To Kill A Talking Bird Written by Jeffrey Richman
Directed by David Lee
=====================================================================
Production Code: 4.14.
Original Airdate on NBC: 25th February 1997.
Transcript written on 13th March 1999.
Quotes and Scene Summary {nicholas hartley}
Act One. In Frasier's living room, Daphne and Martin are sitting
watching television. Daphne notices something.
Daphne: Oh dear, your chair's got another big rip in the bottom.
Martin: [looks] Where? [spots it] Oh, hand me my reupholstry kit
would you? [she slings him some masking tape and he patches
it up. Frasier enters from his bedroom] Thanks.
Daphne: Oh, Dr. Crane, don't you look smart.
Frasier: Well, I don't feel smart. That Roz set me up another one of
her blind dates.
Daphne: Who's the lucky woman?
Frasier: Oh, a friend from her areobics class. Oh, perhaps it won't
be so bad. She's thirty-two, [smugly] has a terrific body
and probably thinks I'm God's gift to broadcasting.
Martin: Well, at least you have one thing in common.
Frasier: [points to chair:] Dad, when are you going to stop blinding
the environment of this monstrosity? [doorbell] My God,
can't you see that it wants to die.
Martin: You know I keep having this dream where you're saying the
same words. Only I'm in a hospital and you're slipping the
nurse and twenty.
Frasier: Dad, that will never happen.
Martin: Thank you.
Frasier: With the medical power of an atorrney, it won't cost me a
thing. [answers door to Niles and his Maris-like dog]
Niles: Hello Frasier, we were in the neighbourhood for a pedicure
and a seaweed wrap and we thought we stop by. Of course, the
pedicure was for..
Martin: [interrupting:] Stop right there! There's no way to finish
that sentance that'll make me proud.
Niles: I have some wonderful news. I just signed a lease for an
apartment in one of the most exclusive buildings in Seattle.
Frasier: You don't me?
Niles: I do. As of next week, I'll be a resident of the Montana.
Frasier: Niles, what makes you want to live in such a starry
building? When I applied there they treated me as if I was
rif-raf.
Niles: If you're going to ask and answer my questions, what do you
need me for? The best part is, I'll never have to give my
address again. From now on, I'll simply be "Dr. Niles Crane,
The Montana".
Daphne: That's a lovely building. I've only been there once,
applying for a job.
Niles: I can't imagine anyone turning down a chance to hire you.
Daphne: I hope you're right, I haven't heard yet. Goodnight.[leaves
to bedroom. Niles and Martin look dumbfounded]
Martin: Hey, Frasier, you don't..
Frasier: Just relax dad. It's her way of angling for more vacation
time.
Martin: What if she isn't?
Frasier: Well, they'll still have to call me for a reference. Either
way, she's not going anywhere.
Niles: [forcing his dog into Martin's face] That's uncanny dad?
Martin: What is?
Niles: The way she's taken with you. She's absolutely mesmorised.
Martin: She is not.
Niles: Oh, she is. She's just playing hard to get. Go to grampa.
Isn't she warm and cuddly? Oh, I'm going to see I'll have a
tough time tearing you two apart!
Frasier: You know, I'm going to go out on a limb here, Montana
doesn't accept pets does it?
Niles: On the contary, they welcome them. Just... not cats or dogs.
Martin: Well, then you're in look. Because I don't know what the
hell this thing is!
Frasier: There's no way that dog is moving in here with us!
Niles: Oh please, at least if she's here I'll be able to come and
visit her, I cannot turn her over to strangers. She worships
me.
Frasier: Oh pha-lease, you must realise that dog has no genuine
affection for you. You only pretend that she does because
she's a canine substitute for Maris!
Niles: That is the most obsurd psycho-babble I have ever heard.
Frasier: She is highly strung, cold to the touch and ignores you. My
God, stand her up right, take ten pounds of her, put her in
a Chanel suit, what-ch-ya got?
Niles: I'm sorry that's ridiculous.
Frasier: Oh is it really. Do you remember that little pilbox hat
Maris wore to the the Charif's wedding?
Niles: Absolutely.
