Four For The Seesaw Written by
Directed by
=====================================================================
Production Code: 4.13.
Episode Number In Production Order:
Filmed on:
Original Airdate on NBC:
Transcript written on 22nd July 2000
Transcript {nick hartley}
[Act One]
[Scene One - Radio Station.
Frasier is coming towards the end of his radio show]
Frasier: Well, listeners, flu season is upon us again. As is
customary, KACL is offering it's employees and their
families free flu shots. Now, in order to show the
importance of getting a flu shot, I am going to put aside my
life long fear of needles and be inocculated right here over
the air when we come back.
[Frasier presses a button as Martin and Daphne enter]
Martin: We've been sitting out here half an hour, I've got places to
go.
Frasier: Well, Dr. Claman is on his way, dad.
Roz: [enters booth] Frasier, are you afraid of needles?
Frasier: Oh, not really, no. I just say that to encourage people that
really are.
Roz: Well they can use the help. You know, those needles they use
are about this long [uses finger to show great length] and
if it hits a nerve when it's going into the muscle...
[Frasier squirms]
Daphne: Shots are perfectly harmless. You've got nothing to worry
about. Well, sure, you hear the occassional story about
somebody getting an air bubble in their vein or the needle
getting stuck in a bone and the tip breaking off - but
that's the exception.
Martin: Oh, that's it! We're out of here.
Daphne: Well, what about my flu shot? I always get a flu shot!
Martin: Well, you're not getting a flu shot today, you told me you'd
drop me off at McGinty's. Now, I told Duke I'd meet him at
five 'o clock sharp and he's pounce if I were not there on
time. He sits there with his bottom lip stuck out and eats
all of the Brazil nuts out of the bowl because he knows I
like them! So, come on, let's go.
[Martin drags Daphne out]
Frasier: Nice to know that men in bars still settle their disputes
the old fashioned way, isn't it.
[Dr. Claman enters. Roz is obviously taken back by him as usual]
Claman: Dr. Crane.
Frasier: Oh, Dr. Claman.
Claman: Sorry I'm late. My last patient was a bleeder.
Frasier: [worried] Oh...
Roz: Fifteen seconds.
Frasier: Where are my manners? [to Roz] Perhaps you should be
inocculated first.
Roz: I already had my shot. [seductively to Claman] But I could
sure use a check up! [to Frasier] You're on.
[Roz exits to her booth]
Frasier: [presses button] All right, folks, we're back. Em, joining
us for this last minute of our show is Dr. Morris Claman
who's going to give me my flu shot. Uh, but, you know,
what's the rush? Perhaps we'd be interested in finding out
what strains of flu you've isolated this year.
Claman: Primarily, Signaporian and Guatamalean, would you roll up
your sleeve, please.
Frasier: And how do you suppose they travelled here?
Claman: No idea. Roll up your sleeve.
Frasier: [rolling sleeve] Could it have been a careless tourist? A
baggage handeler? A tainted wok?
Roz: Dr. Crane, we're almost out of time. You do want to get that
shot, don't you?
Frasier: [no, no] Yes, yes.
Claman: Right, first I'm just gonna swab the area with a little
alcohol and then I'm going to give you the shot. [swabs it]
There, that's done.
Frasier: Really? Well, that didn't hurt at all. The newly immunisied
Dr. Frasier Crane signing off.
[Frasier presses a button as Dr. Claman takes a big needle from his
bag]
Claman: No, no, no, that was just the alcohol. This is the needle.
[Frasier turns round and comes face to face with it, letting out a
huge scream as Claman goes to inject him]
Designs
[Scene Two - Café Nervosa.
The Café is busy when Frasier and Roz enter to meet Niles]
Niles: Well, you're late. All the tables are taken.
Roz: No, uh-er, there's one right there. Dibs on that table.
Frasier: Roz, Niles was here first.
Roz: No, but I'm meeting someone, please guys.
Niles: Oh, who is it? Another one of your till-dawn-do-us-part
relationships?
Roz: No, twerp! It's a guy who I think really has a chance. I can
sense a lot of chemistry between us.
