Daphne Hates Sherry Written by Chuck Ranberg &
Anne Flett-Giordano
Directed by Kelsey Grammer
=====================================================================
Production Code: 4.21.
Original Airdate on NBC: 6th May 1997.
Transcript written on 14th February 1999.
Capsule First Revised on 24th April 2000.
Quotes and Scene Summary {nicholas hartley}
TENNESSEE, ANYONE?
Act One.
Scene One - Frasier's Apartment.
It is early morning, Frasier picks up his paper in his dressing gown,
when Sherry enters in her Japanese gown.
Sherry: Morning, sunshine.
Frasier: Morning, Sherry.
Sherry: Coffee's on, wanna cuppa?
Frasier: No thank you, caffeine only weakens the immune system. I'm
fighting of a flu. [Daphne enters in a tight white top.]
Sherry: Oh I'm sorry, let me get you some breakfast.
Frasier: No, no that's really not necessary.
Sherry: Oh, no, no you'll feel much better once you've had my
scrambled egg tacos and ham patties.
Frasier: [to Daphne:] It's in-keeping with the trusty added starve a cold
disgusted fever".
Daphne: Tea and dry toast?
Frasier: Oh, bless you.
Daphne enters the kitchen and begins washing a dish.
Sherry: Oh honey, I was using that!
Daphne: Oh, Sorry.
Sherry: No problem, listen why don't you just relax. I'll clean up
later. [she takes the ham patties out.]
Daphne: You know, not to criticise, but I usually serve Mr. Crane
whole grain cereal for breakfast. I try to avoid giving him
fried foods.
Sherry: Oh, Marty loves fried foods.
Daphne: Yes well, just because he likes something doesn't mean it's
good for him.
Sherry: True, but just because something's good for him, doesn't mean
that he has to be stuck with it day after day.
In the living room, Martin arrives upon Frasier reading the paper.
Martin: It looks like it's going to be another scorcher.
Frasier: Hmm.
Martin: Radio said high nineties.
Frasier: [not interested] Yes, hot.
Martin: Yeah, well, I guess they'll be some more brown-outs. I hate
to think what it'll do to the crops. [he takes a part of
Frasier's newspaper.]
Frasier: Dad please, I'm trying to read.
Martin: Oh, sure, sorry. [reading:] Another double homicide last
night, you know with this heat wave going I'm not surprised.
I wonder what started that?
Frasier: Perhaps someone wouldn't stop talking about the weather.
Martin: What? Hey, you might be right, It's a real scorcher out there.
Sherry: [with tray of tacos:] Morning handsome. Did I say that
before?
Martin: Before and after! [they laugh while Daphne looks disgusted.]
Frasier: Please, would you two spare me the single-en-tagne this
morning. I'm already sick.
Sherry: Well there's nothing like one of momma's big biscuits if
you're fighting something off. [hands one to him.]
Frasier: Yes, I'm sure with one of them you could bring down an Elk!
Sherry: [to Daphne:] What about you, sweaty?
Daphne: Oh, just half of one for me.
Sherry: [places one on her plate:] Oh come on, wouldn't hurt you to
put on a few pounds, men like to see a little oomph in your
walk-a-way.
Martin: Yeah, you ought to see them smile when Sherry leaves the
room!
Daphne: I can imagine. [laughs with Frasier.]
Sherry: Oh, now, you're so pretty. I don't understand why men aren't
just buzzing around you. Frasier, you're not seeing anybody,
here you are under the same roof, both cute as corn...
Frasier: Just stop right there. I'm trying to have a peaceful
morning, I do not want to be put on the spot, I do not want to
eat some bizarre food concoction and I do not want to discuss
the weather. I just want to try and conserve my energy, sit
here, and enjoy my paper.
Martin: Sure Fras''
Martin, without speaking, mimes asking for something. Sherry,
without speaking, gives him something. They carry on doing this
along with Daphne, completely irritating Frasier. He pretends to
ignore it and turns over his newspaper. Eventually, the three take a
big loud bite from their tacos which makes Frasier pick up his paper
and leave.
Scene One - Radio Station.
At KACL, Frasier enters his booth, where Roz and Bulldog are fighting
like a couple of ten year olds.
Roz: I'll break every bone in your bent little body!
Bulldog: Hey, if you weren't a girl, and I didn't kinda like this, I'd
be pounding ya!
Frasier: Bap! Not another word.
Roz: But he..
Frasier: Bap! I don't care who did what to whom or in what disgusting
manner. As we speak hoards of Viral Visigoths are hurling
themselves over the battlements of my immune system laying
waste to my.. Oh, Dear God, you can see how weak I am. I can't
even finish a simple Visigoth metaphor.
