Give Him The Chair! Written by Anne Flett Giordano and
Chuck Ranberg
Directed by James Burrows
=====================================================================
Production Code: 1.19.
Original Airdate on NBC: 17th April 1994.
Transcript written on 27th June 2000.
Transcript {john masson}
Note: Any words in [ ] means I'm not sure what was said.
- Act One. -
Scene One: KACL radio station. Frasier is at his console.
Frasier: (on air) To start off the second hour, I would like to depart
from my usual format because I recently read a book that..
well, it truly just knocked my mental socks off. It's called
'The Menopausal Male', and its author, the distinguished psych-
iatric scholar Dr Helmut Bruger, has graciously agreed to join
us today from his offices at the University of Washington. Dr
Bruger, guten tag. I've been an admirer of yours for a long time.
Bruger: (v.o.) Thank you. I enjoy your show as well.
Frasier: Really?
Bruger: (v.o.) Yes. Though I do not in most cases agree with your analysis.
Frasier: Back to your book. Now, we're all very familiar with the changes
in the female menopause, but your research indicates...
Bruger: (v.o.) Excuse me, Dr Crane. May I say 'Hello' to Roz?
Frasier: Yes, of course.
Bruger: (v.o.) Hello, Roz.
Roz: Hello, Dr Bruger.
Frasier: Yes, your research indicates that the reproductive imperative
is re-awakened in later life, when the man is...
Bruger: (v.o.) You have a very sensuous voice.
Frasier: ...Thank you.
Bruger: (v.o.) Not you, Roz.
Frasier: Yes well, back to male menopause.
Bruger: (v.o.) Would you perhaps like to go to a movie something, maybe
grab a bite?
Roz: Well, that would be very.. (Frasier holds up the book so she can
see the photo on the dust jacket) No. No thank you, very much.
Frasier: Well, our time has just flown by. Thank you for joining us, Dr
Bruger and for so vividly proving your point.
Bruger: (v.o.) You will give Roz my number?
Frasier: Oh, I think Roz has your number!
Sitting Pretty
Scene Two: Frasier's apartment. The doorbell bing-bongs and Daphne answers.
It's Niles.
Daphne: Oh, hello Dr Crane.
Niles: Hello Daphne. I hope I haven't come at a bad time.
Daphne: Well, your brother isn't home from work yet, and your father's
out walking Eddie.
Niles: (entering) Oh darn the luck. I ah, I stopped by to drop this
off. (indicating jewellery case) A necklace I bought for Maris,
I was hoping to hide it here until her birthday.
Daphne: Well, I'm sure it'll be all right. Mind if I have a peek?
Niles: Not at all. (opens case and flips necklace to Daphne)
Daphne: My. Emeralds. Your practice must be doing awfully well. Who'd-
a-thought the mentally disturbed had this much money?
Niles: Would you like to try it on?
Daphne: Oh, I'd love to. If you don't think Mrs Crane would mind.
Niles: Oh, certainly not. Maris is the soul of generosity. Just last
week she donated all her old cocktail dresses to a homeless
shelter.
Daphne: Let me just get me hair out of the way.
As Niles attempts to close the catch, the necklace slips from
his fingers and drops down the front of Daphne's blouse.
Niles: Oh dear!
Daphne: OOH! Oh my. (puts hand down top and starts fishing for the
necklace) Do you see them?
Niles: Oh yes, thank you.
Frasier enters and takes in the scene.
Frasier: (deadpan) Hello, Niles. Whatever are you doing?
Niles: I, umm, bought an emerald necklace for Maris, and I needed some
place to hide it.
Frasier: Emerald? Well, may I see it?
Niles: Not at the moment, no.
Frasier: Why not?
Daphne: It's down me blouse.
Frasier: I see. Well I'm sure Maris will never think of looking for it
there.
Daphne: It slipped down there while I was trying it on. I'll just go
extract it. (goes to bedroom)
Niles: Call me butterfingers.
