You Can't Tell A Crook By His Cover Written by David Lloyd
Directed by Andy Ackerman
=====================================================================
Production Code: 1.15.
Original Airdate on NBC: 27th January 1994
Transcript written on 5th June 2000.
Transcript {john masson}
Act One, Scene A: KACL corridor. Frasier is showing Martin round his workplace.
Frasier: Okay, dad. Now, you've seen the executive offices, the advertising
offices and the lunchroom. And we now finally come to the sanctum
sanctorum. My studio. (points to his picture on the wall) You might
recognise that handsome rogue over there.
Martin: Wow. You're head photographs even bigger than it is.
Frasier: Very droll. Get in. (opens door and enters recording studio) This
is what we in the radio game call "The Booth". It is here that
I sit, day after day, and dispense the advice that helps the
emotionally distraught through their troubled lives.
Martin: (checking window) Do you suppose this stuff's bulletproof?
Frasier: Dad y'know, you could have gone home after lunch, I just brought
you here becaue I thought you'd enjoy it. (Martin goes to press
a button) NOW DON'T TOUCH THAT! It's a very sophisticated piece
of electronic equipment!
Martin: What is it?
Frasier: I have no idea, Roz told me never to touch it! You see dad, the
usual procedure begins with...
Martin: (into mic) Testing! Testing!
Frasier: Dad.
Martin: Testing.
Frasier: Dad, dad, Look let's just go into Roz's booth, okay? You can touch
anything you want to in there.
They go into Roz's area just as she comes in.
Roz: Hey, Frasier.
Frasier: Oh, hello Roz.
Roz: Hi, Mr Crane.
Martin: Hi.
Roz: What brings you here?
Frasier: Well, I'm just showing dad around, then he's gonna sit and listen
to the show.
Martin: Yeah, it's kinda like payback for when Frasier and Niles were kids.
I used to take them to the police station and show them where I
worked.
Frasier: Yes, he made a big game of locking us in one of the cells and
pretending to lose the key.
Martin: I was just joking with them, I knew they weren't scared.
Frasier: Well no, we weren't really scared, although after a while, we did
become quite hungry.
Roz: Hey Frasier, could you lend me ten bucks?
Frasier: Did you leave your wallet home, or something?
Roz: No, I gave the last of my money to this poor guy down in front
of the building. He's an Australian tourist, he lost his wallet
and he just needed ten dollars...
Martin: So he could take a cab to the Australian Consulate before it closes?
Roz: Yeah. How'd you know?
Martin: There is no Australian Consulate in Seattle.
Roz: Ooh. That poor guy!
Frasier: Roz. It's a scam. He scammed you.
Roz: No. This guy was for real. Honest. He even said...
Martin: "If you give me your address, I'll send you the money back with
interest".
Roz: (finally realising) God. I'm an idiot.
Martin: No, Don't feel bad. These guys are professionals. (presses the
fast forward button on a reel to reel recorder)
Roz: (coming to rescue) DON'T TOUCH THAT!
Martin: What is this place, a radio station or a nuclear missle site? Now,
listen Roz, don't feel bad. I was a cop for thirty years, and they
could still fake me out once in a while. These guys are professionals,
they know what to do.
Frasier: Especially if you're an easy mark like Roz.
Martin: Hey. The criminal mind is more complex than you think. They can
fool you.
Frasier: Oh by all means dad, lecture me on the complexities of the human
mind. Are you forgetting that I graduated with honours from Harvard
in Psychosocial Behaviourism?
Martin: I know, I was at your graduation. Impressive bunch. A car backfired
and half of them wet their gowns.
Frasier: It sounded louder on the dias! All I'm trying to say is, if it
were me on the street, I wouldn't have been fooled.
Martin: Oh, you think because of your book smarts, that you can spot a
crook, just like that, huh?
Frasier: Well if I can't, I'm in the wrong business.
Martin: You want to put your money where your mouth is?
