Are You Being Served? Written by William Lucas Walker
Directed by Gordon Hunt
=====================================================================
Production Code: 4.22
Episode Number In Production Order: 93
Original Airdate on NBC:
Episode filmed on
Synopsis written on 1st July 2000
Transcript written on 14th July 2000
Transcript {Iain McCallum}
Act 1
[Scene 1 – KACL.
Frasier is finishing his show. There is a crowd of people outside in
the corridor.]
Frasier: Well that's our show for today. But before we close I'd like
to invite you all to join us here at KACL in wishing a fond
farewell to our Happy Chef Leo Pasquale as he bubble-wraps
his crepe pan and heads south towards sunny Santa Fe. Leo,
you stirred us with your passion. Melted us with your charm.
Added spice to our lives. Now as you whisk yourself away
let's not say goodbye, rather Tartar for now. This is Dr.
Frasier Crane, KACL 780.
Roz: [coming into the booth] Well at least you stopped short of
saying, "I'll be fricasseeing you". Are you ready to go to
Leo's party?
Frasier: Oh dear God, there is nothing I detest more than a KACL
goodbye party. They're all the same – twist top wine and a
bunch of people standing round awkwardly trying to summon up
some affection for someone they hardly even know. It always
ends up reeking of insincerity.
Bulldog: [coming into the booth practically in tears] What are we
gonna do Doc? He's leaving us.
Roz: Bulldog and Leo were tight.
Frasier: Well, Bulldog certainly is.
Bulldog: I love that guy, man. He'd give me all his leftovers.
Roz: I warned Leo. You keep feeding him; he'll keep coming back.
Bulldog: You going to his party?
Frasier: Well actually I think I'm going to pass.
Bulldog: Oh come on Doc, you gotta leave and have a drink. Give him a
hug.
Frasier: That is precisely what I'm trying to avoid. Since when did
we become a society of huggers? We hug for everything
nowadays. Hello. Hug. Congratulations. Hug. Nice haircut.
Hug. It's absurd. I mean if we want to express real emotion
for someone – where is there left to go?
Bulldog: I've had good luck with the storage closet.
Roz: You know, I think you're way too uptight about this.
Bulldog: No, no. I see the Doc's point. We all have different ways of
saying goodbye. Me? I prefer this method [blows his horn] Go
on [blows horn] Get out [blows horn] I got a show to do!
[Frasier and Roz are forced out into the corridor amongst the obvious
party]
Roz: Well I think hugging is very healthy. I read somewhere that
if you have physical contact on a regular basis then it can
actually extend your life.
Frasier: Well in that case you should outlive Styrofoam!
[Leo the Happy Chef comes up to them]
Leo: Frasier, you made it.
Frasier: You know I wouldn't miss saying goodbye to you for the
world.
Roz: [hugging Leo emphatically] Oh Leo we're going to miss you so
much.
Worker: [going to shake Leo's hand] We sure are. Oh what the heck.
[he hugs Leo instead]
Frasier: [obviously uncomfortable] You have no idea how hard this is
for me [Frasier hugs Leo also]
[Scene 2 – Café Nervosa]
TIES THAT BLIND
[Frasier and Niles are sitting at their usual table having just
ordered.]
Frasier: I must say Niles that is a striking tie you're wearing.
Niles: Thank you. It's a gift from Maris. She had it made for me to
commemorate the end of that dreadful winter she had her
obesity scare.
Frasier: Oh yes. I remember her struggle to lose that holiday pound.
Niles: After she'd restored her figure she had Yoshi set fire to a
hippopotamus topiary she felt had taunted her. As a visual
reminder never to let herself go again she had this tie made
for me out of the legs of her fat pants.
Frasier: I would think wearing a tie Maris gave you might make you
feel a little melancholy.
Niles: On the contrary. I have every reason to believe Maris and I
may be on the road to reconciliation.
Frasier: Really?
Niles: We met for lunch today. I told her I couldn't stand to be in
separation limbo anymore and unless she wanted the marriage
to end we simply had to get into counselling.
Frasier: And she agreed?
Niles: Her exact words were, "I'll think about it". But I saw a
twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbours'
children discovered our new electric fence.
Frasier: Congratulations.
Niles: Thank you. [examining his coffee] The foam is a tad listless
today.
Frasier: [examining his coffee also] Yes. I can tell without looking
that they've got Chad back on steaming duty.
Niles: [looking over] You are good.