Frasier: Join a health club, Niles.
Martin and Eddie arrive.
Martin: Hey, guys.
Niles: Hey, dad.
Frasier: Hi, dad.
Martin: Hi, Niles. What brings you by?
Niles: Maris's birthday. I'm hiding her gift here.
Martin: Oh. It's getting that time again, huh? I guess I'm gonna have
to get her something. That's too bad, I just got back from the
hardware store. Saw a great looking ratchet set.
Frasier: As if there's anything left on her that needs tightening.
Martin brings out a roll of duct tape.
Frasier: Oh dad, no no, not more duct tape!
Martin: Yeah. (applying a length to The Chair) Gotta repair a little
split in the old throne here. You gotta catch these rips early,
or they look like hell.
Frasier: Y'know dad, instead of repairing this old relic all the time,
why don't we bring the Eemes down here?
Martin: Ahh no, that thing's too fancy for me, I just need a comfortable
place to park my fanny. (starts towards bedroom)
Frasier: (quietly) How about Florida?
Martin: I heard that. (leaves)
Frasier: God, you think of all the care I put into decorating my home,
only to have it mocked by this atrocity.
Niles: The bottom line is, it is your home. Why don't you just make him
get rid of it?
Frasier: Yes well, it's not just as simple as all that, I mean, one would
have to find the appropriate moment, I mean, dad does have his
feelings. One should consider those, and he has quite an attachment
to this little chair..
Niles: Afraid to stand up to him, aren't you?
Frasier: Ohh, like you're not.
Niles: Well, at least I don't have to live with something unattractive.
There is a pointed silence from Frasier.
Frasier: Oh Niles, Niles, I'm just having some fun with you. Actually,
I think Maris is rather attractive, in a minimalist sort of way.
Forget it, I'm just upset about the chair.
Niles: You know Frasier, there is a perfectly sound psychological basis
for getting rid of this chair.
Frasier: Oh really? Well, enlighten me, doctor.
Niles: With pleasure. Originally, dad needed it to bridge the transition
from his old apartment to life here with you, but as with all
transitional objects - be they a teddy bear, be they a thumb,
be they a blanky, be they a chair..
Frasier: Stop saying 'Be they'!
Niles: The point is, there comes a time when the healthy thing is to
put these security objects aside and reassert your independance.
Frasier: Yes of course. So what you're saying is, if I should, say, go
down to the store and buy dad a new chair, throw this one in
the trash heap, I wouldn't be doing it for me, I'd be doing it
for him.
Niles: Yes. And it would be a nice payback for the day he used your
blanky to clean his service revolver. (looks at watch) Oops,
I'm sorry, our time is up.
Good Vibrations
Scene Three: Furniture Store, Recliner Section. Frasier and Niles are
strangers in a strange land.
Niles: Dear God Frasier, we've stumbled upon Hell's waiting room.
Frasier: All right, this is not a moment for the faint of heart. We're
treading a thin line here, Niles. We've got to find something
that compliments my decor as well as fulfills dad's requirements.
(sees a particularly ghastly covering) Oh dear God. Can you
imagine anyone would have something like that in their living
room?
Niles: It looks as if someone upholstered it in golf pants.
Frasier: (to salesman) Excuse me, perhaps you could help us here.
Salesman: Yeah, perhaps.
Frasier: Well, we're looking for a chair.
Salesman: We got 'em.
Frasier: Wait, wait wait wait!
Niles: Ideally, we're looking for something with the presence of a [Mese
Vanderohe] and the playful ensouciance of an early [Le Corbousier]
Salesman: (pointing to chair at random) This one vibrates.
Frasier: Yes well, perhaps you could direct us to your recliners, preferably
one in suede.
Salesman: Peolpe seem to like this 'Lazyguy'.
Frasier: 'Lazyguy'. I wonder what they call the deluxe model? The 'Hopeless
Slack-Ass'?
Niles: Oh hey. What about this one over here? (points to leather recliner)
Frasier: You know I, I hate to admit it, but that would not look altogether
hideous in my living room.
