My Coffee With Niles Written by David Angell & Peter Casey
Directed by James Burrows
=====================================================================
Production Code: 1.24.
Original Airdate on NBC: 19th May 1994.
Transcript written on 16th February 1999.
Quotes and Scene Summary {nicholas hartley}
MY COFFEE WITH NILES
Act One. In Cafe Nervosa, Niles is speaking into his celluar phone.
He is giving directions to Maris. Meanwhile, Frasier walks in.
Niles: Calm down dear. No, calm down, listen, take a left, then
the second right then a left again.
Frasier: Is Maris lost again?
Niles: Yes, she wondered into the kitchen by mistake. I had to
talk her back to the living room.
Frasier: [looking round:]It's kinda busy, any chance of getting a
table?
Niles: Not at the moment. The table by the window recieved their
check five minutes ago but they have been sitting there
jammering away every since. I've been tuting them dirty
looks, but they haven't budged.
Frasier: Show me the look. [Niles pulls one eyebrow look in a strict
sort of way.] They're there for a while.
Niles: Meantime, shall we go ahead and order?
Frasier: Oh why not, [to waitress:] What are your coffees today?
Waitress: Zimbarbwee and Kenya.
Frasier: I'll have a Zimbarbwee Latte.
Niles: I'll have a Kenyan Cappuchino.
Frasier: So what's new?
Niles: Well, Yoshi the gardener finally won the battle of the
wills. He got Maris to dig up her chamelea so he could put
in that precious "Zen Garden" that he's been hocking us
about since last fall.
Frasier: How did that turn out?
Niles: Oh it's beautiful, it's the perfect place for meditation.
Yesterday, I found Maris smack-dab in the middle sitting in
the lotus position.
Frasier: Well good for her, apparantly it's bringing out her
spiritual side.
Niles: I'm not sure, she reading a Danielle Steel novel, making a
nail appointment on her celluar phone.
Frasier: Do you realise that today marks a year since I moved here
from Boston.
Niles: Really? A year! It seems like yesterday dad moved in with
you.
Frasier: Isn't funny how two people can have distinct oppositive
impressions of the same event.
Niles: [moving to the window seat:] They are both sitting there as
if they own that table. Maybe if we both gave them the
look.
Frasier: It's worth a try. [They both stare at them, and they move.]
Niles I'll never doubt you again! [they give high fives.]
However, by the time that Niles and Frasier have got their
possesions from the counter, a couple have already seated
themselves. Niles and Frasier are angered by this.
Niles: Try the look on this table, I'm going to the mens room.
Niles leaves, whilst Frasier stares at a couple on their usual
table. However, they haven't budged a few minutes later when Niles
come back from the mens room with wet hands.
Niles: Maddening!
Frasier: What is it now?
Niles: They have a new moisturiser dispenser in the mens room, and
the cream is entirely too oily, so I had to rewash my
hands, and would you know it, that is when the hot air hand
dryer decides to break down!
Frasier: How do you get through the day.
Waitress: [bringing Coffees:] Here we go, Zimbarbwee and Kenyan.
Frasier: [not pleased.] Oh, excuse, did I say de-caf?
Waitress: No, you didn't.
Frasier: Oh I'm sorry, if I drink the regular it'll keep me tossing
and turning all through my brother's conversation. [she
takes it] Well Niles, it doesn't look like anybody is
leaving, why don't we take a table outside.
Niles: Why not, I'm feeling al Fresco.
Frasier: Oh, how does Mrs. Fresco feel about that.
They chuckle away as they go to the outside seats. They find some
table and chairs exactly infront of the enterance, Frasier watches
Niles wipe down the seat precariously.
Frasier: It must be a riot on camping trips!
Niles: Would you like a.. [hands him a cloth, Frasier refuses.
They both sit down.] So, Frasier, now that chapter two of
your life is in full swing, do you mind if I ask you
something?
Frasier: No go right ahead.
Niles: Are you happy?
Frasier: [thinks.]
Niles: Did you hear the question?
Frasier: Yes I'm thinking, it's a seemingly complex question.
Niles: No it's not.
Frasier: Yes it is.
Niles: No it's not. Either you're happy or you're not.
Frasier: Are you happy?
Niles: No, but we're not talking about me.
Frasier: Oh, let's not just gloss over that. You, my only brother,
has just told me you're not happy and it pains me to hear
that, so why?
Niles: I was watching PBS, the other night in my study and they
were showing this documentary on the great depression.
Vintage Steinback, desperately poor people escaping the
dust ball, their meager possesions strapped to rickety old
trucks heading to what they thought was their salvation.
