Seat Of Power Written by Steven Levitan
Directed by James Burrows
=====================================================================
Production Code: 2.11.
Original Airdate on NBC: 13th December 1994
Transcript written on September 2000.
Transcript {john masson}
Act One, Scene A: KACL radio station. The Frasier Crane Show.
Frasier: (on air) Well, I think we have time for one last call, who's
up next, Roz?
Roz: We have Elliot, on line three.
Frasier: Hello, Elliot. I'm listening.
Elliot: (v.o. He sounds like a thirteen year old) Well, you see Dr Crane,
I have a problem. I'm a salesman...
Frasier: Ah, a salesman? How old are you?
Elliot: (v.o.) Fortythree.
Frasier: Fortythree?
Elliot: (v.o.) Yes.
Frasier: Now tell. Let's be truthful.
Elliot: (v.o.) I'm fortythree.
Frasier: Elliot, we were not born yesterday. Clearly you are just an
adolescent, trying to prove to your little friends how clever
you are by getting on the radio. But y'know, you are really
doing, you're taking time away from people with real problems.
Elliot: (v.o.) Hey, I'm fortythree. I was born in New Providence. I
have a very young sounding voice that people make fun of all
the time.
Frasier: (contrite) Oh, I'm so sorry, Elliot, that was very insensitive
of me.
Elliot: (v.o.) Hah! Gotcha Dr Duffus!
Frasier: ..Yes indeed you did 'Get us', Elliot but we are not so stuffy
here on this programme that we can't laugh at ourselves from
time to time. (off air) Roz, can't you keep these pimply faces
little maggots off the air?! (on air) Well, that's our show
for today. This is Dr Crane signing off and wishing you good
mental health. (off air. Goes through Roz's booth) Have a good
weekend, Roz.
Roz: Wait, Frasier. I want to ask you a question, and I want you
to give me an honest answer.
Frasier: No, that outfit does not make you look fat.
Roz: Well, that wasn't the question. Why would you think it was?
Frasier: Well, as a rule, when a woman prefaces a question with 'I want
an honest answer', that's usually the question.
Roz: Well, I'm not that insecure.
Frasier: Good. I'm sorry. You were right. Your question please.
Roz: Would you say the back of my head is unattractive?
Frasier: Roz, have you completely lost your mind?
Roz: No, I'm serious. You know how i have season tickets to the Sea-
hawks games? Well, there's this really cute guy who sits right
behind me, and a few weeks ago we said 'Hi' and we smiled at
each other, but so far he hasn't asked me out yet. so I was
thinking there was something, y'know, weird about the back of
my head.
Frasier: Roz, there could be hundreds of reasons why he hasn't asked
you out.
Roz: (sarcastic) Thank you, that makes me feel much better.
Frasier: No, no, maybe he's married, maybe he's in a relationship, maybe
he's gay. Or maybe, just maybe, he's there to watch a football
game and not cruise chicks.
Roz: .. Okay, you're right. I'm being ridiculous.
Frasier: Of course you are. See you Monday.
Roz: All right. (catches Frasier staring at the back of her head)
I saw that! (chases him out of booth)
Heir To The Throne
Scene B: Frasier's apartment. He is sitting at the table whilst Eddie
stares at him.
Frasier: You are not getting the rest of my scone, so just forget it..
(takes a bite out of scone) Mhmm. Really good too. Yumm, yum
yum yum.. Listen, I don't care, you can sit there 'til you're
blue in the face.. As far as I'm concerned, you don't even exist,
you're not even here.. (he goes back to reading his paper, but
soon crumbles under Eddie's unrelenting stare) Oh all right,
here! (gives rest of scone to Eddie, who runs off with it)
Martin enters.
Martin: Ahh, got you again, huh? You're such a soft touch.
Frasier: I am not.
Martin: Well, he never begs while I'm eating.
Frasier: Maybe he doesn't like what you're eating.
Martin: Trust me, he's not picky. I saw him eat a beetle.
Daphne enters from bedroom, putting on her coat.
Daphne: Eddie?! Let's go for another walk.
Martin: I thought you already walked him this morning?
Daphne: I did, twice.
Martin: He's gotta go again?
Daphne: No, actually I do.. That didn't sound right. There's a very
nice looking gentleman who plays frizbee in the park with his
labrador. Eddie and I are hoping to run into them again. (Eddie
doesn't want to move) C'mon, Eddie. He's just playing hard to
get.
