Miracle On 3rd Or 4th Street Written by Christopher Lloyd
Directed by James Burrows
=====================================================================
Production Code: 01.12.
Original Airdate on NBC: xxx
Transcript written on February 2000.
Transcipt {john masson}
The Office Christmas Party
Act One, Scene A: KACL Radio Station. Frasier is finishing off his show,
while a lively party goes on in the corridor.
Frasier: (on air)Well, I'd like to take this opportunity to wish you the
very, very best of holidays. Like many of you, I'll be spending
the time in the loving embrace of my family - which should give
us all plenty to talk about in the new year. Meanwhile this is
Dr Frasier Crane, KACL 780, Talk Radio. (off air)
Roz enters.
Roz: Come on Frasier, there's a gin and tonic out there with my name
on it.
Bulldog enters.
Bulldog: You can tell Father Mike's had a few. He's trying to get everyone
to re-enact the Nativity scene.
Roz: (to Bulldog, as she exits) Well, we know who we could get to be
the ass.
Bulldog: GRRR. I'm wearing her down. (Frasier produces a christmas gift
from its hiding place) Who's that for?
Frasier: It's for Roz.
Bulldog: (reading the box) 'Amazing trick microphone, squirts water'.
Nice.
Frasier: It's a gag. We agreed not to exchange gifts.
Bulldog: Listen doc. I'm scheduled to do the noon to four on christmas?
Frasier: No.
Bulldog: But doc, my whole family's getting together in Chicago for the
first time in five years.
Frasier: I am touched, and I don't care.
Bulldog: But my, my, my sister and her new baby?
Frasier: Listen Bulldog, my son Frederick is flying in tomorrow afternoon
to spend the holidays with me. Now, I've never looked so forward
to a christmas since I was.. well, your size.
'Chopper' Dave comes in, yelling as usual.
Dave: DID YOU TELL HIM YET, BULLDOG?
Bulldog: Okay. You don't have to yell. You're not in the chopper giving
us a traffic report.
Dave: I WAS YELLING?
Bulldog: (gives up) Hey doc. You know ah, Bonnie Weams, right?
Frasier: Well, ah, I don't actually know her, but she does the auto
show, right?
Dave: RIGHT. Bonnie tends to drink a little more than she should at
these parties, so the newest on-air personality always drives her
home!
Bulldog: That's you, rookie.
Frasier: Well, that sounds like a good tradition, I'd be delighted to drive
her home.
Bulldog: And she'll be delighted to hear that.
Bulldog and Dave exit, giggling. Frasier follows them into the
corridor and helps himself to a glass of punch.
Elizabeth: (an elderly lady) Merry christmas, Dr Crane.
Frasier: Ohh, merry christmas, Elizabeth.
Elizabeth: I baked you some sugar cookies. (hands over box)
Frasier: Ohh, how sweet of you. Sweets from the sweet.
Elizabeth: Would you, by any chance, know who's driving Bonnie Weams home
tonight?
Frasier: Yes, I am. And maybe you can tell me why everyone...
Elizabeth: (to crowd) Hey, everybody! It's the doc! (the entire party starts
laughing. Bemused, Frasier goes back to the booth. Roz is there)
Frasier: Roz, would you mind telling me why everyone breaks into hysterics
whenever I say I'm driving Bonnie Weams home? (Roz bursts out
laughing) Oh, what is that?!
Roz: Well, Bonnie Weams is kind of an office legend. She gets a couple
of drinks under her belt, and she gets a little amorous, and she
will not take 'No' for an answer.
Frasier: Is that all? Well, I'm a big boy, I can take care of myself.
Roz: Okay.
Frasier: (picking up present) Now, listen Roz, Roz, now I know we promised
not to, but I couldn't help it, I was out shopping, and..
Roz: (really excited) Ohh, no. Don't worry Frasier, I couldn't
help myself either.
Frasier: Oh no, really?
Roz: Yes. (hands over gift)Merry christmas!
Frasier: Oh Roz, you shouldn't have. This is just..(opens present. It's an
expensive attache case) Oh Roz. Roz, you really shouldn't have.
Roz: Now it's my turn. (starts opening her gift)
Frasier: Oh, no no no. Maybe, you know, maybe you should just think about
ah.. keeping it under the tree.
Roz: Oh, me wait to open a christmas present?
Frasier: Yeah.
