Author, Author Written by Don Seigel &
Jerry Perzigian
Directed by James Burrows
=====================================================================
Production Code: 1.22.
Original Airdate on NBC: 5th May 1994.
Transcript written on 17th February 1999.
Quotes and Scene Summary {nicholas hartley}
Act One. In Cafe Nervosa, the waitress is serving Frasier, it' his
usual, or is it?
Waitress: Here you go Doc, your usual.
Frasier: My usual. How lovely it is to have a usual. [tastes it.]
What is this?
Waitress: Latte with nutmeg and cinnamon.
Frasier: Ah, no, no, no, that's my brother's usual. Mine is the
double Kona with cream.
Niles: [entering:] Oh, Frasier, am I glad to see you?
Waitress: [to Niles:] Your usual Doc?
Niles: Please. [she hands Frasier's to Niles, then he carries on:]
Thankyou!
Frasier: Niles, you seem more than usually agitated today, problem?
Niles: I'm meeting my publisher here in five minutes, remember the
book deal I signed last month, the one you were so jealous
of.
Frasier: I wasn't jealous of it Niles, you just wanted me to be
jealous.
Niles: It's all mooed anyway, the deal's about to be killed. It
turns out the idea I sold them had already been done, they
gave me until today to think up an alternative and I've got
bupkiss. I've got less than bupkiss. I've got what bupkiss
keeps for lint in the bottom of his pocket!
Frasier: Can't you just ask for an extension?
Niles: No, no, I've asked for two already. [sees him walking in:]
Oh God there he is. Sam, so good to see you.
Sam: Niles.
Niles: Sam Tanaka, my brother Dr. Frasier Crane.
Frasier: My pleasure. [the waitress bring's Frasier's coffee.]
Sam: Nice to meet you.
Niles: Sam, would you like a coffee?
Sam: [points to Frasier's cup:] Oh, I'll have what he's having.
[Niles takes Frasier's cup and gives it to Sam.]
Niles: So you shall.
Frasier: [to waitress:] One more please.
Sam: Wait a second, you're the doctor from the radio, aren't
you?
Frasier: Guilty as charged.
Sam: I listen to your show all the time.
Frasier: Well thank you.
Sam: I never put it together that you two of you were brothers.
Niles: All our lives. [laughs.]
Sam: Well you two must have incredible insight into sibling
relationships.
Frasier: No more than your average psychiatrist brothers. [laughs.]
Sam: So Niles, what's your idea?
Niles: [nearly crying:] My idea. Well Sam, you know I've given it
a lot of thought, and it's not easy.
Sam: You'd almost think there's a book in that.
Niles: In what?
Sam: Two psychiatrist brothers writing about sibling
relationships.
Niles: That, Sam, is why you are the most respected publisher in
the greater Seattle area. That is exactly the idea we were
going to pitch to you.
Frasier: What? I hate to interupt..
Sam: Terrific. Gentlemen, I'm going to cancel my lunch date so I
can take you two out to celebrate.
Niles: Well we were going to write today but OK. [Sam leaves.]
Frasier: Niles, what the hell are you doing? I don't want to write a
book. For God sakes, I'm outta here.
Niles: Frasier, I know it's asking big favour, I mean I know
you're busy but I want you to know that all of my life I've
dreamed of one thing, the day I could go into a library and
go to the card catalogue and see my name under "mental
illness". The day I could finally feel what you feel; that
I'm somebody, not just one more dusty little psychiatrist
in a grey pin-stripe suit.
Frasier: Oh, Niles I...
Niles: Go on, we haven't collabarated on anything together since we wrote the spring musical in prep school.
Frasier: Well it was well recieved, did get us out of gym class.
Niles: It could be like that again.
Frasier: I don't know Niles.
Niles: [begins singing with Frasier:]
For some boys go to college,
But we think they're all wussies,
For they get all the knowledge,
And we get all the...
Umpa umpa umpa umpa umpa umpa umpa.
Frasier: Alright, I'll do it!!
Niles: Yes!
IT WAS PROBABLY
LAKE SMITH
Later, Frasier answers the door to his partner, Niles. Martin is by
the television.
Frasier: Tu ma frere.
Niles: Tu ma frere.
Martin: Hello Niles, what are you doing over here?
Frasier: Oh dad, I told you it's our first writing session tonight.
Martin: But I thought you were doing it over at Niles' house.
