Roz's Turn Written by Joe Keenan
Directed by Joyce Gittlin
=====================================================================
Production Code: 4.17.
Original Airdate on NBC: 15th April 1997.
Transcript written on 26th May 1999.
Quotes & Scene Summary {nick hartley}
GUYS AND DOLLS
Act One. In Frasier's apartment, Frasier opens the door to his
brother Niles.
Frasier: Niles.
Niles: I'm sorry to drop by unanounced but I need your help.
Frasier: Oh course. Sherry?
Niles: Please. As you know, ever since I moved into the Montana
I've been angeling to meet our most famous tenant: Esmeralda
Bing, the Walnut Queen. Well, I finally cornered her in the
ornamental garden - by the wishing well, and I felt very
pleased with myself that is until the Walnut Queen invited
me to a ball. Now I have a problem.
Frasier: [saracastic:] Yes, your life has become an operetta.
Niles: [smiles at the quip] No, it's a charity ball. And when I say
invited, I mean she let me buy a table for ten at five
thousand dollars. I've until Sunday to sell eight - five
hundred dollar tickets....
Frasier: [picking up cheque book:] Say no more. It's a bit steep but
if it's for charity!
Niles: Thankyou Frasier, it is a very worthy cause.
Frasier: Alright you should I make this out to?
Niles: [Frasier writes as Niles speaks] The Esmeralda... Bing...
International... Doll Museum.
Frasier: [puts cheque book away and rips cheque up]
Niles: I thought you prided yourself on supporting the arts?!
Frasier: The arts Niles, not the crafts!
At this point Daphne & Martin come out the bedroom and into the main
room, arguing as usual.
Martin: I told you, I can't do it now. Sherry's taking me out for our
third month anniversary, and I've got to get a new sport
coat.
Daphne: You cannot skip your excercises again - you skipped them
yesterday.
Martin: This is the only time Sherry can go shopping with me and I
can't go without her. There isn't a woman alive with her
fashion sense!
Niles: [aside to Frasier:] Carmen Miranda having passed on!
Daphne: I should think having a Lady-friend would make you excercise
more not less. I don't mean to be indelicate, but a man in
your condition who want's to enjoy certain, shall we say,
indoor sports should take steps to make sure that cranky old
"Mr. Hip" doesn't, shall we say, let down the team if you get
my meaning?
Martin: Don't you worry about me, I may not be the rookie of the year
any more but I can still move around the bases!
Martin opens the door to leave and bumps into Roz who is standing
there.
Roz: Oh hey Martin.
Niles: [aside to Frasier:] Oh look, it's a scout from the majors.
Martin: I'll see you later, I gotta run. [leaves]
Frasier: Oh, this is a surprise.
Roz: [happy:] Big news. Girty Oldson is leaving the station.
Daphne: What from Girty's Grotbag? I love that show.
Frasier: Oh please, that humberly spouting Hausfrau - it's the most
embarrasing thing on the air. So, she finally got canned eh?
Roz: No, she got a million dollar TV deal.
Frasier: [sarcastic:] Good news for Gertie and for the many athiests
who will welcome this new proof of their theory.
Roz: Anyway, they're auditioning people for her time slot and -
I'm going to go for it.
Frasier: What do you mean - your own show?
Daphne: Roz, that exciting.
Niles: [slyly:] And what better way to celebrate an exciting new
carrear move than spending this Sunday at a swanky society
ball. [takes out tickets]
Frasier: Drop it Niles! Of course, this comes as a little surprise.
Daphne: Yeah, I never knew you were interested in getting your own
show.
Roz: Well, it's the whole reason I got into radio. I mean I had
my own show in college and when I started working at the
station I kinda got stuck on the producing side.
Frasier: What kind of show did you have in mind?
Roz: I thought I'd talk about stuff I know. The singles life in
Seattle, dating, fashion, where to meet available men...
Niles: Well if you're looking for an event which will be crawling
with attractive single men, [takes tickets out] this
particular ga...
Frasier: [angry:] Niles!
Roz: Anyway Frasier, I hope that you'll support me on this.
Frasier: Well, I'd hate to loose you but of course I'll support you.
