IQ Written by Rob Hanning
& Jay Kogen
Directed by David Lee
=====================================================================
Production Code: 6.19.
Original Airdate on NBC: 8th April 1999.
Transcript written 25th February 2000.
Synopsis written on 9th April 1999.
Transcript {nick hartley}
Act One.
Scene One - Frasier's Apartment.
Frasier, dressed in black tie, answers the door to Niles dressed
similary in his tuxedo.
Frasier: Evening, Niles.
Niles: Frasier. Everybody ready?
Frasier: Just about.
Niles: Ooh! New cuff links, those are very smart.
Frasier: Oh, yeah, you've seen these before haven't you? I always
wear them with the tux.
Niles: Of course you do. Well still, nothing catches the eye like a
sharp pair of cuff links.
Niles rubs the back of head letting his golden cuff links flash in
the light.
Frasier: And those are very nice too.
Niles: [acting] Oh these...
Frasier: GOLD?
Niles: Yes, well, I knew you'd be wearing silver. I didn't want us
to look alike, you know.
Then Roz, dressed in a black evening gown, arrives with Alice.
Roz: Hello.
Frasier: Hi, Roz. Come on in.
Roz: Sorry I'm late.
Frasier: That's all right.
Daphne speaks up from the laptop she's busy on.
Daphne: Hey, Roz.
Roz: Daphne, thank you so much for watching Alice. She's way
overdue for her nap. Maybe, I can get her to sleep.
Frasier: Oh, great. Well, set her off in my room. You know, we don't
want to be late for that silent auction.
Roz: You know, I can't believe you've donated another "Day Behind
the Scenes of the Frasier Crane Show" this year.
Frasier: Well, why not, Roz? It's for a good cause. The Kelly Ann
Grunther foundation does excellent work.
Roz: Well, you weren't trapped in my booth with that mouth
breather for three hours last year.
Frasier: Well, he wasn't that bad. Some kind of engineer wasn't he?
Roz: Well, he wasn't a dental hygenist, that's for sure.
As Frasier and Roz go to the room, Martin enters and crosses to
Daphne.
Martin: Daphne, can you help me with these cuff links?
Daphne: Oh, all right.
Niles: [looks at her screen as Daphne goes to help Martin] What is
this Daphne?
Daphne: I'm chatting on-line with Donny. [the computer beeps] Oh,
what's he saying?
Niles: Er, [reads] I can't wait to come home and see my wittle
Engwish cwumpet.
Daphne: I don't want him to think I've abandoned him. Would you mind
taking over? [Niles look agast but does it anyway] Tell him I
miss him too.
Niles: All right. [he types]
Daphne: I'm counting the days until he comes home and there's no-one
I love more than my fuzzy wuzzy...
Niles "accidentally" presses a button causing it to shutdown, which
Daphne can tell from it's "goodbye" sound.
Niles: I'm sorry, I seem to have lost him.
Daphne: Maybe I can get him back. [goes to computer]
Frasier and Roz enter.
Frasier: Well, there we are. Alice is all squared away. She went
right to sleep. Shall we? [they cross to the door]
Daphne: Have a good time. Don't spend too much.
Martin: Oh, don't worry about that. I've got a whole system worked
out where I can get everything I want for the minimum bid.
Frasier: Dad, it's hardly in spirit with the evening. We're raising
money for the Kelly Ann Grunther fund.
Martin: Oh, baloney. You just want to go there so you can hob-nob
with all your snooty friends.
Frasier: Oh, that is not true.
Martin: Oh yeah? Well then answer me one question, just who is Kelly
Ann Grunther?
Frasier: Kelly Ann Grunther... is... the person responsible for the
Kelly Ann Grunther foundation.
Martin: Well what does that mean?
Frasier: Well, I guess she's just a very wealthy person that put up a
lot of money, right?
Roz: I thought she had some kind of disease?
Niles: I always thought she was a scientist doing research.
Martin: So, in other words. It could have been called... [looks at
Eddie] the Eddie Eddie-mund Foundation so long as it was
fancy food on silver platters.
The four leave the apartment.
Scene Two - The Silent Auction.
Lots are laid out around the room. Frasier and Niles are looking at
one table.
Frasier: Have you seen anything exciting to bid on?
Niles: Well, no. It's mostly the same items as last year. A day of
beauty with international known stylist Raphael.