Then there was this scene with this scruffy boy being
handed a brand new pair of shoes by the salvation army.
Frasier, if you saw the look on that boy's face. It was a
look of pure and utter happiness. I have never experienced
that kind of happiness, not in my whole life. Not even when
I bought this four hundred dollar "Berno Maglese". [shows
shoes off.] Do you like them?
Frasier: Do you like them?
Niles: What about the tassles?
Frasier: Well, I'm not much of a tassle guy.
Niles: No, neither am I, nevertheless there they are. [thinks.]
Oh, I have no reason to be unhappy. I've have my health,
have a wondeful home, a beautiful wife. Did your eye brow
just move?
Frasier: I don't think so.
Niles: I've got my practice. Although, lately I've lost track of
the ideals that led me to psychiatry in the first place.
Frasier: Hmm yes.
Niles: Look who I'm talking to. Psychiatry's answer to the drive-
thru window. You know, sometimes I wonder if I'm not just
in psychiatry for the money.
Frasier: Oh, I wouldn't say that's true, In a word... forget it.
Niles: What were you going to say?
Frasier: I'd rather not.
Niles: Well, there's no need, I think I know what you were getting
at. You've been wanting to ask me this for years; "Did I
marry Maris for the money?". [Frasier nods.] I resent that!
I did not marry Maris for the money, It's just a delightful
bonus.
Frasier: So, you really do love her?
Niles: Of course I love her. But it's a different kind of love.
Frasier: You mean it's not human?
Niles: No, no, I mean it doesn't burn with the passion and
intensity of a Tristan of Azores. It's more comftable, more
familiar. Maris and I are old friends. We can spend an
afternoon together, me at my jigsaw puzzle, she at her
auto-harp, not a word spoken between us and be perfectly
content.
Frasier: I'm told it was a lot like that near the end in the Hitler
household.
Niles: Oh, fine, let's shift this subject back to where it
belongs. This whole started with me asking whether you were
happy. And don't think about it this time just answer.
Frasier: Aw, well...
Roz: [coming over:] Hey guys!
Frasier: Hi Roz.
Niles: Hello Roz. What are you doing here?
Roz: Well I always wanted to learn to fly a Jet and today
they're offering a special on Jet flying lessons, so I
thought I'd come by and take advantage of it. [Niles
doesn't understand.] I came to get coffee!
Niles: Well, thanks for stopping by, I'd have been mad if you
didn't.
Roz: I'm also meeting someone here.
Frasier: Oh let me guess, a man?
Roz: Yes.
Frasier: [immitating:] Yes.
Roz: The new guy from the news department, Andy Winslow, he's
really cute. He caught me checking him out when he was
bending over the water fountain.
Frasier: Ah! Love at first sight!
Roz: Anyway he said, why don't we get some coffee and get to
know each other. [adding makeup:] I don't know Frasier,
I've got a strange feeling that this guy might be the one.
Frasier: Oh, Roz, honey, you say that about every guy you meet.
Let's just see if this one calls back.
Roz: [takes Niles' serviette and uses it to wipe her lipstick.]
Yeah, I guess, you know, I don't think he's here yet. I'll
just go and snag a table.
Frasier: Good Luck!
Niles: Bye Roz.
Roz: Huh! [leaves.]
Niles: I don't think she likes me.
Frasier: Niles, it isn't a question of liking or not liking. She
dispises you!
Niles: Really? Why should I warrant such strong emotions, I barely
acknowledge her existance?
Frasier: I think you maybe onto something, there Sherlock!
Niles: [looks into the Cafe.] She is cumbly in a back ally sort of
way.
Frasier: Roz, yes she's very attractive.
Niles: Do you ever think about you two, you know...
Frasier: Roz and me? [laughs] No!
Niles: You've never fantasised about stealing away to a cheap
little motel with her?
Frasier: Oh well, I'm a normal man with normal urges. She does have
a silk blouse that falls open a bit when she leans over
card rack. But mixing work with romance, I don't know is it
ever worth it?
Niles: I don't know, you tell me, you're the one who looked down
her blouse!
Waitress: [bringing second coffee:] De-caf, Zimbarbwe Latte.
Frasier: Is that non-fat milk?
Waitress: No.
Frasier: Oh, I hate to be a bother, it's just that I'm watching my
fat intake. [she takes it away, then it begins to rain.]
Niles: What is that? Rain?
Frasier: [sarcastically:] No, God is crying!
Niles: I asked a simple question.
Frasier: Do you ask any other kind?
