Here's Looking At You Written by Brad Hall
Directed by Andy Ackerman
=====================================================================
Production Code: 1.5.
Original Airdate on NBC: 14th October 1993
Transcript written on 19th July 1999
Quotes & Scene Summary {nick hartley}
Act One.
Scene One - Radio Station.
Frasier is well into his show as he takes another caller.
Frasier: Hello Doug, this is Dr. Frasier Crane, I'm listening.
Doug: [v.o:] Look, it's about my mother. She's getting on now and
she doesn't have much of a life. And she doesn't want to do
anything or go anywhere and she literally hangs around the
house all day. I mean it's very frustrating...
Frasier: I'm sorry Doug, can we just go back a second. You said your
mother literally hangs around the house. Well, I suppose
it's a pet peeve of mine but I suppose what you mean is that
she figuratively hangs around the house. To literally hang
around the house you'd have to be a bat or spider monkey.
Now back to your problem?
Doug: [v.o:] Do you mind if we stop while I tell you my pet peeve?
Frasier: Not at all.
Doug: [v.o: angry] I hate it when itellectual pin heads with
superiority complexes nit-pick your grammer when they come
to you for help. That's what I got a problem with! [hangs
up]
Frasier: [happily:] I think what he means is that is a thing with
which he has a problem. Now it's time for a station break
and we'll be right back after a word from our friends at
[reads:] "Pizza, Pizza, Pizza". [puts on commercial]
Roz: [enters:] Hey, do you want to know my pet peeve. It's when
you're in a department store and the clerk is right in the
middle of helping you and the phone rings. So he starts
taking care of them. And you're left standing there going,
"Excuse me, but all I did was come all the way down here in
person, whilst some joker is sitting at home in his
underwear getting first rate service!". Don't you hate that?
Frasier: Actually I do most of my shopping by phone. You take Roz,
this conversation with Doug has got me thinking about my
father. He doesn't do much of anything either. He just sits
around most of the time watching TV and doing the occasional
cross word puzzle. What does your mother do?
Roz: She's the attorney general of Wisconsin.
Frasier: [not believing:] No really!
Roz: [forcing him to believe:] Really!
Frasier: I guess that helps fill her day.
Roz: Yeah, quote mom "Crime never stops - even in the dairy
state!"
Frasier: [laughs] I don't think public office is for dad but maybe I
could find him a hobby or something. Any suggestions?
Roz: Well, in her spare time my mom likes to water ski a little,
she hikes, oil paints. Oh, she likes archaeology. She's on a
dig in Hondurus right now.
Frasier: [making up for it:] Well, maybe I could get him a wood
burning set.
"A ROOM WITH A VIEW"
Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment.
Daphne enters from the bedroom to find Frasier standing near the
balcony playing with a telescope.
Frasier: Is dad still asleep?
Daphne: Yes, he's napping with the dog. Eddie's little legs are
going like mad. I think he's dreaming about chasing rabbits.
[thinks] I can't explain your father's twitching!
Frasier: [focusing telescope:] I think I've just about done with this
thing.
Daphne: I think your dad's going to love it.
Frasier: Me too. I was walking through the hobby shop and saw this
thing and it was like "Eureka!". I actually said "Eureka!"
[looking through scope:] Ah, yes. There are a million
stories in the naked city. [hopeful:] Now if we could just
find a naked one.
Daphne: [mock anger:] Dr. Crane, you naughty boy. Picking in on
other people's privacy.
Frasier: Daphne, really. I mean if people were so concerned about
their precious privacy they wouldn't leave their blinds open
at that certain angle where you can see the mirror over the
mantel that reflects down the hall to the water bed in the
back room!
Daphne: I think I hear your father coming. Stand in front of it,
we'll make this a little surprise.
They stand in front of the telescope so Martin at first won't be able
to see it. Martin enters from his room.
Martin: Hi guys.
Frasier: Dad.
Daphne: How was your nap?
Martin: Great, I had the strangest dream. I dreamt this beautiful
woman with bad breath was licking my face.
At this point Eddie comes out the bedroom and jumps onto the sofa.
