Oops Written by Denise Moss &
Sy Dukane
Directed by James Burrows
=====================================================================
Production Code: 1.10.
Original Airdate on NBC: xxx
Transcript written on January 2000.
Transcript {john masson}
Heard It Through The Grapevine
Act One, Scene A: Cafe Nervosa. Frasier and Niles are there.
Niles: ...so, I just had to get out of the house. Maris's junior league
are rehearsing their spring musical - This year they're doing
'Cats'. The past week and a half I've been watching two dozen
underweight, tightly pulled woman in leotards crawling round
the music room, meowing. I'm telling you Frasier, my allergies
are acting up.
Frasier: Oh Niles, I think you're exaggerating.
Niles: No. No, really. You've no idea how vivid the experience is. As
God is my judge, I swear, Mrs Presley-Bismuth was scent marking
the divan.
Frasier: God. You'd think women of that age would choose more suitable
material. Remember the last show they did? 'The Sound Of Music'?
My God. Half the Von Trapp children were having hot flushes.
Roz enters with 'Chopper' Dave and Teddy, a technician.
Roz: Hi, Frasier, Niles.
Niles: Let me guess. The wacky gang from the office?
Frasier: (making introductions) Everyone, this is my brother Niles. This
is Teddy, one of our brilliant engineers..
Teddy: (shaking hands)Niles.
Niles: Teddy! My man!
Frasier: This is KACL's inimitable 'Chopper' Dave. Your Eye in the Sky
for traffic.
Dave: (loudly) NICE TO MEET YOU NILES!
Niles: (to Frasier) Why is this man yelling?
Dave: Oh, was I yelling? Oh god, I was yelling again, wasn't I? I'm
sorry, talking over the blades, you know? Whoomp Whoomp Whoomp
Whoomp Whoomp Whoomp.
Niles: This has been kind of fun, ah, but I really have to go. I'm
conducting a seminar on multiple personality disorders, and it
takes me forever to fill out the name tags. (leaves)
Frasier: Well, KACL team, what is on the agenda for today?
Roz: Sit down and listen to this. I got a juicy piece of news, and
it's reliable. Alan in accounting got it from Steven in promotions,
who got it from Sindy in retail sales, who got it from Arlene
the station managers secretary, that the station is definitely
way over budget, and somebody's getting the axe. But don't tell
anybody, I was sworn to secrecy.
Frasier: Roz, I'm ashamed of you! Gossip, gossip gossip. Don't you know
how destructive that can be? It does nothing but sully good
people's names and create an atmosphere of suspicion and mistrust.
Roz: Oh, lighten up. Gossip is the life blood of the corporate world.
If it wasn't for gossip, we wouldn't know any of the important
things, like how much everybody makes.
Frasier: You know my salary?
Dave: No-one's salary's a secret around here!
Bulldog enters, squeezing a pair of handgrips.
Bulldog: 94, 95, 96, 97..
Teddy: Hey, Bulldog. How's it going?
Bulldog: Great. 98, 99, 100. New high for me.
Roz: Squeezing or counting?
Bulldog: (barks at Roz, then goes to counter) Java to go.
Dave: YOU KNOW WHO I THINK'S GETTING DUMPED? FATHER MIKE FROM 'RELIGION
ON THE LINE'.
Roz: No way. Station loves him. Just gave him a big bonus.
Bulldog: (still at counter, starts going through his pockets) Hey. Where's
my tickets to the Sonics game? They were here just a second ago.
SOMEBODY JUST STOLE MY TICKETS TO THE SONICS GAME! THIS STINKS!
THIS IS TOTAL B.S! THIS IS.. oh, got 'em. Got 'em.
Roz: Hey. You guys don't think it's Bulldog who's getting canned?
Teddy: Could be.
Frasier: Oh, No no no no. He's the station's highest rated personality.
I mean with the exception of women 35 to 54 who happen to think
that I'm.. sort of a god.
Teddy: But he has been in that salary beef with management.
Roz: And I heard him screaming at business affairs for putting his
expense account on hold.
Dave: OH YEAH, BULLDOG'S OUT! (the others motion him to keep quiet
as Bulldog walks past)
Bulldog: Hey. Have you heard about my new gimmick for the show? If the
Seahawks beat Buffalo this Sunday, I promise to do my entire
show hanging by my feet.
Frasier: You can do that?
Bulldog: Oh sure. Practiced all morning. The real trick is drinking coffee.
I keep burning my eyes. Hey Dave. Want my tickets to the Sonics
Game tonight?
