I Hate Frasier Crane Written by Christopher Lloyd
Directed by David Lee
=====================================================================
Production Code: 1.4.
Original Airdate on NBC: 7th October 1993.
Transcript written on 27th June 1999.
Quotes And Scene Summary {nicholas hartley}
Act One.
"I HATE FRASIER CRANE"
Scene One - Frasier's Apartment.
It's the early evening. Frasier is playing a tune on the piano,
Martin is looking through some old police work, and Daphne is busying
herself in the kitchen. Frasier turns round to find Eddie staring at
him.
Frasier: [about Eddie:] Dad, he's doing it again! Must this dog stare
at me all the time?
Martin: I don't know, Eddie - must ya'? [Eddie carries on staring]
Apparently he must.
Frasier: [to Eddie:] What is so fascinating about me? What is it? Do
you imagine I am a large piece of quibble? Am I some sort of
canine enigma? Think about it, get back to me.
Daphne enters carrying a tray of food.
Daphne: Here we are gents, dinner's up. [to Martin:] Can I give you
a hand clearing up your papers?
Martin: No, you better let me. I need to keep these in a particular
order.
Daphne: What is all this, anyway?
Martin: Oh it's an old case of mine from the police force - "The
Weeping Lotus" murder.
Frasier: Dad, I can't believe you're still totting this old thing up.
He's been trying to solve this case for twenty years.
Martin: Yeah, and I'm not stopping until I do solve it. You adopt
certain instincts when you're a cop. And my instinct tells
me that this case can be cracked. There just must be one
small thing I keep over looking. [tidies papers]
Frasier: There is, who the murderer was. [laughs]
The doorbell sounds and Frasier goes to answer it as Daphne and
Martin chat.
Daphne: It's nice you feel so dedicated.
Martin: It's a hobby. Some guys build a boat in their garage, I try
to figure out why a maniac would kill a hooker and try to
stuff her entire body into a bowling bag. It's relaxing!
At this point Frasier opens the front door to Niles who is carrying a
bottle of wine. He enters and hands the wine to Frasier.
Frasier: Hello Niles.
Niles: Sorry I'm late Frasier. Just as we were leaving, Maris had a
run in with a rude directory assistant's operator and it
shattered her calm.
Frasier: Have you ever considered that maybe Maris is a bit high
strung? Maybe she should see someone?
Niles: She's seen everyone, why do you think she was calling
directory assistance?
Daphne: Evening Dr. Crane.
Niles: Hello Daphne. It's so good to see you again. [she puts the
meal down] What an enchanting scent you're wearing.
Daphne: [smells herself] Must be the ranch dressing. Won't Mrs.
Crane be coming?
Niles: No I'm afraid and please, no more of this Doctor and Missus
Crane formality. To you it's Niles and... [he's stumped] er?
Frasier: Maris.
Niles: Yes, Maris.
Martin: Glad you could join us, Niles.
Niles: Oh I wouldn't have missed it.
Martin: Well, I guess the food's all ready: why don't we just go
ahead and start.
Everyone sits down except Daphne who begins to take her food into the
kitchen.
Daphne: Well, Enjoy.
Martin: Where are you going?
Daphne: I thought I'd have mine in the kitchen.
Martin: Don't be ridiculous.
Niles: Yes, we can't have you eating by yourself in the kitchen.
I'll join you.
Martin: No. We're all eating right here, like a family, end of
discussion.
Daphne: Well, isn't this nice. Feels just like home.
Niles: I'm famished.
Frasier: Me too.
Niles and Frasier begin to eat but Martin stops them.
Martin: You boys still say a prayer before you eat?
They relent and pretend they do. All four close their eyes and hold
their hands together. As Martin begins his prayer, Niles stares at
Daphne as Eddie stares at Frasier. Daphne does not notice with her
eyes shut however Frasier notices Eddie's skin creeping look.
