Selling Out Written by Lloyd Garver
Directed by Andy Ackerman
=====================================================================
Production Code: 1.9.
Original Airdate on NBC: xxx
Transcript written on December 13th 1999.
Quotes and Scene Summary {john masson}
Act One, Scene A: KACL Radio Station. Frasier is on line with Roger.
Roger: ...Well, I had a really good year. I decided hey, why not reward
myself. So I bought what I really wanted - A 48 foot cabin cruiser.
Know how much it cost me? I'll tell you how much it cost me.
300 grand, not to mention the $20,000 custom teak decking. Now
here's my problem. The wife wants to call this incredible vessel
'Lulubelle' after her mother. Lulubelle, for Christ's sake. No,
we call it the 'Intrepid'. So what do you think it should be
called? Lulubelle or the Intrepid?
Frasier: Roger, at Cornell University they have an incredible piece of
scientific equipment known as the Tunnelling Electron Microscope.
Now, this microscope is so powerful that by firing electrons
you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesimally
minute building blocks of our universe. Roger, if I were using
that microscope, right now, I still wouldn't be able to locate
my interest in your problem. Thank you for your call. (Roz enters
and hands him a piece of paper) And now, (reading) 'Hungry for
Chinese tonight? I always..' uh I'm sorry, I just.. we're
experiencing technical difficulties. Let's go to a pre-recorded
commercial message. (goes into Roz's booth) Roz, why did you
hand me this copy? I don't do personal endorsments.
Roz: What is the big deal? All the other personalities do them.
Frasier: The other personalities aren't doctors. If I allow myself to
become a common pitchman I lose all my credibility. I am a wise
man, a shaman.
Roz: Zip up your fly, wise man.
As he does so, Bulldog walks in.
Bulldog: Woah, Doc! This is a radio studio, not a bus terminal.
Frasier: Look who's here, Roz. Noel Coward.
Roz: Listen Bulldog, I hate to mix business with revulsion, but Frasier,
as usual, will not do this promo...
Bulldog: Love to. (snatches copy from Roz)
Roz: Great. I need it done now.
Bulldog: No problem. Doc, doc, with all due respect, you're an idiot.
These promos are easy money.
Frasier: The money is irrelevant. It's a question of integrity.
Bulldog: Integrity. (raps on Frazier's forehead) Hello? We're talking
mucho dinero. But hey, the more you turn these down, the more
liver snacks for the Bulldog. (goes into recording booth)
Frasier: (reading a piece of paper from Roz's desk) What is this with
my name on it here, Roz?
Roz: Oh, that's the contract for the 'Hounong Palace' gig. It's how
much they were going to pay you.
Frasier: Wow.
Roz: I guess I need to have them change the name on here to Bulldog's.
Frasier: They pay you that much money just to read some copy?
Roz: Yeah. Of course, Bulldog usually adds his own special touch.
Bulldog: (on air. Bad chinese stereotype accent) Ohh. So you come chop-chop
to 'Hoonan Parace', where pekin duck is awrays extla clispy.
Roz: (to Frasier) We're gonna get sued this time, for sure.
Would You Buy An
Eggroll From This Man?
Scene B: Frasier's Apartment. Martin and Dapne are sorting out some photos.
Frasier enters.
Frasier: Dammit! I just put a dent in my front bumper when I pulled in
to my parking space. Does anybody know what happened to that
tennis ball I hung over my space so I wouldn't pull up too far?
On cue, Eddie pads up to Frasier and drops the ball at his feet,
so it can be thrown again.
Martin: He was bored, he needed a toy. Hey, go ahead and throw it, he'll
run and get it for you. (Frasier picks up the ball, goes to the
balcony and throws it over the edge, inviting Eddie to fetch.)
He didn't think that was funny, amd he knows where you sleep.
Frasier: Dad, Daphne, a situation has arisen over at work and uh, I'm
not sure how it should be handled. I was hoping maybe your
objective viewpoint could uh, be helpful.
Martin: Sure. Shoot.
Frasier: Well, what would you think if I did a commercial and publicly
endorsed a product?
Daphne: Oh, you mean like Cher does?
Frasier: Thank you Daphne, one against. Dad?
Martin: What's the product?
Frasier: Well, the station wanted me to do a commercial for a chinese
restaurant.
