How To Bury A Millionaire Written by Lori Kirkland
Directed by Pamela Fryman
=====================================================================
Production Code: 6.7.
Original Airdate on NBC: 12th November 1998.
Transcript written on 3rd April 1999.
Premise
Niles is low on money when Maris' lawyers take a hold of him and he
forced, among other things, to move out of the Montana and into
Frasier's apartment. However, when he begins annoying the family he
is forced to move a less exquisite building.
Reviews
Matthew Barr:
Sounding like a continuation of dark humour from 'Dial M For
Martin', this episode was something of a disappointment. DHP was
great, although his faked enthusiasm for his new place was a little
too realistic. Highlights included the car chase and touring the
apartment. The plot wasn't exceptional, and there weren't any
memorable lines, but some displays of 'brotherly love' (the Noel
Coward pen) and plot transgression make this a lot better than the
last two shows. C-
Nicholas Hartley:
This episode started off pretty boring. I found Niles particularly
disturbing. I know he's always a strange little man, but I just
couldn't take the facial cream and the babbling lake. However, I
must praise part two, it was glorious. The whole "Shangri-La"
apartment scene were wonderful. It showed Niles in his usual state
of denial. There were some great gags like "Jimmy put on pants to
come up here". I couldn't stop laughing when Niles walked to the
door in the Hawaiian shirt and sat on the lazy-boy just like Martin.
It was great how he changes his role model from his mother to his
father. B+
Quotes and Scene Summary {nicholas hartley}
Act One. Frasier and Martin are driving around Seattle. They are
heading towards the Montana to pick Niles up for a night out.
Martin: You know where we should go tonight? Fanny's Fish & Chips!
Frasier: Dad, we're taking Niles out to boost his spirits - not his
chlorestorol!
Martin: Oh please, that French food that you guys eat is full of
butter and cheese.
Frasier: Yes but at least it's not made by a woman working a deep
frier in battered dip brasseries.
Martin notices a man in a red hatchback next to him.
Martin: Hey, is that Niles?
Frasier: Where?
Martin: Driving that old hatchback.
Frasier: Nah, Niles would never be seen in anything called a
hatchback! But it does look a lot like him.
Frasier honks his horn and Niles looks and sees them. He pelts off at
full speed.
Frasier: He's running away!
Martin: Well catch him Mr. 12 cylinder German engineering.
Frasier and Martin chase Niles across Seattle. Frasier dials in
Niles' car phone number and he answers.
Niles: Hello.
Frasier: Niles, what the hell are you doing?
Niles: Well I'm just pulling into my parking garage. You on your
way?
Frasier: What are you talking about! You're driving up 2nd Avenue.
Martin: You're in that little red thing.
Niles: No I'm not you must be mistaking me for someone else. See
you when you get here. [hangs up].
Frasier and Martin cannot believe his lies.
Martin: He's getting away. He just took a right at the corner.
[Frasier takes a right and rings Niles again:]
Niles: Hello.
Frasier: Niles! What are you running away from us for. I can see that
it's you!
Niles: No, you're mistaking me for someone else.
Frasier honks his horn which sounds back through the mobile.
Frasier: That is ridiculous, I can hear my own horn through the
phone!
Niles: Frasier, I may loose the connection, I'm just stepping onto
my elevator. I'll see you when you.. [hangs up]
Martin: What's the matter with him?
Frasier: Maris repossesed his car, that must have been all he can
afford. He's just ashamed to admit it. [dials Niles again]
Niles: Hello.
Frasier: Niles do not hang up on me, we know what's going on! We're
right behind you.
Niles: Alright, I was afraid this would happen - I was petrified
someone I knew would see me driving this humiliating car! It
looks like some buggy derailed from a carnival ride except
this has no saftey features.
Frasier: Oh Niles, you're worrying over nothing. What kind of person
judges you by the sort of car you drive.
Niles: Mitsy Gill.
Frasier: Oh yes, she might, she drives a Bently.
Niles: She's parking on the corner - she'll see me.
Niles puts on his brakes and falls under the dashboard. He is still
on the mobile. Frasier also must brake suddenly to stop a crash.
Martin: Is everyone alright?
Niles: Dad, come quickly I need your help.
