Death Becomes Him Written by Leslie Eberhard
Directed by Andy Ackerman
=====================================================================
Production Code: 01.11.
Original Airdate on NBC: xxx
Transcript written on February 2000.
Transcript {john masson}
Act One, Scene A: Frasier's Apartment. Daphne and Niles come out of
the kitchen.
Daphne: No, really. I've never had a serious boyfriend. No-one's really
been interested.
Niles: Men can be such pigs. (starts making a swan out of the napkins
Daphne is sorting out)
Daphne: It's not that people weren't trying to fix me up. Back in Manchester
me mum was steering me toward Reginald Glower, the butchers son.
Pasty little thing. Never did take to him. I suppose I like my
gents more on the manly side. (Niles flattens the swan) Was
that a little swan you made?
Niles: No, it was a B-52.
Frasier comes in from the bedroom.
Frasier: Well, Dad's done it again. That was Dr Jennings office on the
phone. He's skipped his physical again today.
Daphne: Why, that little devil. No wonder he didn't want me to go with
him.
Niles: Frasier, you know Dad's intense aversion to doctors, you should
have seen that he got there.
Frasier: Yes, well I didn't see you volunteering this afternoon.
Niles: Well, I couldn't. I had my 'fear of abandonment' workshop today,
and I've already been a no-show twice.
Daphne: Wait 'til your father gets here, I'll give him such a piece
of my mind.
Eddie comes bounding out of the bedroom, bounces over the furniture
and sits by the door.
Frasier: If only we had some way of knowing if he was about to arrive.
Martin enters.
Martin: (to Eddie) Hey, how ya doin', boy? Yeah, glad to see you too.
Frasier: So. How was your exam today?
Martin: Oh, you know. Things pretty routine.
Frasier: EKG?
Martin: Perfect.
Niles: Blood pressure?
Martin: Textbook.
Frasier: Hope they took a full blood panel.
Martin: Oh yeah. Told them to take two. They're small.
Daphne: Ooh, let's give a look. (Martin rolls up his sleeve) Ooh, look
at this. A nice big Bandaid. (she rips it off his arm Nice try!
Martin: Ouch! What did you do that for?
Daphne: Dr Jennings' office called to reschedule your appointment. You
never showed up today.
Niles: Dad, this is ludicrous. Why do you keep avoiding the doctor?
Martin: Because I feel fine. I'll go to the doctor when I don't feel
fine. Besides I don't like Dr Jennings. He's got a model of a
colon on his desk, he keeps his tongue depressors in it.
Frasier: Well, all right dad, fine. If you don't like him, why don't
you go to see my doctor, she's one of the finest gastrointer-
ologists in this city.
Martin: She? Oh ho ho, no no. No way. If a doctor's gonna have me bend
over, I want to look through my legs and see wingtips.
Daphne: Now now, we'll have none of that. We women have been poked and
prodded my male doctors for centuries. I say it's high time
you gents went to see a doctor of the opposite sex. See how
you like waiting in that room - sitting there all naked and
helpless and goosebumpy.
Frasier: Niles, surely you could recommend someone? (Niles is staring
at Daphne, in a warm, happy world of his own) Niles!
Niles: I'm sorry, my mind was somewhere else. Rec.. OH! I know who you
should see - Dr Gary Newman. His office is in my building, he
has a very successful practice, I saw a Lichtenstein hanging
in his office.
Frasier: Ooh, Lichtenstein. He sounds perfect.
Martin: Alright. Alright. I'll make an appointment, I'll go see him.
Frasier: Oh, now just hang on a second there, mister. I will make the
arrangements and I will escort you personally.
Martin: Wonderful. I can't wait.
Daphne: Oh, stop grumbling. It won't be so bad. Well, unless you have
to parade around the office in one of those gown where your little
bum peeks through the back.
Frasier: So Niles, what's Dr Newman's number?... Niles. NILES?
Niles: I'm sorry, I must have drifted off again.
Scene B: Dr Newman's waiting room. Frasier and Martin are waiting, along
with an elderly lady.
