The Show Where Woody Shows Up Written by Rob Greenberg
Directed by Pamela Fryman
=====================================================================
Production Code: 6.13.
Original Airdate on NBC: 4th February 1999
Transcript finished 20th August 2000
Transcript {john masson}
Act One, Scene A: KACL radio station, Frasier's show. Audrey has called
in.
Audrey: (v.o.) ..so Dr Crane, I don't see why I should fix the dumb dress
when my sister can't even fit into it anymore..
Frasier: Audrey, you borrowed the dress, you tore it. As an old Greek
haberdasher once said:- "Euripedes, Eumenades".
Audrey: (v.o.) ..What?
Frasier: It's just a little joke on the ancient dramatist Euripedes and
the mythological Furies.
Audrey: (v.o.) ..Huh?
Frasier: Just fix the dress. (line off) We'll be back after the weather.
(off air. Roz comes in, Frasier fishes out a gift box) Uh Roz,
Noel gave me this to give to you.
Roz: (taking gift) Uh God, Noel. He's been acting so weird lately.
Frasier: Lately? May I remind you this is the man required by law to stay
at least 100 yards away from William Shatner?
Roz: No, I bumped into him at Nervosa about a month ago, there were
no other free tables so we sat together and ever since then he's
been acting like we're some kind of a couple.
Frasier: Oh come on, Roz. I'm sure he knows that you're not interested
in him.
Roz: (showing Frasier the gift tag) 'Happy Monthaversary'.
Frasier: Oh Lord. (Roz goes back to her booth) We're on. (on air) And we're
back, let's get straight to the phones. I'm listening.
Woody: (v.o.) Dr Crane? It's Woody. I'm in Seattle and I'm a little lost.
Frasier: Well Woody, in today's fast paced, high pressure society that's
not uncommon. Just why exactly do you feel lost?
Woody: (v.o.) Well, I've been driving around for about an hour, I can't
seem to get out of the airport.
Frasier: (the penny drops) Oh, 'Woody' Woody. Oh well, listeners, this
is an old friend of mine from back in Boston. Well, how you doin'
there, you old cowpoke?
Woody: (v.o.) I was doing okay, but all this talk about today's fast
paced, high pressure world's starting to get me down.
Frasier: Yes, well I have just the cure for that. How about dinner?
Woody: (v.o.) Sounds great. I'm in town all week.
Frasier: And I'm free all week. How's tonight?
Woody: (v.o.) That'd be great. So I hear you're on the radio?
Frasier: Yes I am, Woody. And so are you.
Woody: (v.o.) No, no, no. I'm still tending bar at Cheers. How do these
rumours get started?
Frasier: Believe it or not listeners, Woody and I are picking up right
where we left off.
While Frasier gets on with the show, Noel Shempski comes into
Roz's booth.
Noel: Knock knock?
Roz: Noel..
Noel: Oh, I haven't seen that outfit before, set your phasers on stunning.
Roz: Listen, I need to talk to you. I can not accept anniversary gifts.
Noel: Oh I know that. I was just making a little joke. I know we're
just friends. I saw this and it made me think of you.
Roz: Okay. Thanks.
Noel: (as he leaves) Oh, if you're not going to open it for a while,
you might want to move the the ribbon. It's blocking the airholes.
Roz very quickly puts the box down.
Scene B: Frasier's Apartment. Martin is at the table looking at Eddie, who
is sitting on The Chair with his head resting on the side table.
Daphne enters from the kitchen.
Daphne: Here. I made you some lamb stew.
Martin: I'm telling you, there's something weird about Eddie.
Daphne: Oh for the love of God, not this again.
Martin: You never should have taken him to those dog groomers.
Daphne: I had to bring him. His toenails were like Howard Hughes' and
his breath smelled like an autopsy.
Martin: Well look at him. They did something to him. The sparkle's gone
from his eyes.
Daphne: Yes, and so are those gooey green bits.
Frasier enters from the bedroom as the front door bing-bongs.
He's dressed in sweatshirt and jeans.