Martin: We thank you Lord for the food we're about to eat. You have
blessed our table with your balm. And thank you Lord for
bringing this family together and we also thank you for the
other gifts you have given to us. And may we always be able
to share with those less fortunate.
Frasier: [to Eddie:] Oh will you stop staring?
Niles: [off guard:] I wasn't staring!
Martin: Amen!
They all settle down. Daphne looks at Niles a little suspiciously as
he begins the meal conversation.
Niles: So Frasier, did you happen to read Derek Mann's column
today? You were mentioned.
Frasier: No, I missed it.
Niles: Just as well, it wasn't flattering.
Frasier: I still would have liked to have seen it anyway.
Niles: Oh why didn't you say so? [takes it out of his pocket]
Daphne: If I may ask, who's Derek Mann?
Martin: He writes that "Mann About Town" column for the Times. The
things that guys comes out with, sometimes he's really funny
- what did he say about you?
Frasier: [reading:] I hate Frasier Crane.
Martin: [laughs then:] Oh sorry.
Frasier: That's it. "I hate Frasier Crane". That's it?
Martin: Oh don't let it bother you.
Frasier: Well actually it doesn't dad. I knew when I chose a career
in the public eye that I'd be open to certain criticism,
it's the price I pay for my celebrity. Thank you Niles for
bringing me the paper and thank you for highlighting it in
yellow! Now, who would like some wine?
Daphne: Oh I'll have some.
Frasier goes to pour some as Niles compliments Daphne.
Niles: Daphne, this salad is exquisite.
Frasier: [sitting down:] Now why would he say that?
Martin: Must be the carrots, he always did like them.
Frasier: Not the salad, Derek Mann. I mean why would he write a thing
like that. I've never done anything to him, the attack is
totally unwarranted. I'm a healer for God's sake.
Martin: Oh for crying out loud!
Frasier: Dad, I have every right to feel upset about this - I will
not enjoy my dinner until this is where it belongs in the
trash.
Frasier goes to bin it as Niles tries to stop him.
Niles: Oh, oh, there was an article in there I wanted to save.
Martin: On what?
Niles: Nothing.
Martin: Come on, I'm interested.
Niles: Oh, let's drop it.
Martin: Why can't you tell me?
Niles: All right, it was all about Margaret Thatcher's secret for
growing prize winning zinnias. Are you happy?
Martin: Not really.
"OH, YEAH..."
Scene Two - Radio Station.
The following afternoon Frasier is taking a call on air in his booth
as Roz listens.
Frasier: All right, Lorraine. Now, calm down and try and listen to
what I'm going to say to you. Will you do that?
Lorraine: [v.o:] Okay.
Frasier: All right, good girl. Now your problem...
Lorraine: [beep] Oh my gosh, another call waiting - someone else is
trying to get through. Do you mind if I take it?
Frasier: No, no. Go right ahead. [she does] Well, certainly a very
interesting situation she's got herself into. Don't you
think so Roz?
Roz is busy eating and reading magazines. She has to quickly chew her
food, put down her books just for the simple:
Roz: Yes.
Lorraine: Okay, I'm back.
Frasier: All right, Lorraine. Now listen very carefully to what I'm
going to tell you. Your problem seems...
Lorraine: [beep] Oh I'm sorry, I'll be right back.
Frasier: For someone who's got so many problems she certainly is
popular. [laughs]
Lorraine: Okay, go ahead Dr. Crane. I'm here. [beep] Oh, I don't
believe it - another call.
Frasier: Hold it there Lorraine. The reason why you want to take
that other call is the same reason that you want to change
your career and break up with your boyfriend. You're
obsessed with what you think you're missing. The better
offer, the call on the other line. Well, you've got to take
one call at a time from now on. Fully explore and
experience each one in it's turn and you'll be a stronger
person for it. Do you follow me Lorraine?
Lorraine: Okay, I'm back!
