Roz's Krantz And Gouldenstein Are Dead Written by William Lucas Walker
Directed by Jeff Melman
=====================================================================
Production Code: 4.15.
Original Airdate on NBC: 11th March 1997.
Transcript written on 9th July 2000.
Transcript {john masson}
Act One
Scene One: Frasier's BMW. He and Niles are driving down a country road.
Niles: Oh, did I mention? Two of my 'Fear of Commitment' group have
announced they're getting married.
Frasier: Ohh, congratulations.
Niles: Thank you. There's a downside though - they're New Age types -
the wedding's to be held in the woods.
Frasier: So?
Niles: I need a date. You know how the women in my crowd tend to droop
outdoors.
Frasier: Yes well, Niles. There are all sorts of different women in the
world. Perhaps if you tiptoed beyond the fringes of your precious
circle, cast a wider net..
They pass a workgang, clearing the side of the road.
Niles: Frasier? That woman by the side of the road, spearing trash!
Frasier: Not that wide.
Niles: No no. It's Roz!
Frasier: My God, it is! (he stops beside her)
Niles: If she realizes we've recognised her, she'll be utterly humiliated.
(shouts) OH ROZ!?
Roz turns round, then tries to hide her face.
Roz: Oh my God! You're not seeing me! Go away!
Frasier: Roz! What on earth are you doing here?
Roz: Just let me in.
Niles: Wait, I'll spread papers (does so, all over the back seat)
Frasier: Oh yes. Thank you Niles. (to Roz) All right.
Roz climbs in the back, complete with trash spear.
Roz: Okay, let's go.
Frasier: What? What do you mean, 'Let's go'? I can't do that, I don't
even know why you're here.
Roz: About a month ago, I got stopped doing sixty in a thirty mile
an hour zone. It was either a huge fine or community service.
So here I am. It's a nightmare. Breathing exhaust fumes, using
a spatula to scrape up roadkills?
Frasier: Well, at least look on the bright side. You're outdoors, you can
enjoy nature, you're beautifying out highways...
Roz: Frasier, I found an ear!
Frasier: Are there no other service you could have performed?
Roz: The only other option was visiting old people in a retirement
home.
Frasier: And you chose this?
Niles: Well, think about it. Walking the streets, picking up trash; You
can see how Roz would go with the familiar. (this earns him a
clip round the head from Roz)
Roz: Old people just make me uncomfortable.
Frasier: Roz, have you considered that your discomfort around the elderly
may stem from your own fear of growing old?
Roz: (sarcastically) Wow! D'you think? (sees something) Oh my god!
Frasier: What?
Roz: It's my supervisor. Hit the gas.
Frasier: I can't. It might be illegal.
Roz: (putting trash spear to Niles's head) Move or your brother gets
it!
Frasier: Absolutely not!
Roz: All right, the headrest.
Frasier: Off we go. (drives off, at speed)
Scene Two: Frasier's Apartment. He and Niles enter as Daphne helps Martin
with his exercises.
Frasier: Oh, well dad. Doing your exercises. Very good.
Daphne: (to Martin, as he raises his knee) There you go! Congratulations,
Mr Crane! You finally got your knee past your ribcage.
Martin: Ohh, it's no big deal.
Frasier: Well, It's more than Lilith could accomplish after five years
of marriage.
Daphne: You know, it's so gratifying seeing your father make these little
improvements. It's days like this I'm glad that I took this
position.
Niles: (watching Daphne from behind, as she is bent over) We're all glad
you took this position.
Frasier: Well, y'know Daphne, I must say there are some times I envy you.
Here you go, Niles. (throws a bottle of water to Niles, which
sails past his head when he doesn't react. Frasier hands him the
other bottle) Y'know, I'm just saying it's always gratifying to
see some reward for your efforts. Lately, that's something I've
been lacking in my own work.
Niles: How so?
Frasier: Ohh, well y'know back in private practice I could spend months,
even years with a patient, see the fruits of my labour. Now, some-
body calls in, I give my advice, and never know how things work
out. I simply release my humble words into the airwaves and then
they're gone forever, vanished.
Niles: So like my Tiffany cufflinks. (at Frasier's stare) I'd hoped to
wear them to my new age wedding, they've disappeared.
Frasier: So you know my pain! Well, I'm not really dissatisfied, it's just
that.. well Daphne, y'know, you get to see your progress with
dad, Niles, you have the upcoming marriage of your commitment
phobics..
Martin: Oh c'mon, you help people all the time. You helped me just the
other day.
Frasier: How?
