Decoys Written by David Lloyd
Directed by Pamela Fryman
=====================================================================
Production Code: 6.16.
Original Airdate on NBC: 25th February 1999.
Original Airdate on CH4: 23rd April 1999.
Transcript written on 25th April 1999.
Scene Summary written on 26th February 1999.
Quotes & Scene Summary {nick hartley}
Frasier & Martin are sitting in their apartment as Daphne walks
through the door laughing with Donny.
Martin: Hey! How was your afternoon?
Daphne: Do you know what this wonderful man did?!
Donny: [modest:] Oh Daphne, don't..
Daphne: He filled a basket full of me favourite English foods; blood
pudding, jellied eels, kidney pie. And then he hid it in a
shrub so that we'd stumble upon it during our stroll through
the park.
Donny: I was only afraid that somebody would find it before we got
there but fortunately, untouched.
Frasier: Yes well just because it was untouched doesn't mean somebody
didn't find it.
Niles enters the room from the kitchen.
Daphne: Hello Dr. Crane.
Niles: [happily:] Hello Daphne. [much less enthusiastic:] Donny.
Donny: Look what I've got for you. Think fast.
Donny throws Niles some keys, however as usual he doesn't think fast
and the keys go flying off. Frasier picks them up and hands them to
Niles.
Niles: What are the keys too?
Donny: Your ex-wife's lake front cottage.. now YOUR lake front
cottage. A little something I hammered out for you in the
sun-let.
Niles: Thankyou Donny! I never thought I'd see "Shady Glen" again.
Donny & Daphne kiss at the door. Donny leaves and Daphne walks over
to the other side of the room.
Frasier: Congratulations Niles.
Martin: Looks like Donny really did a job on Maris' legal team!
Niles: Yes well he certainly is ruthless all right. [in Daphne's
ear shot:] A divorce lawyer, what a callous attitude he must
have towards human relationships.
Daphne: Yeah, you'd think so Dr. Crane, but actually he's just the
opposite. I've never met anyone so incredibly romantic.
[leaves to her room]
Niles: [shouting:] Yes, I'm sure he seems that way on the
outside...
Frasier: [sternly:] Niles, please, stop what you're doing. Seemingly
enough when she's actually in the room!
Niles: I'm sorry, what am I supposed to do! For the first time
since I've known her, I'm free and single and now she's with
someone. I'm supposed to just suffer in silence?!
Martin: I'd take that!
Niles: I just don't understand, what does she see in him? [to
Frasier:] If you were Daphne would you go out with Donny?
Frasier: Well no, but I wouldn't massage dad's ass for what I pay her
either! [Martin looks mad] Look, I'm sorry Niles, it's just
that Donny & Daphne seem very happy together. Now either
it's true love in which case it's too late for you to
declare yourself, or it's just a temperoray infactuation.
Niles: [jumping with hope:] It's got to be!
Frasier: ...In which case it will pass and then you can make your
move! Oh and in the mean time I suggest that maybe you start
looking else where. Maybe you should make a fresh start, do
something to take your mind off of Daphne.
Niles: I know, I know, it's just difficult.
Frasier: Yes, I understand that. Say, you know what, I've got an
idea. How about the three of us go up to that new cabin of
yours for the weekend.
Martin: Oh sorry I can't. I've got a dentist appointment, Saturday
morning.
Frasier: Well that's alright, Dad. Niles can go up Friday night, put
things together, and then you and I can travel up Saturday
afternoon.
Niles: [excited:] Why not? It's a fabulous place, dad. It's got a
stereo, a big screen TV and a sauna, wine celler.
Frasier: [laughs:] Perfect for three guys roughing it in the
wilderness.
Martin: Well, I'm game.
Frasier: You know, I can stop at the meat shop, pick up a couple of
ducks and make my justly celebrated "Duck Al'orange".
Niles: Washed down with a winsome yet robust Chamboten.
Martin: And I'll bring a quarter Whisky in case of snake bite.
Niles: Dad, dad there are no snakes up there.
Martin: [feeling happy:] All right, I'll bring a snake! [leaves to
his room]
Frasier: This is great Niles. You know, I've got to dash down to the
mailbox to drop that letter in before the last pick up.
Niles, trust me, you'll be glad you took my advice on this
one.
Niles: I already am, thankyou Frasier. It'll do me a world of good
to get away from Daphne for a while.
Frasier: I couldn't agree more. [he leaves as Daphne enters from her
bedroom]
Niles: Hey Daphne, how'd you like to see my new lake front cottage?
They enter the kitchen where she potters about.
Daphne: Sounds lovely, when?
Niles: This weekend. We'll all going. You can drive up with me on
Friday, dad & Frasier will be.. right behind.
Daphne: Well that's very sweet Dr. Crane but I can't. My cousin is
coming to San Fransisco this weekend and I promised I'd fly
down.
Niles: That's a shame.
Daphne: Yeah, Donny's not too thrilled about it either. He wanted to
come with me.
Niles: And he's not?
Daphne: No. That would have meant staying in a hotel together and I'm
not sure we're ready for that yet. I suppose you think I'm
being a bit old fashioned.
Niles: [extatic from the news:] Dear God in heaven no.
Daphne: You can't force these things, you have to wait for the moment
when you know it's right.
Niles: [hopefull:] Yes, and sometimes the moment never comes and you
just have to move on.
Daphne: [nods:] But I really appreciate the invitation and I'll hope
you'll invite me again.
