The Crucible Written by Sy Dukane
& Denise Moss
Directed by James Burrows
=====================================================================
Production Code: 1.6.
Original Airdate on NBC: 21st October 1993.
Transcript written on 2nd April 1999.
Quotes & Scene Summary {michelle cushley}
Act One. Scene A. Frasier's booth at KACL. Frasier is on air.
Frasier: You're listening to KACL 780 on your AM dial. This is Dr.
Frasier Crane. All our lines are open so, please, give us a
call. I'm just sitting her waiting. Hey, Seattle, c'mon, I
know you are out there. Hey, look, I realise it's a sunny
day but on all those rainy days, I was there for you. Well,
alright, then, that's the way you want it - you leave me no
recourse - [begins singing] "when the moon hits your eyes
like a big pizz-". [calls start coming in] That seems to
have got you going there. Okay, alright then, I knew you
were out there. Okay, Roz, who do we have?
Roz: We have Gary from Issica on line two. He and his wife had a
big fight.
Frasier: Sorry to hear that, Gary. I'm listening.
Gary: Well, y'see, Dr. Crane, my wife is hell-bent on going to
Italy this year.
Frasier: Oh, Italia. The rolling hills of Tuscana, the art of
Fiorenzi, the passion that it Venicia.
Gary: Yeah, well, anyway. I like taking vacations as much as the
next guy but I say that, if we dip into or savings, I think
the first thing we should buy is a new sump-pump for the
basement. At least, with that -
Frasier: [interrupting] Oh, listen, Gary. Let me stop you right
there. I'm afraid I'm going to have to side with your wife
on this one.
Gary: But the trip to Italy costs eighteen hundred bucks and that
doesn't include the "Splendours of the Vatican" pack.
Frasier: Gary, there is more to life than sump-pumps - whatever
happened to feeding our souls? Look, for example, I recently
purchased a painting by one of this country's primier
artists - oh, it's not important who. Well, it's Seattle's
own Martha Paxton. But, practical no - but, ever since
acquiring that painting, I look at it every day and there's
not a moment when I do that I'm not uplifted by it's beauty.
So Gary, go to Italy, bring back a suitcase full of
memories. Will you do that?
Gary: I still think I should get the sump-pump.
Frasier: [contemptful]Well, then, yes, Gary, you should get the sump-
pump. We'll be right back after this news break.
Frasier is now off-air and moves through to Roz in the control booth.
Frasier: Roz, just what is a 'sump-pump'?
Roz: If you need one, you'll know. Listen, do you really own a
Paxton or were you just blowing sunshine up old Gary's
skirt?
Frasier: Yes, indeed I do own a Paxton.
Roz: Well, you'll be pleased to know that she's on line three.
Frasier: My God, Roz, she's the preimmenent new fauxist of the
twentieth century - how could you put her on hold?
Roz: Well, the phone rang and I pushed a little button -
Frasier: [on phone]Yes, hello, Miss Paxton. I'm so sorry to have
kept you waiting. Well, thank you. I'm very flattered that
you listen to my little show. Yes, well, yes, I meant every
word - yes, that's lovely, I'd like to meet you, too,
sometime. As a matter of fact, I'm having a few friends over
for a little gathering this Friday night - for cocktails and
such. Well, I suppose you're far too - oh, you would! Oh,
that's marvellous. Alright, that's the Elliot Bay towers on
the counter balance - around seven is just fine. And, well,
I'll see then then. Ciao!
Roz: I didn't know you were having a cocktail party.
Frasier: That makes two of us!
"WHAT A SWELL PARTY"
Scene B: Frasier's apartment, Friday night. The cocktail party has
started. Daphne is standing in the middle of a small clique, while
the rest of the party mingle around them.
Daphne: Well, my theory on death is: first you're whisked down a long
dark tunnel towards a beautiful, white light; you suddenly
get all the jokes you never got before, you let out a little
chuckle and then you die.
