
[They pick the man up and start to carry him, but Frasier hits the
wrong door which stops with a thump.]
Bartender: That's the out door!
Frasier: Well, no harm done.
[Cut to the kitchen as they carry the unconcious waiter in. The
waiter from the kitchen is holding his bleeding nose.]
Niles: Good lord, I think his nose is broken.
Sous Chef: What should we do?
Niles: Well for one thing, start ladling out zuchini.
Sous Chef: That one's out cold.
Bartender: Give me a hand, I'll take them both to the emergency
room.
Frasier: Yes, that's a good idea. Please help this man.
Niles: Frasier, true to our name I'm trying to remain a happy
brother but do you find it just the tiniest bit
discouraging that suddenly we find ourselves with neither
waiters nor a bartender?
Frasier: First rule of the kitchen, Niles, remain calm. [noticing
Maurice and the souffles] NO, NO, NO! I told you
individual cups you oaf!
Niles: I told him one large bowl.
Frasier: Are you out of your mind? You told him what?
[They start bickering. Maurice takes off his apron and hat and heads
for the door. They plead with him to stop, but he is gone.]
Niles: Oh, fine, now what?
Frasier: Simple. We just make a battlefield promotion. [to the
sous chef] Congratulations! You are our new head chef.
Sous Chef: Sank you.
Frasier: Now make us proud! We've got a lot of very important
clientele out there.
Niles: Yes, the Governor's table alone has two state senators
and the head of the Immagration Bureau.
[At the words 'immagration bureau' everyone in the kitchen runs out
the back.]
Frasier: Any other names you'd like to drop?
Niles: Fine, now we have no chef! [Frasier picks up the chef's
hat and looks at Niles.] No. No. Put the hat down! No,
no...
Frasier: You are our new head chef.
Niles: Don't be absurd. I can't possibly cook all these meals.
Frasier: Oh, of course you can, Niles. My God, most of the meals are
already started. Dad and Daphne can help us out. [into
the walkie-talkie] Otto, cancel car number forty four.
Otto: Who is this?
Frasier: It's Dr. Crane! It's always Dr. Crane, I'm the only one on
here!
[Frasier runs out and catches Martin and Daphne as they are about to
head out.]
Frasier: Dad, Daphne, we need your help, we've had a little
disaster.
Martin: [loudly] Disaster?!
Frasier: Will you...! The entire staff has walked out, it's a long
story, but I need you in the kitchen, Daphne; and you
behind the bar, Dad. [off Martin's look] You can gloat
later.
Martin: I'll pencil it in.
Daphne: Well, it won't be the first time I've had to wash dishes
for me supper, but who's going to wait on all these tables?
Roz: [arriving with her date] Oh, Frasier...
Frasier: [kissing her on the cheeks] Roz! Roz! Roz! Oh, Roz!
Roz: I'm glad to see you too. Frasier, this is my date, Brad.
Frasier: Brad, pleasure.
Roz: Pretty great, huh?
Frasier: Oh, yes, yes.
Roz: So, you've got our special table?
Frasier: Yes, but before you sit at it, there's something I want to
discuss with you. [He leads her to the kitchen].
Roz: It's probably some kind of surprise.
Frasier: Oh, try to fool you...
[Brad sits at the bar.]
Martin: What's your poison.
Brad: Oh, I don't know. Maybe I should wait for Roz.
Martin: I'd have one now.
Roz: [coming from the kitchen] Blackmailer! [She goes over to
Brad.] Honey? Listen, I'm really, really sorry, but
Frasier's a dear friend and his waiters have had an
accident and this is his grand opening and he really,
really needs my help so I hope you'll try to understand.
Brad: No problem. Listen, could I get a menu and maybe some
bread and butter?
Frasier: Dad...
Martin: Hey buddy. You from around here? How 'bout those
Supersonics?
Frasier: Listen, Niles is starting to panic in the kitchen. I don't
know if we're going to be able to pull this thing off.
Martin: Why don't you just level with them? Tell 'em what
happened. People are more understanding than you think.
Frasier: Well, maybe you're right. Maybe honesty is the best
policy. Everyone? Excuse me. Ladies and gentlemen, I
would just like to say...
Gil: Good evening, Frasier.
Frasier: Bon apetite! Gil. Gil, my God, what a surprise to see
you. I thought you never reviewed opening night.
Gil: You're my friend. I made an exception. And as a special
surprise, I brought an entire table of resaurant critics.
Frasier: Oh, well, that's... We're so booked up I don't know if we
can accomidate you.
Gil: Oh, we'll take that one over there. We don't mind
squeezing in. We're simply salivating to try your
anguille. We hear your chef's an absolute wizard with
eels.
Frasier: Well, that was his old specialty. You really must try his
new specialty: scrambled eggs. [Gil gives him a very dry
look.] Eels it is.
[Cut to the kitchen. Niles and Daphne are frantically making dishes.
Roz comes in.]
Roz: OK, table four wants to make some changes: they want the
sole beranica without the grapes. [Daphne begins flicking
off the grapes.] Spinach instead of broccoli and rosota
instead of pasta. They also want swordfish but hold the
capers...
Daphne: Oh, for heaven's sakes, can't you just tell them no
substitutions.
Roz: I have trouble saying no.
Niles: So the guidebooks tell us.
Roz: You want to get thrown in the tank with the rest of the
eels?
Daphne: Well, you're not making this very easy. You waltz in here,
queen of the waitresses, la-di-da, extra broccoli, hold the
capers, and then you go back out on the fun side of the
door.
