And The Whimper Is... Written by Sy Dukane &
Denise Moss
Directed by James Burrows
=====================================================================
Production Code: 01.18.
Original Airdate on NBC: 17/02/1994
Transcript written on 19/06/2000.
Transcript {john masson}
Act One, Scene A: KACL Radio Station. Frasier is doing his show.
Frasier: (on air) Just remember Angela, cosmetic surgery is only a
superficial solution. You can lift your eyelids, but it can't
lift that little cloud of pessimism that hovers over you. Thank
you for your call. So okay Roz, who's our next caller? (looks
over to find that Roz's booth is empty) Roz? Perhaps this would
be a good time to go to commercial break. We'll be right back
after these messages. (off air)
He goes into Roz's booth, looks into corridor, spots Roz coming
back and hides behind door. Roz comes running in, sits down and
realizes Frasier's not where he's supposed to be.
Roz: Frasier? (he tilts her seat back so she can see him) Woaah. Hi.
Frasier: A little disturbing, looking in the booth and seeing no-one there,
isn't it?
Roz: I'm sorry, but I was up in the newsroom, trying to find out if
they've announced the nominations for the CB's yet.
Frasier: Oh, I forgot. Are those coming out today?
Roz: You forgot? They're only the biggest award in Seattle radio!
Frasier: Well, I suppose it's the difference in our ages, but I don't
find myself getting excited about... well, much of anything
anymore.
Noel Shempski enters.
Noel: Congratulatons, guys.
Frasier: YES!! Yes! We got a nomination!
Roz: Who did you hear it from?
Noel: Oh, I haven't heard anything, I was just congratulating you on
doing a great show. If anyone deserves a nomination, you guys
do.
Frasier: ...Get out, Noel.
Noel: Okay, catch you later. (exits)
Frasier: Well I.. I guess I'm a little more excited than I let on. Well,
it'll be a big feather in my cap to win this, first year in radio
and all that? (goes into recording booth)
Roz: Are you kidding? I've been in this business for ten years, I've
never produced a show that got nominated for anything. (phone
rings, she answers) Hello?.. Oh hi, Millie.. You're kidding.
You're kidding! (Frasier comes racing back) Oh, you're kidding,
that's great! Thanks. Bye. (puts phone down)
Frasier: We got the nomination!
Roz: No, Millie MacGrochan is getting married!
Frasier: DAMN IT ROZ!
Scene B: Cafe Nervosa. Frasier and Niles are having coffee.
Niles: ... and then she said she'd been seeing someone else. She couldn't
keep living a lie. I was dumbfounded. I mean, what about every-
thing we'd gone through together, didn't that mean anything to
her?
Frasier: Niles. A patient has a right to change therapists.
Bebe Glaser, Frasier's unscrupulous agent walks in.
Bebe: Frasier. Thank God.
Frasier: Bebe. What are you doing here?
Bebe: What kind of agent would I be if I weren't the first to tell
you that you've been nominated for a 1994 CB!
Frasier: (jumps up) I WAS NOMINATED! I WAS NOMINATED! (notices everyone
in the room is looking at him, so sits down) Well I was.
Bebe: Yes. You, Frasier Crane MD, PhD, S.T.U.D. are the man of the
hour. (notices Niles) Bebe Glaser, Frasier's agent.
Niles: Dr Niles Crane, Frasier's brother.
Bebe: You're not a psychiatrist too?
Niles: Yes.
Bebe: Oh please! If I'm ever to have a breakdown, let me have it now!
(to Niles) Double double decaf, to go.
Frasier: So, this ahh, this is quite a surprise you know, actually I'd
ahh, forgotten that the nominations were coming out today.
Bebe: Oh, isn't he precious? You must be very proud of Frasier.
Niles: Well actually.. no. This nomination is just one more signpost
on the low road of celebrity which my brother has chosen for
himself.
Frasier: Well, that's not sibling rivalry rearing its viscous little green
snout?
Niles: Absolutely not. I'm still in the minority who still believes
that psychiatry is a noble profession that is tarnished by such
things as popularity contests, not to mention bouncy little radio
programmes.
Bebe: I bet you two had wicked little hairpulling fights when you were
tots.
Both Niles and Frasier touch their hair.
Niles: Yes, well. This has been delightful, but I really must run. I'm
due at my sexual addiction group, and I don't like to leave them
alone for too long. (he leaves as Roz enters)
Roz: Frasier?
Frasier: Roz!
Roz: Frasier, Frasier Frasier!
Frasier: Roz, Roz, Roz! (they hug and do a little dance)
Roz: We did it!