Niles and Frasier walk in and see Roz who has managed to get their
usual front row table. They see a group moving near the bookcase, so
they head over there, but a couple get to it first. The people on
the window seat move so they dash over there. A man is just about to
get there, but Niles blocks him out of his way. They finally sit
down.
Frasier: Good work there Niles!
Niles: I think I just wanted it a little more than he did. [looking
out of the window:] Boy it's really coming down. [Frasier
looks out and begins laughing.] What? What?
Frasier: Oh just something that happened the other morning. I asked
dad to pass me a bran muffin, you know what he said to me,
he said "What's the magic word?"
Niles: You're kidding.
Frasier: He didn't think it was very amusing when I said "rest home"!
[they both laugh.]
Niles: [sees Roz with a man.] Oh look , look that must be Roz's
coffee companion. Wow! He's really handsome isn't he?
Frasier: Wow! Did you say Wow?
Niles: Good lord I did. I've never said "Wow" when describing
another man before. I wonder if that means something.
Frasier: Oh, absolutely. [sarcastic:] It means you're a gay man. Your
life with Maris was a charade and you should have come out
of the closet years ago. Are you going to tell dad or shall
I? [laughs.]
Meanwhile, a rather wet Daphne and Martin enter with Eddie by their
side.
Martin: This was stupid, this whole thing was stupid, admit it.
Daphne: It was not stupid! You needed your excercise. What was
stupid was, you came out without your bumbershoot!
Martin: It's called an umberella! Speak English can you?
Waitress: [coming over:] I'm sorry sir, no dogs allowed.
Martin: [acts like a blind man:] What?
Waitress: I'm sorry.
Niles: It's OK, OK.
Martin: [feels Niles' face:] Niles?
Niles: Hello dad.
Frasier: So, dad, what are you two doing here?
Daphne: Well, I thought we needed some excercise, and I had to come
down here to pick up some beans anyway, so we walked. Well
two of us walked. One of us had to be dragged by his
collar.
Martin: Hey, I told you I didn't want to come here in the first
place. Look at me, I'm going to die of pneumonia.
Daphne: Oh, you'll outlive us all. The cranky ones always do.
[Niles goes to the counter with her.]
Frasier: Dad, let's get you something hot to drink. [Frasier summons
the waitress.] Em, cappuchino, latte?
Waitress: [to Martin:] Can I help you?
Martin: Coffee, black, and don't put anything fancy in it.
Waitress: We have two special coffees. [Martin stares bored.] I'll
surprise you. [leaves.]
Frasier: [Eddie sits next to him.] Oh, joy. There's nothing like the
smell of a wet dog to work up the appetite for supper!
Martin: Look at us, we're soaked to the skin!
Frasier: You're in a fine mood today!
Martin: Ah, and by the way you left a mess in the kitchen.
Frasier: I had a piece of toast!
Martin: Yeah, and you didn't use a plate like I asked you too, an'
you put it in under the counter. [Niles sits down with his
briefcase.] And all because you left a bunch a crumbs and
toast swept there!
Niles: Toast swept?
Frasier: Yes, yes, it's when you put a piece of hot toast on any
surface, and it leaves droplets of dew behind. Haven't you
heard dad's lecture on the evils of toasts swept? It's the
scurge of our times.
Waitress: [with coffees:] One coffee black, and a de-caf, non-fat,
Zimbarbwee Latte.
Frasier: Oh dear is that Cinnamon on that foam? [she whisks it away
again, then he says to Martin:] Well you know, as long as
we're picking at each other's scabs here, I found another
one of Eddie's chew toys in my sweater cupboard the other
day, hairs all over my favourite pull over. I know he
sleeps in there when I'm not home!
Martin: It serves you right for keeping your sweaters in a place
called "the cubby".
Frasier: That's it, my bedroom is off limits to this flea bag.
Martin: He's not a flea bag.
Niles: Hey dad, how about those Mariners.
Martin: Shut up, Niles. Look, who's kidding here, if my hips good
enough to get me down here, then maybe it's about time I
found a place of my own.
Niles: Where will you go?
Martin: Oh don't worry about me, I'll find a place, I've got a
little money saved up. I never wanted to move in with you
in the first place, and the last thing I wanna do is...
Frasier: ...to be a burden to anybody.
Martin: [to Niles:] That's your brothers smart-ass way of telling
me he's heard this before. Well, you won't have to hear it
again, come on Eddie. Tell Daphne to catch up with us will
you.
Frasier: Dad, please, we go through this little melodrama at least
once a week. Will you just sit down, it's raining outside.
Martin: No, no, I'll pay for coffee too, how much is it?
Frasier: A dollar fifty.
Martin: For coffee! What kind of world are we living in?