Roz: You want to trade places with me, Mary Poppins? Be my
guest!
Niles: How dare you use that tone with her!
[They begin yelling at each other. Frasier comes in.]
Frasier: All right, stop it! Get a grip. You're not being asked to
do anything that none of us hasn't done before in our own
kitchens in our own homes. Now quick, Niles, kill five
eels.
Niles: Wait, wait! What?!
Frasier: I'm serious. Every restaurant critic in Seattle is out
there and they all want anguille, so start killing eels!
Niles: Wait, wait. How do you suggest I do that?
Frasier: How do I know? You're the chef. Throw a toaster in the
damn tank for all I care.
[He heads back to the dining room.]
Frasier: Not to worry, Gil, the eels are on their way.
Gil: Our mouths are watering, Frasier.
Frasier: Our chef is in the process of... [The lights flicker, a
humming sound is heard from the kitchen.] Frying them now.
[Frasier heads towards the kitchen, but is stopped by a customer.]
Customer: Excuse me. This is veal paccata. I ordered veal marsala.
Frasier: So it is. I'll rectify that at once. I'll be right back.
[He takes the plate and goes to the kitchen. Niles is working on the
meals, Daphne is at the sink.]
Frasier: Niles. This veal paccata has to be veal marsala
[He hands the plate to Niles who picks up the veal with his tongs and
flings it over his shoulder. Daphne snatches it from the air and
rinses it off under the spray nozzle. Niles wipes the plate clean
and holds it out while getting a dipper of sauce. Daphne tosses the
washed off veal onto the plate, Niles covers it with sauce and hands
it back to Frasier who grabs some garnish from a bowl and sprinkles
it on top. All this is done in less time than it takes you to read
it. Roz comes in.]
Roz: The mayor's table all want cherries jubilee for dessert.
Frasier: All right, fine. You flame them, I'll be out to serve
them. [He tosses a box of matches at Roz. She makes no
effort to catch them and they sail through the door, which
she lets close behind her.] Niles, how are those eels
coming?
Niles: [hacking at the water with a cleaver] I'm just trimming
them now.
Frasier: Take them out of the tank.
Niles: Not until I'm sure they're dead.
Daphne: Oh, for heaven's sakes.
[Daphne throws down her wash cloth, marches over to the tank, reaches
in, grabs an eel, and, in a wild overhand swing, smashes it against
the cooks table. She then hands the eel to a shocked Niles.
Suddenly there is a flash of light and whump sound from the dining
room, the doors swing inward and a billow of smoke curls into the
kitchen.]
Frasier: What was that?
[Roz comes in. Her hair is blown back, her face is covered in soot,
her dress is stained red.]
Roz: [in a shell shocked voice] Big blue flash. Cherries
everywhere.
Daphne: Lucky it didn't set off the sprinkler system.
Frasier: Yes, fortunately, we have a built in safety delay for just
this sort of thing. It gives you fifteen seconds before
the sprinklers... [The sprinklers kick in.] Kick in.
Daphne: Where do I turn that off?
Frasier: Right over there.
Niles: I hope you're satisfied! You've thinned my brown sauce!
[Daphne shuts off the sprinklers. Frasier reenters the dining room.
Everyone is soaked and getting up to leave.]
Frasier: Good news! That was just a test!
Bulldog: [standing on a chair] Hey Doc, Doc. Great touch with the
sprinklers! My date's dress is clinging to her like Saran
Wrap.
Frasier: Ladies and gentlemen, every restaurant has it's little
adjustment period. I'm sure someday you'll look back on
this and remember it as an adventure!
Gil: And if they don't remember it, I'll remind them.
Frasier: Now for those of you who are leaving, please keep us in
mind for your next special occasion. We plan many new and
exciting innovations in the weeks to come.
[A car smashes through the wall.]
Frasier: Starting with our drive through window.
Otto: [sticking his head out the car window.] Number twenty
three is ready.
[Fade out.]
Scene 2 - The Restaurant
[Fade in. The room is deserted, the car is still in the wall, there
is water everywhere. We pan across to where Niles is sitting,
staring at the ceiling. Frasier is sitting next to him, eating.]
Niles: How much firepower do you suppose is neccesary to imbed a
cherry in an acousitic ceiling tile?
Frasier: [glancing up] Another question we should have asked
ourselves before we entered the exciting world of food
service.
Martin: [coming in from the kitchen] Man, those eels are startin'
to stink.
Niles: Dad, for an hour you've been circling us like a shark. Why
don't you just give us your little speech and get on with
it.
Martin: Hey, come on, I know you guys. You're gonna punish
yourselves enough without me chimin' in.
Frasier: Thanks.
Niles: I appreciate it.
Martin: Hey, I'm your dad. [The phone rings, he answers it.]
Hello, Happy Brothers Restaurant. ... Table for two? Yeah,
no problem. Smoke damaged or non smoke damaged? [He
laughs.]
Frasier: You know, we could tell people he died in the explosion.
Credits:
Bulldog comes from the back room, putting on his shirt. He has a
lipstick stain on his forehead. He stares around the ruined
restaurant, collects wine from several glasses into one, puts a
flowers in his waistband and heads back.
Legal Stuff
This episode capsule is copyright 2000 by Nick Hartley, D Langley.
This episode summary remains property of Frasier, Copyright
of Paramount Productions and NBC. Printed without permission.