Frasier puts a small white dish on the side of the dog's head and
Niles falls to the couch in surprise.
JUST CALL ME STINKY
The next day, Frasier is in his booth and Roz asks him about the
date.
Roz: Hi Frasier, so how did it go with Rhea last night?
Frasier: She didn't quite take to me.
Roz: Oh, you're just being hard on yourself like you always
are.
Frasier: You tell me. Over appertises, she suddenly realises that
she had a very early morning meeting. She suggested we
skip the chess club after dinner.
Roz: People have meetings.
Frasier: Hmm? When the waiter suggested that a Souflaé for desert
would take an extra thirty minutes, she said "Oh Dear God,
no!"
Roz: She was probably on a diet.
Frasier: When I dropped her off at home, I noticed she had left her
suade jacked in my car. I called to offer to swing it by
and she said, and I quote, "Just keep it".
Roz: What did you do to her?
Frasier: Stop it! God Roz, I have had it. In the past six months I
have done everything a man could possibly do to meet a
woman. Singles bar, blind dates, lecture series' at the
museum. I've even spent hours in the grocercy store trying
to look helpless in the grocery department. That's it I'm
taking myself off the market, Frasier Crane has thumped
his last melon.
Roz: You know Frasier...
Frasier: Roz, Roz, please. I know what you're going to say. I
should climb back on that horse, I'm too great a catch to
give up now.
Roz: No, I think you should give up.
Frasier: [startled:] What? I don't really want to give up. I don't
really want to give up I was just saying that to get your
sympathy.
Roz: It happens some time. When you get into a really bad
streak, you start to get desperate. Women can smell it.
Frasier: Smell it?
Roz: Hmm. As soon as the man begins to get over eager, you know
like complimenting you too much, or laughing too hard at
all your jokes, you just want to turn and run!
Frasier: I don't do that!
Roz: Oh honey, wake up and smell, well yourself! You just have
to air it out a little bit, and in my experience the
minute you stop looking the perfect person falls right in
your lap.
Frasier: Well Roz, as much as I appreciate you comparing me to a
dead squirrel in a heating duct, I think you're wrong.
Christine: [enters] Hey Roz.
Roz: Hey.
Christine: I got those pictures you were looking for. Hey Dr. Crane.
Frasier: Hey, you look really lovely today Christine. It is
Christine isn't it?
Christine: That's what it says on my drivers licence.
Frasier: [laughs hard] Very charming. [Roz and Christine leave] Oh,
I wreak don't I!
Meanwhile, Niles is completing the tour of his new stylish apartment
with Daphne and Martin. They end up on the balcony over looking the
main room.
Niles: ...inlay of Phillipian mahogany. And we conclude our little
tour back here in the living room.
Daphne: It's very posh. [doorbell]
Martin: Niles, why a bed in the living room?
Niles: That's not a bed dad, it's an antique fainting couch.
Daphne: My goodness, they had furniture for everything back then
didn't they!
Niles answers the door to Frasier.
Niles: Ah, I'm glad you made it.
Frasier: You know Niles, this precious little building of yours isn't
as exclusive as you think. Your doorman waved me right
through.
Niles: Oh, that's because he knows you.
Frasier: Oh, fan of my show.
Niles: No, he lives in your building.
Martin: So Niles, what did you do about the dog?
Niles: Oh I found a wonderful family to adopt her.
Daphne: Well I'm sure it won't take you long to adjust to being
alone again.
Niles: Well, actually I won't have to. Follow me, their's someone
I'd like you to meet. It was love at first sight. She's very
exotic, only eats every other day, and she's so white she's
almost blue!
Martin: I'm getting nervous. That's what he said just before he
introduced us to Maris.
The gang enter Niles' kitchen, where a cockatou is perched on his
shoulder.
Niles: Everybody, meet "Baby".
Baby: I love you.
Frasier: You bought a bird?
Niles: Well, I started to think how quiet it would be around here
and she is lovely and she is so affectionate.
Baby: I love you.
Niles: Ah! She says that all the time. I love you too, baby.
Baby: I love you grandma.
Niles: She's still in transition from her last owner.
The doorbell sounds and Baby digs her claws into Niles' shoulder.
