Daphne's Room Written by Linda Morris
(a.k.a "A Room With A View") & Vic Rauseo
Directed by David Lee
=====================================================================
Production Code: 2.17.
Original Airdate on NBC: 28th February 1995.
Transcript written on 19th February 1999.
Quotes and Scene Summary {nicholas hartley}
TO GO BODLY WHERE
NO MAN HAS GONE BEFORE
Act One. In Frasier's main room, he is searching for a book. He
checks on the shelf, on the table and in the piano stool. He soon
realises that nobody else is home, and begins to play a classical
tune on the piano. He then sits down, knowing no-one else will hear,
and plays a favourite rock and roll tune of his, "Great Balls Of
Fire". He sings along and even spins around on his stool. However,
when Niles and Martin walk in on him, he pretends he was playing a
classical tune, which he goes back to. Martin and Niles sit down.
Martin: [to Niles:] I still think you're making too big a deal out
of this!
Niles: Dad, I have never seen Maris this angry, I swear, her eye
was twitching like a frog in a science experiment.
Martin: Well when your mother'd get mad at me, I'd just grab her,
bend her backwards, and give her a kiss which made her glad
she was a woman!
Niles: I can't do that with Maris, she has an abnormally rigid
verterbrate, she'd snap like a twig!
Frasier: Let me guess, Maris has moved into the east wing again?
Niles: Sunday was her 40th birthday. She said in no uncertain terms
she wanted no acknowledgement of it whatsoever, and in a
moment I lived over and over in my dreams I believed her.
Frasier: What no gifts? No party? No nothing?
Niles: Say that weeping into an erman lap robe and you've got her
down perfectly.
Martin: Oh, why don't you just get her a nice bottle of perfume.
Niles: She gets hypes.
Martin: How about candy?
Niles: Hypoglycaemic.
Martin: Just get her a dozen roses.
Niles: Allergic.
Frasier: Well listen Niles, why don't you just sit her down and have
a little talk, tell it was a mistake. We all noticed she's a
bit touchy about her age, even though it's not the first
time she's turned forty. [Martin and Frasier laugh]
Niles: I know, I'll throw a great big party for her this weekend,
It'll be a costume ball with a Louis Quatorze theme right
down to the powdered wigs and the crushed velvet pantaloons.
May I presume you're both coming down with colds? [Martin
and Frasier give violent coughs] And so it goes. [exits
through front door]
Frasier: Listen dad, you didn't happen to find a book lying around
here, the station manager loaned it to me and I promised I'd
return it today.
Martin: What's it called?
Frasier: "The Life And Times Of Sir Herbert Beerborn Treig", it's a
stunningly witty history of the English theatre.
Martin: [sarcastic:]Oh OK, you caught me, I got it hidden under my
pillow!
Frasier: Dad, you could at least try to be a little bit helpful, I
promised him I'd return it today.
Martin: Well ask Daphne when she comes in. She was looking for
something too put her to sleep last night, that book sounds
like it could put her into a coma.
Martin exits and Frasier is left alone. After mulling it over in his
head he decides to go into Daphne's room and retrieve it. He enters
cautiously being careful not to knock anything over. He picks up the
book and is just about to leave when something catches his eye. He
sees that Daphne has kept a lot of photos on her cabinet. He picks
one up to look at it more closely, it is Daphne will Prince Charles.
He has a look at some trinkets before moving to the other side of
the room. He picks up an alarm clock in the shape of a "Tellytubby"
and shakes it a little. Spotting a bottle of pills he picks them up
and moves over to the light so he can read the label. At that moment
Daphne walks in, nervously he puts them out of view into his pocket.
Daphne: Dr. Crane!
Frasier: Daphne.
Daphne: What are you doing in my room?
Frasier: Look, I thought you were out, not that I make a habit of
coming in here when you're out! Well I thought I came in to
get my book which I have, see. [laughs nervously] Well, I'll
just be going me and my book. See Frasier go. [exits]
That evening, Niles is on the phone to Maris at Frasier's apartment.
Frasier and Martin are sitting at the dinner table.
Niles: [into phone:] Nadia, you tell Mrs. Crane I want to speak to
her and don't take no for an answer! [wait] Well then, you
tell her that Dr. Crane says...[so Frasier and Martin can't
hear] please, please, please, please, please, please,
please, please, please, please. [Niles puts the phone down]
Martin: Maris hung up on you huh?