Niles: [joking:] Alright, Daphne how would you like to see my new
lake front cottage?
Daphne laughs with him and hits him on the shoulder as a joke. He
jokily hits her back. They do this for a while reminiscent of the
"Heart & Soul" scene in First Date. However, Niles slaps the counter
at the end feeling depressed.
THIS COULD BE THE START
OF SOMETHING WIERD
The next day Martin & Niles are sitting in Café Nervosa when Roz
arrives.
Roz: Martin! Oh this place is jammed.
Martin: Oh here. [stands up and hands seat over] Roz, you can have my
seat. I'm on my way to Dukes. How's the world treating 'ya?
Roz: Like dirt! My social life is non-existant, everytime I meet a
guy who's half way decent all I have to do is mention I've
got a kid and he runs like a cheap pair of pantyhose.
Martin: Well maybe you and Niles can cheer each other up.
Niles: [nervous:] Dad!
Roz: Why what's his problem?
Martin: Oh Daphne's got a new boyfriend. It's eating him up!
Niles: Dad!
Roz: [to Niles:] You've got a thing for Daphne?
Martin: What you didn't know that after all these years?
Roz: No. I can't believe Daphne never told me.
Martin: Well, how could she, she doesn't know either. [they laugh]
Roz: You're kidding!
Niles: Yes, he's a great kidder. Now go on dad run along, you be
very careful crossing streets!
Martin: Six years can you believe it? Some time just don't know when
it's time to pull the plug. [leaves]
Niles: [shouting after him:] Well I won't make that mistake twice!
Roz: So lemme get this straight, you've been hot for Daphne all
this time and you've never made a move?
Niles: I was a happily married man.
Roz: You were never happy and you've been seperated for almost two
years.
Niles: Well, somehow the right moment never came along.
Roz: Oh come on, I'm not trying to make you feel bad, it's just
waiting all this time and now she's got a boyfriend. [laughs]
My God, that is really pathetic! [chuckles]
Niles: Obviously you've never let someone you've grown to care
deeply about get away.
Roz: Well sure I have.
Niles: I'm not talking about when the migrant workers leave at the
end of the picking season.
Roz: No really, I've had a couple of boyfriends I shouldn't have
let get away.
Niles: Serious relationships?
Roz: Yeah, infact I can name one right off the top of my head.
That lawyer I gave you; Donny.
Niles: Really?
Roz: Yeah, I mean you only know him professionaly but he's very
funny, warm, thoughtful. [smiling:] We were together for
about six months but he really wanted a family and I wasn't
ready so I dumped him. Now I have a family but no Donny. Gee,
I wonder who he's seeing these days?
Niles: [laughs uncotrollably]
Roz: What's so funny.
Niles: [laughing:] I'll tell you in a minute, let me just savour it,
you've been having all the fun!
Roz: Tell me. [laughs with him]
Niles: Donny is Daphne's boyfriend.
Roz: [suddenly stops laughing:] That's not funny! When did this
happen?
Niles: Well, she met him when he was working on my case.
Roz: [sighs] Wow, and I was calling you a loser.
Niles: You never called me a loser.
Roz: In my head I did!
Niles: Well, at the moment I would have to agree with you. I've had
plenty of opportunities and I've always chickened out.
Roz: Oh don't blame yourself. She's living with your brother,
working for your dad: it's an arkward situation.
Niles: It is! Well... don't feel bad about Donny. He wasn't right
for you at the time: that's nobody's fault.
Roz: Thanks Niles. Hey listen, the next time you find somebody you
like: don't take so long to tell her. [looks at watch and
gets up:] I've got a babysitter waiting. Mrs. Heims is
seventy years old and has a mole like Abe Lincoln but I bet
SHE has plans for the weekend!
Niles: You know what, I just had the craziest idea. My settlement
with Maris includes a beautiful lake front cottage and I'm
going up there this afternoon. Why don't you come along? You
can bring Alice.
Roz: Are you serious?
Niles: Well Frasier and dad are coming up tomorrow, but tonight it'd
just be us. Love's losers licking our wounds, laughing at our
pain.
Roz: Gee, I don't know..
Niles: Wo', Frasier's making Duck Al'orange and I'm bringing the
wine. What about it?
Roz: [surprised:] Well, I never thought I'd say this but you're
on. [shake hands]
Niles: [excited:] In a funny way this reminds me of that wonderful
moment in "A Streetcar Named Desire" when the brutish Stanley
says to the ultra-refined Blanche, "We've had this date with
each other from the beginning."
Roz: Well I don't know the play all that well but I can tell you
right now I'm not all that refined.
Niles: Actually, I was picturing you as Stanley.
Roz gives Niles a look as they both leave the café together.
End Of Act One. (Time: 8:00)
Act Two. Niles is in his lake front cottage opening a bottle of wine
when Donny walks through the front door with his cases.
Niles: Donny, so glad you could make it.
Donny: Well thanks for inviting me. [looks around] Wow, this is a
great place to get some work done. And no distractions in
sight. Thankyou.
Roz enters from the kitchen.
Niles: Donny, I'd like to introduce... [mock remembering:] Oh that's
right, you two know each other don't you!
Donny: [surprised:] Oh Roz, how the hell are you, I didn't know you
were going to be here. This is going to be fun. Niles, I've
gotta put these things some where..
Roz: I didn't know you'd be here.
