Can't Buy Me Love Written by Chuck Ranberg &
Anne Flett-Giordano
Directed by James Burrows
=====================================================================
Production Code: 1.14.
Original Airdate on NBC: xxx
Transcript written on May 22nd 2000.
Quotes and Scene Summary {john masson}
Act One, Scene A: KACL Radio Station. Bulldog is in the middle of his show.
Frasier is watching from the corridor.
Bulldog: (on air)... 4 for 17 on Sunday, he calls himself a quarterback?
I've passed kidney stones with more accuracy!
Frasier: (to Roz, who's just passing by) Roz, Roz. Listen. Could you go in
there and get my briefcase for me? I was just on my way out but
I left it in the studio.
Roz: Why don't you go get it?
Frasier: Well, because ever time I go in there, he puts me on the air and
humiliates me.
Roz: Well, what do you think he does to me? Last week when I went in
to get my car keys he introduced me as Martina Navratalova's
girlfriend. (leaves)
Bulldog: (ringing a cowbell)Well Chuck, I'm really sorry I offended ya. Now
why don't you put your skirt back on and do some dishes? (Frasier
opens the door and crawls into the studio, but Bulldog has seen
him, and picks up the briefcase first) The lines are open. And how
about some real men calling instead of crybabies like Chuck? (raps
Frasier over the knuckles with his drumstick) Well.. look who's
just crawled into the doghouse, it's Dr Frasier Crane! And you know
what we always do when we get a house call from the doctor. (puts
tape in machine)
Tape: (italian) Droppa your pants and bend over, I takea your temperature.
Frasier: Hello, Bulldog.
Bulldog: (holding up briefcase) So doc. Who's your pick for the Giants/
Saints game this weekend?
Frasier: (wearily) The Giants.
Bulldog: You're kidding!
Frasier: The Saints.
Bulldog: You're kidding!
Frasier: Somebody has to win.
Bulldog: Yeah. They would if the Giants and Saints were playing this weekend!
(plays a tape of a donkey braying, then throws the briefcase to
Frasier)
Frasier: Yes, that was very funny indeed. I wished you'd played it on my
show. It deserves to be heard by a much larger audience. Hee haw!
Hee haw! (leaves)
A Chump Off
The Old Block
Scene B: The Frasier Residence. Daphne opens the door to Niles.
Daphne: Hello, Dr Crane.
Niles: Hello, Daphne. (indicating package) I brought this for dinner.
Martin: Hey, Niles.
Niles: Dad.
Martin: Kinda early.
Niles: Well, I just put Maris on the train to Chicago. You know how desolate
I am without my Maris.
Daphne: (opening package) Champagne?
Niles: Goes with all occasions. Can I be of any asistance in the kitchen?
Daphne: No, I have everything well in hand.
Niles: Ah, well. Lucky everything. (he goes over to the table, where Martin
is working out a chess problem, and discourages a move)
Martin: All right, what would you do?
Niles: Well for starters, I'd take that corn-nut off the board.
Martin: That corn-nut's my bishop. Eddie ate the real one.
Niles: In that case, corn-nut to rook 7.
Frasier arrives.
Frasier: Hello all.
Daphne: Evening, Dr Crane. Guess what your brother brought. Champagne.
Frasier: Oh, Maris left for Chicago already?
Niles: She's riding the rails as we speak.
Daphne: If I may ask, why does she take the train?
Niles: She's been afraid to fly since her harrowing incident.
Daphne: Oh dear. Did a plane almost crash?
Niles: No, no. She was bumped from first class. She still wakes up screaming.
Martin: Hey Frasier, I'm glad you're here, I've got a favour to ask you.
Frasier: What is it dad?
Martin: Well, you know my old buddy from the force Joe Linski's running
the benefit for the Widows and Orphans fund this year, and he's
doing one of those batchelor auctions and he's out looking for
local celebrities and I thought if we could get somebody really
famous from the radio station...
Frasier: Dad, say no more. I'd be delighted to help.
Martin: Great. So you'll ask Bulldog tomorrow?
Frasier: ...Bulldog.
Martin: Oh well, y'know, don't get me wrong, I was going to ask you too.
Frasier: Mmhmm?
Martin: Yeah I was, I was. I was just saving the best for last.
Frasier: Ahhaa.