Frasier: What do you mean?
Martin: Well, I've got three people coming over for poker tonight. Two
of them are cops, the third one's done time in jail. I'll bet you
five bucks you can't tell which one's the ex-con.
Roz: Hey, can I get in on the action?
Frasier: Of course you can.
Roz: Great. Ten bucks on your dad.
Frasier: Oh, you're just itching to give your money away today, aren't you?
All right, you're both on. But I think you're underestimating me.
'What troubles are to pigs, so are the charlatans and pettyfoggers
to my mental accuity'. (goes into his booth)
Martin: We didn't know better back then. His mother smoked during pregnancy.
Pick A Con, Any Con
Scene B: Frasier's residence. Frasier is lighting the fire while Martin
sets up the poker table. Daphne enters.
Daphne: So, who are these people coming over tonight?
Frasier: Ohh, just some of dad's old friends from the precinct.
Daphne: Yeah well, if we're having company, someone should have been cleaned
up. Because someone hasn't been smelling so fresh lately. Because
someone is long overdue for a tub.
Martin: Hey, I took a shower this morning.
Daphne: You know I was talking about Eddie. He's long overdue for a...
Martin: HEY DON'T! Don't say that word.
Daphne: What word?
Martin: B. A. T. H. (Eddie rushes off)
Frasier: When he yawns it smells like swamp gas, but his spelling's improving.
The doorbell bing-bongs. Frasier goes to answer it.
Daphne: I've made meatball sandwiches, pepperoni pizzas and uh, little
sausage rolls. Will you be needing anything else?
Frasier: The number of the nearest gastrointerologist. (opens door)
Martin: Hey guys, come on in. (the three enter, saying hi) This is my poker
pals, this is Linda, Frank and Jimmy.
Frasier: (shaking hands) Linda, Frank, Jimmy.
Martin: This is my son, Frasier. Throw your coats on the couch. (Frasier
scrutinizes them) Kinda hard to tell, isn't it? They all look like
they did time.
Frasier: Well, my dad tells me he's filled you in on our little bet. Now
the ground rules for tonight are that I'm not allowed to ask you
any questions directly about your line of work, but whatever questions
I do ask, you must answer truthfully.
Frank: All I wanna do is play cards.
Jimmy: Great place you've got here, Martin.
Martin: Ah, thanks.
Frasier: Actually, it's mine.
Jimmy: Boy, you must do pretty well on that radio show of yours. What
is this place, about two thousand square feet?
Frasier: About.. Hmm. That's interesting, you noticed the space. Most people
mention the view and the high ceilings, but you, you mentioned
the space. It's almost as if you'd spent some time living in a
cramped, confining, tight area.
Frank: So you've been to Jimmy's apartment, huh?
Daphne: (comes in from the kitchen with a tray of beers) Hello there.
Martin: Oh hi Daphne, this is Daphne Moon, these are my friends, Linda,
Frank, Jimmy.
Frank: Very pretty name. Do people call you daffy for short?
Daphne: Not twice. Well, it's nice to meet all of you. Here you go, I've
got beers for everyone.
Frank: Still drinking the Balentines, I see.
Linda: Yeah, when you kick off, that company's going down the tubes.
Daphne: Oh yeah. Many's the time I come home to see cans of them, lined
up one after another on the coffee table, like little tin soldiers
they are...
Martin: Yeah, thanks a lot Daphne. Don't you have a dog to wash?
Daphne: Well I suppose I do. Of course, I have to catch the little bugger
first. Ohh, (taking can of beer) maybe one of these would help.
Jimmy: Hey, beer's not good for dogs.
Daphne: No, but it's super for me. (exits)
Jimmy: Marty, she's pretty nice.
Linda: Yeah, and sexy too, you dirty old man!
Martin: Ohh...
Frasier: Interesting.. You find her attractive, do you?
Linda: Sure, don't you?
Frasier: Yes, but I mean, attraction to one's own sex is a not uncommon
result of long enforced periods of time spent exclusively in their
company.
