Guess Who's Coming To Breakfast Written by Molly Newman
Directed by Andy Ackerman
=====================================================================
Production Code: 1.13.
Original Airdate on NBC: xxx
Transcript written on April 26th 2000.
Quotes and Scene Summary {john masson}
Act One, Scene A: The Radio Station. Frasier is taking a call.
Frasier: (on air)...and though washing one's hands twenty to thirty times
a day would be considered obsessive/compulsive, please bear in
mind that your husband is a coroner. Thank you for your call, Janine.
Roz, whom do we have next?
Roz: We have Ethan on line three, and he's having a little problem at
school.
Frasier: Hello, Ethan. I'm listening.
Ethan: Hi, Dr Crane.
Frasier: How old are you?
Ethan: I'm thirteen.
Frasier: Ahh well, what can I do for you?
Ethan: Well, I'm having a lot of problems with the other kids at school.
They're always beating me up.
Frasier: Why do you think that's so?
Ethan: Probably because I'm smart. I have a 160 IQ. I'm in the astronomy
club and I hate sports.
Frasier: Well y'know, Ethan, the other children are just acting out of
jealousy and immaturity, and I.. I know it doesn't help much right
now, but the day will come in the next few years when you will
have the last laugh.
Ethan: ...That's it?
Frasier: ...Yes.
Ethan: I find that advise patronising, simplistic and in all candour
uninspired. The real surprise here is that they pay to dole out
this balloon juice.
Frasier: Ethan, where are you calling from?
Ethan: Home.
Frasier: Well, if any of Ethan's classmates are listening, you know where
he is, and he can't stay in there forever. Thank you for your call.
Well, that's about it for today, this is Frasier Crane, KACL Talk
Radio, 780 AM. (off air) Well Roz, I thought that was a pretty
good show, didn't you?
Roz: (touching up her makeup) Yeah. Sure. Whatever you say.
Frasier: You seem a bit distracted there, Roz. You got another one of your
hot dates?
Roz: If you must know, yes.
Noel Shempski puts his head round the door.
Noel: Pick you up outside in five minutes?
Roz: Great. Thanks Noel.
He give Roz the thumbs up sign and leaves.
Frasier: Noel? Noel Shempski from sales, that's who your date's with?
Roz: It's not a date, we're just going out for a drink, okay?
Frasier: Noel the mole?
Roz: I know, he's not great looking, I know he drives a '73 Dodge Poleris,
but he's alway struck me as a really interesting guy.
Frasier: Mmhmm.
Roz: Look, the world is loaded with superficial guys. Y'know, I just
want to go out with someone who has a good heart. He's smart. He's
substantial and y'know, considering my track record lately I would
hope you'd support me. Is that asking too much?
Frasier: Does Noel still have that autographed picture of Captain Kirk in
his cubicle?
Roz: Why do I tell you anything?(leaves)
Boy N The Hood
Scene B: Frasier's Apartment, kitchen. Daphne is baking as Niles enters.
Niles: Knock, knock. Can I be of any assistance?
Daphne: Oh, no thank you, Dr Crane, I think I have everything under control.
Niles: Do you mind if I linger then? I've always been sort of a kitchen
person. (goes to lean on the cooker and knocks a ladle tumbling)
Daphne: Suit yourself. I like the company.
Niles: (trying, but failing, to sit on the worktop) How's dads therapy
doing?
Daphne: Well, we're getting more mobility in his hip, and his flexability's
improving, but it's always a chore to get him to do his exercises.
Of course, I've found the secret is if I bribe him with sweets.
(Niles takes a jump at the worktop and bangs his head on the
extraction hood, bounces off the fridge and ends up on the floor)
Oh my goodness! (Daphne puts his head in her lap and strokes it)
Dr Crane! Dr Crane, can you get up?
Niles: No. No, I think I'd better stay here for a few minutes.
Frasier enters the kitchen.
Frasier: Niles, what are you doing? (drags Niles to his feet)
Daphne: I'm afraid he conked his head. On the hood there.
Frasier: (to Niles) You are shameless!
Niles: Frasier, I have a very sore head and a crackerjack lawyer, so don't
crowd me.
Daphne: Here. (gives Niles a wet cloth) Put this on it.
Niles: Oh, thank you. Daphne, you've been wonderful in this time of crisis.
Frasier: Now come on, Camille. (pulls him into the main seating area) I
need to talk to you. Here, have a seat, right here. Now listen
Niles, I'm having a young lady over on Friday night, I was hoping
you could take Dad out for me.
