Three Valentines Written by Rob Hanning
Directed by Kelsey Grammer
=====================================================================
Production Code: 6.14.
Episode Number In Production Order:
Filmed on:
Original Airdate on NBC: 11th February 1999
Transcript written on 15th July 2000
Transcript {david langley}
[Act 1]
[Scene 1 - Frasier's Apartment]
A VALENTINE FOR NILES
[Fade in. The apartment is set up for a romantic dinner. Niles is
on the phone, Eddie is sitting on the ottaman.]
Niles: Francois. It's Niles Crane. You delivered some champagne
earlier for Valentine's day? ... Well, you broiught over
the '88 and I asked for the '85. ... Yes, my date will know
the difference, she happens to be the president of my wine
club. ... Thank you, thank you. Yes, remember, I won't be
at home. No, I'm not entertaining at the Shangri La, my
brother was kind enough to let me use his apartment. ...
Well, what could I do? [his hand on Martin's chair] I threw
a blanket over it. ... All right. Now, hurry, please, this
woman is very particular. [He hangs up and looks at Eddie.]
Lucky for you she loves dogs.
[Note: Throughout the rest of this scene, all of Niles dialouge is
mutters or mumbles as he deals with the situation.
He starts a CD of Mozart's "The Marriage of Figaro" on the stereo,
then sits on the couch. He examines a crease on his pant leg, then
adjusts it. He then uncrosses his legs and compares the creases. He
stands up and fluffs his pants legs out, then sits again. He looks
at his watch, examines his crease again, then gets up.
He goes to the kitchen and brings back the iron, ironing board, and a
cloth. He sets up the board and plugs the iron in. He removes his
shoes, then his trousers, turning his back nervously on Eddie to do
so. Laying them on the board, he covers the crease with the cloth
and begins pressing them. After glancing at his watch, he begins
pressing faster. Reaching for the cuff, he notices a loose thread.
He tries to pull it off, then bite it off, but is unsuccessful.
He rushes over to the desk and gets a pair of scissors from the
drawer. He starts to hurry back to the ironing board, but slows and
carefully makes sure the scissors are pointing down. As he trims the
loose thread, Eddie jumps on a dining chair and starts nosing around
a place setting. Niles notices and starts to yell at him, but ends
up cutting his finger.
He yelps, puts the finger in his mouth and then looks at it. It is
bleeding, and the sight of blood makes him woozy. He recovers, but
notices Eddie still licking around the plate. He snaps his fingers
at him, which agrevates the injury and makes him look at his finger
again. This time, he passes out and falls over the arm of the couch.
Eddie comes over and licks his face, waking him. He glances at his
finger, then holds it up away from his face. Looking down, he
notices a spot of blood he's left on the couch. He dabs it with his
handkerchief, but it isn't effective. He wraps the handkerchief
around his finger, and goes to the kitchen, returning with a cloth
and a can of solvent.
He sits on the couch and tries to read the instructions, bringing a
candle closer for more light. Apparently reaching the part about
open flames, he hurridly pushes the candle away. Opening the can, he
soaks a bit onto the cloth and begins dabbing up the blood stain.
He stands up to check his work and is satisfied. When he's reaching
for the cap to the can, however, his handkerchief falls off, he sees
his bloody finger and again faints over the arm of the couch. This
time, the open can of solvent begins spilling onto and soaking into
the couch.
Eddie barks loudly, waking him again. He gets up, holding his
wounded finger above his head once more. He picks up the
handkerchief to put on his finger, then gets the can and caps it, all
over his head as Eddie looks on. He goes into the kitchen and
Cut to - the kitchen where Niles puts the solvent away under the sink
and throws the towel into it. Standing there, he begins to smell
something. He quickly checks the pots on the stove and in the oven,
but they are all right. He looks about in confusion, then exits.
Cut to - the living room. Niles stands around, obviously still
smelling something wrong. His gaze travels to the ironing board just
in time to see that the iron, which he left face down, has set his
pants on fire.
He rushes over and grabs the iron, setting it aside. He then tries
to pat the flames out, only spreading them. He tries to bundle the
pants up but, burning himself, throws them away from himself. This
carries them onto the couch where they promptly ignite the soaked in
solvent in a burst of flames.