Martin: My appointment was supposed to be half an hour ago, how much longer
are we gonna wait for this guy? C'mon Frasier, let's get out of
here.
Frasier: Dad, dad, just relax. Read a magazine. Oh, here, here. Take the
Cosmo quiz.
Martin: (reading) "Are you're nipples sensitive?"
Frasier: Would you mind doing that quitly, it's not an oral exam.
Martin: You haven't seen the second question. Did you used to keep your
patients waiting like this?
Frasier: Ohh, just the compulsives. It was part of their therapy. Relax
there, I'll take care of it. (goes to receptionists cubicle) Yes,
my father Martin Crane had an appointment thirty minutes ago?
Receptionist: Yes, I'm soory. The doctor's running a little late this morning,
but you'll be first up when he gets in.
Frasier: When he gets in? My God, where's he coming from, Spokane?
Receptionist: Actually he has a long drive in from his weekend house at
Lake Shalonne.
Frasier: Lake Shalonne? Ooh, this guy must be terrific! (goes back to
Martin)
Martin: So?
Frasier: Dad, relax. He'll be here any minute. (looking around) You know
dad, I was just struck by one of life's little ironies. I remember
you taking me to the doctor, and now here I am taking you.
Martin: Yeah. I remember when I took you for your first tetanus shot,
you were about five or six.
Frasier: Oh boy, was I scared. I remember you holding my hand.
Martin: Yeah. Bent over that table, dropped your little drawers. When
the nurse gave you the shot, you took your mind off it by reciting
the names of all of Puccinii's operas. Right then I knew you'd
never be a cop. Look, I'm serious. I'm not staying any longer,
let's go.
Frasier: All right dad, look, I'll check and see if there's someone
substituting for him.
Martin: (to lady) What are you here for?
Lady: Lately I've been having this overall sluggish feeling. It's hard
even getting out of bed in the morning. Not to mention the cold
weather. It's really making my joints hurt. I've started to notice
flaking spots on my skin. What about you?
Martin: (who wished he hadn't started this) I have sensitive nipples.
Frasier comes back. He is the bearer of bad news.
Frasier: Dad? I'm afraid the doctor won't be able to make your appointment
today.
Martin: Oh, that's just great. These big shot doctors, they keep you waiting
for an hour and then they don't even have the decency to show
up! What, play a little slow on the golf course today? That arrogant,
inconsiderent jerk!
Frasier: Dad, dad, dad. Dr Newman is dead. He died an hour ago.
Martin: I'm sure he was a good man.
Well, I'm Lousy At Tennis...
Scene C: The Radio Studio.
Frasier: I mean, there he was, walking down his walkway this morning and,
he bends over to pick up his newspaper and BANG! he drops dead
of a heart attack. It's just.. God, you know? I pick up my newspaper
every day. And the Sunday Times is very heavy, I'm thinking of
cancelling.
Roz: Well? These things happen.
Frasier: 'These things happen'? Roz, how can you say that? My God, this
was not an old man, he was my age.
Roz: What am I supposed to say? I guess I don't think of these things
like you do. Guess it's because you're forty-one and I'm (laughs)
not.
Frasier: Don't you ever think about you're own mortality? Don't you ever
think about dying?
Roz: Well, not me dying, but you know what I have thought about lately?
I've been dating this older guy, and.. what if... you know...
(Frasier doesn't) We were in bed together and he dropped dead?
Well it's not out of the realm of possibility. Sometimes he starts
breathing very funny and I don't know if he's having a good time
or if I've overexcited him to some dangerous level.
Frasier: Someone certainly has a very high opinion of herself.
Roz: Everybody's good at something.
Frasier: Why is it that whenever we try to have a serious discussion, we
end up talking about your sex life?
Roz: Because I have one.
A Family Meeting
Scene D: Frasier's Apartment. Martin and Daphne are there. Frasier opens
the door for Niles.
Frasier: Niles, thank you so much for coming at such short notice.
Niles: Hello dad, Daphne.
Daphne: Hello, Dr Crane.
Niles: Yes, I came as soon as I could, I was in the middle of my workout,
but, can always pump iron later.
