Fool Me Once, Shame On You Written by Christopher Lloyd
Directed by Philip Charles MacKenzie
=====================================================================
Production Code: 2.14.
Episode Number In Production Order: 38
Filmed on:
Original Airdate on NBC: 7th February 1995
Transcript written on 31st July 2000
Transcript {andrea day}
[Act One]
[Scene One - Cafe Nervosa.
Frasier is seated at a table. Niles walks in and is about to shut the
door when he spots a woman behind him. He graciously holds the door
open for her.]
Niles: Allow me. [She breezes by without a word] You're welcome.
[hangs up coat and walks over to Frasier] When did everyone
become so boorish? [wipes down chair] Honestly, sometimes I
think I'm the only person left in the world with any sense
of refinement. [sits] Ooh! Ooh! Smell my hands!
Frasier: Thank you, no.
Niles: I'm just so proud. I had to stop for gas, and I pumped it
myself! [smells his hands and grimaces] It's part of a new
kick I'm on.
Frasier: Which is what?
Niles: I'm learning to be handy. I've decided I depend too much on
other people so I'm doing it myself. [holds out his hand]
Ooh, feel that. Tell me that's not the start of a first-rate
callous.
[Roz walks in carrying a video tape.]
Roz: Frasier, you left this in your booth.
Frasier: Oh dear, thank you Roz.
Niles: What is it?
Frasier: Oh, it's a tape Dad asked me to rent for him. It's part of
our new Wednesday night ritual. Dad mixes up a pot of his
five-alarm chili, we all curl up on the couch and watch an
Angie Dickinson movie and I wish I were dead. You should
join us.
Niles: No, no. I got my first work shirt this morning and tonight
I'm tackling the squeaky hasp on my cigar humidor.
Frasier: Oh, well, be sure to wear your hernia belt. So, Roz, you
gonna join us?
Roz: [pointedly at Niles] No, I think I'll just go sit over here.
Niles: Roz? Are you trying to avoid me?
Roz: Well, can you blame me? I mean, it took you nearly a year
just to learn my name and every time we sit together, you
have some kind of snide remark to make.
Niles: Name one.
Roz: Well, last week you told me my bedroom was easier to get
into than a community college.
Niles: I was hoping that would be the one you'd name.
Roz: [charging at him] You know, I've got half a mind to...
Frasier: No, no no..just hold on now Roz. You and Niles got off on
the wrong foot a long time ago. I think if you two sat down
and had a real conversation you'd hit it off famously. Here,
you sit, Roz, and I will go and get your coffee.
[Roz sits down as Frasier goes to the counter.]
Niles: [pause] So, how are you?
Roz: Fine. You?
Niles: Great. [pause] I'm handy now. [Roz stares at him]
So...that's a nice jacket.
Roz: Thank you.
Niles: Offbeat.
Roz: And what is that supposed to mean, "offbeat"?
Niles: Well...
Roz: No, wait, I think I know exactly what it means. Offbeat as
in cheap. Well excuse me for not being rich enough to shop
at the International House of Tight-Ass like you and Maris
the heiress! That is what you meant, right?
Niles: Yes, but I had no idea you'd pick up on it!
Roz: Then you were insulting me.
Niles: Yes, but you got in a couple of good shots yourself.
Roz: I did, didn't I? I'm so glad we did this! [they shake hands
as Frasier returns]
Frasier: You know, sometimes I am such a good therapist, I scare
myself! [notices] Oh my goodness...where's my briefcase?
Niles: Didn't you put it under your chair?
Frasier: Well, yes I did, but someone must have taken it!
Niles: Frasier, look, there it is!
[Niles points to a man walking towards the door, carrying a
briefcase. Frasier rushes to the door to block the man from leaving.]
Frasier: Excuse me.
Man: Excuse me.
Frasier: Is that your briefcase?
Man: Yes it is.
Frasier: Where did you get it?
Man: Some of the nuns in my parish bought it for me as a gift.
Frasier: Ah, your parish? Then that would make you a priest?
Man: Yes.
Frasier: Well, then, "Father" [grabs the briefcase], perhaps you'd
like to explain why you'd be carrying around...[opens the
case]...a Bible and some rosary beads?! [slams the case
shut]
Man: What exactly are you looking for?