Martin: Well, what's the problem?
Frasier: Well, I hold a position of trust in this community, and people
do what I tell them to and I would hate to be accused of abusing
that position. The thought of a doctor selling things is kind
of distastful, don't you think?
Daphne: What about Dr Sneezy's cold medicine?
Frasier: Dr Sneezy is a cartoon character. The fact that he's a giant
purple hippopotamus should have probably tipped you off.
Martin: I say take the money and run.
Frasier: Well, you know, I'm tempted, if for no other reason than to keep
Bulldog from further alienating the Asian-American community.
I just want to make sure I don't compromise my principles.
Daphne: Dr Crane, you've dedicated your live to helping people, haven't
you?
Frasier: Well, yes.
Daphne: Well, suppose one of your listeners was in a quandry over where
to buy good chinese food? Wouldn't your commercial be helping
them?
Martin: Look, why don't you just go down there, if you like the food
do the commercial, if you don't, don't.
Frasier: I suppose that's the logical approach. Why don't the three of
us go tonight? I'll make a call. Oh, I'd better make the
reservations under a different name, I don't want any special
treatment, you know. (dials) I want them.. I just want to be
treated like an average working Joe. (into phone) Good evening..
Yes.. yes, we'd like a reservation for three this evening at
eight.. Oh, nothing 'til ten? Ohh well then, ahh, this is Dr
Frasier Crane.. From the radio and ah.. Yes, I thought you might.
Thank you. (hangs up) We're in at 9:45.
Scene C: The radio station. Frasier is finishing off his commercial.
Frasier: Did I say tasty? Tasty doesn't do justice to those succulent
pot-stickers. And the kun-pow chicken, ooh, don't get me started.
So if you've got a yen for chinese tonight, hurry on down to
the Hounong Palace. Well, that's it for today. This is Dr Frasier
Crane hoping we'll see you tomorrow, on KACL 780 AM. (off air.
Roz enters the recording booth) You know Roz, I think I'm getting
the knack for doing these promos. Did you hear that little ad-lib
I did about the 'yen' for chinese food?
Roz: Yeah. By the way, 'yen' is japanese, not chinese.
Frasier: Well... Did I tell you, I got a call from the owners of the
Hounong Palace the other day, they said that since I started
doing these commercials their business had gone up by 30%.
Roz: Well, isn't that what advertising is supposed to do?
Frasier: Yes it is, Miss Sour-Britches, give me a little credit. My God,
I've pleased the boys upstairs, I've gotten perfect strangers
to try a new restaurant, and most importantly, I've helped a
struggling immigrant family who came to these shores a mere
twelve years ago, with nothing more than a dream, a few recipes,
and a wok.
Frasier exits into corridor to find a woman (Bebe) waiting for
him.
Bebe: Dr Crane? What a privilege this is.
Frasier: Excuse me?
Bebe: Bebe Glaser. I'm Bulldog Briscoe's agent.
Frasier: Ahh. Ahh, well. Pleasure meeting you.
Bebe: Listen. I'm not usually this forward, but I'm going to come right
out and say it, I've done some research and I know you're not
represented by anyone, how would you feel about signing on with
me as a client, if your answer is no it won't hurt my feelings.
Frasier: Well I really don't think so.
Bebe: (sorrowfully) Why?
Frasier: It's not that I'm not flattered, Miss Glaser, but umm.. you see
I'm not really a radio personality per se.
Bebe: Oh come on, Dr Crane, I've heard those spots you've done for
that chinese restaurant, you make me want to stuff my face full
of eggrolls and.. I don't know what.
Frasier: Thank you. Uhh.. but I.. you see, I dine at the Hounong Palace
frequently, and uhh, that's the only reason I did those commercials.
Bebe: The last thing I would ever want you to do is to advertise
something you don't believe in. I am an agent, not a pimp.
Frasier: Well, I don't mean to offend..
Bebe: Are you kidding? You're terrific, you can't offend me. Let me
just leave you with my card.
Frasier: Well I really don't think that's nessesary.
Bebe: (snatches card back) Give me back my card. I will not let you
call me. It is too refreshing to meet someone who isn't seduced
by the almighty dollar. I would refuse your call. (checks watch)
Ah, I've got to go. Flying to Paulo Alto, my daughter's at Stanford.