Martin: [frustrated:] Oh my! What is it?
Niles: I need you to get up here and pretend this is your car.
Martin gives a look of disgust at Frasier. The gang arrive in Niles'
apartment. Niles rubs his shoulder as he sits down.
Niles: Oh my shoulder is killing me!
Frasier: Oh Niles, did you bang into the steering wheel?
Niles: No, I've been parralel parking all week without power
steering.
Martin: Let me get you some aspirin.
Niles: Oh thankyou Dad. Er, check upstairs in the bathroom of the
study. Pardon the disaray Frasier, I've had to cut the
cleaning lady down to two times a week.
Martin: [sarcastic:] Yeah, looks like a bomb went off.
Martin leaves the practically perfect room by the stairs.
Frasier: I gather your financial situations gotton a bit shaky.
Niles: Oh yes, every since I rejected Maris' attempts to woo me
back, she's been quite vindictive! She's frozen all the
acounts! Sherry? [pours two glasses of sheery]
Frasier: Thankyou.
Niles: My salery isn't even covering my legal bills.
Frasier: Well, what do you lawyers tell you?
Niles: Most that my salery isn't even covering my legal bills!
Frasier: You know, if this seige is going to continue you might have
to tighten your belt a bit. Perhaps we should make up a list
of your expenses. [takes some paper and a pen from the box]
Niles: Alright, [notices pen] but not with that pen. That once
belonged to Noel Coward. Just purchased it.
Frasier: Well it is stunning Niles, but you know if you're going to
be economising perhaps you'll have to forgo the decrotive
antique pens.
Niles: Could we at least review my list before making any drastic
decisions!
Frasier: Very well.
Niles: [writes down notes:] That's my rent.. that's insurance..
Frasier: [notices:] You pay that much in rent?!
Niles: Well that includes the building newsletter.
Frasier: Well it's outrageous!
Martin comes through on the intercom, to which Niles must respond to.
Martin: Niles are you there?
Niles: [in intercom:] Yes dad. [to Frasier:] You can't blame me for
the housing market this is a simple apartment!
Martin: I'm in some room with a lot of books but it doesn't have a
bathroom!
Niles: [in intercom:] Oh that's the library not the study - go down
the hall, make a left.
Frasier: Well this simple apartment of yours is going to bankrupt
you! You must admit it's a bit large for one person.
Niles: Oh don't forget I have a pet.
Frasier: Are you saying that your BIRD both requires a study and a
library?
Niles: Alright, I will return the Noel Coward pen but this is my
home. This is a basic necessity.
Martin: OK, I've found the aspirin but I'm lost again. I'm in a blue
room with big rolls of paper.
Niles: [in intercom:] That's the gift wrapping room. Look for the
stairs.
Martin: The only stairs I can find go up!
Frasier: You have a third floor?
Niles: Practically a crawl space. [in intercom:] Go out the door to
the left.
Niles and Frasier stand in silent, both pensive.
Niles: Don't look at me like that! I have to have a roof over my
head!
Frasier: Niles, you have three roofs over your head. God sake, you'll
have to come to your senses. Look at the numbers, they don't
lie! I'm afraid you don't have any choice.
Martin comes out onto the balcony over the main room. He shouts over
to Niles.
Martin: Alright, now I'm stuck. How do I get down, there's a
bookcase blocking my way.
Niles: Well the bookcase is a secret door dad.
Martin: How do I open it?
Niles: Just poke Mrs. Dalloway on the bottom.
Martin: What?
Niles: The yellow book on the lower shelf.
Martin: Oh right! [exits]
Niles: Frasier, every since I was a little boy I have walked by
this building and wondered what sort of people could live in
such a magnificent place.
Frasier: I know Niles.
Niles: Getting in here after Maris dumped me proved that I was not
a complete failure.
Frasier: I understand that.
Niles: And I have no choice do I?
Frasier: I'm sorry. You know Niles, perhaps you should move before
you're obligated for another months rent here. You can stay
at my place until you find something.
Niles: Thankyou.
Martin: [enters with aspirins:] Here you go, you can get your own
glass of water.
Niles: This aspirin's expired.
Martin: Well it wasn't when I found it.