Frasier: I know! Come and sit down. You know, I've never really won
anything before. Although back in Prep school, the Existentialist
Club once named me "Most Likely To Be".
Roz: You want to hear the greatest part? I've already got a date for
the ceremony. Brad MacNamara.
Frasier: The Channel Eight reporter? 'Television's Most Handsome Man'.
Roz: Yes. Y'know, for months he wouldn't give me the time of day,
but one nomination and he knew who I was.
Bebe: Who are you?
Roz: I'm Roz Doyle. Frasier's producer.
Bebe: Oh, yes that's right, I've seen you bring him coffee. By the
way, would you mind getting mine?
Frasier: I'd better get myself on the ball here, I've got a lot to do.
Bebe: Oh, not really, darling. I've already got your tux, rented you
a limo and your tickets will be waiting for you at the door.
Frasier: Well. Seems the only thing you haven't taken care of is finding
me a date.
Bebe: Your subtlety floors me, I'd love to. I am thrilled, thrilled
thrilled for you both. I've got to run. Two of my other clients
weren't nominated and I have to tell them what a worthless award
this is.
Roz And Frasier
Hatch A Merry Plan
Scene C: Frasier's Apartment. He is opening a bottle of champagne. Martin
and Daphne are watching.
Frasier: Daphne, you may not be aware of this, but there is a special
secret to opening a bottle of champange, especially a fine French
champagne as umprepossessing as this one - 200 dollars a bottle.
In order to prevent spillage, one does not simply twist out the
cork. Instead, one holds the cork stationary, you see, and then
gives the bottle three easy turns. One, OH GOD! (the cork flys
out with a loud POP, champagne gushes everywhere) Oh no, get
some glasses! (Eddie starts licking the spillage from the table.
Frasier shoos him away) Eddie, get away from there you mangy
little cur! Oh Lord. Oh well, that wasn't too bad, I believe
we've salvaged most of it.
Martin: I'd say this calls for a toast. To my number one son. Congrat-
ulations on your first nomination for... well, anything. Frasier,
I'm proud of ya.
Frasier: Thanks, dad. Means a lot to me.
Daphne: Mmmh. Ohh, this champagne is delicious.
Frasier: Mmmh. It's quite exquisite, isn't it? Dad, what do you think?
Martin: (returning from kitchen with beer) I was in the mood for some-
thing domestic.
Daphne: Y'know, I must say Dr Crane, It's awfully nice that, although
I'm an employee here, you include me in all the family celeb-
rations.
Frasier: Well Daphne, there's never been any doubt that I, I think of
you as my equal in every way.
The doorbell rings. Frasier sits down while Daphne sips her
champagne. When it rings again, Frasier glares at her until she
moves.
Daphne: (sarcastically) Oh. I'll get it.
Frasier: Oh, would you?
Daphne: Would you like me to announce your visitor?
Frasier: Oh, just answer the door!
Daphne: (answering door) Ohh, hello Roz.
Roz: (entering) Daphne.
Martin: Roz!
Roz: Hey.
Daphne: Congratulations.
Roz: Oh, thanks. Y'know, I couldn't believe it myself. Brad MacNamara!
Frasier: Roz, I believe she was referring to your CB nomination?
Daphne: No, I meant Brad MacNamara. Oh, do you think he wears any pants
under that desk?
Roz: Not on my TV.
Frasier: Girls, can we just cut out the pyjama party, please?
Roz: (to Martin) Hello, Mr C.
Martin: Hey Roz, how's my girlfriend?
Roz: Well, (gives him a kiss) she's nominated.
Daphne: How about a glass of champagne? Apparently it's French and
unprepossessing.
Frasier: Oh Daphne, save your breath. It could come out of a box and Roz
would have a glass of it.
Daphne: Y'know, must say, I am so proud of you Roz, being recognized
in a male dominated industry. it's one more step forward for
working women. You're a credit to our gender.
Roz: Well, thank you Daphne. Oh, that reminds me, do you have a push
up bra I could borrow?
Daphne: I'll go and look. (exits)
Roz: Thanks. (to Frasier) I'm sorry to barge in like this,
but I had to show you this, Frasier. (retrieves a piece of
newspaper from her bag) I've a friend over at 'Broadcast Magazine'
who sent me a copy. It's a full page ad.
Frasier: (reading) 'Wendy Ashiro wishes to thank the members of the voting
committee for her nomination, and hopes they consider her for
the award'. This is nothing but shameless self promotion. It's
in very bad taste.
Roz: I know. What are we gonna put in our ad?