Niles: You don't like that noise do you baby! Go to your food. [she
does] Oh good girl. Excuse me.
Daphne: Oh you know, I've always been fascinated by these birds,
they can actually learn how to talk.
Martin: [walks to Baby] They can't talk, they just a drill a few
words into them at the pet shop and they never learn
anything else after that.
Frasier: It is attractive though.
Martin: No, that's the way they are. Cute but stupid.
Baby: Cute but stupid.
Frasier: You know Daphne, I think we should leave these two alone. I
sense a real battle of wits shaping up.
Martin carrys on eyeing the bird. Frasier enters the living room as
Niles shuts the door with mail in hand.
Niles: Well, I'm off to an ospicuous start in the building. One of
my neighbours got my mail by mistake. Look at those bills,
what must she think of me.
Frasier: But Niles, everyone gets bills.
Niles: Not at the Montana, they all have people. Their bills go to
their people, I want them to think I have people too. I used
to have people... only they were Maris' people.
Frasier: Niles, if you keep this up you'll have the people who don't
care you don't have people.
Niles: It just shows how essential it is to make a good impression
when moving into a new building, which is why I'm throwing a
dinner party Friday night for a few selected residents. I'll
show them such a good time there'll be no question that I
belong here.
Frasier: Am I invited?
Niles: Yes you are, but I'm afraid you can't bring a date. You know
how I hate a crowded table.
Frasier: Alright, I've taken myself off the dating circuit. Afraid I
was getting a bit desperate.
Niles: Well, I was a bit concerned when you called to ask if Gloria
was our first or second cousin.
Martin: [enters] Hey Niles you gotta see this, your birds eating
peanut butter. It's even funnier than when Eddie does it!
Niles: [doorbell] Frasier would you get that... and pretend you're
my people.
Niles rushes into the kitchen to stop Martin whilst Frasier answers
the door to a woman; Stephanie Garret.
Stephanie: Oh, I'm sorry, I was looking for Dr. Crane. I found some
more of his mail.
Frasier: Well, I'm a Dr. Crane. I'm Niles' brother.
Stephanie: Oh my gosh, you're Frasier Crane from the radio, aren't
you. Oh, I love your show.
Frasier: Thankyou.
Stephanie: Oh, Stephanie Garret.
Frasier: [shakes hands] Stephanie.
Stephanie: You know em, you are not going to believe this but when I
was a fresh man at Harvard, I saw you perform the pirate
king in a production of "Pirates Of Penzance".
Frasier: Oh my God.
Stephanie: No, no, you were great. You were so good, I brought my
husband back to see you the next night. Well, he wasn't my
husband then. Well actually he's not my husband now.
Frasier: Glad to hear that. No, glad to hear you came for a second
time, not that you have an ex-husband. You know I have one
too. Not a husband, ex-wife. I mean a woman. Is it
getting hot in here?
Stephanie: Yeah a bit, well it was nice to meet you.
Frasier: Wait, you know Niles is having a little party on Friday
for some of his enchanting new neighbours [Niles appears
listning in], is there any chance you could join us.
Stephanie: Yes, I think I could, if Niles has room.
Niles: [faked:] The more the merrier!
Stephanie: I'll look forward to it. [leaves]
Frasier: As will I. [to Niles:] Roz was right. As soon as I stop
looking for the perfect woman, she falls right in my lap.
Niles: Well I hope you'll be comftable with that arrangement
because that's where she'll be seated Friday night.
End Of Act One (Time: 10:20)
GET A GRIP
Act Two. In his apartment, Niles is setting the table with Baby on
his shoulder.
Niles: Bon Appetite. Bon Appetite. Now, you try it Baby. Bon
Appetite.
Baby: Bon Appetite.
Niles: What a quick little study you are. Bird-brained indeed! You
already know more French than my father.
The doorbell sounds, making Baby dig her claws into him.
Niles: Ow! Boy, if you don't get used to that doorbell we're going
to have to give you a serious manicure. [doorbell sounds and
she again digs in] Ow, I'm coming, I'm coming. Stop ringing.
Frasier: [enters] Oh, good evening Niles, or should I say avest ye
matey!