Bulldog: Well, if you get sick don't go sneezing on everything. The
last time the Happy Chef got a cold I was peeling lettuce of
the mike for a week. [he hits Roz on the backside and
scampers.]
Roz: You will not believe...
Frasier: Hapblap! I meant what I said. I simply cannot deal with
other people's problems today.
Roz: Well, good news for Mark on line three, whose wife is keeping
a pumpkin in a bassinet. Hey, I know what'll make you feel
better. My friend Lisa's having a singles party tonight, I'm
supposed to bring someone who I'm not interested in but
who's a really good catch.
Frasier: Oh! Roz, I need my rest. Even if I didn't I don't want to be
poked and prodded by a bunch of desperate-alcohol-
lubricated-husband-hunters.
Roz: Oh come on! It'll be fun. Cheryl from sales was asking if
you'd be there.
Frasier: Cheryl! Isn't she the one, who at the last company wedding,
hip checked you into the ice sculpture, in the headlong rush
to catch the bouquet.
Roz: That isn't what happened! She thought the bar-tender had
said "last call".
Bulldog: [entering:] Look Roz, I'm not going to fight you anymore.
But I want you to know you said a lot of things that really
hurt my feelings. Fun is fun, but I'm not made of stone. So
I want you to know as of this moment, we work together but
we are no longer friends!
Roz: Do you want to go to a party tonight?
Bulldog: I'm there!
CAT FIGHT ON
A HOT TIN ROOF
Scene Three - Frasier's Apartment.
Martin and Sherry are playing cards in the living room, when Daphne enters
with the exercise mat.
Daphne: Ready to do your exercises?
Martin: No, in a minute.
Sherry: Just a couple more hands.
Daphne: You said that half an hour ago!
Sherry: [to Martin:] Guess I must be a bad influence.
Martin: Yeah, next thing you know you're going to have me smoking
behind the gym! [they laugh]
Daphne: I'm sorry, but it's for your own good. I want you down on
your back in two minutes and no arguments.
Martin: [to Sherry:] Sounds a lot better when you say it! [they
laugh.]
Daphne: [answering the phone:] Hello. Speaking. Oh she did, did she?
Well Sherry was mistaken, I don't go out with people I've
never met. Thank you anyway. [puts phone down.] I can't
believe it! You gave my number to a total stranger?!
Sherry: I thought it would be a nice surprise, you're not seeing
anybody. Kenny is a great guy.
Daphne: He said his name was Jack.
Sherry: Oh, I forgot about Jack.
Daphne: There's more than one!
Sherry: Well, I hope you're a lot nicer to Kenny when he calls. He
has a boat!
Daphne: Why don't you just squeeze me into a pair of hot pants and
drop me off down by the docks.
At the same moment, Frasier is getting in the elevator to go to his,
hopefully, peaceful home. No luck I'm afraid. A man gets into the
elevator and begins violently coughing. However, when Frasier gets up
to his floor, violence takes on a new meaning. In the apartment,
things are going bad.
Sherry: Maybe you wouldn't be so touchy if you didn't wake up on the
wrong side of no-one every morning.
Daphne: That's your answer to everything, sex! It's like you're part
rabbit. People ought to rub your feet for luck!
Martin: Come on now, you don't want to say something, you're going to
regret. You're acting like a couple of fish wives. [beat]See, I'm
regretting that one already.
Daphne: Maybe I would be less touchy, if I didn't spend half my time
cleaning up after you, and the other half on the phone to the
garbage disposal repair man because one of your bloody big
biscuits broke the blade.
Sherry: There's a lot of "B" words for a little girl, here's one you
forgot...
They carry on arguing as Frasier enters. They all stop when he slams
the door.
Frasier: Is Seattle experiencing a "Prozac" shortage?
Martin: Oh, Daphne and Sherry, had a little problem. Actually, maybe
you can settle it.
Frasier: Sorry Dad, it was all I could do to get through my last show,
King Solomon has split his last baby, for the day my health is
hanging by a thread. You're just going to have to settle this
amongst yourselves, quietly! [he exits.]
Daphne: You've got a lot of nerve talking to me that way!
Sherry: Me, you're the one who started it, didn't she Martin?!
Martin: Hey, you're not putting me in the middle of this.
Daphne: I didn't start anything. You've had your big conk in my
business all day!
Sherry: That better mean nose.
Daphne: And what if it doesn't?!
Martin: Hey! Come on, knock it off. Now, I said I wouldn't get involved
in this but; Daphne, Sherry was only trying to be nice.
[Daphne heads for the door.]