Salesman: Have a seat. This one's got swedish massage.
Niles: Ha, no thank you.
Frasier: Go ahead, Niles. Try it out.
Salesman: I'll fire it up for ya.
Niles: (dusting chair before sitting) That won't be necessary. I like
to sit in my chair, I don't really like to vibrate very much,
so.. (the salesman switches it on) Whay, Ahh, Ooohh. (and other
excited noises)
Salesman: It also has shiatsu. (alters controls)
Niles: OHHH! I never knew a chair could be this satisfying.. I never
knew that anything could. I want it.
Frasier: Right, Niles. I'm sure it will fit right in with all of Maris's
18th century antiques.
Niles: Well then, I'll just rent it an apartment and visit it on the
side.
Salesman: So what do you think? Why don't you have a try yourself?
Frasier: Well I really don't think that's necessary, you see I'm buying
it for my father..
Niles: No no. You've got to sit in it.
Frasier: ..and who knows about other people's tastes..
Niles: You can't make a decision before you sit in it.
Frasier: ..something seems as if it's not quite right really (sits) I
just.. Woahhh. OH MOMMY!!
Scene Four: Frasier's apartment. Eddie is barking loudly.
Frasier: Eddie? What is the matter with him?
Daphne: He saw your father's chair was gone, and he's afraid that means
your father's gone too. I think he suspects foul play.
Frasier: (to Eddie) Oh, stop it! If I had put dad's feet into a bucket
of cement and thrown him into the Pugent Sounds, you would have
been the tiny little splash that followed him! (Eddie quietens
down. The doorbell bing bongs) Oh. that must be Leo. Wait'll you
see this. (he opens the door for Leo, a surfer type dude, who
has the new chair on a dolly) C'mon in.
Leo: Hi, Dr Crane, make way.
Frasier: All right, now just be careful Leo. Watch the furniture and the
walls.
Leo: Excuse me, I happen to be a professional. I take a lot of pride
in my work, and I would never.. (hits table, knocking over some
object d'art) Uhh. How'd that get there? Hey look, at least I
didn't lose my license this time, right?
Frasier: All right, all right. Quickly, quickly. I'm sure Beavis will
start to wonder where you are.
Leo clumsily drops the chair off the dolly
Daphne: Actually Leo, as long as you're here, we're having a problem
with a leaky faucet in the sink.
Leo: And where would that be?
Daphne: In the kitchen, dear.
Leo: Hey, that wasn't a dumb question, you have bathrooms too, don'tcha?
Daphne: None that you'll be going anywhere near. Leo exits to kitchen.
Regarding chair) Ohh, Dr Crane, it's lovely. Well, I thought the
other one was nice, but this is smashing.
Frasier: Well, try it out, try it out. And it has a little surprise. (plugs
it in as Daphne sits)
Daphne: This is comfy. Although it's a little on the soft side. (Frasier
switches it on) I prefer... Hello. Ahhh. Oooohh. This is enough
for me to give up me search for a meaningful relationship.
The front door starts to open.
Frasier: Oh, quick, that's dad. Get out, get out, get out. (pulls Daphne
out of chair)
Daphne: Oh all right. Just like a man. Now you've had your fun, you don't
care where I am!
Martin: (entering) Hey there.
Frasier: Hi, dad. I've ah, got a little surprise for you.
Martin: What's that?
Frasier: This is your new easy chair.
Martin: Well. What do you know about that? Where's my old chair?
Frasier: It's down in the storage space. C'mon, try this one out.
Martin: Oh look, I appreciate this Frasier, but that, it, it, it really
isn't me.
Frasier: Dad, dad, you haven't even sat in it yet. C'mon c'mon c'mon, go
Martin Crane.
Martin sits. Frasier turns it on.
Martin: That's disgusting! No, no look Frasier, I'm sorry, but I'm a
creature of habit and I think that I'd rather have my old chair
back.