Frasier: Oh. That's probably Woody. I'll get it. (opens door) Oh, Niles.
Niles: (entering) Hello Frasier. I know this is impromptu, but I'm going
to an oboe recital and I thought you might want to join me.
Frasier: Well, I'm sorry Niles. An old friend of mine came in from out of
town, I invited him to come over this evening.
Niles: Well have him join us. I'm sure we can get three seats together.
Frasier: Aah well, I'm not sure an oboe recital's what I had in mind, I
was thinking of something a little more raucous.
Niles: Well. If it's raucous you're looking for, we could go and get
a nightcap at the piano bar at the Mayflower Hotel - It's Jerome
Kern night! Last time people were shouting out requests without
raising their hands!
Frasier: No, I'm afraid we'll have to pass. You see, my friend Woody is
an old bar chum from back at Cheers (the doorbell bing bongs.
Frasier goes to answer it) What I had in mind was really more
of a beer-swillin', back-slappin' kind of night, if you know what
I mean? You're certainly welcome to join us if you like.
Niles: It sounds interesting.
Frasier: All right. (opens door to - ) Woody?
Woody: Hey, Dr Crane! (they hug)
Frasier: Good to see ya.
Woody: You look great.
Frasier: Well thank, thanks. You too.
Woody: Aah, this place is awesome.
Frasier: Thank you.
Woody: (indicating Daphne, Martin and Niles) I'm not surprised you need
all these room-mates to help you pay for it.
Frasier: Er, they're not really room-mates, Woody. They're.. they're more
like boarders actually. That's my father, Martin.
Woody: Well, hi. I remember hearing about you, you were a policeman,
right?
Martin: That's right.
Frasier: And that's my brother right there, Niles. He's a psychiatrist
too.
Niles: Hello.
Woody: Oh wow!
Frasier: And this is Daphne Moon, my father's home health-care worker.
Daphne: It's nice to meet you.
Woody: Oh hi. I like your accent. Aah, you're from England, right?
Daphne: Manchester.
Woody: Darn! I'm usually pretty good at that. (Eddie bounces in) Oh hey,
who's this little guy?
Martin: I'm not sure I even know anymore.
Woody: (to Frasier, confidentially) My dad's getting the same way.
Frasier: So Woody, can I get you a beer?
Woody: That's funny, huh? Y'know, all those years I was waiting on you,
and now you're getting me a beer.
Frasier: Yes well, life's like that sometimes, isn't it? Daphne, get us
a couple of beers, will ya? (Daphne goes to kitchen, not happily)
So, what brings you to Seattle?
Woody: My cousin's getting married.
Frasier: Really?
Niles: Which is your cousin, the bride or the groom?
Woody: Actually, both are.
Niles: I assume they're kissing cousins?
Woody: Ho, they're doing a lot more than that! That's why they have to
get married.
Frasier: So, is Kelly with you?
Woody: No no, she's visiting her mom with the kids, but she sends her
love.
Frasier: And how's the old gang?
Woody: Oh well, they haven't changed much. Sam's doing great, Carla's
terrific, oh, y'know, we almost had a wedding. Mr Claven got
himself one of those Eastern European mail-order brides, but ah,
they lived together for a couple of days, and decided to call it
off.
Frasier: Oh gosh. I'm so sorry for Cliff.
Woody: Yeah. She said she was homesick. That Bosnia must be a beautiful
place.
Daphne comes back with a tray of beers.
Daphne: Here we are.
Frasier: Oh thank you Daphne.
Daphne: That's one for you, one for you, and (opens can and heads towards
Martin. Sits down) one for me.
Frasier: Well Woody, I thought tonight we would just maybe stay in, y'know
order some pizza?
Woody: Sounds good by me.
Frasier: Okay, great. I'll just call the place around the corner. Niles
you uh, gonna join us?
Niles: Well, why not? It'll be fun to drink some beer and have some pizza
with a couple of rapscallions.
Woody: Oh hey, if you don't mind, could we make that half rapscallions,
half pepperoni?