Frasier: I'm glad somebody is.
Daphne and Eddie leave.
Martin: Hey Frasier, how about fixing that toilet of yours? It keeps
running all the time, the noise is driving me crazy.
Frasier: All right, Dad. I'll call a plumber.
Martin: What do you mean, 'Call a plumber'? You've got two hands, fix
it yourself.
The doorbell bing-bongs. Frasier goes to answer it.
Frasier: Dad, I am a doctor. More important things to do with my life
than to fix a toilet.
Opens door to Niles, who enters.
Niles: Good news, Frasier. I pulled some strings with the spa, and
they're squeezing us in for a salt blow with our swedish massage.
Frasier: Fabulous!
Martin: Ahh, forget about a plumber, I'll do it myself. My manicurist
cancelled on me.
Frasier: Dad, you will not do it yourself.
Martin: I'll bet you don't even have any tools around here.
Frasier: Oh well, that's where you're wrong. Let me show you something,
mister. Here. (opens drawer and pulls out a pocket toolkit.
It's like a Swiss Army knife, but has pliers, allan keys etc.
instead of blades. Very useful when it's in the glove compartment
of your car, but you try using it to remove the battery strap
when you're stuck in the middle of nowhere!) See this? Every
possible tool for every possible need. Got this from Hamerker-
schlemmer.
Niles: Is that turquoise inlay?
Frasier: Yes, it also comes in ebony and onyx.
Niles: Onyx. Onyx is so showy. I don't..
Frasier: Oh, I don't think so. I love onyx, it resonates within me..
They argue like this for a few seconds, until:
Martin: This is why I never took any home movies. You two realise what
a couple of delicate doilies you are? Shee, you don't even know
the meaning of the word self-reliant. Thank God there's not
a national disaster happening, you'd be helpless. (exits)
Niles: (examining the toolkit) Oh! A lemon zester!
Frasier: Yes.. You know Niles, I'd actually like to fix that toilet,
just to prove Dad wrong.
Niles: Frasier. When a man is born with superior genes, the last
challenge he should face involving a toilet is learning how
to use one.
Frasier: Yes, but we.. We've connquered the intellectual world, but
in the world of nuts and bolts we're at the mercy of tradesmen.
Niles: You're serious?
Frasier: Yes! We could borrow some tools and fix it ourselves. It would
be good practical experience, and it would shut Dad up.
Niles: We'll show him! We're made of tougher stuff than he thinks!
Frasier: Exactly.
Niles: And it's early. We can let the Eucaliptus wrap be our reward.
If You Want It done Right...
Scene C: Frasier's bathroom. As you'd expect, it's the height of good
taste. Frasier is pondering a ballcock while reading a 'How
to do it' manual, as Niles phones Maris. (Of course Frasier
has a phone in his bathroom!)
Niles: (on phone) Maris. I'm afraid I'll be delayed a few hours. Frasier
and I have taken it upon ourselves to tackle a home repair..
Yes, I'm working with my hands.. Yes, I've worked up a bit of
a sweat.. I suppose I could take my shirt off..
Frasier: Niles, what are you doing?
Niles: She seems to be getting aroused at my attempt at manual labour.
(on phone) Maris? I'm holding some sort of wrench..
Frasier: (taking phone) Give me that! (on phone) Hello, Maris? Maris,
Niles is busy now.. No, never mind what I'm wearing. (hangs
up) May we continue, please?
Niles: Fine. All right. (starts reading out instructions) 'Take the
ballcock assembly, thread it through the tank hole..'
Frasier: Done.
Niles: '..And fasten it under the tank with a Lock Nut'.
Frasier: Yes, very well, locknut. You see Niles, until today, you didn't
even know what a locknut was.
Niles: That Niles is dead. Call me Dutch.
Frasier: You know Niles, working with our hands like this, I'm reminded
of that glorious tradition of the Amish barn raising. All the
men of the village coming together, the mind, the muscle, all
toward that simple, yet extraordinary goal.. All right. We are
ready to flush.
Niles: Here's to what the Crane brothers can accomplish when they put
their minds to it. Flush away.
Frasier flushes the toilet.
Frasier: It's working! Oh my God, it's working. Look, it's draining out
of the tank, into the bowl..
Niles: It's filling the bowl, and then the tank, I've seen it a million
times, but never has it meant so much!
