The Two Mrs. Cranes Written by Joe Keenan
Directed by David Lee
=====================================================================
Production Code: 4.1.
Original Airdate on NBC: 17th September 1996
Transcript written on 14th February 1999.
Quotes and Scene Summary {nicholas hartley}
Act One. It's breakfast time in the Crane household. Frasier sits
reading the newspaper as Niles precariously sits picking bits out of
his muffin and placing them neatly on his plate. After a while, it
begins to irritate Frasier.
Frasier: Niles, what are you doing?
Niles: This fruit nut muffin contains a number of things I don't
care for... Currents, a husk of something, a way wrinkly
thing...
Frasier: You know, if you and Maris ever reconcile, I'm gonna miss
these tranquile mornings. I reading my newspaper, you
tweasing your muffin!
Daphne and Martin enter through the front door, with good news.
Martin: Hey boys. I got a letter from one of my old army pals, Bud
Farrell. The whole platoon's getting together next weekend
on "Rattlesnake Ridge".
Frasier: Oh good for you. Speaking of old chums, Daphne, a Clive
called for you a little earlier.
Daphne: Clive?
Frasier: Hmmm hmm.
Daphne: Did he sound British?
Frasier: No, he was one of those fiery Mexican Clives! He said he'd
call back!
Daphne: I bet he will!
Martin: Oh boy! [sitting down:] I can't wait to see the old gang!
Niles: Oh, Dad, you're not thinking of driving all the way to
"Rattlesnake Ridge". It's a five hours away, you know how
your hip stiffens up!
Martin: No problem, they said I can bring a guest! So, who's the
lucky one?
Frasier: Well, by my count, two of us get to be lucky!
Martin: Come on, they're great guys. Stinky, wolfman, boom-boom,
Jim. Of course his name's not really Jim. We call him that
because he likes to drink Jim Beam. Just like we call Hank,
Bud, because he drinks Budweiser. Come on you'll love these
guys!
Niles: We're sherry drinkers, Dad, think about it! Anyway, I have a
conference that weekend.
Daphne: And I have me friend's, Megan's, birthday party.
Martin: Frase'
Frasier: [phone rings:] Oh please let that my Megan, needing a clown
for her party!
Daphne: [answering phone:] Hello. Oh! Clive. Yes, it has been a long
time hasn't it. Oh I am sorry I have dinner plans tonight.
Well, maybe just a drink then. Say, 6:30. Me too. Bye!
[phone down:] Oh hell!
Niles: So who is this Clive?
Frasier: An ex-boyfriend?
Daphne: Worse! Ex-fiancee.
Niles: You were engaged!
Daphne: For years! We were mad for each other. He was very sweet and
had the most gorgeous eyes you ever saw!
Niles: But?
Daphne: Oh yes that too! I just couldn't see a future with him. I
mean the man was a total lay-a-bout. No ambition! No drive!
He couldn't hold a job. All he wanted to do was tinker about
with his car. His fingers were also black from the motor
oil.
Niles: What a brutish habit! If God intended for me to work on my
Mercedes, he wouldn't have given me Horst. [leaves to the
kitchen.]
Daphne: I had to break it off! I had to break him down easily, so I
said if we were still free in five years, we could try
again! And here is right on schedule! [Niles re-enters:]
Well, what do I say to him?
Frasier: Well, to be honest, tell him what you feel.
Daphne: To break the poor thing's heart all over again!
Frasier: No, it's the best way to avoid unnecessary anguish. Case
unbooked. Dad, I do not have plans for next weekend, but I
don't intend to spoil it with Budweiser and boiler maker and
their liver damaged friends, seltzer.
Martin: Well that's fine. There'll be other reunions.
Frasier: [to Daphne:] See, no evasions, no inconvienient confrences,
just simple honesty!
Martin: But, I don't suppose Jim'll make it next time. Says here, he
just had his third bypass. But, I'll see him this June.
Frasier: Off to work!
Martin: Unless I go first!
Frasier: All right! I'll drive you to your stupid reunion. [leaves:]
Martin: Thanks son. I guess I'll leave it a couple of days before
telling him about Stinky needing a ride!
