The Unkindest Cut Of All Written by Dave Hackel
Directed by Rick Beren
=====================================================================
Production Code: 2.2
Episode Number In Production Order: XXX
Original Airdate on NBC: September 27th 1994
Episode filmed on XXX
Transcript written on June 4th 2000
Transcript {david langley}
Act 1
Scene 1 - Frasier's Apartment
"SUNDAY IN THE PARK WITH EDDIE"
[Fade in. Daphne is ironing, Martin comes from the kitchen with a
beer.]
Martin: What the hell are you doin'?
Daphne: Ironing your son's socks.
Martin: Why don't you just twist them into little balls like you do
mine?
Daphne: He says it bruises the cashmire. He likes them pressed,
folded, then neatly arranged in those sock dividers. I saw
them in a catalogue once, but couldn't imagine who in the
world would ever buy such silly things. Course I hadn't met
Dr. Crane, yet.
Martin: [sitting in his chair] I used to think there was some sort
of mix-up at the hospital. Of course, when Niles came
along, it shot that theory all to hell.
[Frasier comes in from the bedroom.]
Frasier: Oh, Dad, Dad, please. Coaster. [He puts one under the
beer.] Your beer is sweating.
Martin: So am I. You wanna shove one of those under my can?
[The doorbell rings, Frasier goes to get it.]
Daphne: If he could, he would.
[Frasier opens the door to a neighbor.]
Frasier: Oh, Mrs. Greenway! What a pleasent surprise.
Greenway: [storming in and pointing at Eddie] I knew it! That's
him!
Frasier: Won't you come in?
Greenway: I had to see him again, before I was sure, but now I'm
positive. That is the horny little mixed-breed who got my
Phoebe pregnant.
Martin: Hey, you can't just bust in here accusin' my dog!
Greenway: Oh, it's him all right! I had to keep shooing him away
from Phoebe down at the park. Look at him, he doesn't
care who's life he's ruined. All he cares about is his
own selfish pleasure!
Martin: You know what your problem is Dorathea? You got a bad
attitude.
Greenway: [heading back to the door] Oh!
Martin: That's why nobody sits with you in the park.
Frasier: Mrs. Greenway, there's no way Eddie could be the father,
he's been nuetered.
[Eddie jumps over to the couch, staring out the door.]
Greenway: [handing him a box of puppies] Oh really?! Then how do
you explain these?
Frasier: Oh, my God! They're miniature Eddies!
Daphne: Oh, aren't they adorable? Oh!
Greenway: Well I'm glad you think so, because they're yours!
Frasier: Well... Bad dog! Look what you did! [Eddie jumps back to
Martin, Frasier gives the box to Daphne.] Here, take
these. Dad, Dad, I expect an explanation. All this time
I thought Eddie had been fixed.
Martin: All you had to do was look.
Frasier: Well I am glad to say I've never been that bored.
Daphne: Oooh, couldn't you just eat 'em up?
Frasier: Oh, for God's sake, please, don't love them. They'll think
they're staying. Keep them off the couch. What were you
thinking, letting him run free in the park? Haven't you
ever seen the way he tries to romance my towel warmer?
Martin: Look, he's cooped up here all day. When we go to the
park, I let him off the leash so he can get a little
excercise.
Frasier: Apparently, that's not all he got.
Daphne: [holding out a puppy] I think I found a perfect name for
this one...
Frasier: Stop! Dogs only need names if you are planning to call
them to you, which we are not. [grabs a puppy that got
loose] Oh, now listen you, you get right back in there,
you mangy little thing. Oh, my God. All right, all right
now I've got to run down to the radio station, but believe
me we are going to be having a discussion about this when
I get...
Martin: Oh, relax, Frasier. I'll have Eddie taken care of
tomorrow.
Frasier: Yes, well you better. Now, Daphne, give me that box,
please.
Daphne: Where are you taking the puppies?
Frasier: To see if I can unload some of them down at the station.
Daphne: Oh, well, couldn't we just keep them for a while?
Frasier: No, no, we don't want them taking after their father. It
may be too late already. Oh, for God's sake, STOP STARING
AT ME!
[He leaves. Fade out.]
Scene 2 - The Radio Station
"CATWOMAN"
[Roz is on her side of the booth reading. Frasier comes in behind
her.]
Frasier: Hello, Roz, don't you look lovely...?