[Dr. Claman enters and greets them]
Frasier: Dear God! When did you two even get out of my sight?!
Roz: You blanked out for thirty seconds after he gave you the
shot!
[Roz and Claman go to a table]
Niles: No-one is budging, we're going to be here forever.
Frasier: Well, Niles, I suppose we could share a table. There's a
couple of seats available there.
[Frasier points out the window seat where two women are sat chatting]
Niles: Oh, good Lord, we can't sit with strange women.
Frasier: Why not? We married strange women!
Niles: [laughs] But really, I'm not in the mood.
Frasier: You know, just try to relax. It'll do you good to do
something spontaeneous for a change.
Niles: I just... I just... I wouldn't know what to say. And
besides, I'm a married man.
Frasier: Oh, Niles, please, when will you get rid of that tired old
excuse - your off again/off again relationship with Maris!
[Frasier and Niles go to the table]
Frasier: Hello, ladies, excuse me, would you mind terribly if we
joined you until another table opens us.
Laura: Oh, please do.
Frasier: Oh, thank you so much, that's very kind. I'm Frasier and...
[looks at Niles dusting his chair] and this gentleman
dusting for fingerprints is my brother, Niles. [Niles sits]
Laura: I'm Laura and this is Beth.
[They all greet each other]
Frasier: What do you two ladies do?
Beth: Er, you don't want to hear about it.
Niles: Why don't we?
Laura: It's just boring, to the guys anyway.
Beth: Their eyes just glaze over when the subject comes up.
Frasier: Oh, come on, come on, we're not your average bozos of the
street. Why don't you try us?
Laura: We design kitchens.
[The brothers gasp in awe]
Frasier: On the contrary, I'm always ready to debate the merits of
down draft cook tops and ceramic tile back splashes.
Laura: Woh! Whose little boy are you?
Niles: Yes just the mention of a double bowled stainless steel
stink with integral drain boards makes me hum like a sub
zero freezer!
Frasier: You know, I think the key to a good kitchen is comfort.
Beth: Well, that's a whole current trend. A living room feel in
the kitchen.
Niles: Except of course, with our father, who favours a kitchen
feel in the living room!
Beth: That's funny. You're very witty.
[Niles is embarrassed by her appraisals]
Niles: Thank you.
Frasier: Oh, look, Niles, a table has opened up.
Laura: Oh, no, no, don't; stay.
Beth: Yeah, this is fun.
Frasier: Well, yes, it is fun, isn't it, Niles?
Niles: I told you it would be.
Frasier: Well, I'll go get us some coffees.
[Frasier goes to the counter]
Niles: You know I... I...
[Niles trails off looking at Beth, seductively nibbling on her
biscotti]
Niles: I... I'll help.
[Niles goes to Frasier]
Frasier: I knew you'd panic!
Niles: Well, I'm sorry, this is still a little new for me and
besides, those two are coming on to us.
Frasier: You know, they are very attractive, Niles. Maybe we should
ask them out?
Niles: On a date? We just met.
Frasier: Good point, Niles! Perhaps we should go out with them a few
more times before we ask them on a date!
Niles: I just mean it seems a little rash.
Frasier: Well, that's exactly why we should do it. [picks up coffees]
We're being spontaeneous today. Come on.
Niles: Well, I am enjoying this... er, all right, I'll do. Oh, oh,
wait. We're making an assumption here. We could both we
interested in the same woman.
Frasier: Good Lord, I hadn't thought of that.
Niles: All right, I'll declare. I'm interested in Beth.
Frasier: Good! Good, we really dodged the bullet there. [pause] Which
one's Beth?: Oh, it's this one here.
Frasier: Great!
[Frasier and Niles go to the table]
[Scene Three - Frasier's Apartment.
Beth & Niles and Frasier & Laura enter the apartment]
Frasier: Here we are.
Laura: Oh, Frasier, what a great apartment.
Frasier: Well, it's just a litte something a threw together. You
know, an object here, an antique there.
Beth: [notices Martin's chair] And there's the chair. Wow, he
wasn't kidding!