Dave: THANKS! WHY AREN'T YOU GOING?
Bulldog: Ah, station manager wants to see me after work.(leaves)
Dave: \
Roz: Oooh.
Teddy: /
Frasier: Oh people, people. You're jumping to conclusions. Show a little
respect. Bulldog has devoted 15 years of his life to radio. My
own personal feelings aside, the man deserves better than to
become the object of some scurrilous rumour that has yet hasn't
a shred of truth to it.
Roz: Yeah. I suppose you're right.
Frasier: Yes, well. Just in case, I've got dibs on his parking space.
(leaves)
Did I Do That?
Scene B: Radio Station.
Roz: Dr Crane, we have Don on his carphone. He's having a problem
with his weight.
Frasier: Don, it's a common problem. I'm listening.
Don: Ahh, it's the screwiest thing, Doc. I eat healthy, I work out.
But no matter what I do, I can't lose a pound, it's very depressing.
Frasier: Yes, well, losing weight can be a life long struggle. It takes
a commitment. Now, if you're ready to accept that, there are
a number of things I can suggest...
Waitress: (in background) May I take your order, please?
Frasier: Uh Don, what was that?
Don: Ahh, ohh nothing. It was the radio. Go ahead, you were talking.
Frasier: Don..? Where are you?
Don: I'm just driving around.
Waitress: Please, speak into the clown's mouth.
Frasier: Don..?
Don: Sorry Dr Crane. (imitates static)I'm going to lose you. I'm
going into a tunnel. Goodbye.
Frasier: Yes, and the light at the end of that tunnel is a heat lamp
over a large order of fries. We'll be right back after the news.
(off air)
Roz: Hey Frasier, I've got to run up to payroll, be back in five.
Frasier: Okay. (he steps into the corridor, where he meets Father Mike)
Oh, hi Father Mike.
Mike: Oh, hello Frasier.
Frasier: How you doing?
Mike: Say, I just heard a rumour that somebody 'round here is being
let go. Do you know anything about that, because to tell you
the truth, I'm afraid it might be me.
Frasier: Oh Father, Father. You should better than to put any stock in
idle office gossip.
Mike: I know, I know. But it's hard not to. My numbers have been down
lately, they keep changing my timeslot. I'm really bummed.
Frasier: Well, listen Father. I don't like to engage in gossip, but you
have nothing to worry about.
Mike: Yes? Why?
Frasier: Well, someone is being let go..
Mike: Oh?
Frasier: But ahh, it's not you. It's Bulldog.
Mike: Bulldog? Ohh, what a shame.
Frasier: Yes.
Mike: Has anybody spoken for his parking space?
Frasier: Well I have, yes.
Frasier goes back into the booth to find that Bulldog has been
standing behind the door, and has heard every word.
Bulldog: So I'm a goner, huh?
Frasier: Bulldog. Well, how long have you been...?
Bulldog: Long enough to know I'm the one who's out. (starts banging head
on table) I knoew it, I knew it, I knew it! Dammit! Now I know
why Ned Miller wants to see me after work. It's to can my butt.
I mean, why else would he be willing to miss happy hour at El
Pocino's, the man's a total boozer!
Frasier: Now, now now now now, Bulldog listen, this is just a rumour.
You know how out of the loop I am.
Bulldog: Oh yeah. And after all I've done for this lousy station, this
is how they repay me? Well that's it! Nobody fires Bob Briscoe!
I'll quit first.
Frasier: Now, now now. Don't do anything rash. Now listen, I suggest
you try to vent your anger first. (Bulldog grabs the mic and
rips it in two) Well. There. Way to go. Now, on your way.
Bulldog: You're damn right. (he leaves, as Roz returns)
Roz: Hey, Bulldog.
Bulldog: No time to talk, slim, I'm off to war. (he returns to the booth
and kisses Roz) Wait for me. (leaves again)
Roz: Ohhh! (to Frasier) What was that?
Frasier: Bulldog's quitting.
Roz: Why?
Frasier: Well, because Ned Miller is firing him.
Roz: Who told you that?
Frasier: You did.
Roz: That was just a rumour. You didn't tell him that, did you?
Frasier: I didn't mean to, he overheard me.
Roz: Oh, God!
Frasier: What? C'mon, you guys were so positive, the expense account
thing, the meeting with management at five?
Roz: That meeting was to discuss taking his show national, don't
you know anything that goes on around here?
Frasier: Apparently not!
Roz: Well don't just stand there. Go call his secretary, she'll stop
him before he gets in.
