The Club Written by Elias Davis &
David Pollock
Directed by David Lee
=====================================================================
Production Code: 2.18.
Original Airdate on NBC: 21st March 1995
Transcript written on 9th August 1999
Quotes & Scene Summary {Brandon Westerheim}
Act One.
Scene 1:
INT, THE RADIO STATION DJ BOOTH.
Frasier: Well, we have time for one more call. Roz, who've we got?
Roz: We have Sid in Bremerton on three.
Frasier: Hello, Sid. I'm listening.
Sid: [stiltedly] Hello, Dr. Crane. I have a terrible fear of
talking on the phone to people I do not know. I freeze up.
It is a severe handicap in today's fast paced, highly
competitive world.
Frasier: Sid, are you reading what you're saying?
Sid: Uh... [shuffling papers] Yes, I am. The only way I can
comfortably communicate on the phone is to write everything
out I wish to say in advance.
Frasier: But what if someone asks you a question you haven't
anticipated?
Sid: uhhhh... [shuffling papers] Thank you, Dr. Crane, for your
most insightful comment. G-Goodbye. [hangs up]
Frasier: Wait, Sid! Sid, if you're listening, your insecurity is
rooted in your fear of making a mistake. In order to beat
this thing, you're going to have to practice, and you have
to work on it very hard. Then, one day, you too may achieve
the command and confidence to which we all aspire to...be
having. [confused look] ... This is Dr. Frasier Crane,
wishing you good mental health.
Frasier gets up and walks into Roz's booth.
Roz: That was a show good, Frasier.
Frasier: Thank you, Roz.
Niles enters the booth.
Niles: Knock, knock!
Frasier: Oh, Niles:! What are you doing here?
Niles: Oh, just stopped by to see how you'd like to go to lunch
next week at the Empire Club.
Frasier: You know someone who's a member?
Niles: No, but you may.
Frasier: What are you up to?! You have that same smug look you had
on you're face when you found Kirsten Flagstad's 1932
Gotterdammerung in the discount bin.
Frasier walks into his booth. Niles follows.
Niles: If you think I look smug now, wait till you see me next week.
If all goes well, my lapel will be sagging under the weight of
a solid gold membership pin.
Roz enters Frasier's booth.
Roz: Well, you'll certainly fit in with all those greedy,
arrogant, blue bloods who wouldn't cross the street to spit
on the rest of us.
Niles: Don't jinx it Roz:, I'm not in yet. There's still the
cocktail party next week where they screen prospective
members, and from what I hear, those can be grueling.
Frasier: So, how did this all come about?
Niles: Oh, really I give the credit to Maris; she spent five years
carefully cultivating the right relationships until finally
this week, fortune smiled upon us. Old Judge Clemence
suffered a massive stroke, and, lo! a vacancy opened up.
Frasier: Gives new meaning to the phrase "stroke of luck."
Niles chuckles.
Niles: It gets better! There are actually two vacancies, so my
chances are double. Edgar van Cortland has been indicted in
that Savings and Loans scandal. Frasier, I think my time
has come.
Frasier: Well, I'm very happy for you.
Niles: That's very generous of you, especially knowing that you've
always dreamed of a membership yourself. A lesser man would
be jealous. [Beat] You're not, are you?
Frasier: Not at all.
Niles: Did I mention that they have a planetarium on the third
floor?
Frasier: So?!
Niles: I think my work here is done.
Niles exits. Frasier picks up his briefcase and walks into Roz's
booth.
Roz: So, Niles is getting into the Empire Club?
Frasier: Well, it would appear so.
Roz: It's eating you up inside, isn't it?
Frasier: Like a carnivorous bacteria. If he gets into that club I
should too!
Roz: [picking up phone and dialing] Well, what if I happen to
know someone very high up who could probably get you invited
to that cocktail party?
Frasier: Oh Roz, don't toy with me!
Roz: [into phone] Mr. Strickland, please. Just tell him it's
Roz.