Roz: [not looking] I know what's in the box, and I don't want
one.
Frasier: But I didn't say anything!
Roz: Betty from accounting called to warn me. Where did you
find them, anyway?
Frasier: In my livingroom. These are Eddie's mongral seed.
[crossing to his side of the booth] You don't know anybody
that wants six puppies, do you?
Roz: Six? All right Eddie!
Frasier: Oh, please! I've been traipsing up and down the hallway
for an hour, trying to unload them; I haven't had the
slightest bit of luck.
Roz: Well, you see Frasier, not everybody likes dogs. Take me,
I'm a cat person. I mean it's not like I'd ever buy a cat
mug or a cat calender, or anything, but; I had a cat when I
was growing up. We were almost inseparable. Muffles...or
Scruffles, something like that.
Frasier: You know, Roz, it's entirely possible that there's a dog
lover inside of you that's just dying to get out. Don't
you think so? [She shakes her head, he picks up a puppy
and gives it to her.] Come on, come on, just, just take a
look, just have a look, let's have a look...
Roz: [with a melting smile and cooing] Oooh, he's adorable!
Oh, come here little fella. Oh, aren't you the cutest
little thing? Oh, oh, oh, yeah, give me a little kiss.
Oooh, I love you too! [Hands the puppy back with a
completely flat face and says deadpan] There, happy now?
Frasier: Roz! How can you just toss him aside after such a tender
display of affection?
Roz: I can do it with men, too. Come on, Frasier, it's time to
start the show.
[Frasier holds the puppy up to a man passing by the window.]
Frasier: Phil, puppy, puppy! [Phil wards him off with his hands
and keeps walking.] They're all on to me. All right, now,
you guys behave yourselves.
[He puts on his headphones and Roz cues him through the window.]
Frasier: Hello, Seattle, this is Dr. Frasier Crane coming to you
from KACL 780 talk radio. I'll be with you for the next
three hours. So Roz, who's our first caller?
Roz: We have Rita on line four, she's feeling a little
overwhelmed at home.
Frasier: Hello, Rita, I'm listening.
Rita: Yeah, Dr. Crane? Dr. Crane ... I'm I'm uh thank you for
taking my call. I, I, I tell you, I am about to lose my
mind. I am raising four kids by myself, the oldest one is
not even seven and the other three are all under five.
Between cooking and cleaning and changing diapers and
tripping over toys...I, I feel sometimes like I am about to
snap. What should I do?
Frasier: Have you considered getting a puppy?
[Roz looks at him in disbelief. Fade out.]
Scene 3 - Frasier's Apartment
"UN PEU DE PATE DERRIERE LES OREILLES"
[There is a family of four, the Thomasons, holding one of the puppies
and talking with Daphne.]
Thomason: Well, if we can't have this one, are there any other
puppies available?
Daphne: No, we found homes for all the others. But thanks for
coming over, 'bye now.
Thomason: But, the children. Dr. Crane said...
Daphne: Oh, don't get all wobbly now. There are other dogs in the
world, you know. Now give me that. [Takes the dog from
the little girl and ushers them out the door.] Thank you
for coming over, thank you.
[She closes the door behind them, Frasier comes in from the kitchen
with a tray.]
Frasier: I thought you might like some wine and pate, I made some
lemonade for the children. [notices they're gone] Where
are the Thomasons? Why is that dog still here?
Daphne: I'm sorry Dr. Crane, but they struck me as unfit guardians.
Frasier: For God's sake, he works at the zoo! She's a nurse,
Billy's an alter boy and Kathy is a Camp-Fire Girl!
Daphne: They had a dark aura.
Frasier: They had a ten acre farm. If they'd have taken me, I'd
have gone with them!
Daphne: Oh, I see! So you want me to give the little fellow away
to just anybody. [The doorbell rings.]
Frasier: Well, no, I'm not saying that. It's just that he can't
stay here.
[He answers the door. It is Niles.]
Frasier: Oh, hello, Niles. Come on in.
Niles: Hope you don't mind my stopping by, but Maris is hosting
the women's league senior yoga group and...old money and
body stockings. [He grimaces.]
Frasier: Say no more, you're welcome to hide out here.
Niles: I see the kennel is still open.
Frasier: Yes, but that's the last one. I'd even managed to find a
nice home for him, but Daphne thought the family wasn't
nice enough. Some pate Niles?