Niles: No, now she's got Nadia doing her dirty work. Nadia's Maris'
hatchet maid.
Martin: What happened to that Louis the French guy birthday party?
Niles: Disaster there too! Maris reminded me that an entire branch
of her family tree were slaughtered by the Juggernauts.
Frasier: Well let us just forget about Maris for the time being,
shall we. Sit down and have a nice meal in a convivial
atmosphere.
Daphne walks in with a lump of cold meat on a board. She slams it
down in front of Frasier and walks out again.
Niles: What is she mad about?
Martin: Beats me!
Daphne: [entering with onions and carrots:] Here's your favourite,
Mr. Crane, cream onions. [hands them to Martin] And, Dr.
Crane, I've made my special glazed carrots just for you.
Niles: Thank you. [takes them from her]
Daphne: [to Frasier:] You. Carve! [she forces a knife into the meat]
Martin: Well we don't know what she's mad at, but we sure as hell
know who!
Daphne: If anyone needs me, I'll be eating in my room. [to Frasier:]
You know where that is! [exits]
Martin: What did you do?
Frasier: This morning, I went into her bedroom.
Niles: [with mock shock:] Frasier, how could you? No matter how
irristable the urge to venture down that hallway, to press
your face against that door [trailing off:], to actually
feel the grain of the wood against your cheak. It must be
fought! It must be..
Frasier: Oh Niles! I simply went in there to retrieve my book.
Martin: You're not supposed to go in there!
Frasier: Why the big deal?
Martin: Do you ever see her leave her door open? She doesn't like
people going in there.
Frasier: She goes into my room all the time, and it doesn't bother
me.
Martin: Women are different.
Frasier: Dad, that's sexism talking.
Martin: No, that's thirty-five years of marriage talking. Women
protect their privacy. You know how they are about their
handbags. You never go in there! It's always "bring me my
purse". The husband could say "honey, I'm being robbed, the
guy's holding a gun to my head and I don't have any money"
the wife'd say "bring me my purse".
Niles: Dad, as usual, your simple home-spun wisdom has quipped the
baloon of Frasier's pomposity.
Martin: [to Frasier:] Now you were wrong, so go on in there and
apologise. Go on!
Frasier: Alright! I'll go into Daphne's room and I will apologise to
her. [Niles follows him] Alone Niles!
Daphne is eating her dinner at her desk. There is a knock at the
door.
Daphne: [nicely:] Yes.
Frasier: Daphne, it's Dr. Crane.
Daphne: [angry:] Yes!
Frasier: Could you open the door please. [Daphne opens the door a
crack and stares straight at him, even worse then Eddie] I,
I behaved very insensitively this morning. And I did need
the book but it was wrong of me to go in without your
permission. [she just stares] And I'm sorry. [She stares
without saying a single word] It'll never happen again. [she
stares] Ever. [she stares] I'm being very nice. [she stares]
Well, good night Daphne. [begins to leave]
Daphne: [coming out:] Oh, wait, I'm being much too hard on you! I'm
just a little sensitive about me privacy.
Frasier: Oh there's no need to explain. I promise you, it will never
be an issue again!
Daphne: Well, thank you for being so understanding, I suppose my
problem goes back to growing up in a household of boys. My
brother's were all snoops. They never gave me a moments
peace. Oh It was a filthy little right of passage for the
Moon boys. When I reached a certain age, they'd sneak into
the bathroom and peak at me in the shower.
Frasier: Oh dear God! All eight of them!
Daphne: Well, except for me brother Billy, the ballroom dancer. He
never peaked at me, though he did peak at me brother Nigel.
[thinking about it she exits to her room]
INDIANA CRANE
AND THE
DISPOSAL OF DOOM
Later, in the kitchen, Frasier is making coffee as Martin enters.
Frasier: Coffee, dad?
Martin: Why not? I'm up six times a night anyway, I might as well be
alert! [trying to use the disposal unit] Oh geez the
disposals jammed! [to Niles:] Stick your hand down there,
see what's stuck won't you?
Niles: [surprised:] Dad, it's me, Niles.
Martin: I can't get my hand in there.