Roz: [happy:] Oh thankyou Frasier, you're the best.
Frasier: [modest:] Well..
Roz: Listen, as long as I've got you all here - I'm putting
together an audition and I could use people to pretend to be
callers...
Frasier: [happily:] We'd be glad to help.
Daphne: Sounds like fun.
Roz: Alright, I'll come back tonight. Oh and Daphne, I need at
least one spicey call. Could you pretend to be a woman
doesn't believe in sex without love but just feels so horny
sometimes she wants to jump anything in pants.
Daphne: [sarcastic:] Well, I'll try. And while I'm at it, I'll she
if I can fake a British accent!
This causes Niles knees to wobble as he clutches onto his brother.
ANY PORT MANTEAU
IN A STORM
Later, Roz, Niles, Daphne and Frasier are sitting around the dining
room table. Niles is holding a microphone connected to a tape
recorder. Roz begins her audition tape.
Roz: [into microphone:] Good afternoon Seattle, I'm Roz Doyle and
this is "Love Matters". Today we're chating with merchant
seamen, Steve Barron, from Billingham. Tell me Steve, what
do you look for in an ideal date?
Frasier: [normal posh voice:] When my shipmates and I pull into port
after several weeks at sea...
Roz: Cut! [stops tape:] Sorry Frasier, but you don't sound like a
merchant seamen.
Frasier: Oh, let's try again alright.
Roz: [starts tape:] So, Steve, what do you look for in an ideal
date?
Frasier: [in a pirate voice:] When my shipmates and I pull into port
after several weeks at sea, the first thing we do is...
Niles: [interupting in pirate voice:] ....head for the antique
sale. [laughs - Roz turns off tape]
Frasier: Fine smarty pants, well you play Steve then.
Roz: Never mind, let's just go onto my next idea. Daphne? OK. You
be the girlfriend of a couple who wants to spice things up
in the bedroom. Niles, will you be her boyfriend?
Niles: [quickly:] Yes.
Roz: OK. [starts tape:] I'm here with Fred and Patty. Tell me you
two, what made you think that your sex life needs a little
jump start.
Daphne: It's all his fault. He just seems to have lost interest in
me. I've done everything I can to entice him. I've.. served
dinner wearing nothing but high heels and an apron. I've
called him at the office and talked dirty.. and last night
when he came home I was lying in bed wearing a whip cream
teddy! But, [angry:] did he care? No!
Roz: And none of this turns you on Fred.
Niles doesn't answer. He just stares into nothingness reliving their
imaginary past experiences. Roz gets impatient.
Roz: Fred?
Niles: [comes out of trance:] That's nothing, you should hear the
other things that don't turn me on! Tell me about it about
Patty.
Roz: Let's cut to the chase: Patty, men are like fish. When you
first hook 'em they wriggle around like crazy. But once you
finally reel them in they just lie there with that glassy
look.
Niles: That's terrible advice.
Roz: No, it isn't.
Niles: Yes it is, you have no idea how Fred really feels about
Daphne.. [stops himself:] Patsy.
Daphne: [correcting him:] Patty.
Niles: [acknowledging her:] Patty.
Roz: This is pointless.
Frasier: No, Roz, you're doing just fine.
Roz: [angry:] No, I was terrible! I wasn't helpful, I wasn't
smart.. I wasn't even sassy!
Frasier: Well perhaps not sassy but you were simply saucy, that
borders on sassy.
Frasier and Roz enters the kitchen as Martin enters the living room
from the front door.
Daphne: Hello Mr. Crane, how was your romantic evening with Sherry?
Martin: Oh, it was fine. [laughs but:] Er, hey Daph', how about
getting that excercise mat out, we'll do some stretches eh?
Daphne: Can't right now, I'm helping Roz with her audition tape.
Martin: [impatient:] Well, how long's it going to take?
Daphne: What are you so eager for? [realising:] Oh, I get the
picture. Not too limber with Sherry this evening were we? Two
hips but no horray?
Martin: Very funny! Well, you haven't exactly been burning it up in
the romance department either.
Daphne: What do you know about my love life?!
At this moment Niles accidentaly slips on the play button.