Niles: Oh yeah, just in one the bedrooms over there. Oh becareful not
to wake Roz's baby. She's in that first.
Donny: Roz, you've got a baby. Congratulations, that means that
you're...
Niles: Married? No, she's free as a bird!
Donny: I'll try to be quiet [exits]
Roz then needs to question Niles.
Roz: What the hell is this?
Niles: What do you mean, I just thought you two would might enjoy
reminissing about all the good times you've shared...
Roz: Oh no you don't! Donny is seeing Daphne and I'm not the kind
who steals other people's boyfriends. Not friend's boyfriends,
not good friend's boyfriends... [sitting down mad:] not again!
Niles: Roz, you might recall you went out with him for six months.
She's only seen him three or four times, they're not even
sleeping together.
Roz: What?! How would you know?
Niles: She told me. I don't want to be the bad guy here but you did
have him first and he did want to make a life with you.
Roz: Listen there is no way that I am going... [suddenly:] She
hasn't slept with him?!
Niles: [excusing:] She's English!
Roz: Why don't you just admit it, you're just doing this because
you want Daphne.
Niles: [excited:] Yes, yes, yes, I want Daphne - I think we belong
together just like I think you and Donny belong together and
why should two people be happy when four people can be
ecstatic!
Roz: Hey, you've got a point there! [ethical:] No, no, no, no, it's
just not right!
At this moment Donny walks out of Alice's room carrying a wide awake
baby - Alice.
Donny: Roz, I swear I did not wake her, she was already up when I
went into look at her. [mushy:] She's got such a sweet little
face.
Roz: Her name is Alice.
Donny: Hi Alice, I'm Donny.
Roz: She doesn't usually let strangers hold her.
Donny: Oh, I've always been pretty good with kids. [to Alice:] Come
on sweety. [exits to bedroom]
Roz: [to Niles:] How's my hair?
Niles puts the thumbs up at Roz before she follows Donny. Niles is
happy with what he has done. He takes his glass of wine and sits down
on the couch. But before he his back has touched the pillow, the door
opens which causes Niles to stand up in a startle.
Frasier: Niles!
Niles: [irate:] Frasier, dad, what are you doing here today?
Martin: Oh my dentist is sick, we had to reschedule.
Niles: Oh no!
Martin: He just had cold.
Frasier: You haven't even heard the worst yet Niles, the butcher shop
was closed so here I am with all my spices - everything I
need to make my duck al'orange - all I've got is the
l'orange!
Martin: Well, looks like we're going to have get our ducks the old
fashioned way [picks up shotgun], but we better get a move
on there's only a couple of hours of daylight left.
Niles: Yes, I saw some boxs of ammo in the mud room dad, through
the kitchen.
Frasier: [mad:] Are you insane?! I'm not going to shoot any ducks,
it's barbaric!
Martin: Oh I get it! You'll eat them but you won't kill them. What
do you think? These things are born al'orange?!
Niles: [laughs:] Dad does have a point you know, there is a duck
line right across the lake and it would be such a good
opportunity for you two to bond.
Frasier: What about you?
Niles: Well, I will stay here and season the sands.
Frasier: But I'm not going hunting!
Niles: Then you'll just have to drive back to Seattle, find another
shop that's open and come back tomorrow as schedule! [pushes
him to door]
Frasier: What the hells going on? Trying to get rid of us? [Martin
enters]
Niles: That's poposterous, why should I be trying to..
Roz enters from the bedroom and realises the company.
Roz: Frasier! Martin! You weren't supposed to be here until
tomorrow.
Martin: Roz, what are you doing here?
Roz: Niles brought me. I'm just going to go heat up at bottle for
Alice.
Roz exits to the kitchen. Martin thinks that Niles & Roz are here for
a date and nudges Niles on the shoulder with a saucy look.
Frasier: [surprised:] Roz!
Niles: Roz? [realising:] Oh, Roz! Yes, so why don't you two run
along and leave me alone with... [surprised at himself:]
Roz.
Frasier: Roz?!
Niles: Well didn't you urge me to make a fresh start?
Frasier: True, but I gotta tell you Niles, Roz isn't the freshest
start you could make.
Martin: Now cut out Frasier, if they want to be alone together for a
while that's fine. We're going to go hunting now come on.
Frasier: I'm not going hunting dad. Roz and Niles please. You guys
have nothing in common.
Niles: Frasier, we're not getting married. We're going to spend an
afternoon together and see what comes from it and there's
nothing wrong in trying something different!
Martin: Which is exactly what you're going to do right now, so come
on let's get some ducks..
Niles: And please take as long as you need.
Frasier: [protesting:] I don't want to go hunting!
Martin: Now come on! Didn't you ever hear the expression, "Two's
company, Three's a crowd"?
Frasier: No dad, I don't think I ever did, how does it go?!
Frasier and Martin leave, mad with each other through the front door.
Donny walks downstairs and heads for the front door, Niles stops him:
Donny: I left some papers in the car.
Niles: [stops him:] Oh, where did'ya park?
Donny: Out back!
Niles: Ah, well then it's best to go through the kitchen because we
have a loose plank on the porch.
Donny: I already came in that way!
Niles: You cheated death once, don't push your luck!
As Niles pushes Donny away to the kitchen, Frasier enters through the
front door.
Frasier: Niles, One last warning, take it from someone who knows you
both: You and Roz are not a good couple.