Martin: Wendy Ashiro's up against you for this award? Oh, I like her,
she's a cutie.
Frasier: You're not suggesting we put our own ad in this thing?
Roz: Frasier, we're falling behind. Mike Sanchez has already sent
out tapes of his show.
Martin: Mike Sanchez? Oh, I like him.
Roz: And who knows what Fletcher Gray's doing?
Martin: Fletcher Gray?
Frasier: THANK YOU DAD! (to Roz, about the ad) Well all right, I, just
as long as it's tasteful and understated.
Roz: Great. I'll call my friend, and have him work something up for
us.
Frasier: No, wait a minute, wait a minute, we really want to stand out,
why run another boring old ad? We should do something different,
something unique.
Roz: Hey, I heard last years winner threw a big cocktail party.
Frasier: Okay, okay we could do that, but we should do something else,
something to keep our names in their minds. You know what I mean?
Uh, I know. Personalised gifts, uh, from oh, the new Tiffany's
catalogue. (picks it up)
Roz: That's good. That's it.
Frasier: I saw the most incredible cigarette cases in here.
Roz: No no. No cigarette cases, it sends out a bad message.
Frasier: Oh, yeah.
Roz: Ooh, how about a silver flask?
Frasier: No, we've already got your vote, Roz.
Martin: Hold on a minute. Look, I may not know anything about show-
business, but when you start sending out gifts to people who
can do something for ya, that's called bribery.
Frasier: It's a simple 'Thank you' for a nomination.
Martin: Well, I'm glad to hear that. (takes catalogue) Because if I had
to give somebody a gift to get an award, it's not worth having.
Might as well just go on down to the trophy store and buy one
yourself. (throws catalogue on fire, then exits)
Frasier and Roz sit down dejectedly. Silence for a moment, then:-
Roz: I really want that award.
Frasier: Me too!
Roz: Get that catalogue!
They both make a dash for the fireplace.
End of Act One (Time:x:xx)
The Plot Thickens
Act Two, Scene A: The Seattle Broacast Awards, a black tie affair. Martin
and Frasier are standing by the door.
Martin: Well, you coming in or not?
Frasier: Dad, this is a big moment for me. I want to drink it in.
Martin: Me too. Where's the bar?
They enter, followed by a hobbling Daphne.
Daphne: Hey, not so fast. Me shoes are killing me. I hate these shoes,
I should never have let that sales girl talk me into getting
them.
Martin: They look real good on you though.
Daphne: (brightening up) You think so?
A man calls Frasier over.
Peterson: Dr Crane? Bob Peterson, voting committee. (they shake hands)
Frasier: Hi, Bob.
Peterson: Look, I just wanted to wish you good luck tonight.
Frasier: Thank you, thank you.
Peterson: Oh, and uh, thanks for the bathrobe.
Frasier: Oh, it's nothing, people get out of the shower, they're cold.
A woman comes over as Peterson leaves.
Woman: Dr Crane. Love the watch. (indicates her wristwatch)
Frasier: It's nothing really. It's a pretty good likeness of me though,
isn't it?
Daphne: Can we please sit down? I have got to sit down. (she sits at
the nearest table)
Frasier: Daphne, we're at table eight. This isn't our table.
Daphne: (ripping up the card with the table number on it) It is now.
Martin: (indicating distinguished man) Hey, isn't that Fletcher Gray?
Frasier: Oh yes, I believe it is.
Martin: Oh boy, you really got your work cut out for you here. Let me
tell ya, that guy's a class act. I been listening to him for
twenty years. Y'know, I don't usually do this, but I'm going
over to shake his hand. (leaves table as Roz enters)
Roz: Hey guys.
Frasier: Oh Roz. There's my fellow nominee.
Roz: Frasier, those gifts were such a great idea. Everybody's talking
about them.
Frasier: I know. Did you see the valet parking board? Half the keychains
there are ours!
Roz: Look Frasier, this is a very big night for me, so please, PLEASE
don't spoil it by making fun of who I brought.
Frasier: I thought you were bringing Brad MacNamara?
Roz: Well I was, but he got called out on a story at the last minute.
Some hospital went up in flames. Do you know anyone who has worse
luck than I do?
Roz's date enters. It's Noel.
Noel: Hi, Dr Crane. (gives Vulcan peace salute)
Frasier: Oh, hi Noel. (to Roz, quietly) Noel Shempski's your date?
Roz: Mmmhmmh.
Noel: (arrives at table and puts his arm around Roz) A tip Dr Crane?