Daphne: I didn't reject them, the dog did. canines have a very
keen sense of who's a nice person and who isn't. Why,
many's the time I've chosen a man based solely on the way
me mum's springer spaniel took to them.
Frasier: Oh, Daphne, that is preposterous! Letting a dog choose
your dates?
[When the others aren't looking, Niles takes a dab of pate from his
cracker and applies it behind his ears.]
Daphne: It's true! If a dog likes a man, it's a good bet he's warm
and sensitive.
Niles: [going to the couch and taking the puppy from Daphne] You
know, I really didn't get a good look at this little tyke.
Come here, boy, come to your Uncle Niles. [The puppy
begins licking behind his ear.]
Daphne: Look at that! He's taken quite a shine to you.
Niles: Yes, happens all the time.
Frasier: Daphne, would you mind taking the dog away, please. Get
back on the phone with the Thomasons, tell them we've
reconsidered.
Daphne: All right. But only for a two week trial.
Frasier: Thank you.
Daphne: Come along, Basil.
Frasier: I told you not to name them!
[Martin comes in with Eddie.]
Niles: Oooh, hello, Dad.
Martin: Afternoon boys.
[Martin undoes Eddie's leash. He jumps on the coffee table and
scurries over to Martin's chair.]
Frasier: Dad, I seem to remember that Eddie had a little appointment
down at the vet's. Can't help but notice he still has that
certain spring in his step.
Martin: Yeah, well, we started heading down there, but the traffic
was a bear, you know. You get a sunny day in this town and
everybody forgets how to drive. [He goes into the
bathroom.]
Frasier: You are going to reschedule, aren't you?
Martin: [through the door] Oh, yeah, yeah, I'll call in the
morning.
Frasier: That's the second time you've canceled that appointment.
What seems to be the problem?
Martin: Oh, It's no problem. What's the big deal? I'll call
tomorrow. Relax, will ya?
[Eddie jumps on the couch beside Niles and begins licking behind his
other ear.]
Niles: Oh, dear God, he's licking me!
Frasier: Eddie, just stop! [He shoos Eddie away, then grabs Niles
head for a closer look.] Oh, Niles, you have liver behind
your ears.
Niles: Imagine, I must have picked up a cracker and inadverdently
scratched behind my ear.
Frasier: So you're telling me that you had a wad of cold meat behind
your ears and didn't feel it?
Niles: That's the story I'm sticking to, yes.
[Martin comes out.]
Frasier: Dad, Dad, listen: I want your assurance that you'll take
care of this.
Martin: Fine.
Frasier: You promise?
Martin: Hey! I said I'd do it a and I will. You don't have to pin
a note to my sweater, get off my back! Anybody wants me,
I'll be down at Duke's. [He leaves.]
Niles: Ever notice how much faster he moves when he's wrong?
Frasier: Apparently he's got some sort of psychological block
against taking Eddie down there. Guess I'm gonna have to
do it. Somebody has to be responsible in this family. OK,
come on, Eddie let's go. Good boy. [Eddie runs over to
the kitchen table.] Eddie? Uh, Niles... [He motions for
Niles to help him.]
Niles: [coming around the other side] Now Eddie, it's a routine
operation. They say it's almost painless, [to Frasier]
although I can't imagine...
Frasier: You know, Niles, perhaps it's best we don't discuss the
operation. We might spook him
Niles: Excuse me? Are you saying he understands me?
Frasier: Well, he understands the word B - A - T - H. God knows how
much english he's picked up.
Niles: Fine.
[He speaks in French to Frasier, who responds. They casually
approach Eddie, though one of Niles' comments ends in 'snip-snip'.]
Frasier: Oh, what are we doing? Eddie, come here! This is
ridiculous. Look at him. Oh, look at him for Pete's sake.
[Eddie races away to the bedrooms as Niles and Frasier give chase.]
Act 2
Scene 1 - The Vet's Office
"DOCTOR! NO!"
[Frasier is sitting in the reception area, Eddie is on the chair
beside him, staring at him intently.]
Frasier: What are you staring at? You know why you're here, don't
you? Well now, listen, it's for your own good. Believe me
you'll be much happier afterwords. Look, your day to day
routine it'll be exactly the same. You'll be able to
sleep, run around with your little buddies, go play in the
woods, chase the birds, lick your...did I mention sleep?
