Retirement Is Murder Written by Elias David &
David Pollock
Directed by Alan Myerson
=====================================================================
Production Code: 2.13
Episode Number In Production Order: XXX
Original Airdate on NBC: 10th January 1995
Episode filmed on XXX
Transcript written on 9th June 2000
The transcript may be incomplete due to syndication cuts.
Transcript {david langley}
Act 1
Scene 1 - Frasier's Apartment
RETIREMENT IS MURDER
[Fade in. Frasier is gazing out the window, drinking sherry. Martin
and Daphne are at the table wit a bunch of files.]
Frasier: Ah, yes. Another beautiful Saturday night, the moon is
full, the city lights are twinkling, lovers steal kisses in
the park... And here, Chez Crane, my father and his
assistant sit hunched over twenty year old photographs of a
murdered hooker. [raises his glass] Life is a banquet.
Daphne: I enjoy looking at your father's old case. Just because
you have no plans tonight, don't spoil our harmless fun.
You know, there's nothing we Brits like better than a
grisly murder and a nice hot cup of tea.
Martin: Uh, listen Daphne, I got a lot of work to do here, so if
you don't mind...
Daphne: Oh, excuse me. I didn't know I was bothering you.
Martin: Oh, I'm sorry, it's this damn case. I feel like the answer
to who murdered Helen is right here. I just can't see it.
Frasier: Dad, you're obsessing. You stare at these grisly pictures
day after day, night after night. Come on, why don't we go
out and see a movie.
Martin: No thanks.
Frasier: Let's go get a pizza.
Martin: Nah.
Frasier: Let's get tattooed. [Martin thinks about it, then shakes
his head.] Oh! This is ridiculous. It's a beautiful
night and I'm not going to miss it. I'm going to take a
long walk and I'm not going by myself.
[Eddie runs out with his leash.]
Martin: He likes the rhododendrons on the north side of the park.
[Fade out.]
Scene 2 - The Radio Studio
[Fade in. Frasier is on the air with Marjorie.]
Marjorie: And I just wanted to thank you Dr. Crane. Because of your
advice, I've conquered my fear of heights. I, I took it
slowly, gradually going higher and higher, until now, here
I am, right now, having lunch at the top of the Space
Needle!
Frasier: Marjorie, congratulations. I am so proud of you.
Marjorie: I mean, when I think of how you... [she screams loudly]
Frasier: What's wrong? What happened?
Marjorie: I just looked down.
Frasier: Well, Marjorie, don't do that. Look at your luncheon
companion, look at your menu, but don't look down. You're
only feeding your fears when you do that.
Marjorie: Maybe I wasn't ready for a window table.
Frasier: Of course you are, of course you are. You can beat this
thing.
Marjorie: You're right, I can Dr. Crane, if I just... [she screams
again]
Frasier: Do not look down!
Marjorie: I didn't. My check just came.
Frasier: Oh, well, Marjorie, we're just about out of time now.
Call me tomorow, will you. Well, that's it for today
folks, stay tuned for Bob 'Bulldog' Brisco. This is Dr.
Frasier Crane, KACL 780, talk radio.
[He switches off, Bulldog comes in, wheeling his trolly.]
Bulldog: Hey Doc.
Frasier: Bulldog.
Bulldog: I caught the first hour of your show today. If that chick
whining about sexual harrasment called my show, I'd say
'Listen doll, you don't want people snapping your bra,
don't wear one.'
Frasier: Brilliant in its simplicity.
Bulldog: [to Roz] Hey, how's this sound, hardbody: You, me,
Sonics, Nicks, tonight.
Roz: Sorry Bulldog, but I'm already going. I have season
tickets.
Bulldog: Oh, we can still get together afterwards.
Roz: Only if I smash into your car in the parking lot.
Bulldog: Why is it the ones who want it the most put up the biggest
struggle?
Roz: Because, when I do finally give in, I want us to enjoy it
all the more. [Bulldog gives her a kind of hopeful look.]
That is, if I'm not too distracted by the fact that every
man on Earth has died. [She stalks off.]
Bulldog: Almost had her, there.
Frasier: Yes, it could have gone either way.
Bulldog: Ah, well, with my pull I can get those anytime I want.
[He tosses the tickets down, Niles comes in.]
Niles: Hello Frasier.
Frasier: Oh, oh, Bulldog, have you met my brother Niles? Niles,
this is Bulldog Brisco.
Niles: Oh, oh, oh, just the man I want to talk to. As a sports
expert I'm sure you can tell me why none of the local media
carry the Ivy League squash standings.