Daphne: Of course, you'd take her side, she's the one who keeps your
hammertoes warm at night.
Martin: What the hell's that supposed to mean?
Daphne: Figure it out!
Martin: Oh come on Daph'.. [Daphne leaves slamming the door behind
her.]
SUDDENLY THIS SUMMER
Scene Four - Niles' Apartment
Niles is sitting on his couch, sipping wine and reading a book, with
his cockatoo sitting on his shoulder. The doorbell rings, which of
course, just makes her to dig her claws in. He makes her go to her
perch before answering the door to a rather hot and bothered Daphne.
Niles: Daphne?
Daphne: I'm so sorry to bother you, Dr. Crane, but I had an awful
fight with Sherry and I can't go back there. I tried a
couple of my girlfriends, but they weren't home. So, may I
spend the night here?
Niles stares at her in disbelief. Later, Daphne is reviving him on
the couch after his faint.
Daphne: Relax, Dr. Crane, I'm just unbuttoning your shirt. [he faints
again.]
Later, he awakes.
Daphne: Are you feeling any better?
Niles: Yes. I don't know what happened. My knees never buckled
like that before. The wine and the heat must have made me
dizzy.
Daphne: Yes, it is rather steamy in here.
Niles: I apologise for the lack of air conditioning, seems in order
to live in an exclusive landmark building, one must have to
sweat through the odd heat wave like a tortured [he watches
Daphne lift her shirt up over the fan] character in a
Tennessee Williams play.
Daphne: I can't imagine what you must be thinking. Me barging in
asking to stay the night...
Niles: Well, gee I'm just thinking so many things. [takes a long sip
of his wine.]
Daphne: Sherry just makes me so mad. She's been giving my number to
strange men so they'd call and ask me out.
Niles: How dare she! Why would she do such a thing?
Daphne: Because she says I'm too rigid.
Niles: Nonsense!
Daphne: And that I'm too picky.
Niles: Poppycock!
Daphne: And that I'd be much happier if I just went out and had sex
with someone. [Niles stays quiet and sits next to Daphne
thinking about a possible, but unlikely, future.]
Niles: Just to play "Devil's Advocate".
Daphne: Don't tell me you agree with her.
Niles: No, no, much too hot for hell to have frozen over.
Daphne: I mean it's like caveman thinking, "All Daphne needs is a
quick roll in the hay".
Niles: [turned on:] Yes, well..
Daphne: A little slap and tickle would solve all their problems.
Niles: Yeah, hum..
Daphne: The worse part is; I think she might be right. Maybe part of
why I got so mad at her is because she hit a nerve.
Niles: It's very possible.
Daphne: [lying back:] I mean I have been keeping myself on the shelf
lately, I'm feeling a little out the good China.
Niles: Someone should be eating off you everyday. Hmm. Music?
Daphne: Lovely. You know, I hope this doesn't sound terribly
forward, but I'm so hot. I'd really love to get out of these
sweaty clothes.
Niles cannot believe what he has just heard. The CD player opens
rather imitating something else.
Daphne: Would it be all right if I took a cool bath?
Niles: Yes of course, it's upstairs, third door on your left.
Daphne: Thank you. [runs up to the first balcony.]
Niles: There are fresh towels in the linen closet, use the Indian
cotton, it will be more gentle on your skin.
Daphne: Oh, Dr. Crane you are always thinking of me. [she leaves.]
Niles: [to himself:] You have no idea!
End of Act One. (Time: 11:27)
THE NIGHT OF THE I WANNA
Act Two.
Scene One - Niles' Apartment.
Later, Niles is setting up the living room. Passion fruit
has been laid out and he begins to open a bottle of champagne as
Daphne enters down the steps in a night gown. She remarks on the
fan, as it blows the dressing gown aside revealing her underwear to
Niles. Not concentrating on opening the champagne, the cork flies
away.
Daphne: Thanks for lending me your dressing gown, don't you just love
the feel of silk on your skin?
Niles: Yes. there's nothing quite like it. Passion fruit?
Daphne: Thankyou, [takes a bit] you know if you keep treating me like
this I'll never want to leave.
Niles: [laughs:] Champagne?
Daphne: You shouldn't have. [laughs.]
Niles: I love champagne, but it's a drink for two and I never have
anyone to share it with.
Daphne: Yes, there are things you miss when you're on your own.
Champagne, another person's touch, even if it's just holding
hands. I guess you've been missing that sort of thing too
since you and Mrs. Crane split up. [touches Niles' hand.]
Niles: Well, actually, Maris never held hands, she had a slight
webbing which made her self conscious.
Daphne: Well, I'm sure there are other intimacies you miss.