Scene C: Frasier's Apartment, later that night. Frasier and Woody are
reminiscing, moderately drunk, and can bearly speak for laughing.
Woody: .. That wasn't the best prank we played. You remember that time
with Mr Claven?
Frasier: Oh yes. And the ferret! (more laughter. Daphne and Martin look
on, obviously not understanding.)
Woody: (explaining) He was about to go on his round and we shoved an
angry ferret into his mailbag.
Niles: Oh my. Exactly ahh, how do you make a ferret angry?
Woody: Well, for starters, you shove him into a mailbag.
Frasier: God, that was funny. Do you remember the expression on his face?
Woody: Y'know, I never saw his face. I was too busy looking at Mr Claven.
Frasier: Woody, let me get you another cold one.
Woody: Oh, thanks.
Frasier: My god. I tell ya, this has just been the best evening. My God,
it's like reliving all my old days at Cheers only without Lillith.
Boy, that's a trip to Bountiful, let me tell ya. (goes into kitchen)
Martin: (quietly, to Daphne) These guys are really getting through
the beers, aren't they?
Daphne: Oh yes. If this keeps up, you may have to fish out that emergency
can you keep in the toilet tank.
Frasier comes back with more cans.
Frasier: There you are, Woods.
Woody: Well y'know what, on second thought, I think I'm gonna pass. I'm
feeling a little bit jet-lagged.
Frasier: Well, all right, you want to call it a night?
Woody: You know, I probably should. But this was so much fun. I'd really
like to do it again.
Frasier: Well, all right, how about lunch tomorrow?
Woody: Oh yeah, that sounds great.
Frasier: Okay.
Woody: Hey, goodbye y'all, nice to meet you.
Martin: Oh hey, you too. Come back.
Frasier: You know what, Woody? There's a new gourmet Mexican restaurant over
near your hotel I'd love to try. It's called 'Dos Burros'. It sounds
mui delicioso.
Woody: I didn't know you speak Spanish?
Frasier: Ohh, it's nothing.
Woody: I know ahh, 'dos' means two, what does 'burro' mean?
Frasier: Same as in English. Jackass.
Woody: (leaves) Sorry. Just asking.
The Long Goodbye
Scene C: Frasier's Apartment, next day. He and Woody are back from lunch.
Martin: Hey guys, how was lunch?
Woody: Oh great. We told one old story, we told a hundred. (to Eddie)
Hey, how you doin', little guy?
Martin: His name's Eddie.
Woody: Hey, good for you, Mr Crane. (to Frasier, confidentially) They
have good days, and they have bad days.
Frasier: Woody, here's that Seattle guide book I was telling you about,
right here.
Woody: Oh, thanks.
Frasier: Take a loan of that, huh?
Woody: (looking at picture in book) Wow, look at that view, you can see
the whole city.
Frasier: Woody, turn around, it's even better.
Woody turns to face the window, but is still looking at the book.
Woody: Gosh. You're right, this is better.
Frasier: No, no Woody, look up.
Woody: (finally seeing the panorama outside the window) OHH. (indicating
balcony) You mind if I go out there?
Frasier: No, no. You go ahead.
Woody: Remember the time we went out on the balcony of Melville's and
threw pudding?
Frasier: (laughing) I don't think I laughed harder in my entire life! (Woody
goes onto balcony. Frasier goes into kitchen. The laughter stops.
To Martin - ) Put a bullet in my head.
Martin: What's going on?
Frasier: My God. I have absolutely nothing in common with this man, except
things that happened ten years ago.
Martin: But I thought you had a fun time last night.
Frasier: Oh well, yes. We had exactly the same time this afternoon, it
wasn't nearly as fun. The same stories, and variations thereof,
being forced to laugh over and over. I swear, if I never get another
shoulder noogie I will die a happy man.
Martin: Oh, don't feel bad. You've been a good friend and you've shown
him a nice time, and now all that's left is for you to go in there
and tell him goodbye.
Frasier: Yes, I guess when all this is over I'll have learned a valuable
lesson. Sometimes you can have too much of a good thing. You have
to know when to say 'When'. The past is just that, the past. You
can never go home again. Less is more.