NUCLEAR FAMILY
Later, Niles has moved into Frasier's apartment. Niles and Daphne are
working along side each other in the kitchen.
Daphne: Oh Dr. Crane, I'll clean up.
Niles: Oh not necessary.
Daphne: You've been cooking dinner every night, [laughs] I hardly
feel like it's my kitchen anymore.
Niles: Of course it's your kitchen... [Daphne puts something in the
fridge:] ..no that doesn't go there! I know it's probably a
bit presumptious of me to rearrange your kitchen for you but
I promise you, you'll find it a lot more... user friendly..
Niles digresses as he watches Daphne bend over to reach for something
on the bottom shelf.
Daphne: Where's my jar of Bovril?
Niles: [coming out of daze:] No I wasn't! [realising:] Oh the meat
paste! Well I threw it out, it smelled rancid.
Daphne: Well that's how it's supposed to smell - it's English!
Meanwhile, Frasier and Martin are reading in the main room. Frasier
opens conversation.
Frasier: Well I'm off too bed! [Martin doesn't reply:] Roz and I have
a very important breakfast meeting with an important
employer tomorrow. I can't burn the midnight oil like you
dad. [Martin doesn't reply so he shakes him:] Dad!
Martin had fallen asleep whilst reading, he wakes up not knowing
what's going on.
Martin: What? Oh alright, I'll get a coaster!
Frasier: Dad what is it with you? You could barely stay awake during
dinner!
Martin: Oh you'd feel the same way if you shared a room with Niles.
All night long, up and down, shifting and tucking.
Frasier: Well if it's really anoying you that much, I'll just move
his cot into my room.
Martin: Oh!
Frasier: At least one member of this family can show some compassion.
Martin: Well good luck! Last night I got up and went to the bathroom
- when I came back he'd made my bed!
End of Act One. (Time: 7:15)
Act Two. In Frasier's bedroom, Frasier is in bed listning to Niles in
the en suite bathroom. Niles is gargling and spitting.
Frasier: Will you be much longer?
Niles: Almost done.
Frasier: I only ask because Roz and I have this very important job
interview tomorrow, I'd like to be well rested. You've been
in there for twenty minutes!
Niles: No I haven't. [a bell is heard] Now I have! You should try
this marvelous new facial feel, it's like getting ten years
back!
Frasier: What about the last half hour.
Niles: It's going to be so much fun bunking together like when we
were kids.
Niles emerges from the bathroom looking strangely applicated.
Frasier: Oh yes, it's all coming back to me now.
Niles: I just want to tell you again how much I appreciate your
taking me in like this. Not every brother in your position
would be so generous. [gets into his only little bed]
Frasier: Think nothing of it Niles, it's no trouble at all.
There is rest until Niles decides to switch on some air refiners. He
has around half a dozen which make an awful noise. Frasier turns the
lights out. However, Niles isn't comfy until he's closed the window
from the rain noise - Frasier remarks "I'm amazed you can hear it over in Mission Control!". Niles goes back to bed and puts on a
strange radio. It begins playing rain falling - similar to what he
just the shut the window for.
Frasier: Niles, what are you talking about? That's just more rain
noise!
Niles: No it's much more than rain. This is all the sounds of the
Brasilian rain forest. Does it bother you?
Frasier: No. Go to bed.
They all are at rest when suddely a bird shrieks loudly on the hi-fi.
Frasier: Oh for God's sake!
Niles: Alright, alright, I'll switch over to babbeling brook.
Switches to the sound of running water.
Niles: If you're feeling tense about that interview I can show you
one of my breathing excercises.
Frasier: No, no! Just some sleep will do.
They both go to sleep but Niles begins doing his breathing excercises
which wake Frasier. He pushes his arms out as he breathes out and
vice versa. He does this twice. On the third time he just breathes
in. Frasier waits and after a while he breathes out. Frasier has had
enough and puts the lights on. However the lights along with Niles'
"equipment" fuse the circuits - now it is pitch black.
Frasier: What the hell happened?
Niles: Isn't it obvious! You blew a fuse!
Frasier: You haven't seen anything yet!
We hear Frasier get up - followed by the sound of a pillow hitting
something - followed by Niles shrieking.
THE LATE SHOW
The following morning, Roz is waiting with the employer, Mr. Draper,
by herself. Frasier is obviously late.