Frasier: Yes, I see Missy Cromwell put down for that.
Niles: Well can you blame her? Her last day of beauty was during
the Johnson administration. [laughs]
Frasier: [looks] You know, this is rather interesting. The Laureate
Luncheon; break bread with three noble prize winners.
Doctors Alan Saphron, Jane Randell and Terrance Quinn.
Niles: Oh my, it's an opportunity to meet with three of the
greatest thinkers of our time. I'm amazed they even got them
all in the same room together. You know Saphron's a
legendary recluse.
Frasier: Yes well he'll be at "Fiddlesticks" tomorrow at noon. [Niles
signs his name] Good luck to you, Niles. You know they
say Quinn is quite witty. In nuclear physics circles he is
referred to as the half life of the party.
Meanwhile, Martin is eyeing another lot - a barbecue. A woman is
hanging around there.
Martin: What do we have at this table? Ooh, the Windsor-monic 2000.
Yeah. Oh, isn't this the one they had to recall because the
propane tanks kept on exploding?
Woman: They did?
Martin: Yeah, I sure feel sorry for this guy... [reads] Martin Crane.
Better give himself an apron that says "Kiss the Chef
Goodbye".
Meanwhile, a woman, Jodie, is hanging around Roz's lot - i.e: "The
Day Behind the Scenes of the Dr. Fraiser Crane Show".
Jodie: Are you bidding on this one too?
Roz: No, no, I'm Roz Doyle. Frasier Crane's producer. If you win
this, you'll be spending the afternoon with me.
Jodie: [signs it] Well, I hope I do. I'm a big fan of the show.
Roz: Oh.
Then Noel appears.
Noel: Hello there.
Roz: Hi Noel, what are you doing here?
Noel: I came to bid on my favourite auction item. I should warn you
that Lady Luck is on my side tonight. The last guy who rented
this tux left a perfectly good comb in the pocket. [points to
signing board] May I?
Roz: [hides pen] Well, there's no pen. I'm sorry, Noel.
Noel: No problem-o. I wear one around my neck.
Noel, takes a pen from around his neck and signs the paper.
Meanwhile, at the lot for the genius luncheon.
Niles: Oh, damn.
Frasier: What is it?
Niles: It looks like I have some competition for this luncheon. An
Alistar Mobery doubled by bid to five hundred dollars. I've
heard that name before.
Frasier: Yes, it sounds familiar to me too. Wait a minute, isn't he
that young ruthless softwear tycoon?
Niles: Great!
Frasier: Well, it's no use competing with those deep pockets but, you
know Niles, this vase here deserves a second look.
Niles: Wait a minute. Mobery, wasn't that the nom de plume you used
in prep school for your society column?
Frasier: What a remarkable co-incidence.
Niles: Oh, ba! You are secretly trying to outbid me.
Frasier: Oh, all right. I thought if you were bidding against a
stranger you'd only go so high. But if you knew it was me,
then your childish competitiveness would kick in.
Niles: That is nonsense. Give me the pen.
Frasier: [Frasier doesn't] No, I'm saving you from yourself.
Niles: Give me that. Frasier, in the name of Kelly Ann Grunther and
everything she stands for...
Frasier: She can't stand!
Niles: How do you know?
Frasier: I asked.
Meanwhile, Roz has caused the woman to bid again.
Jodie: I can't believe I'm bidding this much.
Roz: Don't worry, we're gonna have so much fun.
Noel: It'll be so great being in that booth together, Roz. No need
to get me extra headphones. I'll just share yours! [signs
again]
Roz looks horrified as the auctioneer speaks.
Auctioneer: We are coming up on the final minute of tonight's
auction. No bid will be accepted after the whistle blows.
Meanwhile, Roz has gone to the other side of the room to get Jodie to
bid again.
Roz: Listen, Jodie, can I talk to you?
Jodie: I'd love to bid more but I'm really at my limit.
Roz drags Jodie to her lot, passing Niles and Frasier squabbling over
the pen on their way.
Roz: I really want you to win this. I think we hit it off.
Jodie: Oh, you too huh. I thought I sensed a little spark between us,
[gazes into Roz's eyes with passion] Roz.
Roz: A spark?
Jodie: Maybe after the show we could get a drink or have some dinner?
Roz: Ah?!