Martin: Wow, Frasier. I may have underestimated you.
Frasier: Really?
Martin: Yeah, you're making a bigger jackass of yourself than I thought.
Jimmy: (starting game) High card deals.
Frasier: Y'know, we could really use some music. Anybody play the harmonica?
Frank: All right, my deal. Dollar in to start, five card draw, jacks or
better to open and the three raise maximum.
Martin: Sure you don't want to play, Frase?
Frasier: Oh, no no no no no, I'll just take this time to observe the tri-
umbarate. I believe in my considerable education, my years of study
and not to mention, well.. alright let's say it, my God given gift
to intuit.
Frank: This is the kid who used to get his head flushed in the toilet,
right?
Time Lapse. Frasier is still studying the poker players.
Frank: Okay. I call. Whaddya got?
Linda: Full boat. Aces up.
Frank: Damnit! That's another one. I'm losing my shirt here.
Daphne: Would somebody mind giving me a hand with the coffee?
Jimmy: Yeah. I'll give you a hand.
Daphne: Come along then.
The poker group takes a break.
Jimmy: I really like your accent. Where are you from?
Daphne: Manchester.
Jimmy: Manchester. That's where the Beatles are from, right?
Daphne: Oh, no no. You're thinking Liverpool.
Jimmy: Then who's from Manchester?
Daphne: No-one. That's why I live here now.(she and Jimmy exit to the
kitchen)
Martin: (to Frasier) You've been awfully quiet there.
Frasier: I'm sorry, dad. Just been observing.
Martin: No no, don't apologise, it was a compliment.
Frasier: Frank's an interesting study, isn't he? Temper, loner, a bit unsocial.
Almost a stereotypical portrait of a man who's spent his entire
life behind bars.
Frank: (examining one of Frasier's object d'art) This dish a Lilique or
a Stubend?
Martin: They had no spots open in the prison laundry, he worked in fine
china and glassware.
Time Lapse. The poker group are settling their debts.
Frank: (to Linda) Here you go, big winner. Buy yourself something pretty
and frilly.
Linda: Sorry Frank, I can't hear you. I've got your money stuck in my
ears.
Martin: Well, I guess there's only one thing left. How about it Frase?
You figgered it out yet?
Frasier: Actually, I believe I have. Shall we step into the drawing room?
Please have a seat.
Martin: Okay, Sherlock. You've got centre stage.
Frasier: I have sketched an accurate psychological profile of each one of
you. And in so doing I have come to the incontrovertable conclusion
that the criminal among us can only be.. FRANK!
Martin: Wrong. Frank's a highly decorated undercover cop.
Frasier: Exactly! Just a little too obvious, you know. The broken vocabulary,
the jailhouse pallour, the underdeveloped social skills..
Frank: Hey.
Frasier: (to Martin) So, you tried to use psychology against me, did you?
Threw a gender bender at me. Thinking I'd just assume that a felon
would naturally be a man. Well, I'm on to your little game, mister.
The criminal among us is indeed, the very wily Linda!
Linda: Nope.
Frasier: JIMMY!
Martin: Hey. You're right.
Frasier: Damn it.. You seem like such a nice guy.
Jimmy: I am a nice guy.
Martin: He was voted most congenial in his cellblock.
Jimmy: Sorry, doc. I'm afraid you owe your old man five bucks.
Frasier: Yeah, I'm afraid I do. (searches in his pockets for his wallet)
Jimmy: Oh. (giving Frasier his wallet back) You'll probably use this.
Linda: Well, it's been a lot of laughs, but it's getting late. We better
get going.
Frank: Yeah, you're right. Thanks a lot, Marty.
Martin: Oh, yes. Great.
Frasier: It's been very pleasant. You'll all come again, any time you like.
(to Jimmy) Hopefully when we're here, of course.
Frank: Goodnight, Marty,
Martin: See ya.