Frasier: An Angie Dickinson movie. I loaned it to the Monsignor. He
was supposed to give it to you to give to me. Apparently he
forget. Well, it's a two-day rental anyway, doesn't matter.
Off you go. Thank you. [the priest leaves, confused]
Niles: I'm sorry, Frasier. It looked exactly like yours. They both
have the same inferior leather.
Roz: I gave him that briefcase!
Niles: [playfully punching her shoulder] I know!
IT'S LIKE HORATIO
[Scene two - Frasier's apartment.
Frasier is seated at the dinner table, on the phone to the police.
Eddie is in Martin's chair, staring at Frasier.]
Frasier: Yes, I would mind holding again! Look, I've already held
three times! I'm simply trying to report a few stolen credit
cards, but every five seconds...damn it! [He notices Eddie
staring] Don't stare at me, Eddie. I'm a humane man, but
right now I could kick a kitten through an electric fan!
[Eddie jumps down and runs off down the hall as Martin and Daphne
enter. They ad lib hellos.]
Martin: So, Niles called. Somebody stole your briefcase, huh?
Frasier: Yes. All right Dad, go ahead; tell me how stupid I was to
get taken advantage of that way. It's certainly better than
listening to "Jumping Jack Flash" arranged for piano and
flute.
Martin: I don't think it was stupid. These guys are pros. They just
need a second and bam, they're out the door.
Frasier: Well, that's rather refreshing. I was expecting you to call
me every name from a naive dupe to a...
Martin: Bone-headed rube?
Frasier: But you're not!
Martin: No, I'm not. The important thing is you learned a lesson.
You gotta keep your guard up. The world would be a happier
place if everybody would remember two little words: People
Stink.
Frasier: I'm sorry, but that's just a little cynical for me! I don't
want to go through life thinking the worst of people. I
prefer to think of them as basically good and decent. [into
phone] Yes, I am here, but you know, I'm sorry, I'm in the
middle of a speech right now, so you'll have to hold!
[places phone on hold] Truth is, I enjoy my life that way.
If the price I have to pay is to replace a few credit cards
from time to time, well, then, so be it.
Daphne: This whole thing reminds me of when I first moved to London.
I was very mistrusting of people back then. I was convinced
the way to stay out of harm's way was to walk straight with
me eyes cast down, never meeting anyone's glance. But,
finally, I decided that was no way to live. So one day, I
just lifted up my chin and took it all in. Well, the change
was amazing. There were sights I'd never seen, sounds I'd
never heard. A tiny old man came up to me with a note in his
hand. He needed help. I realized this was no city full of
thieves and muggers. There were people here who needed me. I
took his note, read it, and to this day, I can remember just
what I said to that Man: "That's not how you spell
fellatio." [she exits to her room, leaving Frasier and
Martin dumbstruck]
Frasier: So...whose point did she prove?
Martin: I have no idea.
[Scene three - KACL.
The next day. Frasier is finishing up his show.]
Frasier: Well, I can't tell you how much fun it's been chatting with
you all today, nasty old Gertrude aside. But, I'd like to
close the show with a personal message. This goes out to the
person who stole my briefcase yesterday. And, as it turns
out, also stole my dry cleaning this morning with the claim
ticket that was inside. You need help, and I am here to
provide it. Oh, also, the double-breasted navy blue suit was
meant to be worn with French cuffs and medium heel wing
tips. You may be sick, but there's no reason why you
shouldn't be stylish. Until tomorrow, this is Dr. Frasier
Crane.
[He goes off the air as Roz enters his booth.]
Roz: Man, that was a great show! It was better than great--it was
brilliant. I can't remember when you were more...
Frasier: What do you want?
Roz: Okay. Remember, I told you my girlfriend was coming to town
and I might need Friday off?
Frasier: No.
Roz: No, you don't remember, or no, I can't have Friday off?
Frasier: Take one of each, I'm feeling generous. [the phone rings in
the studio, Frasier puts it on speaker phone] Hello?
Man: [v.o.] Hi, is this Dr. Crane?
Frasier: Yes, it is.
Man: Oh man, what a thrill! I can't believe I got through!