Niles: I understand you saying that but, believe me, I have seen a
new Roz today and underneath that brazen exterior she is a
sweet, sensitive, shy, vunreable woman.
Roz: [calling from kitchen:] Niles, have you seen my nipples?
Niles and Frasier look at each other. Frasier leaves in disgusts as
Roz enters through the kitchen with Alice's bottles. The sucking part
of them are missing.
CHICKS AND DUCKS AND
GEESE NEEDN'T WORRY
Meanwhile, Frasier & Martin are in the duck blind. They both have
shotguns and Frasier is carrying a duck call.
Frasier: Niles & Roz? It's just ridiculous.
Martin: Oh, not this again!
Frasier: Well, they are just completely incompatible.
Martin: Haven't you ever heard about opposites attracting, I mean
look at your mother and me. We were together for six months,
no-one thought it would last: we had forty happy years
together!
Frasier: I never thought of it that way.
Martin: And then, there are those relationships where people have a
ton of things in common and of course [sarcastic:] they
always work out real well! [laughs]
Frasier: Thankyou dad, I suppose that was a back handed comment about
me and Lilith.
Martin: [holding gun up:] Wouldn't it be great if she was flying by
here on her broomstick right now. [they laugh] Come on, sign
up.
Frasier: No, dad, I told you I'm not shooting anything.
Martin: Alright, blow the duck call.
Frasier: [blows duck call twice:] You know dad, I keep thinking about
you and mum; maybe Niles and Roz do have a chance.
Martin: Sure they do. Blow it again.
Frasier: [blows duck call twice:] Gosh you know, I hope I didn't
discourage Niles too much by the way I reacted. You know how
much stock he puts in my opinion.
Martin: Blow it Frasier.
Frasier: [blows duck call twice]
Martin: I didn't mean the duck call!
DOESN'T ANYONE WANT TO
SEE THE DAMNED SUNSET
Meanwhile, back in the cottage. Roz and Donny are getting on like a
house on fire. They are lauging and joking about old times when Niles
enters carrying some nibbles.
Donny: [to Niles:] You have to hear this.. [notices time:] Oh I
didn't realise it had gotten so late. I have to fax these
contracts to the office right away. You wouldn't happen to
have a machine would you.
Niles: Well there's one in the study, it's right down the hall but
can't that wait? We're all getting so mellow here.
Donny: You're right, it can wait. You know what we need? Another
bottle of wine, I'll go an get it. [leaves to kitchen]
Niles: Excellent, excellent. [to Roz:] Well, it's going well don't
you think?
Roz: Yeah, except your dad and Frasier will be here any minute: if
either one of them sees Donny things are over.
Niles: They are not going to see Donny because you are going to
invite him to watch the sunset down by the lake, you're going
to continue to work his charms on him until you invite him out
to dinner. Who knows where that will lead?! [laughs] What am I
saying, we both know where that'll lead!
Roz: Do you really think it'll work.
Niles: Yes, yes, yes, yes.
At this point, unknown to Niles and Roz, Frasier enters and catches
the rest of the conversation:
Niles: You go down there, you enjoy that romantic sunset. I'll stay
here with the baby.
Frasier: [mad:] Oh for heaven's sake. You're not going to let her go
down there and enjoy the sunset by herself!
Niles: Frasier, what are you doing back so soon.
Frasier: I came back for some more ammo. Who knew ducks were so
shifty! I knew you took my advice to heart but I tell you
I've changed my mind: I now approve of you and Roz.
Niles: What?
Frasier: Yes, yes, the two of you should go for it. Now come on, off
you two go, let's go.
Niles: I don't think this is a good idea.
Frasier: Why not?
Roz: I've changed my mind too, I'd rather stay here.
Frasier: What? You know, you guys are putting far too much sock in my
opinion. Lets get down to the lake and enoy that sunset. Not
another word. Down to the lake.
Frasier manages to push Niles and Roz out of the front door and
follows them. Donny enters from the kitchen with a bottle of wine and
is surprised by the lack of people.
Donny: OK, I've got a b..
Donny is mesmorised but that is soon altered when Alice is heard
crying from her bedroom. Donny puts the wine on the table and runs
upstairs. After he exits, Frasier enters through the front door and
goes to the table. He sniffs the wine and pulls a face before
entering the kitchen for the extra ammo. At this point, Niles and Roz
enter the room again:
Niles: You wait here, I'll get Donny. [enters kitchen saying:] You
know Roz is heading down to the lake to catch that sunset.
Frasier: [pushing Niles back out with him:] And you should be going
with her! For God's sake, I told the two of you I withdraw
my objections. Come on let's go.
Roz: I'm really worried about leaving Alice here alone.
Frasier: Roz, I will attend to the baby. I was just about to make
myself a cup of tea anyway. Come on, let's go. March! Both
of you! Out the door! You're going to catch that sunset if I
have to drag you down there myself.
Frasier, Roz and Niles leave via the front door as Donny comes back
out of Alices' room. He takes his documents and heads down to the fax
in the hall. He closes the door behind him. Then Frasier enters back
through the front door and into the kitchen, where he is pushed back
out again by Daphne who has just arrived.
Frasier: Daphne!
Daphne: [laughing:] I'm sorry. Did I startle you?
Frasier: No, no, no, no, no. That's quite alright. It's just that if
Niles knew you were here he would never... well, forgive
himself for not being here to greet you.