Martin: [enters] Oh, hi.
Frasier: Dad.
Niles: Dad. Meet Beth Armstrong and Laura Paris.
[They greet each other]
Martin: Please, have a seat, sit down. [they do] So, you've been out
on a double date, huh?
Beth: Well, sort of. We met this afternoon and the next thing we
knew, your sons were taking us out to dinner and then to the
Seattle Rep.
Martin: Oh, what did you see?
Laura: "The Man Who Came To Dinner"; It's about a bad tempered
invalid that moves into these people's house and just drives
them crazy.
Martin: Oh, comedy?
Frasier: [with brandy on trays] I used to think so!
Martin: Well, Mr. Smart Alec, as a matter of fact, I was just about
to do a favour for you. Sherry and I can't make it to the
mountains this weekend and the cabin's already paid for, so
I thought maybe you'd like to use it.
Frasier: Well, thank you, dad, but Laura and I have plans to go to
the symphony.
Martin: Oh, how about you, Niles?
Niles: Oh, Beth and I are attending an art opening.
Martin: Well, if you hear of anybody. Nice meeting you, ladies. I'm
really glad the boys brought you over and it's been a long
time since I said that and meant it!
[Martin exits to his room as they pick up their brandys]
Niles: Well, dad wasn't really thrilled with the women we married.
Frasier: Yes, fortunately my taste has improved a lot since then.
Laura: [suggestive] I think your taste is fabulous. [pause] I'm
referring to the brandy, of course.
Frasier: Hmm, velvety texture, great body; I'm not!
Niles: Well, in honour of what happened today - a toast to winging
it! What greater thrill is there than going down an unknown
path, not quite sure where it will lead, just enjoying the
way that path wends and what it looks like and where it goes
off to... er.....
Frasier: Perhaps you should have left a trail of breadcrumbs before
you started down that toast!
Laura: You know, Frasier, I hate to see you miss a weekend in the
country just to take me to the symphony, we can go next
week.
Frasier: Maybe that I have a thought, in the spirit of spontaenaity
has carried us this far - why don't we postpone our plans
are all go to the cabin together this weekend.
Laura: I'd love that.
Beth: Sounds like fun.
Frasier: Well, then, it's settled. Saturday morning we ride the high
country.
Niles: Say, you two have been here five minutes and you haven't
seen Frasier's kitchen yet.
Frasier: There's really nothing special about it.
Niles: Let's let the professionals judge that.
Laura: I am kind of curious to take a peek.
Niles: Well, peek away. And some day when you speak of his faux
granite counter tops, and you will, be kind.
Beth: You are so funny.
[Beth and Laura exit to the kitchen]
Frasier: What's going on?!
Niles: Well, things are going rather fast. Just going out this
evening was a big step but something that involves packing a
suitcase and given my situation, I can't...
Frasier: Niles! When you are going to stop letting Maris be an anchor
on your social life?
Niles: Oh, surely that is the most tortured metaphore you've ever
come up with; Maris and anchor?!
[They argue about this]
Frasier: If it was a lightsake... For God's sake, oh would you just
stop it, you're changing the subject! This afternoon, for
the first time in your life, a perfectly lovely woman, that
you don't even know, has agreed to go away with you on
weekend. Isn't that exactly the kind of scenario you've
always dreamed of?
Niles: [energetic] Yes.
Frasier: Then if you pass it up, won't you regret it?
Niles: [energetic] Yes.
Frasier: Well, then, for once, in your timid risk-free life, don't
you think it's time you grabbed that brass ring?
[The girls enter]
Laura: It's a great kitchen, Frasier. You guys feel like firing up
the cappuchino maker?
Niles: [very energetic - answering Frasier's question] Yes!!! [pause]
Of course, if I have that much caffine at this hour, it'll
probably be... [of Frasier's glance] Yes!!!
[End of Act One]
[Act Two]
Let's Vuitton With It
[Scene One - Cabin.
Frasier, Niles, Laura & Beth enter the cabin with their luggage]
Frasier: Ah, here we are.