Next In The Repertory,
"Cosi Fan Tushy"
Frasier is doing his slot at KACL. He is in the middle of his
conclusion for the day.
Frasier: And in closing, this goes out to Kieth, the narcolectic I
spoke to a bit earlier. I'd be glad to resume when you feel
a bit more alert. But, in the meantime I guess you
reconsider applying for that traffic control position. This
is Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL, 780 AM.
Gil: [enters Frasier's booth:] Brilliant show, Frasier. Chock
full of pithy in sight.
Frasier: What do you want?
Gil: A favour. Bonnie Weems, the auto-lady, just asked me to
another one of her wretched dinner parties. Well I'm was
planning on saying that you and I have ballet tickets
tonight. Do back me up.
Frasier: Well, I'm sorry, I can't!
Gil: But you've got to. Have you any idea of how vile her food
is. The local racoons have posted warning signs on her trash
bin.
Frasier: Well you see Bonnie invited me and I told her I promised my
father, I'd drive him to his army reunion at "Rattlesnake
Ridge".
Gil: Oh, very clever. Well, I'd use it myself, but I killed my
father off to escape her "Labour Day Clam Bake". [He leaves,
whilst Roz enters from her booth.]
Frasier: Er, Roz, listen I'm going to the opera tonight. You didn't
happen to remember my..
Roz: Oh, your opera glasses. I'm so sorry, they completely
slipped my mind!
Frasier: I wouldn't really mind if you hadn't bought them to oogle
that bodybuilder across the street.
Roz: Just once or twice. It's not as if I copied his address from
his mail box, so I could look up his number, so I could call
him whilst he was in the shower, so I could watch him cross
the room naked, to answer the phone call, without him
seeing me. That would be wrong.
Frasier: I want them back. I refuse to squint whilst you continue to
watch the magic flute! [he leaves.]
Later, Frasier is playing the piano in his apartment. Daphne enters
wearing a long wolly cardigan, which covers up everything.
Daphne: Dr. Crane, I need your opinion on this outfit. I wanted
something that said "no romantic signals whatsoever".
Frasier: Well, short of a cactus coursage, I think you've captured
it. You know Daphne, It's been five years, it's an awfully
long time to carry a torch. Maybe he just wanted to say
hello.
Daphne: Oh, I certainly hope so. The thought of having to reject the
poor thing again, is more than I can bear.
The doorbell goes and Daphne rushes to answer it.
Daphne: Oh dear, it's him. Anything between my teeth?
Frasier: No.
Daphne: Is there any spinach in the fridge?
Frasier: Just answer the door.
Daphne reveals a grinning Niles, ready to intervene.
Daphne: Oh Dr. Crane, I was afraid you were Clive!
Niles: [acting:] Oh Clive? Clive? [acting he realises:] Oh Clive.
Is that tonight? Oh, well don't I feel silly bringing over
this 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle.
Frasier: I'm sure Daphne doesn't want us hoarding on her reunion.
We're going to dinner!
Niles: Well, can't we order in. I've all ready assembled one kitten
and two yarn balls! [Frasier takes his jigsaw away from
him].
Frasier: I'm getting my jacket!
Doorbell goes again. Daphne answers it, whilst Niles watches.
Frasier: Niles, for God sake, will you give them some privacy. [exits
to hall, whilst Niles exits to kitchen.]
Daphne: [opens door:]
Clive: Hello.
Daphne: Hello.
Clive: Look at you, you look wonderful.
Daphne: Oh! Go on.
Clive: I mean it. Very pretty and warm. So..?
Daphne: So? [they hug, but Clive makes a hotch potch.]
Clive: Oh my God! I've got a spot of axel grease on your sweater.
Daphne: Oh it's all right really. It's just a ratty old thing.
Please, come in. [he does.] Same old Clive I see.
Clive: I suppose so.
Daphne: So, what brings you to Seattle?
Clive: My undying love for you. Damn! I meant to lead up to that,
sorry.
Daphne: No, it's all right. Just a bit!
Clive: Abrubt! How are you, nice place you have here, by the way it
is lovely. Is that the Space Needle? [goes to the window.]
Daphne: Clive!
Clive: Me! Anyway, I remember what you told me five years ago. I
thought my feelings might change, five years is a long time.
But..