Daphne: Oh he wasn't expecting me. Me plans changed and I thought
I'd drive up and join you all.
Frasier: Oh, isn't that nice. [mad:] You've got to leave!
Daphne: [outraged:] Why?
Frasier: You see, Niles is up here for what I think you Brits call a
"Dirty Weekend" with someone. That someone happens to be
Roz.
Daphne: Roz? You mean Roz, Roz?
Frasier: Yes, yes, you've gotta get outta here.
Daphne: But I just drove two hours and it's getting dark outside.
Frasier: Alright, I'll tell you what, there's a nice bed and
breakfast just up the road. I think dad, you and I should
all stay there this evening, alright?
Daphne: Alright, but if you don't mind: could I use the bathroom
first?
Frasier: No-no, course right in there.
Daphne enters the bathroom and Alice starts crying. Frasier runs up
the stairs to tend for her. Meanwhile, Niles and Roz enter back into
the room and realise that someone is in Alice's room. They think it's
Donny, so Niles goes up there:
Niles: Why don't I take over here and you can join Roz.
Frasier: [enters from room:] For the love of God! If I knew the two
of you'd take my words more seriously I would have chosen
them more carefully. For God's sake get out of here, get
down to that lake!
Roz: You know, I really think I should check on Alice.
Frasier: No, Roz, the baby is just fine. She went out like a light.
Come on, let's go Niles.
Meanwhile, Niles has noticed that Donny is at the fax machine. So he
blocks the door to the hall by the chair and sits in the chair.
However Donny begins opening it, so Niles shuffles about covering up
the sound.
Niles: You know, I think it's much more romantic to stay here by
the fire than watch some sunset. [Roz joins him] Why don't
you clear out so we can have our privacy.
Frasier: [confused:] Alright.
He is just about to leave when Daphne opens the bathroom door to
enter the main room. Frasier pushes her back in and stands in front
of it.
Frasier: On the other hand, you know, you can enjoy the fire all
night long: you've only got ten more minutes for the sunset.
Martin: [enters from door:] Are you going to get some ammo whilst
it's still daylight, it's almost sunset.
Frasier: Don't tell me, tell them!
Martin: [trys to push Frasier away:] Is that the bathroom?
Frasier: No.
Niles: Yes it is.
Frasier: It's out of order.
At this point a knocking is heard on the door - Daphne's trying to
get out. Frasier opens the door and looks in, making a ssssh sound
which also could be interpretated as a gushing nose.
Frasier: My God, one of the pipes is burst and the other ones
knocking. [Roz and Niles give each other a wierd look]
Martin: Right is there one down the hallway there? [points to the
door Niles is blocking]
Niles: No.
Frasier: Yes there is!
Niles: No, it's out of order too!
Martin: [confused:] Well it's a good thing I brought all that beer!
Frasier: You know Niles, you've been acting awfully strangely. What
the heck is going on?
Niles: What do you mean?
Frasier: I mean that you show absolutely no desire to be alone with
Roz! I'm starting to have serious doubts about this so-
called "romance"!
Niles: Oh really, well does this look so-called to you? [to Roz:]
Come here Pookie!
Niles pulls Roz across his lap and kiss her a passionate kiss. They
stop for air before going back for another. At this point Donny walks
in through the front door, after getting out the back door, and spots
the two.
Donny: That's why the door was stuck. You two, why didn't you tell
me?
Frasier: Donny?
Daphne: [entering from bathroom:] Donny?
Niles: [dropping Roz:] Daphne?
Donny: Daphne?
Frasier: [to Donny:] What are you doing here?
Donny: Well Niles invited me.
Frasier: [realising:] Oh did he?
Donny: Yeah, it was real of him.. Roz and I had some chance to
catch up on old times..
Daphne: [remembering, but not angry:] Oh that's right, you two used
to date didn't you!
Frasier: Well, isn't that nice of Niles to organise this little
reunion?!
Daphne: I hope I don't have anything to worry about! [laughs]
Donny: Oh my are you kidding?
Donny and Daphne kiss which causes Roz and Niles to hit each other
with frustration.
Frasier: Well, [angrily:] obviously Roz and Niles can barely keep
their HANDS OF EACH OTHER! Well, why don't all of us get out
of here. Give these two little kids a little privacy.
Daphne: [to Donny:] You know, we could use some privacy of our own.
Dr. Crane tells me there's a bed and breakfast up the road
from here.
Donny: Really?
Daphne: [saucily:] Really.
Daphne leaves as Niles gorps at them. Donny stands in the doorway so
Daphne comes back.
Daphne: Even more fun if we both go.
Donny: Yes, yes. [they leave]
Martin: Well come on Frasier, let's get a nice "Sloppy Joe". I'll
pay for it.
Frasier: Something tells me I'll pay for it two. [to Roz & Niles:]
Oh, I realise that now you two don't need by blessings so
I'll just leave you with this. [sounds duck call and then
leaves]
End Of Act Two. (Time: 21:25)
Credits:
Martin is reading his paper in Frasier's apartment. Eddie walks on so
he sounds the duck call to scare him away. However Eddie just runs
and fetches a toy duck to Martin.
Synopsis {kathy churay}
This episode has been transcribed by Nick Hartley. But Kathy Churay has written a quick synopsis for those in a hurry.