Niles: Er, we were suppose to, unfortuantly it's Maris' turn to
host her sherry tasting group and things tend to get a
little rawcus when she does.
Martin: Bu the silencer's on in twenty minutes.
Frasier: Dad, I've solved that problem. I've bought you these head
phones see. You'll be able to listen to the TV, without
disturbing Niles and me as we work?
Martin: What about Eddie? How's he going to hear?
Frasier: He can read about the game in tomorrow's paper. Try 'em out
dad.
Martin: [puts them on and shouts:] Hey not bad!
Niles: Very clever solution.
Frasier: Yes, and it also has another little feature that I like a
lot. Watch this; Hey dad! Nice shirt!. [he cannot here.] Did
they throw that in the last time you had your tyres rotated.
Niles: Hey dad, tell us about the time you met Dweight Eisenhower.
We haven't heard that story this hour!
Frasier: Ok, Ok, my turn, hey dad rememb..
Martin: [obviously hearing:] Say another word and I'll club you both
with my cane. [he settles down:] This is great, thanks a
lot. [puts earphones around Eddie's neck.] You better watch
out for this for me, Eddie. I'm going to get myself a little
snack, who wants some beer?
Frasier: Just you! Alright now, Niles, this is no time to
procrastinate.
Niles: OK, here we go. [poised at the keyboard of his laptop.]
Chapter One. Page One. Paragraph One. I'm indenting!
[Frasier shuts the laptop.]
Frasier: I had to squash your enthusiam but don't you think before we
start actually typing the book, we should discuss what the
book is going to be about!
Niles: Forgive me for just barreling ahead, but damn it I'm jazzed.
You know we have to approach this book from a completely
different angle from all of our previous writings, our
dissertations, out thesises.
Frasier: Hmm, that's right yeah, this has to be interresting!
Niles: Well, the obvious approach is case histories. We'll fill the
book with anacdoques with brothers and sisters we've delt
with in our practice.
Frasier: Yes, and if we through in a few references to heaving
bussums, we're bound to make book of the month club.
Martin: Why, I could tell you a couple of stories about you guys,
you could throw in there.
Niles: That's an idea, we could use ourselves, it would make a
delicious introuduction to our book.
Frasier: I like the introduction idea. Dad, OK give us a story which
depicts little Frasier and little Niles at their conflicted
best.
Martin: Oh, that has to be when we went trout fishing up at that
lake whats-it's-name. Boy you guys were out at tooth and
nail.
Niles: This is good, this is interessting.
Martin: Now, what was the name of that lake again.
Frasier: Dad, the name of the lake is immaterial.
Martin: Indian word, Lake Whatchahatchi?
Frasier: Dad, you're missing the point here.
Martin: [ignoring:] Ow, your mother would know. Too bad she's dead!
Er, whatacouchi, whatawoochi. It was an Indian word it meant
"Land of a thousand.." No! This is driving me nuts! I'm
going to have to go in there and look it up.
Frasier: Dad, we just wanted the story!
Martin: No, it's alright, now where the hell did I put my atlas.
[leaves.]
Frasier: Quit a resource isn't he.
Niles: Alright, we'll just put the introduction on hold.
Frasier: Ok, back to case histories. Well, I suppose I could go take
my files out of storage after the re.. [thinks of
something.] Niles, is there a lightbulb over my head?
Niles: You have an idea?
Frasier: No, [sarcastically:] I'm actually asking you if there's a
lightbulb over my head! Of course I have an idea, it's my
radio show. I mean what better source of case histories can
there be. I'll just ask my listners to call in with their
personal stories of sibling conflict, and you could be my
guest on the show.
Niles: So, what you're suggesting, is that exploit your listners
lives for our own personal game?
Frasier: In essence, yes. What do you think?
Niles: I think it's border-line sleazy, let's go for it!
THE MOTHER LODE
So, on the next day, Frasier is setting up for his show. However,
Roz isn't too happy about Niles.
Frasier: Hello Roz.
Roz: Hey Frasier. What's your brother doing here?
Frasier: He's going to be my guest on the show today.
Roz: Oh no! I don't think so! I am the producer, and I approve
all the guests. This wasn't run by me and I do not approve
him!
Frasier: [putting script down:] OK, Roz, bye bye, have a good show.
Roz: OK, OK, but I won't make him coffee, I won't run his errends
and I'm not taking any of his crapola. [through mike:] Hey
Niles, welcome aboard. [to Frasier:] Five seconds till air.
