Fortysomething Written by Sy Dukane and
Denise Moss
Directed by Rick Beren
=====================================================================
Production Code: 1.20.
Original Airdate on NBC: 31/03/94.
Transcript written on July 2000.
Transcript {john masson}
- Act One. -
Scene One: The Frasier Crane Show. Frasier is at his console.
Frasier: (on air) Hello Rachel. I'm listening.
Rachel: (v.o.) Oh, thanks for taking my call, Dr Crane. Umm, I'm involved
in sort of a strange love triangle.
Frasier: (off air, to Roz) Ohh goody, this is sweeps week. (on air)
Rachel: (v.o.) You see, I recently married a widower. Now, Phil's a real
good man, he's a kind man. But there's just one little problem.
He insists on keeping an urn with his late wife's ashes on the
dresser in our bedroom.
Frasier: That is a definite 'Yikes'.
Rachel: (v.o.) See, I knew that wasn't normal. He says it is, but I knew
it wasn't!
Frasier: All right, Rachel. Rachel, now listen, before you go off half
cocked, let's try to remember this is a very sensitive issue
for your husband. Obviously those ashes mean a very great deal
to him. And although I don't believe it's appropriate that he
keep them in the bedroom, I suppose you could maybe move them
to another room?
Rachel: (v.o.) Well, I guess I could try that. Maybe I'll move them into
the guest room. (sound of crockery breaking) Oops.
Frasier: Rachel, what happened?
Rachel: (v.o.) Ohh. Oh nothing. I gotta run, Dr Crane. I've got some
vaccuuming to do. (line goes dead)
Frasier: Well, as Rachel helps Phil's wife off the floor, we have reached
the end of our second hour. Now, we'll be right back after the
news, so please join me again, Frasier Crane and my invaluable
producer... ah.. (ohmygod, what's her name, it's, it's..)
Roz: ROZ!
Frasier: Roz. KACL Talk radio, 780 AM. (off air. He goes into Roz's area)
Roz, I'm so sorry. Your name was right there in front of me and
I just couldn't put my finger on it.
Roz: Oh forget about it. I already have.
Frasier: Well it's been happening to me a lot lately. Last night I walked
into the kitchen and I just stood there, I couldn't remember what
I'd gone in there for.
Roz: Don't make yourself crazy over it, it's completely normal. Oh,
by the way, you hair stylist called to confirm your appointment.
Frasier: I made an appointment with Timo, I don't remember that.
Roz: That's 'coz you didn't, I was just gaslighting you.
Frasier: That is not funny!
Roz: Oh, lighten up. Here, sign these. (hand him some forms) So aren't
you gonna say it, or are you going to make me wait 'til the end
of the day?
Frasier: Say what?
Roz: Happy birthday.
Frasier: It is not your birthday. (sees her stricken face) Oh God. Oh, God
it is. Oh, oh Roz, I'm so sorry! Let me take you out to lunch
after work, okay?
Roz: (laughing) You are so easy!
Frasier: That's it. I'm outta here! (exits into corridor)
Roz: Hey, wait wait wait. Aren't you forgetting something?
Frasier: No, I am not forgetting anything, thank you Roz. (walks away)
Roz: Okay. Well, can't blame a girl for trying. Five.. Four.. Three..
(Frasier rushes back to his console) Two....
Frasier: (on air) We're back.
The Short Blonde Man
With One Wet Shoe
Scene Two: Frasier's apartment. Martin and Niles are playing Canasta.
Eddie is worrying Niles's shoe.
Niles: Ten.
Martin: Fifteen-Two.
Niles: No. Dad, would you ask your dog to stop burrowing at my shoes?
I'll have you know I had to wait six months to have these shipped
for a little blind cobbler in Seville.
Martin: He won't stop until you scratch him behind the ear.
Niles: Oh, all right Eddie, all right. (wraps finger in handkechief,
scratches Eddie's ear. The dog runs off, contented) You know,
I'm beginning to this I have an affinity towards animals. (goes
to throw handkerchief away.)
Frasier enters from bedroom.
Frasier: Would either of you mind if I noodled at the piano for a bit?
Niles: Would it really stop you if we said 'Yes'?
Frasier: Point well taken. (sits at piano and starts to play, but loses
the tune at around the sixth bar.) That's strange. For the life
of me, I can't remember what the next note is. (tries again, but
stumbles at the same point) I know this piece backwards and
forwards.
Niles: Perhaps if you start at the end you'll have better luck.
Frasier tries again, but is still stuck.