Eddie barks as Niles stares, frozen. Finally, he breaks and runs to
the hallway, returning with a fire extinguisher. He runs in front of
the couch and squeezes the handle. Nothing happens, and he notices
that the safety pin is still in place. He pulls it free and squeezes
again. The force of the extinguisher is too much for him to control,
and he spins wildly around, dousing all the furniture, the carpet,
the table setting, Eddie and himself with foam as Eddie furiously
barks at him. He gets it under control just in time to point it at
the couch as it runs out of pressure.
He throws the empty extinguisher on Martin's chair and races to the
kitchen. He comes back with and oven mitt and pot holder and
carrying the pans from the stove. He empties the dinner onto the
fire, putting it out and raising a cloud of steam.
Choking on the smoke and fumes, Niles opens the front door. Looking
desperately at his watch, he begins fanning the door to try and clear
some of the smoke. He then starts fanning with his arms, swinging so
wildly that the mitt, pot holder and handkerchief all fly into the
hall. He glances at his finger, sees the blood and faints in the
doorway.
As the smoke alarm goes off, Eddie jumps on the couch and begins
eating the remains of the food. Fade out.]
[Act 2]
[Scene 1 - A Restaurant]
A VALENTINE FOR FRASIER
[Fade in. It is a fancy restaurant, couples at the tables, a
violinist playing. Frasier is seated alone at a table, glancing
nervously at his watch. He pulls out his cell phone and dials. Cut
to - Roz's apartment as she puts on make up. Her phone rings and she
answers.]
Roz: Hello.
Frasier: Roz, it's Frasier. Look, I need your help.
Roz: Well, I don't have much time, I'm on my way out.
[Cut to - ]
Frasier: OK, just answer me this: How do you know if you're on a
date?
[Cut to - ]
Roz: Are you alone?
Frasier: Yes.
Roz: Then you're not on a date.
[Cut to - ]
Frasier: Very funny. Listen, I'm at a restaurant, waiting for
Cassandra Stone, you know, our new publicity director? She
asked me out for dinner, and well, I was very flattered, I
mean, I think she's a terrific woman, it's just I'm
starting to wonder if this is a business dinner, or more of
a romantic date.
[Cut to - ]
Roz: Well, you're going out for dinner on Valentine's Day, sounds
like a date to me.
[Cut to - ]
Fraser: Yes, well, she didn't realize it was Valintine's Day until I
reminded her. She did say she wanted to go over a new ad
campaign.
[Cut to - ]
Roz: Oh, come on, every time I see you two together, she's got her
hands all over you.
[Cut to - ]
Frasier: She's always her hands all over everybody. She's a big
flirt.
[Cut to - ]
Roz: That's true. She even flirted with me the first time I met her
'til I took off my baseball cap and parka. Why don't you just
ask her if it's a date?
[Cut to - ]
Frasier: Oh, Roz, I can't do that, what if the answer is "No"? For
God's sake, it'll be awkward all through dinner. Awkward
at work. Imagine how embarrassing it'll be if it gets
around the station.
[Cut to - ]
Roz: Well, I guess you're just gonna have to play it by ear. Well
you'll know she has in mind by the way she dresses, how she
acts, how she treats you...
[Cut to - ]
Frasier: Yeah, yeah, I guess you're right.
[Cut to - ]
Roz: [as the doorbell rings] Oh, there's my date.
[Cut to - ]
Frasier: Who you going out with tonight?
[Cut to - ]
Roz: Bob. You know, the tax accountant.
[Cut to - ]
Frasier: Isn't he the one who drones on so incessently you call him
"The Cricket"?
[Cut to - ]
Roz: No, I call him "The Cricket" because he rubs his hands together
really fast during sex. Bye.
[Cut to - ]
Frasier: Goodbye.
[Cassandra comes in, Frasier rises and waves her over.]
Frasier: Cassandra.
Cassandra: Sorry to keep you waiting.
[They meet and hold hands.]
Frasier: Oh, that's OK. I was just starting to wonder if you'd
changed your mind.
Cassandra: What, and pass up dinner with the sexiest man in radio?
[She leans in and kisses him warmly on the mouth.]
Frasier: Oh, well. It's just our plans were so last minute, I
thought maybe I misunderstood. [She takes off her coat
to reveal a low cut, stylish evening dress.] My, things
have certainly been clarified, haven't they?
Cassandra: Will you excuse me for a second?