Daphne: Well, I'll just pop into the kitchen and fix us a snack.(exits)
Frasier: (taking a large folder over to the table) Pump iron. Niles, you
don't even pump your own gas.
Niles: All right, all right. Now what is all this nonsense about getting
your affairs in order?
Frasier: Well, it's this Dr Newman dying at such a young age really threw
me for a loop. I was trying to figure out why, and I finally
realised that I hadn't made the proper provisions for my own death.
Daphne: (entering with a bowl and a jar of peanuts) Here we go. (She has
trouble opening the jar)
Niles: Oh. Here. Allow me. (takes the jar but has even less success)
Frasier: First, the pertinent information. I've prepared copies for each
of you. The location and numbers of my bank accounts; (Niles is
still struggling with the jar) my safety deposit keys; the number
for my attorney.. Niles, what are you doing? Oh, give me that!
(takes jar and opens it)
Niles: (to Daphne) I loosened it for him.
Frasier: Now, the distribution of my personal possesions.
Daphne: Oh, I really think this is a matter for family only.
Frasier: No, no Daphne, please, I'd like you to stay. I'll come to you
later. Dad, Niles, I'd like you to put your names on these stickers,
(hands them over) and place them on any object you'd like bequeathed
to you.
Martin: This is crazy. I'm not going to start puting my name on your stuff.
Frasier: Dad, what happens if I die tomorrow, you and Niles end up in an
argument about.. well, that African mask, for instance?
Martin: It'll never happen. Niles, you can have it.
Niles: I don't want it.
Daphne: Well don't look at me. I throw a towel over that thing when you're
not home.
Frasier: Okay. Fine. Now we come to the issue of... my remains.
Martin: Oh, jeez.
Frasier: I've arranged every detail in this easy to read binder. (gives
binder to Martin)
Martin: Oh, this is taking it too far, would you look at this? (reads)
'Burial'; 'Casket'; 'Caterers'?
Niles: Who are you using?
Frasier: Michaelson's.
Niles: Oh, they're very good. Excellent. (they start discussing the wonder
that is Michaelson's. Martin trys to get a word in)
Martin: Excuse me. Excuse me! Are we about done?
Frasier: Well there is just one more duck to put in the row. I've done
some research and I've discovered that most unexpected deaths
occur in the home. And Daphne, this is where you come in, the
actual finding of the body.
Daphne: Ooh, save the best part for me, eh? Well, that's all right. I'm
a health care provider. I've had my fair share of patients die
on me.
Martin: That's a comfort.
Frasier: Well, perhaps dad's right. Maybe we should just drop the subject.
Well, thank you. This meeting has actually made me feel better,
I think I can handle my mortality a bit better now. Well, enough
talk about death. Let's celebrate life with a bottle of Chateau
Certair '75
Niles: Oh, no not the '75, I can't let you do that, that's far too good
for the likes of us.
Frasier: Well, perhaps a bottle of Beaujolais Neuvo would be more appropriate.
Niles takes the bottle of '75 and puts a sticker on it.
End of Act One (Time:x:xx)
Act Two, Scene A: Frasier's Apartment. Frasier is lying on the couch with
his fingers in his ears. Eddie is watching him. Martin enters.
Martin: Eddie? Ah, there you are. C'mon boy. Frasier, what are you still
doing up? (no answer) Frasier!
Frasier: Dad, please, shhh. I'm trying to listen to my heartbeat. Amazing
thing, the human heart, you know it can pump eighteen hundred
gallons of blood through it each and every day, but the tiniest
tear in the tiniest part of the tiniest artery and 'poof', you're
gone.
Martin: I thought you were all okay about this stuff now.
Frasier: Oh, so did I. What is the matter with me? I guess I thought that
putting my affairs in order would help me to deal with this thing,
but it hasn't. I.. I can't seem to get over the feeling that no
matter how remote the possibility, something could happen to me.
Jeez, I'd miss so much. I's never get to see my son hit is first
home run.. It'd be a terrible thing for a father to miss.
Martin: Tell me about it. Look son, let me tell you something. There was
this time, a while back, seven or eight of us were on this drug
bust. We get the order to go through the front door, and the first
guy took one. He was dead before he hit the ground. When you're
a cop, you've got to be able to handle things like that, but I..