Niles: Oh alright, punish a man for being fine boned. Are you sure
it's off?
Martin: Positive! [goes to switch]
Niles: Ah! Move away from the switch.
Martin: Geez!
Niles: [puts hand into unit] Ho-oh, it's wet and slimy and God
knows what it's like sticking my hand in the mouth of a..
Frasier switches the coffee maker on which creates a buzzing noise,
Niles interperets this as the garbage disposal automatically
working. On impulse, he quickly pulls his hand out with such force
[or little force knowing Niles] that he falls back onto the counter
knocking over a few decanters. He gets to his feet as if nothing has
happened.
Martin: Give me a call when the coffee's ready. [exits]
Frasier: Sorry Niles.
Niles: That's enough excitment for one evening, I'm going home to
Maris!
Frasier: I thought she wasn't speaking to you.
Niles: She's not but she grows weary of being frosty to the help.
Oh, by the way I'm outta cash, I need something to tip your
garage attendant.
Frasier: [searches pockets and takes out his wallet and some pills]
Oh great!
Niles: What?
Frasier: These pills!
Niles: I was thinking money but you know him better than I do.
Frasier: No, [hands Niles a dollar bill] Daphne's prescription. When
I was in her room earlier, I must have inadvertantaly...
[thinks] knocked them into my pocket.
Niles: An interesting phenomena. I can't walk through a drug store
without asprin and decongestiant leaping into my trousers!
Frasier: OK, I was snooping around a little bit. [he reads the label]
Oh dear God! "Take one before bedtime", oh no she's sure to
miss these tonight.
Daphne: [entering with excercise mat] Oh, you heading off Dr. Crane?
Niles: Yes I am.
Daphne: Say hello to your wife.
Niles: I'll certainly try.
Daphne: Mr. Crane, time for your excercises![leaves to Martin's
room]
Frasier: Oh great, this is my chance, I'll just sneak back there and
put these back in her room. [Niles again follows him] Alone
Niles!
Frasier goes to enter her bedroom, as he does so Daphne and Martin
argue off stage. Frasier carrries on.
Martin: The Sonics game's on! I'll do my excercises tomorrow.
Daphne: Fine! If you need me I'll be in my room.
Frasier has just put the pills down, now he can't escape. He looks
for some place to hide, he looks out of the window but it's too far
down, he realises he can't get under the bed so he settles in the
wardrobe.
Daphne: We'll be doing a double set tomorrow.
Martin: Yeah Yeah.
Daphne: [enters room and closes door] Grumpy old sod!
Daphne goes into the bathroom to wash her hands. Frasier walks out
of the wardrobe and heads for the door, but Daphne but walks back in
making Frasier rush back to the wardrobe. Daphne then begins singing
"The Blue Danube" as she does her routine. She then swallows one her
pills with her glass of water before beginning to undress. Frasier
can see clearly everything that's going on because the wardrobe has
slits in it. Frasier turns away, as she takes her underwear off and
slings them into the cupboard. She puts her hand in searching for
something, so Frasier hurries up the process by passing over her
dressing gown. She puts this on whilst Frasier closes the wardrobe
door, she goes to shut the wardrobe door and just thinks she already
has when she sees it. Then she heads for the bathroom, so Frasier
again trys to head to the door. However, Daphne comes out again so
he dissapears behind the bed. She moves over to that side of the
bed, so he runs over to the other side, where she doesn't notice
him. After putting her eye drops in and untying her hair she heads
to the wardrobe to take out some towels. Frasier hurries off into
the bathroom out of sight. With the towels, Daphne waddles into the
bathroom still singing. Frasier is hiding behind the door, as Daphne
de-robes herself and gets into the shower. Eddie comes running in
and begins drinking from the toilet, Daphne tells the dog to go but
Frasier thinks she's talking to him.
Daphne: [to Eddie:] What are you doing? It's disgusting you filthy
thing. Get out of here right now, get out!
Frasier: [thinking she's talking to him] Daphne, I'm so sorry.
Daphne screams loudly, as Frasier runs out shocked and also
screaming.
End Of Act One (Time: 13:45)
Act Two. In Cafe Nervosa, the following day, Frasier meets Niles for
their chat. He's a little bit full of himself because of some events
the night before in the Maris Mansion.