Niles: Oh Frasier, give him a break. If he backpedals any faster, he'll
trip over his walker.
Frasier: All right I'll do it.
Martin: Ohh, great! I really appreciate it.. You won't forget to ask Bulldog,
will ya?
Frasier: I'll leave a note on his hydrant.
Daphne: A batchelor auction. I've always thought it would be fun to pick
a man off the block to do my bidding and fulfill my every desire.
Dr Crane?
Niles: (from his private little world) I'd love to. (realises Daphne is
offering him some champagne) I mean, ahh.. Frasier? I was just
thinking. What if no-one bids? What if you're left standing there,
with flop sweat trickling down your back, amidst a great, gaping
silence.
Martin: It'll never happen, Niles.
Frasier: Thank you, dad.
Martin: Yeah, we got a band!
Going Once
Scene C: Backstage at the batchelor auction. Frasier and Bulldog are listening
to the screams of the audience.
Announcer: (off stage, or rather, on stage, if you know what I mean) Our
next batchelor on the block is public television's own cute and
cuddly Mr Science.
Frasier: My God! The estrogen levels are off the charts out there!
Bulldog: Yeah, isn't it great? I mean, deep down, chicks are just like guys.
We all want the same thing.
Frasier: Well, I've got news for them. Frasier Crane does not put out. All
they're getting for their little donation is a well prepared gourmet
meal and a handshake at the door.
Bulldog: BORING! My date gets a stretch limo, moon roof, dinner, floor seats
at the Sonics game and these incredible buns of steel. Feel 'em
doc. C'mon. Feel 'em.
Frasier: Thank you, no!
As Martin enters we hear the announcer on the stage say:-
Announcer: Please, please. Keep articles of clothing off the stage!
Martin: Man. You show these women a little celebrity beefcake and they go
nutso.
Frasier: I don't mind tellng you dad, I'm a little bit nervous. This is a
textbook case of mob mentality. I hope all the fire exits are clearly
marked.
Martin: Ahh relax. Relax, will ya?
Frasier: Right, that's easy for you to say. You're not the one jumping into
the Rottweiller pit with a pork chop around your neck!
Martin: (spotting a celebrity) Hey Frasier, that's TJ Smith, he's a
linebacker for the Seahawks. They call him 'The Enforcer', he's
put two quarterbacks in hospital already this season. (goes over
to TJ) Hey, TJ! Marty Crane, nice to meet ya.
A woman with a clipboard comes in.
Woman: Number 19?
TJ: (to Martin) Please don't make me go out there.
Martin: Ohh, you'll be fine. Don't worry, just go on out there and have
a good time. (TJ goes on stage) They're gonna have him for breakfast.
Going Twice
Time passes. TJ stumbles in, a broken man.
Bulldog: Hey, TJ. How was it man?
TJ: It was horrible. They're like sharks at a feeding frenzy. The one
who bought me had this crazed look in her eye.
Roz sweeps in.
Roz: Where do I pay?
Frasier: Roz!
Roz: I saw what I wanted and I went after it. (TJ makes to back off)
Stay!
Woman: Number 20? (this is Frasier)
Frasier: (nervously) That's me.
Martin: You know son, I haven't had a chance to tell you how much I appreciate
this. Y'know, having somebody like you in the auction really adds
class.
Frasier: My pleasure, dad.
Martin: Now, if the bidding gets slow, drop a quarter and take a couple
of minutes to pick it up.
Frasier walks slowly out.
...Gone
Time passes.
Announcer: Sold! To that very determined lady in the back row for $500.
Bulldog: So Doc, who bought ya?
Frasier: I have no idea. Last thing I remember is someone shouting out:-
'Shake Your Money Maker'.
Woman: Number 21? (that's Bulldog)
Bulldog: Ladies! Start your engines! (exits)
A beautiful woman enters.
Christina: Dr Crane? Christina Harper. I just bought you.
Frasier: You? You? You.. bought me.
Christina: I listen to your show all the time, I'm a big fan of yours.
Frasier: Well how.. wonderful. Ahh, you bought me for, for $500. That's a
lot of money.
Christina: Oh, that's all right, I just did a big layout for 'Seattle Style'.
Frasier: Oh, are you a photographer?
Christina: No, I'm a model.
Frasier: A model! How wonderful. For you.
Christina: So umm, how about Friday?