I just couldn't get over it. Every time I had to in a blind alley,
or in a dark building, I just froze. And I knew if I kept being
afraid to die, I'd never be able to do my job.
Frasier: So what did you do?
Martin: I just forced myself to forget about it.
Frasier: Just like that?
Martin: Just like that. Next time I came across one of those doors, I
went right through it.. The fact that I got shot in the hip was
purely coincidental.
Frasier: You were this close to helping me there, dad.
Martin: Look Frasier, just because some doctor dies doesn't mean you're
gonna die.
Frasier: Yes, but he was just like me. Highly educated, sophisticated, at
the top of his profession; I saw a picture of him in a medical
journal, he even looked like me. Same determined chin, sweatered
vest and ever so slightly receding hairline.
Martin: Look, what do you know about this guy? You don't even know his
medical history.
Frasier: Actually you're on to something there dad, yeah. Yeah. For all
I know he could have had high blood pressure, popped pills, drank
like a fish.
Martin: There you go, It could have been any of those things.
Frasier: I'm gonna find out what caused his heart attack. That's the only
way I can disassociate myself from him. There's got to be some
reasonable explanation. (heads towards bedroom) That's great dad.
Actually, I do feel better now.
Martin: Frasier, you've got something on your bathrobe.
Frasier: (discovers it's a sticker) Niles. The vultures are circling.
Krugel, Fras, And Allen
Scene B: Dr Newman's House. All his family are there. The door is open,
Frasier: Hello? Hello. (he attracts the attention of one of the guests)
I called earlier, someone said Mrs Newman would be here?
Allen: Oh, of course, please come in. I'm Alan Freedman. Gary was my
cousin.
Frasier: Dr Frasier Crane. My sincerest condolences. So, I didn't think
Mrs Newman would have company.
Allen: Oh, the family are sitting Shiva.
Frasier: Excuse me?
Allen: You're not jewish, are you? It's our version of a wake.
Frasier: Oh. oh yes. Oh, of course, of course. I didn't realise that Gary
was jewish, you see.
Allen: You're kidding.
Frasier: Uh, well no. Ah, well, you know, we were pretty close friends,
spent a lot of time together, well never on Friday nights, of
course, but ah, You know, maybe I should come back another time.
Allen: No no, please. I'm sure Julie'd love to know that you came. She's
right over there. (points)
Frasier: Oh, she looks busy. I can wait.
Allen: Of course. If you'll excuse me? (goes back to table)
Frasier notices a black drape hanging over a frame, and lifts it
to discover a mirror underneath.
Bobbie: May I help you?
Frasier: Ah. I didn't realise this was a mirror, I thought that maybe you
were having an unveiling later.
Bobbie: You're not jewish, are you?
Frasier: No, no. My, my ex-wife is though, and ah, so, and thus my son is,
which makes me, ah, sort of, well I guess you could say.. (gives
up) no, I'm not jewish.
Bobbie: We always cover mirrors at a Shiva. So those greiving don't have
to be concerned with their own appearances.
Frasier: Ahh. Ah well, you look very nice.
Bobbie: (relieved) Oh, thank you. It's been driving me crazy. I'm Bobbie.
Gary's aunt.
Frasier: Dr Frasier Crane. My deepest sympathies.
Bobbie: You're the doctor with the radio show, aren't you?
Frasier: Yes, yes.
Bobbie: Did you know Gary well?
Frasier: Well, yes. Yes, yes I did. Well I, there's so much more I wanted
to know about the man. You see, ah.. well oh, I don't know, ah..
How was his health before he died?
Bobbie: Excellent. He was never sick.
Frasier: History of heart disease?
Bobbie: Oh, no.
Frasier: High blood pressure?
Bobbie: No.
Frasier: High chloresterol?
Bobbie: No.
Frasier: Do you know what his HDL was in comparison to his LDL?
Bobbie: No.
Frasier: I'm sorry. I'm asking too many questions. You know how doctors
are, always looking for the answers to the mysteries of life.