Martin: Well, I was woried beccause Eddie had lost his appetite,and remember
what you said?
Frasier: If I remember rightly, I said "Well why don't you give him some
of my truffle fois gras?"
Martin: Right.
Frasier: I was being funny.
Martin: ..Oh. (covering) Well yeah. Well I knew that. Ha-ha. That just
cheered me right up. C'mon Eddie! (retreats to bedroom as Frasier
dashes into kitchen)
Scene Three: KACL radio station. Frasier is waiting for Roz. He checks the
corridor. Bulldog is getting chocolate from the vending machine.
Frasier: Excuse me, Bulldog?
Bulldog: What's up, doc? (breaks into giggles)
Frasier: Listen, have you seen Roz? She's late. My show goes on in thirty
seconds.
Bulldog: Y'know what? I'd dump her.
Frasier: That's a little extreme, don't you think?
Bulldog: No. I fire everybody once a year. Housekeepers, personal trainers,
phutt. Y'know, cut them off before they start copping an attitude.
Oh, oh. Doctors are the worst of all. You pick up the same disease
three or four times, they start lecturing you like it's your fault.
(indicating chocolate) Wanna bite?
Frasier: Not if you skipped it to me over a pool of disinfectant. (goes
back into booth and sits down. On air) Hello, Seattle. Good after-
noon, this is Dr Frasier Crane. Y'know, today we're going to do
things just a little bit different. For the past four years now
I've been taking your calls and giving advice, and I was thinking
perhaps our listeners are wondering how things have turned out.
I know I do. So today I invite those of you who've called in in
the past to give us a holler, and we can catch up on how things
have worked out for you. All our lines are open. ...(silence)
C'mon. C'mon, you know the number. Ahh, there we are. (opens line)
Hello. This is Dr Frasier Crane. How did I help you?
Chet: Hello Dr Crane, This is Chet from Whitby Island. I gave you a
call last year? I was having problems with a low self esteem.
Frasier: Ahh. Ah, I see. And did my advise help you to become more assertive?
Chet: Damn straight. And now people say I'm downright arrogant. Well
you know what I say? Screw 'em!
Frasier: Well, perhaps you took my advice just a bit too far.
Chet: Who the hell are you? Screw you too! (line goes dead)
Frasier: Well, as I give myself a well deserved pat on the back, and
Chet marches off to invade Poland, (Roz finally walks in) Let's
just go to commercial. (off air) Well Roz, glad you could join
us.
Roz: You're lucky I made it at all. I took your advice, went down to
that retirement home to finish off my community service..
Frasier: Ooh, lot better than spearing trash, isn't it?
Roz: You tell me. I started playing checkers with this old man, Mr
Krantz? Well, things got a little competitive and he made a really
bad move and I said; "You're a dead man!"
Frasier: Oh dear. I think I see where this story is headed.
Roz: A minute later, he's lying sprawled across the board, pieces are
everywhere, the whole place is screaming, when I pulled him up
he still had a checker stuck to his forehead.
Frasier: Roz, I am so sorry. I, I can see how you could be very traumatised
by this..(on air) Hi. We're back. That was a very catchy commercial,
wasn't it? Let's get back to it.(off air) Roz listen. You can't
be too upset about this. Now given the circumstances, his age
and his surroundings, surely this thing was sort of expected.
Roz: Not with this guy. The whole reason I liked him was he was so
youthful and robust. (Bulldog enters) You should have
seen him Frasier, he was raring to go, he kept bragging about
how good he was, and how much fun it was going to be, and he
dies on me!
Bulldog: Hey, it happens to all guys, okay?
Frasier: Bulldog..
Bulldog: No, no. This is a pet peeve of mine, doc. Why is it always the
guy's fault? Y'know, if you chicks needed a little less booze
to get from maybe to yes, we'd be a lot more alert when the moment
of truth arrives.
Frasier: Bulldog, Roz was playing checkers with an elderly gentleman and
he died.
Bulldog: Oh, well. When I said "We" I didn't mean me because I don't have
that.. Hey, you're a doctor, that was confidential! (leaves)
Roz: Well. Guess it's back to scraping up roadkills.
Frasier: Roz. Roz, surely you realise what happened today at the retirement
home was an abhoration.
Roz: Well maybe so, but I wasn't comfortable being around old people
to begin with and this certainly hasn't helped matters.
Frasier: Now Roz. Listen. If you're ever going to conquer your fear of
aging you've got to get back down there and spend some time with
these people. You'll learn that they're really vital human beings.
Roz: Well I'm still not convinced.