Roz: (opens box, but manages to fake enthusiasm for the gag gift) Oh
my god! It's great! It's great because I'm in radio!
Frasier: Ahh, that's what I was going for, yes.
Roz: Well, thanks a million, Frasier. (kisses him) Have a happy, happy
holiday and I'll see you next week.
Frasier: Okay. Merry christmas.
Roz: Merry christmas (leaves)
Bonnie: (a very attractive blonde, from doorway) Dr Crane?
Frasier: Yes?
Bonnie: I'm Bonnie Weams.
Frasier: Well. Hello. It's a uh, a pleasure to meet you. I'll be driving
you home tonight.
Bonnie: I'm sorry to put you out.
Frasier: Ohh, it's no problem at all. Tell you what, you just go, enjoy
the party, you let me know when you're ready to go.
Bonnie: (downs her shot in one) I'm ready now, baby. (puts Frasier over
her shoulder and carries him out)
Scene B: Frasier's Apartment. Niles is there, drinking eggnog. He puts his
glass down to clean a mark on his shoe. Eddie immediately takes
a few laps from it, sitting back down before Niles pick it up and
takes a sip. Frasier enters with a pile of presents.
Niles: Hello Frasier.
Frasier: Oh, hello Niles. Merry christmas. What do I owe this occasion?
Niles: Oh, nothing. Just stopped by to get an opinion on a gift I was
considering for Maris.
Daphne enters, wearing a tight, black cocktail dress.
Daphne: Well, it pinches a bit under the arms, but you be the judge. (does
a little twirl) Oh, hello Dr Crane.
Frasier: Daphne.
Daphne: (to Niles) Shall I put the little red one back on so you can make
your choice?
Frasier: I think Niles has all the information he needs, thank you.
Daphne: Fair enough. (leaves)
Niles: ..You know, Maris and Daphne are roughly the same size.
Frasier: Give or take a foot.
Martin enters
Martin: Hey, Frasier. Where've ya bin?
Frasier: Well I, after the christmas party I poured a colleague into a cab,
said a quick prayer for the driver, dislodged the wedgie of a
lifetime, then went on to do a little bit of last minute shopping.
Niles, some sherry?
Niles: Ah, thank you.
Frasier: You know, Santa is going to be very, very good to Frederick this
year.
Martin: Oh, by the way, Bulldog called a couple of times. He wanted to
know if you'd take his slot on christmas day.
Frasier: I already told him, no. How long will that man nag me? (Martin
heads towards the door with a cheap, plastic wreath) Dad, what
are you doing with that?
Martin: I'm gonna hang it on the front door, like I always do.
Frasier: But it's plastic.
Martin: (hanging it) Well, of course it's plastic. Do you think a real
one would've lasted since 1967?
Daphne enters, carrying the two cocktail dresses.
Daphne: Here you go. Ooh, I'm glad to be out of that black one. I had to
take me undies off just to get the zipper up. (Niles drops his
sherry glass) Oh dear, let me get that.
The phone rings. Martin answers.
Martin: (on phone) Hello. Oh, hi. (to Frasier) Frasier, it's for you.It's
the nag.
Frasier: Oh, lord. (on phone) Now, listen Bulldog, I already told you...
Oh. Hello, Lilith... Well, y'know, maybe ah I should take this
in the bedroom. (exits)
Martin: Niles? Everything's all set for tomorrow, right?
Niles: Yes, yes. Maris and I are driving up to the cabin tonight, we'll
expect you, Frasier and Frederick tomorrow around noon.
Daphne: Oh, I wish I was coming with you.
Niles: So do I.
Martin: (passing the phone, hearing Frasier and Lilith arguing) Oh, shut
the hell up, will ya? (puts phone back on hook)
Niles: Daphne. Daphne, you should come. We have the most wonderful
traditional christmas, it's an actual log cabin. With actual deer
grazing in the snow on our front yard. Of course, Maris fires off
her shotgun from time to time to scare them away from our garbage
but still, it's enchanting.
Martin: Yeah. You sure you can't come, Daph?
Daphne: No, I promised my Uncle Jackie I'd fly down to San Fransisco to
be with him.
Martin: Well, I guess you should be with your family at this time of year,
it's more traditional.
Daphne: Except that Jackie's a transvestite. Getting a bit long in the tooth
for it if you ask me. Thanksgiving he ate too much turkey and I
had to cut him out of his pantyhose.
Frasier returns.
