Dad Loves Sherry, The Boys Just Whine Written by Joe Keenan
Directed by James Burrows
=====================================================================
Production Code: 4.9
Episode Number In Production Order: 81
Original Airdate on NBC:
Episode filmed on
Transcript written on 16th July 2000
Transcript {Iain McCallum}
[Act 1]
[Scene 1 – Café Nervosa.
Niles wanders into the Café saying hello to Frasier and Maureen who
are sitting down at a nearby table. Niles goes up to order at the
counter where Roz is already waiting for her order.]
Niles: A non-fat caff please.
Roz: I'll pay for his too.
Niles: Well thank you. My day started off with good news and it's
already getting better. To what do I owe this largesse?
Roz: Well I'm having a pretty great day too. You see a few months
ago I took my first tennis lesson…
Niles: And you've finally mastered the backhand?
Roz: No. I haven't played since. But the guy who was teaching me…
Niles: Has won your girlish heart?
Roz: No, he was a loser. But that day he hit me this little dink-
shot and I ran for it, stubbed my toe, got this big black
toenail, it lasted for like three months and today it finally
fell off. [Niles looks thoroughly mystified] I can wear
sandals again!
[Meanwhile behind them Maureen gets up to leave as Frasier sees her
off.]
Maureen: Thanks Frasier.
Frasier: Goodbye Maureen and good luck.
Maureen: Thanks.
[She heads out the door and Niles comes over to join Frasier.]
Niles: Frasier. May I borrow your spoon?
Frasier: Certainly.
Niles: [banging the spoon off his coffee cup] I have an
announcement.
Frasier: Well frankly so do I. Dad's girlfriend just told me some
very big news.
Niles: Well, unless she's expecting our baby brother, my news takes
precedence [A look of panic spreads on Niles' face] She's
not is she?
Frasier: No, no.
Niles: Guess who just won this year's "Mariett Faspinder Award for
Distinguished Contribution to the Literature of Psychiatry"?
Frasier: Well, judging by the canary feathers protruding from your
mouth, I'd say you. What article did you win for?
Niles: A gripping case history of a narcissistic opera singer. I
called it "Me Me Me Me Me"
Frasier: Very clever.
Niles: Thrilled as I am I must admit I'm a tad nervous about the
awards banquet.
Frasier: Why?
Niles: Dad! I want him there of course, but I'm just dreading a
rerun of Aunt Vi's wedding.
Frasier: Yes - the hour he spent regaling the table of Little Niles
stories.
Niles: Exactly. Imagine an entire roomful of trained psychiatrists
hearing the story of Sheldon, my imaginary protégé.
Frasier: Ah yes Sheldon. That troublesome little fellow who kept
wetting your bed! Well you know – if you're thinking of
excluding Dad from the event your timing couldn't be worse.
It's his birthday this weekend.
Niles: Oh right.
Frasier: On top of that Maureen just told me she's decided to break
it off with him.
Niles: No? Oh dear, is it the age difference?
Frasier: No, no. She was quite emphatic on that point. She just
thinks they have nothing in common.
Niles: Oh, poor Dad. I know how much he enjoyed going out with her.
Frasier: Yes. Just the other day he was saying that between her
police badge and his handicapped sticker they could park
anywhere.
[Scene 2 – Frasier's Apartment.
Frasier is busy cleaning. Daphne comes in.]
Daphne: Evening Dr. Crane.
Frasier: Daphne. Thank God you're home first. Listen, I have to warn
you.
Daphne: About what?
Frasier: Dad and Maureen are on a date. It's not going well. She's
telling him she wants to break it off.
Daphne: Oh. This vision that you're getting – is it a tingly feeling
and a picture in your head or more like a husky voice
murmuring in your ear?
Frasier: [annoyed] It's not a vision. Maureen told me about this,
this afternoon. She's worried about Dad. We need to do
everything we can to help him through this.
Daphne: I wouldn't worry about your father. People are more
resilient than you think. When Joe dumped me a few weeks ago
I thought I'd lost the love of me life. I figured I'd spend
the rest of my years dwelling on what might have been. The
home we'd have made. The children running through it.