Roz: Listen I know he's on his way, he must have got the address
wrong. I knew I should have picked a place he's been to before.
She says, sitting in Café Nervosa.
Draper: I'm sorry, I'm afraid I have to..
Roz: Oh please don't leave. Let me just try his cell phone.
Draper: Very well. [hands Roz his phone]
Roz: [into phone:] Hello Frasier, it's Roz. You sound terrible,
where are you? The emergency room?! Oh my God! His appendices
burst! No, no, don't apologise. It's not your fault. We'll
just reschedule it..
At this point Frasier bursts into the room whilst Roz is still on the
phone to "him".
Frasier: I'm so sorry I'm late!
Draper: [to Roz:] My phone please! [she hands him it]
Frasier: Mr. Draper, you're not leaving are you?
Draper: I have another meeting and I don't like to keep people
waiting! [leaves]
Roz: [to Frasier:] I'm going to kill you!
Frasier: Roz, please I'm so sorry.
Roz: Where the hell have you been?
Frasier: Blame Niles, he kept me up so late last night I slept right
through my alarm.
Roz: What's he still doing there, hasn't he found a place yet?!
Frasier: No, no, he's sub-let his apartment at the Montana. He has to
find something furnished there just aren't many out there.
Still he's looking every day!
Roz: Not yesterday.
Frasier: What do you mean?
Roz: I saw him outside the cinema waiting in line for "Laurance
Of Arabia".
Frasier: Well that's impossible, he told me he had appointments all
day!
Roz: Frasier, I know Niles when I see him. How people go to the
movies with their own seat cushion?
Frasier: You mean he hasn't even been looking?!
Roz: I don't know, ask him yourself.
She points him out at the bar before leaving.
Frasier: Niles.
Niles: Frasier.
Frasier: Off for another day apartment hunting?
Niles: Yes. I hope I see as many as I saw yesterday, covered the
whole water front.
Frasier: Well then you must have seen the one on Crawford and Pike?
Niles: Yes, I think so.
Frasier: White with blue trim? Right next to the market, couple of
flags upfront.
Niles: Yes! It looks nice from the outside but it's completely
unsuitable for living in.
Frasier: Oh yes I imagine so, seen as it's a [angry:] Shevron
station! You saw nothing! Nothing yesterday, probably
nothing in the last two weeks. You've been going to the
movies.
Niles: That is an outrageous lie!
Frasier: Roz saw you and your seat coushin. I was feeling sorry for
you whilst you were lying to me the whole time.
Niles: I'm sorry, after the first day I just couldn't look anymore.
I'll never find anything tolerable in my price range. It's
barely tolerable having a price range. [checks for nose
bleed]
Frasier: Alright Niles, well today I'm going with you. Maybe the only
way you'll find a place.
Niles: Oh, you make it sound as if I plan to stay with you for
ever!
Frasier: Well, I did notice you put a bottle of 93 Pechie Beron on
the grocery list last night.
Niles: So?
Frasier: That wine's not even drinkable for two years!
Later, Niles and Frasier are touring a rather run down block of a
apartments - the Shang-ri-la. They are in the corridor outside a
room. The owner, Frank, is showing them around.
Frank: An' we got a rec. room too! And did you see the hot tub?
Niles: If you reffering to that six man petri dish; yes. I think
we're about finished here!
Frasier: Niles, we can't leave without seeing the apartment. Frank
was kind enough to put on pants to bring us up here.
Frank: [opens door:] Welcome to the "Shang-ri-la!"
Niles and Frasier look in with faces of horror.
Frasier: [obviously put on:] Niles, it's magnificent!
A few moments have passed, and Frank is showing Niles around his new
"apartment".
Frank: I think you'll see why the Shang-ri-la is so popular with
bachelors like yourself.
Niles: I'd assume it was that charming "no cedit no problem" banner
out front.
Frank: Here's your kitchen. [part of living room] All modern. Looks
like the previous tenant left a four slot toaster behind.
Frasier: Isn't that something Niles. You can make yourself a club
sandwich and still have a slice left over for guests!
Niles: Oh well I think I've got the lay of the land.
Frasier: Wait we haven't seen the bedroom yet.