Jimmy: Thanks again, Marty.
Martin: Yeah, yeah.
The poker gang leave.
Frasier: Jimmy. Boy. Who woulda thought. How do you even know that guy,
dad?
Martin: Ahh, he was a jailhouse snitch, he helped us out a couple of
times. Right, he's great company, but I wouldn't trust him for a
second if he wasn't surrounded by cops.
Daphne: (who's came in to clear table) Who's a jailhouse snitch?
Martin: Jimmy.
Daphne: Jimmy's an ex-con?
Frasier: (handing over five dollars) Well, you certainly made your point.
I feel stupid as hell.
Daphne: I feel rather a fool meself.
Martin: Why would you care, one way or another?
Daphne: Because.. I've agreed to go out with Jimmy tomorrow night.
Martin: You did what?!
Daphne: He asked me if I'd like to go out for drinks with him to a place
called the 'Topaz Room'. Meet some of his friends, it sounded
harmless enough.
Martin: Well it's out of the question! You're gonna have to call him and
cancel!
Daphne: But you said yourself he was fun to spend time with.
Martin: I said DO time with. No no. You just can't go. Case closed. That's
all there is to it.
Frasier: Dad, excuse me, if I can interrupt that self rightous policeman
mentality for a second, don't you believe in second chances?
Martin: I did, then we had Niles.
Frasier: Well, I believe that when a man has paid his debt to society he
deserves a fresh start. I see no harm in her going out with him
once.
Martin: Well I do. She's not going.
Frasier: I say she is.
They argue for a few moments, until -
Daphne: Excuse me? Gentlemen? But might I interject one tiny little thought
into this conversation?
Frasier: Of course, Daphne.
Daphne: BELT UP! BOTH OF YOU! It may have escaped your notice, but I happen
to be a grown woman, and nobody has told me whom I might or might
not date since I was a schoolgirl. And I didn't listen then. Now,
when I've quite made up my mind about what I plan to do about Jimmy,
I'll let you know. But right now, I'm going to my room. You two
hens have wasted enough of my time. (she exits left)
Frasier: That would have been a very dramatic exit, if only her room was
down that hall.
Daphne walks in and through to her bedroom.
Martin: I still don't think she should be going out with that guy.
Frasier: Oh, don't worry, she won't.
Martin: How do you know?
Frasier: Well, because she has too much respect for your opinion. She won't
go against your wishes if I'm any judge of character.
Martin: Oh dear God.
End of Act One (Time:x:xx)
Act Two, Scene A: Cafe Nervosa. Frasier and Niles are ordering.
Niles: (to waiter) I'll have a decaf latte, and please be sure to use
skimmed milk.
Frasier: I'll have the same.
Waiter: Got it. (to kitchen) Two Gutless Wonders!
Niles: Thank you. (to Frasier) Certainly playing fast and loose with his
tips for a man who drives a van. Oh, oh oh oh, Frasier. How was
your encounter with dad's poker buddies last night?
Frasier: Ahh.
Niles: I must tell you - The picture of you trying to make conversation
with dad's blue collar cronies all evening is pricless. When I
told Maris about it, it was all she could do to keep her eyes from
dancing.
Frasier: Actually, it was really rather interesting. Y'know, one of them
actually did time in prison for fraud?
Niles: Good lord! What was he like?
Frasier: Actually he was quite personable. You know dad, he's so judgemental.
Niles: He is, and I've often condemned him for it.
Frasier: For some reason y'know, just because the man was in prison he seems
to have marked him for life.
Niles: It's ridiculous. Not all criminals are recidivists. I've seen many
cases where after they've paid their debt to society they've gone
on to lead productive lives. Dad's just being narrow minded.
Frasier: Hmm. Yes, I almost had to sedate him when Daphne announced that
was going to go out with him.
Niles: (gasps....twice) Frasier, I hope you're just yanking my giggle
chain.
Frasier: What do you mean?