ACT ONE
Scene 1 - Frasier's Apartment - Day
Martin is reading the paper and Frasier is at the table writing a
letter as Donny and Daphne come in from a walk in the park. Daphne
is glowing -- Donny romantically hid a basket filled with English
goodies under a bush in the park where Daphne would find it.
(Horrible stuff -- blood pudding, jellied eels, kidney pie.) Donny
is clearly smitten.
Niles enters from the kitchen, greets Daphne warmly and gives Donny a
decidedly cool reception. Donny tosses Niles a set of keys which
prove to be the keys to Shady Glen, Maris's lakefront cottage which
Donny has acquired for Niles in the settlement. Niles is grateful
but obviously torn, wanting to hate Donny but aware of the wonderful
job Donny's doing as his advocate. He's even more conflicted as
Daphne gives Donny a warm kiss goodbye at the door. After Donny's
departure Niles tries to tell Daphne how ruthless lawyers are, to
which Daphne responds that Donny is incredibly romantic, and exits
happily to her room.
Frasier reproves Niles for his unseemly behavior. Niles protests
that for the first time he's free and single, and now Daphne is
seeing someone. Frasier counsels patience:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Frasier: I'm sorry Niles, it's just that Donny and Daphne seem very
happy together. Now either it's true love, in which case
it's too late for you to declare yourself, or it's just a
temporary infatuation--
Niles: It's got to be! It's got to be!
Frasier: --in which case it will pass, and then you can make your
move. In the meantime I suggest that you start looking
elsewhere, maybe make a fresh start, do something to get
your mind off of Daphne.
Niles: I know, it's just difficult.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So Frasier suggests that he, Niles and Martin spend the weekend at
Niles' newly acquired lakefront cabin. Martin says he can't, he has
a dentist appointment on Saturday morning. Frasier suggest that
Niles should go up to the cabin on Friday night, and Frasier and
Martin can drive up on Saturday after Martin's appointment. Niles is
enthused and begins selling the place to Martin -- stereo, big screen
TV, wine cellar and sauna. Frasier catches Niles' enthusiasm and
says he will buy a couple of ducks on the way up to make his famous
Duck a l'Orange. Martin happily agrees and exits to his room.
Frasier goes out to mail his letter.
Frasier is barely out the door when Daphne reappears and Niles is
offering to drive her up to the cottage on Friday night. "We're all
going, and Dad and Frasier will be right behind." But Daphne can't.
One of her cousins will be in San Francisco over the weekend and
Daphne's promised to fly down. Donny's not coming with her, though.
"That would have meant staying in a hotel together and I'm not sure
we're ready for that yet." Niles is shocked and delighted to find
out she and Donny aren't sleeping together yet.
FADE OUT
Scene 2 - Cafe Nervosa
Niles and Martin are having coffee as Roz comes over with a cup of
coffee and nowhere to sit in the crowded cafe. Martin yields his
seat and puts on his jacket to head out to Duke's:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Martin: So how's the world treating you?
Roz: Like dirt. My social life is non-existent. Every time I
meet a guy who's halfway decent, all I have to do is mention
I have a kid and he runs like a cheap pair of pantyhose.
Martin: (laughing) Well, maybe you and Niles can cheer each other
up.
Niles: Dad--
Roz: Why, what's his problem?
Martin: Oh, Daphne's got a new boyfriend and it's eating him up.
Niles: (mortified) Dad!
Roz: What? (to Niles, avid for the gossip) You've got a thing
for Daphne?
Martin: You didn't know that after all these years?
Roz: No! I can't believe Daphne never told me!
Martin: Well, how could she? She doesn't know either.
Roz: (laughing) You're kidding!
Niles: (glaring) Yes! Yes, he's a great kidder. Now, Dad, you
run along, and you be very careful crossing streets.
Martin: (to Roz) Six years, can you believe it?
Roz: What?
Martin: Some people just don't know when it's time to pull the plug.
HE EXITS.
Niles: (calling after Martin) Well, I won't make that mistake
twice!
NILES IS DEFENSIVE AS ROZ GRILLS HIM.
Roz: So let me get this straight. You've been hot for Daphne all
this time and you've never made a move?
Niles: I was a happily married man.
Roz: You were never happy, and you've been separated for almost
two years.
Niles: Well, somehow the right moment never came along.
Roz: Oh, come on. I'm not trying to make you feel bad. It's just
that you've been waiting all this time, and now she's got a
boyfriend? (laughing) My god, that is really pathetic!
Niles: Obviously you've never let someone you've grown to care
deeply about get away.
Roz: Well, sure I have.
Niles: I'm not talking about when the migrant workers leave at the
end of the picking season.
Roz: No, really. I've had a couple of boyfriends I shouldn't have
let get away.
Niles: Serious relationships?
Roz: Yeah. In fact, I can name one right off the top of my head.
That lawyer I gave you? Donny?
Niles: (intrigued) Really?
Roz: Yeah. I mean, you only know him professionally, but he's
very funny. Warm, thoughtful... We were together for about
six months, but he wanted a family and I wasn't ready so I
dumped him. Now I have the family, but no Donny. Gee, I
wonder who he's seeing these days.
NILES BEGINS TO CHUCKLE MALICIOUSLY.
Roz: What's so funny?
Niles: (laughing) I'll tell you in a minute. I just want to savor
it. You've been having all the fun.
Roz: (laughing along with him) So tell me?
Niles: Donny is Daphne's boyfriend.
Roz: (upset) That's not funny! When did this happen?
Niles: She met him when he was working on my case.