Frasier: Thank you for your call. [hangs up] Well, we've only got
two minutes left so I would like to end today's program on
a personal note. As some of you may know, yesterday I was
mentioned in Derek Mann's "Mann About Town" column. He
said, and I quote, "I Hate Frasier Crane". "I Hate Frasier
Crane". [sarcastic:] What trenchant criticism. Move aside
Voltaire, step back in the shadows H.L.Machin, there's a
new kid in town. One can only wonder how many hours Derek
Mann sat in the glow of his computer screen before his
trembeling fingers sprang to life and pecked out this chef
t'ouerve: "I Hate Frasier Crane". A lesser critic would
have wasted our time by presenting a well thought out,
point by point, constructive critique of this show. No, not
out Mr. Mann. So dear listeners, when Mr. Mann's column
arrives on your front doorstep. Read it, enjoy it, but
above all treasure it for one day this man will be joining
the Pantheon of the immortals. And if we're lucky; it'll be
one day soon. I'm Dr. Frasier Crane. [signs off]
Frasier presses the off air button, and twirls his microphone around
before blowing on it as if it were his weapon.
"YEAH!"
Scene Three - Café Nervosa.
The following afternoon Frasier is drinking a coffee in the café with
Roz when Niles enters and sits with him.
Niles: Frasier, how funny running into you here.
Frasier: I'm always here.
Niles: Yes well, you weren't here twenty minutes ago: have you seen
today's "Times"?
Frasier: [knowing what's coming:] No.
Niles: Lucky for you I saved you this copy. Take a look at Derek
Mann's column.
Frasier: You know this is the second time in as many days that you
have given me a paper. Have you ever considered getting
yourself a route?
Niles: [to Roz:] Hello, I don't believe we've met.
Roz: Yes we have Niles, three or four times - Roz Doyle.
Niles: Oh, of course it was at the.... it was during the... I'm far
too successful to feel arkward, where did we meet?
Roz: The radio station.
Niles: Ah, I'll take your word for it: Nice to see you again. [then
to Frasier:] Mr. Mann heard your program yesterday.
Frasier: So I see. [reading:] Yesterday afternoon, Dr. Frasier Crane
got on my case for not giving him a point by point criticism
of his radio show. Well he asked for it so here goes.
Roz: [noticing:] Oh my god, his entire column is about your show.
Niles: Not very flattering either. Towards the end he even attacks
your "dim witted sidekick call screener".
Roz: [appaled:] That's me!
Niles: Oh, now I remember you.
Frasier: [reading:] It's hard to say what I hate most about Crane's
show. His pompous sanctimonious style, his constant self
congratulary references to his own life or his voice: a mock
sympathetic tone; so sickly sweet one wonders if the man
graduated from medical school or from some mind controlling
cult.
Niles: It's continued on twelve.
Frasier: I've read enough!
Waiter: [asking:] Can I get you something?
Frasier: [to Niles:] How can the man think something like that?
Waiter: It's my job, I'm a waiter.
Frasier: We don't want anything, thank you.
Roz: Frasier, I know this stinks, but in a couple of days it'll
blow over.
Frasier: Oh perhaps you're right. As angry as it makes me: to
retaliate would be to stoop to his level. So the best
response is no response at all.
Scene Four - Radio Station.
Soon after these comments he is already shouting into his microphone
about the recent newspaper report.
Frasier: [angry:] Pompous and sanctimonius am I? Well this Mann
character can't even write gramatically sentances. Every
five words there's one of his precious "dot, dot, dots".
Must be because he likes writing all those dots with the
crayon he writes this drivel in.
Roz: Dr. Crane, on line two we have Stewart who's having a
problem with delayed gratification.
Frasier: Well, he's just going to have to wait! I don't know who this
Derek Mann thinks he is but if he thinks he can hide behind
his newspaper like some snivelling school child cowering
behind a tree than I say let's expose this Derek Mann for
what he is! Not a man at all, but half a man. [to Roz:] Now
what line did you say Stewart was on?
Roz: He hung up.
Frasier: Well, I'm leaving all sorts of bodies in my wake today.