Niles: You're telling me that you're letting this English rose be sullied
by this sociopath?
Frasier: Niles, he passed bedchecks, he's not a sociopath.
Niles: He's a degnerate who should be put away forever!
Frasier: You haven't even met him.
Niles: Oh for God's sake, they're all depraved animals!
Waiter: (bringing over coffee)Here's your coffee. Anything else?
Niles: Yes, the check please, and quickly. Frasier, we've got to rescue
her!
Frasier: Oh Niles, Niles, just sit down and relax, for God's sakes. You're
being irrational.
Niles: Don't you DARE call me irrational! You know that makes me crazy!
Frasier: Now Niles. Listen, I think Jimmy's a perfectly nice guy. And besides,
Daphne can take care of herself.
Niles: I don't care, I'm going after her. I'm not without resources. My
Thai-Kuan-Do instructor tells me I'm two moves away from being
quite threatening.
Frasier: Niles, just listen to me for a second. You know perfectly well
that she'll resent any interference. Now, you want to make a fool
of yourself, go right ahead, but don't ask me to join you.
Niles: That's fine. Just tell me where they went.
Frasier: Someplace called the uh, the Topaz Room.
Waiter: (who's brought the check) The Topaz Room? I thought the cops shut
that place down after the last shooting?
Frasier: I'll drive! (they exit, forcefully)
Oddball In The Corner Pocket
Scene B: The Topaz Room, a gritty bar. Daphne is playing pool with the
regulars. Her opponent (Leo) plays and misses the 8 ball.
Leo: Your shot, girlie. (Daphne leans over the table to line up her shot.
The other patrons try to get a good look at her bottom. But before
you take that shot, why don't we make this a little more interesting?
All you have to do to win is run those last five balls.
So what do you say we double our bet?
Daphne: Oh well. I might as well. I never really have understood this game.
(lines up) Never understood it, when I started playing with me
older brothers, at the age of six. (clunk) And I never understood
it during all my formative years, spent mostly in the pool halls
of Manchester. (clunk) Playing in local competitions and club
tournaments. (clunk) Winning cup after cup after cup. Until our
poor dad had to convert the pantry into a trophy room. (clunk)
And I can't really claim to understand it - 8 ball in far corner
- even today. (clunk) But I certainly do enjoy it. (collects her
winnings to the applause of the customers) Thank you, gentlemen.
And now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to attempt to use the ladies
room, without touching anything. (goes into ladies)
Frasier and Niles enter, stop and look around.
Frasier: Look at this place. I never felt so conspicuous in my life.
Niles: You must simply try to blend in. Fortunately, I haven't shaved
in several hours. You should loosen your tie.
Frasier: Yes, and you might try tucking in your watch fob.
Niles: That happens to be a Phi-Beta-Kappa key.
Frasier: Oh, then by all means, let it dangle. Perhaps they have a local
chapter.
Niles: Actually, this is quite stimulating in a lower depths sort of way.
And I've always been something of a squalor buff.
Frasier: The only problem is, I don't see Daphne or Jimmy.
Niles: (to bartender) Excuse me. Has a young woman been in here this evening
aproximately five foot nine and three quarters, with skin the
colour of Devonshire cream and the sort of eyes that gaze directly
into one's soul with neither aricifice or evasion?
Silence from the bartender.
Frasier: This would be an English woman called Daphne.
Bartender: Ah yeah, the one who came in with Jimmy.
Frasier: Right.
Bartender: She was over there shooting pool a minute ago. I think she stepped
in the back.
Frasier: What happened to Jimmy?
Bartender: He tried to get fresh with her. She threw a hammerlock on him
and ran him out of here. That babe can take care of herself.
Frasier: (to Niles)I told you so.
Bartender: And good riddance too. Guy was no good. I knew it the first time
I saw him. You can always tell.
Frasier: Yeah, yeah yeah. C'mon Niles, we'll take another walk on the wild
side, lets get out of here.
