[4.10] Liar! Liar!




Liar! Liar!                        Written by Anne Flett-Giordano &
                                              Chuck Ranberg
                                   Directed by James Burrows
=====================================================================
Production Code: 4.10.
Episode Number In Production Order: 82
Original Airdate on NBC: 
Episode filmed on 
Transcript written on 14th September 2000


Transcript {Iain McCallum}

[Act 1]

[Scene 1 – Frasier’s Apartment. Frasier is seeing a guest off the 
premises. Both are dressed in tuxedos, as are Niles, Martin and 
Bulldog who are also in the room. Roz and Daphne are decked out in 
elegant eveningwear.]

Frasier: [opening the front door as the guest walks out] Glad you 
         came back with us. I hope you had a good time. Well I can’t 
         tell you how much fun this has been. Listen, now that you 
         know the way don’t be a stranger. OK. Good night! [closes 
         the door after the man] Who the hell was that? 
  Niles: He’s not from the station? 
    Roz: I never saw him before. 
 Daphne: He was table-hopping like crazy during the awards. 
 Martin: That’s ‘cos he was our waiter. 
Frasier: Well that’s the last time I say everybody back to my place! 
Bulldog: [holding up a trophy] Who cares about that guy? This is a 
         great night. 
    Roz: For you maybe. The rest of us lost. 
Bulldog: Hey, it’s not important whether you win or lose. It’s an 
         honour just being nomin…[breaks into laughter]…I couldn’t 
         get through that crap on stage. I can’t get through it now.  
    Roz: Frasier, do you mind if I use your phone? 
Frasier: No, not at all. Who are you calling? It’s practically 
         midnight. 
    Roz: Oh I promised my grandmother I’d leave her a message telling 
         her how we did. [dials the number then starts speaking into          
         the phone] Hey Gammy, it’s Roz. Guess what? We won again! 
         We’re all here celebrating. [Roz holds up the phone to 
         indicate they make some kind of noise of celebration. All 
         they can muster is a half-hearted YEAH! sounding completely 
         unconvincing] Listen I gotta go. It’s getting crazy here but 
         I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Bye Bye. 
  Niles: You lied to Gammy? 
    Roz: Well, she’s old and it makes her happy. She smiled for a 
         week when I won the Miss Seattle Pageant! 
Frasier: You know, Roz raises a very interesting philosophical 
         question? 
 Martin: [preparing for the worst] Oh. Here we go. Buckle up! 
Frasier: Is it always morally wrong to lie? We are taught that it is.
         Though obviously there are certain occasions when a lie 
         would be acceptable. 
Bulldog: Yeah, like the lies you tell a chick in bed. "You’re the 
         best I’ve ever been with", " Your thighs don’t look that 
         fat", "Don’t worry, I’ve had a vasectomy" [Bulldog notes the 
         disgusted faces around the room] Hey, screw you guys! I’m an 
         artist; we live by different rules. 
  Niles: An argument can certainly be made that a lie is good when it 
         spares someone unnecessary pain. I’m reminded of Maris’ 
         brief flirtation with active wear when I assured her "You 
         look fine darling. Spandex is supposed to blouse!" 
Frasier: You know, Lilith actually told me the other day that 
         Frederick has taken to lying. Yes, he told all of his 
         friends that Lilith is an alien. [laughs] 
 Martin: Seems as good an explanation as any! 
Frasier: He also told them that she wears her hair in a bun to hide 
         the third eye in the back of her head. 
    Roz: How did Lilith find out? 
Frasier: Well, apparently she was driving him and Toby to a Junior 
         Mensa meeting, she looked in the rear view mirror and saw
         that they were making faces at the other cars. Never have 
         the words "I can see you" caused so much screaming and 
         wetting of pants! 
 Daphne: I did my fair share of fibbing too. I once told me school 
         chums I was born with a tiny embryonic twin attached to my 
         hip [Daphne laughs hilariously whilst the others look 
         slightly perturbed] Of course they were horrified and it 
         didn’t help my social life at all. [sighs] But for a while 
         there it was nice having a sister. 