Frasier: Walter Strickland, Jr?!
Roz: Senior.
Frasier: [Gasps] Roz, how did you get to know someone so important?
Roz: The less you know the happier you'll be.
SCENE 2
INT. Frasier's Apartment.
Daphne is ironing clothes on the dining table. Martin enters with
Eddie.
Martin: I think I need more comfortable shoes. My dogs are killing
me.
Daphne: Pardon?
Martin: My dogs. My feet. What do you call them in England?
Daphne: Well, we mostly call our body parts by their rightful name.
Except me uncle Harold. He named parts of his anatomy after
the royal family. He walked on the Queen's pins, he sat on
the Duchess of Kent. He was quite a jolly fellow. That is,
until Aunt Kate caught him introducing the Prince of Wales to
a cocktail waitress.
Frasier enters, wearing a tux.
Frasier: Daphne, are you almost finished with that?
Daphne: Yes I am, Dr. Crane. You'll have the handsomest midriff at
the Club tonight.
Daphne gives Frasier the freshly ironed cummerbund.
Frasier: Thank you. I hope my date concurs.
Martin: Who're ya taking to this shindig?
Frasier: Dr. Susan Anderson. She's as boring as unbuttered toast,
but she's a brilliant physician, and socially well
connected.
Martin: Isn't Niles a little ticked off at you hornin' in on his big
party?
Frasier: Yes, he was, at first. But, I convinced him that we could
be of help to each other. If we work together, we can
secure both vacancies.
Martin: Boy, you and Niles have been the same since you were kids.
If one of you has something, the other one always has to
have it too. [The doorbell rings] I had to buy two
Balinese lutes, two decoupage kits, two pairs of lederhosen.
When you finally moved out of the house that was one
embarrassing garage sale.
Frasier answers the door. It is Niles, who is also wearing a tuxedo.
Frasier: Hello, Niles.
Niles: Ready to go?
Frasier: No, actually, I'm still waiting on Susan; she's at the
hospital.
Martin: Where's Maris?
Niles: She stayed in the Mercedes, practicing her vivacious
giggle... Let's go over our strategy. I've prepared a crib
sheet on each person on the membership committee.
Frasier and Niles sit on the couch.
Frasier: Hmm... School ties... business affiliations... hobbies...
mistresses.
Niles: Oh oh oh! Now I've also done some research on our
competition, and frankly, I don't think we have to worry.
One of them flies coach. [They both chuckle
condescendingly]
Frasier: We're as good as in! ... Unless, Oh Niles! I just had a
terrifying thought. What if some other candidate has gone
to the trouble of researching... the skeletons in our own
closets?
Frasier and Niles slowly look to Martin:, who is opening a beer.
Beer sprays all over his face, after which he attempts to wipe it off
with his shirt.
Niles: Well, that's as bad as it gets.
Frasier: I wouldn't be so sure. I don't think the membership
committee would look kindly on your being arrested for
mooning President Nixon at the campaign rally.
Niles: I was young and firm and in love with an anarchist.
Besides, that's pretty minor compared to you suicide
attempt.
Frasier: [indignantly] It was not a legitimate attempt. I only
stepped out on that ledge to get Lilith's attention.
The phone rings.
Niles: [getting up] Oh, you know Frasier, perhaps Maris and I
should head on over without you. We can't have the other
candidates getting a leg up on us.
Frasier: Oh, that's a good idea, Niles. I'll see you there.
Niles: Alright. Bye, Dad.
Martin: Good Luck.
Niles exits.
Frasier: [answering phone] Hello? ... Oh! Susan, Susan! I've been
expecting you. Are you in the car? ... Oh no, you're still
at the hospital... Well, of course I understand. Well, you
were a sweetheart to agree to go in the first place. I'll
call you tomorrow. [hangs up]...fat chance.
Martin: Stood you up, huh?
Frasier: This is disastrous!