Daphne: Clive.
Clive: Let me finish! My feelings for you haven't change. I think
about you every day, every night, and there comes a time in
a man's life when he's got to sum up the courage to look at
a woman straight in the eye and say..
Niles: [entering with a bowl:] ..Cheese Nips? I'm sorry is this a
bad moment?
Clive: Well actually..
Daphne: No, no, not at all. This is my very dear old friend, Clive
Roddy. Clive, I'd like you to meet Dr. Niles Crane... my
husband. [Niles drops the bowl in disbelief.]
Clive: Your husband!
Daphne: Yes, six months next week.
Clive: Congratulations, you're a very lucky man.
Niles: [now in the arms of Daphne, he laughs agreeing with that
comment.]
A SWELL OF COUPLES
The situation resumes.
Clive: Six months? Well you two are practically newly weds.
Daphne: Yes, we're still at that honeymoon stage. It sickening
really. [kisses Niles]
Niles: Revolting! [he kisses her back.] Positively Stomach Turning!
[He tries to kiss again but she pulls away.]
Clive: I should be going.
Niles: No! I mean, we are so enjoying having you here.
Daphne: I did promise you a drink.
Clive: Oh Well I suppose I could stay for a bit.
Daphne: Oh! [to Niles:] Darling, would you give me a hand in the
kitchen please.
Niles: Certainly, my angel. [he follows her gracefully into the
kitchen.]
In the Kitchen, Daphne apologises for the inconveniences.
Daphne: Dr. Crane, I'm so sorry. It seemed the kindess way to let him
down. I didn't mean to put you in an awkward position. [opens
fridge.]
Niles: When it comes to you, no position is too awkward. [he turns
round, coming face to face with Daphne's backside.]
End of Act One (Time:9:24)
Act two. Frasier enters the living room meeting Clive.
Frasier: Oh hello, you must be Clive.
Clive: And you are?
Frasier: Dr. Frasier Crane. [shakes hands.]
Clive: Oh, Niles' brother.
Frasier: Yes, you met Niles.
Clive: Just now. Though I used to know his wife quite well.
Frasier: Really, you know his wife!
Clive: She's one of a kind that one.
Frasier: Isn't she. [laughs with him.]
Clive: Certainly can light up a room.
Frasier: Oh yes, usually by leaving it!
Niles and Daphne enter the living room, shocked by the disaster
that's unravelling. Daphne intervenes.
Niles: Frasier!
Daphne: Clive! I see you've met my husbands' brother.
Clive: Yes, I'm not intruding on some family occasion am I.
Daphne: [now in Niles arms again.] Oh no! Frasier lives here. I mean
temporarily. He's..
Niles: Had a spate with his wife, Maris.
Clive: Sorry to hear that.
Frasier: Yes, me too. You know, Daphne, I'm parched, could you show
me again where we keep the wine.
Daphne: Of course, could you spare me a minute. [begins to leave.]
Niles: Oh, oh, oh, oh! [stops her.] Wait, you have to pay the love
toll. [she kisses him.] Too much, here's the change. [kisses
her back.] [to Clive:] Can you stay for dinner!
Meanwhile, Frasier is arguing with Daphne in the kitchen.
Frasier: I told you to be honest! But would you listen, no! No,
instead you subject us to this ridiculous charade.
Daphne: Play along please. I swear, one drink and he's out the door.
Niles: [entering:] He's staying for dinner.
Frasier: What??
Daphne: Well how did that happen?
Niles: He just sort of invited himself. Pretty damn cheeky if you
ask me. [Frasier gives him a look of disbelief.]
Daphne: Oh dear God!
Niles: Obviously he has hopes of winning you back. We must keep
this signs of affection as realistic as possible.
Frasier: [interrupting:] Psst! [Niles leaves.]
Daphne: Oh, what will I serve? Do we still have that lasgna.
Frasier: Daphne, you don't expect me to endure an entire evening of
this nonsense.
Daphne: Just do this for me. And anything you want, name it.
Anything it's yours.
Frasier: Anything?
Daphne: Except "Rattlesnake Ridge"!
Frasier: Oh Clive!
Daphne: All right, I'll take him.
Frasier: [to Clive:] Lasgne all right for dinner?