If you're ever nominated again, there's a metered parking block
three blocks away. They don't check after six! (to Roz) Oh, here
are the car keys so you can drive us home. (to Frasier) I have
night blindness. (goes to table)
Roz: I wish I did.
Noel: (sits next to Daphne) Hi. I'm Noel.
Daphne: Nice to meet you. Can you rub me feet?
Frasier: Daphne!
Niles arrives.
Niles: Good evening, everybody.
Frasier: Oh, hi Niles. Listen, thank you so much for coming, I know how
you feel about this award, and about coming downtown after dark.
Niles: Don't be silly. You're my brother and I wouldn't miss a gala
affair like this. Hello Daphne.
Daphne: Can you rub me feet?
Niles: Yes.
Frasier: (stopping him) Niles. So, where's Maris?
Niles: Well, we were just getting ready to leave the house, when Maris
got a glimpse of herself in the hall mirror..
Frasier: Niles, at the end of this story, will I roll my eyes?
Niles: I did.
Frasier: Well then, just skip it. Listen, get me a scotch, will ya?
Martin: (returning) That Fletcher Gray, he's aces. Would you believe
he remembered me from 1968?
Frasier: No!
Martin: Yeah, I was working on a murder case he was covering. He just
looked at me and said "Hey, you're the guy who found the head."
He's been nominated for this award eleven times and he's never
won it.
Frasier: Really? Jeez, I didn't know that.
Daphne: Well, I'm afraid he's just going to have to lose again, right
Dr Crane?
Martin: Well, if he does you can always cheer him up by sending him
something nice from your little gift shop.
Fletcher Gray comes over to the table.
Fletcher: Dr Crane?
Frasier: Fletcher Gray.
Fletcher: Been meaning to come over and wish you luck. Even though I don't
think you need it.
Frasier: Well, that's very kind. I, I hardly think I have a chance against
you tonight.
Fletcher: Well y'know, I hope you're right? I'd really love to win it
this time. Eleven losses in a row, it's starting to get a little
embarressing.
Frasier: Oh, don't be silly. You'd have to lose fifteen, sixteen times
before you'd feel the least bit ashamed.
Fletcher: Would you believe I even considered campaining for it this year?
You know, sending out gifts, throwing one on those parties. Bet
you'd have something to say on your radio programme about someone
who's THAT self absorbed.
Martin: I bet he could do a whole hour on it.
Fletcher's Mom comes over.
Mom: Fletcher dear, they're starting to serve the salads.
Fletcher: Oh Mom. I'm sixty years old, and I'm still her little boy. Dr
Crane, I'd like you to meet my mother, Hannah.
Frasier: What a pleasure Hannah. Nice to meet you.
Fletcher: Mom just flew in from Scotsdale.. This is her eleventh year.
Mom: I hope he wins it this time. It's getting harder and harder to
get on that plane.
Fletcher: Mom, why don't you go back to the table before your legs swell
up? I'll get you another pink lady. No, no mom, over there.
They go back to their table as Bebe arrives.
Bebe: Sorry. I've been detained, dear.
Frasier: Oh hi, Bebe.
Bebe: Civilisation will not advance one iota until they start putting
more toilets in the ladies room.
Niles returns with Frasier's scotch.
Frasier: Oh, thank you Niles.
Bebe: (to Niles) Some champagne.
Noel: Ah, a diet root beer?
Niles leaves to get the drinks.
Bebe: I have to tell you that the buzz in line was that all those
lovely gifts you've been sending have really paid off. It looks
like you're in a neck and neck race with Fletcher Gray, that
wrinkled old war.. (notices Martin) ..rt. Hello, Mr Crane. You're
even more handsome than the last time I saw you. If I were twenty
years older they couldn't keep me away from you.
Martin: That's why I keep this cane.
The ceremony begins.
MC: Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Would everybody please take
their seats? I'm Keith Bishop, and I'd like to welcome you the
fifteenth annual CB awards. Assisting me tonight in handing out
the awards is Miss CB 1994, Tawny Van Deusen.
As the MC carries on with the ceremony, Frasier talks to Roz.
Frasier: Listen Roz, I'm starting to feel uncomfortable about all the
campaining we did. Did you know Fletcher Gray has been nominated
eleven times and never won? He didn't lift a finger to win this
thing.
Roz: Frasier, don't worry about him. Besides, he can win it next
year.
MC: Before we start this evenings programme, I'd like to take this
moment to make a very sad announcement. I just found out moments
ago that the dean of Seattle radio, my mentor Fletcher Gray, will
be retiring this year.
All: Awhhhh.