Frasier: Well, merry christmas, everybody! Lilith isn't sending Frederick!
Martin: What? Why not?
Frasier: Well, apparently he has this once in a lifetime opportunity for
an incredible christmas. A friend of hers has rented a home in
Austria.
Martin: What's the matter with the good old USA?
Frasier: Well, apparently it's the same house that they filmed 'The Sound
Of Music' in, and that happens to be Freddie's favourite movie,
well, Julie Andrews is singing with the Saltzberg Choral, they're
having dinner with her afterwards, and some nonsense about a horse
driven sleighride through the snow, and a toboggan, and a balloon
trip through the Alps, and apparently on their way back they're
gonna spend an entire day at Euro-Disneyland!
Niles: ... Well, up at the cabin, there's an old stump that the local
children seem to enjoy kicking.
Martin: You know you have to let him go, don't you?
Frasier: Well, of course I have to let him go. Thank you for pointing out
that you know what's right.
Martin: Hey! I was just making sure that you did, that's all.
Frasier: Oh, how would I ever live without you?
Daphne: Now now, boys, that's enough. Dr Crane, you're being a good father,
letting Frederick go.
Niles: That's right. It doesn't have to ruin your christmas.
Martin: Yeah, c'mon. Let's finish decorating the christmas tree. I brought
up the good lights from the storage room.
Frasier: Oh, dad, y'know what, I don't want to use those lights this year.
I picked up these just yesterday. (brings out a box of lights)
Martin: Chilli peppers?
Frasier: Well, yes, they're very fashionable.
Martin: Chilli peppers aren't christmas.
Frasier: Well, for that matter, neither are scotch pines or snow ornaments.
For God's sakes, if you want to be technical, Bethlehem was in
the desert.
Martin: Fine. Why don't we decorate a palm tree?
Frasier: I don't need your sarcasm.
Martin: But I always use those lights.
Frasier: Dad, dad. This is my house, these are my decorations, just once,
could I have just one thing I wanted this christmas?
Martin: Hey, look. Wait a minute. I know you're upset about Freddie, but
don't take it out on me.
Frasier: Oh fine. now you're the psychiatrist?
Martin: Oh, I give up. Go ahead, decorate the thing. Use your chilli peppers!
Frasier: All right, I won't anymore!
Martin: Use 'em! Why don't.. maybe we could hang a few radishes, put a
nice brocolli on top!
Niles: I hope you two aren't going to be behaving this way up at the
cabin?
Frasier: Oh, we won't! Because I'm not going to the cabin!
Martin: What do you mean, you're not going to the cabin? Where the hell
are you going?
Frasier: I'm stayng right here.
Martin: Well, you can't stay alone on christmas. (by this time, Eddie has
his head under a cushion)
Frasier: I've decided to fill in for Bulldog. Somebody'll have a merry
christmas.
Martin: Well, merry christmas!
Frasier: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Martin: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Frasier: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Eddie pops his head out, decides it's still not safe, and sticks
it back under the cushion.
End of Act One (Time:x:xx)
Act Two, Scene A: Radio Station. Frasier and Roz enter the booth. Frasier
is wearing an old sweatshirt and jeans. Roz is wearing a very
large scowl.
Frasier: ...when I volunteered to work on christmas that I would ruin
your plans for the day, I.. please don't be mad.
Roz: Mad? What for? My mother just flew all the way in from Wisconstin
to be here with me today. But instead I'm back in this stinking
hellhole on christmas day, when only the lonliest and most depressed
people on the planet would EVER call in. But look, how nice you
made yourself look for me.
Frasier: Roz, try to see this thing from my position, I.. I couldn't see
my son, I had a terrible fight with my father, I was facing a
horrible christmas, and then I thought y'know, maybe if by trying
to help other people through their troubles it might get me through
mine, and I think if we really try hard, we can maybe have the
best christmas we've ever had. What to you say?
Roz: Okay. I'm not mad. Get ready.
Frasier: Oh, I need a hug, just to prove that we're still friends.
Roz: Frasier, I am not hugging you.
Frasier: Come on.
Roz: No, you're grungy.
Frasier: Come to papa.
Roz: All right! (hugs) We're friends. Now get ready, we're
on.
Frasier sits by the mic and gets ready. Roz cues him in.
Frasier: (on air) Merry Christmas Seattle! Yes, this is Dr Frasier Crane
coming to you on christmas day. Christmas, that very magical time
of the year, when each moment is as unique as a snowflake, never
to be recreated.