Frasier: It's glorious.
Niles: Frasier? Shouldn't it be stopping now?
Frasier: One would think so, yes.
The bowl overflows. The Crane boys panic.
Niles: Ohh, ohh.
Frasier: Ohh. (referring to instructions) Look it up. What does it say
to do now?
Niles: It says, oh it says nothing! Where are all your Amish friends
now?
End of Act One (Time:x:xx)
The Circle Of Life
Act Two, Scene A: Frasier's Lounge. Niles hands Frasier a glass of wine.
Niles: The plumber's been called, the wine is properly chilled, suddenly
my world makes sense again.
Frasier: We've had a tough day. We've tangled with a little pipe and
porcelain. Now it's Montrechat time.
Niles: When you think about it, the only mistake today was trying to
fix that toilet ourselves.
Frasier: Yes, we tampered with the natural order of things.
Niles: But now, order has been restored. By hiring a plumber, that
plumber can now afford, say, a Dolly Parton album. Miss Parton
can then finance a national tour which will of course come to
Seattle, allowing some local promoter to make enough money to
send his cross-dressing teenage son to us for $150 an hour
therapy.
Frasier: To the circle of life. (the doorbell bing-bongs as Martin enters)
That must be the plumber.
Martin: Well, are you going to answer that, or are you going to hire
somebody to do that for you too?
Frasier: Dad, we tried, okay?
Daphne enters carrying a mop as the doorbell bing-bongs again.
She's obviously been clearing up the mess in the toilet.
Daphne: Oh please, I wasn't doing anything. Let me get it. (answers door
to the plumber, Danny)
Danny: Somebody call for a plumber?
Daphne: Not nearly soon enough.
Martin: Follow me. (he and Danny exit to toilet)
Daphne: What a lovely way to spend an afternoon.
Frasier: Well Daphne, we're not plumbers, we're psychiatrists.
Daphne: Yeah, well there are some heads you shouldn't tamper with.
(exits to toilet)
Niles: (getting very aggitated) Frasier, you've got to get him out
of here.
Frasier: What?
Niles: That man is not fit to touch your toilet!
Frasier: Niles, have you been self medicating again?
Niles: That was Danny Creasle.
Frasier: Creasle the weasel? How can you be sure, it's been 25 years.
Niles: I'd recognise him anywhere. He bullied me throughout my entire
childhood!
Frasier: He certainly didn't recognise you just now.
Niles: Well, perhaps that was because he wasn't sticking my head down
a toilet and FLUSHING IT! That was his trademark. He called
it a swirley.
Frasier: Niles, you don't have to remind me of the Creasle reign of terror.
I'm quite convinced I can trace my fear of confined spaces back
to the time when his older brother Billy shoved me into a locker
for wearing a girl's field hockey uniform.
Niles: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to deny you your pain.
Frasier: Thank you.
Niles: I can still hear the laughter, and Creasle's mocking voice as
he hoists me over the bowl. 'Hold your breath, Jocko'. Then
the crowd would start its awful chant. 'There goes Crane, Down
the drane, There goes Crane, Down the..'
Frasier: NILES! Niles, get a hold of youself! Stop it! Stop, stop. It's
all right. You're no longer an awkward teenager, you're a
reknowned psychiatrist. Danny Creasle may have won a battle
or two back in junior high, but that's where he peaked. You
won the war. You know the expression? 'Living well is the
best revenge'?
Niles: It's a wonderful expression. Just don't know how true it is.
Don't see it turning up in a lot of opera plots. 'Ludvig, madd-
ened by the poisoning of his entire family wreaks vengence on
Guthar in the third act by living well'.
Frasier: All right.
Niles: 'Whereupon Voltan, discovering his deception, wreaks vengence
on Gunthar in the third act again by living even better than
the Duke'.
Frasier: Oh, all right!
Cut to Frasier's bathroom. Danny is fixing the toilet, Martin is keeping
an eye on his work.
Martin: That's a new part, right?
Danny: Yeah.
Martin: 'Cos I'm sure you're charging me for a new part, so I wouldn't
want you charging me for a used part.
Danny: What are you, the plumbing police?
Martin: (exiting) I'll be back.
Niles enters.
Niles: Don't mind me, just came in for some asprin. Tanic acid gives
me the tiniest headache. That's the price I pay for drinking
nothing but expensive wine.