Daphne: [on tape:] I was lying in bed wearing a whipped cream teddy.
Did he care...
Niles switches it off with sorrowful gestures as Daphne looks
embarrased to a confused Martin. Meanwhile, Frasier is consoling Roz
in the kitchen.
Frasier: It takes some tim to get a hang of it first, but I mean, you
should have heard my audition tape [laughs], I was so inept
it was incredible.
Roz: [remembering:] That's true!
Frasier: Oh, oh you heard it. Well then you see that... [mutters]
Roz: [laughing:] There was a bootleg floating around the station
for months!
Frasier: Yes well fine so you get my point then...
Roz: People still play it at parties!
Frasier: [angry:] Alright, Roz.
Roz and Frasier enter the main room where Martin is sitting on his
baracalounger.
Martin: So, hey Roz, I hear you're trying out for a new job?
Roz: Yes, as a matter of fact I am. And you can really help me
with my demo.
Martin: What do I do?
Roz: I just want an honest answer. I want to talk to you about
first dates.
Martin: OK.
Niles: [laughs:] Are you sure dad's the best candidate for this
particular subject?
Frasier: [laughs]
Martin: [easily:] Quick survey. How many Crane men here with a
girlfriend? [Only Martin raises his hand] No, no, keep 'em
up while I count.
Frasier: [backing up:] Alright!
Roz: Great. OK Frasier, start the tape. [he does and Roz into
it:] Alright, we're here with Martin and we're talking about
first dates. Martin, tell me some of the tricks you use to
impress women.
Martin: [modest:] Hmmm, well I'm sorry to disapoint you Roz but I
really don't know any tricks. Mean, if a woman agreed to go
out with me I'd, er, well I'm not there to impress her or to
play cool. I'm there because I want to know her, er, what
she thinks, er, what she likes, so that if I'm lucky enough
to get another date I can plan something that I know she'd
like to do. I guess I'm still old fashioned or something,
but I think you should treat a woman like a queen.
Daphne and Roz look at each other and give a sigh of wonder, hope and
freshness.
Martin: [to kids:] Bow to the master boys, bow to the master.
Later that week Frasier and Bulldog are in the forum outside
the manager's office. Bulldog is there and notices Bebe who has just
walked in.
Bulldog: Hey, Bebe!
Bebe: Bulldog Briscoe, my absolute favourite client.
Frasier: Hello Bebe.
Bebe: And Frasier Crane, alert the judges, we have a tie!
Frasier: [laughs and notices people with Bebe] Oh my goodness, what a
flock, these all yours.
Bebe: Yes. The minute I heard about the auditions I piled all my
hottest new discoverys into the van.
Frasier: You brought them in a van?
Bebe: I call it my "Bebe stars of tomorrow tour". [to flock:]
People, I want you to meet Frasier Crane.
Frasier: Hello.
Bebe: [selling him:] The caring and kindest agent I've ever had.
[introducing:] Frasier, this is Professor Pete - the human
encyclopedia. Ask him anything, he can't be stopped.
Frasier: Oh alright, explain Freud's theory of the super ego.
Pete: [as if reading textbook:] Sigmund Freud, noted psychiatrist
was born in Vienna. [stops]
Frasier: [confused:] That's not what I asked.
Pete: He believed dreams had secret meanings. [stops]
Bebe: [covering up:] He just pulls it out of the air. But, if it's
a rawcas political debate you want: meet newly weds Hank and
Hannah Finch.
Frasier: Hello Hank.
Bebe: [selling them:] He's a right wing Baptist preacher, she's a
fun loving bisexual! Conflicts? You bet! Have you ever seen
such talent.
Frasier: [laughs:] Well..
Bebe: [takes Frasier aside:] Uh, they're pathetic!
At this moment Roz bursts out of the manager's office with excitement. She rushes over to Frasier.
Roz: [excited:] It went really well!
Frasier: Oh Roz, I'm so excited for you.
Roz: You know what he actually said? At this moment I am the
candidate to beat.
Frasier: Oh congratulations Roz...
Roz: OK, I'm going to get set up for the show, I'm so excited.
[exits]
Frasier: [half-heartedly:] OK.
Bebe: Well, ra-ra for little Roz.
