Agents In America, Part Three Written by Joe Keenan
Directed by David Lee
=====================================================================
Production Code: 2.22
Episode Number In Production Order:
Original Airdate on NBC:
Episode filmed on
Transcript written on 1st June 2000
The transcript may not be complete because of syndication cuts.
Transcript {mike lee}
ACT ONE
Scene One – Café Nervosa
Frasier is seated at a table. Niles comes in.
Niles: Hello, Frasier.
Frasier: Oh, Niles!
Niles: [to counter waiter] Double latte, full fat, chocolate
shavings.
Frasier: Ah, the self-pity special.
Niles turns to Frasier's table and starts wiping down the other
chair.
Niles: I've had a hellish week. To top it off, old Reggie Belknap,
the president of our wine club, kicked the bucket. The
man's body was not even properly chilled before the club
jackals began angling to succeed him. You've never seen
such vicious, cutthroat conniving!
Frasier: Who's winning?
Niles: Well, Maris, of course. But just barely. Matthew Pym tried
to stage a coup! Fortunately, Maris has photos she took at
his wedding—photos that clearly show the label on the
champagne he served.
Frasier: Domestic?
Niles: Oh-ho-ho-ho, not just domestic. From . . . Conneticut.
Niles sees Bebe Glaser enter the Café and hang up her coat.
Niles: Oh dear, don't turn around. It's that dreadful woman who
works for you.
Frasier: Who?
Niles: Um, uh . . . Lady MacBeth without the sincerity?
Frasier: Oh! Oh, Bebe's here! [stands and pulls up another chair]
Now, Niles, I care for her just as little as you do, but she
is a terrific agent, which is why I overlook the fact that
she's pushy and obnoxious and the most appalling phony I've
ever known. [turns around] Bebe, darling! How are you?
Frasier and Bebe throw their arms open and kiss each other's cheeks.
They sit at the table.
Bebe: My poor wounded baby! I just heard what those misers you
work for are trying to do to you! Well, don't you worry,
they're not going to get away with it!
Frasier: Well, you must have heard wrong, Bebe. They extended my
contract for another year with an eight-percent raise.
Bebe: Eight percent? That would insult even a waiter! [to a
passing waiter] Double cappuccino—move it!
Frasier: That is what my contract calls for.
Bebe: A slave contract you negotiated two years ago before you
even had an agent! They took advantage of your
inexperience.
Frasier: I thought it was a very generous offer.
Bebe: Oh please, do you have any idea how hot you are? I get
offers every day from other stations, offering the moon for
you!
Frasier: Good lord, am I really that hot?
Bebe: Are you kidding? If I were a pot roast . . . I'd be done.
Niles: Hello, I'm Niles, a person at the table.
Bebe: Oh Niles, thank God you're here! Back me up, give him some
sound brotherly advice.
Niles: She's the Devil, Frasier. Run fast, run far.
Niles gets up to get some sugar.
Frasier: Bebe, I know that the station is making a handsome profit on
my show, but what can I do? I do have a contract.
Bebe: No, darling, what you have is a . . . fever.
Frasier: Excuse me?
She puts her hand on his forehead.
Bebe: Ooh, you're like a furnace!
Frasier: Well, I-I think I see where you're going with this, Bebe,
and I can't say how I feel about it.
Bebe: Well, how do you feel about being one of the lowest paid
personalities at the station?
Frasier: Who makes more?
Bebe: Who doesn't? Nanette from "Pet Chat," The Happy Chef—oh,
for heaven's sakes, Father Mike could buy and sell you!
Frasier: Father Mike? He took a vow of poverty!
Bebe: Well, now he's taking a cruise.
Niles sits back down. A waiter brings Bebe's cappuccino.
Frasier: Bebe, this fever of mine . . . how much higher do you think
it might go?
Bebe: I'm guessing . . . thirty to forty percent above where it is
now.
Niles: *Forty* percent?
Frasier: Well, what can I say but, uh . . . Ah-choo!
Bebe grins. Niles offers Frasier his handkerchief.
Frasier: No, thank you.
FRASIER CRANE, MAMBO KING
Scene Two – Frasier's Apartment
Frasier, dressed in a casual striped shirt—no tie—is sitting on the
couch next to Daphne, who is watching a daytime soap opera. Martin
is reading the paper in his Armchair.