Roz turns her head to Noel who is combing his hair with the second
hand comb. Roz knows what she must do.
Roz: [to Jodie] You like Italian?
Meanwhile, Niles has finally grabbed the pen from his brother.
Niles: I think it's time to seperate the men from the boys. You
will never top this bid! [signs again]
Frasier: You're right, Niles. I won't top it. I will double it.
[signs again]
Niles: I'd like to see the look on your face when I double your
bid. [signs again]
Frasier: What? [looks] You didn't double it, you just added fifty
dollars to it!
The auctioneer blows his whistle. Martin jumps up with excitement as
the papers are collected in.
Auctioneer: Well, there certainly was some spirited bidding over this
luncheon wasn't there! My goodness, four thousand and
fifty dollars!
Niles: What have I done?
Frasier: You have let your competiveness get the better of you and
it serves you right.
Auctioneer: Due to the overwhelming interest in this luncheon, I
propose adding another place at the table. That is if we
can convince our runner-up, Dr. Frasier Crane to match
his brother's generous bid. What do you say, Dr. Crane?
Frasier: [breaking up] All right. Dear God, we've just spent eight
thousand dollars for a lunch!
Niles: Frasier, just try to remember it's for a very worthy
cause.
Auctioneer: Thanks to the doctors Crane there will be a lot fewer
homeless cats on the streets of Seattle next year!
Everyone applaud them as they try to bring themselves together.
Niles and Frasier Discover
Whose is Bigger
Scene Three - Frasier's Apartment.
That evening, Daphne is sat on Martin's chair as the three Cranes
enter. She stands to greet them.
Martin: Hey Daph'.
Daphne: Hey. Have a good time at the auction?
Martin: Oh, yeah, I got a great new barbecue. Windsor-monic 2000. I
wonder if they name it that because that's the one the Royal
family uses.
Daphne: Oh, I'm sure it is. That's actually the new postage stamp in
England. Her magesty with a pair of barbecue tongs and a
sauce brush!
Martin exits to his room.
Frasier: Yes, well, at least dad didn't have to go into debt for his
purchase.
Daphne: Oh, yes, Roz told me about your lunch with the geniuses.
Frasier: What, Roz beat us back here?
Daphne: Yes, she was trying to ditch Noel. Apparently he's not
allowed onto the highway with his moped.
Daphne exits to her room.
Niles: Frasier, do you ever wonder why we do all this competition.
Where did it even start?
Frasier: That's a good question, Niles. [pours brandies] Think back.
What was the first thing you can remember us competing over.
Niles: It'd have to be mom. We were always jockying for her time
and attention.
Frasier: Well, it was a lot more difficult for me, actually. You
being her favourite.
Niles: What? You were her favourite.
Frasier: Oh, don't be ridiculous, Niles. She adored you. Don't you
remember the time you lost your tricycle. She actually took
mine away from me and gave it to you.
Niles: That was for your own good. No eight year old should be
riding a tricycle.
Frasier: I had a chronic ear infection that affected my balance.
Niles: Mom worshiped the ground you walked on. Remember when we
brought those bowls home from pottery class. She used yours
for the cranberry sauce at thanksgiving and mine as a dog's
dish!
Frasier: Well, what did you expect her to do? You painted a little
dog right on it.
Niles: That was a turkey!
Frasier: Well, isn't this ironic? Both of us thinks the other one is
the favourite when in fact neither of us was.
Niles: So all our competition was pointless. Oh, I wish we'd talked
about this years ago.
Frasier: Oh Lord, yes. The angst we could have spared ourselves. Do
you remember those IQ tests that we took?
Niles: I was sick waiting for the results.
Frasier: Which we never found out, of course. Mom refused to tell us
anything except that we were two points apart.
Niles: I knew you had the higher score.
Frasier: I was convinced you did.
Niles: Well, mom was certainaly right not to tell us.
Frasier: Yes, she certainaly was. She knew back then that we were
both too childish and competetive to handle it.
The brothers stare into their brandies. An idea is obviously forming.
Frasier: You know what would be a sign of real growth, Niles?
Niles: To find out those scores right now.
Frasier: Exactly, I mean how often in life can do you afford an
opportunity to discover really how much you've evolved.
Niles: Exactly.
Niles calls Martin who has just entered.
Niles: Dad, do you know what our IQs are?
Martin: [sitting down] No, but I got a pretty good idea at that
auction tonight!