The clique laughs.
Frasier: That's a delightful story, Daphne, but I think the toast
boys need replenishing.
Daphne: [moving away]Be right on it.
Niles: [hops down off the cabinet on which he was seated, listening
to Daphne's story. He speaks to Frasier, about Daphne]
Enchanting, just enchanting.
Frasier: My God, Niles, why is no-one eating the Mussoline of Duck?
[Eddie hops onto the chair and starts eating it] Oh, you
mangey little cur [Frasier chases Eddie away].
Niles: Well, now we know why.
Frasier: Look, Niles, the dog is eating the food, the pianist is too
intrusive, the Pinot Noir is far too stagey and it's five
past seven and Martha isn't even here yet.
Niles: I'm not going to have to sedate you, am I?
Frasier: No, I'm just a bit on edge - I want everything to be so
perfect. [pause] By the way, where's Maris? I haven't seen
her all night.
Niles: She's on your bed.
Frasier: My bed?
Niles: Yes, she's asleep under the guests' coats. She exhausts
easily under the pressure to be interesting.
Frasier: Niles, she's supposed to be looking after dad. That's the
only reason you're here, remember?
Niles: Dad is in the bathroom - don't worry.
Doorbell rings.
Frasier: That must be la Paxton - and fashionably late, of course.
[opens the door. It's Roz] Oh, hi, Roz, it's you. And you
look radiant.
Roz: I look like crap - I've got a spot on my dress, I over-
plucked one eyebrow and the croutch of the panty-hose is
creeping down to my knees [fixes them].
Frasier: Couldn't you have just done that in the elevator? [Roz
removes her coat] Oh, my goodness, Roz has got a neck. Gee,
so, what do you think of the place? Is it everything you
imagined it would be?
Roz: Well, to be frank, Frasier, I don't spend my idle hours
imagining how you live. But I did expect lots of beige and,
look, I was right.
Frasier: Would you like a drink?
Roz: Sure, something light would be nice.
Frasier calls the waiter over.
Roz: [to waiter] Double bourbon, rocks and spill a little in the
glass.
Scene C: Niles moves into the kitchen. Daphne is already there, bent
over, taking a tray out of the oven.
Niles: Oh, Daphne, you're here, too.
Daphne: By goodness, Dr. Crane - shouldn't you be out there mixing?
Niles: Oh, don't mind me. I'm just getting some ice. [puts the ice
to his forehead]
Daphne: Lovely party, isn't it.
Niles: Yes, it is.
Daphne: [chopping herbs]Look at this fresh fennel [picks up a piece
and sniffs it]- smells wonderful, doesn't it?
Niles: [smelling Daphne's hair, instead] It certainly does.
Daphne: [catching Niles] Dr. Crane, were you sniffing my hair?
Niles: Why would I do a thing like that? I'm a happily married man -
I love my Maris.
Guest: [entering kitchen] Where should I put this coat?
Niles: Just throw it on the bed.
Scene D: Frasier's lounge, people are still milling around.
Roz: So, Frasier, which one is your dad?
Frasier: Oh, well, he's the older gentleman over there talking to
Bethany van Pelt, showing her the photographs. [realises]
Oh my God.
Martin: [mid-conversation, re:photos] And when we finally got to her
it was only hanging by two tendons.
Frasier: [to Bethany] Would you excuse us, please? [leads his dad
away] Dad will you stop showing these crime scene photos -
you're embarassing me.
Martin: Oh, these society people eat this up. Besides, she was the
one that brought this up.
Frasier: Oh, she brought it up. Bethany van Pelt - the head of the
junoir league - brought up the subject of a hooker whose
body was hideously disembered and scattered all over an
abandoned warehouse.
Martin: Yeah, she asked, "aren't these Swedish meatballs the
messiest things you've ever seen?" and I said, "no, as a
matter of fact."
Frasier: Dad, dad, please!