Frasier: Of course.
[She heads to the coat check, Frasier begins motioning to the
violinist.]
Frasier: Excuse me. Excuse me. You see that woman over by the
coat-check?
Violinist: Yes.
Cassandra: She's my dinner companion for the evening and things have
taken a turn towards the romantic. I want to make her
feel as special as possible. [He gives the violinist
some cash.]
Violinist: Then you should have offered to check her coat.
Frasier: Yes, thank you very much! All right, just play something
romantic when she gets back.
[Cassandra comes back to the table, meeting Mario, the Maitre D' on
the way.]
Mario: Miss Cassandra, so nice to see you again.
Cassandra: You too, Mario. And how's the sexiest Maitre D' in
Seattle?
[She leans in and kisses him just like she did Frasier. Mario seats
her and Frasier sits as well.]
Cassandra: Sorry again for keeping you waiting. I got sucked in at
this cocktail party.
Frasier: Oh, you were at a cocktail party.
Cassandra: Some benefit thing. It was very fancy. Obviously, why
else would I show up wearing this?
Frasier: Why else indeed.
[He waves away the violinist who is approaching.]
Cassandra: Oh, they have the best wine list here. Do you feel like
sharing a bottle?
Frasier: If you like.
Cassandra: Good thing I took a cab here, I'm a real lightweight.
Then again, I'm sure a gentleman like you wouldn't mind
escorting me back to my room after dinner, will you?
Frasier: Oh, I think that can be arranged.
[He waves the violinist back over.]
Cassandra: I love the food here.
Frasier: What do you recommend?
Cassandra: I'll start with the anchovies and red peppers, and then
the garlic chicken with scallions.
[Frasier waves the violinist away again.]
Cassandra: Are you in the mood for oysters?
Frasier: Actually, I'm not sure.
[Fade out on his confused look]
[Scene 2 - Cassandra's Hotel Room.
Fade in. The door opens on Cassandra and Frasier.]
Frasier: Well, here we are. Your hotel room. Last stop.
Cassandra: [after a pause] Oh, come on in. [They enter] Oh, thank
you so much for this coat.
Frasier: Of course.
Cassandra: Oh, God, I can't believe we got caught in that rainstorm,
I'm freezing!
Frasier: Yeah, me too.
Cassandra: [coming close to him and lowering her voice] Oh, I know
something we can do to warm up real fast.
Frasier: Yes, all we have to do is...
Cassandra: Have a brandy.
Frasier: Yes! Let's have a brandy!
Cassandra: The mini-bar's over there. I'll be right out.
Frasier: Uh-huh.
[She goes to the bathroom. Frasier pulls out his cell phone and
dials.]
Roz: Hello.
Frasier: Roz. It's Frasier.
[Cut to - Roz. She is in bed.]
Roz: Where are you?
[Cut to - ]
Frasier: I'm in Cassandra's hotel room. She invited me up here
after dinner. I'm just not sure what it means.
Roz: What it means? What it means is that even a blind pig
finds an acorn once in a while.
Frasier: I'm still getting a lot of conflicting signals here. You
see, maybe she just invited me up here to talk business. I
just wish I could get one clear, unambiguous sign.
[Cassandra comes out in a robe, Frasier hides the phone behind him.]
Cassandra: Oh, I just had to get out of that dress.
Frasier: Oh, here's your brandy.
[They clink their glasses and drink.]
Cassandra: I'll just go dry my hair. [She heads off again.]
Frasier: Roz, I'm back.
[Cut to - ]
Roz: She ditched her dress and she's hitting the sauce. What do you
need, runway lights on the matress?
[Cut to - ]
Frasier: Roz, Roz it's not as clear cut as it seems.
[Cut to - ]
Roz: Look, Frasier, she is way out on a limb here. Do you know how
rejected she's gonna feel if you don't make a move? You're
gonna blow it forever.
[Cut to - ]
Frasier: You're right. I'm going to take off my jacket.
Roz: Yeah. Go get 'em cowboy.
[He hangs up the cell phone and takes off his jacket.]
Cassandra: [calling out] Frasier? Are you making yourself
comfortable?
Frasier: Yes.
Cassandra: If it's OK, I still have some questions about the ad
campaign I'd like to ask you.
[Frasier quickly puts his jacket back on.]
Frasier: Well, that's why I'm here.