Martin realises the source of the dream.
Martin: [to Eddie:] Hey, where did you just come from?
Frasier: Dad, I got a surprise for you.
Daphne and Martin step away revealing the scope.
Martin: Hey, it's a beaut'. What's the occasion?
Frasier: Oh no occasion, just thought you'd like it.
Martin: Wow, that's great thanks. You know, I saw in the news
there's a bunch of falcons nesting in the eaves of the
Columbian tower. Maybe I can watch them from here.
Frasier: Dad, dad forget the falcons. You can see what is going on in
that apartment building over there.
Martin: [objecting:] Hey, I've locked people up for that kind of
behaviour.
Frasier: Oh come on, it's perfectly innocent - just think of it as a
hundred more channels to watch.
Daphne: [looking in scope:] Just look at them, people going about
their lives. There's an old couple watching the tele, and
just next door an attractive young woman is working at a
computer while below her a burly man is using a beach towel
to sop up and large pool of blood.
Martin: What?
Both Martin and Frasier go to look - banging their heads in doing so.
Frasier stands aside and let the cop have a look:
Martin: [looking:] No, that's tomato juice - you can see the can on
the counter. You right about that woman at the computer
though, she's a looker.
Frasier: Ah, you see there's a boy in all of us.
Martin: Well let's see what else the Seattle sky line has to offer.
Daphne: I say we make strict rule though: if anybody starts doing
anything nasty we move on. Agreed? [they don't respond] I
said agreed?
They eventually relent, look at each other and respond with a
reluctant yeah.
Martin: [laughs:] Well, there's a lady over there with a telescope.
She's looking right back at us.
Frasier: [nervous:] What shall we do?
Daphne: [worried:] Hide!
Frasier goes for cover behind the fireplace as Daphne ducks behind
the centre pole.
Frasier: I knew it, I knew it, everytime we do something bad we get
caught!
Martin: [waves and shouts:] Hi, how are you doing?
Frasier: What are you doing?
Martin: She's waving at us, I'm waving back.
Frasier: Don't do that!
Martin: Why not? Hey wait, she's writing something down. She's
holding it up. It says "Hello there, stranger". [laughs] Hey
Daphne, get me that pad and pen.
Frasier: What for?
Martin: I can answer her. Write down "My name is Martin".
Frasier: Dad, dad you shouldn't encourage this person. I don't really
want people looking in on our lives. I don't think I'v even
made my bed today.
Daphne: Is she writing anything else?
Martin: Yeah. [reads:] "My name is Irene". Her name's Irene.
Daphne: Her name's Irene.
Frasier: [sarcastic:] Thank you.
Martin: Wait, she's writing something else. [reads:] Is that Dr.
Crane from the radio hiding in the back?
Frasier: It does not say that! [looks] It does say that. [he waves
back:] Hi.
Scene Three - Frasier's Apartment.
Three mornings later Martin is sitting on a stool looking through the
telescope. There are reems of screwed up paper laying near him.
Daphne is sitting on the step scribling down Martin's dictations.
Martin: Her older son's an accountant in Faulkland.
Daphne: He was the breech birth right.
Martin: No, that's the Dennis in Boyze.
Daphne: Oh right, he's the one with the wife that won't let him
visit. I can't stand her.
Frasier: [enters from room in gown:] Morning dad, Daphne. [waves to
window:] Morning Irene.
Martin: Hey Frasier, when you were a kid what was the name of that
skin condition you had on your but?
Frasier: Piteriasas Rosea.
Daphne: How do you spell that?
Frasier: [curious:] Why?
Martin: Irene and I are exchanging family histories.
Frasier: I really don't think your girlfriend needs to know about
that.
Martin: [objecting:] She's not my girlfriend!
Frasier: Oh come on. You two have been exchanging notes know for the
past three days. If you were in the sixth grade you would be
sitting in a tree "K-I-S-S-I-N-G". Here, Daphne let me
borrow that pen. [he does]
Martin: What are you doing?
Frasier: I'm going to help along your little romance and possibly
save a small forest. I'm giving her our telephone number.