Martin: Alright, alright, but stop shadowing me. I don't need a
nursemaid.
Frasier: Alright, if you give me your word, that's good enough for
me. [to Niles] Watch him.
Roz: Hi, Niles. [catches Niles as he follows Daphne through the
lounge]
Niles: Oh, hello.
Roz: You may not remember me, I'm -
Niles: Of course, I remember you. Would you be a love and watch
that man with the cane? [continues following Daphne]
Doorbell rings. Frasier answers - this time, it is Martha Paxton.
She is short, bald and aged around 50. She wears a poncho which
covers her arms completely.
Martha: Dr. Crane? I'm Martha Paxton.
Frasier: Of course, who else could you be? Welcome to my salon.
[loudly] Everyone, everyone, your attention, please, I'd
like you all to welcome our guest of honour, the renouned
artist - Martha Paxton.
The guests applaud.
Frasier: May I take your... poncho?
Martha: No, no, no, no, I never take it off at parties. It gives me
an excuse not to shake hands with people.
Frasier: Oh, how delightfully eccentric - you must meet my brother,
Niles. Oh, Niles?
Niles: [moves over to the door] Miss Paxton, Dr. Niles Crane. It
is an honour to shake your hand [outstreches his hand then
seeing no reaction on her part, shakes her poncho instead].
Well, to shake anything of yours is an honour [skulks away,
embarrassed].
Martha: Now, where did you hang my painting? I'm always curious to
know how people live with my work.
Frasier: "Live with my work" - I love that phrase. If you would,
right this way please. [leads her towards the centre of the
room] I think this is the perfect spot for an ideal viewing.
Oh, God, I've waited so long for this moment - I'm just
going to stand back and let you describe your work - "Energy
in Green" - in your own words. The way you insinuate the
pallette but never lean on it, you capture the zeitgeist of
our generation. It is the most perfect canvas it has ever
my priviledge to gaze upon. I mean, one can only imagine
what inspired you to paint it.
Martha: I didn't paint it.
Frasier: Of course, you didn't - you created it, you gave birth to
it.
Martha: [walks to the painting] I didn't do anything to it - I've
never seen this painting before in my whole life.
Martin: [leans into Frasier's ear] And you thought I was gonna
embarass ya!
End Of Act One. (Time: : )
Act Two, Scene A. Frasier's apartment, post-party. Martin and
Frasier are in the lounge. Daphne is cleaning up.
Martin: I really liked your friend Roz.
Frasier: What?
Martin: Roz, at the party tonight. Nice gal. Why don't you ask her
out - she's great looking and she can really hold her
liquor.
Frasier: Dad, do you mind. I've just suffered the most humiliated
evening of my life - I've been been made a fool of by this,
this, this... thing [gestures towards the painting].
Daphne: Y'know, I may be just a girl from Manchester but, I have to
tell you, even although it's not a Paxton, I really like
that picture. I liked it the minute I saw it - I liked it
even before I knew who Martha Paxton was and, quite frankly,
I don't think that woman bathes.
Frasier: Well, enjoy it while you can because, first thing in the
morning, this is going back to the dealer where I bought it.
I'm demanding my money back - no-one is going to take
advantage of Frasier Crane.
Martin: You know, listen, Frasier. You're kind of upset about this,
maybe I should return it for you.
Frasier: Well, dad, I appreciate the gesture but, really, what do you
know about the art world?
Martin: Apparently about as much as you do.
"#$&%*!!!"
Scene B: The art dealer's. Frasier is staring at a painting, he is
approached by Phillip.
Phillip: [re: Frasier staring at painting] I can see the love in your
eyes. You must have this painting.
Frasier: Are you the owner?
Phillip: Yes, I am. Phillip Hayson [they shake hands].
Frasier: How do you do, I'm Dr. Frasier Crane. I happen -
Phillip: No, not the Dr. Frasier Crane. From the radio?