Frasier: I don't believe this, this is incredible, (on phone) Yes, hello
hello Arlene, Arlene, yes listen. Bob Briscoe's about to jump
into the office and...oh. (replaces phone) God, he's already
burst into the office with Miller. Oh god, this is a disaster.
Roz: Maybe not. Maybe not, maybe before Bulldog starts anything Miller
will tell him what the meeting was really about.
Frasier: Well I, I suppose you're right. For all we know they're maybe
having a good laugh about this right now.
Cut to station manager's point of view. Bulldog is in his face,
barking and snarling, so we can't make out the words.
Roz: Grab that mic. We're out of the news in one minute.
(Bulldog returns)
Bulldog: I did it! I scorched him! (laughs manically) You should have
seen the look on his face. Oh, I even told him about the time
his wife came on to me at the Christmas party. I said there
wasn't enough liquor in the world to make me sleep with that
porker!
Frasier: You said that to Ned Miller?
Bulldog: Yes! Yeah. He even took a swing at me. I gave him a little okey
dokey and he hit air!
Frasier: My god, the man tried to strike you? Listen Bulldog..
Bulldog: Hey, hey! No sudden moves, doc. I'm still too pumped. I feel
like poppin' someone. (he leaves)
Frasier: My god, my god, this is unbelievable. (to Roz) A man has quit
his job just because of a rumour that you spread.
Roz: Me?! The whole point of gossip is to talk behind the persons
back, not in front of him. I didn't realise you were unclear on
this concept.
Frasier: I'm a bad, bad man. (hangs head in shame)
Roz: Well Frasier, you have got to do something. You gotta call Ned
Miller and get this whole thing cleared up.
Frasier: Oh, right. Call Ned Miller. Clear this thing up. The man is
totally unstable, he tried to take a swing at me the day he
hired me.
'Chopper' Dave comes in, shouting as usual.
Dave: OOH, JUST HEARD A HOT RUMOUR! BULLDOG QUIT!
Frasier: No kidding.
Dave: KEEP IT UNDER YOUR HAT! VERY HUSH HUSH! (leaves)
End of Act One (Time:x:xx)
One Dog Night
Act Two, Scene C: Frasier's Apartment. Martin opens the door for Niles.
Martin: Niles, what brings you here?
Niles: (carrying a dead plant)Well, I was hoping Daphne could take a
look at this plant. I bought it for Maris but it unaccountably
turned against her. I though Daphne was the perfect person to
nurse it back to health with her soft, sensual hands and her
loving.. manner. Is she here?
Martin: No, she stepped out. I don't know when she'll be back.
Niles: Well, I'm off. (goes towards door)
Martin: What, hey. You can stay. I haven't seen you for a while, you
can visit.
Niles: Well, yes we could, couldn't we? (sits. There are a few moments
of silence) ...So, how are ya?
Martin: Fine. You?
Niles: Fine.... She's fine.
Martin: ...Pickle?
Niles: No thanks.
Martin: ...Look Niles, if you just came to see Daphne, you don't have
to stay.
Niles: Dad, I can't believe you would say that. To your own son. I
am deeply insulted. Here I wanted to have some time with you
but now I'm so upset I'll have to leave. (heads towards door
again, just as Daphne enters)
Daphne: Oh, hello Dr Crane. Staying for dinner?
Niles: Yes, love to. (gives plant to Daphne) Daphne, I had the fervent
hope that you could coax this back to life. It's one of Maris's
favourites.
Daphne: My goodness, what did she do to it?
Niles: Nothing. Just loved it.
Frasier enters.
Frasier: God. Can you believe this weather?
Martin: Oh, Frasier. I'm glad your home. What happened to Bulldog?
Frasier: (panicstricken) Who told you?
Martin: Nobody told me anything. I turned into the 'Gonzo Sports Show'
today like I always do, and they had Father Mike filling in.
I hate that. All it was was 'Notre Dame, Notre Dame, Notre Dame'.
Frasier: Yes, well, Bulldog tended his resignation.
Martin: Ohh, no. Why would he do that? He's the top sports guy in town.
Frasier: Well, y'know, things just go funny sometimes. It's a tough business,
this radio game, y'know.
Daphne: Dr Crane, I'm picking up something from you. You're shrouded
in an aura of guilt.
Frasier: ....Maybe I am.
Niles: Daphne, that's fantastic. Do me, do me.
Daphne: No, I'm on to something here. (to Frasier) You actually think
you're responsible for Bulldog losing his job.
Martin: Frasier?