[Martin comes in the door.]
Martin: You've got a lot of nerve, you know that?! You all right
boy?
Frasier: Well of course he's all right, Dad. Why are you getting so
upset? I'm only doing this to help you out.
Martin: Oh, that's a load of crap.
Frasier: Look, we agreed that this had to be done, right? Now, you
seem to be have a problem with it, so I took charge.
Martin: Well I don't need you taking charge. Eddie's my dog, so
mind your own damn business. And here's something else you
should know: I don't need your help and I don't want it!
Frasier: Why are you so upset? It doesn't matter who brought him
down here.
Martin: Yes it does! I'm perfectly capable of taking care of him.
Just like I feed him, walk him and give him his bath! [A
man comes in and leaves the door open. Eddie runs out]
Eddie! See what you did!
Frasier: Me?!
[They rush out the door. Fade out.]
Scene 2 - The Apartment.
[Martin is on the phone.]
Martin: OK. Thanks, and oh, Daphne's here in case anybody sees him.
[hangs up] I got the guys at the station circulating
Eddie's picture. I'm gonna go out and look for him so more.
[Daphne comes out of the kitchen with a tray.]
Daphne: Oh, come on, now. You've done enough. Why don't you just
sit still and drink your tea?
Martin: I hate tea!
Daphne: Humor me. In an emergency, it's all I know how to do.
Martin: That's a real comfort coming from a health care provider.
[Frasier comes in the front door. Martin and he share an
uncomfortable look.]
Frasier: Dad, I'm sorry. There was no luck at the pound. They said
they'd call if they find a dog matching Eddie's
description. [spotting a flier by the phone] A five
hundred dollar reward for Eddie?! [off of Martin's glare]
Sure it's enough?
Martin: Right now it's about five hundred more than I'd pay to get
you back.
Frasier: Look, Dad, I said I was sorry.
Martin: Well, I just can't sit here. I'm goin' back to the park.
Frasier: The park again? What makes you think he's gonna show up
there?
Martin: Because that's his hang out. Didn't you ever have a place
like that? A place where you went to meet women, a place
where you got lucky?
Frasier: Well, I suppose so, yeah.
Martin: Didn't you go back?
Frasier: [with feigned enthusiasm] To the park!
Martin: This time we'll comb every inch of that place. Every tree,
every bush...uh, Daphne, we're gonna need more help, so
call Niles and tell him we'll pick him up.
Frasier: Oh, yes, wouldn't want to go out in the wilds without one
of the worlds great outdoorsmen!
Daphne: [holding her head] Oh, this is odd. I just got one of me
psychic flashes. It's about Eddie.
Martin: Well?
Daphne: It doesn't make any sense. All I'm getting is a picture of
Eddie sitting with Dr. Crane.
[Cut to - a bus bench with an ad for Frasier's show. Eddie is
sitting on it, staring at Frasier's picture. Fade out.]
Scene 3 - The Park
"THE STAKEOUT"
[Martin is sitting in Frasier's car, Frasier climbs in.]
Martin: Any luck?
Frasier: I couldn't find him.
Martin: Where's Niles?
Frasier: Ah, we split up to cover more ground.
Martin: Well, scrunch down. If Eddie comes back and sees you here,
he'll run away again.
[Fraser hunkers down in the seat with an embarrased look on his
face.]
Frasier: You know Dad, I just developed a very intersting theory
about you...
Martin: [sarcastic] If I begged you, would you share it with me?
Frasier: If that's your attitude, just forget it!
[The car phone rings and Frasier answers it.]
Frasier: Hello? ... Oh, Niles!
Martin: Did he find him?!
Frasier: Just a second, Niles, let me put you on speaker-phone here.
Hang on. [he sets the phone down] OK, go ahead, Niles.
Niles: [from the phone] I'm out here in the middle of the park
and I'm lost! Thank God for my cellular!
Martin: Did you see Eddie?
Niles: No, but I thought I saw a racoon. When I stopped running,
I had no idea where I was. You've got to help me!
Frasier: All right, all right, Niles, just, just remain calm. Let
me think back to my Boy Scout training. [opens the car
sun-roof] All right, now, we're on the northeast corner of
the park...all right, look into the heavens and see if you
can spot the North Star. Then you want to turn twelve
degrees to your right...