Martin: Well, just go stag.
Frasier: No, I've RSVP'd for two; I'll look like some loser who
couldn't even scrape up a date.
Martin: Wait a minute. What are we worried about? We've got our
very own Cinderella right under this roof.
Daphne enters, heading for the kitchen.
Daphne: Well, that's the last time I try to get grout out without
wearing rubber gloves. I've got so much gunk under me nails
it looks like I've been wormin' a pig.
Martin: Trust me, the English accent'll sell it. [Frasier looks
dubious]
SCENE 3
A BLACK SCREEN. IN WHITE LETTERS APPEARS "THE CRANE SCRUTINY"
INT.
THE EMPIRE CLUB
Frasier and Daphne enter a very luxuriously furnished club. Men in
crisp tuxedos mingle, drinking expensive liqueurs. Frasier is
dazzled by the opulence of the club.
Frasier: Oh... Oh yes... It's everything I've ever imagined it would
be and more!
Daphne: What's that smell, Dr. Crane?
Frasier sniffs the air.
Frasier: [Breathlessly] That's power..... Oh! Daphne, listen, call me
Frasier; I don't want people to know you work for me. If
they ask, we've been dating for six months.
Daphne: Alright, Frasier. [she laughs] Anything else, Frasier?
Now, are we in love, or is this just a physical thing,
Frasier? [She grins]
Frasier: Oh, just stop that!
Frasier and Daphne walk in arm in arm. Suddenly they spot Niles, who
rushes over to greet them.
Frasier: [cont.] Niles:! How goes the chase?
Niles: Brilliantly! [he sees Daphne:] [breathlessly] Daphne!
Daphne: Evening, Dr. Crane.
Niles: What are you doing here?
Daphne: Oh, Frasier takes me everywhere, don't you sweetheart?... I
think I'll go sample some of the hors d'oeuvres. Back in a
minute, darling.
Niles: Sweetheart? Darling?
Frasier: Listen, my date canceled; Daphne's filling in. You don't
actually think that I would end up going with Daphne..
Niles: Well, you are a man. She is a goddess...whose bedroom is,
after all, only forty-one steps from your own.
Frasier: On a completely unrelated topic, where's Maris?
Niles: The last I saw her she was apologizing to one of the other
candidate's wife. Apparently, Maris bumped a while chafing
dish of crab meet into the poor woman's decolletage.
Frasier: Accidents will happen.
Niles: As long as they keep the hors d'oeuvres flowing they will.
Frasier feels the back of one of the leather armchairs.
Frasier: My god!... Niles! ... Feel this leather! I have had pudding
stiffer than this!
Niles: Oh! Frasier! [points to a man filling a pipe nearby] Kenneth
Spencer!
Frasier and Niles get out a small blue index card, read its contents,
and stroll over to Kenneth Spencer.
Frasier: Yes, Niles, I'm sure it was very satisfying being Phi Beta
Kappa at Yale, but surely you would have been happier to
wear the orange and black of Princeton.
Kenneth Spencer overhears and looks up suddenly.
Niles: Of course, anyone who's anyone went to Princeton.
Spencer: Excuse me, I'm Kenneth Spencer. I couldn't help but to
overhear you. As it happens, I went to Princeton.
F and N: [seemingly surprised] No!
Niles: What are the odds?
Frasier: I'm Dr. Frasier Crane, and this is my brother, Dr. Niles:
Crane, the eminent psychiatrist.
Niles: My brother is too kind. He was already eminent when my
eminence was merely imminent.
Daphne approaches.
Daphne: Here, try this caviar, Frasier.
Frasier: Thanks.
Daphne: I'm sorry it took so long, but I met the most charming
gentleman, Edgar Van Cortland.
Frasier: Van Cortland? I thought he lost his membership in the S and
L scandal.
Spencer: Actually, he was acquitted of all charges and reinstated
in the club.
Frasier: Oh, he was innocent.