Roz: Wow. And I was calling you a loser.
Niles: You never called me a loser.
Roz: In my head I was.
Niles: Well, at the moment I have to agree with you. I've had
plenty of opportunities and I always chickened out.
Roz: Aw, don't blame yourself. She's living with your brother,
working for your dad, it's an awkward situation.
Niles: It is! Well, don't feel bad about Donny. It wasn't right
for you at the time. That's nobody's fault.
Roz: Thanks, Niles. Hey, listen, the next time you find somebody
you like, don't wait so long to tell her. (rising to go)
Oh, I've got a babysitter waiting. Mrs. Hines is 70 years
old and has a mole like Abe Lincoln, but I'll bet she has
plans for the weekend.
Niles: You know what? I just had the craziest idea. My settlement
with Maris includes a beautiful lakefront cottage and I'm
going up there this afternoon. Why don't you come along?
You can bring Alice.
Roz: Are you serious?
Niles: Well, Frasier and Dad are coming up tomorrow, but tonight
it'd just be us. Love's losers, licking our wounds and
laughing at our pain.
Roz: Gee, I don't know, I...
Niles: Frasier's making Duck a l'Orange, and I'm bringing the wine.
What about it?
Roz: I never thought I'd say this, but you're on.
Niles: Oh! In a funny way, this moment reminds me of that wonderful
moment in "Streetcar Named Desire" when the brutish Stanley
says to the ultra-refined Blanche, "We've had this date with
each other from the beginning."
Roz: Well, I don't know the play that well, but I can tell you
right now I'm not all that refined.
Niles: Actually, I was picturing you more as Stanley.
FADE OUT
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ACT TWO
Scene 1 - The Cottage - Day
Niles is opening a bottle of wine as Donny knocks and opens the front
door. Niles is delighted to see him and Donny is happily planning to
get lots of work done over the weekend until Roz emerges from the
kitchen. Niles starts to introduce them, but "That's right, you two
already know each other!" He sips his wine innocently as Roz stands
transfixed at the sight of Donny, who greets her very warmly with a
kiss and a hug. (Nice guy, this Donny!)
Donny wants a place to leave his briefcase and Niles directs him to
an upstairs bedroom, carefully pointing out, "But don't wake Roz's
baby! She's in that first room." Donny the aspiring family man is
delighted. "Roz, you've got a baby? Congratulations! That means
that you're..." Niles: "Married? Nope, free as a bird!"
Roz is shocked and wants to know what Niles thinks he's doing. She
tells him she's not the type to steal a friend's boyfriend. Niles
argues very reasonably that: (1) Roz saw Donny for six months,
whereas Daphne's only had 3-4 dates with him, (2) Daphne and Donny
aren't sleeping together, and (3) Roz had Donny first, and he did
want to make a life with her. Roz is sorely tempted but accuses
Niles of doing this just so he can have Daphne.
Niles: "Yes! Yes! Yes, I want Daphne. I think we belong together,
just like I think you and Donny belong together. And why
should two people be happy when four people can be ecstatic?"
Roz is weakening but still resistant, when Donny comes out of the
bedroom carrying Alice. Apparently Alice doesn't take to strangers,
but she's putty in the hands of Donny. That's it for Roz. With a
last glance back at Niles and a whispered "How's my hair?" she
follows Donny out of the room.
Niles is just settling down on the couch with a self-satisfied smile
and a glass of wine when Frasier and Martin burst through the front
door with a hearty greeting. Niles appalled at their arrival a day
early. Martin's dentist was sick, and the butcher shop was closed,
so they headed up to the cabin early, with all the fixings for dinner
except for the duck. Martin says it's no problem. Patting the rack
of shotguns by the front door, he declares they can go out and shoot
their own ducks. Frasier refuses, but Martin argues for the hunt,
and goes off to the mud room to find ammunition for the shotguns.
Niles is attempting to push a resisting Frasier back out the front
door toward the duck blind, but Frasier refuses. "What the hell is
going on? Are you trying to get rid of us?" Niles' denial is cut
short by Roz emerging from the bedroom. To Frasier's shocked
inquiry she replies, "Niles brought me," then goes out to the kitchen
to heat up a baby bottle for Alice.
As soon as she's out of the room Martin begins to chuckle slyly and
nudge Niles knowingly. "Roz?" Frasier inquires in disbelief. Niles
decides to go with it and says he brought Roz to the cabin with
romantic intentions. After all, he's just following Frasier's advice
to make a fresh start. Martin, meanwhile, decides to cooperate with
Niles' new romance and pushes a reluctant Frasier out the door with
the rifles and hunting gear.
As Frasier and Martin leave, Donny emerges from the bedroom and is
about to go out the front door to his car to retrieve something, but
Niles pushes him out the back instead so he doesn't run into Frasier
and Martin. Just as Donny leaves, Frasier comes back in the front to
try to persuade Niles against forming a relationship with Roz. Niles
tells him Roz is a sweet person underneath her rough exterior, and
even Roz's call of "Niles, have you seen my nipples?" from the
kitchen isn't enough to dissuade him. Frasier leaves in a huff.
Scene 2 - The Duck Blind
As Frasier and Martin are sitting in the camouflage blind waiting for
ducks, they are discussing Niles's romance with Roz. Frasier is
appalled, can't think of two people who are more different. But
Martin points out that he and Hester were very different people and
had 40 happy years together. Frasier can't think of a rejoinder to
that argument, and has to admit he might be wrong. Knowing how his
opinion influences Niles, he decides to go back to the house to tell
Niles about his change of heart.