Martin: Oh, come on Frasier. You know how it goes. It goes 'da dada da da,
da dada'...
Frasier: Oh, thank you dad. Now it's perfectly clear. (tries once more,
then gives up in disgust)
Martin: That was very nice, son. Now how about something from 'South
Pacific'?
Frasier: I'm sorry. Just getting fed up with this nonsense. I'm forgetting
names all the time, y'know last week, twice I forgot where I
parked my car.
Martin: Join the club, pal. You're getting older.
Frasier: Oh, well of course I'm getting older. We're all getting older.
But I'm not that old.
Niles: Oh, I'm afraid dad may have a point. I know you'd like to believe
we're still the same devilish sprigs we always were. Sitting on
mother's davenport in our tweeds and tans, listening to the Texaco
symphonic hour. The cold hearted reality is, you're middle aged.
Frasier: Niles, I'm forty-one. That's hardly middle aged. Middle age is
more like fifty, fifty-five.
Niles: Only if you live to be one hundred and ten.
Daphne enters from bedroom, putting on her coat.
Daphne: I'm all ready to go, Dr Crane.
Frasier: Niles, where are you two off to?
Niles: I'm giving Daphne a lift.
Daphne: I'm meeting some of me girlfriends for darts and a couple of pints.
Oh, it's best to do it in that order. Just ask blind Willie, the
bartender.
Frasier: Listen Daphne, before you go, I'd like to ask you a little question
here. When you look at me, ahmm, do you see me as a young man,
or as an older man?
Daphne: Oh no. No you don't. You're not getting me into that Vietnam.
I learned a long time ago there are three questions you never
answer honestly. 'How old do I look?', 'Do you like me hair?',
and 'Was it good for you too?'. (to Niles) Coming Dr Crane?...
Dr Crane?
Niles: I'm sorry, I was someplace else. (to Frasier) It was a warm and
friendly place. (he and Daphne leave)
Frasier: Big surprise, I got a headache. Let me get an asprin. The very
suggestion that I'm decending into old age just because I can't
remember a couple of names, or a tune on the piano. (takes medicine
bottle out of cupboard, but has trouble reading the label)
Martin: Your arm's not quite long enough for that, is it? Let me ask
you a few questions. Can you get through the night without getting
up to go to the john? Can you get in and out of a chair without
going 'Hmmmmh'? Can you eat a slice of pizza less than twelve
hours before you go to bed?
Frasier: What's on the pizza?
Martin: Aha. I thought so. Alright, well now we've established you're
middle aged, take some advise. Don't fight it, it'll go a lot
easier.
Frasier: Good lord dad, what are you suggesting? I'm gonna rush off to
a plastic surgeon to get an eye lift and a chin tuck? (examines
his face in a silver plate) Oh dear god!
Martin: (looking in family album)I'm just telling you, when guys get to
this stage they do some squirrely things that they never would
have done when they were younger.
Frasier: Dad, please spare me, I am a psychiatrist, I know the routine.
(notices the photograph Martin is pointing to) Good lord, who is
that?
Martin: That's me. In '74. Going through my own little stage. I'd dyed
my hair jet black and bought a leather jacket and a Harley Davidson.
Frasier: My God, dad. You look like one of the Village People.
Martin: Well, fortunately I came to my senses before you got back from
Harvard that summer.
Frasier: Are those love beads?
Martin: All right. That's enough. Just do me a favour, will ya? Keep your
guard up, and don't do something stupid, all right?
Frasier: Okay dad.
Martin: You may think it's tough being middle aged, but think about me.
I got a son who's middle aged. (exits to bedroom)
Frasier: (sitting on couch) Hahhhh.
Martin: (offstage) I heard that!
- End Of Act One. -
- Act Two. -
It's This Or An Alfa Romero
Scene One: Department store, gents casual. Frasier and Martin enter.
Martin: Say, didn't this used to be Pinski's department store?
Frasier: I have no idea.
Martin: Sure it was. we used to bring you kids here all the time. Man, it
was a great store. You could buy lingerie, a bag of popcorn and
transmission fluid, all under the same roof.
Frasier: Finally, something I'm glad I forgot.
Daphne enters.
Daphne: Well Mr Crane, I believe I came here on a mission.
Martin: Alright, but remember, I don't want anything fancy or that comes
in tubes. I want them white, I want them plain, and I want them
boxers.
Daphne: That's the exactly the kind of lack of imagination that sunk the
British Empire. (she goes off to look at underwear)
Martin: Hey Frasier. Check out these dress pants. They got elastic panels
in the waist. You could eat all you want, and never worry about
cutting off your circulation.