(starts to leave) Ah. Wait. You don't have kids, do you?
Frasier: Well yes, I have a five year old son.
Bebe: Lucky you, you won't have to worry about it for years. (starts
to leave again)
Frasier: Worry about what?
Bebe: (returns) Tuition, innocent. Oh wait, I see. You're
going to send him to a state college.
Frasier: Well no, no. I plan to send him to my alma mater, Harvard.
Bebe: Ouch! Kiss it and make it better. Have you seen Business Week's
projection for college costs the year 2010? (gives a small, high
pitched squeal) Oh. I've got to go, that plane is not going to
wait for little Bebe. (walks off again)
Frasier: Well,you know, maybe we should talk, sometime.
Bebe: Let's talk now. (comes back) I think I can die peacefully
without seeing the first half of the Stanford - Cal game. (they
walk off arm in arm)
Frasier: You see it's not that I object to doing commercials, it's just
that I would have to try a product first before I could endorse
it.
Bebe: Dr Crane, I wouldn't have it any other way.
That Better Be Your Foot
Scene D: A bathroom showroom. Frasier, Daphne and Martin are in swimming
costumes, sitting in a jaccuzzi.
Martin: Tell me again why I'm here?
Frasier: Because if I do the commercial I have to say that my friends
and family enjoy this, and I won't say it unless it's true.
Daphne: I feel kind of silly sitting here in the showroom.
Frasier: Well I apologise for that, but it's the best place to try one.
So, tell me the truth. Aren't you two enjoying this?
Daphne: Well, I do like the bubbles. It's a little like sitting in hot
champange. Not that I've done that very much.
Frasier: Dad, did you know that this unit is made from the same heat
resistant space-age polymer that's used on the NASA's space
shuttles.
Martin: Great. Next time I'm re-entering the earth's atmosphere in a
hot tub I won't have to worry.
Frasier: Well? Do you like it?
Martin: I have to admit, it's making my hip feel a little better.
Frasier: That's all I needed to hear. My friends like it, my family likes
it - I like it. I can do the commercial and Frederick can go
to Harvard. (a man walks in to the showroom) Oh my god! Isn't
that Dave Hendler from our building? You know, he's the head
of the Seattle psychiatric association. (he takes a big breath
and ducks under the water)
Daphne: That's not Dave Hendler.
Martin: Shh. Don't worry about it. Enjoy the quiet while you can.
End of Act One (Time:x:xx)
780AM On Your Radio Dial
Act Two, Scene A: Frasier's Apartment. Frasier, Daphne and Martin are
listening to a recording of his advert.
Advert: ...soothing bubbles, bubbles that will ease your aching body.
This is Dr Frasier Crane. In these pressure packed times, what
could be better that a warm, relaxing dip in a Renwood Hot-tub.
Let Renwood's patented Ultra-Blow air system surround your body.
My family and friends like it..
Daphne: (to Martin) That's us.
Advert: ..and you'll like it too. And if you act quickly, you'll recieve
a complimentary scum guard. So hurry down to your Redwood Hot-tub
dealer. Say Frasier Crane sent you.
Frasier: (turns off recording) Well? What do you think?
Daphne: I could almost smell the chlorine.
Frasier: Dad? How about you?
Martin: (leaving)I liked it.
Frasier: Really?
Martin: Yeah. I liked it.
Frasier: You really, really like it?
Martin: No, I liked it.
Frasier: Well, what was wrong with it?
Martin: Nothing.
Frasier: You hated it, didn't you?
Martin: Yeah. Goodnight Frasier. (exits)
The doorbell rings, Frasier answers it. It's Bebe.
Bebe: Hello, darling. (enters)
Frasier: Bebe.
Bebe: First off, mia culpa for dropping by unannounced, but you are
going to kiss me when you hear what I've done for you. (notices
Daphne and jumps to the wrong conculusion) Ohh. (to Daphne)
Hello.
Daphne: Hi.
Frasier: Oh, no no no no no. Bebe, this is Daphne Moon, my father's
physical therapist. (Bebe laughs, as if to say 'the very idea')
Well I believe I was about to kiss you for something.
Bebe: Well, today got a very attractive offer for you to be a product
spokesman, and we know they're serious because it's pay or play.
Frasier: Ooh.