Frasier: My God, let's see, they've got "Sky," "Zena," and "Slate."
Daphne: I don't think someone called Frasier should be pointing any
fingers.
Frasier: Is this really what you do when I'm not at home?
Daphne: Not quite. When you're not home I can bloody well hear what
they're saying.
Frasier: Oh, you wouldn't want to miss a line of this dialogue. "Oh,
Zirconia, can't you see Stone doesn't love you, he loves
Placenta!"
Daphne turns off the TV and goes to the kitchen.
Martin: My favorite are the villains. They have one guy on here who
pushed his grandmother down the stairs, embezzled money from
a children's hospital, and poisoned a puppy. Give him
credit, though, he did show up for work every day.
Frasier: Oh God, Dad, if you're going to be so devilishly subtle, how
will I ever get your point?
Martin: All right, call me old-fashioned. I just think that when
you sign a contract, you stick to it. A man's only as good
as his word.
Frasier: Yes, well, my words have doubled the station's ad revenues,
and the only thanks they've shown me is a measly eight-
percent raise!
Martin: Oh, so what? In thirty years on the police force, you think
I ever went to the sergeant and said, "Hey, I'm shooting way
more bad guys than I thought I would, how about a bonus?"
The doorbell rings. Frasier gets up from the couch.
Frasier: Dad, you don't understand, this is show business—
Daphne: I'll get it.
Frasier: Thank you, Daphne. [to Martin] You see, we do things
differently. Negotiations are like a-are like a dance.
They *expect* me to fight my contract. They know I'm not
sick. I know they know I'm not sick. They know I know they
know I'm not sick. It's all part of the "negotiations
mambo."
Daphne opens the door to Roz.
Daphne: Hello, Roz.
Roz: Hi, Daphne.
Martin: Hi, Roz.
Roz: Hey, Martin.
Frasier: Roz, Roz, how goes things at the front?
Roz: Well, for starters, they painted over your name on your
parking space.
Frasier: Perfect!
Daphne: What?
Frasier: No, Bebe told me they might do that. It's a negotiation
tactic, it shows they're getting nervous.
Roz: Well, they must be really jittery then, because they took
your picture down in the lobby.
Frasier: Roz, Roz, they're just trying to scare me.
Martin: [getting up] And he knows they're trying to scare him, and
they know that he knows they're trying to scare him, he
knows that they know that he knows—
Frasier: Thank you, Dad! [to Roz] They're just bluffing, it's like a
card game.
Martin: It's like a card game, it's like a dance—the whole thing
sounds like a weekend in Vegas.
Martin goes to his room.
Roz: You know, I'd have thought they'd play games too, Frasier.
But they started auditioning people to replace you.
Frasier: They're interviewing people?
Roz: All day. And they're really hot on this woman who has some
gardening show. She calls herself "Ma Nature."
The doorbell rings again.
Frasier: Well, there's no need to panic, Roz. I'm sure it's all part
of the dance.
Daphne opens the door to Mike, an intern from the station, who is
carrying a cardboard box.
Mike: Hi, Dr. Crane. The station sent me over with your stuff.
Sorry.
Frasier: Oh my God, they've cleaned out my cubicle? Listen, Mike,
you're up on all the gossip—they're just bluffing, right?
Mike: I hope not. My audition went really well.
He hands the box to Daphne and leaves. As he goes, Bebe steps off
the elevator with a bouquet of flowers.
Bebe: Nurse Bebe reporting for duty! Blossoms for my little shut-in!
[drops them on top of the box in Daphne's arm] Put these in
something.
Frasier and Bebe kiss each other's cheeks.
Frasier: Oh, Bebe, Bebe, have you heard? They've cleaned out my
cubicle, they're auditioning other people—
Bebe: Marvelous! They're resorting to cheap scare tactics! Looks
like I was right to bring this along. [takes a bottle of
champagne from her purse and holds it out to Daphne] Chill
that.
Daphne, who's still laden with the box and the flowers, grits her
teeth and takes the bottle.
Bebe: Darling, you're looking a little pale. Don't tell me these
amateur theatrics are actually worrying you?