Niles: Good morning Frasier. [to waitress:] Caramea, una metsa
Latte de cafinato and a Bran Muffin. No, no, duo Bran
Muffin. [to Frasier:] Maris and I burnt up a lot of energy
last night. [gleefully:]A LOT of energy!! I have to
replenish my body. [laughs]
Frasier: I assume you and Maris achieved de tant.
Niles: Twice!
Frasier: What magic words did you use to melt her little glacier?
Niles: I got home, I sat her down, I stared deeply into her eyes.
And I said "Maris, here are the keys to your new Mercedes."
Frasier: You bought her a Mercedes?
Niles: [happily] Yes, oh the things that any woman can do when
she's properly motivated.
Frasier: When you're through marinating in your own testosterone, I
have a problem. Remember last night I went back into
Daphne's room, well she caught me again.
Niles: You're joking!
Frasier: I was just so embarrased I had to leave this morning before
she woke up. I left a little note, trying to explain my
actions, considering the circumstances, I don't think
there's any way she can forgive me!
Niles: Oh come now. It wasn't as bad as all that, it's not like you
saw her naked or something! [Frasier looks at his feet,
Niles can't believe it] You did?
Frasier: But I took no pleasure in it at all! The entire thing was
just absolutely mortifying!
Niles: Frasier, I want to help you with this, so you have to tell
me everything. Every sight, every sound, Frasier unburden
yourself before you explode!
Frasier: No, Niles!
Niles: Alright then, [picking up a pen] I'll show you how I've
always imagined her and you tell me where I'm wrong.
Roz: [arrives and sits with both of them] Hey guys!
Frasier: Hi Roz. Good to see you.
Roz: [senses something from Niles:] So Niles, you randy dog, you
got lucky last night didn't you? I can always tell. [to
Frasier:] Oh don't worry! You'll meet somebody. [to
waitress:] Can I have a non-fat caf please?
Niles: Roz, this was a private conversation, I'm helping my brother
with a matter of some delicacy.
Roz: Don't worry, shower boy told me all about it.
Frasier: I don't see that there's any way I can make it up to Daphne.
Niles: Nothing says I'm sorry like a indash CD player and a
passenger side airbag!
Frasier: [to Roz:] Maris was upset with Niles so he bought her a
Mercedes.
Roz: Wow!
Frasier: [to Niles:] And if you're suggesting that I buy my way out
of my problem, the answer is no! It's the cowards way out!
Niles: Oh, so I'm a coward?
Frasier: Yes!
Niles: Well I'm a coward with a hickey!
Roz: Buy me a Mercedes and I'll make you'll neck look like a
relief map of the Andees.
Frasier: Oh Roz, don't encourage him, I happen to think that bribery
is the wrong way for couples to resolve their conflicts!
Niles: Oh really, and during which of your failed marriages did you
own that theory?!
PEACE AT ANY COST
Niles and Frasier argue over this until it fades out. The next
scene, is in Frasier's living room. Martin needs some advice.
Martin: Oh Dr. Crane, I'm glad to see you. I need some advice. I've
got this son who's a total numbnut.
Frasier: Hello dad, love you're ice breaker!
Martin: You better get her to stay Frasier, she knows my moods,
she's knows how to handel me, and I like her.
Frasier: She's talking about quitting?
Martin: Yes, so get in there and aplogise!
Frasier: Oh dad, I can't go in there!
Martin: No, of course you can't, because I asked you to go in there.
When I said "don't go in there" what did you do? You went in
there. Now I say go in there and you won't! That's what I
like about Eddie, he always does what I tell him to. Come on
Eddie. [Frasier holds his tail stopping him from escaping,
Daphne enters without Frasier noticing]
Frasier: [laughing] He's defying you too dad! [sees Daphne] Daphne,
Daphne, please, please wait, we've gotta talk. I feel
absolutely terrible.
Daphne: [sympathetic] Oh, now, Dr. Crane, your note explained
everything, you've got nothing to feel bad about.
Frasier: That put's my mind at ease.
Daphne: [sarcastic] A servant like me doesn't deserve privacy
anyway! Matter of fact, why don't we just get it all out in
the open? [Daphne throws her bag's contents onto the table]
Here's me bank book, some personal letters, oh and me
driver's license. As you can see, I'm four pounds heavier
now, but it's in a spot that doesn't really show; TO MOST
PEOPLE!