Martin: [in terror:] No, no, no, no, no, don't do that!
Frasier: Why?
Martin: Well, she'll think I'm being too forward.
Frasier: For God's sake dad, you met peeping into her apartment.
Martin: [sure:] She's not going to call.
Frasier: You wanna bet?
Martin: Yeah, five bucks.
Frasier: [holds card up:] Okay.
There is less than a second of silence before the phone begins to
ring and Frasier smirks at his fathers smugly.
Frasier: Well, are you going to answer?
Martin: You get it.
Frasier: Dad, it's for you!
Martin however will not answer so Frasier does the honour.
Frasier: [into phone:] Hello. No, no, this is Frasier hi. I'm fine.
Well, it get's a little flaky when the weather's dry. [rubs
but]
Martin: [whispers:] Tell her I'm not home.
Frasier: Dad, she knows you're home - she's looking at you through
the telescope.
Daphne: Come on, you're just a little nervous.
Martin: [into phone at last:] Hello? Hi. Yeah, it's nice hearing
yours. Can you hold on a minute. [puts phone to his chest,
then to Frasier and Daphne:] Would you two get out of here?
Daphne and Frasier relent and let him have his private conversation.
They enter the kitchen where they chat.
Daphne: I'm getting a very good feeling about this.
Frasier: Really? You really think he's interested in her?
Daphne: [laughs:] Yes, I think so.
They chuckle along together as Daphne takes a coffee cake out of the
oven.
Daphne: Do you want to hear something cute, Dr. Crane? I made him
this rich gooey coffee cake this morning because you know
what a sweet tooth he has, and he wouldn't take one bite
because as he put it: "Women don't like a spare tyre on a
man".
Frasier: [laughs] That's so cute. Oh, it's funny you know - the
twists and turns of fate. If I had tried to set dad up with
a woman he would have rejected the idea out of hand - but I
go out get him this telescope for a hobby and it kindles
this romance. It's "Kismet"!
As Daphne begins cutting the cake, Martin enters the kitchen and
begins looking in the fridge without saying a word. Frasier and
Daphne just stare at him until:
Frasier: Well?
Martin: What?
Daphne: What happened?
Martin: [cool:] We talked on the phone.
Daphne: [knowingly:] And? Was she nice, was she interesting? What
did she say?
Martin: She said a lot of stuff.
Frasier: [certain:] So it would be safe to assume that you two will
be seeing each other?
Martin: Ah, she wanted to but I said no.
Frasier: [confused:] No? Why?
Martin: She's not my type. [notices cake, then enthusiastically:]
Oh, coffee cake! We got any butter round here?
"Forcas Fracas"
Scene Four - Café Nervosa.
That afternoon Frasier and Niles are having on of their snobby chats
in their sanctuary.
Niles: You know Bruster Kale? The pompous twit who is the president
of our wine club. [he nods:] Well, at our metting the other
night I convinced some of my fellow psychiatrists to play a
little prank on him. When he thought he was tasting the
"Chateau Petrus" he was in fact sipping a "Forcas Du Prai".
You see, we switched the lables. [laughs at the farce]
Frasier: [sarcastic:] What scamps you are!
Niles: There he was proclaiming the Petrus to be the superior wine
and of course none of us could contain our laughter.
Frasier: His face must have turned redder than a "Piechoné Logeavie".
Niles: Well, of course as so often happens rough house turns to
tears. At the end of the evening, Bruster tended his
resignation.
Frasier: That must have put a damper on the evening.
Niles: Well not really. I'm the new president.
Frasier: Kudos indeed.
Niles: Oh, oh, oh, is our dad and his lady friend still playing
telescope footsy? What was her name?
Frasier: Irene. No, they've broken it off.
Niles: Already, I thought it was going so well.
Frasier: Well it was, but then they spoke once and dad said that she
wasn't his type. [objecting:] So, it's over - done! He's
completely cut her out of his life, I just don't understand
what would make him do that.
Niles: Oh, who knows why anybody does anything?
Frasier: Remind me again what you do for a living? You see the thing
is it was just one phone call, how can anyone make a sound
judgement about another person on the basis of one phone
call.