Growing old together…did I mention Joe's getting married?
Frasier: Oh I'm sorry.
Daphne: No, I'm all right.
[Daphne heads towards the drinks cabinet as she breaks down and grabs
a bottle of wine. Frasier goes to console her before checking the
label on the wine.]
Frasier: That'll be fine.
[Meanwhile the scene switches to outside the apartment as Martin and
Maureen arrive back from their date.]
Maureen: I should have known that you'd hate Indian food.
Martin: No it was great. It just takes a little getting used to.
Maureen: Yeah it does. You should try it again sometime.
Martin: [slightly retching] I think I just did. So are you going to
come in for some coffee?
Maureen: No. You're not feeling too well. I think I'll just call it a
night.
Martin: But I thought you said in the car there was something you
wanted to talk about.
Maureen: It can wait.
[They kiss goodnight as Maureen heads back into the elevator. Martin
goes into the apartment.]
Frasier: Hi Dad.
Martin: Hi.
Frasier: How was your date?
Martin: [with a pained expression on his face] Awful! I never felt
this bad in my life. I feel like my guts have been ripped
out.
Frasier: Dad let me assure you this has nothing to do with your age.
Martin: The hell it doesn't. This never would have happened twenty
years ago.
Frasier: Well you know Dad, I may be talking out of turn here.
Maureen told me about this.
Martin: What?
Frasier: Yes. She came to me for advice. That's how determined she
was not to hurt you. You see, she wanted to make it
perfectly clear that her breaking up with you had nothing to
do with your age but rather your compatibility. You see,
it's not your fault you don't like the same food, music or
movies [notices Martin's puzzled expression] and she didn't
bring this up did she?
Martin: No.
Frasier: I'm sorry.
Martin: She doesn't want to see me again?
Frasier: Oh, I feel so terrible. Listen, Dad I know exactly how
you're feeling right now. But believe me the pain will pass.
It may take some time.
Martin: This is great!
Frasier: Or not!
Martin: Wait till I tell Sherry.
Frasier: Sherry?
Martin: [holding up the carton of juice he's drinking] This stuff
works pretty good. Have we got any pretzels?
Frasier: Dad. Just who is Sherry?
Martin: She's this great lady I met down at McGinty's. You know –
I've been trying for weeks to get up the nerve to end it
with Maureen?
[The doorbell rings and Frasier goes to answer whilst still
discussing Sherry with Martin.]
Frasier: Good Lord. I've been worried all afternoon about Maureen
breaking your heart and all along you've been two-timing
[looks through the peek-hole before turning to Martin in panic]
MAUREEN!
[Frasier opens the door to Maureen while Martin tries not to look too
guilty.]
Martin: Well hi Maureen. Come in. Did you forget something?
Maureen: Yes I did. Er…[looks at Frasier]
Frasier: Don't mind me I was just going out…[he realises he is in his
dressing gown]…to the powder room. [Frasier goes through to
the bathroom]
Maureen: There's something that I've been meaning to say to you and I
keep putting it off and that's not fair to you.
Martin: [acting concerned] What is it?
Maureen: I don't think it's working out.
Martin: [sitting down in fake shock] You don't? Wow. I didn't see
that coming.
[Frasier is peeking through the bathroom door with a look of
contempt]
Maureen: Marty, it's not the age difference. It's just, all we ever
talk about is the police force and I enjoy that but I just
think…
Martin: No Maureen come on. You don't need to explain. I guess I
always knew I could never hold onto a prize like you forever
[slams the bathroom door shut in Frasier's face with his
cane] But at least I did it for a while.
Maureen: So, are you OK?
Martin: [acting hurt] I will be. It just takes a little time. You
take care of yourself.
Maureen: Yeah, you too.
[They kiss goodbye and Maureen leaves. Before the door is barely shut
Martin is celebrating with his cane in the air and a huge grin.
Frasier opens the bathroom door holding onto his eye and looking
highly annoyed.]