Laura: Oh, this place is perfect.
Beth: Don't you just love this air, oh, I am going to sleep like a
baby.
Laura: Me too.
Frasier: I hope if you don't mind roughing it. There's no radio or
television.
Laura: I guess we'll just have to make our own entertainment!
Beth: We should be able to manage that. Come on, let's go look
around outside.
Niles: We'll start the fire and we'll be right out.
Beth: Okay.
[Beth and Laura exit]
Frasier: Well, I think things are going rather well, don't you?
Niles: Yes, they are and thank you for twisting my arm.
Frasier: Feel like a new man, do you?
Niles: I feel like a new woman and, thank God, I remembered to pack
one! Ah, you know, I just wish I were sure that Beth and I
were on the same page. Forgotten how to read all the
signals.
Frasier: Well, Niles, you don't need a decoder ring to understand the
phrase, "Make our own entertainment"!
[The boys laugh]
Frasier: Then again, there was that other statement about sleeping
like a baby.
Niles: Exactly. They could be thinking platonic. The two of them in
one room sleeping like babies.
Frasier: The two of us in another, crying like babies!
Niles: Well, we're all adults, I suppose we could just ask them
what they have in mind.
Frasier: That's the worst thing we could do. What if they're not
interested. They'll be embarrased and it'll ruin the entire
weekend.
Niles: Oh, I know! Their luggage will tell us! We'll put my bag in
with your date's and your bag in with my date's. They'll see
the mistake and by the way they correct it will tell us with
whom they're planning to spend the night. With each other or
us, and either way, it'll all look like a simple
misunderstanding.
Frasier: You've done this before!
Niles: Only on my honeymoon, now hurry!
[Frasier and Niles go about this operation]
Frasier: Niles, this is idiotic, we're both trained psychiatrists.
Niles: Yes, and finally it's paying off!
[Laura and Beth enter]
Laura: Oh, Frasier, this place is heaven.
Beth: Why don't we open up a bottle of wine and watch the sunset?
Niles: You know, the sun won't be setting for a little while yet.
Just think how much more we'll enjoy it if we got all our
unpacking done first!
Beth: That can wait.
Laura: Er, by the way. Beth and I were talking and I don't know what
you guys have in mind for tonight and, sorry if this sounds
kinda foreward, but we would like to avoid an awkward,
uncomfortable situation by getting this out in the open right
now.
[The boys are hopeful]
Laura: When we go out to dinner tonight, it's on us.
Frasier: [let do] Well, that's awfully nice of you. Speaking of
awkwardness... er, did you know....
Niles: Look at that sunset!
[The girls go to the window]
Frasier: Are you as crazed by this as I am?
Niles: It's driving me out of my mind.
Frasier: Oh, all right! I'm going to settle this once and for all,
now, just follow my lead.
[Frasier and Niles walk up to the window with the girls]
Frasier: Yes, now that is lovely, isn't it?
[Frasier puts her arm around Laura, she snuggles up to him]
Niles: Yes, it is magnificent.
[Niles puts his arm around Beth, she snuggles up to him. The boys
look at each other with winning faces. However, Laura and Beth then
put their arms around each other, like friends, which shatter their
confidences]
[Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment.
Daphne is sat with a towel over her head, on the couch, over a bowl
of hot water as Martin enters and sits on his chair with a beer]
Martin: Not feeling so hot, huh?
[Daphne sits up and gives him an evil look]
Martin: What did the doctor say?
Daphne: He says I've got... Oh, what was that medical term he used?
Oh, I remember; flu!
Martin: I'm really sorry I didn't let you get that flu shot. Is there
anything at all that I can do for you?
Daphne: Well, when I was a little girl and got sick, Grammy Moon used
to read me to sleep. It's a great comfort.
Martin: Oh. [picks up book] Is this what you're reading?
Daphne: Yeah.
Martin: "The Rose And The Rapier"?!
Daphne: Well, if you're not in the mood.
[Daphne sneezes, coughs violently and then sprays a breath freshner
into her mouth]
Daphne: You don't have to.