Frasier: Ahh, Friday's fine. I live at the Elliot Bay Towers on the Counter-
balance. Ahh, around seven?
Christina: Sounds great. See you then.
Frasier: Bye.
Christina exits as Bulldog enters.
Frasier: (happily) That's my new owner. She's a model.
Bulldog: No kidding, she almost put my eye out.
Frasier: So you're back awfully quick.
Bulldog: Hey hey! I was one of the last guys out there! The money was running
low. But! There was still one rawhide chewtoy out there for the
Bulldog. (Daphne enters, in a state of shock. Bulldog leaves, saying
to her as he slaps her behind) I gotta take a squirt. When I come
back, we'll play fetch.
Frasier: Oh my God, Daphne. Why?
Daphne: Things were slowing down, so your father asked me to schill. I
opened at $100, who knew that would be the only bid?
Scene B: The Frasier Residence. Frasier is making the final touches for his
date. The doorbell bing-bongs. Frasier answers it to -
Frasier: Christina. Buena noche.
Christina: Hi Frasier. Sorry I'm late, but I got a last minute call for a
job.
Frasier: Oh, well that's all right, you're here now, and you look enchanting.
Christina: No, you don't understand. The job's tonight. But we could have
dinner later?
Frasier: Ohh, well I suppose that's all right.
Christina: I hope you didn't go to too much trouble?
Frasier: Oh, no no no no no.
Christina: (looking at room) You rented a restaurant trolley.
Frasier: No, no, I own it. Don't tell me that you don't have one?
Christina: There's just one more thing. Umm, My friend Sandy got called in
on the same job, and she was supposed to look after my daughter.
She indicates the corridor. Frasier looks out to find a young girl
standing there.
Frasier: Don't tell me you want me to babysit?
Christina: Look, I wouldn't do this, but I'm really in a jamb. Look, Sandy'll
take her as soon as we get back, and umm, that'll leave just the
two of us.
Frasier: Christina, I'm not really sure if I can.. I'll make a *lot* of
points for this, won't I?
Christina: That's right.
Frasier: Bring the darling in.
Christina: Dr Crane, this is my daughter Renata.
Frasier: Hello.
Christina: She's shy at first. See you later. (exits)
Frasier: Well. C'mon in, have a seat. Can I get you umm, a soft drink?..
Goose liver pate?.. Renata, that's a pretty name. I suppose it has
some poetic, romantic significance..
Renata: Can I use your phone?
Frasier: Now Renata. We're going to be spending the evening together, let's
try to make the best of it, shall we? I may surprise you, you know.
I'm probably more 'with it' than you think I am.... The phone's
right there.
End of Act One (Time:x:xx)
Shrink Rap
Act Two, Scene A: Time Lapse at Frasier's Apartment. Frasier is at the table,
Renata is throwing treats to Eddie whilst talking to her friend
on the phone.
Renata: No way!.. That is so fresh.. No way.. No way.. No.. Way.. Hold on,
there's another call. (changes lines)... He'll call you back..
No way..
Frasier: Who was that?
Renata: I don't know.. No way!.. Oh god, another call's coming in.
Frasier: (taking phone) Do you mind? I'll answer this one, thank you. Hello?
(give phone back) It's for you.
Renata: Hello? Hey, Tiffany.
Frasier: Tiffany? I thought you just spoke to Tiffany?
Renata: That was Tiffany Schwartz. This is Tiffany Martinez.
Frasier: Celebrate the ethnic mosiac that is America, but nonetheless..
(takes phone and hangs up)
Renata: What's your damage?
Frasier: Well I'll tell you what my damage is, young lady. You've been talking
on the phone for an hour and a half. You haven't said a word to
me except to ask for more Cheeto's. (Eddie barks) They're coming
Eddie!
Renata: Excuse me. Like I'm supposed to be happy I'm here? Her Fabulousness
dumps me with a total stranger who could be a total perv.
Frasier: Well, I'n not exactly thrilled about it either, but your mother
was in a bind. For the record, I am not a perv.
Renata: You don't get it. She is always doing stuff like this. She's a
flake.
Frasier: Nonetheless, flake or not, you are in my charge. I think it's time
you had something that was a bit more nutritious. Now. How about
some seafood crepes? Lobster Nuberg?.. Corn dog dipped in (Heurori).