Let's see who's on line five. [he presses button:] Hello,
this is Dr. Frasier Crane - I'm listening.
Derek: [v.o:] Good, because I was listening too.
Frasier: And you are?
Derek: Derek Mann.
Frasier: [regretting:] I see.
Derek: Look, nobody calls me half a man. Especially some Ivy League
twit. So what do you say we settle this, like men?
Frasier: Are you implying that you want to fight me?
Derek: I'm not implying, I'm saying.
Frasier: Fight as in a fist fight?
Derek: [sarcastic:] No, I thought we might throw pies at each
other! So are you up to it, or aren't you man enough?
Frasier: [thinks] We'll be right back after these messages.
Frasier signs off for commercials as we fade out.
End Of Act One. (Time: 11:05)
Act Two.
Scene One - Radio Station.
The scene resumes where we left off. The commercials have finished
and Frasier gets back to his radio show.
Frasier: And we're back. Well, we have a surprise caller on the line:
Derek Mann.
Derek: [v.o:] So, what's it going to be Crane, are you going to
fight me or not?
Frasier: Oh, you can't be serious?
Derek: Just like I figured, you're chicken.
Frasier: No, I just don't think that civilised people behave that
way. You know, Roz, perhaps our listeners have an opinion
about that subject? Who do we have on the line?
Roz: Well lines 1 through 8 are people who think you're chicken.
Derek: You're chicken Crane. Admit it!
Frasier: I am not Chicken!
Derek: [squarks like a chicken]
Frasier: We are mature thinking people, not cavemen!
Derek: [squarks some more]
Frasier: Alright, if you want a fight so bad: I'll give you a fight!
You just say the time and place!
Derek: Kinsley square, right outside your office - by the old
statue - noon tomorrow. Don't back out!
Frasier: I won't! Don't you back out either because I know where your
office is too, and I know where you live, and I'll track you
down! Now who else out there wants a piece of me?
"ET TU, EDDIE?"
Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment.
That evening Martin is searching through his old case as Daphne
passes him.
Daphne: Having a look at that old murder case again?
Martin: Yeah, I've dug out the old crime scene photos.
Daphne: Well, don't be a greedy guts - let me have a look.
Daphne has a look at the photo of the girl. After a while her psychic
powers kick in.
Daphne: Her name was Helen.
Martin: Yeah, it was. [knowing her trick:] Ah, you must have seen it
on some of my papers I've had lying around here.
Daphne: No, I just got this feeling when I touched the picture.
Martin: You're putting me on.
Daphne: She had a lot of men in her life.
Martin: No kidding: She was a hooker!
Daphne: No, I mean she had four brothers.
Martin: [surprised:] That's amazing. She did have four brothers. What
else are you getting? Well come on, tell me more.
Daphne: I can't just turn it on and off like a faucet.
Martin: Give it a try, will ya' - please. What else are you getting?
Daphne: Nothing. [suddenly:] No, wait. I see a man.
Martin: Yeah?
Daphne: A well dressed man. He's wearing wing tips and a trenchcoat.
Martin: Yeah? Yeah?
Daphne: He's getting off an elevator. He's walking down a long
hallway. She doesn't know he's coming. He's opening the
door.
At this moment, a well dressed man enters the apartment wearing wing
tips and a trenchcoat - it's Frasier.
Frasier: Hello everyone.
Daphne: Sometimes I get me signals crossed.
Frasier: What's going on?
Martin: Well - unless you killed a hooker when you were twelve -
nothing much!
Daphne: We heard your show today. I just loved the way you handled
that Derek Mann.
Martin: You made your old man proud. Yet the best part was when he
challenged you to a fight and you stood right up to him.
Frasier: [worried:] Yes, I did didn't I.
Martin: I can't wait to see that.
Frasier: Oh, I'm not actually going to go through with it dad.
Martin: What are you talking about?
Frasier: Well, I already won our little war of words. What would I
stand to benefit by going through with actually going
through with a fist fight?