Frasier: Yes, well, actually, my show is over. You'll have to call in
again tomorrow.
Man: That's not why I'm calling. I think I found your briefcase.
Frasier: Oh, really? Really, are you sure?
Man: Pretty sure.
Frasier: Well, there's a way we can be positive. Simply turn over the
briefcase and in the upper right-hand corner you should find
a half-moon shaped watermark, such as would be left by the
careless resting of a champagne flute.
Man: It's full of your stuff, Dr. Crane.
Frasier: Oh. Well, that works as well, yes. Say, listen, is
everything still there?
Man: Well, there's a nice gold pen, a set of car keys, a date
book...
Frasier: What about my wallet?
Man: Oh, sorry.
Frasier: Well, I suppose that was asking for too much. Well, how can
I get it back?
Man: I could drop it off.
Frasier: Oh, better yet, why don't you meet me at the Cafe Nervosa on
Pike and Third. I'd be glad to give you a reward.
Man: Hey, meeting you is reward enough! Half an hour okay?
Frasier: That's perfect. Bye.
Man: Bye.
[He hangs up the phone.]
Roz: Well, that was pretty great.
Frasier: Yes, but not surprising. Haven't I always told you to have
faith in people?
Roz: Yes, and you were right. People are basically good.
Frasier: Yes.
Roz: And fair.
Frasier: Indeed.
Roz: We do nice things for people in this world because there's a
little thing called karma...
Frasier: There's no way you're getting Friday off.
[He walks out into the hallway, with Roz whining "Why?" behind him.]
[Scene four - Cafe Nervosa.
Frasier is waiting at the counter. Niles enters and holds the door
open for a pretty blonde woman.]
Niles: Allow me. [As before, the woman breezes past him without a
word. He walks over to Frasier in a huff.] Do you believe
that woman? That's the second time that's happened to me
this week. I have half a mind to say something.
Frasier: Well, then why don't you?
Niles: Oh, you know. Something happens to me when I talk to a
beautiful woman. From the moment they begin staring into my
eyes my knees turn to jelly.
Frasier: Still, Niles, we both know the only way to break people of
their bad habits is by confronting them.
[The blonde walks up to the counter and stands next to Niles.]
Niles: Oh, that's true.
Frasier: So? [gestures toward the woman]
Waiter: Who's next here?
WoMan: [cutting off Niles] I am! I'll have a cafe...
Niles: Oh, oh, oh, oh! No, you're not! You weren't next here, I am!
[turns to face her] I suppose people like you who glide
through life wrapped in a cozy little cocoon of narcissism
never notice such things. But you'd do well to learn this
lesson, sister! [beginning to wobble] There's still such a
thing as good manners in this world, and that's why I would
like to insist that you let me buy you your coffee and also
please try the poppy seed muffins.
WoMan: Thank you.
Niles: You're welcome.
[He places some money on the counter and then staggers to a table,
unsure of what just happened.]
Frasier: Kind of brutal, weren't you?
Niles: All I remember was I was next and then the sound of blood
thundering through my ears.
Frasier: There, there, Niles. Soon you'll be home with Maris and
you'll forget you were anywhere near a beautiful woman
today. [moves toward the window seat] Please, why don't we
sit here by the window so we can see him when he comes?
Niles: Oh, your good Samaritan?
Frasier: Yes. You know, I have to tell you Niles, I'm feeling rather
good about this whole thing. Granted, I did lose my wallet
and my favorite suit. But, still, mostly everything else was
intact. My date book, my spare set of car keys, my fountain
pen. But, best of all, what has remained intact is my sense
that people are basically trustworthy.
Niles: Frasier, the person who has your car keys asked you to meet
him here, knowing you'd bring your car?
Frasier: Now, now...before you launch into one of your little
paranoid riffs, my car happens to be...[looks out the
window] MOVING DOWN THE STREET!! [they both rush outside] Oh
my god! [o.s.] Stop! Stop that well-dressed man!!
[End of Act One.]
[Act Two.]
[Scene one - Frasier's apartment.
Later that evening. Niles sits on the couch, drinking coffee while
Martin is on the phone with an old cop buddy of his.]
Martin: Yeah, Charlie, it's my son Frasier's car. So, if you could
put a little extra manpower on this, I'd appreciate it.