Clive: [shouting:] Super!
Daphne: I'm warning you. One thing goes wrong, and the whole deals
off.
Frasier: Nothing can go wrong. We just have to stick to our stories
and avoid any complications.
Martin: [off screen:] Oh I see we've got company!
Frasier and Daphne look at each other horified. They rush out to
greet him.
Niles: Dad!
Frasier: Dad!
Daphne: Dad! Clive, I'd like you to meet my new husband's father.
Frasier: [takes him coat:] Or, as we sometimes say in this country,
Father-in-law.
Clive: I'm Clive Roddy. [shakes him hand.]
Martin: Yeah, Marty Crane. Somebody tell me...
Niles: [interrupting:] Oh Daphne, we've been so remiss. We haven't
given Clive the tour.
Daphne: Oh yes, quite right! This is the living room.
Niles: No, I think he'll be more interessted in the master
bathroom. [covering up:] The shower being so large and
Manchester being so rainy.
Daphne: Right this way. [she leads him off to the bathroom.]
Niles: Oh you forgot to pay the toll.
Frasier: Niles!
Niles: Never mind.
Frasier: Now go away!
Martin: What ever for! What's going on here.
Frasier: Clive, is Daphne's old boyfriend, she's trying to let him
down easily, by pretending to married to Niles.
Niles: So, this is my place. Frasier is staying here temporarily,
because he's separated from Maris.
Martin: You couldn't stand her either, huh? [Martin & Frasier
laugh.]
Niles: [dull:] That's very amusing.
Martin: Do I still live here?
Frasier: Yes, of course you do, but I think for this evening it would
be best if you just excused yourself. You see it involves
quick thinking and improvisation skills. And a knack to
remembering details.
Martin: I never used any of those skills as an undercover cop.
Niles: Please don't be offended.
Martin: [sits down.] No, I'm not offended, my two sons have just
said I've got oatmeal for brains.
Daphne and Clive enter with yet more complications.
Clive: So, Daphne tells me that you two are both psychiatrists.
Frasier: Yes.
Clive: Fascinating. Are you a psychiatrist as well Marty?
Martin: Me, no I'm retired.
Clive: What did you do?
Martin: [looking evily at the Crane boys.] I was an astronaut.
This causes Niles and Daphne to nearly faint onto the couch. Frasier
turns round in sudden disbelief.
Clive: Really! Have you actually flew space missions?
Martin: Yeah, a couple. Me and Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin. You know
it was me that gave him his nickname Buzz, you know. Most
people think it's coz he flew fast. Not true! He was scared
of bees.
The doorbell rings. This has to be the most hilarious part of the
episode. There is no dialogue, just a silence of disbelief. We just
know who it's going to be.
Frasier: Who is it?
Roz: [knocking:] Open up Frasier, it's me.
Martin: What do you know, it's Maris.
Frasier slowly peers behind the door.
Roz: [with opera glasses in hand:] Here, are your stupid opera
glasses. Are we friends again?
Frasier: Yes, darling! [hugs and kisses her. He whispers:] We're
married!
Roz: What?
Frasier: We're married!
Roz: What?
Frasier: Just play along!
Clive: Well their little tiffs over.
Frasier: Maris Crane, this is Mr. Clive Roddy. [Roz is overcome by
Clive.]
Clive: It's a pleasure!
Roz: [saucily:] Mine too. So, how long have you been in Seattle?
Frasier: [taking Roz away.]Cupcake,Well, if you'll excuse me, we
could do with a moment alone. Come with me darling. [Roz and
Frasier go out onto the balcony.]
Niles: So, now you've met the whole Crane clan!
Clive: All though, Daphne, I noticed in the phone book, your
surname still is Moon.
Niles: That must be an old book. Now she hyphenates. It's
Moon-Crane.
Martin: I remember the first time I ever drove a moon crane. I
nearly rolled it into the sea of tranquillity.
Niles: So Clive, what do you do?
Daphne: Still mucking about with cars I see. [points to some axel
grease on his hand.]
Clive: Oh, my hands, no I helped a man change his tires on the way
over here, don't have enough time as I used to. What with my
business and all. [Daphne gives a horrified look, Niles is
more horrified.]