Martin: Frasier, maybe I'm misunderstanding here... he challenged
you and you're backing down?
Frasier: Well mature people are supposed to use their intellect to
settle their differences.
Martin: A man doesn't just turn his tail and run - that's not the
way you brought me up.
Frasier: Are you encouraging me to fight?
Martin: You bet I am - you gave the guy your word.
Frasier: Yes but I didn't even know what I was saying - I hadn't even
had lunch yet.
Martin: I might have known this'd have happened - it's Billy Creasel
all over again.
Frasier: What did you say?
Martin: Something about a Billy Creasel, I believe.
Frasier: I can't believe you're dragging that up - that was thirty
years ago.
Daphne: Who's this Billy Creasel?
Frasier: Oh he was this kid in fifth grade that used to torment me!
Martin: So one day Frasier made fun of Billy's crew cut.
Frasier: Well he started it by making fun of the elbow patches on my
blazer!
Martin: Well the point is, they were supposed to meet for a fight
after school only "Patches" here didn't show up!
Frasier: I had a clarinet lesson!
Martin: You don't need to remind me of that! Billy's old man was a
cop too: Boy the guys rode me about that excuse of yours for
years. Everytime I couldn't make it out for a drink they
used to say, [immitating:] "What's a matter? You got a
clarinet lesson?"
Daphne: [wondering:] Couldn't you and Billy have met after the
clarinet lesson?
Frasier: Daphne, would you please excuse us for a moment!
Daphne: [gets up:] I have a feeling I'm going to be excused quite a
lot in this house. [exits to kitchen]
Frasier: [sarcastic:] Dad, I am sorry if I embarrased you for not
fighting Billy Creasel thirty years ago. But the situation
is not the same now.
Martin: It's exactly the same.
Frasier: I am an adult now, I've been to medical school, I hold a
certain position in this city - I don't not settle my
differences with brawling.
Martin: The man challenged you and you accepted.
Frasier: Dad, I can't believe this, you won't be happy until I come
home with a black eye.
Martin: I just want you to do what you said you were going to do.
You know, you can talk about your medical school, your
intellect, your place in this city but you know what - it's
all one big clarinet lesson. I can't even look at you.
Martin exits to the kitchen angry with his son. Frasier is left with
little dignity and looks at Eddie for a little support. However, even
Eddie turns his face away from him. Frasier can only sulk.
"REQUIEM FOR A LIGHTWEIGHT"
Scene Three - Café Nervosa.
The next day, Frasier is preparing for the big fight whilst chatting
with Roz.
Roz: So, I step out of the shower, I look out of the window and I
notice the garbage man looking right in at me. So, I say,
"Did you get a good look?" And he says, "Not completeley,
turn around". Then he smiled and he's missing a tooth and
that's when the romance went right out of it for me.
Frasier: Roz, why are you telling me this story?
Roz: I'm trying to take your mind of the fact that in five
minutes you're going to walk right out into that square and
get your clock cleaned.
Frasier: Well, has it ever occurred to you that I might actually win
this fight?
Roz: Your shoes untied. [Frasier checks his tied shoes] If you
fell for that one, you're going down and you're going down
hard.
Niles: [enters] Frasier, there's quite a crowd forming out there.
Secretaries with bag lunches, business men, children with
balloons...
Frasier: All that's missing is a Mari D'Archi band.
Niles: They're setting up!
Roz: Well, I better go find a great place in the crowd. I'll be
off to the left Frasier, for when you tear his ear off and
when you throw it to the beautiful senorieeta.
Niles: Frasier, as your brother and as your friend: Why are you
doing this?
Frasier: It's Billy Creasel.
Niles: [looking around:] Where?
Frasier: [shakes head] He's not here Niles. It's just that I ran away
from him when I was ten.
Niles: I remember.
Frasier: You know I've been running ever since, you know this is
where it stops. I'm not running anymore.
Niles: What is it that makes us Crane boys such targets?
Niles takes his nail file out of his coat pocket and begins filing
his nails. He blows on them and offers the file to Frasier which he
refuses.