Frasier: Yes well, I'm really thrilled for her I am, but [pauses:]
God knows where I'm going to find another productions, I
feel so insinct without her.
Bebe: You know, Hank Finch produced hygene films in the army.
Frasier: No, Bebe, I don't think so. Ah, I'm not proud to admit this
but there's a small part of me that hopes she won't get the
job. God I feel guilty just saying that.
Bebe: [pleased:] You're so good, everything makes you feel guilty.
I'm so proud to represent you. You're like a modern day...
what's his name. [to Pete:] Pete, famous German doctor -
built a hospital in Africa, Albert something?
Pete: Hang on.
Frasier: [jumping to it:] Schweizer.
Pete: [positive:] No.
As Pete fiddles with this "problem", Bebe and Frasier look at each
other in disgust.
End Of Act One. [Time: 11:08]
Act Two. In KACL, Frasier is just finishing his radio show.
Frasier: [on air:] And that is it for our show today. But before I
sign off, this final note to Carla who called us earlier
from the planet "Fripton". The technical term for your
condition which alluded me earlier is "Skitzofrenaform
Disorder". [off air:] Or in layman's terms...
Frasier uses his finger to wobble his lips sounding like a mad man as
Roz enters the booth. She notices a gathering outside the booth.
Roz: Hey, what's going on out here?
Frasier: Good Lord is it someone's birthday?
Bulldog: [enters:] Hey Roz, I hate to be the one to brake it to you,
but Brenda from the newsroom got the job.
Roz: Brenda?
Frasier: [unhappy for her:] Oh Roz.
Bulldog: It's total BS. Listen, er, if you need a little comforting
later... [shouts and runs off:] Hey Brenda, alright. [comes
back:] I'm there for you. [leaves to Brenda]
Frasier: Roz, I'm so sorry.
Roz: [covering up:] Oh hell, I'll be OK. Guess I better go
congratulate winner.
Frasier: Right.
Frasier goes into the KACL corridor as Roz exits. He spots Bebe.
Frasier: Bebe, did you hear what happened to Roz?
Bebe: [delighted:] Yes, no need to thank me darling.
Frasier: [confused:] What are you talking about?
Bebe: I spoke to the station manager - I told him just what how
you'd feel if he gave Roz the job.
Frasier: [angry:] You did what?! [paranoid:] In here.
Frasier and Bebe enter the booth.
Bebe: I said that Frasier Crane wasn't about to work for a station
that would steal his producer away. A bluff of course, but
he crumbled like a Mozza.
Frasier: Oh, how could you? I told you that I didn't want to lose Roz
but I didn't mean you to sabotage her!
Bebe: You didn't? Oh no, what a horrible misunderstanding.
[pauses:] Wink! [laughs]
Frasier: I mean it!
Bebe: Oh, I see so when you said in that off handed way that you
hoped Roz wouldn't get the job... I totally misinteperated
you. [pauses:] Wink! [laugh]
Frasier: Will you stop winking! My God,I could never want such a
thing! There's got to be some way I can still reverse this!
At this moment Roz enters the booth.
Roz: [sarcastically:] Oh that was fun, I got to watch Brenda sign
her new contract!
Bebe: Roz, I think what they did to you is monstrous. [Frasier
can't believe her lies] I wish I could stay here and console
you but my people are waiting for me in the van. I hope
someone cracked a window! [exits]
Frasier: Listen Roz, this is something we need to talk about...
Roz: Oh Frasier, I know what you're going to say. That I tried my
best, that I deserved it. I'm fine with this really. Yeah, I
gave it a shot: that's what counts. I didn't get it. It's
not like.... [bursting into tears:] my life is over!
Roz, overridden in tears takes refuge in Frasier's chest. Some time
later she manages to get herself together and pulls away, still
upset.
Roz: [upset:] Oh look at me, I'm so busy feeling sorry for myself
I haven't even thanked you for all your help.
Frasier: [troubled:] That's not necessary.
Roz: Oh it is! Look how close you helped me get, it's because of
you I'm second choice.
Frasier: I can't argue with that! [coming over:] There's something I
need to confess to you, as much as I hoped that you would
get the job there was a very small part of me that, and a
very selfish part, that I hoped you wouldn't.