[A messenger comes over with a package.]
Messenger: Excuse me. Dr. Niles Crane?
Niles: I am.
Messenger: Here [hands him a letter]
Niles: [opening the letter] Who's sending me this. [reads the
letter] "Notice. Petition for divorce."
Messenger: Sorry man. Cool tie.
Frasier: I don't know what to say.
Niles: It's all right. Would have been nice if we'd given therapy
a try. So be it.
Frasier: I know it's of little consolation but you're to be
applauded for the way you're handling this. A lesser man
would panic.
Niles: [grabbing for his mobile phone] Oh. Oh. Wait. I'll get her
back.
Frasier: [grabbing for the phone out of Niles' hands] You have too
much dignity to let yourself beg.
Niles: Please give me my phone back.
Frasier: No.
Niles: Please.
Frasier: Sorry.
Niles: Please.
Frasier: Stop it.
[By now Niles is leaning across the table in a desperate bid to
wrestle the phone off Frasier.]
Frasier: Now listen. I know you're upset but let's remember why you
left Maris in the first place. You were tired of
grovelling.
Niles: Yes, but I'm rested now.
Frasier: [handing the phone back] Fine. Go ahead and toddle on back
to Maris. Let her grind you under her boot for another 12
years. Rob you of whatever self-respect you've still
retained then we can have this conversation all over again.
Niles: I was unhappy wasn't I?
Frasier: You were miserable.
Niles: Sorry. Just a lot to take in. 12 years of my life. Gone.
Frasier: Don't think of it as a loss. Rather an opportunity for
growth. Not an ending, it's…
Niles: Frasier. No offence but I'm familiar with all the
platitudes. I've just been served divorce papers. I need a
little time for it to sink in. If you don't mind maybe we
could not talk about it for a while.
Frasier: Of course.
Waitress: [coming up to the table] Hi, can I get you guys anything.
Frasier: No thanks. We've already been served.
[This is the final straw for Niles and he nearly bursts into tears]
Frasier: Sorry.
[Scene 3 – Frasier's Apartment.
Daphne comes out of Martin's bedroom with a box full of stuff and
makes for the front door. As she reaches the door she hears the key
on the other side and rushes back, dropping the box on the sofa.
Martin comes in.]
Daphne: Ooh, you're back.
Martin: Yeah, I never should have left. The park was a disaster. You
remember that outfit Mrs. Foster knitted Eddie for Christmas.
Well I bumped into her in the lobby and she said she was
going to be going to the park and I thought, well it would be
rude if I didn't at least have him wear it one time, you
know? Eddie get in here.
[Eddie walks slowly, head bowed, into the apartment wearing possibly
the most ridiculous looking ensemble ever – a multicoloured bunnet
and a similar multicoloured jacket to match.]
Martin: Look at the poor guy, he's humiliated. And then of course she
didn't even show up there but you know who was there? Duke
and two guys from the old precinct. "Oh Marty – glad to see
you've got something to do now you're retired", "Hey Marty –
if I buy you some wool will you knit something form me?"
Daphne: Well it could have been worse. You could have been wearing
the hat she knitted you.
[Martin pulls out a slightly larger, similarly coloured looking
bunnet with a scowl on his face.]
Daphne: Oh dear.
Martin: Would you take that off him? He just looks so pathetic.
Daphne: [helping Eddie] Oh come here you poor little fella.
Martin: [noticing the box on the sofa] What's in the box?
Daphne: Oh nothing. Just some old stuff I was taking down to the
storage bin.
Martin: Oh great. You can take this with it. [holding out his bunnet]
Daphne: Yeah, just set that on top.
Martin: No, no. It'll fall off if I do. [opens the box] Hey, this is
my stuff!
Daphne: It's a box of junk.
Martin: It's not junk.
Daphne: Oh, rubbish. It's a bunch of useless gadgets you haven't used
in years. Like this remote control for God knows what.
Useless. Just like this [pulls out some unidentifiable
object] whatever it is.
Martin: That's the SteamMaster 2000 like on TV. Live life wrinkle
free. It even comes with an attachment that cooks Chinese
vegetables.
[Daphne just rolls here eyes. Frasier comes through from the bedroom
as the doorbell rings.]
Frasier: That'll be Niles. I'm taking him to lunch to get his mind
off his troubles.
Daphne: Is that something we shouldn't talk about?
Martin: There's no reason why we shouldn't talk about it.