[Niles nods his head in sympathy before subtly removing the glass of 
champagne from Daphne’s hand and passing it to Frasier who nods his 
head in agreement.]

  Niles: Oh. Remember in prep school when we were so desperate to 
         avoid The President’s Physical Fitness Test… 
Frasier: …that we lit a match underneath the fire alarm and all the 
         sprinklers went off. 
  Niles: And we blamed that delinquent kid John Rajeski. 
Frasier: Yes. 
 Martin: [flabbergasted] You did what? 
Frasier: What’s wrong? 
 Martin: You two swore up and down to me that you never set off that 
         alarm. 
Frasier: [laughing] Well of course we weren’t going to tell you. 

[Martin storms off into the kitchen] 

  Niles: For Heaven’s sake Dad, you can’t be mad. We were kids. 
 Martin: [turning back] You know, the headmaster said it was you two. 
         I went down there and raised hell with them. I said "My kids 
         don’t lie". Because of you that Rajeski kid got expelled. 
Frasier: [shocked] Expelled? If we’d have known that was going to 
         happen we would have told the truth. 
  Niles: [unrepentant] Not me. He was a brute and a meanie. 
Frasier: You’re right. He used to make the most merciless fun of me, 
         about how I always wore my gym shorts in the shower. He used 
         to call me "Shorts In The Shower Boy". You don’t have to be 
         witty to be cruel. 
 Martin: Well I don’t give a damn what that kid did. Getting him 
         expelled was worse. [angrily] I’m going to bed. Good night 
         everybody. 

[Everyone says good night as Martin goes through to the bedroom.] 

Frasier: Well I guess that brings an end to our little debate. 
         Apparently there are no good lies. 
Bulldog: Hey, hey, it’s getting kinda heavy in here. We gotta liven 
         this place up, huh? Hey, I know – party games, huh? All 
         right Doc, I’m going to need a blindfold, whipped cream and 
         a glass coffee table. [everyone looks mystified] What? 
         Nobody went to camp? 
    Roz: [getting up] Forget it Bulldog. These guys are no fun. 
         [grabs his butt as she walks past] You know what? I know a 
         great after hours place where we can go get a few drinks. 
Bulldog: [rushing after Roz to the front door] Now you’re talking. 
         Hey, if things go well I know an after after hours place. I 
         got the keys. 
    Roz: Mmm. You get the elevator; I’ll get my coat. 
Bulldog: You’re on. 

[Bulldog rushes out and Roz closes the door behind him, firmly 
locking it.] 

Roz: No good lies my ass! 

[Daphne laughs and Frasier and Niles toast each other with their 
champagne.] 

[Scene 2 – Café Nervosa. Niles walks in and sees Frasier sitting 
down. Niles hangs up his coat before sitting down. It is apparent 
that both brothers are wearing exactly the same suit right down to 
the shirt and tie.]
 
  Niles: Good morning Frasier.
Frasier: Oh, good morning Niles…[suddenly notices Niles’ suit]…oh 
         dear God – it’s finally happened. This is the thanks I get 
         for introducing you to my personal shopper. I gave her 
         specific instructions to write down every article of 
         clothing that I had purchased so we could avoid this sort of 
         calamity!
  Niles: I didn’t use Renaldo. This suit just caught my eye while I 
         was shopping for shoes.

[Niles and Frasier suddenly stop and stare tentatively at each other 
shoes. They both reel back in horror as they realise they’ve got the 
same as well.]

  Niles: [annoyed] Well why didn’t you also take my strong chin and 
         swimmer’s build?
Frasier: Oh please.
  Niles: Obviously we have to sit apart.
Frasier: Sit down! There’s something I need to talk to you about. I 
         doubt most people are as tuned to these things as you and I 
         are. I’m sure they won’t even notice.

[At this point the waitress approaches with two coffees.]