Danny: (not reacting to jibe) Hey. (whistles to get Niles's attention
You got a real mess here. I'm gonna have to call the shop, have
my partner bring out a whole lot'a new parts, You're looking
at two guys on golden time, is that okay with you?
Niles: It's only money. Hm.
Danny: Say, uh, has somebody been trying to fix this thing?
Niles: Not me. I don't even set the clock in my Mercedes E320.
Danny: Boy, that's a nice car.
Niles: Yes, I should say it is.
Danny: Yeah, I had one for a while. But it was too small for the whole
family, so we upgraded to the S class.
Niles: You have the big Mercedes?
Danny: Oh yeah. And I gotta tell you, my 13 year-old's already got
his eye on it. That's a great kid right there. Except he got
in a fight at school the other day.
Niles: Oh really, (going to flush the toilet while Danny has his head
in the bowl) With some small boned child with superior language
skills? (quickly takes hand away as Danny looks up)
Danny: Naah. It was some big jerk on the football team who tried to
steal his lunch money.
Niles: Ahh.
Danny: Yeah.
Niles: (attempting to flush toilet again) Well, there's nothing like
a bully.
Danny: Well, I gotta tell you; I'd rather he'd be a bully than one
of those woosey kids that always get picked on. You know the
kind I'm talking about? Kids who are too gutless to fight back?
Niles: (about to push Danny's head into the toilet) You admire someone
who fights back, do you?
Danny: Well sure. I mean, if you don't fight back, what are you? You're
a woose. You're a wimp. You're a...
Frasier enters in time to stop Niles lunging at Danny. Danny
doesn't notice.
Frasier: STOP! Niles, leave the man alone while he's trying to work!
Scene B: Frasier's lounge area. He is watching Niles pacing about on
the balcony. Niles is angry, flinging his arms about. Daphne
enters.
Daphne: What's Dr Crane doing?
Frasier: He's a little fustrated because I wouldn't let him do something.
He's taking his anger out on my Fikus.
Daphne: I've never seen him so angry, he's like a madman.
Niles's arm waving gets more extreme. Freasier lets him in.
Niles: Good Lord! There's a bee out there the size of a woodfinch!
Frasier: Niles, you've had a chance to cool off, you ready to talk about
this now?
Niles: No I'm not ready yet. (goes into kitchen. Frasier follows)
Frasier: Niles. I have to be honest. I'm a little disappointed in you.
Were you actually going to stick another human being's head
into a toilet?
Niles: (getting soda from fridge)You don't seem to understand, I feel
this RAGE! It's as if this beast has been awakened within me!
(he can't get the top off the bottle, so hands it to Frasier)
Could you get that for me?
Frasier: Niles, you see there is a beast in all of us, part of becoming
a rational adult is learning to control it. That's what seperates
us from the Creasle's of this world.
Niles: That, and their tendency to squat on their haunches and groom
each other.
Frasier: Don't you see, you have an opportunity with Danny that I never
had with Billy. To confront him as a rational adult and achieve
some closure.
Niles: Easier said than done, Frasier. One look at that oafish face,
those dead Creasle eyes.. you see there is no chance for comm-
unication.
Frasier: Yes, there is, Niles. There has to be.
Niles: I can't go in there and talk to him. If the coward turns his
back on me, I'll attack him again.
Frasier: No, you won't. (taking Niles by the hand) You're not a child
anymore, now come with me, I'm taking you to the bathroom.
Cut to bathroom. Danny and his partner are still working on the toilet
as Frasier and Niles enter.
Niles: (to Danny) Excuse me sir, I'd like to have a word with you.
Danny: Yeah, go ahead.
Niles: I'd like to take you back in time to the 1970's. There was an
intellectually gifted young student at John Adams Junior High.
You took it upon yourself to terrorise that student, simply
because he was different from you. I was that student.
Danny: No kidding?
Niles: I was hoping we could step into the living room and come to
some sort of understanding.
Danny: It's okay with me. Any room in the house is still 59 bucks an
hour. (they leave) I'll be right back, Billy.
Frasier: Billy?
Billy: (getting up) Ah, that's my brother for ya. Always getting into
stuff. But if you ask me, your friend over there is getting
all worked up over nothing.
Frasier: You think so, Billy?
Billy: Kids pick on other kids, it's part of growing up. If anything,
it made those weak kids tougher.