Frasier: Well dad, but why? I mean this chair's a lot more comfortable
than the old one, and it's, it's therapeutic as well.
Martin: I know, it's, I just never cared for leather, y'know, you stick
to it in the hot weather, you can't sit in it in your shorts, it
makes my back sweat. Black's hot. I, I, I, I'm sorry, I just
couldn't get used to sitting in this chair.
Frasier: All right dad, fine. The important thing is that you lived with
it for a full fifteen seconds. Leo!
Daphne: Leo, we need you to bring Mr Crane's chair back in here.
Leo: (entering from kitchen) No can do, fish n'chips. Someone took it.
Martin: What!
Frasier: Are you saying someone broke into my storage space and stole my
fathers chair?
Leo: Storage space?
Frasier: Well, that's where I told you to put it, you did put it there,
didn't you?
Leo: Oh man. Not another day like last Tuesday.
Martin: Where's my chair, Leo?
Leo: I took it down to the dumpster, and someone snagged it. It was
pretty bitchin', y'know, I almost kept it myself.
Martin: (to Frasier) You threw my chair away! Ya happy now, it's gone!
Frasier: (escorting Leo out) Listen Leo, you have got to find that chair.
I don't care what you have to do, comb the entire building, search
the neighbourhood, just find my fathers chair!
Leo: 'Drop the chair', 'Get the chair', 'Find the chair', what am I,
the building lackey?
Frasier: YES!
Leo: Oh. Okay. (leaves)
Daphne: (softly caressing the chair) Well if no-one is going to want this,
we could put it in my room. (sees Frasier and Martin glaring at
one another) Maybe later. You two talk it over. (leaves)
Martin: Well, this couldn't have worked out any better for you, could
it? You've been trying to get rid of that chair from the day
I moved in here.
Frasier: Dad, you could at least show a little gratitude, I didn't do
this for me, I did this for you.
Martin: Like hell! (gets beer)
Frasier: You're acting like I lost the chair on purpose.
Martin: Hey. Let me tell you something. That chair was the only thing
that made me feel comfortable in this house. That made me feel
that maybe this was my home too.
Frasier: Oh, balony! Ever since you got here all I've tried to do is make
you comfortable, I don't even know why I bothered. I mean, every-
body knows Martin Crane doesn't like calfskin, he prefers Duct
tape! (sticks a length of tape onto chair) And food crumbs! (throws
bowl of nuts onto seat) There we are. (takes Martin's beer) And
let's have a little dribble of beer while we're at it. (pours
can over chair) Why not? There, that's delightful. Oh, and let's
not forget, to top it all off, just the slightest hint of dog
hair! (picks up Eddie and gently shakes him over chair)
Martin: I suppose you're going to be throwing Eddie out by the dumpster
next!
Frasier: Oh dad, I don't know why your carrying on this way. We are, after
all, talking about a twentyfive year old, broken down chair. If
you don't like this chair, I'll get you another one. Any chair
you want!
Martin: Really? Okay, I'll tell you what chair I want. I want the chair
I was sitting in when I watched Neil Armstrong take his first
step on the Moon. And when the US hockey team beat the Russians
in the '80 Olympics. I want the chair I was sitting in the night
you called me to tell me I had a grandson. I want the chair I
was in all those nights, when your mother used to wake me up with
a kiss after I'd fallen asleep in front of the television. Y'know
I still fall asleep in it. And every once in a while, when I wake
up, I still expect your mother to be there, ready to lead me off
to bed... Oh, never mind. It's only a chair. C'mon, Eddie. (exits)
- End Of Act One. -
- Act Two. -
Scene One: The radio station, Roz's booth. Frasier enters from corridor.
Roz: How was your weekend?
Frasier: Hellish.
Roz: Great. So let me tell you what happened to me. I had this most
incredible date, Saturday night. I was really hot. So Sunday,
I'm driving home..
Frasier: Sunday?