Niles: I don't have time for your matinage, I'm only just putting
out my place cards.
Frasier: [picks up card] Place cards, how eligant. Who is Peter
Soutendeck?
Niles: He's on your right, an investment banker from Amsterdam,
he's handled a lot of Bill Gates money. So, don't say
anything derogatory about the Netherlands or Microsoft.
Frasier: Oh Damn! There goes my opening joke about the Dutch man
who's trying to install Windows '95. [looks] Stephanie's
over here, I'm not sitting next to her.
Niles: I know, you see, peter's bringing a date so I thought it
would be better.. [spots Frasier rearranging:] What are you
doing?
Frasier: Putting Stephanie next to me!
Niles: And throwing off my whole seating arrangement?
Frasier: Niles, surely you realise I've spent a long time looking for
a woman like Stephanie.
Niles: Yeah.
Frasier: Now, listen. I'm afraid if you want to impress these people
you've got to get a little more atmosphere here in the room.
You know, I'll light the fire while you dim the lights a
bit.
Niles: [runs to lights] Oh, that's a good idea. By the way
becareful with that fireplace, it can be a bit...
It's too late and Frasier causes a sharp noise with a large flame,
which shrinks immediately. But frightened, Baby moves to Niles head.
Niles: Holding on a bit tight there Baby aren't you. Go to your
perch. Go to your perch. [Baby doesn't move] Frasier, this
bird's holding onto my scalp. [tries to move it but it won't
budge] I can't pull it off.
Frasier: Niles, that gaunt Beree you wore to brunch last Sunday, you
can pull anything off.
Niles and Frasier attempt to pull it off. Frasier begins pulling
sharply which only causes distress for Niles.
Niles: Get the lighter. Put fire near my head. Fire will frighten it
off. Try that.
Frasier tries this but Baby simply digs in deeper.
Frasier: Oh here, the phone.
He hands the phone to Niles who holds it next to his head and tries
to get the bird to perch on the aerial. Frasier is surprised.
Frasier: Niles, call for help!
Niles: And who do you suggest we call, a Fez rental. Go on Baby, go
to your perch. [panicking:] Go to your food, go to your bed!
Frasier: Niles, don't panic! Try to stay calm.
Niles: How can I stay calm? I have six dinner guests arriving in
exactly..
The doorbell sounds making Baby dig in even deeper.
Niles: Ah, ow!
Frasier: You go call the vet and I'll go and take care of things out
here.
Niles rushes to the kitchen whilst Frasier answers the door to
Stephanie.
Frasier: Oh hello.
Stephanie: Hello.
Frasier: Please come in.
Stephanie: [looking around] I'm not early am I?
Frasier: No, not at all. May I get you a drink?
Stephanie: Ah, yes. A white wine please. [they head to the wine desk
where Frasier pours.] What a lovely table! [points to
dining area]
Frasier: Yes, I notice we happen to be sitting next to one another.
Stephanie: Good, now I won't have to change the place cards around.
Frasier: Well, [lifts glass] To the girl next door.
Stephanie: Well actually it's a little further down the hall.
Frasier: Well, if you need a ride home tonight don't hesitate to
ask.
The doorbell sounds creating painful noises from the kitchen.
Stephanie: What was that?
Frasier: Oh, I'm afraid Niles probably burned himself on something.
Don't worry he'll be fine. [answers door to guests] Hello,
please do come in, I'm Frasier Crane, Niles' brother.
Carol: I'm Carol Larkin, my husband Alfred, this is our neice,
Wella.
Frasier: Nice to meet you. Please make yourself comftable, I'm just
going to run into the kitchen and check on the bird.
Frasier enters the kitchen where Niles is on the phone to the vet.
Imagine the sight.
Niles: [on phone:] Ha ha, ha ha, so you seen this thing before. I
see. Alright, well, thankyou.
Frasier: What did he say?
Niles: Well he thinks she was traumatised by the fire and she had a
shop. He said we shouldn't try to force her off, we need to
relax her.
Frasier: Fine, you take care of that, I've got the future Mrs. Crane
out there in the other room.