Frasier: Dad, I'm sorry I don't think he's ready to talk about it so
we're not talking about it.
Niles: [from behind the door] Would you mind not talking about it a
little less loudly.
Frasier: [opening the door] Niles.
Niles: Afternoon all. I appreciate your concern but I'm really
doing quite well with all this. Everything is going to be
fine.
Martin: Ah, well that's good. I just hope you've got a good divorce
lawyer because you've been married a long time. You gotta
make sure you get your fair share.
Niles: Well, according to the terms of our pre-nuptial agreement, I
believe I'm wearing my fair share.
Martin: Well take a tip from your old man. You get over there and
take possession of your personal belongings before they box
them up and toss them out.
Daphne: When will you just admit that this junk belongs in a
dustbin.
Martin: You know I was on a case once where the wife constantly
nagged the husband like this. "You never put anything in the
garbage", "Why do you never put anything in the garbage?"
Daphne: Well he should have listened to her.
Martin: Oh he did. And that's where we found her!
[Daphne and Martin head in separate directions leaving Frasier and
Niles alone. Frasier goes over to examine the box on the sofa.]
Frasier: You know, I think Daphne's fighting an uphill battle with
this little project of hers. [pulls a journal out of the
box]
Niles: What's that?
Frasier: It's a journal.
Niles: Is that mother's handwriting?
Frasier: These must be notes from one of her research projects.
[Frasier begins reading the book] "It's hard to imagine two
male siblings who could be more different than Frasier and
Niles"
Niles: Good heavens. It's about us.
Frasier: [continuing] "Though both are highly intelligent Frasier is
clearly the more dominant of the two while Niles remains
extremely passive" [turning to Niles] Fascinating!
Niles: [reading from the journal] "Frasier never seems to get
enough at mealtimes. He's nearly twice the size of Niles and
often, when he thinks I'm not looking, steals his brother's
food".
Frasier: [continuing] "What Niles lacks in assertiveness he makes up
for in an abnormally fussy grooming regiment"
Niles: [continuing] "Frasier is exhibiting clearly anti-social
tendencies. In fact he is extremely uncomfortable with touch
seeming to recoil from all human contact".
Frasier: Where does it say that?
Niles: All right – I added "extremely" but it's right there.
Frasier: Good Lord. This cuts rather close to the bone. Yesterday Roz
was accusing me of the same thing. I always thought it was
just an aversion to social hugging but apparently it goes
deeper than that. You know, maybe this is something I should
work on. What do you think?
[Niles does not answer. Instead he is just staring into the journal.]
Frasier: Niles?
Niles: [reading from the journal] "April 3rd. Niles remains as
docile as ever. He constantly allows himself to be cowed and
dominated, especially by females."
Frasier: Well, you shouldn't let that upset you. You've broken that
pattern. You could have knocked that under and gone
grovelling back to Maris but you didn't. You know Niles, I
don't think I've ever been more proud of you.
[Frasier tries to hug Niles but just looks awkward as he hugs him at
practically arms length.]
Niles: Oh Frasier this is awful.
Frasier: Well pardon me for trying. I am new at it.
Niles: No, no, no. You don't understand. I did go grovelling back.
Frasier: What?
Niles: I sent the divorce papers back unsigned along with a letter
begging her to take me back.
Frasier: You didn't?
Niles: Of course I did. You read the journal. It's who I am.
Frasier: Well how did she respond?
Niles: Well she hasn't yet. I just messengered it to her this
morning. It's her spa day. She won't be home until…[checks
his watch]…I still have time to get that letter back.
Frasier: I'm going with you.
Niles: You're a good brother. This maybe my last chance to prove
once and for all that I'm not the sort of man
who…who…whatever mother said.
Frasier: Constantly allows himself to be cowed and dominated
especially by females.
Niles: I might have known you'd memorise it.
Frasier: You're right. That was harsh. Come here [Frasier holds out
his arms for a hug]
Niles: Oh get away from me.
[Act 2]
[Scene 1 – Maris' house]
THANK GOD TUESDAY ISN'T SOUP DAY
[Frasier and Niles are outside Maris' back door.]
Frasier: Niles, I'm still a little uneasy about this. What if one of
the servants sees us?
Niles: Impossible. They always use Maris' spa day to play hooky. I
just hope she hasn't changed the locks.
[Niles puts his key in the door and it opens.]