Frank: Right this way!
Frank unlocks a door and pulls it down. The bed pulls down into the
living room. The bed has sheets but is tatty.
Frank: Looks like he left the sheets behind too!
Frasier: Well how's that for convienience? No dust bunnies under that
bed, no sir-ee! That is a vacuumers dream that is. Well
let's have a look at this closet space shall we.
Frasier opens the closet door to find not Niles clothing.
Frank: Oh sorry, I thought Gary's sister was supposed to pick this
stuff up. Well, help yourself.
Niles: This Gary certainly seems to have left in a hurry. Didn't he
leave no forwarding address
Frank: He left a note but no... no address! Well take your time.
[leaves Niles and Frasier to look around]
Niles: Now can we go?
Frasier: No not Niles before we have a look at this.. [opens cupboard
to a fold down ironing board] ...this very charming little
ironing board here.
Niles: Sure that's not the guest room?
Frasier: Niles, listen I know this isn't what you had in mind but we
have scoured the city, I'm afraid this is the only thing
we're gonna find.
Niles: Well I want to keep looking, there's no rush.
Frasier: Well actually.. Niles..
Niles: Oh! You want me to move out, I've over stayed my welcome, I
see.
Frasier: Well it's time to understand that your circumstances have
changed. You are going to have to adapt.
Niles: I don't want to adapt. I want to go home!
Frasier: Niles, you are home!
Niles: Well, where are my manners, can I get you some toast!
Later, at Frasier's apartment, Frasier is doing some wine tasting. He
has a blindfold on and takes a drink before spitting it out. Then he
takes his blindfold off and takes a cover off of the wine to reveal
what it is. He makes a yes to the correct answer as Daphne enters.
Daphne: Well, I'm off. Oh, your brother called - he said he won't be
joining you for your wine club tonight!
Frasier: Really? That's a first.
Daphne: You know it's funny how Eddie misses that bird of Dr.
Crane's. This morning a pidgeon landed on the terrace, Eddie
jumped up excited, ran over and started barking at it!
Frasier: Oh, yes he does that all the time.
Daphne: No, no, this was a different sort of bark like; [excited:]
"You're not my bird! Don't fly over here and get my hopes up
like that! You're not my bird!" It was silly and sad at the
same time, you know?
Frasier: [deadpan:] First hand. Niles, say why he cancelled at all?
Daphne: No.
Frasier: You know I just hope he's not depressed. I keep picturing
him sitting in that dreadful apartment all alone. I guess I
should have let him stay here a little longer until he found
something nicer.
Daphne: Oh, I'm sure as soon as he's got his books on the shelf and
his opera playing he'll be fine. You have nothing to feel
guilty about.
Martin: [entering:] Oh Fras', your antiques scout brought over that
Noel Coward pen you bought.
Daphne: [to Frasier:] Noel Coward pen? Like the one your brother's
got?
Frasier: Oh it is his! He returned it and I pounced on it!
Daphne: [to Martin:] Dr. Crane's feeling bad about kicking his
brother out.
Martin: Oh come on, Fras'. He's a big boy, you just gave him the
push he needed.
Frasier: Well he did need a push.
Daphne: Besides, I'm sure the place you've found him isn't as bad as
all that.
Frasier: You're right Daphne, it isn't all that bad. Yeah once he's
decorated it, it'll be much nicer, you're right, you're
right. I'm being much too hard on myself. I'm sure he'll be
perfectly happy in the "Shang-ri-la".
Martin: [realising:] You got him in the "Shang-ri-la"? That's where
Duke stayed during his divorce. Oh let me tell ya', that's
my kinda place.
Frasier: What have I done?!
Later that day, a doorbell sounds in Niles' new apartment. Niles
emerges from a room dressed in an Hawaiian shirt, but still wearing
his golden watch. He answers the door - it's Frasier and Martin.
Frasier: Hey Niles!
Niles: [cheerful surprise:] Dad! Frasier! Did you not get my
message about the wine club.
Martin: Yeah, but we thought it'd be just fun to have a nice beer.
Niles: Actually, I'm just on my way out.
Frasier: Where too? Burley high?