Frasier: Really?
Billy: Come on, you're a big guy. You must have been involved in some
kinda stuff?
Frasier: Oh, I was involved... Billy, I would like to take you back in
time..
Billy: No. Let me take you back. I remember once, we jammed this
poindexter into a locker, wearing a girls field hockey uniform!
Cut to lounge area.
Danny: No, I'm sorry. I just don't remember you.
Niles: Well, perhaps you'll remember third period gym class. You used
to make me wear my jockstrap like a tiara?
Danny: Oh yeah. Were you the kid who used to carry his gym shorts in
an attache case?
Niles: It was a valise.
Danny: I remember you. Boy, those were some crazy times. You ever see
any of the old gang?
Niles: Look you're missing the point. I was severely scarred by those
experiences..
Danny: Hey, wait a minute. I can't defend everything I did back in
junior high, I mean who can? But let's face it, when you show
up at school wearing a tweed blazer with elbow patches and
carrying a valise, I mean, I think the guilt here is 50-50.
Cut to bathroom. Billy is still enjoying the trip down memory lane.
Billy: .. he's yelling at us something about repressed tendancies,
so we stuffed a fire extinguisher down his pants. We called
it..
Frasier: A jet pack.
Billy: That's it! Man, you remember them all.
Cut to lounge area.
Niles: Well then, my next question to you would be 'Why would you
behave this way?'
Danny: Well, I don't know. I mean, I guess because people thought it
was funny.
Niles: I see, I see. So then, to get this validation, you would, say,
squeeze my head between your ankles and hop around the lunch
room?
Danny: I did that to you?
Niles: Yes. How does that make you feel?
Danny: ...Well kinda bad.
Niles: The healing has begun!
Cut to bathroom.
Billy: ..So, so in front of the whole bus, we pants him. He's yelling
at us: 'Give me back my pants', but whoops, they fell out the
window.
Cut to lounge area. By this time, Danny is lying on the couch.
Niles: So then it's possible these acts of aggresion were misplaced
outbursts aimed at your father.
Danny: (almost in tears) Yes.
Niles: He was the real bully, wasn't he?
Danny: Oh, yes!
Niles: Let it out, Danny, let it out!
Danny: Nothing I ever did was good enough for him. I am so sorry that
I picked on you, man. I just wanted to be good at something,
and I was good at that.
Niles: You were the best.
Cut to bathroom.
Billy: ..Then we made him hula in his underwear in front of all the
girls! You should'a been there!
Frasier: I was there! (lunges at Billy)
Cut to lounge area.
Danny: Thanks. This has just been terrific for me.
Niles: I can't take all the credit. Half the thanks belongs to my
brother. He convinced me a civilised person can work anything
out, as long as he approach it in a calm, rational manner.
Frasier enters running for his life, followed by a very wet Billy.
Frasier: Run, Niles, run! The beast is loose!
Scene C: Frasier's bathroom. Frasier and Eddie watch as Martin fixes
the toilet.
Martin: So you really shoved his head right in here?
Frasier: I don't know, dad. It's all really sort of a blur. I guess I
just lost control.
Martin: Bet it felt good though, didn't it?
Frasier: No. It felt damn good.
Martin: Aah, it's too bad you didn't do it twenty years ago, you could'a
given him a much better swirley. These low-flow toilets don't
have the same velocity as the old ones. So what did he do to
you?
Frasier: He didn't have the nerve to do a thing.
Martin: You paid him off, huh?
Frasier: I've nevr written a cheque so quickly in my life.
Martin: (flushing toilet) Well, there she goes. Good as new.
Frasier: Thanks dad. Can I buy you a beer?
Martin: Oh yeah, sounds good. C'mon Eddie. (Eddie has a drink from the
bowl) Oh, for God's sake Eddie, don't drink out of the toilet.
Some guy just had his head in there!
End of Act Two (Time: xx:xx)
Credits:
Daphne is using the telescope to search the park. She spots
the guy with the labrador and rushes round the apartment, looking
for Eddie who is hiding. She decides to go to the park without
him.
Thanks To...
Transcript written by JOHN MASSON
Edited by NICHOLAS HARTLEY
Legal Stuff
This episode capsule is copyright 2000 by "The Frasier Files".
This episode summary remains property of Frasier, Copyright
of Paramount Productions and NBC. Printed without permission.