Cassandra: Or if you prefer, we could just talk about it over
breakfast tomorrow.
Frasier: Breakfast you say?
Cassandra: I hope I wasn't being presumptuous. We will be having
breakfast tomorrow, won't we?
Frasier: Absolutely.
[He takes off his jacket and begins pulling off his shirt.]
Cassandra: Great! So who else wil be there?
Frasier: Where?
Cassandra: At the breakfast meeting. The one for the sponsers here
at the hotel, tomorrow. You just said you were going,
right?
Frasier: The meeting. Of course.
[He quickly pulls his shirt back on as Cassandra comes back out.]
Cassandra: Frasier, what are you doing?
Frasier: Well, I, uh...
Cassandra: I thought you said you were going to make yourself
comfortable. Why don't you check the closet? I'm sure
you can find somthing to slip into. I'm just going to
take my lenses out.
[Frasier again pulls his shirt off and rushes over to the closet.]
Cassandra: [again calling from the bathroom] You know, I'm really
glad I asked you to dinner.
Frasier: [taking off his pants] Gosh, so am I.
Cassandra: You may not believe this, but I almost chickened out at
the last minute. It just goes to show it's always better
to take the risk. I mean, so you say "No." I'm an
adult, what's a little embarrassment?
[Frasier pulls open the cabinet and pulls out a robe.]
Frasier: I couldn't agree more.
Cassandra: Did you find the slippers?
Frasier: What?
Cassandra: In the closet.
[Frasier grabs his clothes and starts getting dressed.]
Cassandra: You stepped in that puddle after dinner, I thought you
might want to get out of those wet shoes and socks. It's
up to you, I know some people feel funny about taking
their shoes off in someone else's room. My gosh, it's
really starting to come down out there. You know what
I'm thinking?
Frasier: [a pained look on his face] No. I truly don't.
Cassandra: Well, it doesn't make much sense for you to drive home in
this weather, especialy since you are coming back for
breakfast anyway. Why don't you just stay over tonight?
Frasier: [unsure] All right. When you say "Stay over", you mean
of course...?
Cassandra: [coming out, now dressed in just a shirt] Stay here.
Frasier: Oh, here. Right. Splendid.
[She sits on the bed and so does he.]
Cassandra: Oh, my God!
Frasier: [jumping up] What? I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Cassandra: I just can't believe it's so late. What are you sorry
for?
Frasier: Oh, just for...keeping you up so late.
Cassandra: Oh, that's all right. Aren't you coming to bed?
Frasier: Oh, yes. Coming to bed. Coming to...this bed.
Cassandra: Well, would you mind turning the lights out?
Frasier: Oh, no, no, not at all.
[He turns out the light, and in the darkness can be heard slipping
into bed.]
Frasier: You know, Cassandra, I know this may sound like a silly
question seeing as how we're...in bed together and...nearly
naked, and...I've just been wondering: Is this a romantic
date, or...a business thing?
[There is the sound of snoring, followed by clicking noises.]
Frasier: Roz, it's Frasier!
[Fade to commercial.]
[Act 3]
[Scene 1 - Another Resaurant, Russano's]
A VALENTINE FOR DAPHNE AND MARTIN
[Fade in. Again, it is a fancy restaurant with couples at the
tables. Martin leads Daphne to a table.]
Martin: You know, Daph, I'm really impressed with you. A lot of
people get all insecure if they don't have a date on
Valentine's Day, but not you.
Daphne: Oh, heaven's no. If you think about it, it's just a silly
holiday they made up to sell more flowers and candy.
Martin: Right. Well, you take a look at the menu and I'll check
your coat.
Daphne: Oh, no need for that. So, what looks good to you?
Martin: [grabbing her coat] The coat-check girl. Gimme your coat.
[Martin goes to check the coat, the Maitre D' comes over.]
Maitre D': Happy Valentine's Day, welcome to Russano's.
Daphne: Thank you.
Maitre D': The waiter will be by to take your drink order when your
husband gets back.
Daphne: Oh, he's not my husband. I don't have a...husband.
[She trails off as she notices all the happy couples around her.
Martin comes back.]
Martin: [sitting] Wow, I wish there was somethin' else I could
check. Besides my blood pressure. Well, I know what I'm in
the mood for, a nice big steak. How 'bout you?
[Daphne begins to cry.]