Niles: Ohh, I wish you'd said Saturday.
Frasier: Why, you have plans Friday?
Niles: No, I have plans Saturday.
Frasier: Niles, just tell me that you'll do this for me?
Niles: Oh, all right.
Frasier: Thank you.
Niles: So. Does this mean you're hoping to get lucky, Friday night?
Frasier: Oh Niles, please. Nobody refers to having sex as 'getting lucky'
anymore.
Niles: I do.
Martin enters, with Eddie.
Martin: Hello, boys.
Niles: Hey, Dad.
Frasier: Hi, Dad. (motions to Niles to do his party piece)
Niles: Dad. I was wondering if you'd be interested in joining Maris and
me Friday night. We're dying to try the new rib joint that's opened
on Belvue Way.. I understand if the onion rings aren't as big as
your head you get them for free.
Martin: Well thanks, Niles, but I thought I'd spend a quiet evening at
home.
Niles: Oh well then.. (Frasier pushes him) Better yet, why don't you come
to our house, we'll make dinner, and we'll even rent an Angie
Dickinson film.
Frasier: Ooh.
Martin: All right, what's going on? Frasier wants me out of here because
he has a date or something?
Niles: I'm sorry, Frasier, he sees things that others don't.
Frasier: Well, I'm sorry, Dad, I guess I should have asked you myself.
Martin: Oh, that's all right. Yeah, I'll clear out. But just remember,
one hand washes the other around here.
Frasier: What does that mean?
Martin: Well, as long as I'm clearing out for you Friday night, you can
clear out for me Thursday night. I've got a date with Elaine Morris
from 14-12.
Frasier: Oh well, well. How long has this been going on?
Martin: Ooh, she's had me over for coffee a couple of times. Just thought
I'd like to have her over here for dinner. Niles, wipe that stupid
smirk off your face. What do you say, Frasier?
Frasier: Well, sure Dad. I think that's terrific. Oh listen, if there's
a lull in the conversation, we got all kind of board games back
here in the closet, we got playing cards, does she like to play
Canasta?
Niles: Oh! And PBS is running a wonderful documentary on the swing bands
of the 30's and 40's.
Frasier: Ooh, wow.
Martin: Well thanks a lot for all your help, boys, but I think we'll just
split a bowl of creamed corn, rub a little linament into each others
joints and fall asleep drooling on the couch!
Foot In Mouth Disease
Scene C: Frasier's Apartment, Kitchen. Friday morning.
Frasier: Morning, Daphne.
Daphne: Good morning, Dr Crane. I want to thank you again for the show
last night. I've never been to experimental theatre before.
Frasier: Don't mention it. It was my pleasure.
Daphne: Well, I think I undersood most of it. Only what did it mean when
the naked man came in, carrying a suitcase?
Frasier: ..I think it meant that he's packed too much.
Daphne: Well. I'm sure your father appreciated having us out of the house.
Frasier: What is that heavenly aroma?
Daphne: I decided to prepare us a traditional english breakfast. We have
eggs, bangers, or as you call them, sausages, and to finish it off,
a batch of Grammy Moon's famous sticky buns.
Frasier: My, that's it.
Daphne: Grammy made these every Sunday. 'Course she added a pint of rum
to the recipe. And nobody liked these more than Grammy herself.
Many's the Sunday I'd head over to her house after church, only
to find her out in the garden in a wedding dress, face down in
the bird bath.
Martin enters.
Martin: Morning.
Frasier: Morning, dad. So.. How was your date last night, huh? Hah, boy,
feels strange y'know, a son asking his father how his date was
last night, (Elaine walks in) when he could ask the date herself!
Martin: Elaine, this is Daphne Moon, my son Frasier Crane, Elaine Morris.
(they all shake hands)
Frasier: So. So, it's a pleasure to meet you, Elaine. It's ahh.. I know
that dad's wanted to have you for a long time... I mean for dinner.
Elaine: Yes. Well, I certainly enjoyed it. But you know, Martin, I.. I
really should be going.
Martin: Oh no, no. You should at least stay for breakfast, shouldn't she
Frase?
Frasier: Oh yes, absolutely.
Elaine: Well, I guess I could stay for coffee.
Frasier: Splendid, splendid, splendid. So uh, so uh.... What did you two
kids do last night? Did you ahh, play some games? Well, I mean
board games! Not that you were bored. Or excited. Well, not that
I'd know anything.. or should! But ah.. warm buns, Elaine? No,
no, not yours! I mean ours, ours! (picks up Daphne's sticky buns)
To eat, you see. Have one, I'll have one! Warm!