Martin: No, no, I'll do it.
Daphne: The bookmark's where I left off.
[Daphne relaxes on the sofa]
Martin: All right. Okay. [reads] "With a gasp of dismay, she ran to
him, her amathist eyes wide with alarm. "You fool," she
hissed, "Suppose someone saw you. The Duke's men are
everywhere"." [looks up] This isn't so bad.
Daphne: I told you.
Martin: [reads] ""You fool," she whispered again, "You sweet brave
wonderful fool. I should have died had you not found my bed
chamber"." [suddenly embarrased] Oh, Jeez! [reads] "Then she
was in his arms and all her quarms forgotten as she...
[shifts in chair] ...tore his tunic asonder and thrust her
eager lips against the sinues of his naked chest."
[Martin looks over to Daphne who seems to be asleep. He turns some
pages]
Martin: [reads] "The next morning..."
Daphne: You left out a section!
Martin: Okay, okay! [goes back, reads] "As his brazen fingers peeled
the silken fabric from her heaving... [coughs the word
"buzzum" out as he turns red] He beheld her quivering
alabaster mounds. [takes a huge gulp of his beer to wet his
suddenly dry throat] At that moment she felt the proof of his
rampant passion... [he sweeps his forehead of sweat] against
her milky thighs. His almost God-like beauty was marred
only...
[Martin looks over to a sleeping Daphne]
Martin: ...by the fact that he was..." [closes book] crossed eyes,
three feet tall and had breath like owl droppings!
[Martin looks over to Daphne who is obviously dead to the world, he
looks content]
[Scene Three - Cabin.
That evening, Frasier, Niles, Laura and Beth are sat by the fire with
glasses of wine]
Laura: Is there anything more relaxing than just lazing by the fire
with a good glass of wine?
Beth: Nothing I know of.
Niles: You two must be relaxed. Sitting there so calmly when there is
still all that unpacking to do.
Beth: Oh, Niles, we didn't bring that much.
Laura: Yeah, we didn't think we'd need too many clothes this weekend!
[Frasier and Niles look at each other wondering if this was a hint]
Laura: Well, I hate to break things up but I'm getting a little
sleepy, so I'm going to get ready for bed.
Beth: Yeah, it is getting kinda late. [to Frasier, R.E: wine glass]
Are you finished with that?
[Frasier hands over the glass as Beth goes to the kitchen. Laura,
meanwhile, goes to a bedroom. Niles and Frasier meet in the middle]
Frasier: Niles, this is tearing me apart!
Niles: These women are inscrutable as sphinxs!
Frasier: Yes, they've got us into some most vailed, gloat, cryptic
messages. Can't they just give us one clear signal?!
Beth: [enters] Well, I'm off to bed. Niles, are you coming?
[Beth exits to another bedroom]
Niles: [not realising] Curse these infernal riddles!
Frasier: Niles!
Niles: [realises] So she really said what I thought she said?
Frasier: Yes, go!
Niles: Suitcase! Suitcase!
[The boys exhanges cases]
Niles: There you are.
Frasier: Sleep well.
Niles: Oh, you too.
[Frasier notices Niles pick up his mobile phone and dial]
Frasier: Niles, what are you doing?
Niles: Oh, never mind. [into phone] Yes, is Mrs. Crane there? Yes,
I'll hold.
Frasier: What is this? Some sort of weird kinky foreplay!
Niles: I'm starting to feel guilty about this.
Frasier: Now?!
Niles: I'm sorry, I just need to clarrify the ground rules of Maris
and my seperation.
Frasier: Oh, fine, fine, I think you might look back on this one day
as your darkest hour. But, do what you want to.
[Frasier exits to the bedroom where Laura is waiting]
Niles: [into phone] Yes, Maris. Er, it occurred to me, we never laid
out the rules about our dating other people and what we could
and couldn't do.
Beth: [o.s] Niles, what are you doing?
Niles: [covers phone] Coming. [into phone] I, er, well, here's the
thing. I know that we're allowed to see other people, em, my
question is, how much of them are we allowed to see?