Spencer: No, just acquitted.
Niles: So does that mean there's only one membership?
Spencer: Yes. Oh, but not to worry; one of you should be
selected. You can always bring the other along as a guest.
Niles: Well, if only one of us can be honored with a membership, I
hope it will be you, Frasier.
Spencer: That's a very noble sentiment.
Niles: Well, I know how much it means to him. We can't risk
another splashy suicide attempt.
Frasier: That's very amusing, Niles, using humor to defuse a tense
situation. I'm sure that stood you in good stead when you
were in prison for threatening the president.
Drake: [from across the room] Kenneth!
Spencer: Excuse me.
Kenneth Spencer exits. Niles and Frasier began bickering furiously.
Daphne finally stops them.
Daphne: Oh, stop it! Do you intend to stand there running each
other down and ruin both your chances?!
Frasier: No.
Niles: No, of course you're right.
Daphne: Thank You.
A waiter approaches them.
Waiter: Cocktails, gentlemen?
Frasier: Yes, I'd like two ounces of your finest 18-year-old Lowland
single malt scotch.
Drake: [Sitting in one of the armchairs] Now there's a
discriminating choice.
Niles: Yes, my brother has an extensive knowledge of fine wines and
spirits, undoubtedly acquired during the years when he was
shacked up with a bar maid.
Niles hurries off. Frasier smiles at Drake, who is the club president, and chases after Niles.
End Of Act One.
Act Two.
SCENE 1
INT, CAFE NERVOSA
Frasier and Roz are sitting at a table in the corner. Niles enters and takes a table, and apparently does not notice Frasier.
Frasier: Don't look at him! Pretend we don't even see him.
Roz: Real mature, Frasier:.
Frasier: Thanks to that back stabber, I'll never get to say that
phrase I've been rehearsing for a lifetime... "If you need
me, I'll be at my club."
Roz: Frasier, this is so boring! Don't you both owe each other
an apology?
Frasier: Well, yes, but I was the first to apologize last time... Oh
wait! That means it's his turn! Oh goody! I can be mature
about this.
Frasier gets up and slowly walks over to Niles' table.
Frasier: Niles.
Niles: Frasier.
Frasier: After last night's behavior, I believe that an apology is in
order.
Niles: I agree... Well?
Frasier: Well what?
Niles: It's your turn. I apologized first last time.
Frasier: So you did. Then it's my turn again... Damn! [he pauses]
I'm sorry.
Niles: Me too!
They both begin to apologize to each other profusely.
Frasier: I can't believe we just turned on each other like that.
Niles: It was embarrassing. My only excuse is that all my life I
have dreamed about belonging to an exclusive club like the
Empire. Even as a child, when I formed clubs with my teddy
bears there were always two or three who didn't make the
cut.
Niles' cell phone rings.
Niles: [to phone] Hello? ... Yes, this is Dr. Crane... [To
Frasier:] It's the club. [to phone] Yes? I see. Well, thank
you for considering me. If you care to speak to my brother
he's right here. [he hands the phone to Frasier:]...be
gracious.
Frasier: [Dejectedly] Hello. Yes, I see. Thank you very much for
calling. Goodbye. [he hangs up and stares at the table]
Niles: Don't let it get you down. We got along fine without them
before and we'll get along fine now. [Frasier is
silent]... We are getting along without them, aren't we?
Frasier: Niles:...
Niles: Oh my god! You got in... [he pauses] Congratulations...I'd
better go break the news to Maris. [he gets up]
Frasier: Believe me, Niles, your getting passed up like this has
drained every drop of joy from this.
Niles: Thank you. You're a good brother.
Niles exits the Cafe.
Frasier: Yes!!! I got in! I got in! Shout it from the rooftops!
Lattes for everyone! This is the proudest day of my life!
Niles has reentered the cafe to get his coat and sees Frasier rejoicing. He gives him an icy glare.
Frasier: [touches Niles' hand] Of course, what really matters is
family.