Niles: Well wait, wait, wait, wait, how am I supposed to relax this
bird?
Frasier: I don't know. Oh, try delievering that key note you gave at
the psychiatric association last spring.
Frasier enters the room again where all are sitting.
Frasier: Everything alright out here.
Alfred: Will Dr. Crane be joining us soon?
Frasier: Oh yes, I believe so, any minute now.
The doorbell sounds again, which causes more audible distress for
Niles.
Carol: Oh dear, something wrong?
Frasier: I keep telling him get yourself a decent oven mit, but you
know... [answers door to Peter] Hello, please come in. I'm
Frasier, Niles' brother.
Peter: Peter Southendeck, nice to meet you. This is Elanie Hensley.
[she walks in]
Elaine: Actually your brother and I are well aquainted. Maris is a
dear, dear friend of mine.
Frasier: Really?
Elaine: Yes, [looks] so where is he?
Frasier: He's in the kitchen, savouring for you tonight lovely
phesant.
We hear bird squawks from the kitchen.
Frasier: As you know he's a stickler for freshness!
Frasier runs to the kitchen where Niles is standing with Baby still
on his head, but with a towel over her. Try and imagine the sight.
Frasier: Oh what now?
Niles: I'm trying to pretend like it's night so it'll fall asleep.
Frasier: Well you look very cute.
Baby: Cute but stupid!
Frasier: Listen Niles, I really can't stall them any longer they're
starting to ask questions. The Dutchman's date even knows
Maris.
Niles: What? What's her name?
Frasier: Elaine somebody.
Niles: Which Elaine? Maris knows three Elaines.
Frasier: I don't know, she's very thin, she's exquistively dressed,
dripping with attitude.
Niles: Oh right, [sarcastic:] that narrows it down!
Frasier and Niles pop their head round the door spying on Elaine
taking a sip from her drink. They go back to the kitchen.
Niles: I was afraid of that, it's the bad Elaine. Maris' oldest
friend, nothing would delight her more than report back to
Maris that I threw a swarey with a cockatou on my head!
Baby: Bon Appetite!
The guests in the main room here Baby's first French word.
Elaine: What was that?
Frasier: [entering with crab puffs and covering up:] Bon Appetite!
Crab puff anyone? Bon Appetite!
Later on, Frasier is acting like host, telling the guests a joke.
Frasier: At which point, the woman said to Churchill; "Sir, if you
were my husband I would put poison in your coffee." To which
Churchill sorely replied; "Madame, if you were my wife I'd
drink it!" [laughs on his own] Perhaps you've heard that
story.
Alfred: Yes, from Churchill.
Frasier: Well, can I freshen anyone's drink.
Everybody holds up their empty wine glasses.
Frasier: Prehaps I'll just bring the bottle around.
Stephanie: I didn't realise that you were going to play host all
night, I mean we've hardly had a chance to talk, and I'm
afraid I'm going to have to make it an early night. Yes,
I'm leaving to Paris first thing in the morning and I was
really hoping that we could spend some time alone.
Frasier: And so we shall. As of this moment, it's just the two of
us, you'll get my complete attention.. [sees Elaine
walking to kitchen and he runs to block her] ..just after
this. Oh Elaine, would you like a fill up?
Elaine: Well actually I was seeing what Niles is up to in there,
perhaps I can be of some help.
Frasier: Well you know you could pour the wine..
Niles pulls Frasier into the kitchen, he still has the towel over
his head.
Frasier: You are totally runing my chances with Stephanie!
Niles: [sarcastic:] Yes, that was my first concern too. Toss.
[Frasier begins tossing salad] You can't abandon me just
because you're hoping she is just as horny as you are.
Frasier: The first thing you've got to do is go to the vet and have
that thing removed!
Niles: Oh are you mad, I can't walk through there with this thing
on my head, I'd be the laughing stock of the "Montana".
Frasier: You can't spend the night in the kitchen!
Niles: Frasier, these people live for gossip. I've only been here
three days and I already know that Peter's a letch and
Carol's a lush. What do think they'd say about me.
Frasier: You know I've spent the last forty-five minutes with these
people. I think they are kind and understanding, I think
they'll be very sympathetic with your problem.