Roz: I told you, I was hot. So anyway, my car breaks down right in
front of this church, and all the people are just coming out
after the show..
Frasier: Service.
Roz: What?
Frasier: Churches don't have shows, they have services.
Roz: Can I finish my story?
Frasier: All right, all right.
Roz: Thank you. So, I walk up to the minister, is that all right?
Frasier: Mmhmm.
Roz: And I ask him if I can use his phone. And he tells me my sweater's
on inside out. One thing led to another and we have a date tonight.
Ministers aren't celibate, are they? Not that I don't love a
challenge.
Frasier: Y'know Roz, maybe you should take a sick day sometime, call into
the show yourself. (he settles into his chair, ready for the show)
Roz: You're on the air.
Frasier: (on air) Good afternoon, Seattle. This is Dr Frasier Crane. Now
before I take my first caller, I'd like to make a personal appeal.
Last Saturday, my fathers chair was taken from in front of the
Elliott Bay Towers, and it's a runny split-pea green and mud brown
striped recliner with the occasional spot of stuffing popping
out from underneath a strip of duct tape. And as incredible as
this may seem, I'm offering a handsome reward for its safe return.
Thank you. And now Roz, who's on line one?
Roz: It's John....(fade out)
Scene Two: Time Lapse.
Frasier: (on air).. So remember Stephanie, a little emotional flexability
is a good thing. Just as the mighty oak snaps and falls in a wind-
storm, so the weeping willow bends and lives to see another day.
Thank you for your call. So Roz, any update on the chair?
Roz: Oh yeah, the calls have been pouring in.
Frasier: Really? And what are they?
Roz: Well, so far it's been spotted at the top of the Space Needle,
in the Governors Mansion, and a man on Lake Stevens said he saw
it flying over his house, but thought it was just a spaceship
from a tacky planet.
Frasier: Funny stuff, people. Well, let's just go to commercial break
so you all can chuckle through these words from Yukon Lumber
(off air) Ingrates! (goes into Roz's area, where she is on the
phone) I dedicate my life to clearing away their psychic debris
and this is how they repay me.
Roz: (writing message) Uhhuh. Uuhuhh. I got it. he'll be there just
as soon as the show's over, thank you so much. (hangs up) Frasier,
I found the chair.
Frasier: Oh great. Oh thank God. By tonight my dad will be safely back
in his beer stained, flea infested, duct taped recliner. Adjusting
his shorts with one hand and cheering on Jean-Claude VanDamme
with the other. Yes, it's quite a little piece of heaven I've
carved out for myself, isn't it?
Best Seat In The House
Scene Three: A school stage, somewhere in Seattle. The Chair has pride
of place. All around children are rehearsing, or painting scenery.
A child dies on stage, rather noisily. A teacher (Ms Warren),
looks on. Frasier arrives.
Warren: Okay. Okay, that was nice. But let's just remember there's a
very fine line between good acting and hamming it up. Let's try
it again.
Frasier: Excuse me.
Child1: Ms Warren. I can't find my moustache.
Child2: I can't remember any of my lines, Ms Warren. Look, I'm really
nervous.
Child3: Me too.
Warren: Okay, people? People? Can I have you all over here for a second?
All stop what they're doing, and listen.
Frasier: Uh, Mrs Warren?
Warren: This isn't broadway, it's junior high. There's no reason at all
to be nervous. We're just going to go out there tonight in front
of family and friends and have some fun, okay? (the cast disperse,
relieved. To Frasier) One more thing goes wrong, I'm going to
have to take my own life.
Frasier: Well, if I could just have a word with you..
Warren: I'm sorry, in fortyfive minutes the curtain goes up on a very
shaky production of 'Ten Little Indians'.
Frasier: Ooh, 'Ten Little Indians', I thought I recognised the [maison
sange]. I did this play years ago. (quotes)
"On the contary, Major. Many a psychotic killer would
appear to be quite normal. You see, you can never suspect that
underneath that calm exterior there lies the heart of a maniac.