Martin exits into the rain, whilst Frasier decides to take a visit
to the toilet.
End of Act One (Time: 12:35)
Act Two. Later, Niles is at the counter where Daphne has just got
her beans. Frasier comes back also with wet hands.
Niles: Frasier, are you alright? You've been in there forever.
Frasier: Oh I tried that damn hand cream, [wipes his hand on
serviette], I'm so oily I couldn't get a grip on the
doorknob. I awaited to be rescued, finally when some guy
came in and said "Oh God, am I glad to see you". I can't
even begin to describe the look he gave me. [a man walks
past Frasier giving him an undescribable look.] There it
is! [Niles and Frasier heads to their seats, Daphne goes
with them.]
Daphne: So, your brother tells me you and your father are at it
again.
Frasier: Oh, yeah, what's new?
Daphne: I don't know what's wrong with him. Lately, he's had a face
as long as a wet weekend. Yesterday, when I insisted he do
his excercises, he told me to put my feet behind my head
and spin like a tot. [Niles begins to fantasise about
this.]
Frasier: Oh well, best thing to do, just ignore him when he gets
sarcastic. Isn't that right Niles? Niles?
Niles: [after coming out of the daydream] I'm sorry Frasier, for
some reason I feel a little dizzy.
Daphne: Well I guess I better go after him.
Niles: Oh, here. [hands her his umbrella.] Take my bumbershoot.
Daphne: Oh isn't that nice, well at least someone appreciates my
mother tongue. [leaves.]
Niles: Yes, I've always had an ear for your tongue.
Frasier: Niles!
Niles: What did I say? Want another coffee.
Frasier: Not until I've had my first one, thanks! [Niles signals for
another coffee.] Why is it always so difficult between me
and dad?
Niles: Oh well, you might try looking at it from dad's point of
view. As a policeman in a position of authority and that's
been taken away from him. Whaling against the world is his
way of controlling his ever shrinking sphere of influence.
Frasier: Yes I do emphapise which him, I just can't help wishing I
could just kick that cane out from under him once in a
while and that he would land on Eddie!
Niles: Well, the simple truth is it's hard. I know you're trying!
Frasier: I am! And you know sometimes I do see the fruits of my
labour. You know, just the other night dad was watching TV
and I had fallen asleep on the couch and suddenly I
stirred, I felt something on my head, and dad was standing
above me stroking my hair.
Niles: Dad?! Did he say anything?
Frasier: Well he said "don't think it's time you got a hair cut,
you're starting to look like bozo!" I know he was only
covering though but what do you think?
Niles: Probably wouldn't hurt to get a trim!
Frasier: No! Do you think he was covering?
Niles: Of course he was covering, you know dad! Tough as nails on
the outside, but on the inside one giant... spike. [The
waitress brings him his Coffee.] Gratsi.
Frasier: Excuse me, but what about mine?
Waitress: We've got a team of specialists working on it. [leaves.]
Frasier: Look, why don't we just change the subject from dad, and
talk about something else.
Niles: Aboslutely, pick a new topic. Something light and frofy.
Frasier: I agree. Are you in love with Daphne? [Niles spits out of
coffee.] That's a little frofthier than I had in mind!
Niles: That poposterous, I refuse to dignify that question with an
answer. [Frasier stares at him.] I don't know, there I said
it. There. Are you happy? Why did you have to hire Venus
herself? Couldn't you have found some beefy East-European
scrub woman who wreaked of ammonia?
Frasier: Well I asked but it was an Olympic year, the agency was
fresh out.
Niles: Frasier, I can't get her out of my mind. When I look at
Daphne she stirs a passion in me I've never known before.
Frasier: Niles, you're not considering leaving Maris?
Niles: Certainly not!
Frasier: Well I suppose the situation you're in is that you'd like
to stay with Maris but you'd like an affair with Daphne.
Niles: Yes, can I do that?
Frasier: No you can't.
Niles: I thought that I couldn't but you got my hopes up there for
a minute. Oh, it's easy for you. You're free, you're happy.
Or though perhaps I'm getting ahead of myself there, you
haven't answered that question yet.
Frasier: Oh I haven't answered it have I?
Niles: You haven't and I'm getting curious. Are you happy?
Frasier: Well, I guess the best way I can think of saying it is..
Roz: [coming over:] This sucks!
Frasier: What's a matter?
Roz: You sit down with someone and have a cup of coffee and
think that they might just might lead you to something,
like a life! Suddenly the trap door opens and you're right
back in Roz's world!
Niles: How did it go wrong so quickly?
Roz: Hmm, simple. He didn't want to date me. He wanted to
convert me! I don't have anything against religious people.