Frasier: No, dad. The IQ tests we did when we were children. Would
you have saved those?
Martin: Oh sure, your mother and I saved all that stuff; report
cards, finger paintings, poems. It's in an old Ballantynes
box in the closet.
Frasier: Oh dad, why don't you just admit it? You're more of a
sentamentalist then you led on.
Martin: Yes, I guess I am. That's the first case of beer your mother
and I ever bought together.
Niles and Frasier exit to Martin's room as Daphne enters.
Daphne: I still can't get over how much they've spent at that
auction.
Martin: Oh, they've always tried to one-up each other.
Daphne: I suppose all brothers were like that. Mine certainaly were.
Everything was a contest!
Daphne enters the kitchen and prepares a sandwich as she speaks.
Daphne: Who could the run the fastest, jump the highest. They even
had this strange one where they'd take little brother
Michael, put him in a potato sack and see who could roll him
the farthest over the frozen lake out back. They loved that
game! Until that year the spring thaw set in early and poor
Michael went right through the ice. Ooh, they caught hell for
that one they did. Caught it worse a week later when
Michael's toe finally fell off. Michael cried and cried until
they told him to put it under his pillow for the toe fairy!
And then when he got five quid for it, why it was all they
could do to stop him from sawing off the rest of them.
Martin: [on edge shouts] What's keeping you guys with that box?
Niles and Frasier run in with the box as Daphne enters the room with
her snack.
Frasier: Here it is dad, gosh this is a virtual treasure trove of
memerobelia.
Niles: [opens it up:] Choir ribbon, most improved badminton, tap
dance certificate.
Martin: I remember going through that box with your mother. She
always knews just what to say to cheer me up. So what if the
trophy says baking instead of baseball, Marty. Catchers'
mits or oven mits, they're our little champions.
Niles: Oh, wait, these are report cards. This might be
something. [opens an envelope] Well here they are.
Congratulations, Frasier. 129.
Martin: Is that good?
Niles: Good? It's practically genius. Bravo, Frasier.
Frasier: That's enough Niles, now where are you? Higher or lower?
Niles: I haven't seen mine yet. I am... [reads it] higher.
Frasier: Well, congratulations. I doth my hat to you Mr. 131.
Niles: Higher!
Frasier: What do you mean, higher? Mum told us we were two points
apart.
Niles: Well apparently, mom was being tactful.
Frasier: How tactful?
Niles: Well...
Frasier: Gimme that!
Frasier takes the IQ test and reads it.
Frasier: 156. My God, that's...
Niles: Twenty seven points.
Frasier: Yes, I know.
Martin: I never should have told you guys about the box.
Frasier: No, no, dad. I'm fine this, the entire point of this
excercise was to prove that Niles and I have moved beyond
our competitiveness. And we have. I'm very proud of my kid
brother.
Niles: Thank you. And I am proud of how mature you are being about
all this. In fact, if it were a test for maturity I think
your score would be much...
Frasier: That's enough, Niles. You know, I suggest we go ahead and
call it a night, Niles. We want to be nice and refreshed for
our meeting with the three geniuses tomorrow. Oops, or in my
case - the four geniuses.
Niles: Oh, now you. [they all laugh] Good night, dad. Well, I'll
meet you at the restaurant.
Frasier: [yawns] Good night Niles.
Niles: Okay.
Frasier: Sleep tight.
Frasier lets Niles out and shuts the door.
Frasier: Daphne! Is that university library open all night?
Daphne: I think so, why do you ask?
Frasier: Oh, for God's sake. Do you think I'm going to let my little
brother humiliate me tomorrow.
Martin: What are you talking about?
Frasier: Dad, he is smarter than I am. Niles will be sitting there
rambeling on to the geniuses about the cosmos, black holes,
matter, anti-matter, and I won't matter at all. [enters to
the kitchen] I'm going to have to make myself a nice thermos
full of coffee and get down to that library. [starts with
coffee pot]
Martin: Oh, Frasier, what do you think you're gonna learn in one
night?
Frasier: Just enough to ask some informed questions, dad. I may not
have a 156 IQ but I'm a quick study. Daphne, is there
something wrong with this coffee pot?
Daphne: You have to plug it in!
Frasier: Well, there, you won't have to tell me that again!
End of Act One. [time: : ]
Act Two.