Frasier: All right then, think of it this way. There's been a lot of fog
on the interstate lately and the caribou are migrating.
Scene Four: Retirement home. Roz is reading a story.
Roz: .."As the train whistle screamed, and we started out of the station,
I lowered the window and said: 'I'll be back'. But somehow I knew
I would never see her or Paris again". The end. That was a pretty
good book, wasn't it Mr Gouldenstein? (pats his hand) Mr Goulden-
stein, you feeling a little cold? Can I make you a nice hot cup
of.. (realises) OH MY GOD!! (runs out of room)
Roz's Krantz And
Gouldenstein Are Dead
Scene Five: Frasier's apartment. Eddie is doing tricks to amuse Martin
and Daphne.
Martin: Come on boy, you can do it. (Eddie stands on his hind legs and
twirls. The doorbell bing-bongs. Daphne goes to answer it as
Frasier enters from bedroom.)Hey-hey, Fraise. Look at that, he's
dancin'. He's practically doing a polka.
Frasier: Oh good. That should up his price when I sell him to the carnival.
Daphne: (opening the door to Niles) Hello.
Niles: Hello, Daphne.
Martin: Back from the big wedding in the woods, huh?
Daphne: Yes, and don't you look nice. Except, what's this sticky stuff
all over your shoulder here?
Frasier: Did you finally find a date?
Niles: I asked Maris.
Daphne: (examining goo) Sap.
Frasier: I think Daphne speaks for us all. Just how the hell did this happen?
Niles: Well, I was desperate for a date, and I, I knew Maris would be
lonely this time of year. It's cruise season, she never partakes.
She has an absolute terror of buffets.
Frasier: Oh yes. Legendary smorgaphobia.
Martin: So how did it go? Or should I say, how big a scene did she make?
Niles: Actually she did quite well. She willingly joined in the ceremonial
chanting. When the shaman invited those so inclined to embrace
their favourite tree, Maris said the only tree she was willing
to embrace was her family tree. Everyone laughed.. Well, I laughed.
Then it happened. They called for a group hug.
Frasier: Oh dear.
Niles: Last time I saw her, she was racing towards her mercedes, emitting
a high pitched shriek, that caused the wedding doves to attack
one another. (the doorbell bing-bongs) See if I can't find some-
thing to remove this sap. (goes to bedroom)
Frasier opens door. It's Roz.
Roz: Another one died.
Frasier: What? What happened?
Martin: What's she talkin' about?
Frasier: Oh. Dad, Roz has been doing some community service down at a
retirement home. Apparently, for the second time this week, one
of her charges has died.
Martin: Ohh.
Roz: They're calling me 'The Angel Of Death' now.
Frasier: Well as you know, this isn't your fault.
Roz: Maybe it is. I've never been good with plants or animals. Every-
thing's always died on me.
Frasier: You have a cat. (at Roz's look he realises) Ohh. I'm so sorry.
Daphne: Roz, death is an occupational hazard of working with older people.
Trust me. I've lost more patients than I'd like to count.
Martin: You've never said anything about that to me.
Daphne: Didn't I? (to Roz) Anyway, you just sit there, and I'll go make
you a nice cup of tea. (heads towards kitchen, followed by Martin)
Martin: Hey, wait. How many patients did you lose?
Daphne: Well I don't know. I used to keep a tally in my diary, but it made
me a bit sad.
Martin: Was it more than five? (they go into kitchen)
Frasier: Now listen, Roz. There's no way that you can feel guilty about
this. I mean those men were going to die anyway. If anything,
you gave them some much welcomed companionship in their final
moments.
Roz: It just seems so unfair. (Niles returns at this point) One minute
he's lying in the bed, smiling and happy - ten seconds later it's
over.
Niles: Heavens sake. It happens to every man a couple of times in his
life. Why can't you women take it as a compliment? (Goes to kitchen)
End Of Act One (Time: xx:xx)
Noses Off
Act Two
Scene One: The retirement home, corridor. Frasier has a firm grip on Roz.
Roz: Look, I appreciate you coming down here with me, but I don't think
I can make it.
Frasier: Roz, we have discussed this. This is going to be your breakthrough
day.
Roz: They hate me here!
Frasier: You're just over-reacting, there is no way they think you're the
Angel of Death.
Two of the residents turn a corner, see Roz and do a quick about
turn.
Roz: I'm leaving.
Frasier: No. Roz, this is not like you. The Roz I know is not a quitter,
she's a fighter.
Roz: I just can't help thinking it's going to happen again. They always
die in threes.
Frasier: Oh come, that's just celebrities. C'mon.