Martin: What happened?
Daphne: [sobbing] Well, look around you. Nothing but couples in
love. It's never gonna be me. I'm just going to end up a
dried-up old maid in a quilted bathrobe with a smelly deaf
cat on my lap!
Martin: But, I thought you said you were OK with that.
Daphne: What?!
Martin: All right, Daph. Come on, now, come on, now, don't get
upset, here, have a drink of water or somethin'.
Daphne: Oh, I'm sorry about this.
Martin: That's OK.
Daphne: I don't know what came over me. I haven't cried like that
since, well... [crying again] New Year's Eve.
Martin: Oh, geez, come on Daph. You're, uh, you know, you're going
to find someone.
Daphne: You think so?
Martin: Well sure. Yeah, you're...you have a lot of very great
qualities.
Daphne: Thank you. I'm so sorry about this. I know it makes you
uncomfortable to talk about personal things.
Martin: Yeah, well, that's all right. So, you ready to order?
Daphne: Yeah.
[They study the menus for a moment.]
Daphne: What kind of qualities?
Martin: Well, you know, you're smart, and nice looking, and fun to
be with. So you gonna go with the soup or salad?
Daphne: You really think I'm nice looking?
Martin: [flustered] Well, sure, yeah. Where's that guy with the
bread?
Daphne: That is so sweet of you.
Martin: Well, don't mention it. Let's just have a nice happy
evening.
Daphne: Of course. I'm fine now. [after another short pause] Nice
looking how?
Martin: Oh, geez!
Daphne: Oh, never mind.
Martin: Oh, no it's all right. Well, you know, you're pretty and,
uh...tall, and uh...take good care of your hair, you know...
You're attractive, what do you want from me?
Daphne: Well, I'm sorry, but I don't here this sort of thing very
much lately.
Martin: Well, you're just in a slump, that's all. You ask me,
you're a great catch.
[A waiter comes over.]
Waiter: It's not my place to say so, Miss, but I think your father's
right. You're a very attractive woman.
[He goes off. Daphne smiles, Martin does not.]
Daphne: Well, how 'bout that? That's a nice little ego boost.
Martin: Yeah.
Daphne: I feel so silly all of a sudden. Getting upset out of
nowhere like that. Well, I feel better now. Ready to share
a nice big steak?
Martin: [grumpy] Yeah, fine, whatever.
Daphne: What's wrong with you?
Martin: Why did he assume I was your father? I mean, a lot of guys
my age go out with women like you. What's he tryin' to say?
That I could never attract someone young and pretty?
Daphne: Oh, thank you Mr. Crane.
Martin: Does this all have to be about you?
Daphne: Oh, for heaven's sakes. You're a very attractive man with
lots of wonderful qualities.
Martin: Yeah, yeah, I know. All right, let's order.
[Again the look over the menus.]
Martin: Like what?
Daphne: Oh, come on now. You're very charming, and you have a good
sense of humor. And you've got lovely eyes. But most of
all, you're good company. I enjoy living with you.
Martin: Well, thank you, Daphne. I like living with you, too.
Daphne: Thank you. [Back to the menus, but...] So why do you like
living with me?
Martin: Oh, for God's sake, can't we just agree to cut this out?
Daphne: Oh, all right, all right. You're wonderful, I'm wonderful.
You know it's funny when I think about the two of us. I
mean, sure, we have our little fights, but for the most part
we get along so well together. And when I think of how I
enjoy looking after you, and how you always seem to miss me
when I've been gone for too long, well it's sort of like
you're my...
Martin: [smiling] What?
Daphne: No, it might sound funny to say this...
Martin: No, come on, that's all right, you can say it.
Daphne: All right. Well, it's sort of like you're my pet.
Martin: What?!
Daphne: In a good sense. Like you and Eddie.
Martin: What the hell you talkin' about? You callin' me a dog now?!
[The two begin loudly bickering as everyone stares at them. Fade
out.]
Credits:
[Martin is chatting up the coat-check girl, then walks over to the
table. Daphne is there talking to the waiter who called her
attractive. She waves Martin off and he goes back to the coat-check
girl.]
Legal Stuff
This episode capsule is copyright 2000 by Nick Hartley & David Langley.
This episode summary remains property of Frasier, Copyright
of Paramount Productions and NBC. Printed without permission.