Scene One - Fiddlesticks Restaurant
Niles is sat at the table as Frasier enters and sits with him.
Frasier: Hello, Niles.
Niles: Frasier. Sleep well last night?
Frasier: Oh yes, like a baby!
Niles: Like a baby with library priveleges. I know what you did.
Frasier: How?
Niles: The way you rushed me out of there last night, I sensed
something was up. So I waited in my car and sure enough, ten
minutes later you tore out of the garage.
Frasier: Niles, I'm so sorry. It's just that...
Niles: No, no, no, I don't want to hear any more of your fassled
excuses. [sneezes]
Frasier: Good Lord, gesundheit!
Niles: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I think your competitiveness has sunk
to a new low. I'm ashamed of you.
Frasier: I'm terribly sorry. It's just that i'm so insecure about
even coming to this luncheon at all.
Niles then scratches his ear, resembeling a dog when they scratch
themselves with their hind legs.
Frasier: You just scratched your ear. [realises] You were at the
library too!
Niles: I was most certainaly was not.
Frasier: The only thing that makes you sneeze and scratch your ear is
your parchment mite allergy. So, that was you sneezing from
behind the stacks all night.
Niles: [sneezes] I had to go. I knew you'd be racing through those
scientific journals faster than a proton in a particle
accelerator.
Frasier: Oh, stop showing off. [Niles sneezes] You know, speaking of
accelerating partices, why don't you do something about that
sneezing.
Niles: [gets some pills from his pocket] Well, I took some of these
before, but they're obviously not as strong as I thought
they were. I'm going to take a couple more.
Niles takes the tablets. He then sneezes and they comes back out of
his mouth again. He takes them again, successfully.
Frasier: Niles, why don't you just go home and go to bed.
Niles: [slurred] Well that is exactly what you'd like for me to be
happening.
Frasier: What did you just say?
Niles: Well, if you didn't repeat it the first time, I'm not gonna
listen to it.
Frasier: That medication is affecting your speech, you've just taken
a second dose of it. For God's sake, you're going to make a
fool out of yourself.
Niles: Well you should talk! Look at your shakey hands and your
twitching eyes. You were up all night drinking coffee all
night last night weren't you?
Frasier: I am not twitching, you will not psych me into twitching!
[twitches uncontrollably]
Waiter: Gentlemen, may I offer you... [to Frasier] Sir, is your eye
bothering you?
Frasier: No, it's fine!
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Frasier: Yes, some coffee. De-caf!
Niles: [scratching is ear] I'd like a cup of... tea, sounds nice.
The waiter looks at him and exits.
Frasier: Niles, you know what, you should leave. You're embarassing
yourself, for God's sakes
Niles: I'm never leaving while you're still not leaving. You know
you had the good bed.
Frasier: Well, now you're just hallucinating.
Niles: When we moved to Wallis Lane and we shared a room and you
got to pick where you would be to having your... sleeping.
[puts his left elbow in the butter]
Frasier: The beds were identical. Oh, why am I even bothering
explainng this to a man who has his elbow in the butter!
Niles: [shows Frasier his other, right, elbow] Well who's [slurred]
hallucinatering now.
Frasier: Niles, have you taken these pills before?
Niles: No, but they've fixed my nose. [scratches his ear] I just
wish they wouldn't make me so hyper.
Niles collapses on to the table knocking a glass of water on
Frasier's lap.
Frasier: God's sake, you've spilled water all over me you jackass.
Just give me another napkin.
Niles: Napkin... napkin...
Niles sings a little tune whilst holding the napkin above his head.
Frasier takes it. The geniuses come in as Niles is making baby
noises.
Frasier: Niles, wake up, wake up.
Saphron: Excuse me.
Frasier: Oh, Dr. Saphron. Goodness, this is quite an honour.
Frasier stands up to shake his hand. However, he has the tablecloth
tucked into his shirt and as he stands pulls the whole tablecloth,
cuterly and dishes off the table including Niles who falls in a heap
on the floor.
Frasier: Allow me to introduce, Dr. Niles Crane.
Niles sneezes, wipes his nose with his hand and then puts his hand
up. The geniuses decide against it.
Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment.
Frasier is making beef patties in the kitchen with some mince meat as
Niles enters still tired.
Frasier: Oh, hello Niles, I'm surprised to see you up so soon. Are
you all right?