Roz bangs on the window.
Roz: I'm sorry Frasier, the news went over you. You're gonna have to
do that again.
Frasier: Merry Christmas Seattle!....
Time lapse.
Frasier: ...Well as we head into our second hour, I'd like to lighten things
up a bit, although Ned, we were certainly glad to hear from you,
and how you got mugged on your way home from the soup kitchen.
Roz, who's next?
Roz: We have Don on line five, he wants to tell us about the time he
was filled with the christmas spirit.
Frasier: It's about time! Hello Don.
Don: Hello, Dr Crane. Something happened the other day that sums up
why we call this the season of giving.
Frasier: Well then, swaddle me in christmas cheer.
Don: Okay. Well, you see, I was driving home from the gym, and I suddenly
realised I had left my favourite old pair of sneakers on the roof
of the car. So, I look back and there's this homeless guy, and
he'd already picked them up, and he's putting 'em on, so I just
thought, what the hell, and kept on driving.
Frasier: So your experience of the christmas spirit would be that you didn't
slam the car into reverse, speed back there, and rip a pair of
smelly old sneakers out of a homeless man's hand? Well Roz, this
is special, I think we've got Santa Claus himself on the line!
Time lapse.
Barry: (a caller who can't stop crying)...I'm sorry. That was the last
time. I'm okay now, I'm okay. (bursts into tears again) No, I'm
not!
Frasier: Barry, I've got to put you on hold for a bit, while you pull yourself
together, but please, please stay on the line, I'd really like to
help you.
Barry: It's alright, I think I've got a hold of myself..(starts crying)
Time lapse.
Gladys: ..so you see Dr Crane, I've fallen in the shower so many times,
they can't fit any more pins in my hip.
Frasier: Gladys, Gladys, ah listen, can I put you on hold for a second,
there's somebody else I have to check on? (switches lines) How's
it going there, Barry? (sounds of crying) My sentiments exactly.
Time lapse. By this time, Roz has her head on the desk
Tom: ..It still traumitizes me, Dr Crane. I wake up nights, and I remember
that christmas morning. I walked into my mothers bedroom, tears
running down my face, and I said 'Mommy. The puppy Santa gave me...
won't wake up.
Frasier: Okay, Tom. You win the prize for the saddest christmas story we've
heard today. Happy holidays. (off air. Sees Roz with her head down
and rushes in to her booth) Roz? Roz! Oh, have you been crying,
Roz?
Roz: (weeping) Just for the last hour.
Frasier: Ooh. Oh listen, why don't you just go home? Honey, I can take over
for the next two hours.
Roz: But you can't do this on your own.
Frasier: Oh, sure I can! Why don't you go home, be with your mom.
Roz: Wouldn't it be even be sadder? With you here all by yourself?
Frasier: I don't think that's possible.
Roz: Well, if you really mean it, I'll go.
Frasier: I mean it.
Roz: But Frasier, promise me one thing? Don't sit here and get more
depressed. You'll see your little boy again soon.
Frasier: I know I will.
Roz: Okay. Hug hug hug? (they hug. Roz bursts into tears again) Merry
christmas. (leaves)
Time lapse.
Frasier: (on air) Hi, we're back. Well, you know what? I, I realize it's
been a pretty tough day out there for most of you, and uh, I'd
like to hear now from someone who's having a good christmas. Ahhm,
you know, someone who's learned a way to beat the holiday blues.
Well, let's take our first call here. Hello, you're on the air.
Jeff: This is Jeff.
Frasier: Hello, Jeff! Well, merry christmas!
Jeff: Well merry christmas to you. I used to get depressed on christmas.
And then I found a sure fire way to beat it. I'd pop my favourite
movie, 'The Sound Of Music' in the VCR. Watching Julie Andrews
lead those adorable little tykes through the streets of Saltzberg,
nobody could be depressed, I mean nobody!
Frasier: ... Jeff, are you a betting man?
Time lapse.
Frasier: (on air) Well, we're just about out of time. My my, this day has
flown by. I'd like to wish all of you revellers out there a merry
christmas, and for the rest of you, why don't you go out and treat
yourself to something special. Personally, I'm going to go get
myself a meal at one of Seattle's fine eateries. I don't know where,
but I promise you one thing, it'll have a liquor license. Just
kidding. Don't drink and drive. This is Dr Frasier Crane, KACL
780 Talk Radio. (off air)
Miracle on Third Or Fourth Street
Scene B: A Diner. Through the window we see Frasier park his car. He gets
out and enters, taking a seat at the counter.