Niles: Well, actually I still have a longing for.. I sill have a
desire for.. em.. [with fruit:] fruit?
Daphne: Sex!
Niles: Em, yes sex.
Daphne: I'd love some. [laughs:] I mean fruit, all though sex is good
too. [Niles doesn't know what to do, but Daphne just chuckles
along.] I'm sorry Dr. Crane, I guess I just have sex on the
mind tonight. [Niles watches her suck her passion fruit
sensually.]
Niles: Well that happens.
Daphne: Well this weather doesn't help does it. [lays back.] The heat
gets inside you. It makes you so aware of your body. It's
like nature's way of letting you know you're still an animal.
Niles: Rrrr! God, it's hot in here.
Daphne: It seems to be getting hotter every minute.
Niles: [taking some ice from the wine cooler.] Ice?
Daphne: Yes, I could use some right now. [she lets it slip down her
gown, she steals a glance at his butt.] Oh yes, that's better.
Where's your piece?
Niles: [in his daze, he doesn't know whether he's in heaven or not:]
It's melted. I'll get another.
Daphne: You know unless it cool down, I'm afraid we won't be getting
much sleep tonight.
Niles: Shame we have just the one fan.
Daphne: Oh really. [plain:] Yes that is a shame.
The sexual tension between the two is now at it's height. It is
obvious that not only Niles is thinking about jumping into bed with
Daphne but Daphne wants the same. They both stare into the fan,
waiting for events to happen. Who will be the first to crack?
Daphne: The two of us and just one fan. Well of course, your are the
host, you take it.
Niles: No I couldn't sleep at all knowing you were in the next room
hot and... hot.
Daphne: Well, I suppose under the circumstances we could both sleep
in the same room.
Niles: [his heart pounding:] It does... oscillate.
Daphne: [mouth wide open:] What?
Niles: The fan.
They both are ready for sex until a little bell goes on Daphne's
watch.
Daphne: Oh dear.
Niles: What?
Daphne: It's time to take my pills. I forgot all about them, they're
back at the apartment.
Niles: What pills?
Daphne: It's my thyroid. Nothing serious, it's just a bit over
active. If I don't take my pills I tend to faint dead away.
Niles: What's the point in a fainting couch, if you can't use it
once in a while.
Daphne: I'll just run over and get them. I'll come right back.
Niles: No! We'll go together and I'll run up for you. If you and
Sherry get into the same room together the two of you might
make up... [covering:] ...more reasons to fight with one
another.
Daphne agrees and goes to get changed. Niles is now the one who is
hot under the collar so he cools himself off on the fan.
THE BATH MENAGERIE
Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment
Niles enters Frasier's apartment silently, Sherry is trying to
settle things with Martin in the kitchen. It seems that Sherry has
forgiven Daphne, and that she will make it up with her. Niles,
silently creeps around to find Daphne's pills. However, Sherry spots
Niles.
Sherry: Nilesy, where did you come from?
Martin: What are you doing here?
Niles: Daphne's taken refuge at my apartment for the night. I just
stopped by to get a few of her things.
Martin: Back! You weren't going to tell us, you were going to let us
worry all night.
Niles: No, I was going to tell you on my way out.
Martin: Oh this is stupid, I'm going to call her and get her back
here and we're going to work this whole thing out.
Niles: Dad! It's a waste of time, she's so upset there is no way
she'll ever set foot in this apartment tonight!
However, Daphne sets foot in the apartment as he speaks.
Niles: If you don't believe me, you can ask her yourselves.
Daphne: I just remembered, my pills aren't in the medicine cabinet
they're on my dresser.
Niles: What courage, pulling yourself together like this, just
scurry on down to the car, and I'll only be a moment. [Martin
holds him back.]
Martin: Er Daphne, Sherry and I talked about this, and we really feel
bad about this. You know the whole thing is just a
misunderstanding.
Sherry: If you want, I suppose we could sit down and talk it out.
Daphne: Well, I suppose we could.
Niles: Obviously these two wild cats can't come to terms. The best
thing will be for them to be apart. I know, I'm a psychiatrist.
Sherry: No, your dad is right, now Daphne just misunderstood.
Daphne: I didn't exactly misunderstand. You did set me up with a
total stranger!
Sherry: Oh but he's not a stranger, he comes in the bar all the time.
Daphne: Oh! A bar-fly much better.
Sherry: Oh there you go again!
Daphne: Me!
Martin: You know you two are really a lot alike.
Both: How dare you! I'm nothing like her.
Niles: [happy about the arguments, he runs to the medicine cabinet:]
Talk amongst yourselves!