Aha ha".
Happens to be true, by the way.
Warren: Who are you?
Frasier: I'm Dr Frasier Crane... (she's obviously never heard of him) From
the radio.. KACL Talk, well never mind. Listen, someone told me
that my chair would be here, and sure enough here it is, so I'll
just get this out of your hair.
Warren: No, excuse me, but that doesn't go anywhere. (confidentially)
Right now, this chair is the most entertaining thing on stage.
Frasier: Well, I'm sure that's quite true, but you see..
There is a commotion backstage when someone hits their thumb
with a hammer.
Warren: Don't worry about it honey, just run along to the nurses office,
I'm sure you'll be fine. They'll have you back here in no time!
(to Frasier) I am so sick of being positive.
Frasier: Yes, but you see, you don't understand, this chair belongs to
my father and I must return it to him...
Warren: Sir? You can have your chair back in two weeks.
Frasier: Yes, you don't understand, I'm in a very difficult position here..
Warren: DIFFICULT? You want difficult? I have a set that's falling apart,
a leading man whose voice changed at precisely three o'clock
this afternoon, AND MY NAME IS SPELLED WRONG IN THE PROGRAMME!!
(to child, quietly) See what I did there, Pomeroy? That's the
kind of anger I need from you in the accusation scene.
Frasier: Listen, I'll give you two hundred dollars, you can get yourself
a new chair.
Warren: Forget it.
Frasier: Mrs, Mrs Warren I realise you are in an untenable position here,
but I am speaking to you now from the heart. You see, by putting
this chair into the trash, I have wounded my father. I realise
it's just a chair to you, but to him it is a treasure trove of
life memories that I have thoughtlessly discarded because I didn't
like the way it looked in my living room. I have sacrificed heart
and soul for form and function, believe me, I am terribly ashamed
of myself for that. This chair is the last, best chance to forge
any kind of meaningful relationship with the only father I'll
ever have!
Warren: (to children) People, were you all listening to that? Because
you can learn a lot from this man. That speech he just gave is
a perfect example of the kind of hammy overacting I don't want
to see out of ANY OF YOU FOR THIS ENTIRE RUN!
Frasier: Now just hold on for a minute!
He is interrupted by a kid, (Joey) coming on stage.
Joey: Mrs Warren.
Warren: What is it Joey?
Joey: Bobby McDuff just threw up backstage.
Warren: Perfect. My 'Dr Armstrong' has opening night jitters.
Joey: No, it's not jitters It's stomach flu. He's in the nurses office.
Frasier: Oh, well what else can you do? You'll have to cancel the perform-
ance. Too bad. (pulling Chair off of stage) I'll just take this
along with me.
Warren: I can't cancel, I have three hundred parents in their cars already.
Frasier: Well, I'm sure somehow the american theatre will survive. Can't
do the show without Dr Armstrong, he's too important to the plot.
I know, that's the part I played.
Warren: You played Dr Armstrong?
Frasier: Well, yes I... Oh, no no no no no, you're not thinking..
Warren: How badly do you want your chair?
Frasier: I'm sorry, it's out of the question!
Warren: You know, it would be a real shame if something.. (rips off a
piece of duct tape from The Chair, some stuffing gets pulled out
with it) ..oops - happened to this chair.
Frasier: But it's been years. I hardly can remember any of the lines.
Warren: (darkly) Then you'll fit right in!
Time Lapse. The cast are taking their bows to much applause. In
the middle of the line is Frasier, wearing a large false moustache.
Ms Warren presents him with a bouquet of roses.
- End Of Act Two. -
Credits
Frasier is trying to diguise The Chair with a throw rug. Martin
comes in, removes the rug and sits down. Eddie lies on the sofa,
leaving Frasier with no place to sit but the Eemes.
Legal Stuff
This episode capsule is copyright 2000 by Nick Hartley, John Masson.
This episode summary remains property of Frasier, Copyright
of Paramount Productions and NBC. Printed without permission.