MC: Take a bow, Fletcher. (he does so, to the applause of the audience)
Well, we're gonna start things off with a bang. The award for
'Outstanding Achievment For Imformational Programming in Radio'.
Roz: That's us, that's us!
MC: Whoops. Can't see a thing without my glasses.
Frasier: You know, Fletcher Gray really deserves this award. If we win,
can't we just not accept it?
Roz: (grabbing him by the shirt) Listen Frasier! I have waited ten
years to get this award and if I have to crawl over Fletcher
Gray's mother to get it, I'll DO IT!
Frasier: Roz, I.. I've never seen you like this before.
Roz: It isn't pretty, is it?
MC: The nominations -
'Community Forum'
Wendy Ashiro talent
Mike Freedman producer
'Consumer Update'
Mike Sanchez talent
TJ 'Chester' Nouevo, producer
'The Frasier Crane Show'
Dr Frasier Crane talent
Roz Doyle producer
'Fletcher Gray: From Where I Sit'
Fletcher Gray talent
Fletcher Gray producer
(there is a huge round of applause) And the envelope, please?
Frasier: If we win this thing, they're gonna lynch us!
Roz: So what? At least everyone will see my dress.
MC: Well. This is a first. It seems we have a tie.
Frasier: Good. We can share it with Fletcher.
Roz: I don't want to share it! I'm already sharing it with you!
MC: And the winners are: Wendy Ashiro and Mike Sanchez.
Frasier: What??
Roz: What!!
Mom: What?
The Thrilling Denoument
Scene B: Time Lapse. The staff are cleaning up. Roz and Frasier are still
drowning their sorrows.
Martin: Well, the party's over. Are you coming home?
Frasier: No, dad.
Martin: Then I'll guess we'll just go on without ya.
Frasier: Fine with me.
Martin: Listen Frasier. I don't agree with the way you went about it,
but I'm still sorry that you lost. It's never easy to lose.
Frasier: Thanks, dad.
Martin: Of course, if you were to have joined some organised sports when
you were a kid, when the lessons of winning and losing could have
been learned at an early age, you might have..
Frasier: DAD!
Martin: All right. Sorry. Wrong time. We'll talk about it tomorrow, over
breakfast. Okay, Daphne. Let's get you home, and soak your feet in
some hot Epsom Salts.
Daphne: Oh, I have the life of a princess. (they leave)
Noel: Don't feel bad, Roz. it's an honour just to get a nominaton.
Roz: Will you stop saying that?
Noel: Okay. I'm leaving.
Roz: Oh Noel, I'm sorry, I'm just despondant. (he waits, expectantly)
..No no, go ahead. (waves him away.)
Frasier: ROZ!
Roz: Noel? Noel? I'm sorry. Thank you. I'll see you at work, on Monday?
He shows her the thumbs up sign and leaves. Fletcher comes over.
Fletcher: How you guys doing?
Roz: Well I've been better.
Niles enters, hands Fletcher a drink, then leaves.
Fletcher: You know, when you feel this sting of losing, you have to realise
that it all boils down to the fact that it's not about awards.
It's not about accolades. It's about a body of work. If you can
look at yourself in a mirror and say you've done a good job, that's
all that matters. If you can do that, let the awards fall where
they may. (leaves)
Frasier: Wow. All those nominations, nothing to show for it, he still walks
out of here with his head held high and a smile on his face.
Roz: (bursting into tears) I'm never going to get nominated for a CB
again!
Frasier: Oh, come on Roz.
Roz: I mean it, I'm not!
Frasier: Oh, no.
Roz: The world is full of winners and losers, and I'm just a loser!
Frasier: Aww, I wouldn't be with you if you were a loser. C'mon, we're
a team. Look, before we're done, we're gonna win lots of these
things. You and I are amigos, compadres. Okay? Now listen, I am
not gonna leave your side until I see a little smile on that face.
Tawny: (Miss CB '94) Dr Crane? I really love your show and I was just
wondering, would you like to have a drink with me?
Frasier: (to Roz) Do I see the beginning of a little smile?
Roz: Oh, go ahead.
Frasier: Thanks, Roz. (gets up. To Tawny, while leaving) So, it's a very
ineresting name you have.
Tawny: You mean Miss CB?
Frasier: Well actually, I er... yeah.
End of Act Two (Time: xx:xx)
Credits:
Roz and Fletcher's Mom are having a drink together. When Roz
has another crying jag, Mom takes the opportunity to steal her
drink.
Legal Stuff
This episode capsule is copyright 2000 by Nick Hartley & John Masson.
This episode summary remains property of Frasier, Copyright
of Paramount Productions and NBC. Printed without permission.