Niles disgustedly takes Frasier's hand off of his own and exits.
SCENE 2
INT, FRASIER'S KITCHEN
Martin is dangling a piece of meat above Eddie.
Martin: Beg! Come on, boy, we've been working on this. Beg!
Eddie stays sitting and does nothing.
Martin: Sit!... Good boy! [he gives him the meat]
Frasier enters the kitchen.
Frasier: Dad, what are you doing?
Martin: I'm teaching Eddie a new trick.
Frasier: With my $26 a pound imported prosciuto?!
Martin: Aww, wait'll you see it. It's worth it!
Frasier leaves the kitchen. Martin follows.
Frasier: Not unless he can sing the love duet from Tosca.
Martin: Where ya going?
Frasier: [getting his coat] To the Empire Club. I've come to a moral
decision. I'm going to insist they give Niles my
membership.
Martin: [sitting down in his chair] Wow! That's a hell of a
gesture.
Frasier: I put myself in Niles' place. After all, he spent the last
fifteen years diligently trying to climb Seattle's social
ladder, then I waltz in and within two years I'm known
throughout the city. To top it all off, I end up grabbing
the prize he's wanted most of all. It just isn't fair.
Martin: You're a good kid, Frasier.
Frasier: Thank you, Dad... [Daphne enters, carrying a laundry basket]
Might as well say this while I still can.... "If anyone
needs me...I'll be at my club."
Frasier exits.
Daphne: Give me you're shirt. I'm not going down without a full
load. [Martin takes off his shirt] Have you got anything
white?
Martin: Yeah, but you're not getting 'em.
The doorbell rings and Daphne answers it. Niles is at the door.
Daphne: Hello, Dr. Crane.
Niles: Hello Daphne. Hello, Dad.
Martin: Niles.
Niles: Just passed Frasier: in the hall. Where was he off to?
Martin: Went to the Club.
Niles dejectedly feigns laughter.
Niles: No wonder he was evasive. I hope you don't mind my stopping
by. Just had to get out of the house. Lord knows I had no
place else to go. [he collapses on the couch.]
Martin: You know, Niles, you may get into that club yet.
Niles begins to chuckle but stops and lifts his head.
Niles: What are you talking about?
Martin: That's why Frasier went down there; to tell them to give his
spot to you.
Niles: [sits up] Dad, is this one of your sick jokes?
Martin: I thought you'd be happy! He's giving up his own membership.
Niles gets up angrily.
Niles: What exactly do you think I'd be happy about?! This is
humiliating; My big brother going down there to make them
take me?!
Martin: Well, his heart's in the right place. You could show a
little gratitude.
Niles: Dad, they made their decision. If they didn't take me on my
own merits I certainly don't want them to take me out of
pity. I don't care if they invite me now, I don't even care
if they beg!
Eddie suddenly gets up on his hind legs and starts to beg.
Martin: Good boy!
Niles exits.
A BLACK SCREEN. IN WHITE LETTERS APPEARS "HE AIN'T HEAVY, HE'S MY
BROTHER."
SCENE 3
INT. THE EMPIRE CLUB
Frasier is once again at the Empire Club. He sees a butler.
Frasier: Excuse me, is the club president here?
Butler: Yes, Dr. Crane. Mr. Drake, is over there. [Points to a
slightly elderly gentleman sitting in one of the central
leather armchairs.]
Frasier: Thank you.
Frasier walks over to Mr. Drake.
Frasier: Excuse me, Mr. Drake?
Drake: Yes?
Frasier: Dr. Frasier Crane.
Drake: [Gets up and shakes hand with Frasier] Oh yes! The new
blood. Please, sit down.
Frasier: Sir, I've come here on a matter of personal business. It's
about my brother, Niles, you see. Niles is, [sinking into
chair] ohh... Ohhhh! This leather is as soft as a baby's
bottom!