Renata: You got any (Roccapido)?
Frasier: Even more lethal. Yes, just come on into the kitchen, we'll see
what we've got.
Renata: You know, you wouldn't have gotten anywhere with this gourmet meal
routine. She eats like, nothing. She's a total diet freak. That's
all she talks about besides herself.
Frasier: You don't care much for your mother, do you?
Renata: Well duh.
Frasier: Y'know, I have a son. I'd hate to think by the time he's your age,
he thinks of me as some sort of umm..
Renata: Dweeb?
Frasier: Thank you.
Renata: Brace yourself.
Frasier: Oh well, Look what we have here. (pulls a packet of cookie dough
from the fridge) Will one tube suffice? (cuts the packet in half
and gives them to Renata) Put that in your pipe and smoke it. They
go back into the main area) Well now Renata, you know, I am a
psychiatrist and umm, if you're having problems with your mother
I'd be glad to listen.
Renata: You mean you want me to tell you all my problems like those Gomers
on your show? Like you care.
Frasier: I do care about the Gomers. I even care about you.
Renata: Don't make me hurl! (Frasier gives up and sits down) She keeps
telling people I'm younger than I am.
Frasier: Why do you think she does that?
Renata: So they won't know how old she is. I've been nine for the past three
years.
Frasier: Really?
Renata: That's nothing. Once, she promised to take me ice skating for my
birthday? On the way there she saw a tattoo parlour. So she just
left me out on the sidewalk 'til she could get a stupid butterfly
tattooed on her shoulder. It's like, she forgot I was even out there.
Frasier: My God! How old were you?
Renata: That was the first time I was nine.
Frasier: What does your father say about all this?
Renata: Tony? He's on the road with Whitesnake all the time.
Frasier: Whitesnake? Is that a musical group or a pet?
Renata: It's his new wife.
Driving Miss Daphne
Scene B: Back of Bulldog's stretch limo. He and Daphne are leaving the game.
Daphne is a little tipsy.
Daphne: I must confess, I was a little apprehensive about going out with
you tonight. But I'm actually having a jolly time. Unless of course
it's the chamagne getting to me. I have had quite a bit, haven't
I? Oh, who cares? That's the beauty of being in a limo. Unless of
course the driver's drinking. (into intercom) You're not drinking
are you? (to Bulldog) He's not drinking. Let's drink to the driver
not drinking.
Bulldog: Man, you're really looped, this is great.
Outside, someone leans on their horn.
Daphne: Well, that's annoying, isn't it? Certainly is taking a long time
getting out of this parking lot. Did I mention this was my first
basketball game? Yes, of course I did, three or four times. I still
can't get over those players. They are positively gigantic. Not
that being tall is the only measure of a man. But it's a bloody
good one. (bursts out laughing) Oh dear, I just insulted you, didn't
I? Sorry. Oh well, you can take it, you're a tough little nut.
Oh dear. This is not good. Not good at all.
Bulldog: What, you don't like the chamange?
Daphne: No, I can see the bottom of me glass.
Bulldog: (refilling Daphne's glass) Well bottoms up!
Daphne: Oh, you are a naughty boy. Now don't go getting any ideas. Oh, look
who I'm saying this to. You don't have an idea in your head! (laughs)
Did it again. I insulted ya. Let's drink to that. Boom! (knocks
glass on Bulldog's forehead. Outside, the car horns start up again)
Now that is downright rude. (lowers window and yells through a
speakercone) Hey you there. You in the Firebird. Yes you! Stop
that honking. Now now, just because you look stupid doesn't mean
you have to act stupid.
Bulldog: Hey! Don't aggravate him, we're kinda pinned in here.
Daphne: Oh tosh. Civilization's not going to progress one iota unless
someone points out when people's manners are remiss. (from outside
we hear someone shouting 'Move it!') OH SHUT YOUR BLOODY CAKEHOLE!!
Bulldog: Don't do that! Great. Now he's getting out of his car!
Daphne: Ooh. He's a tall one too.
Bulldog: Quick, roll up your window, lock the door.
Daphne: Don't be stupid, he's not going to hurt a woman.
Bulldog: Just roll it up, roll it up!
Bulldog's door opens and he starts getting pulled out of the limo.
Daphne: Get your bloody claws off him! Let him go, you big ugly oaf!