Martin: Wish you hadda started with that last one.
Frasier: (goes into lounge area, where Woody is sitting) Well Woods?
It's been great seeing you.
Woody: Oh yeah, hey.
Frasier: C'mon, gimme a good hug, ah? (they hug) Now you gotta promise
me you're gonna give my love to everybody back at the bar.
Woody: Oh I will.
Frasier: Oh, and give that beautiful wife of yours and those two kids a
kiss from uncle Frasier.
Woody: You got it.
Frasier: Now don't be a stranger, okay?
Woody: No, I won't, I won't. (they hug again) So, (sitting down) where
are we going for dinner tonight?
End of Act One (Time:x:xx)
Act Two, Scene A: Cafe Nervosa. Frasier enters and meets Niles.
Frasier: Niles.
Niles: Frasier. Odd to see you without Woody in tow. He off teasing ferrets?
Frasier: Niles, listen uh, I've been having such a great time with Woody,
I was wondering, y'know, maybe tonight you'd like to join us?
We've planned to go out...
Niles: (interrupting) You can save it. Dad brought me up to speed with
your reunion of the damned.
Frasier: Oh God.
Niles: I would love to help, I'm sorry, you're on your own.
Frasier: No no no, please Niles, really, I'm desperate. Do you have any
idea how difficult it is to feign interest in the same old stories
over and over again?
Niles: And you call yourself a psychiatrist? You wouldn't last a week
in private practice.
Frasier: Ooh.
Niles: Speaking of which, my six o'clock is waiting.
Waiter: (handing Niles a coffee carton) Triple expresso to go.
Niles: Thank you. (leaves)
Frasier: Niles? Please? Please, I need you. It's going to be an excruciating
journey into... Ohh.. (notices Roz is standing beside him) Roz!
Hey, you know what, are you up for a night on the town?
Roz: This wouldn't be the invitation that Niles just blew off, would
it?
Frasier: Oh, all right! Here, please. (they sit) My old friend Woody
is dragging me out again tonight. I could really use a buffer.
He's taking me to some God awful kareoke bar.
Roz: Are you gonna sing?
Frasier: No!
Roz: Okay, I'll go.
Frasier: Really, you will?
Roz: I had a babysitter tonight, my plans fell through, kareoke might
be fun.
Gil Chesterton walks into the cafe, just in time to hear the
word:-
Gil: Kareoke? Tonight? Oh, I'd love to.
Frasier: Well Gil, I'm not sure you'd enjoy this.
Gil: Oh nonsense. If we're going to the one on Pike, I keep a locker
there where I store my own microphone and show jackets.
Noel enters.
Noel: Hey, guys. Hi, Roz.
Frasier: Hi, Noel.
Noel: (to Roz) I see you're at.. our table.
Gil: "Our table"? Ooh, is there an office romance brewing?
Roz: No Gil. We're just friends, right Noel?
Noel: (fingers crossed) So far.
Gil: (to Noel) Well, who knows what the night has in store? We're all
going for kareoke. Why don't you join us?
Noel: Count me in.
Roz: (panicking) Is that my beeper?
Frasier: (knowing she's about to bail on him) I didn't hear anything.
Roz: Oh my God!
Frasier: Roz!
Roz: It's the babysitter, she only calls in an emergency. I have to
go. (she exits, quickly) Bye. TAXI!!
Frasier: Roz, wait!
Noel: Roz, wait!
Gil: Well, looks as it's just us boys.
Frasier tries to smile through the tears.
Captain's Log, Stardate 3012.4
Mr. Spock Informs Me There Is
No Klingon Word For "Feel"
Scene B: Frasier's Apartment. Daphne, Martin and Niles have just
finished watching a movie. Music is playing over the credits.
Daphne: Oh, that was beautiful.
Martin: Yeah. Y'know Niles, that was the first movie I ever took your mother
to see. I deliberately picked a tear jerker so I'd be there to
comfort her. At the first sniffle, I was on her like an octopus.