Niles: Remind me again what it is you do for a living?
Frasier: Well, anyway I suppose it could be any number of reasons.
Fear of rejection, shyness.
Niles: Or maybe dad was telling the truth and she just wasn't her
type. If only we knew someone who was... [obvious selling
her:] I know, Maris' lovely aunt Patrice is in town visiting
from Washington DC. Oh, oh, oh, maybe we should set dad up
with her.
Frasier: [objecting:] No, Niles, I've met Aunt Patrice. The woman is
a loon.
Niles: Frasier, do this for me, every time Aunt Patricec comes to
visit Maris makes all these plans before she dives under the
duvet with a two week migrane and I'm left holding the bag -
literally and figuratively.
Frasier: Oh, I don't think so Niles. I know dad, don't medel.
Niles: Alright, the least you could do is say hello to aunt
Patrice.
Frasier: I'm not driving out to your house.
Niles: You don't have to. She's sitting out in the car.
Frasier: You left her in the car?!
Niles: I cracked open a window.
Frasier: Well then she's fine.
End Of Act One. (Time: 11:48)
Act Two.
Scene One - Frasier's Apartment.
Frasier is on the phone to his son that evening as Martin sits
reading the paper.
Frasier: [into phone:] Now calm down son, listen to daddy. It's just
a bad dream. I promise you. Senator Therman is not in your
closet. That's a good boy. Yes, okay you go back to bed now.
I love you too. Listen, I'll see you next weekend. Okay, bye
bye.
Martin: How's Freddie?
Frasier: Oh Frederick is fine. Oh he sends his love. He said to
thank you for the toy gun you gave him. At least what he can
remember of it before Lilith smashed it to bits with a
croquet mallet.
Daphne: [enters and looks through telescope:] Oh it's such a
beautiful night. The city is lit up like a jewel. Oh look,
there's Irene. She's sitting in her window wearing a
stunning green dress. But her face, it's so sad.
Frasier: [looks:] Oh, oh she's holding a note. It says "Martin, was
it something I wrote?"
Martin: Will you cut it out? Irene is not sitting in her window.
Frasier: Oh alright dad, no she isn't, but she might as well be for
god sake's. That's gotta be what she's thinking!
Martin: Haven't you ever met a woman and then decide she's not the
one. [doorbell sounds]
Frasier: Yes, five years after I married her.
Frasier opens the door to Niles and Maris' aunt Patrice.
Niles: Hello, there Frasier.
Frasier: Niles - I was specifically not expecting you.
Niles: Frasier, you remember aunt Patrice.
Frasier: [greets her:] Well of course, aunt Patrice, yes. I don't
recall really when we met but I believe there was a lot of
laughing and dancing.
Patrice: My husband's funeral.
Frasier: Yes... well, of course, the laughter was to hide our tears.
Let me take your wrap. [he does]
Patrice: Thank you.
Niles: We were taking a drive and I thought, "Why, we are just a
couple of short ferry rides from Frasier's", so we decided
to pop over.
Patrice: [pointing at Martin:] Niles, is this the charming gentleman
you were telling me about?
Niles: Oh, Patrice, you bloodhound. You've treed another one! Yes
this is my dad.
Martin: How do you do Patrice, I'm Martin Crane. This is Daphne
Moon.
Daphne: Nice to meet you. [points to seat:] Please.
Patrice: Thank you. [sits]
Martin: So, what brings you to Seattle?
Patrice: Well, I came to see Maris, but the poor thing's taken to her
bed again. To this day I have no idea how tall she is.
Niles: Yes, so I've had Patrice all to myself and we've had a great
time, haven't we?
Patrice: Well, if you call sitting in your waiting room for four
hours reading old magazines a great time, well then yes - we
had a laugh riot.
Niles: Oh, now I know where Maris gets her sense of humour!
Patrice: [laughs] Oh.
Daphne: Why don't I pop into the kitchen and gets us all some
refreshments?
Niles: A capital idea and why don't Frasier and I join you. That'll
give these kids some time to get to know one another.