Niles: I feel not bad. A little dry. When I blink it makes a
scratching noise.
Frasier: Let me get you a little water, here.
Niles: Thank you. [gets some water] Well, how long did we last the
lunch?
Frasier: Well, not too long. Nine thousand dollars doesn't buy the
liesurely lunch it used to. [laughs]
Niles: Wait a minute, I thought it was eight thousand.
Frasier: No, no, you knocked over the aquarium on the way out. You
know, when ever I feel envy about your IQ again, I'll just
conjure up the image of you sprawled out on the bed of live
Koi. Weeping indesperately trying to revive that little
plastic diver.
Niles: Oh, dear.
Martin looks on through the hatch from upstage.
Martin: All right, Niles? Hurry up with those patties, I got five
more pounds in the fridge.
Frasier: Right, dad. [Martin goes back to the balcony] Dad's having
his poker chums over to give him a hand with the barbecue.
You can give me a hand here.
Niles: [starts making patties] When's it going to end, Frasier. All
this obsessive competitiveness.
Frasier: Probably never, Niles. Whether it started with seeking mom's
approval or some other insecurity. We're locked in a pattern
now, that we'll probably never get out of.
Niles: That sounds bleak.
Frasier: No, no, not necessarily. There have been some benefits to
it. I probably wouldn't have done so well at school if it
hadn't had been for my fear that I'd be bested by my brainy
little brother.
Niles: Well, I was certainaly spurred on by your success as well.
Why else would I have joined the chess club and the drama
club and the key club. And what other possible reason would
there be spending an entire summer training a seeing-eye
dog. Aside from helping the blind.
Frasier: You know what, I might not have pushed myself on to Harvard
and Oxford.
Niles: Well, I might not have been led to psychiatry which has been
the saving grace of my life.
Frasier: You see, Niles, frankly, we both have a lot to thank each
other for. We've come a long way from those two little boys
just starting for a parent's approval.
Martin enters.
Martin: How are they coming?
Frasier: Oh, just great, dad. We're going as fast as we can. Here you
are. [gives him the first batch]
Martin: Nice job on those patties.
Frasier: Thank you.
Niles: You really think so?
Martin: Yeah, not too thick, not too thin, tight enough to hold
their shape. Perfect!
Frasier: Thank you, dad.
Niles: Just wait until you see the next batch.
Frasier: Yeah!
Martin exits as they get another lot of mince meat from the fridge.
Niles: I'm surpised you let him keep that out there.
Frasier: Oh well, it's a bit of an eye-saw and frankly, kinda of a
fire hazard, but what the hell? It makes him happy.
Niles: You lodged an anonymous complaint with the building didn't
you?
Frasier: It'll be gone by Thursday!
They carry on making patties.
End of Act Two. [time: : ]
Credits:
Martin is barbecuing on the balcony and talking cheerfully to
someone offscreen. In a moment we see that his companion is Queen
Elizabeth in full coronation regalia, who smiles raffishly and throws
an empty Ballantyne can off the balcony. Martin chuckles and hands
her a fresh beer, which she downs with gusto.
Daphne wakes up on the couch and checks the balcony, but there is no
sign of Martin or Her Majesty. She shakes her head and resumes
dusting as we fade out.
Synopsis {kathy churay}
ACT ONE
SCENE ONE -- Frasier's Apartment
Niles arrives at Frasier's apartment dressed in black tie, as is
Frasier. Roz follows close behind dressed in an evening gown and
carrying Alice, whom Daphne has agreed to babysit for the evening.
Daphne is seated at the dining room table working at a laptop
computer.
Roz is unhappy that Frasier has once again donated a "day behind the
scenes at the Frasier Crane show" to the silent auction at the
benefit they are all attending that evening, for the Kelly Ann
Grunther Foundation. Roz complains that last year she was trapped in
her booth for hours with a victim of bad dental hygiene, and she
doesn't want it to happen again this year.
Martin emerges from his room in his tux and asks for Daphne's help
with his cufflinks. As she leaves the dining table Niles goes over
to the computer and asks what Daphne is doing. Daphne reveals she is
chatting on-line with Donny. Just then the computer chimes and
Daphne asks Niles to read her what Donny has written. Apparently
Donny is on a trip and is missing his "wittle Engwish cwumpet."