By now, Frasier can no longer conceal his agitation.
Frasier: Well, no, no, but the stress of not worrying is starting to
get to me. I don't know if I can take much more of this!
Bebe: Oh darling, if that's the way you feel, then fine! Let's
get this over with!
She picks up the phone. Frasier sighs with relief.
Roz: Oh Frasier, it's for the best. Really, trust me on this one.
Bebe: [into phone] Tom Duran, please. Bebe Glaser calling. [winks at
Frasier] Tom? Bebe's bored! You've huffed, and you've puffed,
but our house is still standing! We're giving you a midnight
deadline! Either call us here at Frasier's and tell us you'll
renegotiate, or we'll walk! Love ya.
She hangs up. Frasier is apoplectic.
Bebe: There. That should make them sweat, don't you think?
Frasier: [wiping his own brow] It might!
Bebe: Well, it's all over but the waiting. Canasta, anyone?
[takes a pack of cards from her purse and hands them to
Daphne] Shuffle these.
Daphne, who has just finished putting the flowers in water, has had
just about enough.
Scene Three – Frasier's Apartment
It's almost midnight. Roz has left. Martin is reading the paper in
his Armchair. Bebe sits at the dinner table playing solitaire.
Eddie sits in a chair, watching her. Frasier paces the apartment
with a glass of scotch.
Frasier: Eleven forty-five. It was a fun run while it lasted, eh,
Seattle? [opens the balcony door] This is Dr. Frasier Crane!
And I *was* listening!
Daphne, smiling sweetly, comes out of the kitchen with a tea tray.
Daphne: Here we are! One cup of tea—half Darjeeling, half Chamomile,
skim milk, a packet of sweetener—oh, and I thought you might
enjoy a nice fat-free tea biscuit. Will there be anything
else?
Bebe: No. You run along, I'm fine.
Daphne: You're sure now? Because I could wait till you finish the
biscuit and floss your teeth for you.
Bebe: You are a cheeky little monkey, aren't you? [bites the tea
biscuit] This cookie tastes like meat!
Daphne: Yes, and it'll remove tartar, and give you a nice, shiny
coat.
She tosses another biscuit to Eddie and exits, triumphant. Bebe
disgustedly tosses the rest of hers to Eddie.
Martin: Well, I think I'm gonna hit the hay too.
Bebe: That's awfully risky, isn't it? Leaving us kids out here
unchaperoned?
Martin: Better him than me.
Martin exits, followed by Eddie. Frasier sinks onto the couch. Bebe
leans over behind him and massages his shoulders.
Bebe: Why are you so tense? This is the best part! What could be
more fun than this?
Frasier: Oh . . . watching a loved one be autopsied?
Bebe: Think of them in their office—chain-smoking, biting their
nails, their ulcers churning out enough acid to burn a hole
in a ship's hull! [orgasmic] Ooh, God! And to think I
nearly went into nursing.
Frasier: Oh, you're right, Bebe, you're right! My God, if they're
fools enough to let me go, well then, fine! There are
plenty of other stations that would love to have Frasier
Crane on board!
Bebe: Exactly!
Frasier: Yes. In fact, you know, I think it's time we discussed
those other offers, decide what our fallback position should
be.
Bebe: Ooh, someone's out of Scotch!
She picks up his glass and takes it to the bar.
Frasier: Bebe . . . tell me there are other offers.
Bebe: Scads!
Frasier: Now you look me in the eye and tell me the truth!
Bebe: [looks him in the eye] There are no other offers. Straight
up, or on the rocks?
Frasier: [breaking down] Oh my God!
She hands him his drink and sits back down to her solitaire game.
Bebe: Darling, you can't make a deal without bluffing a little!
Frasier: You're supposed to bluff them, not me! My God, woman, are
you trying to ruin me?!
Bebe: You are such a worrywart!
Frasier grabs her by the arms, pulls her out of her chair and pushes
her toward the phone.
Frasier: Now don't you patronize me, you sweet-talking succubus! You
get on the phone and call them!
Bebe: Ooh my God, Hands of Hercules! What must your legs be like?
Frasier is speechless—then the phone rings.
Frasier: Answer it.