Roz: That's not bad, that's really kinda sweet.
Frasier: Oh, I'm glad you feel that way because I happened to mention
those feelings to Bebe.
Roz: [shocked:] Bebe?! You told Bebe?!
Frasier: Just in passing.
Roz: Oh great! She torpedoed me didn't she?
Frasier: Yes... well she said I'd quit if you got the job.
Roz: I can't believe this!
Frasier: Well, I'm glad to see that you're as mad at her as I am.
Roz: I'm mad at you!
Frasier: Me?
Roz: How could you have done that?
Frasier: Well it was just a off-hand remark, how did I know how she'd
react?
Roz: [angry:] It's Bebe! If you had said you liked my eyes, they
would have been on your desk tomorrow in a tiffany box.
Frasier: Oh Roz, I'm so sorry, just tell me how I can make it up to
you. I promise I will.
Roz: You mean it?
Frasier: Yes, anything, just name it!
Roz: Fire Bebe.
Frasier: [surpised:] Well, em, how.. isn't there something else you'd
like?
Roz: The only thing I wanted was that job and she took it away.
I'm not just suggesting this for my sake - I'm suggesting it
for yours. She is your represenative. When she goes out into
the world lying and twisting your words and stabbing people
in the back: it reflects badly on you.
Frasier: You're right Roz. How can I consider myself an ethical
person when I have the princess of darkness conducting my
business for me? Well, that's it, I'm going to have to fire
that coniving harpé.
Roz: I'm very proud of you.
Frasier: I'm ashamed to think how long I've turned a blind eye on her
unscrupulous behaviour. What far? 20% pay increase, six week
paid vacation, an expense account, a travel allowance.
Roz: [worried:] Frasier.
Frasier: [madly:] Well not anymore! [exits followed by Roz]
ACROSS THE RIVER STYX
Frasier and Roz are in Bebe's waiting room. Vera, an old secretary,
talks into her phone summoning Bebe.
Vera: Frasier Crane's here. He's not alone. [to Frasier:] Have a
seat.
Bebe: [enters waiting room:] Frasier, Roz, my two favourite
people.
Roz: Not for long.
Frasier: Bebe, we're going to discuss what happened this morning -
this time you won't wink your way out of it!
Bebe: This is serious, you two come right in - we'll solve this
thing. Let's just promise to be totally honest with each
other.
Frasier and Roz enter the office as Bebe speaks to Vera aside.
Bebe: We're losing one. Code red!
Bebe enters the office and sits at her desk. Signed photos of her
clients decorate the room. A picture of Frasier and one of Bulldog
are in prime place on the wall.
Bebe: What can I get you? Champagne?
Roz: Nothing.
Bebe: A massage?
Frasier: No thankyou.
Bebe: You sure? Vladamir can be here in five minutes, he will play
your spine like a Steinway.
Roz: Can we just get started.
Bebe: Roz, I'm just a wreck about our misunderstanding today. Will
you ever forgive me?
Roz: No.
Bebe: Why should you? I don't forgive myself.
Frasier: Bebe, what you did today was unfair and not just to Roz but
to me.
As Frasier begins his speech Vera walks in with a tray. She puts it
down on the desk and begins taking pills and putting them in glasses.
Then she pours a glass of water. Bebe takes these simultaeonously
until it gets beyond a joke.
Frasier: [throughout the above:] Thanks to you, a strain has been put
on our relationship.. both professional and... personally.
All of this, I might be able to let go of an isolate
incident but... I am concerned that.. [narked off about the
pill taking:] Are you quite alright?!
Bebe: It's nothing, it's just a silly little cardiac thing. [to
Vera:] Go, go, you're distracting my client. My clients
comes first.
Vera begins to leave with the tray however Roz picks the pill bottle
up and shows it to Frasier as Vera exits.
Roz: Oh poor Bebe, how many fake pills do you have to take
everyday.
Frasier: Yes, do you really think that you can sit there popping a
bunch of.. [realises lable:] Digitalis! Oh my God! You
really are sick.