Niles: What do you know? [they both creep in] You know this is sort
of exciting. Even as a child I always fancied I might make a
first rate society cat burglar. I think I'm right.
Frasier: Yes. All it takes is stealth, cunning and a key to the door!
Niles: [heading for a nearby desk] The letter should be over here
with the rest of Maris' unopened mail. Yes – here it is.
Let's go.
[Just as they go towards the exit there is loud barking and two dogs
come bounding up to the door.]
Niles: Frasier – look it's my puppies. Oh I've missed you. Hello
Gestalt. Hello Gerhard.
Frasier: Niles, don't they look a bit agitated to you?
Niles: Well that's because they're excited to see that the Lord has
returned to the manor. [goes to open the door] Hello boys.
[There is a lot of snarling and biting and Niles quickly closes the
door in shock.]
Niles: Oh my God. She hasn't changed the locks. She's changed the
dogs. Quick, maybe we can make it to the front door.
Frasier: Right.
[Frasier and Niles both run away from the back door and head off
stage only to be greeted by the same barking as the dogs greet them
at the other side. They come down to the back door again where the
dogs are waiting for them.]
Frasier: They're toying with us.
Niles: What are we going to do?
Frasier: Well I guess we're just going to have to wait until Lady
Baskerville comes back from the spa.
Niles: And explain our presence how?
Frasier: Oh. I do see your point.
Niles: We have to find some way to distract those beasts and make
our escape. [thinks for a second] Wait. Tuesday is Swedish
meatball night for the staff. Cook always keeps them in the
refrigerator.
Frasier: No Niles. We can't feed them raw meat. It will only
stimulate their blood lust.
Niles: Just listen. One of our old dogs used to be spooked by
thunderstorms. The vet told us half of one of Maris' green
pills would allow him to sleep safely right through the
storm. You get the meat – I'll get the pills.
Frasier: Wait. What if Maris is out of pills?
[Niles laughs at the absurdity of the suggestion and Frasier sees the
joke also.]
Niles: Thank you Frasier I needed that.
[The scene switches to later. Frasier is down at the back door
looking exasperated. Niles is upstairs trying to throw meatballs down
to the dogs with evidently little success, much to Frasier's
annoyance.]
Frasier: Niles. That's 3 meatballs in a row right in the coy pond.
Stop trying to throw. Just drop them. You can drop straight
can't you?
[Finally a meatball falls past the door and next to the dogs.]
Niles: Was that a splat or a splash?
Frasier: A splat! Do it again. [more meatballs rain down] Excellent.
They're eating it. All right that's enough. [speaking to the
dogs] Good boy. Yes that's right. Eat hardy. Oh, you missed
one right over there in the garden by the toolbox. Oh
there's a few more over there at the coy pond next to
the…sleeping coy.
[Frasier wanders around waiting for the pills to take effect. As he
does so his eyes are drawn towards a painting on the wall.]
Frasier: Niles. Niles. This painting here in the living room. Have
you always had this?
Niles: [coming down the stairs] The one of Maris and me in the
garden? Yes. We had it commissioned on our third
anniversary.
Frasier: No it must be a different painting. This is Maris next to a
really big tree.
Niles: There's no tree in that painting, it's…[notices the
painting]…Oh my God. She's had me completely painted out. I
don't think I can take much more of this.
Frasier: In that case I wouldn't look too closely at the face of that
skunk in the flowerbed.
[Niles face goes to one of horror as he examines further.]
Niles: Suppose it's only fitting that I be commemorated in this
household as a laughing stock. She's always run roughshod
over me. Look around. This entire room is a monument to my
spinelessness.
Frasier: How so?
Niles: [picking up an ornament] This Dresden Shepherdess? A peace
offering I made to Maris when I was foolish enough to point
out an extra syllable in a Haiku she had written. Look
around. Anything.
Frasier: [pointing] That candle holder?
Niles: Louis Quatorze. What better way to apologise for the time I
attempted to grow a moustache?
Frasier: I think you owe us all a candle holder for that. [noticing
outside] Niles, look. It seems to be working. The dogs are
getting drowsy.
Niles: You know. If just once Maris had given in, in all those
years, I might think there was hope for our marriage. But
she never budged an inch! You know on those rare occasions
that I reported back to you that I had prevailed…?
Frasier: I knew.
Niles: I don't know why I thought I could convince her with that
couples therapy idea. Well. [heads over to the desk] I'm not
going to be her whipping boy anymore.