Bulldog: [bursts out laughing] Whoa! Another one just like you.
Some gypsy put a curse on your family? Well, I gotta run.
See you later Miles.
Niles: It's, it's Niles.
Bulldog: Like it matters.
Niles: Well, you ready for our boys night out at La Cochan Noir?
[He puts his hand down and accidentily honks Bulldog's
horn.]
Frasier: Yes. But Niles, I've been wondering: Would you mind if I
asked Dad to join us?
Niles: Do you remember the last time we took Dad to a four-star
restaurant? He had a miserable time. The restaurant lost
a whole star.
Frasier: Yes, it's just I'm trying desperately to come up with some
way to get him out of the house. He's off on one of his
'Weeping Lotus' binges again.
Niles: We've tried distacting him before. We've taken him
everywhere from the arboretum to the zen garden. [thinks]
Wait a minute, the zen garden is at the arboretum. Good
lord, is it possible we've only taken him one place?
Frasier: [spotting the tickets] Oh, Niles, Niles, this is it, this
is it. The basketball game!
Niles: Basketball?
Frasier: Yes, yes, I can get another ticket from the promotional
department. Oh, this is perfect. Just imagine how excited
Dad will be to go to a game with his two sons. My God,
it's the archtypal male bonding ritual!
Niles: Couldn't we just go into the woods, kill something and have
done with it? [off Frasier's glare] All right.
Frasier: Come on Niles, look, it'll give you a chance to see the
Tacoma Dome.
Niles: [as they walk out] I've already seen it. They had a home
show there, once. You know, that's where I got that idea
to stencil a grape arbor on our Wilks dresser.
Frasier: I'm a teamster compared to you.
[Fade out.]
Scene 3 - At the game.
STRANGERS IN A STRANGE LAND
[Fade in. Niles, Frasier and Martin are in their seats. Martin
looks distracted.]
Frasier: So, dad, these are great seats, huh?
Martin: Yeah.
Frasier: What's the matter with you?
Martin: Nothin'. Let me borrow your pen a minute, will ya?
Frasier: What for?
Martin: Well, I was thinking about that ballistics report and I
just want to make a note so I won't forget it.
Frasier: Dad, the whole idea of coming here tonight was to get your
mind off of the case. I've done some reading. It seems
the key for the Sonics is to stop Starts from penetrating
and dumping the ball off for easy baskets.
Niles: Stop Starts? That sounds funny. Stop Starts. Stopstarts,
stopstarts, stopostarts...
Frasier: Oh, shut up Niles.
Martin: It makes no sense.
Frasier: Well, Dad, it's not my theory, I was just quoting some
sports writer.
Martin: No, I mean Helen. She was tall. She was five feet seven.
Yet the bullet entered on a downward trajectory.
Frasier: Dad, will you just try to participate? Ooh, look! They're
starting the wave! Ooh, it's coming this way!
[The wave comes, Frasier jumps up with it, Martin and Niles don't
move. Niles is putting on a headset.]
Frasier: That was fun, wasn't it? Oh, look, there's a peanut guy!
[calling out] Peanuts!
[A bag of peanuts is thrown into Niles lap who throws it back and
forth.]
Niles: How dare you! Stop it! That hooligan is pelting me with
peanuts! From the look of that tray, he's come prepared.
Stop it!
Frasier: Stop it, that is for me!
Martin: I gotta go make a call.
Frasier: Oh, Dad, this isn't about the case, is it?
Martin: Yeah.
Frasier: Well, Dad, look, you've been working on it for twenty
years, how come you're so obsessed now?
Martin: Look, when Helen was murdered, I made a promis to her
mother. I said that no matter how long it took, I'd find
the killer. Well, I had a call from her last week, and
she's an old lady now, living in a home somewhere and, I
don't know, she just doesn't seem to have a lot longer to
go, and it just kind of lit a fire under me to get this
thing solved. So, I appreciate your bringing me here, but
I gotta make this call. I'll be back in a couple of
minutes. [He gets up to go to the phones.]
Frasier: OK, Dad. I understand.
[Martin leaves. A man comes down and sits beside Niles.]
Fan: Boy the traffic tonight is murder. [to Niles] Hey pal,
what's the score?
Niles: West Side Story.
[The man and Frasier both look confused, Niles makes a little
'conducting' gesture. Fade out.]
Act 2
Scene 1 - Frasier's Apartment
[Fade in. Martin and Daphne are again poring over the 'Lotus
Blossom' material.]
Martin: You know what's always bugged me? This picture of the crime
scene. The way Helen's written 'help'. Why would she do
that?