Daphne: That's the best kind. you get your money whether you do it or
not.
Bebe: Well, listen to this one.
Frasier: How do you know that?
Daphne: Well, I must confess, there is a chapter of my life I haven't
told you or your father about. Back when I was twelve, I starred
in a television show in England. Well, I'll leave you to your
business. (makes to escape)
Frasier: Daphne, Daphne, just get back here. You what?
Daphne: I starred in a TV series. It was quite popular in it's day,
maybe you've heard of it? 'Mind Your Knickers'? It was about
a group of high spirited, ethnically diverse twelve year olds
in a girls private boarding school. I played Emma, the short
spunky one. Of course, by the end of the series, I was sixteen,
five foot ten, and they had me boosies bound up tighter than
a mummy. Well I'm off. (leaves)
Frasier: The woman is like an artichoke. You just peel away one astounding
leaf after another. Well anyway, back to business. What have
you got for me?
Bebe: (producing tin of nuts) Voila. Emery's Nuts.
Frasier: Oh dear. Ohh, I can't endorse these.
Bebe: Why not?
Frasier: Well, for one thing I don't like them, and they're sixty percent
fat, they're laced with salt and they reek havoc with mydivu-
trichulitus.
Bebe: Of course they do, they're nuts.
Frasier: I'm sorry, I'm afraid I can't.
Bebe: Well.. Then I will just tell them they can take their five figure
deal and find someone else.
Frasier: Five figures?
Bebe: Didn't I mention precious, this is for television, the big kahuna.
Frasier: Television?
Bebe: Well I understand if you, have a problem.
Frasier: Well I.. I.. I don't mean to be difficult, I do have my standards,
you know? I only endorse things that I like or.. or I think are
theraputic, like the hot-tub.
Bebe: Let me pinch you, you're not real!
Frasier: Well...
Bebe: But still, I.. I wonder if you're not being the tiniest bit short
sighted. Research has shown that a single television commercial
can turn an obscure radio personality into a national celebrity...
A year from now, someone like you could be broadcasting your
message of hope and healing not just to the Pacific Northwest,
but to the entire nation. But of coure, there's not much I can
(opening tin) do about it if you (slides tin over to Frasier)
don't like the product.
Frasier slowly picks up the tin and forces himself to eat a nut.
The Big Kahuna
Scene B: Television studio. Frasier is sitting in front of the makeup
mirror with Bebe. He has two paper tissues round his neck, to
protect his collar.
Frasier: I've never been 100% happy with my nose.
Bebe: You can't be serious. That's a nose people trust. (a member
of the crew comes over and hands her a piece of paper) Finally,
a script. Thanks, Jeff. (hands it to Frasier) Seen it
already, you're going to love it.
Frasier: (reading) 'Two nuts are arguing with each other.' That's
cute. '"I'm a nut". "No, I'm a nut"' Ha, that's funny. Ahh..
'"Hold it, you're both nuts. I'm Dr Frasier Crane, noted psychiatrist
and I know a nut when I see one."' Hmm, I just, I don't know
about that line.
Bebe: Ohh, what's wrong, it's a scream.
Frasier: Yes, but it.. It may be a scream, but it, it's.. what's the word
I'm looking for?
Bebe: What? Tuition?! Retirement beach house?! (calms down) I'm so
sorry. I'm so sorry, it's just that I want so much for you.
Frasier: Bebe, I don't want to get a reputation for being difficult, but
I.. I'm just not comfortable with this line.
Bebe: Frasier? Frasier, Frasier. How long have we been together?
Frasier: Six days.
Bebe: Do you think I would ever have you do something that you were
uncomfortable with? What makes this so wonderful is that you're
spoofing yourself, you're showing that psychiatrists can be
loose, you're making shrinks more accessable to the average
person.
Frasier: So what you're saying is that I would be doing psychiatry a
service by doing this commercial?
Bebe: You have a way of cutting through the balony that knocks me out
cold.
Frasier: (reading) Oh dear. What does this mean? 'Frasier comes out of
his shell.'
Bebe notices two stagehands pulling on set a giant monkey nut,
and swivels Frasier's chair round so he can't see it, bullshitting
as she does so.
Bebe: It is a.. technical term, it's a light.. a lighting thing. You..
you see, you come out of your shadow, or your shell, into the
light.