Daphne: You men. You always find a way to make us more vulnerable to your
clumsy advances. Ooh. That wine went straight to my head.
Niles: (refilling her glass) Let's kill off the bottle, shall we? (he
keeps on pouring until it's full to the brim)
Frasier enters, or rather, stumbles in.
Martin: Hey Frase.
Frasier: Turn off the music.
Martin: Oh. Well, we were just..
Frasier: Dad. I never want to hear music again.
Martin turns the tv off.
Niles: Ohh. I take it you had a whizz-bang time at the kareoke bar?
Frasier: For starters, Woody sang "What kind of fool am I?". Quickly turned
into an audience participation number. Then Gil and Noel did a
charming duet with "Anything you can do, I can do better". They
were both wrong. I guess the highlight of the evening was when
Gil, after one too many 'Que Royales', performed a haunting rendition
of "I feel pretty", during the latter verses of which, Noel joined
him on the apron of the stage and translated.. into Klingon. (he
buries his head in his hands) Well, I think I'm just gonna
go off to bed so I can get up bright and early for my harbour cruise
with Woody tomorrow.
Martin: What?! You're seeing him again? Why don't you tell the guy you're
busy for once?
Frasier: Dad, he knows that I'm not. Besides, I'd hate to hurt his feelings,
I'd hate to have him think I've outgrown him.
Niles: But you have.
Frasier: Well, that's the problem. I've moved on to bigger and better things
in my life, he's still pouring drinks back in the same bar he's
been at for the last fifteen years. Don't you think that's kinda
sad?
Martin: If I were you I'd just lie to him. Tell him you have to work, or
you met a pretty girl.
Daphne, having almost worked her way through her full glass of
wine, suddenly bursts into song.
Daphne: #Who's that pretty girl in the mirror there?#
#What mirror, where?#
#Who could that attractive girl be?#
#Which, what, where, who?#
#Who?#
Martin: Daphne?
Daphne: #Who?#
Martin: Daphne?
Daphne: #Wh..
Frasier: DAPHNE!!
Martin: Bedtime.
Daphne: I used to be with a light opera works.
Frasier: Yes, fine, and I used to be a fan dancer! Get out. Go to bed!
Daphne leaves.
Niles: She uh, seems a little wobbly, (moves to follow her) perhaps I
should..
Frasier: Niles.
The doorbell bing-bongs. Niles looks through the peephole.
Niles: Oooh, surprise, guess who?
Frasier: Dear God! I just left him. What moonlit berry picking expedition
does he have planned for me now?
Niles: (worried that Woody might hear him) Shhh.
Frasier: I can't take this anymore. All right, all right fine. I'm just
going to have to lie to him. (opens door) Woody!
Woody: Hey, Dr Crane. Hey everybody. Listen, I.. when I get back to my
hotel I called Kelly to say goodnight, and uh.. it turns out our
little girl has an ear infection, so I'm taking the red eye right
now and my cab is waiting for me downstairs.
Frasier: (concerned) Oh well, Woody. I guess this means goodbye, then.
Woody: Yeah, I'm afraid so.
Frasier: All right then, give me a hug. You remember to give my love to
the folks back at Cheers.
Woody: Oh, will do.
Frasier: Okay. I hope that little girl of yours gets better real soon.
Woody: Thank you. It was great spending time with you.
Frasier: Well it was great seeing you too, Woody.
Woody: Yeah.
Frasier: It's a shame we have to cut it short.
Woody: It sure is. Well, goodbye. (leaves as the others say farewell)
Frasier: Goodbye, Wood. (closes door) God bless the virus that invaded
that little girl's ear canal.
Niles: Congratulations. I'll be off.
Frasier: Oh no. Niles, I'll tell you what, to celebrate my new found
freedom, why don't we go over to that little cantina I mentioned
to you earlier, and I'll buy you a late supper, we'll have a
marguerita.
Niles: Thank you, Frasier.
Frasier: And after that, we'll go by that pricey new cigar club, it's my
treat.
Niles: Well, hey big spender.
Frasier: (cringing) Oohh.
Niles: Is everything all right?