Martin: Why don't we go sit at the table?
Elaine: Okay. (they move into the main area)
Martin: (to Frasier) What the hell's wrong with you?
Frasier: I don't know!
Elaine: Well uh, Frasier, y'know, I really love your radio show, but my
friends and I listen to it almost every day.
Frasier: Thank you. That's always lovely to hear.
Silence.
Martin: Elaine's a buyer at Burmonchez.
Frasier: Oh really, really? I do, do a great deal of shopping there. As
a matter of fact, I bought the comforter on dads bed there and,
well I supposed you noticed that... Maybe you didn't, I mean, I
don't know if you had the lights on or... I mean I don't know how
you like it.. I mean how you.. light it! How you like to light
it! (Daphne comes in with a large plate of sausages. Frasier is
thankful for a change of subject) Banger, dad? (Elaine chokes on
her coffee)
Elaine: (making for the door) Y'know, I really should be going, I've got
to get ready for work, it was nice meeting you Daphne, and uh,
Frasier. Thanks for a lovely evening Martin.
Martin: I'll call you later.
Elaine: Yeah. (leaves)
Frasier: (to Daphne) Couldn't have served bacon?
Daphne: Me?! The way you were carrying on, I think we can be thankful I
didn't make Toad in the Hole! (exits to kitchen)
Martin: Well you handled that smoothly, Dr Crane.
Frasier: I'm sorry dad. You just really caught me off guard.
Martin: Ahh, that's ok. I really ought to apologise. I should have warned
you But I really didn't think it was going to happen. Pretty glad
it did!
Frasier: So, you like Elaine?
Martin: I like Elaine.
Frasier: So, dad..
Martin: Yeah, yeah.
Frasier: You're back on the beat!
Martin: All right.
Frasier: Lock up your daughters!
Martin: Okay, okay.
Frasier: C'mon you old..
Martin: Frasier don't push it!
End of Act One (Time:x:xx)
Act Two, Scene A: Radio Station. Roz is introducing the next caller.
Roz: ... she's concerned about her daughter.
Frasier: (on air) Hello Maryann, I'm listening.
Maryann: Kids. You can't live with them, you can't shove them back in the
womb.
Frasier: Well, as we try to forget the image that that summons up, how can
I help you, Maryann?
Maryann: Well two days ago, Judy, my twentytwo year old, arrived home for
a visit with her boyfriend. I insisted that they sleep in seperate
bedrooms. She got furious with me, and she's been giving me dirty
looks all week. Am I completely out of line here?
Frasier: Not at all. I, I think that in your own house you make up the rules.
Maryann: Thank you.
Frasier: But.. Are we sure there isn't something else going on here? Perhaps
you're having a problem thinking of your daughter as an adult.
You see, we all have a tendency to freeze people in roles with
which we are most comfortable. Especially when it comes to that
old bugaboo, sex. Y'know, let me use myself as an example. As many
of you know, my sixtythree year old father recently moved in with
me and, just this morning over coffee, I discovered he had spent
the night in his room with a delightful creature named Elaine.
The entire episode competely unnerved me. Why? Because I had never
thought of my father as a man with normal sexual urges. To me he
was always old plain old dad. Well that's absurd. My father is
a witty, virile, charming man, possesed of the hereditary Crane
good looks, and what I suppose I'm driving at is that sexuality
is a healthy part of adulthood, at any age. I think it's time we
embrace that, don't you, Maryann?
Maryann: Sorry, Dr Crane, I gotta go. I'm hearing noises from the guest
room. (hangs up)
Frasier: Well, as Maryann rushes to the guest room with a bucket of ice
water, we will pause for these messages. (off air)
Roz: Hey Frasier, that was a really good show.
Frasier: Oh, thank you I thought so too.
Noel walks in.
Noel: Hi, Dr Crane. (lovelorn) Hi Roz.
Roz: Hi Noel.
Noel: I had a great time last night.
Roz: Me too.
Noel: I made you this spice rack. I especially treated the back for easy
wall adhesion.
Roz: (who has already found that out) That was very thoughtful of you,
Noel.
Noel: Well umm, I gotta run. I'll call you later. (gives the Vulcan peace
salute) Live long and prosper. (leaves)
Frasier: Ooh look, there's a place for cumin, most people overlook that.
Roz: Just kill me.
Scene B: Frasier's Apartment. Martin and Daphne are there. Martin is
furious.
Martin: I don't understand it. Why would he say something like that on
the radio?