Cut to Moira's room. The door opens and Roz is pushed in.
Roz: Hi. I'm Roz.
Moira: I'm Moira. Come in.
Roz: How you feeling today?
Moira: Fine.
Roz: Really? Do you feel okay?
Moira: Yes. Now do me a favour and hand me those cigarettes.
Roz: You know, these things do come with a warning.
Moira: So do you, darling. I let you in.
Cut to corridor. Frasier is sitting, waiting for Roz.
Frasier: (to passing residents) Good Afternoon. How do you doing?
A voice calls from an open door.
Norman: Is that Dr Crane?
Frasier: Yes.
Norman: Dr Frasier Crane?
Frasier: (going into room) Yes. Have we met?
Norman: No, but I thought that was you. I recognised your voice from the
radio. I listen to your programme all the time. Norman Webster.
(he holds out his hand. Frasier realises that Norman is blind)
Frasier: (shaking hands) Well ah, it's my pleasure.
Norman: Are you here visiting somebody?
Frasier: Oh no. I'm just here with a friend of mine, Roz. She's here doing
some community service.
Norman: Ah, the Angel of Death, nice girl. Y'know, I remember one day,
I was listening to your programme, and ah, it was right after
my wife died and I was going through kind of a rough patch. you
told this guy who was going through the same thing that he should
keep pictures of his wife around to help with the transition.
That was a good idea.
Frasier: So you started keeping pictures of her?
Norman: That wouldn't make much sense now, would it?
Frasier: Well no. Well, what did you do?
Norman: Well I remembered when we were dating, Helen made this life mask
of herself for art class, and I had my daughter dig through the
attic, and lo and behold, (picks up porcelain mask) she found
it. This is the way she looked when we met. Isn't she beautiful?
Frasier: Oh yes.
Norman: So you were right. Every night, before I fall asleep, I run my
fingers over Helen's beautiful face, and it takes me back to all
those wonderful years we had together. It made a world of difference.
(carefully places mask on table) I want to thank you. You really
helped me.
Frasier: You've no idea how nice it is to hear that.
Norman's beeper goes off.
Norman: Would you excuse me? It's time for me to take one of my many pills.
Make yourself at home. (goes into bathroom)
Frasier: Thank you.
Frasier picks up the mask and admires it. He then closes his eyes
and runs his fingers over it. In the process, he manages to drop
it. We hear it smashing.
Norman: (from bathroom) What was that?
Frasier: Nothing! Nothing ahh, I just knocked your ashtray over.
Norman: (re-entering room) I hope it wasn't damaged. My grandson made
that for me at summer camp.
Frasier: Oh no, it's intact. Not the tiniest chip. (picks up mask. The
nose is missing)
Norman: Set it back on the table. You know how attached you get to family
things. Do you have children, Dr Crane?
Frasier: (on his knees, looking for the missing nose) Yes.
Norman: Dr Crane, are you on the floor?
Frasier: I was just ah, tying my shoelace. Yes, yes I have a son. I'd much
rather hear about your family. (searches under bed)
Norman: Well I have four sons and one daughter. You wouldn't happen to
be single now, by any chance Dr Crane?
Frasier: (resurfacing long enough to say) As a matter of fact, I am.
Norman: So's my daughter. I'll tell you about her first. She's a sweet
thing. Beautiful too. Just like her mother. (Frasier finds the
missing piece, gets up) Same cheekbones, same nose.
Frasier: (Frasier looks at the nose in his hand) What a lovely nose it
is.
Cut to Moira's room. She is telling a story. Roz is engrossed.
Moira: ...so there are four of us in the raft. And I see we're heading
into a patch of white water. Suddenly, we slam into a rock, and
the next thing I know my teeth are flying into the Colorado river.
I damn near dived in after them. Those teeth cost more than the
whole trip.
Roz: You've had quite a life.
Moira: I suppose. Never got arrested though. Good for you.
Roz: It wasn't so great. Y'know, it was the first time I ever got pulled
over and couldn't flirt my way past it.
Moira: Oh, that's almost as bad as the first time somebody calls you
Ma'am.
Roz: That happened the other day. It's been kind of a rough week.
Moira: I bet I know just what you're thinking. This is only the beginning.
It's only gonna get worse from here.
Roz: Well, yeah.
Moira: I'm eighty-one now. And every morning, I open my eyes and I see
the sun streaming through the window. I hear the birds chirping,
I smell the coffee brewing down the hall, and I walk into the bath-
room and I look into the mirror. And do you know what I say to
myself?
Roz: (almost mesmerised) What?
Moira: AARGHHH!