Daphne: Well, I suppose the word 'howdy' would have been a bit too
cheery under the circumstances. [She goes to the kitchen.]
Martin: But it makes no sense: Anybody who could read 'help' in the
dirt could also see Helen lying there.
[Frasier and Niles come in the front door.]
Frasier: Evening Dad
Niles: Hey, Dad.
Martin: Oh, listen, thanks again for the ball game. It was great.
Frasier: Oh, God, it was a pleasure, Dad. I was only sorry you
couldn't join us for dinner afterwards. La Cochan Noir
gave us a late seating for fabulous dinner.
[They go to the liquor shelf.]
Niles: It was an exquisite meal marred only by the lack of even
one outstanding cognac on their carte d' vijastite.
Frasier: Yes, but think of it this way Niles: What is the one thing
better than an exquisite meal? An exquisite meal with one
tiny flaw we can pick at all night. [He hands Niles a
brandy.]
Niles: Ah. Quite right. To impossible standards. [They clink
glasses.]
Frasier: So, Dad, any progress on the case?
Martin: Nah, I'm beat. Sometimes it's better to just get a good
night's sleep and start fresh in the morning. Good night
fellas.
Frasier: Night Dad.
Niles: Don't forget: Brush your teeth and say your prayers.
Martin: [laughing] That's what I used to say to you guys when you
were kids, didn't I?
Frasier: No, you didn't.
Martin: Oh, I meant to.
Niles: We knew that.
[He leaves. Daphne comes from the kitchen with a mug of tea.
Frasier sits at the table.]
Daphne: Hello.
Niles: Hello, Daphne
Daphne: How was your dinner?
Niles: It was fine, except for one small flaw.
Daphne: Oh, just the way you like it. I see you're a bit intrigued
by that yourself.
Frasier: Yes, well it's been a while since I've gone over this. Who
are these guys?
Daphne: Oh, just some of the principal players in our little drama.
[Passes over a photo.] That's Detective Shelby, the vice
cop who found the body.
Niles: Who is this menacing little mono-brow?
Daphne: Oh, that's Robbethai, a logger. An ex-boyfriend of Helen's.
He used to come down from the mountains every couple of
months and disappear with her.
Niles: If you ask me, he's the murderer.
Daphne: Impossible, he's got an air tight alibi.
Niles: What is it?
Daphne: He was killing somebody else at the time. But you have to
admit, this case has it all: sex, greed, jealousy,
revenge, a monkey, hatred, deception...
Frasier: Wait, wait, wait...
Daphne: What?
Frasier: A monkey?
Niles: Yeah. This is a snapshot of the murder victim with her pet
monkey, KoKo. He was given to her by another boyfriend,
Clive Brisbane.
Frasier: Well, why wasn't Brisbane a suspect?
Daphne: Well, he was, but several witnesses saw him at the
racetrack at the time of the murder.
Niles: Excuse me, is that Clive Brisbane the animal trainer?
Daphne: That's right. Brisbane's Amazing Apes. They opened in Las
Vegas for Englebert Humperdinch.
Frasier: Yes, it's easy to forget there was a time when Las Vegas
wasn't the tacky place it is now.
Niles: You know, I actually caught Brisbane's act on a trip to Las
Vegas during college. Those apes were amazing! One
minute, they'd be staging a living tableaux of George
Washington crossing the Deleware, the next they'd be
shooting suction cup arrows at Brisbane's lovely
assistant's derriere.
Frasier: You know, there is a way that Brisbane could be the killer,
and still have his horse track alibi hold up. Daphne,
Niles, I present you with...the killer! [He turns around a
photo of a chimpanzee.]
Daphne: A monkey was the trigger man?
Frasier: Just play along with me here. They're capable of shooting
arrows, why not a gun?
Daphne: But why would Brisbane have her killed?
Frasier: [getting up] Because, because she jilted him for someone
else.
Daphne: Robbethai, the logger!
Frasier: Exactly! My God, we've done it!
Daphne: No, you've done it, Dr. Crane!
Frasier: Well, yes! But you were standing very close by. Wait a
minute. Are we saying here that a murder was commited by a
monkey?
Niles: It's not so very far fetched! It could be Brisbane's
diabolical homage to the Edgar Allan Poe story 'Murders in
the Rue Morgue'. It's all about an orangutan who goes
about the rooftops of Paris murdering people. Wait 'til we
tell Dad his case has finally been solved! Dad! Dad!
Frasier: No. Niles, Niles, wait, wait. It's still just a theory.