Frasier: Guilty. Yes, but -
Phillip: My wife and I love your show. Could I have your autograph
before you go?
Frasier: It would be my pleasure but, speaking of autographs, I have
a small problem with this painting [holds up painting].
Phillip: I'm really distressed to hear that. Would you like a
glass of wine?
Frasier: Well, actually I -
Phillip: My wife and I toured the Loire valley last year and we
couldn't resist buying four cases of this. [opens the
bottle and pours Frasier a glass] It's really quite
extrondinary - I hope you like it.
Frasier: Well, I'd really rather not have any wine at this moment -
Phillip lets Frasier taste the wine.
Frasier: Well, that's rather nice, isn't it? Finishes well.
Phillip: Very well. Would you like some more?
Frasier: No, no, no, thank you. I'd... getting back to my problem -
I recently gave a small but elegant soiree at which Martha
Paxton was in attendence, you see. She told me that this
painting was not her work.
Phillip: Oh dear, I can imagine how embarassing that must have been.
Frasier: I doubt you can, Mr. Hayson.
Phillip: Please, Phillip. Let's take a look at that in slightly
better light, shall we? [walks the painting over to a stand
and places it on the easel] Oh, yes, I remember this - it's
breathtaking. [Raising his voice] Ronald, Diane, will you
step in here a moment please. [They come through to join the
Phillip, they gather around the painting] Do you remember
when this piece was in the gallery - everyone who saw it
wanted it.
Diane: Yes, it's a very special piece.
Ronald: Mrs. Chitcherelli was heart broken when it sold.
Phillip: Oh, I remember -
Frasier: Yes, I'm sure she was but, y'see, it's not a Paxton.
Phillip: But it says right here that it is a Paxton. The signature is
here. [The three bend to point at the signature]
Frasier: Martha Paxton says that it is not a Paxton.
Phillip: Oh, Martha, how is the old dear. Her and I go back a long
way, is she still [makes a gesture to his hair - a reference
to Paxton's baldness].
Frasier: As a Crenshaw melon, yes.
Phillip: Would you like a little more wine?
Frasier: No, I don't want any wine. I want to discuss this painting.
Phillip: So would I. Maybe some brie. [Ronald and Diane disappear]
Frasier: No, I don't want any brie. I want my money back.
Phillip: Oh, well, that's where things might get a bit... prickly.
Y'see, we have a strict policy here at the Hayson gallery -
all sales are final.
Frasier: But, in this case, you're willing to make an exception.
Phillip: Oh, I'd love to, but I can't.
Frasier: Yes, but it's a fogery.
Phillip: Well, if it is, it's a damn good one.
Frasier: Alright, alright, I'm going to make this simple - I want my
money.
Phillip: I'm sure you do.
Frasier: Oh, I know what you're doing - you're 'handling' me. You're
agreeing with everything I say hoping I'll tire and go away.
Phillip: Whatever you say.
Frasier: I don't believe it! You're shining me on. You are shining
me on - where is the fairness of this, where is the justice?
Phillip: Dr. Crane, if you ever find justice in this world, let me
know, will you. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have work to do.
[leaves]
Frasier: What? [Shouts after him] Have a crate of freshly painted
Rembrandts just arrive? You're not getting away with this.
I am not leaving. I am NOT leaving.
"AFTER HE LEFT..."
Scene C: Frasier's apartment. Frasier arrives, with the painting, to
find Martin already in the lounge.
Martin: What are you still doing with that? I thought you were going
to return it.
Frasier: They wouldn't take it back. All I got was some attitude and
a cheap glass of wine - Loire valley my ass.
Martin: What are you going to do now?
Frasier: Well, they've forced my hand. I'm going to call the police.
[picks up the phone]
Martin: Five five five three thousand.
Frasier: Thanks, dad. Try to mess with Dr. Frasier Crane, I'll teach
them. [into phone] Hello, yes. Oh, just a second. [to
Martin] Dad, who do I ask for?