Roz: (shocked) What the hell is that?!
Moira: That's the second thing I say! the point is, it is only gonna
get worse from where you are right now. Well what did you want
me to say? Life gets better with every passing year? You want
to hear that, you go talk to Mrs Adleman. You can't miss her.
She's the one in the TV room with the inflatable seahorse around
her waist.
Roz: Well you'e not making me feel any better, Moira.
Moira: It's 'coz I can't. Nobody likes to get older. But it doesn't mean
you can't enjoy yourself. I'll tell you a funny story. Last Thurs-
day, I hacked into the main computer here and changed the schedule.
So now, I get all my sponge-baths from Edwardo.
Roz: You're kidding me.
Moira: Look, you're way too young to be concerned about all this, don't
waste the best years of your life worrying about something you
can't control.
Roz: I know. I know you're right. Y'know, I wouldn't care about getting
older if I thought my mind was gonna be as sharp as yours is.
Moira: I'll tell you a funny story. Last Thursday, I hacked into the
main computer here and changed the schedule. And now, I get all
my sponge-baths from Edwardo.
Cut to Norman's room. Frasier is searching the room for some glue. The
broken mask is lying on the bed.
Norman: The exception of not being able to watch Willie Mays steal second,
or Michael Jordan on a breakaway dunk, not a whole lot a feel I
missed out on.
Frasier: (looking through a chest of drawers, quietly) Aha, ah. Listen,
you got any glue around here?
Norman: I don't think so. Why?
Frasier: Ah, the onyx has popped out of my cufflink and ahh.. I was just
hoping I might be able to re-affix it.
Norman: The closest thing I have is denture adhesive, it's on the dresser.
Frasier: Oh good, good. It's worth a try. (starts putting adhesive on the
mask)
Norman: These pills may keep me alive, but they sure don't keep me awake.
You find it? (goes over to bed)
Frasier: Yes. Yes, y'know I think this just might do the trick. (reaches
for the nose, but too late. Norman sits on it)
Norman: Y'know the worst part about all this is that I used to be the kind
of person that never got tired.
Frasier: (trying to get Norman to stand) Y'know, perhaps we should take
a brisk walk. Get that old circulation going!
Norman: No, that's okay. It's close to my bedtime anyway.
Frasier creeps over to the door, knocks on it and rushes back.
Frasier: Seems like you have a visitor, Norman.
Norman: (without getting up) Come in... Come in.. Probably Mrs Adleman.
She was an Avon lady before she lost her mind.
Frasier: Y'know, my goodness, that is a smashing robe. Y'know, I'm in the
market for one like it myself. Why don't you stand up, maybe I
can read the label.
Norman: (bending over) Come over here and have a look. I seem to
be sitting on something. (stands up)
Frasier: Ooh! My cufflink! (Frasier grabs the nose and re-affixes it) All
right, y'know I'll just ahh, place it back in here carefully and
ah, ha. Well, there we go. Good as new. Yes well ah, Norman, I
can't tell you what a nice time it's been, spending the day with
you.
Norman: It was nice of you to drop by.
Frasier: (going to the bedtable, to put mask back) My pleasure.
Norman: Oh, you're over there?
Frasier: Oh yeah, I was just having one last look at Helen.
Norman: Isn't she beautiful? Such delicate features.
Frasier: (with feeling) They certainly are. Well Norman, it was a real
pleasure. I hope you keep listening to my show.
Norman: I sure will. You're a good man. Not a lot of people left with
your kind of integrity.
Frasier leaves. Out in the corridor, his conscience bites. He
re-enters.
Frasier: Norman, ah.. I have a little confession to make. I didn't.. I
didn't drop your ashtray, I dropped the mask. The nose broke off.
I feel just terrible.
Norman: Well that's why you needed my denture adhesive?
Frasier: Yes.
Norman: Usually, it works pretty well. I must have dropped that mask ten
times.. I am blind, you know.
Frasier: Well, certainly is a relief to hear that. Well, y'know I better
get out of here before I do any further damage. It was great
meeting you. Would you like me to leave the light on or off?
Norman: Surprise me.
End of Act Two. (Time: xx:xx)
Credits:
Roz is reading a book to Moira when Edwardo comes in with a large
sponge. She hovers by him until Moira shoos her away.
Guests
Norman James Earl Jones
Moira Lois Smith
Chet Eric Roberts
Legal Stuff
This episode capsule is copyright 2000 by Nick Hartley & John Masson.
This episode summary remains property of Frasier, Copyright
of Paramount Productions and NBC. Printed without permission.