Waitress: [to Frasier] Here you are. Double espresso. [to Niles] I 
          took a chance and brought you the same thing.
 Frasier: After our conversation last night I couldn’t stop thinking 
          about our getting John Rajeski expelled. I didn’t sleep a 
          wink.
   Niles: You can’t be serious?
 Frasier: You mean it didn’t bother you? Where is your conscience?
   Niles: Perhaps it fell into the quad along with my hall monitor 
          beret when John hung me from the flagpole! He was going to 
          be expelled sooner or later. You cannot guilt me into 
          feeling bad.
 Frasier: Yes, well, no one hated him more than I did but I still 
          think we owe him an apology. Can I borrow your phone Niles?
   Niles: Certainly. [hands over phone then suddenly realises] You’re 
          not going to call him?
 Frasier: I am.
   Niles: Are you insane?
 Frasier: [speaking into the phone] A number for a John Rajeski 
          please? [speaking to Niles] Niles, my conscience won’t rest 
          until the two of us have said we’re sorry [speaking into 
          phone] Oh yes, connect me please.
   Niles: Leave me out of this. I’m not sorry. But don’t tell him 
          that. And if he asks I’m living in Italy. No, no, France. 
          No, Italy!
 Frasier: [speaking into the phone] Yes, hello. Is John Rajeski there 
          please? It’s an old friend…[pauses]…oh, I’m terribly sorry 
          to hear that. Thank you. [hangs up] Niles, it’s worse than 
          we thought – he’s in prison.
   Niles: [smug] Well, who’s wearing shorts in the shower now?
 Frasier: Well joke all you like. I still can’t help thinking this is 
          all our fault.
   Niles: How?
 Frasier: Well he was always on the cusp. Maybe he couldn’t get into 
          another prep school. Maybe he had to go to public. Got in 
          with the wrong crowd. Couldn’t hold onto a job. He could 
          turn to a life of crime.
   Niles: Frasier. Sometimes bad things happen to bad people. We did 
          not set him on the path to prison.
 Frasier: Yes, well until I’m sure of that fact my conscience will 
          not rest. I have got to speak with him. [to waiter] Can I 
          have the check please?
   Niles: [incredulous] You’re not going down to the jail?
 Frasier: Yes I am. I invite you to join me.
   Niles: [sarcastic] Yes that’s a good idea Frasier. The Crane boys 
          going to a prison in matching outfits!