Frasier: You old fraud!
Martin: What?
Frasier: You made her believe that she'd broken your heart.
Martin: Well of course I did. When a woman breaks up with you, you
have to act sad. It's only polite.
Frasier: Polite? My God Dad, guilt is a very destructive emotion.
Martin: Oh spare me the Ivy League bull. There ain't a dame alive
who wouldn't rather break a guy's heart than think she
hadn't even made a dent in it. I may not have made it to
Harvard but I have been to the College of Love.
Frasier: Apparently on a Spillane Fellowship!
[Scene 3 – Frasier's Apartment]
FASTEN YOUR SEATBELTS
[Niles arrives at Frasier's apartment carrying Martin's birthday
present. Frasier and Daphne are in the living room whilst Martin is
through in the bedroom.]
Daphne: Hello Dr. Crane.
Niles: Hey Daphne.
Frasier: Niles.
Niles: Frasier. Where's the birthday boy?
Daphne: Oh, he's getting all dolled up for his lady friend. You
should see how excited he is.
Frasier: Not half as excited as he's going to be when he sees these
new videotapes. Twelve cassettes of the history of World War
II.
Niles: For those who thought the original was fun but too short!
Frasier: Well, this year I thought what the hell? Get him something
he really wants rather than what I think he needs.
Niles: A very commendable sentiment.
Daphne: What did you get him?
Niles: An Armani tux. Well my banquet's coming up.
Martin: [coming through in a suit] Hey Niles.
Daphne: Ooh. Don't you look dapper?
Martin: Well thanks. Yeah, I heard the door – thought maybe it was
Sherry.
Niles: Oh, I thought we were joining her and your chums down at the
restaurant.
Martin: Yeah I changed my mind. I just thought that…I'm just so
anxious for you to meet her, I know you're gonna love her.
No, no, forget I said that. I mean you will but I just don't
want to jinx it. [the doorbell rings] Oh there it is.
Frasier answer the door will you? No, no, wait a minute.
I'll get it.
[Frasier and Niles look on smiling. That is until the door opens to
reveal a middle-aged woman wearing a short pink skirt, a pink blouse
and carrying a bottle and a present.]
Sherry: Happy Birthday!
[Sherry practically leaps into Martin's arms and gives him an
extremely loud kiss. The boys just look slightly aghast.]
Martin: Come in and meet the family.
Sherry: [hugging Frasier] Hi. Sherry Dempsey. Now Marty didn't tell
me the two of you were so handsome! [she bearhugs Niles who
forces a smile]
Daphne: Hello. Daphne Moon.
Sherry: Ooh – the physical therapist. Don't worry about me honey.
I'm not the jealous type. Anybody that keeps my Marty limber
is aces in my book.
Martin: Hey sit down Sherry. Come on. You know Fraz, Sherry is a big
fan of your show.
Sherry: Oh yes a big fan. Well as a matter of fact when my friend
Donna's marriage was on the rocks, you were the one she
called for advice.
Frasier: Really? And did my advice prove helpful?
Sherry: That's not important. You cared. That's what matters.
Daphne: Can we offer you a drink?
Sherry: Well, actually, since it's a special occasion I brought some
bubbly. Let's crack it open [throws the bottle at Niles who
just manages to catch it]
Niles: Yes, why not? [forcing a smile] Oh look Frasier – Cold Duck.
Sherry: You ever had it?
Frasier: Just once!
Daphne: I'll do the honours.
Sherry: Ooh I love this apartment. Wow, that's some view you've got.
Frasier: Thank you.
Sherry: Which room's mine? [Frasier and Niles just look at each
other] Got ya!
Martin: She's always doing stuff like that.
Sherry: Oh I love making people laugh. To me humour is like
medicine.
Niles: Guess we're in the placebo group.
Frasier: So. Dad tells me you two kids met at McGinty's.
Sherry: That's right. I tend bar there. Saw your Dad there one kind
looking kind of lonesome and I said to myself…
Daphne: [coming through with the drinks] Bottoms up!
Sherry: Well something like that.