Frasier: The last time I heard that phrase, Gil was belting it out while
sitting on the lap of a Japanese businessman. Let's get that
marguerita. (they leave)
Scene C: 'Dos Burros', a mexican restaurant. Frasier and Niles have just been
seated. The waiter gives them their menus.
Niles: Thank you.
Frasier: I think you'll like this place.
Niles: Well, I do already. N.M.B.
Frasier: N.M.B?
Niles: No mariachi band.
Frasier: (seeing a certain someone seated at the bar) Oh dear God. Quick,
hide your face with your menu. Woody's over there. If he sees us
he'll know I lied.
Niles: When did you lie?
Frasier: I told him I was going out of town.
Niles: No you didn't he told you he was going out of town.
Frasier: That's right. He lied. He should be hiding. (calls) Woody? Woody?
(Woody picks up a menu to hide behind, and furtively walks into
the restroom) For God's sake. Stay here. (he goes over to the
restroom door only to find it locked) Woody. Come out of there,
please.
Woody: (v.o.) No hablo ingles.
Frasier: I don't understand this.
Woody: (v.o.) It means I don't speak English.
Frasier: Will you just come out here? (Woody comes out) Woody? What is
going on?
Woody: I can't even look at you. I'm so ashamed. I.. I lied to you, Dr
Crane.
Frasier: Why did you do that?
Woody: Well, I guess I didn't want you to know it was me in the bathroom.
Frasier: No Woody. Earlier this evening you told me you were going back
to Boston.
Woody: Oh well. I feel terrible saying this but, I just couldn't face
another day of us hanging out together.
Frasier: What, you weren't enjoying our time together?
Woody: No, I.. I had a great time that first night, but after that, I
don't know, you were still having a good time, but ahhh, it was
less and less fun for me.
Frasier: (laughing) This is too funny.
Woody: See, you're still having a good time and I'm miserable.
Frasier: Why didn't you say something?
Woody: Well, I don't know, I didn't want to hurt your feelings. To tell
you the truth, I felt kinda bad for ya.
Frasier: You felt bad for me?
Woody: Well no offence, but look at your life. You live with your dad,
you hang out with your brother, you have no plans. And let's face
it, those kareoke friends of yours, I wouldn't want to be stranded
on a desert island with them. Well, maybe that English guy, he's
a good entertainer.
Frasier: Really Woody, there's nothing to worry about, I know my life may
seem rather dreary to you but ahh, it's really quite enjoyable.
In fact, it's even a lot of fun. I love my life now, honestly.
Y'know what, I wouldn't trade my years at Cheers for anything,
but I am very happy with my life the way it is today.
Woody: (incredulous) You mean it?
Frasier: Yes. That's what makes this conversation so ironic. You see, you
see my life as some sort of middle-aged compromise and, well just
the other day I was thinking about your life. And all I could
think was...
Woody: What?
Frasier: (pauses, knowing that telling Woody exactly what he thinks won't
help anyone. He then realises another truth) How lucky you are.
You see, you've found where you belong and you've made your home
there. I guess for some of us it just takes longer than others.
Woody: (relaxing) I just stopped in for a beer..
Frasier: Well, you know what, Niles will be on the phone for a couple of
more minutes, why don't we have one last drink together, huh?
Woody: That'd be nice.
Frasier: Okay. Barkeep, a couple of beers here, please?
Woody: Y'know, I meant what I said. I had a great time hanging out with
you. That first night.
Frasier: Yeah.
Woody: Matbe we could do it again, in five or ten years.
Frasier: Absolutely. Ten years it is.
Woody: Cheers.
Frasier: Cheers.
End of Act Two (Time: xx:xx)
Credits:
Gil and Noel are on stage, going through their 'Anything you can
do' routine.
Thanks To...
Transcript written by JOHN MASSON
Edited by NICHOLAS HARTLEY
Legal Stuff
This episode capsule is copyright 2000 by "The Frasier Files".
This episode summary remains property of Frasier, Copyright
of Paramount Productions and NBC. Printed without permission.