Niles: Really?
Frasier: Yes.
Niles: Don't think they'll laugh at me?
Frasier: No I don't. And further more, if you stay in here they'll
think you're rude, bad mannered and dare I say it a bad
host.
Niles: Fine, I'll go out there. But if they ridicule me let it be
on your head! Open the door.
Frasier enters the living room, telling them the news.
Frasier: Excuse me, Niles has had a little mishap, he will have to go
to the doctor. It's nothing serious, he just has to have
something removed. Niles!
Niles enters with Baby on his head but without the towel.
Frasier: You see, his bird suffered a kind of traum and has attached
itself to the scalp and we just...
Niles: Frasier, Frasier, this isn't necessary. Good evening
everyone, I'm terribly sorry for all this.
Elaine: [sympathetically:] Oh Niles, you mean all this time you've
been hiding in there because of your bird? Oh you poor
thing.
Peter: You know the same thing happened to my mother once, only
with her cat. Now that was a sight!
Carol: Who hasn't had an embrassing moment at a party? [drunk she
spills wine all over her and laughs] Look I just spilled
wine on my dress.
Niles: That's such a relief, I must say I feel a bit silly for
staying in there for so long.
Alfred: Are you in any pain?
Niles: No, no, as long as no-one rings the doorbell I'm fine.
Niles makes signs of talons digging in which makes them laugh.
Frasier: Well you know you seem to relaxing a bit, maybe the bird
will relax, shall we give this another minute or two
everyone? [everyone agrees]
Niles: Alright then, you needs more wine. [he begins to pour
still with the bird on his head] Alfred, white for you.
And would anyone like some cheese or a cracker?
Baby: Squawk.
Niles: No, no, Baby, guests first! Oh Carol, that dress is
absolutely smashing!
Carol: Why thank you.
Baby: Carol's a lush.
Carol: Did the bird just say something?
Wella: It sounded like it said...
Baby: Carol's a lush.
Alfred: Where would a bird learn a phrase like that?
Niles: Birds today! You don't know where they pick these things
up! Well, shall we all join Peter at the table?
Baby: Peter's a letch.
Peter: What did that say?
Niles: I said "let's all sit down".
Baby: Peter's a letch.
Peter: Is this your idea of a joke?
Alfred: I've had quite enough of this. [they begin to leave]
Niles: Hang on Carol, don't go, I did not teach the bird these
phrases, I don't know where she picked them.
Frasier: Please.. you'll stay won't you Stephanie?
Baby: Stephanie's horny!
Stephanie: Oh my God, is that what you've been saying about me behind
my back?
Frasier: No, no I never said that about you, I said that about me!
I'm the horny one, all I said was you were very cute.
Baby: Cute but stupid!
Stephanie: [sarcastic:] Well thank you both for a wonderful evening!
Good evening!
Frasier: Stephanie, please let me explain.
Niles: I know we got off on the wrong foot but we are going to be
neighbours! [she rings the doorbell creating pain for him
and she leaves]
Frasier: [sarcastic:] Well thankyou very much!
Niles: Oh, please, I've lost far more than you did!
Frasier: Really? That was one of the most promising romantic
prospect I've had in years! What have you lost? The
respect of a parsh lush and a Dutch letch. Thanks for
learning that Baby!
Niles: Alright, I apologise.
Frasier: Thankyou. I suppose I could drive you to the vet now,
maybe we should take the service elevator?
Niles: Oh what's the point? I don't think my reputation can
suffer anymore than it already has.
Frasier: I wouldn't be so sure about that? Wearing a white bird
after labour day!
End of Act Two. (Time: 21:15)
Credits:
Niles, with no bird, is on the phone to the vet describing the
experience. The shot pans to Frasier sitting on the fainting couch
with the bird on his head, and a towel over the bird. He dips a
cracker in hs wine, and trys to feed it some. Baby won't eat it, so
he grumpily eats it himself.
Legal Stuff
This episode capsule is copyright 1999 by Nick Hartley. This
episode summary remains property of Frasier, Copyright of Paramount
Productions and NBC. Printed without permission.