Waitress: (mechanically) Merry christmas. Welcome to Lou's.
Frasier: Thank you. I'm sure glad you're open, all the other places in town
are either closed or are all booked up.
Waitress: That's what makes us so special. I can bring you a menu, but almost
everybody's having the christmas platter. That's a turkey log with
mashed potatoes, then yule log for dessert.
Frasier: How much more appetizing food alway becomes when you add the word
'log'. (she stares at him) I'll just have the christmas platter.
Waitress: (she yells) PLATTER! (waking up the customer (Tim) sitting next
to Frasier )
Tim: How you doin'?
Frasier: Ok.
Tim: Are you havin' a merry christmas?
Frasier: Well, now that you ask, no I'm not. Can't be with my son, had a
terrible argument over something stupid with my father.. That's
why I'm alone. You about you?
Tim: Pretty good actually. Just yesterday, I was crossing the street,
and this beautiful pair of sneakers flew off the back of the car,
and landed on my feet!
Frasier: Merry christmas.
Waitress: (bringing him his platter) Here you go.
Frasier: Well, the chef didn't exactly dally over the Ray Moulain, did he?
Time lapse. Frasier has almost finished his meal. Tim is asleep
on his shoulder. A man (Bill) enters
Bill: Hey Tim. Merry christmas.
Tim: Hey Bill, same to you. Glad you could make it.
Bill: Well I wouldn't miss this. Hey, how's that turkey platter? Good
as last year's?
Frasier: I'm not sure this isn't last year's. Listen, I'm done here, why
don't you go ahead and take this seat?
Bill: Jeez, thanks pal
Frasier: You bet. (checks all his pockets and realizes) Ah, excuse me miss,
something rather embarressing has just happened, I seem to have
lost my wallet.
Waitress: You mean you can't pay!
Frasier: Oh no, I can pay, I can pay, I must have just left it at the office.
Waitress: Aha.
Frasier: Well I can just go back there and get it.
Waitress: Hmmn.
Tim: Hey Lou. It's all right. This one's on me.
Frasier: Oh no no no. You don't understand. You see, I..
Tim: It's ok, buddy, we've all been there.
Frasier: Yes, but you see, I really did misplace my wallet.
Tim: I know you did, and Bill here misplaced his Wall Street portfolio.
Here Bill, help me out. (starts a whip round)
Frasier: Oh no, You don't..
Tim: Hey everybody. People. C'mon, let's help the poor man get a nice
christmas dinner. Even pennies. It doesn't matter.
Frasier: Please, please, you don't understand. I make a very decent living.
I really do. This is not necessary. (Tim pays Lou the money that
Frasier owes) Well I must say I've never been so touched in my
life. To think that you people would give up your money, which
you can ill afford, to help out a fellow human being. I'm just
so embarressed.
Tim: Don't be embarressed. Look at it this way. The rest of the year
belongs to the rich people, with their fancy houses, (points to
Frasier's BMW) expensive foreign cars, but christmas? Christmas
belongs to guys like us.
Frasier: Right. Well, I never will forget this christmas. Thank you. Thank
you all.
Frasier leaves the diner and goes to his car, but turns to see
everyone in the diner waving at him. He waits until they turn
back and ducks down beneath the sill, to crawl into his car.
Waitress: (picking something from the floor) Hey. Somebody lose a set of
car keys?
Frasier crawls out of his car and enters the diner again. He begins
searching the floor for his keys.
Tim: Hey. We're not buying you dessert.
Frasier: No. No you see, I forgot.. I forgot ahh... to wish you a merry
christmas.
All: Merry christmas.
Tim: Hey Bud. Since you're here, (gives Frasier a dime) Go call your
old man.
Frasier: Thank you. I think I will. (leaves)
End of Act Two (Time: xx:xx)
Credits:
Frasiers' christmas tree, with all the presents underneath it.
Eddie tears the wrapping off one of them.
Guest Callers - Mel Brooks
Rosemary Clooney
Legal Stuff
This episode capsule is copyright 2000 by Nick Hartley & John Masson.
This episode summary remains property of Frasier, Copyright
of Paramount Productions and NBC. Printed without permission.