[Beth enters in a nightie in which Niles can see all. Beth beckons
him and exits back]
Niles: [into phone] I'm sorry, what? Oh, really, well, that's
wonderful, that's all I needed to know. Thank you.
[Niles hangs up and knocks on Frasier's door. Frasier opens the door
looking rather angry. His shirt is half unbuttoned]
Frasier: Yes.
Niles: You were wrong. Maris says she doesn't mind at all.
Frasier: Ah! Well then, off you go!
[Frasier exits back to his room]
Niles: Let the revels begin!
[Niles takes the bottle of wine and himself into Beth's room.
However, he isn't in there two seconds before Niles re-enters the
main room, still with the wine, and goes to knock on Frasier's door.
Frasier answers it, with more anger, this time his whole shirt is
buttoned and he is starting to undo his trouser belt]
Frasier: What?!
Niles: Why doesn't Maris mind at all?
Laura: [o.s] What's going on?
Frasier: Er, nothing, just a second, it's Niles. I'll be moment.
[then, to Niles] Why do you care?
Niles: Well, because she could have taken a lover herself and this
is her way of elleviating her guilt.
Frasier: Okay, Niles, so what do you want to do? Do you want to stew
over that all night - let her have all the fun.
Niles: Well, no, of course not.
Frasier: Well then. [with somewhat less oompf] Off you go!
[Frasier watches as Niles takes the wine bottle up to Beth's room,
kicks the door open with his feet, and enter in macho pride. Frasier
retires back to his room. The room is dark. However, Niles' mobile
starts ringing in the room. Niles comes out again]
Beth: [o.s] Niles!
Niles: Er, momentito.
[Niles answers his phone]
Niles: Hello. Yes, Maris. Oh, I see but... all right.
[Niles hangs up confused. He then, once again, knocks on Frasier's
door. This time he is wearing only his boxers]
Frasier: Yes!!
Laura: [o.s] Frasier!
Frasier: I'll just be a second.
Niles: She changed her mind, she doesn't want me to go through with
this. Do you realise what's happening here?
Frasier: Yes! Your ex-wife is ruining my sex life! Give me that!
[Frasier snatches Niles' phone, however is starts ringing again. This
makes Frasier extremely mad as he moves towards the front door]
Niles: Could I... What are you doing?
[Frasier opens the door and throws it out as it stops ringing, he
closes the door]
Niles: [shocked] What are you doing? What if she's changed her mind
again, how I am supposed to know what to think?
Frasier: I'm just going to say this one last time. This weekend, it's
not about thinking, it's about doing. Doing something that
the Crane boys haven't done for a very very long time! For
once in our miserable, sex starved lives, can we do
something pleasurable without thinking it to death?!
[Unaware to the boys, Laura and Beth enter the room]
Frasier: Don't think about today, don't think about what's right!
Don't even think of them as Laura and Beth, for tonight they
are just two live, breathing, available female bodies who
want us!
Laura: Think again!
[Niles and Frasier turn around in shock to see Laura and Beth exiting
to the two seperate bedroom, slamming the doors behind them. Frasier
gives Niles a look. However, this gets worse when we hear Niles'
mobile phone resinating from outside. Niles opens the door and looks
out]
Niles: Do you remember which snow bank you threw my phone into?
Frasier: I think I could hit it again!
[Frasier gets ready to push him]
Niles: Frasier! Frasier! Frasier!
[Frasier pushes Niles out of the door]
[End of Act Two]
Credits:
[That night, Frasier and Niles are sleeping in the living area of the
cabin. Frasier is on the sofa, with some covers on him. Whilst Niles
is curled up on the floor shiverring. Frasier wakes up and looks over
to Niles. He takes a pillow over to him, as if to give him some
comfort. But instead, he just starts hitting him over the head with
it in anger. Niles awakes to this and shivers himself back to sleep]
Legal Stuff
This episode capsule is copyright 2000 by Nick Hartley.
This episode summary remains property of Frasier, Copyright
of Paramount Productions and NBC. Printed without permission.