Daphne asks Niles to take over typing while she helps Martin, and
begins dictating a treacly message about how she much loves Donny.
Niles types for a moment but when her dictation gets too gooey,
surreptitiously hits a button. "Goodbye!" chirps the computer, and
the connection is lost.
Meanwhile Frasier and Roz return from putting Alice to bed. As they
don their coats Martin brags of having worked out a system to get
anything he wants at the silent auction with only the minimum bid.
Frasier tells him that trying to save money is hardly in the spirit
of the charity auction, and Martin challenges him to tell who Kelly
Ann Grunther is. Frasier tries to cover, but really he has no idea,
nor do Niles and Roz.
FADE OUT.
SCENE TWO - The Benefit
Frasier and Niles are checking out the auction offerings and notice
that one item being auctioned off is a luncheon with three Nobel
laureates. Both are intrigued, and Niles writes his bid on the pad in
front of the luncheon notice.
Martin is standing guard over his auction choice, a handsome gas
barbecue grill being eyed by an elegantly dressed woman. He
implements his auction strategy by speculating loudly on whether this
grill isn't the one that had been recalled because of an exploding
propane tank. The woman hurries off and Martin is smugly satisfied
with his maneuver.
Roz is talking with another woman who is interested in the
behind-the-scenes day at the Frasier Crane Show, telling her that if
she wins she will get to spend the afternoon with Roz. As the woman
makes her bid and moves away, Roz's admirer Noel Shemsky appears in a
tux, eager to bid for an afternoon with Roz. Roz tries to discourage
him from writing his bid by hiding the pen, but alas, Noel wears one
around his neck and happily writes down his bid.
Meanwhile Niles and Frasier are once again scoping out the bids on
the laureate luncheon. Niles is discouraged to learn that his bid
has been doubled by another guest, but quickly recognizes the name as
one Frasier had used as a pen name in writing for his prep school
newspaper. Frasier protests that he had merely wanted to protect
Niles from starting a bidding war prompted by sibling rivalry. Niles
isn't impressed.
Roz is encouraging her first bidder to top Noel's effort. She does
so, exclaiming that she can't believe she has bid so much. Roz tells
her what a wonderful time they're going to have as Noel sneaks over
and tops the woman's bid once again. the timekeeper calls the five
minute warning and Roz is desperate not to sit with Noel for an
afternoon, so she pursues the woman and begs her to raise her bid.
The woman does so, saying that she had thought she sensed "a spark"
between her and Roz. She invites Roz to dinner after their afternoon
at the station, and Roz weighs the sticky romantic situation against
spending an afternoon with the love-struck Noel. It takes only a
moment for Roz to decide. "Do you like Italian?" Roz asks bravely as
the woman obligingly raises her bid.
Niles and Frasier are engaged in a poker-like duel of bid and
counter-bid, until finally Niles tops Frasier's bid by $50 as the
whistle blows to end the auction. The auctioneer jubilantly
announces the winning for the Nobel laureate luncheon -- $4,050 bid
by Niles Crane. Niles is aghast at the money he has spent. The crowd
applauds and the auctioneer is so impressed that he proposes an
exception to the usual rule, allowing an additional place setting at
the luncheon for Frasier if he will match his brother's bid.
Embarrassed into it, Frasier reluctantly agrees, muttering to Niles
that at least the money goes to charity. Martin shakes his head as
the auctioneer proclaims that thanks to the brothers Crane, there
will be a lot fewer homeless cats on the streets of Seattle for the
coming year.
FADE OUT.
ACT TWO
Frasier and Niles Discover Whose Is Bigger
SCENE ONE - Frasier's Apartment
The Crane men arrive home after the auction as Daphne inquires how it
went. Martin crows over acquiring the new grill, the "Windsor-monic
2000" and wonders aloud whether that's the one the British royal
family uses. Daphne observes sourly that that was surely the
inspiration for the newest English postage stamp -- QEII with
barbecue tongs and a sauce brush. As she heads toward her room she
remarks that Roz has already been to the apartment to collect Alice,
taking the highway to avoid Noel on his Moped.
As the brothers sit down for a post-auction brandy Niles begins to
speculate about the origins of the sibling rivalry that led him and
Frasier to spend so much money that evening. Frasier replies that it
must have begun with competition for their mother's attention, and
each of them recounts examples of why Mom loved the other brother
best. At last they conclude that neither one of them had been the
favorite, and their whole lifelong history of competition has been
pointless.