Frasier: What are you doing?
Niles: I'm signing the divorce papers. She wants to initiate
proceedings. Let's proceed.
Frasier: Niles, you know I'll support any decision you make but are
you sure?
Niles: Absolutely. [takes a moment to sign the papers before
putting them back in the envelope] That's done.
Frasier: Are you OK?
Niles: I will be. [looks outside] Looks like the dogs are asleep.
Shall we go?
Frasier: Oh I don't know. Maybe they're just playing possum with us.
Niles: Frankly I don't care. After what I've just done you think
I'm going to let a couple of dogs frighten me? This is the
last time I'm leaving this house. I'm going to walk through
that door with my head held high.
Frasier: Good for you. I'm going to run like hell out the front door.
Niles: Wait up.
[Both make a bolt for the front door while the dogs are still
sleeping.]
[Scene 2 – Frasier's Apartment.
Martin is introducing Daphne to yet another one of his ridiculous
gadgets.]
Martin: Now the beauty of the "Hot And Foamy" is the ultra-quick
heating action. You just plug it in and two minutes later,
presto, guess what comes out?
Daphne: [sarcastic] Well the obvious answer would be shaving cream so
I'll go with music?
Martin: You had a lot of sassy things to say about my clothes steamer
too but didn't those snow peas taste delicious?
[Martin takes the Hot And Foamy into the bathroom. Meanwhile Frasier
and Niles come in.]
Daphne: Where did you two slip off to?
Niles: I just had some papers to sign.
Frasier: Yes. Niles has decided to begin divorce proceedings.
Daphne: Sorry, Dr. Crane.
Niles: It's OK. I feel good about it.
Frasier: We thought it might be nice to have a family dinner this
evening at Chez Chez so we stopped by to invite the two of
you to join us.
Daphne: Oh that would be nice. I'll just go freshen up [heads to her
bedroom]
Martin: Yeah sounds great. And Niles. I'm proud of you. I know this
isn't easy but in the long run I know you'll be happier. I'm
damn sure I will be [heads off to his bedroom]
Niles: I can't believe it. It's really over.
Frasier: If you choose you never have to see Maris again.
Niles: Oh please. Half the time I couldn't see her when she was
standing right in front of me.
[Both laugh at this joke. However Niles' laugh quickly begins to turn
to hyperventilation.]
Niles: [still laughing] I can't breath. [Frasier points and laughs]
No really [getting serious] I can't breath. Frasier. I
signed divorce papers. What was I thinking?
Frasier: Oh God. You're not having second thoughts?
Niles: I don't know. When I was caught up in the adrenaline it all
seemed fine but now in the clear light of day…
Frasier: Now, now Niles. It's only natural for you to feel a little
bit shaky but believe me you made the right decision.
Niles: How do I know that?
Frasier: [picking up the journal] Let's just check what prompted us
to it. [begins reading the journal] "Niles is incapable of
asserting himself, especially in front of females"
Niles: Keep going – this is helping.
Frasier: [continuing] "As I write this he lies, staring out the
window, licking himself" [Frasier looks up strangely]
Niles: [bemused] What?
Frasier: [reading] "He's become so subservient lately that when he's
finished grooming himself he often begins licking Frasier."
Niles: [puzzled] I have no memory of that!
Frasier: [reading] "April 14th. The day I've dreaded for weeks.
Frasier died this morning. I never would have guessed that
my heart would ache so over the death of my beloved lab rat.
My only consolation is the knowledge that I will soon give
birth to my first child."
Niles: [taking the journal off him in shock] Frasier. Do you know
what this means?
Frasier: Our mother named us after rodents.
Niles: No. It means I have ended my marriage to the woman I love
based on the case history of a spineless rat! Oh My God.
Frasier: Niles.
Niles: Oh my God! Maris has seen the papers. It's too late to take
them back.
Frasier: Niles, your reasoning was still sound.
Niles: [becoming hysterical] My reasoning? My reasoning was based
on my mother's obsession WITH VERMIN!!! [throws down the
journal in disgust]
Martin: [coming through from the bedroom] What the hell's going on
here?
Frasier: Niles is just a bit distraught.
Niles: [hysterical] Distraught? MY LIFE IS OVER!
Frasier: Niles, don't talk that way. My God man, you've got to calm
down.
Niles: [struggling into the bathroom] All right. I'm going to
splash some cold water over my face.