Scene 3 - The Cottage - Sunset
Donny and Roz are sitting on the couch enjoying the wine and one of
Donny's funny stories as Niles emerges from the kitchen with a plate
of canapes. Donny goes off to the kitchen to fetch another bottle of
wine, leaving Niles to grill Roz about her progress with Donny. Roz
is worried that Frasier and Martin will show up at any minute and
blow the whole plan, but Niles has another idea. Roz will take Donny
down to the lake to watch the sunset, where she'll work her charms on
him, invite him out to dinner, and then, who knows? Niles volunteers
to stay with the baby.
But Frasier walks in just in time to hear Niles planning to stay
inside with Alice. Frasier is appalled to think his opinion of their
romance is dampening their ardor, and he pushes them out the door
toward the lake to watch the sunset, following close behind them.
As he leaves the room Donny emerges from the kitchen into a now-empty
living room with the wine bottle. He doesn't have much time to
wonder about it as he hears Alice crying from upstairs and goes off
to comfort her.
Frasier returns to the cabin for the ammunition and spots Donny's
wine bottle. He picks it up, takes a sniff, makes a face and exits
to the kitchen.
As he leaves Niles and Roz sneak back in the front door. Niles heads
into the kitchen loudly dropping hints about Roz going to watch the
sunset, but instead of Donny he finds Frasier, who pushes him back
out into the living room and out the front door again with Roz.
Frasier follows.
As the door closes Donny emerges from the bedroom into an empty
living room, glances around, picks up a folder of documents and goes
off to the study to fax them.
As he leaves Frasier enters and heads for the kitchen, where he is
startled to meet Daphne coming in with her overnight bag. Daphne
tells Frasier about Niles' invitation, but Frasier tells her she has
to leave because Niles is at the cabin for an intimate weekend with
Roz. Daphne is surprised and reluctant to leave, having just driven
two hours and arriving just dark is approaching. But Frasier is
persuasive, and she agrees to go to a local bed and breakfast, to be
quickly followed by Frasier and Martin. She heads for the powder
room just off the living room.
Frasier hears Alice crying and runs up the stairs to her room.
Roz and Niles sneak back into the cabin looking for Donny. Niles
notices Alice's door ajar and creeps over to the door, hissing, "Why
don't I take over here and you can join Roz?" Frasier emerges from
Alice's room and once again tries to push Roz and Niles out the door.
But this time Roz refuses. "I really think I should check on Alice."
Frasier tries again, but Niles refuses too.
Niles drags a wing chair over in front of the kitchen door and sits
in it, effectively blocking Donny who is trying to open the kitchen
door but can only bump the back of Niles' chair. Niles beckons Roz
over to him and she sits on the arm of his chair as Niles tells
Frasier to clear out so he and Roz can be alone. Frasier frantically
to persuade them to leave as he blocks the bathroom door with his own
body so Daphne can't emerge into the living room.
Just then Martin comes in, looking for ammunition for the shotguns
before the light goes and they can't shoot any more ducks. He's
looking for a bathroom too, but Frasier tells him it's out of order.
He heads for the one in the back of the cabin, but Niles is still
blocking the kitchen door and tells him that one's out of order too.
Frasier accuses Niles of plotting some strategy, saying that Niles is
showing absolutely no interest in being alone with Roz. Niles
indignantly denies it. "Come here, Pookie!" he tells Roz, pulling
her onto his lap and kissing her lengthily.
But it's no good. Donny comes through the front door and sees Roz
and Niles kissing. Then Daphne emerges from the bathroom and sees
Donny. Niles drops Roz unceremoniously on the floor when he sees
Daphne.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Frasier: Donny, what are you doing here?
Donny: Niles invited me.
Frasier: Oh, did he?
Donny: Yeah, it was really nice. Roz and I had a chance to catch
up on old times.
Daphne: Oh, that's right. You two used to date, didn't you?
Frasier: (knowingly) Oh, isn't that nice of Niles to organize this
little reunion!
Daphne: (to Donny) I hope I don't have anything to worry about.
Donny: (kissing her) Oh, come on, are you kidding?......
ROZ AND NILES START HITTING ONE ANOTHER IN FRUSTRATION.
Frasier: Well, obviously Roz and Niles can barely keep their hands
off each other! You know, why don't all of us get out of
here and give these two little kids a little privacy?
Daphne: (to Donny) You know, we could use some privacy of our own.
Dr. Crane tells me there's a bed and breakfast up the road
from here.
Donny: (hopefully) Really?
Daphne: Really.
SHE WALKS OUT THE FRONT DOOR. DONNY STARES AFTER HER WONDERING IF
SHE REALLY MEANS IT. NILES IS HORRIFIED. DAPHNE COMES BACK AND
TAKES DONNY BY THE ARM.
Daphne: Even more fun if we both go!
SHE PULLS HIM OUT THE DOOR.
Martin tells Frasier to come out to dinner, and Frasier, disgusted,
leaves Roz and Niles to their misery.
SORRY, NO CREDITS AVAILABLE
Legal Stuff
This episode capsule is copyright 1999 by Kathy Churay & Nick
Hartley. This episode summary remains property of Frasier, Copyright
of Paramount Productions and NBC. Printed without permission.