Frasier: [into booth with Niles:] OK, Niles, sit down, take a deep
breath and try not to spit on the mike! [he is on air:]
Hello Seattle, this is Dr. Frasier Crane, I have a very
special guest with me today. My brother, the emminent
psychiatrist, Dr. Niles Crane.
Niles: Helloooo, Emerald City. What's dooooing what's happ'nin'?
Frasier: [off air:] What the hell do you think you're doing?
Niles: That was my radio persona. Every radio personality has one.
Frasier: I don't.
Niles: My point exactly.
Frasier: Just try to be yourself will you. [on air:] Our topic today
is siblings. What makes you love them, what makes you hate
them...
Niles: What little thing do they do that especially annoy you?
These could be things from your childhood OR they could
things from your adolesence, OR they could be things from
your young adulthood OR..
Frasier: ..They could be things that are going on right now! Roz,
who's our first caller?
Roz: We have Donald from Bainbridge Island. He hasn't spoken to
his brother for over twenty years.
Frasier: Hello Donald.
Niles: I'm listning!
Frasier: We're listning!
The show is now nearing to a close. A woman called Laura is on the
line, talking to Frasier whilst Niles is scribbling down all the
details.
Laura: I'll never forget it, Dr. Crane, I cried for two hours
straight.
Frasier: So, you were completely bald.
Laura: Yes, the perm destroyed my hair. I was sure my sisters were
going to laugh at me but they all kissed me and then they
marched into the bathroom and shaved their heads too, just
so I wouldn't feel like a freak.
Frasier: Amazing! Well there you have it Seattle, the miracle of the
sibling relationship spelled out in an unselfish act of
head-shaving. Well that's about all the time we have, I'd
like to thank my brother Dr. Niles Crane for being here
today. Niles, I would shave my head for you.
Niles: A gesture which becomes less significant with each passing
year.
Frasier: This is Dr. Frasier Crane, I'll be back tomorrow. One Crane
flying solo. [off air.]
Niles: Frasier, we have hit the mother lode. We've got enough
information here for two volumes! I must aplogise for ever
criticising your radio program.
Frasier: Oh, it's all water under the pont-neuf.
Roz: [peering round:] I hate to break up the stroke-a-thon but
there's a Sam Tanaka on line one.
Frasier: [presses button.] Oh, hello Sam, you're on speaker phone.
Sam: I caught the show today fellows.
Frasier: You did, and?
Sam: Magic! How's the writing coming?
Niles: Oh, incredible, it's just falling like water. We've got what
two or three chapters already.
Sam: That's good to hear, because I just got off the phone with
readers digest. They're interested in the serialisation
rights. I need first few chapters to give them a taste, can
you fax them right over?
Frasier: Well, Sam Of course we could, but you know they're a little
rough Sam.
Sam: No problem, you've got till Friday to polish them up, you
can do that right? [Niles and Frasier look at each other in
total dismay.]
Niles: Absolutely!
Frasier: Friday's fine!
Sam: Terrific, I love you guys! [hangs up.]
Frasier: My God, what are we going to do?
Niles: Well now, let's remember we have all this material and now
it's just a matter of putting it all together.
Frasier: It's due on Friday!
Niles: We'll settle down and do it by [stressed:] Friday!
Frasier: Wait, wait, I just remembered a story about George and Ira
Gershwin when they had to meet a deadline, they would lock
themselves in a hotel room, free from destractions and not
come out until their task was complete.
Niles: Brilliant! If we get hot we'll not only finish this volume
but we can write another chorus to "Betsy Who Is My Woman
Now".
End of Act One (Time: 11:52)
GEORGE AND IRA
Act Two. The Crane boys arrive at their hotel room. It's time to get
to work.
Niles: It's clean, it's sparkle, it's mass produced art, it's
totally devoid of charm, it's perfect, let's get to work.
Frasier: I'm with you mon frere, we cannot be intimidated by the
tiriny of a blank page. All we need to get a good start here
is... Room Service!!
Niles: Frasier!
Frasier: Niles, you're right! All we need is a good opening sentance.
Something that will smack the reader right between the eyes
and then take him on a virtual rollar-coaster ride of self
awareness and discovery.
Niles: Frasier, while you are other there mixing metaphores like a
Queisinart, I've had a break through. Voila! Our opening
sentance!
Frasier: [reading:] From Rhomulus and Rhemus to the Le Nain Sisters,
sibling relationships have sparked psychological debate
throughout the world. [thinks.] Interesting.