Frasier: Oh look Daphne, I realise how hard it is to live in someone
else's home.
Daphne: Yes, it is! But I've put up with it, because I happen to
love to this job. All I every asked for was one room, a
little corner I could call me own. I never minded if I was
up to my eye balls in your precious earth tones and your
African nick-nacks, but now I have to put up with you in
there too. And that's one learing love-god too many!
Frasier: Oh Daphne, you're absolutely right, you do deserve a place
of your own. Listen if you agree to stay, [in vain:] I'll
I'll have your room redecorated. Just make it your own.
Paint, wallpaper, upholstry, anything you'd like. Just so
you feel comftable.
Daphne: How about an electricfied fence and a German police dog?
Frasier: Daphne, I promise, as long as we live under the same roof
together, I will never ever set foot in your room again.
Daphne: [pauses] Alright.
Frasier: Thank you.
Daphne: I'll give it another try. [doorbell sounds, Daphne answers
it to Niles]
Niles: Hello, all.
Frasier: Ah Niles!
Daphne: Hello Dr. Crane. Goodbye Dr. Crane.
Niles: Oh where are you off to?
Daphne: I have some shopping to do. You're brother just offered to
pay to have me room re-decorated.
Niles: [slyly:] Oh really?
Daphne: I'm thinking of doing the whole thing in pinks and yellows.
[exits]
Frasier: Dear God, she's really determined to keep out of there.
Niles: So, you're putting things right with Daphne by opening up
your check book?
Frasier: Oh, I know what your thinking, and believe me it's just a
gesture. [pours a drink for himself and Niles]
Niles: Oh, I see, I give Maris a car it's a bribe, when you re-
decorate Daphne's room it's a gesture.
Frasier: Niles, our two situations are entirely different. You bought
Maris off because you are afraid of her.
Niles: Oh I see, and you're not the slightest bit intimidated by
Daphne?
Frasier: No!
Niles: Then you wouldn't be at all alarmed if I were to say, do
this.
Frasier: Niles! Niles, where are you going?
Niles runs up to the corridor outside Daphne's room and opens the
door.
Niles: Oh look, my foot's in Daphne's room.
Frasier: Just get out of there.
Niles: What's a matter are you afraid you'll get in trouble?
Frasier: Niles, oh stop it.
He puts his foot inside the door and says "Trouble" he takes it out
and says "Safe". Frasier is getting extremely hot under the collar
by this. He does it a few times, whilst Frasier trys to stop him,
however Niles ends up getting carried away and knocks over a vase.
Frasier: Oh my God, no you see what you've done now! She's bound to
find out!
Niles: Well [snooping around], you'll just write her a bigger
fatter check.
Frasier: Niles, she'll quit.
Niles starts shaking and trys to make amends, however he accidentaly
spills his sherry on the bed sheets. Niles then proceeds to cover
this up with a bunch of towels before searching for more items to
put over it. He ends up in Daphne's underwear and nightie draw.
Martin comes in to see what the upset is, and Eddie follows him. He
falls onto the bed. Niles is still throwing underwear, which is
falling on Martin. Daphne enters mortified, she sees Frasier next to
the broken pot, Martin underneath some lingerie, Niles holding up
her nightie against him and Eddie with one of her bra's in his
teeth. It isn't long before Daphne and Frasier are at a car
salesroom. Daphne is sitting inside a large blue convertible wearing
a head scarf similar to "Louise" from "Thelma and Louise". Eddie is
sitting in the passanger seat.
Frasier: Daphne, did you happen to see that sporty little sub-compact
over there. I bet you could park that anywhere.
Daphne: [peers over windscreen] Is that a Mercedes dealer ship
across the street? [Frasier pushes her back down]
End of Act Two. (Time: 21:30)
Credits:
Daphne enters her room, now a little bit paranoid. She checks to see
if anyone's lurking in the bathroom, then checks under the bed, she
also makes sure no-one's in the wardrobe. Just as she's about to
shower she spots something under the towels on her bed; it's Eddie.
She shouts at him and he runs out at once.
Legal Stuff
This episode capsule is copyright 1999 by Nick Hartley. This
episode summary remains property of Frasier, Copyright of Paramount
Productions and NBC. Printed without permission.