Bebe: Not yet. [rings a second time] Where are we? Have we gone
out? [rings a third time] Is it too late?
Frasier: Answer it!
Bebe: [picks up] Crane residence, Bebe Glaser speaking. [whispers]
It's them. [into phone] I see. I see. Fine.
She hangs up. Frasier can barely speak.
Frasier: Well?
Bebe: Renegotiations tomorrow, starting from scratch!
Frasier collapses with relief. Bebe takes the champagne bottle from
an ice bucket on the coffee table.
Frasier: Oh! Oh, dear God! Oh, we did it! I'm so pleased. Thank
you, Bebe.
Bebe: Maybe next time you'll trust little Bebe.
Frasier: Oh-yes, of course, you're right, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for
that horrible outburst and for grabbing you the way I did.
Bebe: Don't be. I was impressed. It was manly in a . . .
desperate sort of way.
She pours two glasses and hands him one.
Bebe: Cheers.
Frasier: Champagne, on top of scotch? Oh, what the hell.
Bebe: To a beautiful partnership.
Frasier: No, no—to a remarkable agent. [they clink glasses and sip]
What Bebe wants, Bebe gets. When will I ever learn that?
Bebe: Soon enough, dear.
She entwines her arm around his, and they sip again.
Bebe: Soon enough.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
Scene Four – Frasier's Apartment
Frasier lies asleep on the couch in his dressing gown. Eddie is
perched on the couch above him, staring at him. The room is strewn
with discarded shoes, Kleenex, and several bottles of champagne.
Martin comes out, sees Frasier, and peels open one of his eyelids.
Frasier starts awake.
Martin: Sorry, Eddie, he's still alive. You're not gonna get your
own room after all.
Frasier: Oh God . . .
Martin: How're you feeling?
Frasier: How do I look?
Martin: Last time I saw a guy that looked like you, he'd been in the
trunk of a car at the airport for a month.
Martin goes to the door to get the paper. Daphne comes out.
Daphne: Good morning! [sees the bottles] My goodness! Christened a
few ships last night, I see.
Frasier: The station agreed to renegotiate.
Martin: Oh, all right!
Daphne: Oh, marvelous!
Frasier: Yes, they called around five to midnight. Bebe and I had
some champagne to celebrate, and then . . . and then . . .
Oh God.
Bebe: Morning, Doctor.
Bebe appears from the hall. She's wearing Frasier's shirt from the
night before, and nothing else except her underwear, heels, and a
dreamy smile. The sight and sound is enough to make Martin yelp and
stumble backwards, nearly dropping the paper.
Bebe: I hope you don't mind, but I didn't see a robe, and your
shirt just looked so nice and big and warm—just like you.
Martin: Well, I guess I'd better go in and eat my breakfast—while I
still can!
Daphne: I'd better go cook for him. I know how the Crane men like
their legs—eggs!
Daphne and Martin exit to the kitchen.
Bebe: I think they're a little shocked!
Frasier: Well, I'm a little surprised myself.
Bebe: Oh, let's not kid ourselves. We both knew this would happen
someday.
Frasier: We did?
Bebe: The signs were all there—the glances, the furtive smiles . .
The more amorous Bebe gets, the more agitated Frasier gets.
Frasier: Uh, you know what would really hit the spot right now?
Bebe: My God, you're a machine!
Frasier: [gesturing "No, not that!"] Coffee! I meant coffee.
He moves toward the kitchen. The doorbell rings.
Bebe: I'll get it.
Frasier: Oh no, that's really not necessary—
Too late. Bebe opens the door to Niles.
Bebe: Good morning, Niles! What a lovely surprise! We were just
about to sit down to a big family breakfast. Won't you join
us?
Niles stares for a second, then tries to bypass her by emphatically
pressing the doorbell again.
Frasier: Come on in, Niles, it's all right.
He ushers Niles in and closes the door. Bebe snuggles against his
back.
Frasier: We were celebrating. You see, the station called to
renegotiate my contract.
Niles: Ah. Paid your commission up-front, I see.
Bebe: It's getting late, I'd better go freshen up. Save me a
muffin, Muffin!
She kisses his cheek and goes back to the hall. Niles is silent.
Frasier: Oh, all right, go ahead, just get your shots in!