Martin: Oh, for God's sake, just walk towards the horn. [begins
honking]
Niles: I hear it! I hear it, Dad! I'm walking.
Martin: All right, just keep following it. [honks again]
Niles: I see a grove of trees, and a fountain, and a horrible,
wretched huntchback old man! Stay away from me! No, no,
it was just a bush. OK, OK, things are begining to look
familiar now. Keep honking. I think I'm homing in. Yes,
I'm quite sure this is the way. [He climbs into the back
seat.] OK, you can hang up now. That was a harrowing
experience!
Martin: Yeah, a shrub and a raccoon in one night and you lived to
tell about it.
Niles: Dad, I'm sorry I couldn't find Eddie. I hope you'll
understand, I think I'd like to go home now and hold my
wife. That is if she'll let me. I'll just hail a cab.
Frasier: Be sure to call us from the curb when you get there, so we
know you're safe.
[Niles gets out.]
Martin: Hey, you're probably tired too. If you want to go with
him, that's OK.
Frasier: No, that's all right Dad. I'll stay for a little while
longer.
Martin: Look, I'm sorry I cut you off like that before, I've just
never gone in for that psychological mumbo-jumbo. Probably
started back on the force when they'd make us go see The
Squirrel.
Frasier: Who?
Martin: Dr. Bergman, the department shrink. We called him 'The
Squirrel' 'cause guys got sent to him when they got
squirrely. He'd show you a bunch of ink-blots and ask
about your toilet habits... If I wanted to talk about
toilet habits, I woulda stayed partners with Nate
Dombrowski. We nicknamed him 'The Big...'
Frasier: Thank you!
Martin: Look, it wasn't just Eddie I was mad about. Eddie was the
straw that broke the camel's back. Seems like I'm always
being told to take my feet off the furniture, put a coaster
under my beer, turn the TV down... I used to make the
rules, and now I have to follow them. This makin' any
sense to you?
Frasier: From a psychological standpoint, it makes perfect sense.
Slowly, over the years, your responsibilities have been
taken away from you, and you, well, you feel symolicly
castrated.
Martin: Oh, why does everything with you shrinks start in the
crotch?
Frasier: All right, all right. Well, maybe my rules are too rigid.
Maybe I should try to relax a little.
Martin: No, no. Hey, it's your house, you do what you want. I
don't know what's buggin' me. I guess it's not easy for a
guy like me to not be in charge.
Frasier: You know, Dad, a lot of people confuse not being in charge
with not being respected. I hope you're not making that
mistake, because you command a great deal of respect.
There's not a day in my life when I don't hold myself up to
the Martin Crane yardstick. I guess a son always wants to
make his father proud.
Martin: Yeah, I guess.
Frasier: So...?
Martin: Yeah, yeah, you're doin' fine. [mutterning] Even if you
are a big pain in the ass.
Frasier: You know, I'm not sure I could have made Eddie go through
with that operation, anyway. That's a tough thing for a
guy to do to another guy.
Martin: Amen to that.
[Eddie jumps up on the trunk of the car, Frasier spots him in the
rear-view mirror.]
Frasier: You know what? It's getting kinda late. What do you say
we go home and get some sleep?
[Eddie barks.]
Martin: [opening his door] Eddie! Hey, hey, come here boy!
[Eddie jumps in and sits on his lap.] Hey, atta boy! Hey,
good to see you fella, how ya doin'? It might be nice if
you welcomed him back.
Frasier: Hello, Eddie. Good dog, oh, wet dog!
Martin: Yeah, you're shivering! [grabs some clothing from the back
seat and wraps it around Eddie] Here, we gotta get you
warmed up!
Frasier: Dad! That's a hundred percent cashmire pull-over! [Martin
glares at him.] It's meant to be worn with the collar up.
[He adjusts it on Eddie. Fade out.]
Credits:
Back in the vet's waiting room. Frasier, Martin and Niles are all
there with Eddie. The nurse calls to them but they don't move. She
comes around the counter, picks Eddie up and takes him back to the
operating areas, Eddie looking back over her shoulder at the men.
The guys have their hands in their laps and looks of sympathy and
nervosnous on their faces. Together they cross their legs.
Legal Stuff
This episode capsule is copyright 2000 by Nick Hartley, David
Langley. This episode summary remains property of Frasier, Copyright
of Paramount Productions and NBC. Printed without permission.