Drake: Yes, on family night we bring the babies in and do a
blindfold comparison test.
Frasier looks incredulous.
Drake: [Sternly] That's a joke, Crane.
Frasier: [Suddenly laughing] Oh, yes! Yes indeed. Darned good one
too, Sir. As I was saying, although my brother may be a bit
priggish at times, believe me, he's one of the most
discriminating people I've ever known. In fact, I think
you'd be hard pressed to find a bigger snob in this room.
The waiter approaches, carrying a tray containing two glasses and a
bottle of Port.
Waiter: Excuse me, Sir, I thought you might enjoy a glass of port.
Frasier: [Reading label] 1896?!!
Drake: What are you trying to say, Crane?
Frasier: [Raises his glass] Glad to be aboard, Sir!... No no no... I
came down here to simply say that my brother deserves
membership more than I do, an I would like to step down in
his favor.
Drake: Are you serious?
Frasier: Yes, Yes I am... After all, blood is thicker than port.
[sips the port] ....I stand corrected!!
Drake: Let me be candid with you, Crane. We all liked your
brother, but some were quite firm about accepting somebody
in the entertainment business. I'm afraid Radio
Psychiatrist falls into that category.
Frasier: Radio psychiatrist?...but Niles... [Niles enters just in
time to here this:] Mr. Drake, there's been a terrible
mistake.
Niles: No, Frasier:, there hasn't.
Frasier gets up hurriedly.
Frasier: Niles!
Niles: Dad told me you'd be here, trying to get me into your snooty
little club. Well, you needn't bother.
Frasier: Niles! You don't understand!
Niles: No, you don't understand! You don't need to be the big
brother anymore. I don't need you to fight my battles!
Frasier: But Niles!
Niles: No, butt out!
Frasier: Okay....
Niles: [to Mr. Drake] And, as for you, you've made it quite clear
how you feel about me, so I'd like to share how I feel about
you. I'd sooner spend my leisure time in a smelly bus
station than spend one moment with you smug, elitist,
bigwigs, with your cliched oriental carpets and your
overstuffed chairs [feels chair] My God! It's like a baby's
bottom!... You can't reject me, because I reject you, Fuzzy!
I prefer to remain Niles Crane, Every man. [He throws his
arm over the waiter's shoulders] Friend of the average Joe.
Frasier: Niles, they got our names mixed up. I didn't get in, you
did.
Niles: What?
Frasier: It was you they wanted all along.
Niles: Really? I'm in? ... [to butler] Good God, don't just stand
there, man, fetch me some port and step lively!
Drake: [to waiter] Will you escort these gentlemen out.
Niles: Oh no no no no... [sits in chair, and begins to rub his
cheek on the wing] You can't think I meant those things that
I was saying before.
Waiter: Excuse me, Sir, but I'm afraid I must ask you to leave.
Niles: [Stands up defiantly] You and who else?
A very large butler taps Niles on the shoulder. Niles turns around.
Niles: Ah...
Frasier: Niles, come along. We don't need this club. Let us leave
with the dignity with which we came.
Niles: But, but no... There's, there's been a misunderstanding!
[the large butler picks Niles up and begins to carry him
out] I do want to be one of you. Perhaps you could put me
on probation; I could just come part time, or perhaps
afternoons, or just one afternoon. Thursday's a slow day!
I wouldn't even have to talk to anyone. I could just sit in
a chair and not say a word! Please! Please! Oh, let me
stay! [he frantically grabs the doorjamb as he is escorted
out] I belong here!
Credits:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM
Frasier is relaxed on the couch, reading a paper. Eddie is on his
hind legs, begging. Frasier gives him a piece of meat, yet Eddie
does not stop. Frasier angrily throws the entire tray of meat on the
floor and continues to read.
Legal Stuff
This episode capsule is copyright 1999 by Nick Hartley. This episode
summary remains property of Frasier, Copyright of Paramount
Productions and NBC. Printed without permission.