Yeah, I know. I know, fell for that old scam. [Niles exits
to the kitchen] I told him you gotta keep your guard up, but
you know Frasier, he always knows better--Mr. Up With
People. Yeah, remember what we used to call guys like him
when I was on the force? [laughs, then] Hey, we're still
talking about my son here, Charlie! Yeah, I'll talk to you.
[He hangs up the phone as Frasier enters.] Hi Frasier, how's
it going?
Frasier: Terribly. Guess what happened today?
Martin: What?
Frasier: My car was stolen!
Martin: [pretending] You're kidding!
Frasier: Yes, once again, I fell victim to a master criminal.
Martin: How'd they do it? Hot-wire it? Boy, you know, those guys got
fingers like concert pianists.
Frasier: No. He had the key.
Martin: Oh, a real pro, huh? He made a wax impression and then had a
duplicate key made?
Frasier: No....It was the same miscreant who stole my briefcase. He
used the spare set that was inside.
Martin: What? He tailed you for a few days, learned your routine, so
he'd know where to find the car?
Frasier: [sheepishly] Not exactly. He called the station and we
agreed to meet.
Martin: What for?
Niles: [entering from the kitchen] Low-fat lattes and biscotti.
[He and Martin fall apart laughing.]
Frasier: Oh, what are you, the town crier?! Oh, go ahead and laugh!
You know, it still doesn't shake my belief in the basic
goodness of people.
Martin: Well, sure. He's probably using your car to deliver hot
meals to shut-ins. [he and Niles laugh again]
Frasier: Yes, well, I'm glad that my misfortune has given you two so
much glee! But Dad, I have two requests. First, wipe that
father-knows-best smirk off of your face! I am not a child!
Martin: And, what's the second request?
Frasier: Can I borrow your car? I want to go to the movies.
[Niles and Martin continue laughing as the scene fades out.]
BRIEFCASE OF LOVE
[Scene two - KACL.
Frasier is giving Daphne a tour of KACL before his show begins.]
Frasier: And last stop on our tour, my booth. Where all the magic
happens.
Roz: Hey Daphne, what are you doing here?
Daphne: Oh, Dr. Crane needed a lift in, so I decided to come up for
a little tour. Oh, don't mind me. Just go on about your
business. It's not like [into microphone] I'm listening.
[giggles]
Roz: Have we had one visitor yet who *didn't* feel the need to do
that?
Frasier: Thank you for the ride down, Daphne, but we do have a show
to do. So if you...
Daphne: You know, people are always telling me I have a natural
talent for this.
Frasier: Yes, yes, of course. Your soothing voice, your calming
manner. [walks her to the door] I could listen to you for
hours.
Daphne: Oh, wow, do you really think so?
Frasier: Oh, yes. Absolutely. All right, now get out. [shoves her out
the door.]
[The phone in the studio rings.]
Frasier: Roz, could you get that please.
Roz: Sure. [in phone] Hello? Who's calling please? Just a second.
[to Frasier] It's Denise. She said she was out with you last
night.
Frasier: I wasn't out with anyone named Denise last night.
Roz: Ooh...speaker phone, speaker phone!
Frasier: Oh, all right. [places it on speaker phone] Hello. This is
Frasier Crane.
Denise: [v.o.] Hey, tiger. I miss you already.
Frasier: I beg your pardon?
Denise: Oh, I'm sorry to call you at work, but you just snuck out of
here this morning without giving me your number and I woke
up to see your BMW pulling down my driveway.
Frasier: [realizing] You did?
Denise: Mm-hmm. But I'm not mad. How can I be after the best first
night I ever spent with a man?
Frasier: Denise, could you just hold on for a moment?
Denise: Sure.
[He places the phone on hold.]
Frasier: Do you realize what this means?
Roz: The guy who stole your stuff told her he was you.
Frasier: And it worked! She slept with him on the first date! Nobody
ever sleeps with me on the first date! [takes phone off
hold] Hi, it's me again.
Denise: Look, I'm sorry to do this on short notice, but I won't be
able to meet you for that drink at Alberto's. The agency
called. They booked me for a swimsuit layout. [Frasier is
nearly in tears] Oh, there's my cab. I'll call you tomorrow.