Daphne: Did you know, when you get angry your ears turn red. (Martin glares
at her) See? There they go.
(Frasier arrives)
Frasier: Evening, everyone.
Daphne: I'll be going to my room right now. (leaves, hurredly)
Frasier: Hello, Eddie. (Eddie chases after Daphne) Well, I seem to have
cleared the room.
Martin: I want to talk to you mister.
Frasier: Ohh, sounds like someone's being taken out behind the woodshed.
Martin: Don't tempt me. Where the hell do you get off talking about my
personal life on your radio programme?
Frasier: Are you discussing what I said about you and Elaine?
Martin: You're damned right I am. I've never been so embarrassed in my
life.
Frasier: But dad, everything I said was flattering.
Martin: Oh yeah. Telling all of Seattle about your old dad shacking up
with the neighbour lady.
Frasier: Oh, come on you old swordsman, I thought you'd get a kick out of
it.
Martin: Knock it off, Frasier. Thanks to you Elaine won't even talk to
me anymore.
Frasier: What for? just because of a harmless remark I made on the radio?
Martin: Hey, for your information, people of our generation think sex is
a private thing. And I still think that's a pretty healthy way
of looking at it. Sex is something between you and the person you're
doing it to.
Frasier: Well, don't you think she's overreacting?
Martin: Put yourself in her place. She takes a chance and spends the night
with me. Next thing she knows, it's being broadcast all over Seattle.
I mean, her friends heard it and called her. She's so embarrassed
she's never been out of the house all day, she won't even answer
the phone now.
Frasier: I'm sorry, dad.
Martin: Your sympathy touches me!
Frasier: Well look, look. I caused a problem here, and I will take care of
it.
Martin: Yeah? Well, I'll be in my room, holding my breath.
Eddie bounces over to stare at Frasier.
Frasier: I said I'd take care of it!
Scene C: Radio Station. Both Frasier and Roz are bored, listening to
caller (Al), who has the most tedious voice, ever.
Al: (on air. Tired, listless monotone) I hate my voice. I mean, I know
no-one likes the sound of their own voices, especially when they
hear it on tape. Because it doesn't sound as good as it does in
their own head. But I hate my voice in my head too. (Frasier finds
himself a backscratcher) And you can't get away from your own voice
either, you know. I've tried not listening to myself when I talk.
But I find myself kinda saying things that don't make a lot of
sense. I hate my voice so much, (Frasier starts playing around
with the backscratcher, making Roz laugh) I had to call a neighbour
in to do the message on my answering machine. I don't like his
voice very much either, but it's better than mine. (Roz sticks
two chopsticks in her mouth, pretending to be a walrus) Not that
I get a lot of calls. Well you go figure. Any advice Dr Crane?
Frasier: (getting back in his seat)Yes, yes uh, just go on with what you're
doing, and everything should turn out all right. Thank you for
your call. (line off) Now, I'd like to end todays show on something
of a personal note. I'm talking to one person in my audience. Elaine,
you wouldn't answer my phone calls, you wouldn't come to the door,
so I hope you're listening. And if you are, I want to apologise
for what I said on the radio. I took something that was of a private
nature and turned it into public knowledge. I promise I will never
do that again, well, except for this time, then I promise I'll
never do it again. You see the saddest thing is, Elaine, that uh,
that dad is paying for my mistake. (cues Roz, who starts playing
a tape of 'Moon River') Elaine, Martin cares for you. And he misses
you very much. More than anything in the world, he'd like to be
back together with you. And if you feel for him the way he feels
for you, I hope you'll find it in your heart to come to my place
tonight at eight o' clock, for dinner. A very romantic dinner.
Thanks Elaine. This is KACL 780 AM talk radio. And I'm Frasier
Crane, the love doctor.
Scene D: Frasier's Apartment. He and Daphne are laying a romantic dinner
table for two.
Frasier: Ahh. Well, the champagne's chilled, a platter of hors d'oeuvre,
how are things in the kitchen?
Daphne: The roast is out of the oven. It looks beautiful.
Frasier: God, I hope this works, Daphne.
Daphne: Well, I've been sending Elaine psychic messages all day.
Frasier: You're kidding. You can transmit? I thought you were just a receiver.
Daphne: Well, I'm giving it a try. Y'know, "Elaine in 14-10, come to dinner,
come to dinner".
Frasier: That's very charming Daphne, but Elaine's in 14-12.
Daphne: Oh dear. I guess I'd better set an extra place at the table, then.
Martin enters from the bedroom.
Martin: Ah look, it's eight o' clock and I'm still a pumpkin.