Even if we are right, just think how Dad would feel,
knowing we cracked a case he couldn't solve in twenty
years.
Daphne: Oh, dear, you're right.
Frasier: Wait. It's merely serendipity that I stumbled into this.
Why can't it happen again? I simply rearrange the photos
in a way that Dad will see the connection. All right,
we've got KoKo, the gun, and Helen.
[Martin comes from his room.]
Martin: What is it. No, hey, Frasier! What are you doin' over
there?
Frasier: Sorry Dad.
Martin: No, no, no, I got these all set out the way I want 'em.
This one goes up...
[He stares at the photos as everone stares hopefully at him.]
Martin: I'll be damned.
Frasier: Something wrong?
Martin: Look at that!
Frasier: What?
Martin: Well, I never thought it would just leap out and bite me
like this. I think I may have solved this pain in the ass
case.
Niles: You have?
Frasier: Dad, that's wonderful news!
Martin: Oh, don't get too excited. I mean, this is kind of far
fetched. I mean, it's a long shot, but, it's beginning to
make sense to me.
Frasier: Here, lay it all out for us.
Martin: No, no guys, please, just give me a little privacy will ya?
I just gotta do some thinking.
Niles: No problem, Dad.
Daphne: I was just going to bed myself. Night all.
Niles: [turning to stare after her] Goodnight Daphne.
[Frasier walks over to stand by Niles.]
Niles: Oh, look at him. Do you see the sparkle in his eye? Oh,
Frasier, he's like a little kid at Christmas.
Martin: Oh, geez, what happened to my entry wound close-ups?
Frasier: Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!
[Fade out.]
Scene 2 - Frasier's Apartment
USE A MONKEY, GO TO JAIL
[Fade in. Daphne is sitting on the couch, Frasier enters.]
Frasier: Hello Daphne.
Daphne: Hello.
Frasier: Is Dad home?
Daphne: Nope, I haven't seen him since he knocked me up early this
morning.
[Frasier, putting his coat up, slows and turns.]
Frasier: What?
Daphne: Knocked me up. Woke me up. It's an English expression.
What does it mean here?
Frasier: Oh, something else. You'd definately be awake for it,
though. [He heads for the sherry.]
Daphne: He was headed down to the station house to present his
theory.
Frasier: Oh, dear God, I wish he hadn't done that. You know, I've
been turning it over in my mind all day. The more I think
about it, the goofier it sounds. I mean, a MONKEY. Let's
hope they didn't laugh him out of the station, be one hell
of way to end a thirty year police carreer.
Daphne: Oh, now, now, Dr. Crane, it's not the most outlandish
theory in the world.
Frasier: You're right, I could have said it was a trained girraffe.
I suppose it killed her by spitting a bullet at her, thus
explaining the downward trajectory.
Martin: Hey guys.
Daphne: Hello.
Frasier: Hi Dad.
Martin: I don't suppose we've heard anything from the station
house, huh?
Daphne: Not yet.
Martin: I was afraid of that. I mean I knew my theory was a bit
iffy, but when I told the guys they looked at me like I
lost my mind.
Frasier: Gee, they didn't ridicule you, did they?
Martin: Oh, no, they always treat old timers with respect. They
said 'I'll check it out.' Just like I used to when some
nutbag would come in there with alluminum foil in his hat
claiming the martians were trying to steal his brain waves.
Daphne: I'm sorry Mr. Crane.
Martin: Oh, I don't know what I was thinking of. I've been walking
around all afternoon just trying to figure out how I came
up with such a half-assed theory.
Frasier: Dad, it wasn't your fault. I did it.
Martin: You killed her?
Frasier: No. But I did plant that ridiculous idea in your head.
Remember last night when you came in, so upset that I was
rearranging your pictures? Well, I rearranged them in a
specific way so that you would...come to the same
conclusion I did.
Martin: So you had the idea first?
Frasier: I can't tell you how terrible I feel.
Martin: Ah, don't blame yourself. You might have put the alluminum
foil in my hat, but I walked right into the station wearin'
it.
[The doorbell rings.]
Daphne: I'll get it.
[She opens the door. A man in casual clothes comes in.]
Frank: Hiya Marty.
Martin: Hey, Frank. Frasier, Daphne, you remember Frank Hollings
from the precinct.
Frank: Hey Marty, we gotta talk.
Martin: Frank, about that theory of mine.
Frank: I can't for the life of me figure what you were thinking.
Martin: I know, I know. I just feel so stupid, wasting your time.
Frank: It cost us a whole afternoon, and five detectives' time.
And all we got to show for it is...heh, heh, we got the
bastard!