Daphne: [dishing the drinks out] Here we go. Well Happy Birthday.
Sherry: Through the lips and over the gums…
Frasier: Look out tastebuds here it comes.
Sherry: I never heard that version.
[They all take a sip. However Frasier and Niles turn around looking
as though they're about to vomit. Both go to recover on the couch
while trying to force their now customary smile.]
Sherry: I better be careful. Two glasses of that and I'd be dancing
on the tables.
Martin: Yeah. You know Sherry used to be on the stage.
Frasier: On Broadway?
Sherry: Las Vegas. Ever been there?
Frasier: Just once!
Sherry: What a town huh? Great food. Terrific theatre. Just too
darned easy to get married. [looks at Niles] You're
separated right?
Niles: Yes.
Sherry: I've been there. Listen, you want my advice?
Niles: Well…
Sherry: Don't mope! Get right back in the saddle. My Mum always used
to say to me "Honey, the only way to get over someone is to
get under someone"
[Martin laughs hysterically at this joke. Needless to say Niles just
looks a bit shocked.]
Sherry: Well Momma had lots of sayings like that.
Niles: [slipping further down the sofa] I didn't know Mae West had
children.
Martin: Well, hey, we better get going so if you want to freshen up
you better do it now. It's right down there.
Daphne: I'll show you the way.
Sherry: I know what you're doing here. You just want the reviews. [looking at Frasier and Niles] Talk me up.
[Sherry goes with Daphne through to the bathroom.]
Martin: That's not it at all. You think you're so smart. [turning to
Frasier and Niles] Well what do you think?
Frasier: [lost for words] Er…Wow.
Martin: Niles?
Niles: Er…I see that Wow and raise you a Zowie.
Martin: I'm so glad you like her. You really do right?
Frasier: Yes Dad.
Niles: Absolutely.
Martin: That's it. Great. Well, you know we're going to have to
spend more time here. You know she's got that fourth floor
walk up and its murder on my hip. Not that I wouldn't climb
the Space Needle to hear her play that banjo of hers.
[Frasier and Niles can't say anything. Instead they simply reach for
their Cold Duck and swig it down. Sherry and Daphne come back
through.]
Sherry: Come on boys. She's back.
Daphne: You know I keep meaning to ask. What's that lovely perfume
you're wearing?
Frasier: Yes I've been wondering that myself.
Sherry: It's called M'Lady's Boudoir. [heading out the door followed
by Martin and Daphne] You wouldn't believe what a bargain it
is. For a hundred bucks I could buy enough to drown myself
in.
Niles: [slowly walking out the door with Frasier] I've got sixty!
[Scene 3 – Café Nervosa]
NO GIRLS ALLOWED
[Niles and Frasier are sitting down at a table drinking their
coffees.]
Niles: Again, I'm sorry for not making it over for dinner last
night but you know, I had this tickle in my throat…
Frasier: Spare me your lame excuses Niles. We both know why you
weren't there.
Niles: How was Sherry?
Frasier: Colourful as ever. Last night she treated us to a selection
of her unpublished volume of Limericks for Lovers. The last
several were about a well-travelled man fortuitously named
Horatio!
[Niles takes a second before he realises and just looks disgusted.
Suddenly panic spreads on his face.]
Niles: Oh dear God. Don't turn around.
Frasier: Who is it?
Niles: It's Dad and he's brought Sophie Tucker!
Frasier: Oh God. But this is our place.
Niles: Don't look.
[Martin and Sherry walk in and needless to say Sherry sees the boys
immediately and knocks loudly on the window to them.]
Sherry: Hey! Look who's here? Wow, what a cute place this is. I walk
by here all the time and never popped in.
Martin: Yeah, well the boys love it here.
Sherry: Well we should start coming here. Now make room at that
table. We'll be right back. We're gonna go get a cuppa.
Frasier: [forlorn] Quick Niles, pull up the ladder. She found our
clubhouse!
Niles: This cannot go on.
Frasier: You're right. Dad has to be politely told that even though
he may enjoy her company he has no right to…what's the
polite word for inflict?