Bulldog: (to Daphne) SHUT UP!!! (he get pulled out of the car)
Daphne: Oh. Well we're moving. (through the speakercone, to Bulldog outside)
Thank you Pitbull! I had a lovely time! (she falls over while
attempting to finish the champagne)
Scene C: Frasier's Apartment. He and Renata are sitting at the table, eating
the cookie dough.
Frasier: You know, this cookie dough is not that bad. Of course, I'm sure
later I'll be hurling. (the doorbell bing bongs) Ahh, that must
be her fabulousness. Want to take the rest home with you?
Renata: I'd better not. If I gain an ounce, she goes ballistic. She makes
me weigh in every morning.
Frasier: You poor thing!
Renata: I'm used to it.
Frasier open the door.
Christina: Hi, I'm back. (kisses Frasier) Renata, honey. (kisses her) Sandy's
waiting downstairs in the car.
Frasier: Renata. I must say I had a rather enjoyable evening.
Renata: You don't get out much, do you? (leaves)
Frasier: You know, I think she likes me.
Christina: Well uh, thank you for helping me out. Now, roll out that trolley,
I'm starving.
Frasier: Y'know Christina, I don't think so. I think you ought to go home
and spend the evening with your daughter.
Christina: But I thought we had a date?
Frasier: Well y'know, when we first met, I was, well, attracted by your
remarkable beauty. But now that I know a bit more about you, well
suddenly you don't look so good, sister.
Christina: Excuse me?
Frasier: A daughter is a privilege, not an inconvenience. You don't leave
her standing on some street corner while you're inside getting
tattooed! Or keep her in some ageless Never-never Land where
everyone is nine for ever and ever!
Christina: Renata told you I did that.
Frasier: Yes! She also told me about the morning weigh-in's. And the time
you left her with the coat-check girl at the Palladium, so you could
go dancing! I mean, what kind of excuse for a mother are you anyway?
Christina: Well. Did it ever occur to you that she might be lying? 'Cause
this is the first night I've been out in over a year. God knows
John and Maryanne never take her.
Frasier: Who are they?
Christina: Her father and his new wife.
Frasier: Oh, who are Tony and Whitesnake?
Christina: Our two dogs. Do you know what I do most nights? I stay home.
And I help her with her homework, or french lessons. Oh, except
last Saturday, when I took her and her twelve friends to an ice
skating party.
Frasier: I don't suppose there's any chance that during that party you got
your shoulder tattooed?
Christina: (lowers her coat and turns round) Do you see anything there?
Frasier: No. But then my eyes are tearing up. But why would she lie?
Christina: Because she's twelve, and she's mad at me. She wanted to stay
home alone, and I wouldn't let her. I probably would have been
better off if I had. God, some shrink you are!
Frasier: Please don't go, child development is not my thing. My speciality
is adult relations.
Christina: Well, you won't be having any of those tonight.
Frasier: Christina, please don't go, I..
Christina: (getting into lift) Ohh, and by the way. I only have one kidney.
Guess who has the other?
Scene D: Time lapse. Frasier's Apartment. He's sharing the cookie dough with
Eddie. Martin enters.
Martin: Is the coast clear? What happened to the supermodel?
Frasier: She left.
Martin: Ohh. Was kinda afraid I might walk in on an embarrassing moment.
Frasier: Should have been here half an hour ago.
Martin: Well your date's left, what are you doing still sitting up?
Frasier: I was wondering if my sweet little boy's going to turn out to be
a monster when he's twelve.
Martin: What the hell brought that up?
Frasier: Oh, it's a long story. Do you really want to hear it?
Martin: Well, it is getting late. Look, all kids are the same. They start
out cute, then somewhere along the way they get into that obnoxious,
know-it-all stage and you think they'll never grow out of it.
Frasier: But eventually they do?
Martin: I'm still hoping.
The phone rings, Frasier answers.
Frasier: Hello?.. Oh Daphne. How was your evening?.. No Way!..
End of Act Two (Time: xx:xx)
Credits:
In the limo. Frasier and Martin finish off the champagne. Daphne
has a glass of Seltzer.
Legal Stuff
This episode capsule is copyright 2000 by Nick Hartley & John
Masson. This episode summary remains property of Frasier, Copyright
of Paramount Productions and NBC. Printed without permission.