Frasier: Dad, it is two minutes to eight, and why don't you just sit down
and relax?
Martin: Oh, this is stupid. She probably didn't even hear your show. Does
this tie go with the jacket?
Daphne: You look smashing.
Martin: Ohh, who the hell am I kidding? She's not going to show up. I don't
know why I even (the doorbell chimes)
Frasier: May I suggest we just skip the first course, which is crow, and
move directly to the hors d'oeuvre?
Martin: Shut up and answer the door!
Frasier opens the front door to find a crowd of people standing
there.
Marjorie: Excuse me, is this the Crane residence?
Frasier: Yes it is.
Marjorie: Well, we've been waiting here for the last fifteen minutes. Did
Elaine show up, or did we miss her?
Frasier: Who are all you people?
Woman2: We heard your show today.
Marjorie: Oh, it was so romantic, we all have our fingers crossed.
Frasier: Yes, very kind.
Marjorie: I'm Marjorie, from down on 11..
Frasier: Hello, Marjorie.
Marjorie: ..and this is Norman..
Frasier: Hello, Norman. It's a pleasure.
Marjorie: ..and the rest of these people I don't know.
Frasier: Nice to see you all. (sees a face he recognises) Tony? Tony, what
are you doing here, for God's sakes? Shouldn't you be watching
the door?
Tony: Oh, don't worry, we're all locked in. I have got to find out how
this ends, Doc.
Martin: (coming to door) What's going on out here?
The crowd start ohhing and aahhing
Frasier: People, people please. Don't you have lives of your own? For God's
sake, beat it, scoot, scat..
Martin: What's happening?
Frasier: ..This is a private situation here..(the lift doors open, revealing
Elaine. The crowd goes wild, Elaine tries to retreat, Frasier attempts
to pull her into the apartment) Please, please, come out here.
Elaine: No, I'm going home.
Frasier: All right then, dad, dad you come in here. (hustles Martin into
the lift) All right everybody, back off, just back off! Just give
us some time, please! (the doors close)
Elaine: Ooh I knew I should never have come up here, nothing's changed.
Frasier: Elaine, please let me try to explain..
Martin: You've done enough.
Frasier: Oh dad please, what do you happen to know..
Martin: Frasier, (points to corner) over there.
Frasier: Dad!
Martin: Turn around. (Frasier does so) Look Elaine, I'm sorry about what
happened. You've got every right to be mad. But I thought what we
had was pretty good, and thanks to radio boy here, I think most
of Seattle agrees with me. I'd sure hate to lose it, just because
of one stupid thing. C'mon Elaine. I had a great time on our date
the other night. You gonna tell me you don't feel the same way?
You may not remember, but I have warm toes. Anyway, it's your choice,
but I sure wish you'd come and have dinner with me.
The lift reaches the fourteenth floor. Elaine thinks for a moment
then presses the button for the ninteenth. Frasier is smiling at
them.
Elaine: (to Frasier) Who said you could turn around?
The lift reaches the ninteenth floor. The crowd are still there.
Marjorie: Look, it's coming back up!
The doors open, revealing Martin and Elaine in a clinch. The crowd
ooh and aah again.
Martin: (as he and Elaine go into apartment) All right everyone. You've
had your fun. Show's over. Nothing more to see. Go back to your
homes.
Frasier: Yes, please folks. Honour what the man says. Thank you so much
for coming. Thank you for your concern. Let's expidite this
departure please, if you would. (the crowd leaves) Thank you so
much. Goodbye. (Daphne joins him)
Daphne: Well, I suppose we should give them their privacy.
Frasier: Yes. Yes, I suppose you're right. It's ironic, isn't it? My
sixtythree year old father with a bum hip is about to embark on
a night of romance, while the two of us, man and woman, both
attractive and eligible, and in the prime of our lives, have nothing
to do on a Saturday night.
Daphne: You know, the answer to our problems may be right under our noses.
Frasier: Yes Daphne, I think it is.
Daphne: All right. You go claim the washing machines, I'll go get the
laundry.
End of Act Two (Time: xx:xx)
Credits:
Noel sneaks into Roz's booth and leaves a present. He then sits
in her chair, which he falls off when Roz walks in and discovers
him.
Guest Callers - Laurie Piper - Marianne
Henry Mancini - Al
Elijah Wood - Ethan
Legal Stuff
This episode capsule is copyright 2000 by Nick Hartley & John
Masson. This episode summary remains property of Frasier, Copyright
of Paramount Productions and NBC. Printed without permission.