Niles: Well I don't know, but I'm sure you'll find one.
Frasier: Me? I have to do this alone? I thought the two of us would
sit him down…
Niles: No, no, no.
Frasier: …both of us.
Niles: No, no. I'm afraid you're the one who's going to be making
that little speech.
Frasier: But Niles, both of us have a problem.
Niles: Ah, ah, ah, ah. She's not invading my apartment. I can
afford to be patient.
Frasier: You are a little weasel aren't you?
Niles: A little weasel whose Daddy loves him.
Sherry: [coming to the table] Niles before I forget. About your
banquet. Are we talking fancy-schmancy?
Niles: Well it's not exactly the way it's worded on the invitation
but yes [the cold dawn of realisation hits] Why?
Martin: Well Daphne's got a cold so Sherry's going to use her
ticket.
Frasier: What fun. That's coming up soon isn't it. Maybe you should
start working on that little speech.
Sherry: So fancy dress huh? Good. I got a backwards leopard skin
number that's gonna knock your eyes out.
[Niles looks ready to explode]
Sherry: Got ya!
[Sherry and Martin both laugh hysterically. Niles forces a laugh
while looking annoyed. Frasier is getting bumped into by Sherry as
she laughs.]
Sherry: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm smooshing you.
Frasier: No it's all right. We were just leaving.
Sherry: Oh, you gotta go? Well Niles, don't worry about your
banquet. I'll wear a nice dress and put on my best dancing
shoes.
Niles: Oh, well, there won't be dancing.
Sherry: You just leave that to Sherry!
[Sherry and Martin both laugh again. So does Niles before rushing
outside to join Frasier who has already escaped.]
Frasier: Well your little banquet should prove quite amusing. I hope
Dr. Geudfreund doesn't aggravate his hernia when he goes
underneath the limbo pole!
Niles: I have to talk to Dad. I can't let her ruin the most
important evening of my life. What do I say to him? Frasier,
you've got to help me.
Frasier: Well. Prepared though you were to abandon me and let me
handle all the dirty work alone I will swallow my
resentment, confront it with you tonight and take my share
of the heat.
Niles: Thank you.
Frasier: [smiling] Got ya!
[Act 2]
[Scene 1 – Frasier's Apartment.
Martin is in his chair deciding over the night's entertainment. Niles
is pacing the floor behind him.]
Martin: So Niles, what are you in the mood for? Normandy or The
Battle of the Bulge?
Niles: Whatever.
Martin: You've been fidgeting around all night. Something on your
mind?
Niles: Ah, yes actually. It's about my awards banquet.
Martin: Yeah?
Niles: Dad this is very difficult to say. I would really rather you
didn't…[chickens out]…wear those pants.
Martin: Well I'm not. I'm wearing that fancy tux you gave me. What's
your problem?
Niles: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I guess I'm just nervous about
tomorrow night. God knows why? [sees Sherry's banjo lying on
a chair and strums it before going outside onto the
balcony.]
Frasier: [coming in] Evening Dad [notices Niles on the balcony and
Martin in a foul mood] Something wrong?
Martin: That brother of yours can be downright insulting. He's so
afraid that someone's going to embarrass him at his fancy
dinner.
Frasier: Er…you know Niles told me about what he was going to say to
you tonight. And I must say that in his defence it is an
important evening for him and well, let's face it, Sherry
can be a bit much.
Martin: She can, huh?
Frasier: Well, I don't mean it as a criticism mind you some people
like that. But now that Niles has broached the subject I
must say that I too find Sherry a bit brassy and
flamboyant…[notices Martin's puzzled look]…he didn't say a
word to you did he?
Martin: I don't believe this. You got a problem with Sherry?
Niles: [coming back in] That delightful woman?
Frasier: Oh knock it off. I see you're still waiting on that spine
donor! Dad, there is no reason to labour this point…
Martin: No, no. You got something to say let's hear it. You don't
like her?
Frasier: Please understand Dad as happy as we are that you've found
someone…
Martin: But you don't like her?