Martin: Is he going to be all right? I've never seen him like this.
Frasier: Of course he'll be all right Dad. [banging on the bathroom
door] Niles. Just remember to keep breathing. And trust me –
this is not the end. Your life is not over! NILES! NILES!
[From inside the bathroom a sound like a gunshot is heard. Frasier,
Daphne and Martin all look horrified.]
Frasier: Oh my God!
[Frasier timidly opens the door. This is where writing cannot express
the true hilarity of this visual joke. Sufficed to say it is one of
the funniest scenes ever seen on Frasier. Niles is covered head to
foot in shaving foam, as is the entire bathroom. Niles walks slowly
out with a look of shock on his face (or what can be seen of his face
under the foam). Frasier just looks completely bewildered.]
Daphne: Dr. Crane. Are you all right?
Niles: [calmly] I'm fine. Just a little hot. And foamy.
Martin: You know what must have happened? My Hot And Foamy must have
exploded.
Daphne: [looking at Martin in stupidity] He was a detective you know?
[Niles' cellphone rings. Niles digs deep amongst the foam and pulls
it out]
Niles: Hello? Yes, Maris. You are? You do? You will? That's
wonderful. I'll be right over. Goodbye. [turning to the
rest] The divorce papers were a bluff. When I signed them it
completely threw her. She's willing to go into counselling.
Frasier: Oh Niles I'm so happy for you.
[Niles goes to hug Frasier which obviously leaves Frasier's suit
covered in the Hot And Foamy. Frasier just cries.]
Credits:
[Mrs. Foster is back and is speaking to martin at the door. She pulls
yet another suit (matching) for Eddie and himself out of her bag.
Martin thanks her and says goodbye. He turns round and shows them to
Eddie who buries his head under the nearest pillow. Martin decides
the best answer is to just throw them into the cardboard box with the
rest of the junk. However just to make sure Eddie goes into the box,
pulls them out and proceeds to rip them to shreds.]
Synopsis {mike lee}
Scene One – KACL
As Frasier finishes his show, a going-away party is being thrown in
the hallway for a retiring employee. Frasier says he doesn't want to
go out, because he'll be expected to hug the guy. Roz scolds him for
his aversion to hugging; she says she even read somewhere that
physical contact extends lifespans. "Well, in that case," Frasier
quips, "you'll outlive Styrofoam." She pushes him out into the hall,
where he reluctantly hugs the retiree.
Scene Two – Café Nervosa
Frasier meets Niles at the Café, and compliments him on his tie.
Niles proudly says that Maris gave it to him as a gift—she had it
made from her "fat pants" when she had her obesity scare.
Frasier wonders if wearing a gift from Maris will make Niles
melancholy. Niles confidently says he will be reuniting with Maris
soon; he called her to ask if she'd go into couples' therapy with
him, and she said "I'll think about it."
Then a courier comes in and hands Niles an envelope: divorce papers.
He offers his condolences, but also compliments Niles's tie.
Scene Three – Apartment
Daphne sneaks a box of stuff towards the door, but runs into Martin
returning with Eddie. He's annoyed because an old lady they keep
running into knitted Eddie a ridiculous tartan sweater that he had to
put on just to please her. Daphne says at least she didn't knit
anything for Martin—who then produces an identical hat.
Noticing the box, he realizes Daphne is throwing away all his old
stuff. Daphne says it's useless junk.
Frasier and Niles come back. Also noticing the box, they root
through it and find an old journal with their mother's name on it.
Frasier flips through it and realizes it's about them as children.
Among other observations, their mother records that "Frasier seems
intimidated by physical contact," and "Niles is obsessively neat and
easily cowed by females." Frasier wonders if his aversion to hugging
is a deep-seated condition.
Niles is stung by his mother's words; Frasier suggests that he has a
chance to assert himself by signing the divorce papers. Niles says
there's a problem: he already sent them back (unsigned), along with a
groveling note begging Maris to take him back. Niles says it's not
too late—it's Maris's spa day, so all the servants are playing
hookey. They can sneak into the house and steal the papers back.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
THANK GOD IT WASN'T SOUP NIGHT
Scene Three – Mansion
Frasier and Niles enter the drawing room of the mansion; Frasier is
surprised Maris hasn't changed the locks. Niles finds the envelope
on the coffee table.
As they are about to leave, two snarling German Shepherds appear
outside the door. Niles greets them fondly, but they snap at him.