Frasier: Milan must be beside itself. What an innovative use of synthetic
fibres. I believe if you recyle these, you can turn them into
milk containers.
Martin: Are you gonna get them or not?
Frasier: You brought these over for me?!
Martin: The sand of time are shifting buddy. Mostly south. Listen, if
you don't want to go with elastic, maybe you could go with
suspenders. That way, if you keep your jacket closed, that little
gut of yours can hang down to here and nobodies any the wiser.
Frasier: I do not have a gut! I have.. contours.
A salesgirl (Carrie) comes over.
Carrie: Excuse me. I was wondering if anyone was helping you?
Martin: (seeing Daphne) Oh no. She's looking at something with stripes!
(goes over) Daphne! Daphne, get away from there!
Carrie: (to Frasier, indicating elasticated pants) You're not thinking
of getting those, are you?
Frasier: Oh, no.
Carrie: I have something much better over here. (gets another pair) What
do you think of these? They don't do much on the hanger but, they
could really work on a nice, tall guy like you.
Frasier: Oh, you really think so?
Carrie: Yeah. You've got a great build.
Frasier: Oh well. Thank you very much. Ah..
Carrie: Carrie.
Frasier: Ah. Carrie
Carrie: Let's see what we can get working here. Uhhm, (pick up sweater)
This is kind of a young look, but you could really pull it off.
Frasier: ..I don't really think it's me.
Carrie: Are you sure? I think this would look really good on you.
Frasier: Well, I supppose I could try it on, but y'know, just out of
curiosity, how old do you think I am?
Carrie: Oh, I don't wanna do that.
Frasier: No, no no, please go ahead.
Carrie: I don't know. umm...thirty-six?
Frasier: Are you serious?
Carrie: Oh God. I'm sorry. you're probably more like thirty-four. Now
you don't want to buy anything from me.
Frasier: Are those Armani shirts expensive?
Carrie: Yeah.
Frasier: I'll take two!
Carrie: Great! Changing room's right this way. Y'know, I love to guess
what my customers do by what they wear. Let me guess. You're
an architect, right?
Frasier: No, I'm a psychiatrist.
Carrie: Oh. I've taken some psychiatry courses. What are you? Freudian?
[Ryekian]?
Frasier: Well actually, lately I've been leaning more towards Jung. Guess
that's because I'm 'Jung at heart'. Gotta be the oldest joke in
the psychiatrist's joke book. Can't believe I said it. (goes into
changing booth)
Carrie: I can't believe I laughed at that.
Frasier: I bet you laugh at all of your customers jokes.
Carrie: No. Just the cute ones.
Frasier: ..Cute jokes or customers?
Carrie: You figure it out. (leaves)
Time lapse. Carrie points Martin to Frasier's changing booth.
He goes over.
Martin: Hey, you about ready?
Frasier: Oh, just a second, dad, I'm trying on a pair of pants. Hey, did
you notice that girl who came over and asked to help us earlier?
Martin: Sure I noticed her. I'm not dead.
Frasier: Well y'know, we just had a little conversation a minute ago and
uh, I could swear she was flirting with me.
Martin: (taking a good look at Carrie) Trust me son, she's on commision.
Frasier: Oh no, I know a sales pitch when I hear one, and that was no sales
pitch. She's definitely interested in me. Think I may have to
see where this may lead.
Martin: I know you're forgetting things lately, but don't you remember
the little talk we had last night?
Frasier: (realising) Oh dear. It sneaks right up on you, doesn't it? What
am I thinking about? A forty-one year old man going out with a
girl that's twenty-two, twenty-three?
Martin: Yeah. Young enough to be your daughter.
Frasier: Yes, thank you for pointing that out, dad.
Scene Two: KACL radio station.
Frasier: (on air) This is Dr Frasier Crane, KACL 780 talk radio, thanking
you for joining us today. Up next, Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe and the
'Gonzo Sports Show'. Until tomorrow, here's wishing you good mental
health. (off air)
Bulldog enters with his effects trolley.
Bulldog: Hey doc. Hear the great news? Ken Griffy Junior's groin pull is
completely healed.
Frasier: Thank goodness. I'm sure years from now we'll all remember where
we were the moment we heard the joyful news.
Carrie enters, carrying a suit bag.
Carrie: Excuse me, Dr Crane?
Frasier: Hi, Carrie.
Carrie: Hi. I have your pants.
Bulldog: Woah, doc! (honks horn) Where'd you leave them?