Martin leaves and even Eddie is tired of the arguing. Frasier,
meanwhile, is soaking up his troubles in a bath of bubbles. He is
fast asleep with his therapeutic mask on, at least he was asleep
until Martin arrived.
Martin: Frasier.
Frasier: I'm taking a bath.
Martin: Bubbles?!
Frasier: They're aromatherapeutic. And exactly what part of "I'm
taking a bath" did you take to mean "come on in".
Martin: Well I'm sorry to tax your delicate system, but Daphne is
back and she and Sherry are at it again. And I don't know
what to do and this is your department.
Frasier: Yes, all right, unless blood has been spilled, and on a
carpeted area, I don't care. Now get out!
Sherry: [walks in:] There you are, Marty I tried but that girl has
no manners what so ever. [sits on bath.] Hey Frasier.
Frasier: Do you mind!
Daphne: [entering:] I knew I'd find you in here, [to Frasier:]
whatever they're telling you about me, it's not true.
Frasier: Daphne, please, you cannot come in here.
Daphne: Why not? She can!
Frasier: No she can't, no-one can.
Niles: [entering with Daphne's things:] Frasier have you no
decency, Daphne lets go!
Frasier: All right! I am moments away from succumbing once and for
all in this loop, I am going to take one stab at this and
then I am going to sink, Hippopotamus like, beneath the
bubbles. I think what this all comes down to, is a dispute
over turf. Daphne and Sherry are like two animals set-
marking their territory, which in this case is you dad.
Martin: You couldn't come out with a less disgusting comparison.
Frasier: All right, all right, fine, it's like the Roman emperor
Tiberius, his mother, Lydia, and his wife, Vipsania.
Martin: What?
Sherry: Huh?
Daphne: Who?
Niles: Go on.
Frasier: Fine! Daphne, your primary role in this household is to take
care of dad. Sherry, you also enjoy taking care of dad. I
expect that your attempts to find Daphne a boyfriend are
really an unconscious ploy to get her out of the way. [Sherry
disagrees] It's unconscious. [Sherry thinks about it.]
Daphne, naturally you are threatened by this and you feel
you are no longer needed.
Daphne: I have been feeling a bit unwanted lately.
Niles: Well a night without your services will have them singing a
different tune, let's go.
Frasier: Nobody's going to be singing anything tonight! Daphne, I
think we now all understand why you stormed out of here
earlier. A strong emotion like not feeling wanted can drive
anyone into a rash and impulsive act. [Niles and Daphne
share glances.]
Daphne: Yes, it nearly did... I mean yes it did.
Frasier: Well, at the route of this, you're both just feeling insecure.
Martin: Exactly! [they all look at him]
Frasier: Though it could probably have been avoided if dad had been
sensitive enough to remind you that you are both important
in his life.
Martin: What are you saying? That it's my fault.
Daphne: Well I must admit, a few reassuring words might just
have done the trick.
Sherry: Marty does have difficulty expressing his feelings.
Martin: No, I don't!
Daphne: [to Sherry:] Oh, Sherry.
Sherry: [to Daphne:] Oh, save it honey, it wasn't our fault.
Martin: Yes it was, [to Sherry:] you said that she was skinny and
[to Daphne:] you said that she was "big mouth".
Frasier: Now, that is not important. We all feel better now.
Martin: Well I don't!
Frasier: Oh look, I'm running out of patience, I'm running out of
strength, and I'm running out of bubbles! Please, the
lecture has ended!
Daphne: You're a good psychiatrist, Dr. Crane.
Sherry: You sure are hon'. You see Marty this isn't just a lot of
hooey.
Frasier sinks into his bath. Niles is the only one left.
Niles: [sarcastic:] Thank you very much!
Frasier: Please Niles, look unconsciously you knew it wasn't right.
That's why you brought Daphne back here.
Niles: No! We came back to fetch her damn thyroid pills.
Frasier: You're a doctor, why didn't you just use your prescription
pad. [Niles cannot believe it.]
Niles: Oh my God!
Frasier: Isn't there an all night pharmacy across the street from
your building?
Niles: Oh my God!
Niles leaves nearly in tears, whilst Frasier ignores him and tries to
sink under the bubbles. However, the bubbles just cause him to
sneeze.
End Of Act Two (Time: 21:22)
Credits:
Frasier wipes the bubbles off his face in the bath, whilst Eddie
trots in. He gets up on the side and gets ready to jump into the
water. However, Frasier shouts at him making him run away. Frasier
finally settles down beneath the bubbles.
Legal Stuff
This episode capsule is copyright 1999 by Nick Hartley. This
episode summary remains property of Frasier, Copyright of Paramount
Productions and NBC. Printed without permission. 