Martin: Have them put you through to the fine arts forgery
department.
Frasier: [into phone] Hello, yes, the fine arts forgery department,
please. [to Martin] Dad, they're lauging at me.
Martin gestures to Frasier to give him the phone.
Martin: [into phone] Hi, who's this? Hey, Doris. Yeah, Marty Crane.
Yeah, that was my son. I just thought he needed a bite of a
reality sandwich. Yeah, yeah, give my best to the guys.
Thanks. 'Bye.
Frasier: What was that?
Martin: Frasier, the boys downtown have their hands full of murders
and robberies - they don't have time for this artsy-fartsy
stuff.
Frasier: Yes, dad, but what am I supposed to do. I've been cheated.
Niles and Daphne emerge from Frasier's bedroom, both are dishevelled
and appear straightening their clothes.
Frasier: What were you two doing back there?
Niles: Maris lost her earring at the party, last night. Daphne was
good enough to crawl under the bed to look for it while I -
Frasier: [long and low] Yes?
Niles: Searched the credenza.
Daphne: Maybe I'll go check in the hallway. Maybe it have got
trampled into the carpet when everybody stampeeded for the
elevator.
Frasier: No-one stampeeded. They were all just good guests - they
knew when to leave.
Niles: Two hours early. [laughs]
Frasier: Oh, shut up, Niles.
Niles: Oh, I see, am I to ascribe this foul mood to the fact that
you were unable to unload the bogus Paxton.
Frasier: Yes. I know, Niles, what is the name of that really vicious
lawyer that you use?
Niles: Which one - the one I used to sue the contractor or the one
I used to sue the personal trainer?
Frasier: Well, the meanest.
Niles: That would be the second one - I used him to sue the first
one.
Frasier: Ah, just give me his number, will you?
Martin: Forget it, Frasier, five years of litigation and you'll end
up paying eight times what you paid for the painting.
[carries a plate to the kitchen]
Niles: He's right about that.
Frasier: God, I hate laywers.
Niles: Me, too. [sits down on the brown, suede couch] But they
make wonderful patients - they have excellent health
insurance and they never get better.
Frasier: Say, I know, I know. I can use my radio show - why didn't I
think of this earlier? I can use my bully pulpit to expose
that man for the fraud that he is.
Niles: Now, Frasier. That's slander - he'll sue you for everything
you've got.
Frasier: Damn it, Niles. Where is the justice? Where am I supposed
to turn to? I'm a beloved household personality and I've
been screwed! [gestures at the painting while Niles moves
into the kitchen]
Martin: [as he returns from the kitchen] For Gods sake, Frasier,
you're forty-one years old - it's time you learned
something. The system ain't perfect - sometimes the bad guy
wins. And all those things you thought would be around to
help you: the courts and the police department - well,
sometimes, they're just not there when you need them so you
let it eat a hole in your stomach or you can just file it
away under the heading "sometimes life sucks." [exits to his
room]
Frasier: [shouts after him] Yeah, well, that file's getting pretty
thick.
Niles enters from the kitchen, carrying two glasses. He hands one to
Frasier.
Frasier: So that's that, huh? Hayson just gets away with it. He's
sitting there with his brie and his wine and his little
chuckle at my expense. I finally understand why people take
matters into their own hands. It would be so satisfying,
right now, to just slash his tires or throw a brick though
his window or something. Just so he'd learn that you don't
do this to people and get away with it.
Niles: Yes, well, I know you, Frasier, and I know that you'd never
resort to that sort of thing. [looks at his brother, and
becomes unsure] Would you, Frasier?
Silence.
Niles: There's a vain throbbing in your forehead.
Daphne enters from the hallway.
Daphne: Well, I couldn't find it in the hallway but let me give it
one last try. Could you give me the matching earring. Maybe
I could get something from it.
Niles hands Daphne the earring. She holds it in both hands and
concentrates.