Niles: What about Daphne?
Frasier: Well come on, you heard what she did to Jimmy. Think how mad she'll
be if she should find us here.
Niles: You're right. Best make ourselves scarce. Good lord, there she
is.
In an attempt to stop Daphne from seeing them, Frasier walks into
a guy (Rocco) at the pool table, just as he's taking his shot.
Frasier: Oh, oh. God, I am so sorry
Rocco: Hey! What the hell are you doing?
Frasier: I'm sorry, I was just tring to..
Rocco: You made me miss that shot.
Frasier: I'm sorry.
Rocco: I had two hundred bucks riding on that shot.
Frasier: Really sorry.
Rocco: (to Niles, as his mate joins them) Where do you think you're going?
Niles: Ah, I'll be back, I was just going to put another quarter in the
meter.
Rocco: The meter's don't run at night, and neither do you.
Niles: Ohh, that was rather an amusing play on words, you're a regular
George S Kauphmann, we must tell our friends about this.
Rocco: You owe me two hundred dollars.
Frasier: Oh well, I, I'd gladly pay you, but I, I don't have that kind of
cash on me.
Niles: Even if he did, it would be absurd to bring it into a place like
this. You know, with the kind of element you might run into..
Frasier: Niles! Maybe I could write you a cheque?
Rocco: My element don't take cheques. I think maybe we should take these
guys outside. And wise them up.
Frasier: Oh, I don't think that's really nessesary at all.
Daphne: Oh my goodness! What are you two doing here?
Niles: We might ask you the same thing. This happens to be one of our
favourite haunts. Actually, Maris and I had our rehearsal dinner
here.. The place was different then, it was more of a garden room
and there was a trellis over there where the bar is..
Frasier: Shut up, Niles.
Daphne: Yer followed me, didn't you?
Frasier: Oh Daphne, we were worried about you.
Rocco: Excuse me lady. But it seems like your friends can't seem to come
up with the two hundred they owe me, so I'm gonna have to uh, pardon
my french, beat the crap out of them.
Frasier: Listen, listen. I'm a psychiatrist, maybe we can take this out
in sessions. You know, it seems that you have some control issues..
Rocco: Outside!
Daphne: WAIT! I have money. How would you like to go for double or nothing,
sport?
Rocco: On what?
Daphne: Well, you look like a betting man. (Walks over to pool table) I'll
wager I can sink these five balls with a single shot. If I do,
these boys are square, if I miss, you double your money.
Rocco: Hey. I don't mind taking your money, but I was kinda looking forward
to pulping this guy.
Daphne: Yeah well. We won't quibble. (picks up cue) If I miss, you can
pulp him. I'm feeling generous tonight. I'll throw in the little
one as well.
Niles: What did she mean by that, 'Throw in the little one'? And what
in God's name is 'pulping'?
Rocco: You're on. Okay. But just to make sure this is on the up and up,
let's use six balls. Instead of sinking all five with one shot,
(rolling another ball onto table) how about sinking all six? Do
that and uh, I'll forget the two hundred bucks.
Daphne: Fair enough. (takes careful aim, then..) Need a bit of chalk for
me cue. (lines up again, then) Does it matter in what order I make
them?
Rocco: Hey lady. If you make any of them, it'll be a miracle.
Daphne: Right. Well.. (takes shot. In slow motion, five of the balls go
down. As the sixth bounces out of the pocket, Daphne grabs the
money and yells) RUN FOR IT!!
They race out of the bar, Daphne wedging her cue in the door handles
to stop anyone following them.
End of Act Two (Time: xx:xx)
Credits:
Frasier's Apartment. Eddie is following a trail of biscuits to
where Daphne is lying in wait with a sponge and a towel. She lunges
at him, but misses.
Legal Stuff
This episode capsule is copyright 2000 by Nick Hartley, John Masson.
This episode summary remains property of Frasier, Copyright
of Paramount Productions and NBC. Printed without permission.