Frasier reminds Niles about the IQ tests they had taken as children.
Their mother had refused to tell them anything except that they were
only two points apart. Niles confesses that he thought Frasier's
score was higher, and Frasier agrees he thought the same about Niles.
But they keep picking at the issue, and eventually rationalize that
it would be a real sign of growth on their parts to find out the IQ
scores now and avoid getting into a rivalry over them.
At this point Martin returns to the living room in more comfortable
clothes and the brothers inquire about the IQ scores. Martin doesn't
remember them, but tells them he keeps an old Ballantyne case up in
his closet with all the boys' childhood mementos. They rush off to
retrieve the box as Daphne returns, marveling at how much money the
brothers spent at the auction. Martin tells her they were always
competitive. This prompts Daphne to launch into a rather gruesome
story about her brothers' competitiveness that involved her brothers
"bowling" the youngest brother Michael across a frozen lake in a
burlap sack.
Niles and Frasier return with the Ballantyne box and have fun
rummaging through the ribbons and certificates and art of their
childhood until Niles finds the IQ scores. He congratulates Frasier
on his near-genius score -- 129. Frasier congratulates him on his
"two points higher" score of 131, but Niles can't repress a smug
grin. Their mother's two-point fiction was a cover for Niles's much
higher score of 156. Frasier tries hard to be pleased for Niles, and
Niles compliments him on his maturity, but it's clear the fun has gone out of the evening and Frasier calls it a night. The moment
Niles is out the door Frasier snaps at Daphne, "How late is that
university library open?" He heads to the kitchen to fill a thermos
with coffee to keep himself awake during the night as he studies for
his upcoming lunch with "the four geniuses."
FADE OUT.
SCENE TWO - Fiddlesticks Restaurant - The Next Afternoon
Niles is already seated at the table as a bleary but prepared Frasier
arrives. Niles quickly tells Frasier he knows his brother spent the
night at the university library. Frasier counters with the
observation that Niles is sneezing and scratching his ear, and the
only possible cause is that Niles's parchment mite allergy was
aggravated by spending the night in the stacks at that very same
library.
As Niles blusters about not letting his brother get the upper hand at
the luncheon, he takes another dose of the same allergy pills he's
already taken for the sneezing, and soon his speech begins to wander
and he makes less and less sense. Frasier eye begins to twitch from
the effects of all the caffeine he has consumed, and Niles leans
nonchanalantly on the butter dish as he accuses his brother of
hallucinations. Things deteriorate rapidly and Niles ends up with
his head on the table as the Nobel laureates show up. Frasier has
accidentally tucked the end of the tablecloth into his belt along
with his napkin, and as he rises to greet the guests he pulls the
entire tablecloth and his brother onto the floor.
FADE OUT.
SCENE THREE - Frasier's Kitchen - Later That Afternoon
Frasier is making hamburger patties for Martin's barbecue grill as
Niles wanders into the kitchen still dazed with sleep. Niles
doesn't remember the end of the luncheon, and Frasier reminds him
that Niles knocked over the restaurant's aquarium on the way out,
causing an additional $1,000 worth of damage and humiliating himself
as he attempted to revive the litlle plastic diver from the fish
tank. Niles is depressed over the results of their rivalry until
they begin to talk about all the good that's come from it -- their
academic successes, their thriving careers, always spurred on by fear
of being bested by the other brother. They are congratulating
themselves on getting over the need for a parent's approval when
Martin enters the kitchen looking for the hamburger patties. He
remarks that the ones they've made are just perfect, and the two
brothers glow at this evidence of their father's approval.
FADE OUT.
Credits:
Martin is barbecuing on the balcony and talking cheerfully to
someone offscreen. In a moment we see that his companion is Queen
Elizabeth in full coronation regalia, who smiles raffishly and throws
an empty Ballantyne can off the balcony. Martin chuckles and hands
her a fresh beer, which she downs with gusto.
Daphne wakes up on the couch and checks the balcony, but there is no
sign of Martin or Her Majesty. She shakes her head and resumes
dusting as we fade out.
Legal Stuff
This episode capsule is copyright 2000 by Nick Hartley. This
episode summary remains property of Frasier, Copyright of Paramount
Productions and NBC. Printed without permission.