"She didn't change the locks," Niles realizes, "she changed the
dogs!" They are trapped.
Niles gets a brainstorm: it's Swedish Meatball Night—they can slip a
handful of Maris's relaxant pills into the meat and feed them to the
dogs from the upstairs balcony. Niles runs upstairs to the medicine
cabinet while Frasier runs to the kitchen.
Frasier: Wait, I just thought of something! What if Maris is out of
pills?
Niles: [laughing hysterically] Thank you, Frasier, I needed that.
Scene Four – Mansion
After several meatballs plunk into the fountain, Frasier yells up at
Niles to stop trying to throw. "You can drop straight, can't you?!"
Niles does, and the dogs eat it up.
As they wait for the pills to take effect, Frasier notices a large
painting of Maris on the wall (looking at the camera, so we can't see
it). He asks if it's recent. Niles says no, he and Maris had it
done a few years ago. Frasier says Niles isn't in the picture—just
Maris standing next to a large tree. Niles is outraged—she's had him
painted out! Frasier gently tells him to check the face of the skunk
in the bushes.
Niles bitterly admits that it's only right for him to be depicted as
a laughingstock in that house; just look around, the room is a
"monument to his spinelessness," full of gifts he gave Maris to
"apologize" for things—like a golden candelabra for his attempts to
grow a mustache. Frasier says, "I think you owe us all a candelabra
for that one!"
Well, Niles decides, no more. He takes a pen, signs the divorce
papers, and drops them back on the coffee table (after removing his
groveling note). Frasier asks him if he's sure. Niles says he is.
Then the dogs nod off. Frasier suggests they take the back door out,
just to be safe. Niles says no, one last time he wants to walk out
of the house with his head held high. Frasier bolts out the back
door anyway; Niles says, "Right behind you!"
Scene Five – Apartment
Martin takes his shaving-cream warmer from the box and goes into the
powder room to plug it in, to show Daphne how useful his "junk" is.
They just have to wait five minutes.
Frasier and Niles come back, telling Martin and Daphne the news;
Niles is on the road to divorce. They offer their support; Martin
says that in the long run, Niles will be much happier, "I know I
will!" Frasier suggests they all go out for a celebratory dinner.
Martin and Daphne go to their rooms to change.
Frasier tells Niles it's finally over—if he wants, he never has to
see Maris again. Niles says he could barely see her when she was
standing right in front of him. They laugh, but then Niles starts
hyperventilating—he's just ended his marriage!
Frasier rushes to reassure him it was the right decision. To help,
he rereads the entry in their mother's journal. But as he reads on,
he realizes that it's really a scientific journal, and "Frasier and
Niles" were their mother's two favorite lab rats! The last entry
chronicles her sadness as "Frasier" passes away, comforted by the
fact that she's about to give birth to her firstborn child.
Now Niles has a full-blown panic attack.
Niles: Do you realize what this means?!
Frasier: Yes . . . our mother named us after rodents.
No, Niles shouts, he's made a terrible mistake! Frasier says his
judgment was sound; Niles says his judgment was based on his mother's
opinion of household vermin!
Martin and Daphne come back to see Niles stumbling into the powder
room in a daze, saying he needs some water on his face. As he closes
the door, Frasier shouts that his life is not over . . . then
everyone jumps at what sounds like a GUNSHOT!
Frasier slowly opens the door and sees . . . Horror! Niles is
covered head-to-toe in foamy shaving lather.
Martin: Hey, you know what happened? My shaving cream can must have
exploded!
Daphne: [sarcastic] He was a detective, you know!
Frasier: Niles, how do you feel?
Niles: Well . . . hot . . . and foamy!
Then he gets a call on his cell phone. It's Maris. Niles is
ecstatic—the divorce papers were a bluff to scare him into coming
back to her. Instead, his signing them frightened her so much that
she's now willing to go into couples' therapy with him. Frasier says
how happy they all are, and Niles throws his arms around him—thus
resolving exactly how Frasier feels about hugging!
Scene Z – Apartment
Martin reluctantly slips Eddie into his tartan sweater with matching
hat, just long enough to greet the proud old lady at the door. As
soon as she's gone, Eddie throws off his hat and starts chewing it.
Legal Stuff
This episode capsule is copyright 2000 by Nick Hartley & Mike Lee &
Iain McCallum. This episode summary remains property of Frasier,
Copyright of Paramount Productions and NBC. Printed without
permission.