Bebe: Well of course I'm sick, but it makes me even sicker to
think that I've angered your will when all I wanted to do
was keep the best damn team in radio together!
Roz: Oh God, we gonna need a shovel to get out of here!
Frasier: Alright Bebe, be that as it may, but I still...
The phone interrupts Frasier. Bebe answers it.
Bebe: [angry into phone:] I told you, no calls! [listens] What
about my sister? One second. [then:] Did the air bag deploy?
[traumatised:] Look, I'm gonna to have to call you back,
Frasier's here and my clients come first! [hangs up, then
nearly crying:] Sorry you were saying?
Frasier: Since the moment we met you showed yourself to be ruthless
and untrustworthy. As these are qualities I do not wish to
have associated with my name, I think it's best we simply
part...
Yet again the phone interrupts his speech. Bebe again answers on
speaker phone.
Bebe: [answers:] What did I say about calls?!
Girl: [young girl voice on phone crying:] Aunty Bebe.
Bebe: [holding a girls picture in her hand] Susy. Sorry to hear
about your mummy's accident.
Girl: I'm frightened aunty Bebe.
Bebe: Don't be, little one.
Girl: If mummy goes to heaven will you take care of me?
Bebe: Of course, my little lamb, assuming that I have the
resources.
Frasier: [intriged:] Bebe, you know I can't help noticing that none
of your outside lines are lit up!
Bebe: [crying:] The bulbs are broken! [to phone:] I'm going to
have to go. I'm with a client and you know what we say about
clients.
Frasier opens the door at this point revealing Vera on the phone
imitating the young girl.
Vera: [in girls voice:] They always come first.
Roz: You are amazing!
Frasier: [to Bebe:] Is there nothing you won't stoop too?
Bebe: [mocked shock:] I had no idea who I was speaking to! [to
Vera:] How dare you impersonate my neice, I've had enough of
your cruel jokes - you're fired mother! [Vera just shrugs,
then to Frasier:] I just want to say..
Frasier: No stop it! Not one more crooked word! Your tongue could
open a wine bottle. From now Frasier Crane has resigned from
your coven.
Bebe: [upset:] Huh! That's it is it? I'm not the virtous enough
for you, not noble, fine. Quit! Next time you need a deal
made, call the Dali Lama. A long time ago, I had to make a
choice between being a good agent and a good person because,
trust me, you can't be both! So forgive me if I don't have
time to make everybody warm and fuzzy, I am just too busy
spending every waking minute pouring any drink, pulling any
shameless tricks I can to make my clients dreams come true!
I am a star maker! And if you can't appreciate that, there
are plenty that can! [to Roz:] How about you, you want an
agent.
Frasier: Oh pha-lease!
Roz: You mean it?
Frasier: Roz!
Roz: I've never had an agent, it's not like she worships the
devil.
Frasier: She doesn't have to, he worships her.
Roz: You're absolutely right, Frasier. Forget it, Bebe. No way!
Bebe: That voice, I could listen to it all day - it's pure yet
smouldering like a nun with a past.
Roz: You think so?
Frasier: No, Roz, don't look her in the eye!
Bebe: I could triple your salary, voice-overs, commercials..
Frasier: Roz, listen to me for God's sake. If you've got the tiniest
shred of sense or dignity left remember what this woman did
to you this afternoon and renounce her, she has no scruples,
no ethics and no reflection!
Roz: [worried:] Let's get out of here.
Frasier: Well, thanks doing business with you. [pauses then obvious
and nasty:] Wink!
Frasier and Roz enter the foyay. However, Roz enters the office
again.
Roz: Oh Frasier, I forgot my purse. [enters office to Bebe:]
Lunchtime tomorrow?
Bebe: 12:30, Benardeys.
End Of Act Two [Time: 21:10]
Credits:
Bebe is talking to another client in her office - a man with a
monkey. Is is obviously complaining about her as Bebe is taking the
pills that are being given to her by Vera again. Eventually the
monkey man gets weary and leaves the office. Bebe begins spitting the
pills out.
Legal Stuff
This episode capsule is copyright 1999 by Nick Hartley. This episode
summary remains property of Frasier, Copyright of Paramount
Productions and NBC. Printed without permission.