Niles: No, they're having a ping pong tournament in the rumpus room
and my neighbour, Jimbo, has invited me to be his partner so
let me just go and tell him I'll be a couple of minutes
late. If you're thirsty they sent up some wine coolers in my
welcome basket. [exits]
Martin: And you were worried, he's making friends, taking part in
activities...
Frasier: Dad, he's obviously covering! That shirt alone is a shriek
for help!
Martin: Is it so hard for you to believe that he can actually be
happy?
Frasier: In this place, yes.
Niles: [enters] Oh you should stay, the guys in D building are
bringing over a six foot sub and they've rigged the pinball
machine so it's free play all night. [makes a strange dance]
Frasier: Niles, you know I'm finding it a bit difficult to accept
this new found enthusiasm of yours.
Niles: Well weren't you the one who told me that I shoud adjust to
my new circumstances?
Frasier: Yes, but I'm just concerned that you're emersing yourself in
this lifestyle just to avoiding feeling the pain you're
going...
Martin: Oh would you just leave the guy alone! He's obviously having
a good time!
Martin and Frasier begin arguing as Niles sits in his "lazy boy"
chair, putting his feet up on a footrest. He sits back looking just
like Martin in his "throne".
Martin: I'd be happy here myself this is my kind of place.
Niles: [angered and upset:] Get me out of this hell hole!
Martin: What did I say?
Niles: I can't live this charade. I have tried, it's taking too
much out of me.
Martin: Now Niles this place is fine, and you know what they say:
"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger".
Niles: But dad, not everyone makes it into the second group! And
I've got the Hoola shirt to prove it. Right that's it,
that's enough. [takes his phone and dials]
Frasier: Niles, who are you calling?
Niles: I'm calling Maris, I'm going to beg her to take me back.
Frasier: You don't want to do that!
Niles: Oh yes I do.
Frasier: Niles!
Niles: Life with Maris wasn't so bad, it was my fault after all. I
was too rigid! I was always making demands.
Frasier: No Niles!
Niles: [remembering:] Eat something! Unlock this door! Don't throw
that!
Martin: Niles, give me that phone.
Niles: No!
Martin: You don't know what you're doing!
Niles: Yes I do.
Martin: Just drop it and kick it over here.
Niles: I'm dialing, I'm pressing send, It's ringing. [in phone:]
Maris. I'm calling... I'm calling... I'm calling to tell you
that there's a new address forwarding my mail. 62 Elm
street, "Shang-ri-la" apartments. Thankyou [hangs up:]
Frasier: Well good for you Niles.
Niles: Oh, second I heard her voice I knew I couldn't go back. How
am I ever going to live here.
Martin: Oh it's just temporary Niles! She can't drive this divorce
out forever.
Frasier: You know, Niles, perhaps this place is the price you'll have
to pay for your freedom.
Niles: Well it's worth that.
Martin: Then that's the way to look at it. Let's have a toast to
that. [begins pouring]
Niles: Thankyou dad. You know I never did sign my lease. I suppose
now is as good as time as any. [picks it up]
Frasier: Niles, perhaps this will make it easier. [hands him the Noel
Coward pen, Niles is a little tearful:] A little
housewarming gift.
Niles: Thankyou.
Martin comes over and hands Niles and Frasier a drink, he has one for
himself.
Martin: Here we go. Here's looking at you kids! [they drink]
Frasier: You know Niles, you may have to sleep here but you certainly
don't have to eat here. How does "Cigaré Valogne" sound?
Niles: [delighted] Music to my ears.
Martin: I can't go in that place without a jacket.
Frasier: Well you know what maybe we should poke through that closet,
I bet Gary's got a jacket that'll match those pants.
They go to the closet and find a checked jacket which Martin tries on
and is pleased with. The three then exit for their favourite
restaurant.
End Of Act Two (Time: 21:40)
Credits:
Niles is decorating his apartment. He takes a ornamental violin from
his box and thinks about where to place it. He places it on a cabinet
but doens't like it. He moves it to the television, but doesn't like
it. He moves it to the fridge, but yet again doesn't like it's
position so he just puts it back in his box to be safe.
Legal Stuff
This episode capsule is copyright 1999 by Nick Hartley. This
episode summary remains property of Frasier, Copyright of Paramount
Productions and NBC. Printed without permission.