Frasier: They're new, Bulldog. Some of the finer department stores deliver
garments to their busier customers.
Carrie: Actually, we don't. I just thought it would be nice to see you
again.
Bulldog: (to Carrie) Excuse me. You look very familiar. Didn't I let you
pour a flaming tequilla shooter down my throat at Sloppy Nicks
during ah, last years Indie 500?
Carrie: Ahh, no.
Bulldog: Well, what are you doing next Memorial Day?
Frasier: Bulldog, as certain as I am that any young lady in the world
would love to set your face on fire, Carrie, I believe, is here
to see me.
Bulldog: Okay. Hey, you can't blame a dog for trying. (going into Roz's
booth) Just on the off chance it might make a difference, I ah,
drive a '94 Camero.
Carrie: Is he gay? Well, I've been studying about this in school, and
it seems like he's really over compensating.
Frasier: Yes, well. I'm not sure, but I certainly look forward to running
that theory by him. Well umm, thank you for the pants, Carrie,
and uh, do I owe you anything?
Carrie: Oh no. I really enjoyed meeting you yesterday, and it seemed
like we had a few laughs together and, maybe we could, you know,
go out and have a cup of coffee sometime?
Frasier: I'm very flattered that you'd like to go out with me, and uh,
jeez, I think you're a beautiful young woman..
Carrie: But?
Frasier: Well it's, it's our ages. I mean, how old are you?
Carrie: Twenty-two. How old are you?
Frasier: That's not polite. I just don't think it would be appropriate
for us to date.
Carrie: How about we just live together? I'm just trying to lighten an
uncomfortable moment.
Frasier: Right. Ha-ha. Well done.
Carrie: Well, I'm sorry. But if you change your mind you know where I am.
Enjoy your pants.
Frasier: Same to you.
Carrie leaves. Bulldog comes back.
Bulldog: I only got a second here, but.. (raps on Frasier's forehead, hard)
HELLO? ANYONE THERE? (Roz enters) She wanted to go out with you.
You didn't have to chase her. You didn't have to harrass her.
You didn't have to pay her! It was like, a miracle.
Frasier: She's too young.
Bulldog: (to Roz) Are you following any of this?
Frasier: I don't expect you to understand.
Bulldog: Great. 'Coz I don't. So you're not going out with her?
Frasier: No, I'm not.
Bulldog: Good. I'm going to see if I can catch up with her at the elevator.
Maybe she's never dated a former professional hockey player before.
Frasier: You never played hockey.
Bulldog: It's like we're from different planets! (exits)
Roz: Talk about pathetic.
Frasier: Yes, isn't he though?
Roz: I meant you.
Frasier: Me? What, are you saying I should go out with her?
Roz: Frasier, take it from me. It's hard enough to find somebody. So
when an opportunity like this comes along, you gotta grab it.
Frasier: Roz, what about the age thing?
Roz: Well, what about it?
Frasier: Oh, come on! You see an old man walking down the street arm in arm
with a beautiful young girl, what do you think?
Roz: I think he must be really rich. Then I try to make eye contact.
Stanley Barrister Must
Be Really, Really Rich
Scene Three: Cafe Nervosa. Niles joins Frasier.
Niles: There you are, Frasier. I'm so glad you called me.
Frasier: Well, thanks for coming, Niles.
Niles: Some of Maris's friends introduced me to the most delightful party
game last night. I can't wait to share it with you.
Frasier: Well Niles, I'd really like to talk..
Niles: No no. Shh. This first. It's a hoot. If you were stranded on a
desert island with one meal, one aria, and one bottle of wine,
what would they be?
Frasier: Niles, I really don't..
Niles: Frasier, please.
Frasier: Okay.. A big Mac, 'I'm your Venus', and Ripple.
Niles: ...If you're going to mock the game, then don't play.
Frasier: Gladly.
Niles: Are you still crabbed up about this middle aged business?
Frasier: No. No no no, I'm fine there. By the way, you were absolutely
right, Niles.
Niles: Ooh! I love to hear you say that.
Frasier: Yes. But I do have a problem. You see, the other day I was asked
out by a.. this twenty-two year old girl that I met in a mall.
Niles: That is alarming.
Frasier: Well, I turned her down.
Niles: No no, you were in a mall. Did anyone see you?
Frasier: Niles! No, I'm just wondering if I made the right decision. You
see, I would, I would love to go out with this girl. She's
fantastic. Just afraid of looking like some old fool chasing after
a young girl. Becoming a walking mid-life crisis cliche. Running
around like that buffoon Stanley Barrister.