I don't care if they're Jewish, or Johova Witness or
Buddist. I am ecominical, I embrace men of all faiths!
Frasier: If only it stopped there!
Roz: But he pretended he was going to ask me out, isn't there a
commandment against that?
Niles: No, they didn't get into dating until the new testament.
Frasier: Oh, I'm sorry Roz, why don't you join us?
Roz: No, no Thank you, there's a cute new handyman in my
building. I thought I'd just go home, slip into my neglegeé
and rip out my faucet. [leaves.]
Frasier: You thinks she's kidding don't you? You know, I think about
Roz's life and it makes me wonder about my own! I haven't
been exactly burning up the social scene lately.
Niles: You'll find somebody.
Frasier: But what if I don't? What if I end up old and alone? I just
might have to buy a funny little dog and move in with
Frederick. I guess I don't need to worry about that for a
while!
Niles: No, Frederick should start worrying about it. In the mean
time, you might want to answer my ever more tedious
original question. Are you happy?
Frasier: Well, I guess I'd have to say..
Martin: [entering with Eddie:] Hello boys.
Niles: Oh for Pete's sake!
Frasier: Hello dad, what are you doing back here?
Martin: I don't know. I've been acting like a jerk, these past
couple of days, and I've been taking it out on you and
Daphne. You know, all that stuff I said earlier just forget
about it.
Frasier: I already have.
Martin: Come boy.
Frasier: Dad, dad, listen. Has something been bothering you these
past few days?
Martin: No, not really, no.
Frasier: Come on, say it.
Martin: OK, last Sunday was my birthday.
Niles: Of course it was, Frasier and I was planning a big surprise
party. But, if we threw it on your birthday it wouldn't
have been a surprise, thus we waited a week, so
"surprise!". [Martin doesn't buy and Fraiser just stares at
Niles.] Oh if you could just see the look on your face.
Frasier: Just give it up Niles! Dad, I'm sorry. Listen, come and
have a seat.
Martin: You know, I don't know why I let it bother me. All those
years on the force, I missed enough of you boys's
birthdays. You're entitled to miss one of mine.
Frasier: You know what, there's no reason to stop us celebrating
anyway. Tonight, we'll take you out for dinner.
Martin: You don't need to do that!
Niles: Absolutely, absolutely, you name the place.
Martin: OK, how about Hoffy's H'old Hinenberg. [The boys pretend
it's wonderful.] They were voted best Brötwurst in time for
three times in a row.
Frasier: Ach du lieber. [they laugh].
Daphne: [walking in:] There you are. I've been up and down third
street looking for you.
Martin: Oh, I was on fourth street, Eddie had already smelled
everything on third. How did you know I was coming back
here anyway?
Daphne: I had one of my psychic flashes. Bang! There you were
walking through the door of Cafe Nervosa. And there you
were apologising for the way you've treated me this past
week.
Martin: Yeah, I'm sorry about that Daphne, just forget about it
alright.
Daphne: And something about a raise. [looks to Frasier.]
Martin: You're winging it now aren't you?
Daphne: Am I that transparent?
Martin: No, I'm psychic. Come on, we're gotta hurry up because the
boys are taking us to Hoffy's H'old Hinenberg tonight for
dinner!
Daphne: Oh great, German food, we whipped the jerries twice this
century and they still have the last laugh. [leaves.]
Frasier: You know, dad I'd give you a ride, but I've got to stop by
the station first.
Martin: Nah!
Niles: No, that's OK, I'll give him a lift.
Frasier: Ah.
Niles: Frasier, as always I've enjoyed getting together with you
for coffee.
Martin: What do you guys talk about all the time?
Niles: Oh, you know, sport, chics, monster truck rallys.
Martin: OK, don't tell me.
Niles and Martin leave, Frasier awaits his de-caf, non-fat milk,
non-cinammon foam Zimbarbwee Latte alone. The waitress arrives, with
yet another cup of coffee.
Waitress: Zimbarbwee, de-caf, non-fat milk, no cinammon in sight.
Now, ARE YOU HAPPY?
Frasier: [answering Niles' question:] You know in the greater
scheme, yes I'd say I am. [He tastes his coffee.]
End of Act Two. (Time: 22:10)
Credits:
It seems that Frasier was indeed answering Niles question as it
seems the coffee still isn't perfect. He gets the waitress over to
his table who pulls the coffee away before he manages to utter a
word.
Legal Stuff
This episode capsule is copyright 1999 by Nick Hartley. This
episode summary remains property of Frasier, Copyright of Paramount
Productions and NBC. Printed without permission.