Frasier: All right, all right. Ahh, there was a rumour going round the
station that Bulldog was going to get sacked, and then.. I was
repeating it to someone and he overheard me and flew off the
handle, went up and quit his job. In the end it turned out that
the rumour wasn't true. (to Daphne) Of course, you already knew
that, didn't you?
Niles's phone rings.
Niles: Oh. Excuse me. (answers phone) Hello? Maris.. Maris? What's
wrong? It's all right.. No, no. Everything's going to be...
Oh, dear.(puts phone back in pocket) Sorry, I have to go. Maris
is despondent. They've kicked her out of the cast of 'Cats'.
Daphne: Why?
Niles: She couldn't remember the words to 'Memory'. (leaves)
Martin: Now listen here Frasier, if you're responsible for Bulldog losing
his job, you're going to make this right. You gotta go down to
that station and talk to the boss and get him his job back.
Frasier: Well that's a little easier said than done. Ned Miller is the
most intimidating, heartless, mean spirited man I've ever had
the misfortune to meet.
Daphne: And he cheats on his wife.. (realises) My goodness, I'm on today.
Martin: So you're selling Bulldog down the river just 'cos you don't
have the guts to go and face this guy?
Frasier: No, no. For all we know this might just be the best thing that
ever happened to him. You know, he's always talking about how
he should be in a larger market, like Los Angeles, or New York...
(Eddie starts pawing at the front door) Eddie, scoot. Scat.
(Frasier opens the door to find Bulldog standing there, bag
over his shoulder, very sad and despondent) Oh lord.
Bulldog: Hiya, Doc.
Frasier: Well, what are you doing, just standing there?
Bulldog: ..I don't know. I was trying to decide whether or not I should
bother you. See, my life is kinda over, but you got company,
so I'll go.
Frasier: No, no no no no. Come in, come in, It's just family. This is
my dad and Daphne Moon.
Martin: Hey, Bulldog. You're soaking wet.
Bulldog: Yeah, I been wandering around the streets for the last few hours.
Martin: I heard what happened.
Bulldog: You haven't heard the half of it. My girlfriend threw me out.
She said the only reason she was with me was because I was on
the radio. Can you believe that? Eight years we've been together.
I loved that woman. Even when I was tomcatting around, I loved
that woman. God. That job was my life, and now I've been blackballed
in this business, and all because of my stupid temper. (picks
up a piece of African art) What is this, anyway?
Frasier: Oh, that's an exceedingly rare fertility symbol from a small
nomadic tribe in Ghana.
Bulldog: I guess when they were passing out equipment, this guy was in
the back of the line. (slams it down on the table) Anyway, I
might as well face it, I'm just a loser, I'm a zero, I'm nothing,
a hasbeen..
Martin: Pickle? (Bulldog accepts)
Daphne: Now, I'm not familiar with your work meself, but Mr Crane often
puts off his nightly bath just so he can hear your show.
Martin: Oh yeah. You're the greatest, Bulldog. If you weren't on the
radio, I wouldn't have a radio.
Bulldog: That's a nice thing to say. Now I know why your son is such
a great guy. (Martin and Daphne turn to stare at Frasier) I've
bothered you people enough. I better go. The good rooms at the
'Y' fill up early. (Martin and Daphne stare at Frasier again)
Frasier: Wait. Bulldog, I can't let you leave like this. (goes into his
pocket) Here's a twenty. (Martin glares at him) Oh, all
right. Wht don't you just spend the night, you can take the couch.
Bulldog: Wow. You'd do that for me?
Frasier: Why sure, what's the point of having an expensive suede couch
if you can't have a bunch of people crashing on it?
Bulldog: Thanks, Doc. Hey, I hope it's okay, but I could really use a
hot shower.
Frasier: Oh sure, sure.
Daphne: Down the hall, second door on the left. Towels are in the cabinet.
Bulldog exits down the corridor. Martin and Daphne go back to
staring at Frasier.
Frasier: Now, you two leave me alone. This is not my fault. Look, I am
not responsible for Bulldog going up there and popping off to
the boss. You can stare at me 'til you're blue in the face, I'm
not going to see Ned Miller. (Eddie joins in the staring. Frasier
knows he's beat) Oh all right! I'll go down to the station, I
will talk to the monster on the sixth floor and futilely attempt
to get a man back his job that I don't even care for, and in
the process I will probably end up spitting out my teeth like
chicklets. Is there anything else I can do for you? (Eddie barks)
Daphne: Oh. If you're going by the market, we're low on dog-food.