DEAD MAN TALKING
[Scene 3 – The prison. Frasier is nervously walking round a room bare except for a table and two chairs in the middle of the floor. John Rajeski is brought in by a guard.] John: Frasier Crane? Frasier: John. John: [smiling and shaking his hand] Hey. How’s it going? Frasier: Well, fine. And you? John: Mmm [points to his surroundings] What brings you down here? Frasier: Well, I don’t know if you get the alumni magazine but I became a psychiatrist and I’m currently conducting a study on men behind bars and how they got there…[notices John’s fists]…that’s an awfully nasty bruise on your knuckles. John: [laughs] I caught some guy using my comb. I really hate it when people touch my stuff. Niles: Oh yes. I remember my brother Niles once sat in your chair in the cafeteria. As I recall you put him on a tray and ran him into the dishwasher. John: Yeah, class clown – that was me. [both laugh at this] How is Niles anyway? Frasier: Ah..er…ah, he’s abroad now. John: Really? Whoa, that must have hurt. Frasier: No, no, I mean…er…yes I suppose it did! Well anyway it would be an enormous help in my study if you could perhaps pinpoint the moment or event in your life that led you to here. John: Ah, that’s easy. I’m doing time for passing a bad check. Frasier: Ah [begins writing in his notebook] John: You see I wanted to get my wife something nice. We’re going through a rough time recently. I was scared she was going to leave me, you know? Frasier: [relieved] Well that was quick and painless. We’ve identified the point where you fell off the beam. [gets up to leave] John: Actually though I was already on probation. I did some time about ten years back for driving a car that didn’t belong to me. Frasier: And that was your first infraction? John: Yeah. Frasier: [getting up again] Well then. Case closed. Mystery solved. A young man yields to the lure of a bright and shiny car. Is there anything more tragic? John: I did have a juvenile record. Frasier: [sitting down again] Apparently there is. John: I got in a high school fight. Frasier: You did say high school, not prep school? John: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is way after you knew me. I went bad then. Always getting into fights. Of course I wouldn’t have been there in the first place if I hadn’t have gotten thrown out of that good school me and you were in. That had a big effect on me you know? Frasier: Yes well perhaps we could continue our backward journey through… John: [getting up] No, no, no. That was a bum rap. Somebody pulled the fire alarm and they blamed me for it. They said I did it but I didn’t do it. Frasier: [becoming visibly worried] Let’s discuss your early childhood. John: [stamping his fist off the desk in anger] You know, the more I think about it this all started the day I got thrown out of prep school. Ever since then my life’s been crap! CRAP! [now banging the desk in rage] Frasier: [hurriedly gathering his notebook and getting up] I think I have all the information I need now. John: Sorry, I didn’t mean to blow like that. Frasier: Well, that’s all right John. [shaking hands with John] Thank you for your time. John: I got plenty of it. I’ll see you huh? Frasier: [nervously thinking as John knocks on the door to leave] No, no, John. There’s just one more thing. [turns to the guard who’s ready to take John back] One second please. [turns to John] There’s something I need to tell you about something that I did in school that I’m not very proud of. [At this point a very large very burly fellow prisoner covered in bruises and a neck cast appears at the door.] Prisoner: Yo, John. Sorry I touched your comb man. [Needless to say Frasier looks frightened out of his wits as the prisoner scuttles off.] John: So what did you do? Frasier: Er…well…I…er…I peaked over your shoulder once during an algebra quiz. John: [jokingly] And I’m the one who gets expelled? [John is led away by the guard leaving Frasier wondering how he can break the news to John.] [Act 2] [Scene 1 – Frasier’s Apartment. Martin is sitting back in his chair. Daphne opens the front door to a limping, leaning Niles] Daphne: Evening Dr. Crane Niles: Hello Daphne. Dad. Daphne: Something wrong with your back? Niles: I injured it this morning playing squash. I had to make a dive to save match point. Daphne: Well I’ve got just the thing to take care of that. You take off your jacket. I’ll be right back. [disappears off to the bathroom] Niles: You’re too kind. You know I should never even have attempted to move like that. It was sort of a cross between a pirouette and a flying scissors kick. Martin: [once Daphne’s gone] You hurt yourself adjusting the seat in your Mercedes again, didn’t you? Niles: Quiet! Daphne: [reappearing with a small tub of something] All right, pull out your shirttails and lay face down on the sofa. I can guarantee you within a minute you’ll be feeling much better. [Niles lies down and mutters a moan of satisfaction] I haven’t even touched you yet! Niles: I started without you. [Daphne proceeds to rub Niles’ back with some sort of liniment.] Martin: [concerned] Hey wait a minute. You’re not gonna use that stuff on him are