Frasier: [sarcastic:] Chalk it up to random violence!
Martin: [enters:] Hey there.
Frasier: Dad, what are you doing here?
Martin: Look son, I said a couple of things last night that maybe
went over the line.
Frasier: Look dad, if you were worried that you talked me into
something that I wasn't ready to do well - you're wrong. You
can relax. I took this on for myself.
Martin: Good.
Frasier: Who told you that I was going through with it anyway?
Martin: Let's just say a father knows certain things about his son.
[they smile]
Daphne: [enters:] Good news, I parked in front of a broken meter.
We're getting a freebie. Well, good luck Dr. Crane with the
fight.
Frasier: Thank you Daphne. Any psychic predictions on the outcome?
Daphne: Actually, yes. But don't worry, I'm frequently wrong.
Niles: Frasier, Frasier, there's something I want you to see.
[points out of window:] There, the man standing to the left
of the statue - I recognise his picture from the newspaper,
that's Derek Mann.
Frasier: He's gigantic.
Daphne: [looking out:] My God, you could show a movie on his back!
Martin: Are you sure you want to go through with this?
Frasier: Yes, yes I am.
Martin: Good, you'll be fine. Just remember this is a street fight
and not a boxing match. So fight dirty and throw the first
punch!
Daphne: I found that a swift kneeing to the groin usually does the
trick. [cocky:] If you have any doubts; check with a fellow
in Manchester named Nigel Taverns.
Niles: [begins to leave:] Well, if we want an unobstructed view..
Frasier: [stops him:] Look, I prefer if you guys stay here. You'll
only make me nervous.
Martin: Whatever you want.
They all wish Frasier good luck. As he exits the Mari D'Archi band
strikes up. They all move over to the window to look out.
Martin: They've got a Mari D'Archi band out there!
Niles: I'll have to get their card, I need someone for our summmer
barbeque.
Daphne: Oh look their starting the fight.
Martin: Nah, their just circling, seizing each other up.
They all shout encouragements as police sirens are heard.
Niles: Is that the police?
Martin: Yeah, what are they doing here?
Daphne: They're breaking it up! Just when they were getting started.
Shouts are heard from the crowd hurling insults at the police force.
The officer marches Frasier right into the Café.
Frasier: Alright, I'll come along peacefully - let me just get my
jacket.
Officer: Relax, I'm not arresting you but I'm warning you that in
this town we don't settle our differences with street fights
- no matter who you are.
Frasier: Well thank you officer, you'll have no more trouble from me.
Officer: Okay. [exits]
Frasier: Dad, dad, did you see me? My hands are trembeling, my chest
is pounding, my mouth is all dry, my knees are like jello...
God, I feel great!
Martin: You did good.
Frasier: Yeah, I was out there. I was raring to go, you saw that..
Martin: I know you were. You would have kicked his but!
Daphne: From here to Tacoma.
Niles: [shouting:] I think we should celebrate. Everyone, a round
of victory Lattes on me.
As the gang celebrate, Martin walks up to the officer on the door.
Martin: Thanks Harry, I owe you one.
Officer: No problem, Marty.
Martin: You cut it pretty close through. Another minute then Frasier
would have been sidewalk litter. He would have been lunch
meat.
Officer: Say some of the guys are getting together later at Dukes.
Why don't you come along?
Martin: Yeah maybe I will. And you know why I will? Because the
Crane boys don't take clarinet lessons anymore.
Officer: What the hell are you talking about?
Martin: [embarrassed:] Oh that's right, you weren't in my precinct.
End Of Act Two. (Time: 21:10)
Credits:
Frasier's Apartment:
Eddie is sat on a chair staring at a picture of Frasier looking mad.
He doesn't take his eyes of him.
Legal Stuff
This episode capsule is copyright 1999 by Nick Hartley. This episode
summary remains property of Frasier, Copyright of Paramount
Productions and NBC. Printed without permission.