Niles: You like it?
Frasier: Well, I said it was interesting. Task ahead of us now is to
decide whether we'd like an interesting opening or a good
one.
Niles: You're just being negative because you didn't think of it
first.
Frasier: No! In truth I'm not. I never cared for Rhomulus, I never
cared for Rhemus and the reference to the Le Nain Sisters is
from the friggin' moon.
Niles: Well, alright, if you can do better, please be my guest.
Frasier: I will.
Niles: [after ten seconds:] My fingers are poised over the keys.
I'm waiting.
Some time later, Frasier and Niles have taken off their jackets,
they are sitting in the same exact spot and Niles is still twiddling
his thumbs above the keyboard. The look more tired.
Niles: I'm still waiting!
Frasier: Alright, alright, put this down! "The key to a good sibling
relationship is the ability to be open and honest."
Niles: That actually sounded good to me.
Frasier: Well put that in there.
Niles: [typing:] The key to a good sibling relationship is the
ability to be open and honest, while still respecting each
others boundaries.
Frasier: What are you doing? What was that crap about boundaries?
Niles: I was just finishing the thought.
Frasier: The thought was finished. It didn't need finishing for God's
sake. Now it's a run-on sentance.
Niles: I think it's much better this way.
Frasier: Well, I don't!
Niles: Well, I'm at the keyboard.
Frasier: Alright then, let me type! [Niles holds onto keyboard,
whilst Frasier tugs it.]
Niles: No, I can only write at the keyboard.
Frasier: Niles, you haven't written a thing all day, except ruin a
perfectly good opening sentance.
Niles: [mad:] I was meerly finishing it, it was an incomplete
thought.
Frasier: You're an incomplete thought! What happened to the Ice Tea?
Niles: I finished that too!
Much later, Frasier is lying on the bed in his vest. He is guzzling
down drinks from the mini bar. Meanwhile, a vested Niles is barely
awake over the keys, though tired.
Frasier: Niles, I've just had an epiphany.
Niles: Oh wonderful, we could use a second sentance.
Frasier: No, it's not for the book. I've just realised why so many
writers become bloated alcoholic suicides. [Niles types.]
No, don't type that in.
Niles: I'm not, I'm adding up our tab from the mini-bar. We now
owe, $232.
Frasier: [looks out of window.] Oh Dear God!
Niles: Well, you're the damn fool that ate the whole jar of
Macadania nuts!
Frasier: No, it's dawn. It's Friday! Oh Niles, why don't we just
admit it. We can't work together, there's never going to be
any book!
Niles: [brushing up hair:] Not with that attitude, there isn't.
Frasier: Oh will you get off it! Come on, the fat lady has sung! The
curtain has been run down here. I'll type it for you in
capital letters. [he does.]
Niles: [reading:] IT'S UVER?
Frasier: Let's just go home.
Niles: Well I guess I shouldn't be surprised you'd give up so
easily. It's not your dream after all. Why should it be, Mr.
big shot radio host!
Frasier: Oh, so that's what this little tantrum is all about, huh?
You're jealous of my celebrity.
Niles: It's not a tantrum, and I'm not jealous. I'm just [angry:]
FED UP! I'm fed up with being second all the time, you know
I wanted to be a psychiatrist like mom way before you did,
but because you were older you got there first. You were
first to get married, you were first to give dad the
grandchild he always wanted. By the time I get around to
doing anything, it's all chewed meat!
Frasier: You're crying about something we can't change!
Niles: You wouldn't change it if you could, you love it.
Frasier: Oh let it go Niles.
Niles: I can't let it go. My nose is rubbed in it everyday! I'm the
one on the board the psychiatric association, my research is
well respected in academic circles, four of my patients have
been elected to political office, but it's your big fat face
they put on the side of buses!
Frasier: I do not have a fat face!
Niles: Oh please, I've been wondering how long you're going to
store those nuts for winter!
Frasier: Well, at least I'm not spindly.
Niles: Who you calling spindly, fat face?
Frasier: You, spindly.
Niles: Fat face!
Frasier: Spindly!
Niles: Fat face!
Frasier: Spindly!
Niles: Fat face!
Frasier: You take that back.
Niles: You make me.
Frasier: I will make you.
Niles: I don't see you making me.
Frasier: Well, here's making you.
< em>Frasier pulls a hair out of Niles' chest. Niles runs after him and
jumps on his back. Frasier then bangs Niles onto the wall. Then they
try to strangle each other before stopping.