Niles, Frasier and Daphne enters the kitchen. Daphne knocks up some
refreshments as Frasier gives Niles a stern lecture.
Frasier: Niles, I distinctly told you not to bring her here.
Niles: I ran out of ways to entertain her. We went to the
arberitum, a fashion show, a matiné of "Le Cage Aux Folles"
and we even spat off the top of the space needle. I'm sorry,
I cracked.
Frasier: Niles, that woman is certainally not dad's type.
Niles: You never know when love can bloom between two people who
seem so different on the surface. [hoping:] Do you Daphne?
Daphne: To tell you the truth, I never thought opposites attract.
Niles: Neither do I, we are alike in so many ways.
Frasier: Oh come on Niles. We can't leave dad out there alone with
her any longer.
Niles: I'm sure they're doing just fine.
Patrice: [offstage:] Dgo ygou spgch giggy spgch?
Niles: Oh Lord, I was afraid of this.
Martin is having trouble with her in the room as Niles and Frasier
dash in.
Martin: What?
Patrice: [slower:] Dgo ygou spgch giggy spgch?
Martin: [worried:] Niles, I think she's having a stroke or
something.
Niles: No, no dad. It's just Ge speak.
Martin: Come again.
Niles: It's something Maris and aunt Patrice love to try out at
parties.
Patrice: Yes, you just be a g in every syllable so you would be:
"Mgargtin Crgane". Just say it with me.. come on:
Mgargtin...
Niles: I don't think dad's interested.
Patrice: Oh, Bge ag spgort gNiles.
Frasier: What did she say?
Niles: She said "Be a sport Niles".
Patrice: Bge, agus, gesport, geda!
Frasier: Dad, do you still have your gun loaded?
Martin: In it's my top drawer.
Patrice: Isn't it a hoot? Of course, it's all the rage in Washington.
You know who speaks it all the time. GGeorge
Gstepgedephgedologedopodus.
Daphne: [enters from kitchen:] I found some pizza rolls in the back
of the freezer, but the expiration date was yesterday - are
we game?
Frasier: Er, that won't be necessary Daphne. We don't want to spoil
our appertites for that dinner we're about to leave for in
twenty minutes.
Martin: Yeah that's right that dinner in.... er.... twenty minutes.
Patrice: Oh Niles, I told you we shouldn't have just stopped by.
These people have plans.
Niles: How I envy them.
Patrice: I enjoyed meeting you Martin.
Martin: [shakes her hand] Likewise.
Patrice: Oh, now, now, you can do better than that.
Patrice moves in to hug him however he backs away and also away from
the window. Frasier and Daphne look at each other knowingly. She
finally gets what she wanted.
Patrice: I'll look forward to my next trip to Seattle. Oh and if
you're ever in the Washington area. I'm in the bgook. Bye
bye.
Niles eventually drags his aunt-in-law out of the apartment.
Martin: What the hell was that?
Daphne: I feel sorry for the poor thing.
Martin: I feel sorry for Niles.
Daphne: That's who I'm talking about.
She leaves to the kitchen.
Frasier: You know I saw what you just did.
Martin: What did you do?
Frasier: When Patrice went to hug you, you moved away.
Martin: [laughs] Well, wouldn't you.
Frasier: No, dad, no you moved away from the window. You didn't want
Irene to see you with another woman. You still care about
her.
Martin: Ay, go chase yourself.
Frasier: Dad, you do. There's something stopping you from having a
relationship with this woman. Now, what is it?
Martin: You're not going to let go of this thing are you?
Frasier: No, I'm not!
Martin: Alright. Irene's middle name is Rose.
Frasier: So. Rose is a nice name. Rose was mother's middle name.
[realises] Oh.
Martin: Yeah.
Frasier: Oh dad, you can't feel guilty about that. Gee, mom's been
gone for six years now. Your feelings for Irene are totally
severed from your feelings for Mom. You know if she was
here, if she could tell you, she'd want you to get on with
your life.
Martin: Okay, when I'm ready. Thanks Frasier, you know - I guess I
don't say it often enough but you're a good kid.