Martin: I was right?
Frank: Hey, you don't believe me, ask these derelicts.
[He opens the door and a bunch of cops, some in uniform, come in with
beers. They are all congratulating Martin. 'Hey! Way to go Marty!
' 'Marty, you still got it! ' 'And it only took you twenty years!']
Daphne: Oh, Mr. Crane, I'm so proud of you.
Frasier: Oh, this is so wonderful! [as a man spills beer on the
couch] Oh, that's suede!
[He and Daphne rush to the kitchen to get towels.]
Cop: So Marty, how did you do it?
Martin: Well, for years, I thought it was Robbethai, the logger.
And then I thought maybe it was Brisbane the animal trainer,
but I was wrong.
Frank: How did you finally decide that it was Detective Shelby?
Martin: Well, I kept lookin' at that photo, and it kept buggin' me,
you know? Why was she trying to write 'help' in the dirt
and then it came to me! She was trying to write the
killer's name 'Shelby'. Only she must've died before she
finished the 'b' and and somebody must've kicked dirt over
the 's'.
Frank: Well you nailed him all right. We pulled him in for
interrogation and he cracked like a nut.
[Cut to the kitchen.]
Daphne: Oh, I'm sorry I ever doubted you. But, then, you yourself
were begining to wonder if a monkey could really commit a
murder.
Frasier: Well I may momentarily doubted it, but from time to time I
have to be reminded to trust my gift.
[They go out to the living room]
Martin: So, did you call the girl's mother yet?
Frank: Nah, we left that for you. After all, you were the guy who
solved this thing.
Martin: Ah, well, actually, I can't take all the credit for this,
right Frasier? Come on, get over here.
Frasier: Now, now, Dad.
Martin: Nah, come on, don't be shy. I'm proud of ya. You know, I
was a cop for thirty years and it took my son with his
Ph.D. mind to crack this baby.
Daphne: Of course, I was standing next to him at the time.
Frank: So, tell us about it Frasier.
Frasier: Oh, no.
[They all shout encouragement.]
Frasier: All right, I hate to toot my own horn, but, if it will make
Dad happy. I suppose it was my expertice in human behavior
combined with a lifelong enthusiasm for the Rowandan
lowland gorilla that first set me thinking about the
monkey.
[Everyone looks confused.]
Frank: I'm not sure I'm following you.
Frasier: Perhaps I'm going too fast, I'll go slower. The key was
when I figured out if Brisbane could teach a monkey to
impersonate George Washington, then surely he could teach a
monkey to cock a revolver, sneak up a fire escape, lie in
wait for Helen, pump her full of lead and then make his
getaway, perhaps even still wearing the revolutionary war
regalia to confuse any chance witnesses. In fact, and this
is way out there, but geez, maybe you should check to see
if there were any local bank robberies at the time that
were commited by a short, hairy man wearing a powdered wig.
Martin: You think the monkey was the killer?
Daphne: When I said I was standing next to him, I was really most
of the way across the room. [She leaves.]
Frasier: Well, wasn't he?
Martin: No, it was Shelby.
Frasier: Who's Shelby?
Martin: He was a vice cop. He was in love with Helen.
Frasier: Oh. Well, that was my second choice. [Everyone bursts out
laughing.] Can I freshen anyone's drink?
Frank: Help me out here, Frasier. What did you think the monkey's
motive was? Jealousy? Or maybe he just did it for the
insurance money.
Cop: Hey, hey, hey. Do you think we should put a tail on that
monkey?
Another: If that monkey did it, he'll swing for this.
Frasier: Yes, yes, that's all very funny.
Martin: Oh, come on, Frasier you can take a joke, can't you?
Frasier: Oh, I supposes I can. Oh wait! I've got one. Who do
you suppose the monnkey will get to defend him?
Clarance Darrow?
[Everyone is stone silent and confused.]
Frasier: The Scopes Monkey trial... You know, Darwin's theory of
evolution... It was turned into a Pulitzer Prize winning
novel, Inherit the Wind. [giving up, to a cop] Is that
gun loaded?
[Fade out.]
Credits:
Frasier comes in the front door. Daphne is sprawled on the couch,
red stains on her face and clothes. Eddies is sitting on the table
above her, a gun in his mouth. Martin comes out with a bottle of
ketchup and he and Daphne burst out laughing. Frasier make a 'Ha,
ha.' face.
Legal Stuff
This episode capsule is copyright 2000 by Nick Hartley, David
Langley. This episode summary remains property of Frasier, Copyright
of Paramount Productions and NBC. Printed without permission.