A woman enters, carrying a cake. She's been crying. Bobbie greets
her.
Bobbie: Oh, Gail.
Gail: Aunt Bobbie. (they hug)
Bobbie: I know, I know. Gail, I'd like you to meet a friend of Gary's.
Dr Frasier Crane.
Gail: Dr Crane? From the radio?
Frasier: Yes. I'm sorry for your loss.
Gail: I love your show. Oh, I.. I'm sorry about this, it's just ah,
when I went to pick up this lindser tort I thought of Gary and..
Frasier: So? So Gary had a fondness for fattening desserts, did he?
Gail: Oh. You didn't know Gary very well, did you? If he knew I brought
this here, he'd kill me.
Allen: Yeah, Gary was a total health fanatic, a strict vegetarian. I used
to play basketball with him every Sunday.
Frasier: Oh. Oh so he was seditary all week, then he was burning up the
court on Sundays. Well, that can be very straining on the heart,
you know..
Bobbie: No, he played at least four times a week. That is when he wasn't
at the gym working out.
Gail: Gary was in phenomenal shape.
Bobbie: He didn't smoke, never touched caffiene..
Allen: Did you know he had less than 10 percent body fat on him?
Frasier: My goodness. Has anybody checked to see if he's really dead? (this
does not go down well) I'm sure they did check, those people are
very thorough. Oh my, is that Krugul? Excuse me. (escapes. He
wanders round the room, offering his condolences to people and
finds himself standing beside Mrs Newman) I'm Dr Frasier Crane,
I was a friend of your husbands.
Mrs Newman: Dr Crane? From..?
Frasier: Yes, the radio.
Mrs Newman: Gary never mentioned you.
Frasier: Well, we weren't actually friends. He had an office in my brothers
building.
Mrs Newman: And you took the time to come down here. His own partner didn't
even stay fifteen minutes. That's really sweet of you.
Frasier: Well, actually I.. There's a reason I came to talk with you.
Mrs Newman: Which is?
Frasier: It's about Gary. About how he, err..
Mrs Newman: Yes?
Frasier: (realises this is a bad idea) Look, I'm sorry I've bothered you.
Ah, I really just came to offer my sympathies.
Mrs Newman: Oh, no wait. Umm, Dr Crane? I listen to you all the time, and
uh, well maybe you can help me? What would you tell someone who
called in the show and said they can't get over why someone died?
I keep runnning this over and over in my mind and.. I just can't
understand how someone like Gary, who did everything right, can
just die. I can't make any sense of it.
Frasier: Mrs Newman, I.. I know you'd like me to come up with some grand
answer to this whole thing, but I, I don't have one. There are..
someone who consumes nothing but cigarettes and cheeseburgers all
his life can live to be eightythree, and someone who takes care
of himself can die at fortyone. It's unfair. Believe me, there's
no explanation for it. Believe me, I've checked. But, I suppose
the best we can do is live for the little joys and surprises life
affords us. You can't spend your life being obsessed with death.
Mrs Newman: You're not jewish, are you?
Frasier: No. No I'm not. Well, thank you for letting me be here today.
Mrs Newman: Oh, thank you for coming, Dr Crane.
He starts to leave.
Bobbie: Oh, Dr Crane? It was very nice what you said about living life
for the litle joys and surprises it can give us.
Frasier: Yes.
Barbie: Thank you.
Frasier: (goes to door) If only I believed it myself.
Woman: Excuse me? Umm, this is clearly the most inappropriate thing I've
ever done in my life but, I was watching you and umm, I don't know
if I'll ever get the chance to see you again and something about
you tells me that I'd like to. Here. (give him her card) If you'd
like to get together sometime, give me a call. (leaves)
Frasier leaves, his spirits lifted.
End of Act Two (Time: xx:xx)
Credits:
Daphne is folding some ironing, looking very uncomfortable. She
takes a towel from the basket and throws it over the African mask.
Legal Stuff
This episode capsule is copyright 2000 by Nick Hartley & John Masson.
This episode summary remains property of Frasier, Copyright
of Paramount Productions and NBC. Printed without permission.