Kisses! [hangs up]
Roz: Unbelievable!
Frasier: Yes. Apparently he wasn't content just to steal my
possessions. Now he's after my identity as well!
Roz: [picking up phone] I'm calling the police.
Frasier: No, Roz, no! I will handle this myself. I am going down to
Alberto's.
Roz: You have a show!
Frasier: Just run something from the "Best of Frasier Crane." This
jackal thinks he's meeting Denise down there, but he's going
to meet me instead!
Roz: Are you crazy?! He could be dangerous!
Frasier: I don't care, Roz! My god, this man's gone too far. He's
after my very soul now! What was it Shakespeare wrote? "He
who steals my purse steals trash. But he who steals my good
name steals..." Well...oh, I forget the rest, but it makes
me good and mad!
[Scene three - Alberto's.
Frasier enters Alberto's just as two men are leaving. He quickly
looks them over to see what they are wearing. He then approaches a
woman, Heather, seated at the bar.]
Frasier: Excuse me. Have you seen a man in here wearing an impeccably
tailored Italian suit?
Heather: Just you.
Frasier: [blushes] Oh, well...thank you. Georgio Armani.
Heather: Nice to meet you, Georgio. [they laugh] My name's Heather.
Frasier: Yes, uh, Frasier Crane, it's a pleasure. [gestures to a
barstool next to her] Do you mind?
[She complies and he sits down.]
Heather: Wait a minute. Dr. Frasier Crane from the radio?
Frasier: Yes.
Heather: Well, I've heard your show. You're great!
Frasier: Oh, thank you.
Heather: This is exciting! [pauses] Hey, didn't you say on your show
the other day that someone had impersonated you at the dry
cleaners?
Frasier: Yes, someone did.
Heather: But, how do I know that you're not the impersonator?
Frasier: Oh, good heavens, if you're looking for identification,
I...[reaches for his wallet] Uh-oh.
Heather: I thought so. [gets up to leave]
Frasier: Yes, but, he stole my wallet the other day.
Heather: Who did?
Frasier: Frasier did--the bad Frasier.
Heather: You're pretty sick, you know that? Maybe you ought to just
get a life!
[She heads for the door. He follows her.]
Frasier: Heather, this is absurd! Can't you recognize my...
[She's gone before he can get the chance to explain further. He
stands at the door for a moment, defeated. Then, a man enters the
bar. He is nowhere near Frasier's size, but Frasier recognizes the
suit. He slowly looks the man up and down as the man grows more and
more nervous.]
Frasier: Nice suit.
Phil: Oh my god, it's you!
[He rushes to the door, but Frasier catches him.]
Frasier: Oh no you don't! You're mine now!
Phil: All right. All right, I give up. [He tries to make another
dash for it, but Frasier grabs him.] Damn it! How did you
find me?
Frasier: Well, a certain Denise called the station today. She had to
cancel your little rendezvous.
Phil: Great. And I put on my best suit.
Frasier: No. You put on *my* best suit!
Phil: Well, I guess this is it. Party's over. I'm so stupid! [sits
at a table] You probably want to call the police, huh?
Frasier: No. What I would like to do is throttle you until your eyes
shoot across the room like champagne corks! But I won't,
because this is still a civilized world. But it won't be for
long if you lowlifes have your way, because with every
wallet you steal, you put bars on someone else's windows!
With every purse you snatch, you put mace on another key
chain! Everyday you make our lives a little less liveable,
and I hope that burns on your conscience! Well, what do you
have to say for yourself?
Phil: You're right.
Frasier: Oh, oh...I see. I see. You think by agreeing with me, I'll
let you off the hook.
Phil: No, I'm saying you're right. I'm not trying to weasel out of
this. I'm guilty and I deserve what I get. Look, here's your
keys. The car's out front with your briefcase in it. [pulls
out a cell phone] Here, go ahead and call the police. That's
your new car phone, by the way. I upgraded. I should have
known things were gonna turn out like this for me.
Frasier: Oh yes, here it comes--the old sob story. "Daddy didn't love
me. Mother ignored me. The bully next door stole my baseball
glove."