Niles: Oh, Stanley Barrister. That is embarrassing isn't it?
Frasier: Oh is that not beyond the pale? I mean that girl. how old can she
be?
Niles: Twenty-one, if she's a day.
Frasier: I saw them, it was last Tuesday night, together.
Niles: Well, and I saw them together Wednesday morning.
Both: Eeughhhh!
Niles: That's disgusting.
Frasier: Well, this is what I'm afraid of. People will have the same
conversation about me.
Niles: Stanley Barrister is a sixty year old man who wears a toupee that
looks like something he pulled out of a shower drain. You are
forty-one, and obviously not wearing a toupee.
Frasier: Thank you, Niles. So you think it would be okay to go out with
this woman?
Niles: Doesn't matter what I think.
Frasier: Well it does to me. You're my brother, I value your opinion.
Niles: My opinion isn't relevant.
Frasier: Don't be coy, Niles. And will you please stop pursing your lips?
It makes you look like one of those old women they carve out of
dried apples.
Niles: Don't you see? What I think about you dating a younger woman is
immaterial. What we think about Stanley Barrister is immaterial.
The only thing that matters is what you think. Ask yourself. If
you went out with her, would you be doing it because you were
running away from your age, or because you think this has the
potential of becoming a meaningful relationship?
Frasier: I don't know.
Niles: Find out. And then to hell with what people think.
Frasier: Niles, you are absolutely right.
Niles: Oh! There it is again, I never tire of hearing that. Let the
tongues of the doubting Naybabs wag. If it feels right, make
yourself happy.
Frasier: Thank you, thank you. Oh, by the way Niles, if you were stranded
on a desert island, what would you choose as your favourite meal,
aria and wine?
Niles: The Kolobiakov salmon at Gui Savoy, Visa Datti from Tosca, and
the [Coutre Roune Chattau Neuve d'pop] '47
Frasier: You are SO predictable.
I Wonder If That Alfa Romero
Showroom Is Still Open?
Scene Four: The department store.
Frasier: Carrie, hi.
Carrie: Hi. I didn't expect to see you here.
Frasier: Well um, I could lie to you and tell you I came here to shop, but
actually I came here to see you.
Carrie: That's great. I've been thinking about you a lot.
Frasier: Well, I've been thinking a lot about you too, and I just wanted
to chat a little bit about why I thought we shouldn't go out.
Carrie: Okay.
Frasier: Well, you see, I thought I was going through a phase. Y'know,
well, a mid-life crisis to be frank, and ah, I was afraid if I
went out with you I would be trying to recapture my youth or some-
thing.
Carrie: Oh my God. I can't believe you're saying this. I was afraid that
I asked you out only because I was trying to work out some stuff
of my own. Y'know, some unresolved issues about my father or some-
thing.
Frasier: Oh no, no. Because I went back and forth, y'know? I felt like
a fool, and then I didn't..
Carrie: Me too. Back and forth.
Frasier: And then I thought maybe you just came along because, to fill
some sort of a need or something.
Carrie: Or, or maybe this could be something serious.
Frasier: Exactly. So. Well. All right, I asked myself a few tough questions..
Carrie: Me too.
Frasier: And well, I finally came to a decision.
Carrie: Me too. I think us going out would have been really stupid.
Frasier: (forced enthusiasm) Me too!
Carrie: It would have completely clouded things with my father, and you
and I would never have been on a very firm footing. But you knew
all that. You could have told me, but you just let me figure it
out for myself.
Frasier: Yes, I'm sort of like the Wizard of Oz.
Carrie: It's no wonder everybody listens to your radio show. You're so
smart.
Frasier: ...Actually I am full of crap. I had no idea that you might have
been grappling with some personal issues here. Some psychiatrist,
huh? The truth is I came down here to talk you into going out with
me. I guess it's still a pretty bad idea.
Carrie: You're being so honest with me. That is such an attractive quality
in a man. (she hugs him)
Frasier: ...Well, y'know, let's not go down that road again.
Carrie: Okay.
Frasier: See you around. (as he leaves, he punches a mannakin with great
force)
- End Of Act Two. -
Credits
Daphne is folding Martin's boring white laundry as Eddie watches.
With a flourish, she pulls a pair of striped boxers from a bag.
Legal Stuff
This episode capsule is copyright 2000 by Nick Hartley & John Masson.
This episode summary remains property of Frasier, Copyright
of Paramount Productions and NBC. Printed without permission.