Daphne: Oh, yes, I'm getting a feeling. It's in your father's room.
No, no, it's in Dr. Crane's room. This is odd, now it's in
the hallway.
Eddie scampers in from the hallway and crosses the lounge.
Frasier: Eddie!
Niles and Daphne run after Eddie while Frasier exits the apartment.
"PEACHFUZZ"
Scene C. Outside the Hayson galleries. Frasier is standing with a
brick, which he is about to throw until he notices an old couple
walking past. He hides the brick behind his back.
Frasier: [to the old couple] Good evening. Lovely night, isn't it?
Yes, well, goodnight.
Again, Frasier gets ready to through the brick but this time a horn
honks and Niles' car pulls up in front of the gallery.
Niles: [Through car window] Get in the car.
Frasier: Niles, what the hell are you doing here?
Niles: Stopping you from doing something really stupid. Now, get
in the car.
Frasier: I will not. Niles, I know this is wrong but I don't care.
It's the only thing left for me.
Niles: [stepping out of the car] Alright, Frasier. Just give me
the brick and no-one'll get hurt.
Frasier: Just go away. This is no concern of yours.
Niles: Yes, it is.
Frasier: How?
Niles: Remember that day in Junoir High school when somebody took
all my clothes while I was in the shower, right after gym
class. The hung them from the goalpost on the football field
- I had no choice but to get a ladder and climb up there
wearing nothing but a towel, wet and shivering. Then the
towel fell off - there I was, you're little brother, hanging
naked from a goal post, and everyone was standing around
laughing and all Coach Medwick would do was stand there
going [holds his arms up to immitate the gesture], whatever
that means.
Frasier: Niles, why are you telling me this?
Niles: Because, I was so humiliated, I went home, I cried my eyes
out, I swore I would get even. I was just about to put
sugar in Coach Medwick's gas tank and you stopped
me. Remember what you said? "If you act like a barbarian,
you will become a barbarian."
Frasier: I said that?
Niles: Yes, well, actually you were more verbose at the time. I
had to listen - you were sitting on my chest. Give me the
brick, Frasier.
Frasier: And let him get away with this?
Niles: I know, I know. What the gallery owner did to you was
wrong, it was humiliating. But if you throw that brick
through that window, you will have lost something more
valuable than your money - you will have lost your mind.
Frasier, you can't do this.
Frasier: Well, Niles, if you were strong enough to show restraint
after so much humiliation - not to mention the nicknames...
Niles: Nicknames? There were nicknames?
Frasier: Oh, you didn't know that? Oh dear God, yes. "Peachfuzz,"
"Jingle Bells" - I can't remember the rest.
Niles: "Peachfuzz"?
Frasier: Yes, I do believe Coach Medwich made that one up himself.
[hands Niles the brick] Well, anyway, here you are. I won't
be needing this anymore.
Niles: I'm proud of you.
Frasier heads towards the car but Niles does not join him. Instead,
Niles throws the brick through the gallery window. An alarm sounds,
Niles throws his hands up in a gesture reminiscient of the Coach
Medwick signal.
Frasier: [shouts above the alarm] My God, Niles! What have you done?
Niles: [proud] I've struck a blow for justice! Nobody calls me
"Peachfuzz". Now, let's get the hell out of here. [heads
back to car but hesitates, he goes back to the window with
his wallet out]
Frasier: Niles, what are you doing now?
Niles: [throws a handful of notes in through the broken window] We
may be barbarians but we pay for our pillaging. [gets into
the car]
Frasier: Go, go, go, go!
End Of Act Two. (Time: : )
Credits:
Frasier is contemplating the painting after hanging it on the wall.
The camera begins to zoom out and we discover that he's hung it above
the cistern in the smll bathroom.
Legal Stuff
This episode capsule is copyright 1999 by Michelle Cushley & Nick
Hartley. This episode summary remains property of Frasier, Copyright
of Paramount Productions and NBC. Printed without permission.