Frasier: Well thanks dad. You know, there's something I don't say
often enough...
Martin: [correcting:] There's nothing you don't say often enough.
Frasier: Right, dad.
Frasier realises what he means. Martin enters the kitchen to find
Daphne busying herself in the fridge.
Daphne: I couldn't help but overhear. That was a very nice thing to
say.
Martin: Yeah, he's a good kid.
Daphne: The only strange part is - I could have sworn Irene's middle
name was Marie.
Martin: No, it isn't.
Daphne: Well, I could go and check. I still have all our notes in the
trash.
Martin: Alright, alright.. well I had to tell him something. Look, I
don't know why he just won't believe me when I tell him that
Irene just isn't my type.
Daphne: You sure she isn't?
Martin: You're going to get on your back too?
Daphne: No, but I was just wondering if the reason why things didn't
work out between you and Irene was... well...
Martin: What?
Daphne: Well, maybe if you weren't just a little self concious about
your hip.
Martin: That's ridiculous.
Daphne: Well I'm glad to hear that because you really don't have
anything to be self concious about, you know. With that
silvery mane, twinkling blue eyes and wiskey voice. You're
quite a package.
Martin: [laughs] Yeah, I'm quite a catch.
Daphne: You are. And you know as well as I do that history is full of
sexy limpers. For instance: Franklin Delanor Roosevelt.
[then:] Of course he didn't limp so much as roll. Oh I know,
Tolouse Le Treque. [then:] Although he was rather a little
person. Still he did rather well with the ladies. [then:] Of
course they were all prostitutes. But then again he was
French and there's no explaining their taste.
Martin: What's your point?
Daphne: I guess I don't have one. It's just me running on the way I
do. But there is one last little thing: I did notice that
every time you went to the telescope to see Irene - you hid
your cane.
Martin: [laughs] I just put it off to the side so I wouldn't trip
over the damn thing.
Daphne: [seeing she's got through:] I knew there was a good reason.
It must feel awful silly when that cane trips you up.
Daphne exits as Martin ponders on her words.
"Gu-Gulp"
Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment.
Later that evening Frasier and Daphne are waiting. Frasier is calling
for his father down the hallway.
Frasier: Dad, dad will you hurry up? She's going to be here any
minute.
Martin enters from his room wearing a suit.
Martin: Alright, alright, Daphne. See if I've got this tie on right?
Daphne: Just needs a minor adjustment. [she does it then:] What's all
this hair on it?
Martin: The only way I can get the knot right is if I tie it on Eddie
first.
Eddie enters a jumps onto the sofa.
Martin: Well it's a long time since I've been dating. Have things
changed much in the last forty years?
Frasier: Well the wardrobes a little different but your ultimate goal
is still the same! Dad, I'm glad you changed your mind about
this.
Martin: Yeah, me too. Thanks for out little talk.
Frasier: My pleasure.
Martin looks at Daphne as if to say thankyou. She nods a reply.
Frasier: Now let's see, you got a hanky in there?
Martin: Yep.
Frasier: Terrific, alright. Have you got your keys.
Martin: Yeah.
Frasier: You're not going to be out too late are you?
Martin: Frasier!
Frasier: Dad, I'm just busting your chums here.
The doorbell goes and both Frasier and Martin go "Oh My God". To
understand this scene you've got to realise that Daphne and Frasier
seem to act like the mother and father and Martin seems to be their
kid going on a first date.
Daphne: Will you two relax. A word to the wise though: If she asks
you up to her place after dinner - close the drapes! [laughs]
Martin: [opens door:] Hi Irene, nice to finally meet you.
The view is from Irene's P.O.V. Martin is very blushing at the front
whilst Frasier and Daphne look on the scene with happiness from
behind.
End Of Act Two. (Time: 21:20)
Credits:
Frasier's Apartment.
That night Frasier and Daphne are asleep on the couch. However, Eddie
is sat on a stool upstage looking through the telescope at his owner.
Legal Stuff
This episode capsule is copyright 1999 by Nick Hartley. This episode
summary remains property of Frasier, Copyright of Paramount
Productions and NBC. Printed without permission.