Frasier: Stop! Stop it, we're psychiatrist not putalists! [Niles
stops.] I can't believe you fell for that!
They fight some more. Frasier pushes Niles onto the bed, he jumps on
him and begins to shake him.
Niles: My God, My God, I'm having a flash back, you're climbing in
my crib and jumping on me.
Frasier: You stole my mummy! [stops and goes to door.] Oh My God, Oh
My God, Niles, I've gotta get out of here. This tireny has
been a fiasco since the start. It's the stupidest idea you
ever had, I should never have agreed to it! Goodbye!
[leaves.]
The next morning, Frasier enters the main room of his apartment
where Martin and Daphne are sitting.
Frasier: Morning all.
Martin: Morning.
Daphne: You seem cheerful this morning Dr. Crane.
Frasier: Why shouldn't I be?
Martin: Well it's going to rain again, jobless rates up and about
two minutes ago Eddie was licking that muffin. [Frasier puts
the muffin down and washes out his mouth, the door bell
goes.]
Daphne: Oh, I'll get it.
Frasier: Dad, the mark a pure man is that one that realises he can't
control his circumstances, he can only control his response.
Martin: Have you talken to your brother yet?
Frasier: I do not have a brother! I'm an only child!
Daphne: [answering door to Niles.] Oh, hello Dr. Crane.
Niles: Hello Daphne, [walks in] dad.
Frasier: [to Niles:] What are you doing here?
Niles: [to Martin:] Dad, I would like you to convey a message from
me to Frasier.
Martin: What makes you think I know where he is?
Niles: Tell him, he owes me half this hotel bill. Tell him I'll
accept cash but no personal checks as I know he has trouble
writing things! [Martin hands check to Frasier.]
Frasier: I'm not paying any of this!
Niles: So, you're cheap as well as intelectually baron.
Frasier: And you're a no talent hack.
Niles: And you look stupid in a t-shirt!
Martin: Alright, that's enough. Sit down and listen to me. Sit
down.[they do.] I never had a brother, but I had a partner
once, my first; Mitch Gussy. Big bear of a guy, arms like
tree-trunks. Mitch and I would go to ball games together,
we'd play cards and this was after work with eight hours
together..
Frasier: Dad, that's all very nice..
Martin: Just listen to me. Three months into our partnership, Gus
and I got assigned to a stake-out. Three days in the front
seat of a Sherry Noble together. Siting up, drinking too
much coffee. It didn't take long before we started getting
on each other's nerves.
Niles: Because he was a big egotistical fat face?
Martin: Because we were human. He didn't like this about me, I
didn't like that about him, so it got ugly. When the stake-
out was over Gus requested a transfer and that was fine by
me. Three months later, he was stabbed after breaking up a
bar-fight By the time he got to the hospital it was too
late. Take what you want from this story guys, all I know is
it ain't worth it!
Daphne: [runs to the kitchen crying:] Excuse me, I need a hanky.
Martin: Isn't there something you'd like to say to your brother?
Frasier: [holding the muffin Eddie licked:] Yes dad, I suppose there
is, Niles would you like a muffin?
Martin: Frasier!
Frasier: Alright! Niles, sorry things didn't work out with the book.
You have no reason to feel inferior to me. You're an
accomplished psychiatrist, a decent man. You stand second to
no-one.
Niles: Thankyou Frasier, the truth is I've always looked up to you
and admired you.
Martin: Alright, enough of this mushy girly stuff, just shake hands,
punch each other on the shoulder and be done with it.
Frasier: Oh what the heck!
Niles and Frasier hug which just disapoints Martin. Martin walks
into the kitchen for some Ballentines and finds Daphne crying.
Martin: What are you crying about?
Daphne: I just keep thinking about poor Gus, it must be so hard on
you carrying all that pain around.
Martin: There was no Gus I just made him up.
Daphne: What?!
Martin: Well at least there's there's one good writer in this family.
Daphne hits Martin with a cloth, after feeling used.
End of Act Two. (Time: 22:10)
Credits:
That night, in the kitchen, there are some muffins on a plate. Eddie
jumps up onto the side, knocks the muffin on to the floor and jumps
down so he can have his feast.
Legal Stuff
This episode capsule is copyright 1999 by Nick Hartley. This
episode summary remains property of Frasier, Copyright of Paramount
Productions and NBC. Printed without permission.