Niles: No, no. I'm just glad your all right. I would have assumed
she killed after mating.
Martin and Daphne come out of the kitchen with breakfast.
Martin: Is she gone?
Frasier: No, no, Dad, she—she's changing. Oh God, how did this
happen?
Niles: You're asking *us*?
Frasier: Oh, I've got to talk to her, I've got to tell her this was
all just a mistake.
Daphne: Well, you'd better be careful how you let her down. She's
liable to go nuts—like in that movie—then sneak in here and
try to boil Eddie!
Martin: Look, uh, we'll clear out of here and give you a little
privacy.
Frasier: No, no, Dad, I can't tell her now. She's about to go down
to the station and renegotiate my contract. I'll tell her
later.
Martin: Oh, that's a good idea—wait till she makes you a bunch of
money, then on top of breaking her heart you can make her
feel really used.
Daphne: Sounds like a plan to me.
Bebe: [o.s.] Darling!
Niles: We'll leave you to your happy task.
Daphne, Niles, and Martin exit to the kitchen. As they go, Martin
signals to Frasier, urging him to get it over with. Bebe comes out
dressed in her suit.
Bebe: Cancel that muffin. Bebe just started a diet—Wink!
Besides, tonight we're dining at Bernardi's. It's sinfully
expensive, but after contract talks I think we can afford
it!
Frasier: Uh, Bebe—
Bebe: Yeeeeessss?
Frasier: Bebe, I don't think there are any words to describe what we
shared last night—
Bebe: It was like . . . Greco-Roman wrestling on a trampoline.
Frasier: The thing is, as magical as it was, I just don't think it's
the kind of thing we should let happen again.
Bebe: [laughing] Ooh!
Frasier: You see, I-I value you too much as a colleague to do
anything that might jeopardize that relationship.
Bebe: [smile disappears] I see.
Frasier: Oh, you're upset.
Bebe: No, I'm sure we both would have realized it was a mistake
sooner or later. Personally, I was hoping for "later" but I
suppose "sooner" is best.
Frasier: It is, it really is.
Bebe: I'd better dash, I'll call you after the meeting.
Bebe leaves. Frasier notices Eddie staring at him.
Frasier: Oh, like you never crawled under the wrong fence once in
your life!
IT'S LIKE SWAN LAKE, ONLY DEEPER
Scene Five – Café Nervosa
Frasier and Niles are seated at a table.
Niles: Frasier, have you heard a word I've said?
Frasier: Of course not, Niles. I'm still worried about Bebe.
Niles: I thought you said she took it well.
Frasier: Well, she did, but you know how it is with strong women.
Sometimes their strength masks their vulnerability. Well,
let's face it. Once a woman has dipped her toe into Crane
Lake, dry land is never the same again. They don't fall
often, but when they do, they fall hard.
Niles: Yes, she's probably home in her room writing "Mrs. Bebe
Crane" over and over in the margin of her algebra book.
Roz comes in.
Frasier: You can make light of this if you want, but it is entirely
possible that I broke that woman's heart!
Roz: Who? Whose heart did you break?
Frasier: No one! Niles, be quiet!
Roz: Oh, come on, Frasier! I'm gonna find out sooner or later.
Come on, give me a hint, just one, that's all I need.
Bulldog tears into the Café.
Bulldog: Doc! Doc! Come quick! Bebe's out on the ledge of our
building, she's threatening to jump!
Frasier: Oh my God! This is all my fault!
Frasier gets up and follows Bulldog out.
Roz: Wait! Just give me a hint!
Roz runs after them. Niles gets up, but a waiter sticks him with the
check.
Scene Six – Tom's Office
The KACL station manager's office. Bebe is standing on the window
ledge. Tom Duran [last seen in The Matchmaker] is leaning out the
window, trying to talk her in. Frasier pushes his way into the
office, followed by Roz and Bulldog.
Frasier: What happened?
Tom: I don't know. We were working on your deal, and she just
burst into tears. I went out to get some water for her.
When I came back, she's standing out there, sobbing that she
doesn't want to live!
Frasier goes to the window and gently sticks his head out.
Frasier: Bebe, it's Frasier. Please come in.
Bebe: [hysterical] It's no good! My life is over!