Niles: No, no. We're not saying that. She's just not the sort of
person that we would normally choose to spend time with.
Martin: In other words you don't like her? Come on we're all grown-
ups here. Tell me the truth.
Frasier: [pausing] All right Dad we don't like her.
Martin: Fine! That's the way you feel about it? Don't worry, I won't
bring her back here any more. I guess it's too much to
expect my own family to make a person I care about feel
welcome [heads off to the kitchen]
Frasier: WAIT A MINUTE! When did you ever make any of the women we
were involved with feel welcome?
Niles: Ooh Frasier you're right. He almost got away with that!
Frasier: When did Lillith ever set foot in your house and you didn't
make her feel as wanted as a fungus?
Niles: Not to mention my Maris.
Martin: You're comparing a warm lady like Sherry to Frosty the Snow-
Wife?
Frasier: That is exactly what I'm talking about. Oh why don't we just
face facts? I mean since when has any of us ever from Sherry
to Lillith to Maris to Diane has ever been able to pick one
woman that the other two could stand the sight of?
Martin: I picked your mother!
Frasier: [awkwardly] I'm sorry Niles. I've been hogging the floor.
Niles: Er…
Martin: Ah, forget it. You're right. Why should I expect you to make
the effort when I'm no better? Hell, you probably got it
from me. You sure didn't get it from your mother 'cos she
was great that way. Anytime she ever met anybody she could
always find something to like about them. One of the things
I loved her for. It's one of the things I love Sherry for.
She's a lot like your mother that way. She'll always find
something – even with you two.
Frasier: Well I suppose we could all afford to be a bit more open
minded when it comes to each other's mate's.
Martin: Well at the very least, if we can't say anything nice we
shouldn't say anything at all.
[The doorbell rings]
Niles: I'm having some quiet thanksgivings, but fine with me.
[Frasier opens the door to Sherry]
Frasier: Hi Sherry
Niles: Hi.
Frasier: Don't you look nice? Come on in.
Sherry: Well thank you Frasier. Oh Marty, I brought you one more
little gift [hands over a parcel]
Martin: Another one?
Sherry: Well I wanted to give it to you on your birthday but it took
me a while to find the right size.
Martin: Really? I'm usually a pretty easy fit.
Sherry: Who said it's for you to wear?
Martin: Ho-ho. I like it already.
[Niles and Frasier just roll their eyes slightly and look at each
other. Sherry notices their discomfort]
Sherry: Oh I should stop. I'm embarrassing your boys.
Martin: No you're not. [looks at them both] Is she?
Niles: [clearly faking] Nooooo!
Frasier: Party on!
Martin: [holding Sherry's hand] Well I think we should go and unwrap
this.
Frasier: Oh Dad. Lilith mentioned that she was going to be joining
Frederick on his next visit. You don't mind if she stays
here do you?
Martin: [clearly faking] Oh Lilith. No. Great. I love Lilith.
That's terrific. She's welcome here any time.
Sherry: Honey, you're hurting my hand
[Frasier and Niles smile at each other]
Sherry: [to Niles and Frasier] Oh listen I should mention I'm kind of
a sleepwalker so if you get up in the night and find me in
here naked just give me a good hard shake. I'll come to in a
jiff.
[Frasier and Niles both laugh at this but notice that Martin and
Sherry aren't laughing. When the boys stop and look at each other
worryingly then Martin and Sherry burst out laughing. As they head
off to the bedroom Niles reaches for the Ballantine's.]
Credits:
[Frasier and Niles are sitting on the couch looking dumbstruck.
Meanwhile Eddie and Martin are sitting in their usual places. Martin
notices the boys' faces and waves his cane at them to cheer up.
Frasier and Niles immediately force a smile and try to clap their
hands in delight. Eventually we see what they are being treated to –
Sherry on her banjo!]
Legal Stuff
This episode capsule is copyright 2000 by Nick Hartley & Iain McCallum.
This episode summary remains property of Frasier, Copyright of
Paramount Productions and NBC. Printed without permission.