you? She used it on me one time – it burned like hell! Daphne: Oh hush up old man. It helped you didn’t it. Martin: It nearly killed me. Daphne: Listen to the big tough policeman. You don’t hear your son complaining, do we Dr. Crane? Niles: [in heaven] Not a bit! Froth me like a kink. Martin: Well just wait a minute. It goes on cool but it then it turns into a blowtorch. Daphne: Well, I guess now we know who the real man in the family is don’t we? Niles: I should say we…[winces slightly]…Ooh! Daphne: Starting to warm up? Niles: [wincing a little more] Ahh, yeah! It’s a refreshing heat like those towels they give you on the airplane. [clearly feigning happiness] Woooo! Daphne: I’m not hurting you am I? Niles: No, no. I’m just a little ticklish back there [begins screaming out in pain and biting down on the pillow] Martin: Well I guess you are the tough one! Daphne: [getting up] There you go. Martin: Oh, no, wait a minute Daphne – you missed a big spot right there. Niles: [hastily getting up] No, that’s OK. Because it’s all done now. Thank you Daphne. [in agony] A few minutes ago I was bent over in pain [rushes for the kitchen bounding over the coffee table] but now look at me, I’m running! [Niles heads straight for the refrigerator, finds the frozen peas and stuffs them down the back of his shirt, followed by the tub of ice cream. Back in the living room Daphne is talking to Martin.] Daphne: How is that hip of yours anyway? Martin: Back off witch woman! [The front door opens and Frasier walks in] Daphne: Evening Dr. Crane. Frasier: Evening Daphne. Martin: How did you get on at the jail? Frasier: Horribly! The man is convinced that getting thrown out of prep school was the beginning of his life of crime. Martin: Been thinking that all these years? Frasier: [disconsolate] No. I sort of connected the dots for him! Martin: You tell him it was you? Frasier: I intended to but I became convinced that the man would be willing to perform unspeakable atrocities on the responsible party or parties. Martin: Well you probably made the right call. Knowing you, you’d beat yourself up worse than he would anyway. Niles: [emerging from the kitchen] I hope you remembered to tell him I was an ex-patriot. Frasier: I told him you were an ex something [Niles looks confused] You know, I just feel so guilty. I have done this man a terrible injustice. Daphne: You know, Dr. Crane, I’ve always believed life has a way of balancing itself out. Yes, you may have treated this man unfairly but think of all the people you’ve helped on your show. Just yesterday you reconciled that couple on the brink of divorce and today you helped Molly from Tacoma overcome her addiction to Swedes. [Martin and Niles both stop what they’re doing and look up confused] Frasier: That was sweets, not Swedes! Daphne: I thought it was strange when you told her to limit herself to one or two after meals. Frasier: You know, perhaps I just have an overactive conscience. It’s not enough that I help other people, I want to help this man. Niles: Well I hope you do Frasier because then finally you’ll stop torturing the rest of us with all your…[bends over and suddenly cries out in agony]…oh, pain’s back! Martin: Not to worry. She’s got more liniment. Niles: [suddenly standing upright still in agony] Oh, pain’s gone! Daphne: Come on now. Don’t be brave. [drags Niles’ behind her] Let’s go into the loo and I’ll give you a second coat. [Niles stretches out his hand to Frasier in a last ditch bid to stay away from Daphne’s clutches but he is dragged into the bathroom.] Frasier: You know, Dad, Daphne gave me a thought. I’m a skilled couple’s therapist. John did mention that he was having marital problems… Martin: Oh Jeez! Frasier: [heading for the phone] No, no, Dad. This is perfect, this is perfect. I may have ruined the last 25 years of this man’s life but with my gift I could save the next 25. [speaks into the phone] Yes, a listing for a John Rajeski please. Martin: I’m telling you Frasier, don’t get mixed up with this guy. He’s a felon. Frasier: Dad, just relax please – I know what I’m doing. [speaks into the phone] Mrs. Rajeski? Hello, you don’t know me but I’m…[a piercing scream comes from the bathroom as the second coat is obviously being applied]…why, well that’s remarkable. Yes, I am a friend of your husband’s! [Scene 2 – Susan Rajeski’s apartment. Frasier knocks on the door and Susan opens.] Frasier: Mrs. Rajeski? Susan: Wow, it’s really you – Frasier Crane! Frasier: May I? Susan: Oh gosh, I’m sorry. Please, please come in. [Frasier walks in] You know you’re kind of like a God at work [Frasier looks a bit humbled] Please, please sit down. Frasier: [sitting down] Thank you. Let me cut right to the chase. John told me that you two were going through a bit of a rough patch and I was wondering if there was anything I could do to help? Susan: Well, I love John. I really do but there is a problem. It’s just a little difficult talking about it you know, I mean it’s a little embarrassing – especially face to face. Frasier: Well I tell you what. Just pretend I’m on my radio show [turns his back to Susan] and now you’re just another a caller. Susan: OK, well Dr. Crane, it’s a sexual problem. Frasier: Ah. Susan: You see I can only get really turned on when there’s something that makes the whole situation sort of dangerous. Frasier: [turning round] Dangerous? Susan: You’re looking at me. Frasier: [turning back round] Sorry. Susan: Like doing it in a car. Frasier: Well that’s not so dangerous. Susan: You must be some driver. Frasier: [realises] Oh. And you’ve never had an accident? Susan: No, I’m on the pill! Frasier: [back still turned] So how long have you had this particular kink? Susan: [standing up starts playing with her buttons] Well I don’t know really. It kind of started around the time that I first met John. I was working in a convenience store, I caught him shoplifting. Next thing I knew we were rolling around on the slurpy machine and I’d already pressed the silent alarm so I knew that the cops were on their way [rips off her dress to reveal a sexy black negligee. Frasier is still sitting on the couch back turned, unaware] That’s when I realised what really turns me on. Knowing I could get caught at any moment. [leaps onto Frasier’s lap] Frasier: [horrified] Oh Dear God! He’s out of jail isn’t he? Susan: He could walk in at any time. Frasier: He’ll kill us! Susan: [writhing in pleasure] Ooh, touch me here and say that Frasier: [struggling up with Susan still attached] ARE YOU CRAZY? He doesn’t even let people touch his comb! Susan: I know. What’s that all about? Frasier: [backing off] You might like to put your dress back on, straighten up before he gets home. [As Frasier heads for the front door there is a rattling on the other side. John is home.] John: Open up. Frasier: [panicking] You only have time for one – I suggest the dress. Where’s the bedroom? Susan: You’re in it. Frasier: Listen, you’ve got to get him out of here. Susan: [excited] And pass the chance to have sex with him knowing he could find you here at any minute? [She heads for the front door with a huge grin on her face. Meanwhile Frasier hides behind the sofa. Susan opens the door to John.] Susan: [hugging John] Welcome home baby! John: [hugging Susan then noticing the negligee] What are you doing? Susan: Well, I’m just getting ready for you. Oh, I missed you. So, do you want to? John: Sure I do but…er…you mean, normally…the super’s not going to barge in? You didn’t dial 911 or anything like that? Susan: I’ve got everything I need right here in this room. [Behind the sofa, Frasier rolls his eyes.] John: [kissing Susan] I’m just going to pull down the shades [heads for the shades, which are next to the sofa] Susan: Wait, wait! [John walks behind the sofa then stops suddenly as he looks down.] John: [angrily] What the hell is this? [picks up a pair of high heels] How much did you spend on these? Susan: Oh, Johnny, can’t we talk about that later? John: [hugging Susan] Why don’t you turn off the light? [Susan turns off the light. Unfortunately the moonlight streams in through the open window leaving a silhouetted Frasier, who is now hiding elsewhere, clearly visible behind John. Susan hurriedly switches the lights back on.] Susan: It’s too dark. I want to see you. John: Whatever you want baby. This is going to be great. I am going to make love to you all night. [Frasier, still in hiding, throws his hands up in despair.] John: But first, I have a surprise for you. I wrote a poem for you while I was in prison. [takes out a piece of paper and begins reading] "I am a garden, dry and brown. You are the rain that tumbles down, Susan. I am a beggar that needs to eat, you are a sandwich thick with meat, Susan." [By now Frasier has had enough and, revisiting his childhood, he holds a lighter up to the smoke alarm. Needless to say this switches the sprinkler system on, practically drowning John and Susan.] John: Oh my God. I knew you had something planned – you set the building on fire! Susan: No I didn’t, I swear. John: Come on, let’s get out of here. Susan: Oh, but the firemen – they’re on their way. John: Come on! [John grabs Susan and drags her out the now soaked room. A drenched Frasier emerges from his hiding place looking satisfied with himself. He picks the poem up that has been left on the sofa, takes one look at it then discards it with a look of disgust. He checks the doorway before walking out.] Credits: [Eddie is on the sofa in Frasier’s Apartment whilst Niles goes to put a magazine onto the coffee table. Unfortunately as he bends down he gets stuck again and is in obvious pain. Eddie looks on. Cue Daphne who rushes out the bedroom and sees Niles in distress. She rushes over to help and Niles, deciding that he’s not going through the burning process again, pretends that he is actually leaning down to stroke Eddie. After much pretending and feigning of smiles, Daphne believes him and goes back to the bedroom. Niles waits until she is gone before struggling to the front door in agony and gets out as fast as he can.]

Thanks To...

Transcript written by IAIN MCCALLUM
Edited by NICK HARTLEY


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 This episode capsule is copyright 2000 by "The Frasier Files".
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