Bulldog pulls Frasier back in.
Bulldog: You got to save her, Doc. My contract's up in six weeks,
she's my agent too.
Frasier starts to remove his jacket and tie.
Frasier: All right, I'm going out there.
Roz: Are you nuts? That's nine stories down! You know what a
drop like that would do to you?
Frasier: No, Roz, why don't you toss a pumpkin out the window so I
have a clear image just before I try?!
Tom: Why don't we just wait for the police?
Frasier: No! No, that woman out there needs me. Bebe, I'm coming
out.
He slowly climbs out onto the ledge. Bebe edges away.
Bebe: Don't come any closer! I'll jump!
Frasier: Bebe, please—
Bebe: No, you can't help me! No one can help me!
Frasier: I'm not worth doing this over. Look, there'll be other men.
It may take time, but you'll get over me.
Bebe: [normal voice] Well, somebody certainly thinks well of
himself.
Frasier: What?
Bebe: Darling, this isn't about us! It's just a little bargaining
tactic.
Frasier's jaw drops with horror.
Bebe: I threaten to jump, you talk me down, major coverage—bang,
your price goes up twenty percent! [hysterical] My life is
meaningless! [normal] Talk to me, darling, talk to me!
Frasier: Are you out of your mind? Now listen, you're coming in,
you're coming in right now!
Bebe: [hysterical] Get away from me! You can't talk me out of
this! [normal] At least not until Channel Five gets here.
Come on, dear, make like a therapist!
Frasier: God, you *are* out of your mind! You-you need help, you
should be in therapy!
Bebe: That's good, but louder. [hysterical] Give me one reason to
live! Just one!
She pauses, and gives him a look that says "Well, come on!" Frasier
tries playing along.
Frasier: [shouting] There are . . . hundreds of reasons! Work! Art!
The people who care about you! [lowers voice] Now come in,
you crazy bitch!
Bebe just gives him a look. Frasier cringes—he's just seen the face
of the Devil. A helicopter approaches the building.
Bebe: Channel Five, come to Mama! Full coverage—now here's the
plan: I swoon forward, you reach out and catch me.
Frasier: What?
Bebe: On three. One, two . . .
Frasier: No!
Bebe: THREE!
Bebe throws herself forward. Frasier lunges to catch her. Everyone
in the office screams. Frasier teeters dangerously on the ledge for
a second, then pulls Bebe back to the window with his arms around her
waist. She flashes a grin at the helicopter.
Bebe: Film at eleven.
Frasier: Just get in here!
Bebe climbs inside, followed by Frasier.
Roz: Oh, Bebe, are you all right?
Bebe: [shaken] Yes . . . I'm fine now.
Roz: Bulldog, get her some water.
Bulldog exits. Roz and Tom sit Bebe down in a chair. She looks over
at Frasier.
Bebe: Thank you, Frasier. You saved my life.
Tom: That was incredible, Frasier. Look, uh, I know we've got
some unfinished business to take care of. But after this,
rest assured, there's no way we're gonna let you get away.
Frasier: Well . . . thank you, Tom. If I could have a moment alone
with Bebe . . .
Roz: Sure.
Roz and Tom leave the office and close the door. Bebe still has her
head lowered.
Frasier: What kind of a woman are you? You seduced me, you lied to
me, you nearly got me killed! You've shamelessly
manipulated not only me, but this station, the news media,
and the entire city of Seattle! What do you have to say for
yourself?!
Bebe looks up with her familiar confident grin.
Bebe: Aren't you glad I'm on your side?
Frasier backs away in horror—then considers the question. After all,
he's just been assured a twenty-percent raise . . .
Frasier: Yes, I . . . suppose I am.
Bebe puts her feet up on the desk.
Scene Z – Café Nervosa
Niles is alone at a table. Bebe comes into the café looking for
Frasier. Niles says she just missed him, then remembers what time it
is and points Bebe to where she can catch him. Bebe runs out of the
Café.
Niles says, "She's gone," and Frasier sticks his head up from behind
the counter.
Legal Stuff
This episode capsule is copyright 2000 by Nick Hartley, Mike Lee.
This episode summary remains property of Frasier, Copyright
of Paramount Productions and NBC. Printed without permission.