Frasier: (in awe) I have so much to learn about this business.
Knees Together, Lips Apart
Scene C: Cafe Nervosa. Niles is sitting at a table when Frasier rushes in.
He still has the tissues aroung his neck.
Frasier: Oh Niles, Niles, thanks for meeting me, I have to talk to you
about something.
Niles: Why do you have that ridiculous tissue around your neck?
Frasier: Well, they didn't tell me I could take it off, so I kept it on.
Niles: Oh, silly me. Here I thought it was just a means to attract
attention, to have people come up to you and say Are you an
actor?, thus affording you the opportunity to say Yes, you are
indeed an actor, and then proceed to crow, gloat and strut in
a way you could not otherwise do.
Frasier: And the reason you have 'SHRINK' on your license plate would
be? Niles listen. I've got to do this commercial in half an
hour and... I just don't think I can go through with it, I'm
afraid that I'm compromising my integrity as a psychiatrist.
Niles: Why do you feel like that?
Frasier: Well, for one thing my co-stars are dressed up as an almond and
a walnut. Now listen Niles, I've.. I need your guidance.
Niles: Frasier, I don't see this as a problem.
Frasier: You don't think this is the selling out of Frasier Crane?
Niles: Oh, certainly not. You sold out a long time ago. You know, the
moment you agreed to do that call-in show, you sold out.
Frasier: Oh, Niles. You are such a purist. Granted, I can't do the kind
of in-depth analysis one can with a single patient, but my
show helps literally thousands of people a day.
Niles: Let's face it Frasier, you talk about wanting to safeguard your
professional dignity, but the first time you went on the air,
you got out of medicine and into showbiz. You're no different
from that movie star who let everybody look up her skirt in
that film, and then did nothing but complain that nobody took
her seriously as an actress.
Frasier: Well, that has nothing to do with this!
Niles: Have you seen that movie? Maris and I rented the video, I don't
mind telling you, we pushed our beds together that night! (pause)
And that was no mean feat, her room, as you know, is across
the hall.
Frasier: Niles, will you just tell me, would do it?
Niles: A nude scene? I suppose if it were intregal to the plot...
Frasier: Not a nude scene! Would you do this commercial?
Niles: Oh, certainly not, I'm a respected psychiatrist. (looks at watch,
then stands)
Frasier: So what you're saying is that I shouldn't do it.
Niles: No, no no no. I'm saying it doesn't matter. Let's face it. Frasier,
they've already looked up your skirt and they've seen everything
there is to see.
Niles exits. Frasier sits with his knees tightly together.
Frasier Crane To Block
Scene D: Frasier's Apartment. It's nightime, and Frasier is sitting on
the couch, watching a video of the commercial. Martin enters.
Martin: What are you still doing up? (sees Frasier rewinding the video)
Ohh Jeez, you're not watching the tape of that dumb commercial
again!
Frasier: I can't get it off my mind. Did I do the right thing?
Martin: Of course you did. Freddie's gonna thank you for it.
Frasier: Here, watch it with me one more time.
He starts the video. The commercial consists of two nuts arguing
until the monkey nut opens up revealing... Dr Joyce Brothers.
Advert: Stop! You're both nuts! I'm noted psychologist Dr Joyce Brothers
and I'm here to tell you that I'm just crazy about Emery's Nuts.
So if you're crazy about nuts too, pick up a can of Emery's
today. Emery's. The nut lovers nut.
Frasier: (switcing off video) I suppose you're right, dad. Freddie
will thank me. Dr Joyce is his favourite psychologist.
Martin: Y'know, Dr Joyce is pretty good, I remember her from 'Hollywood
Squares'. She was always under Charlie Weaver. (they head for
bed)
Frasier: No, no. Charlie Weaver was always on the bottom.
Martin: No, I don't think so. Let's see, Paul Lynn was in the middle,
George Goldblum was under him, and.. where was Wally Cox?
Frasier: Wally Cox. Uhh, upper left, next to Rosemarie Dubarr.
Martin: Oh, right.
End of Act Two (Time: xx:xx)
Credits:
The jaccuzzi showroom. Daphne and Martin are peacefully relaxing
in the water. This tranquil scene is interrupted after 20 seconds
when Frasier comes to the surface, gasping for air.
Guest Caller - Carl Reiner