It's Miller Time
Scene D: Ned Miller's ofice. He's hanging a picture as Frasier knocks
on the door.
Miller: What? What!
Frasier: (entering) Mr Miller..
Miller: Oh, it's you. Crane.
Frasier: Look, I don't mean to disturb you, but Arlene wasn't at her
desk..
Miller: I had to let her go. A lot of stuff she's been doing lately's
been ticking me off.
Frasier: If this is a bad time..?
Miller: No, it's a perfect time, I need you to hold this. (indicating
picture) C'mon. Now!
Frasier takes the painting and holds it to the wall as Miller
stands back.
Frasier: Okay, how's this?
Miller: I'd love to tell you, but your big head's in the way. (Frasier
crouches down to get out of the line of view) Ah, put it down.
(he lowers the painting to reveal a large hole in the wall)
Frasier: Oh my lord! What happened here?
Miller: Oh, that psycho Bulldog and I got into it this afternoon. He
threw my Golden Mic at me!
Frasier: (looking at hole) And he did that with your little trophy?
Miller: No, he just chipped the paint with the trophy, I did that with
his head!
Frasier: Ah, that's ah, sort of why I'm here.
Miller: Drink?
Frasier: No. No thank you, Mr Miller. Um, I know that Bulldog was up
here, and he said some.. pretty regrettable things to you.
Miller: I'll say he said some things. You wanna here them? I tape
everything in this office.
Frasier: ..Well anyway, ah, A lot of what he said was ah, was my fault,
you see. Well, you see, I heard a rumour that ah, management
was thinking about lightening the load a bit. Well, I heard
it was Bulldog that was gonna get sacked and I.. I was repeating
the rumour to someone and Bulldog heard me. And that's why he
came up here and started telling you..
Miller: ..That I'm a drunk. That I'm incompotent at my job. That my
wife is a big, fat slut!
Frasier: That is indefensible! your wife is not overweight! (realises)
Well anyway, my point is that um, I'd like you to reconsider
giving Bulldog his job back. And ah, whatever the consequences
to me, I'm willing to accept it.
Miller: Look, I won't kid you. Bulldog meant big numbers to us in Drive
Time, we need him back. Tell you what. You get him to apologise
to me, oh hell, why don't I just say it, if he'll kiss my ass,
maybe we can work something out.
Frasier: Oh sir, sir, I'm sure that'll make him so happy. Well, I'll
just ah, get out of you hair. (goes to door)
Miller: Actually Crane, that uh, rumour about someone being let go is
uhh.. true.
Frasier: What?
Miller: Now that you've so nobly gotten Bulldog his job back, the station
still needs to make some cutbacks on those high price salaries.
Frasier: Oh god, not Father Mike? Oh no.
Miller: No. Not Father Mike.
Frasier: Chopper Dave? Ray the Greengrocer? Bonnie the 'Auto Lady' Weems?
Ned looks at Frasier, indicating it's him.
Miller: Look, Crane. You're new to the radio game, I've been around a
long time. People get fired. But they always get back on their
feet. So. I bet you I could get you that drink now?
Frasier: Yes, I bet you could.
Miller: (the phone rings) Help yourself. (he answers it) Ned Miller!
Yo, Jack! No what's wrong?.. Ahh, c'mon. Tell me now.. Aha..
I see.. No, no no, I..I.. Thanks, Jack. (replaces phone. Takes
decanter from Frasier's hand) Excuse me.
Frasier: Bad news?
Miller: Ohh, you could say that. I've just been fired. They decided the
best way to cut the budget was to get rid of my high salary.
Frasier: Oh Ned, I.. I'm so sorry. Then I guess this means that my job
is still safe then?
Miller: Yeah. I guess so.
Frasier: (expansively) Well, y'know Ned, I haven't been in the radio
game that long, but uh, I've been around long enough to know
that people get fired. And when they do they always seem to
land on their feet. Now I've known quite a few people and
counselled them that have suffered similar setbacks but ah,
in time you will embrace this, learn to think of this as, oh,
a new chapter. You know, in theatrical circles, they always say
'Every exit is but an entrance to somewhere else'.
Miller: God, I wish I'd fired you when I had the chance!
End of Act Two (Time: xx:xx)
Credits:
Frasier and Roz are watching Bulldog do his show. As promised,
he's hanging upside down.
Guest Caller - Jay Leno
Ned Miller - John Glover
Legal Stuff
This episode capsule is copyright 2000 by Nick Hartley & John Masson.
This episode summary remains property of Frasier, Copyright
of Paramount Productions and NBC. Printed without permission.