Phil: No. Dad loved me. Mom spoiled me. And I *was* the bully next
door. [gesturing to the phone] Say, why don't you let me do
that, it's kind of tricky.
Frasier: Thank you.
Phil: There's only one person to blame for my problems and that's
me. [into phone] Yeah, hi. The number for the Seattle P.D.,
please. [to Frasier] I take the easy way out of everything,
I always have. And you want to know why? I'm lazy. Lazy,
lazy, lazy! [into phone] Oh, sweetheart, I don't have the
energy to look for a pencil. Could you just connect me?
Thanks, hon.
Frasier: You expect me to believe that your entire life of crime can
be attributed to your laziness?
Phil: Hey, it's the truth. I don't like to work, never have. And
believe me, it's a lot easier to take something than to get
a job. And I'm even a lazy criminal! A briefcase here, a set
of car keys there. Maybe a little light shoplifting, but a
bank robbery? All that planning and split-second timing?
Forget it! And that second-story stuff--the grappling hooks,
glass cutters...who does that?! [into phone] Yeah, thank
you. [hands phone to Frasier] You're on hold.
Frasier: Story of my week. You know, you seem to be taking this
awfully well.
Phil: Well, it's like I said. It was bound to happen.
Frasier: Or perhaps...perhaps you wanted to get caught.
Phil: Huh?
Frasier: Yes, well, think about it. You've been taking greater and
greater risks. Isn't that the behavior of a man who wants to
get caught?
Phil: I'm telling ya, Doc--lazy! [lifts up his leg] Look at your
pants, for god's sake! You'd think I'd take them in to be
hemmed, right? Staples!
Frasier: [horrified] Oh, dear god!
Phil: Staples!
Frasier: Well, I still say that you really wanted to get caught.
[sits] It's a classic cri de couer.
Phil: Cri de what?
Frasier: Well, it's a ballet, it...it just means that you don't like
the life that you're living.
Phil: Well, it's not a great life. Half the time I don't know
where my next month's rent is coming from. And I haven't
been in a solid relationship in I don't know how long.
Frasier: Then why don't you change?
Phil: Haven't we been over this? [shouting] Gimme an "L", gimme an
"A"...
Frasier: As a psychiatrist, I just don't buy that. You're not lazy.
What you are is afraid. There are any number of things you
could do in a legitimate world. You're just afraid to try
one of them and fail at it.
Phil: You really think I can change?
Frasier: Yes. I believe everyone can change because I believe in the
basic goodness of people. [into phone] Oh yes, hello. Yes,
uh...just a moment, please. [to Phil] Start now. Take
responsibility for yourself. [offers the phone to him] For
once, don't take the easy way out.
Phil: [into phone] Hello. Yeah, I'd like to report a crime.
[Frasier looks pleased with himself. Suddenly, Heather, the woman
from the bar, returns with a couple of police officers.]
Heather: [pointing at Frasier] There he is. He's the man who's been
impersonating Frasier Crane.
Officer: All right, let's go.
Frasier: Oh, what are you talking about? I *am* Frasier Crane!
Officer: Do you have identification?
Frasier: Well, no..no. But it's the truth! [to Phil] Tell them.
Phil: Thank god you got here when you did, officer. I detained him
as long as I could!
Frasier: What?!
Officer: [grabbing Frasier's arm] Move it!
Frasier: But he's lying!! He's the imposter! Don't you people
recognize me?! [they start dragging him to the door] Oh, for
goodness sake! This is madness! I can't believe this is
happening! [shouting] People of the world, listen to me!
Trust no one, especially that lazy bastard!!
[End of Act Two.]
Credits:
[Niles walks into the Cafe Nervosa and tries again to hold the door
open for the pretty blonde lady. This time, however, she stops to
shake his hand and thank him. He is clearly pleased with this. She
leaves and he then walks over to join Frasier at a table. He appears
to be very happy about this turn of events. As he talks, he starts to
check the time and realizes his watch is missing. Knowing that the
blonde must have taken it, he jumps up and rushes out the door after
her.]
Legal Stuff
This episode capsule is copyright 2000 by Nick Hartley & Andrea Day.
This episode summary remains property of Frasier, Copyright
of Paramount Productions and NBC. Printed without permission.