Daphne: Your business?
Clive: Well after you left, I remembered the advice you gave me,
and it all made sense.
Daphne: What advice?
Clive: Well you know, "get a job you lazy get", that sort of thing,
so I took a few business courses and opened up a little
sport'n'good shop, next thing you know I had three of them.
Daphne: [half to Niles:] Well isn't this ironic! [she moves Niles
hand from her knee and onto his, then to Niles:] All these
years I've nagged him to make something with himself.
[hardly to Niles basically telling him to stop the acting:]
And now look at him, captain of industry, and still as
handsome as ever.
Niles: Yes, well, send in the clowns! [Roz and Frasier enter from
the balcony.] Don't bother, they're here.
Frasier: Well, bad news, it seems my Maris has to run off, she's got
a previous engagement.
Martin: Oh forget about your engagement, Maris, stay for dinner.
Frasier: Well actually...
Roz: [broad smile:] I'd love to.
Clive: Lovely, we can celebrate you two being reconciled.
Roz: That is still tenative, it could go either way.
Daphne looks appaled at Roz, as if to say "leave off!". Eddie has
now jumped on the chair.
Clive: Hello there what's his name?
Daphne, Niles, Frasier, Roz and Martin look at each other for a
while, until they all shout out "Eddie". Later, we resume during
dinner. Martin is telling one of his wonderful space stories from
his bank of fairy tales.
Martin: So there I was, floating 20 feet up in the chamber, when
some idiot turns off the weightless button and down I come
on this big pick axe, we used for moon rocks! [Frasier
dispairs].
Clive: And you still walk with a cane.
Martin: Que Sera Sera. I better turn in, boys.
Frasier: Don't forget your warm glass of tang.
Clive: It was an honour meeting you commander.
Martin: Yeah, I had fun too. Goodnight all! [leaves.]
All: Goodnight. [Niles says "Goodnight DAD"]
Clive: Delicious meal, Daphne. [Frasier and Niles leave.] Can't
remember the last time I ate so much.
Roz: Well that explains your fantastic physique.
Daphne: Yes, you are looking wonderfully firm. [feels his six pack.]
Yes and that little tummy.
Roz: Do you work out?
Clive: When I can. Actually, my shops keep me pretty busy.
Niles: [enters taking plates:] Daphne and I have our own little
excercise regement. We work up quite a sweat, don't we
darling! [leaves]
Daphne: I can't get over it, it's like you're a whole different
person. [aimed in Niles' direction:] A WHOLE DIFFERENT
PERSON!!
Frasier: [peering out of kitchen with coffee jug:] Well whose for
coffee?
Daphne: I'll give you a hand.
Daphne enters the kitchen in her fleet of madness. Frasier turns
round ready for a tough journey.
Daphne: Would you please tell Roz to stop flirting! Has she
forgotten she is a married woman!
Frasier: Oh you're one to talk, if you battered your eyelashes any
harder, you'd blow out the candles!
Daphne: You get rid of her now, or it's "Rattlesnake Ridge" for you.
Frasier: You wouldn't!
Daphne: Oh wouldn't I! And by the way, Stinky needs a ride. [Frasier
gasps.]
Daphne and Frasier go back into the dining area. Roz is reading
Clive's palms, until Frasier intervenes.
Roz: And according to your love lines, what a naughty little..
Frasier: Maris, I don't know about you, but I'm exhausted!
Roz: See you at home. More wine please.
Daphne: Oh, are you sure that's wise dear. Remember that blackout
you had last month. [laughs.] What am I saying? Of course
you don't.
Niles: That's what I love about her, her sense of humour. Cookie
darling?
Daphne: No thankyou, [to Roz's face:] some of us do look after our
weight!
Roz: Now, now Daphne. You have to keep your strength up. You are
eating for two. [Niles drops the cookie plate.]
Clive: You're having a baby?! When you were planning on springing
that news!
Daphne: We don't like to bring that up. It's a sore point around
here, what with my sister in law being barren an' all.
Niles: Now, now, it's not her fault, you see my brother is
impotent. [Frasier just doesn't care anymore.]
Clive: Congratulations. Is there a loo I could.. er..
Niles: Yes, yes, right there by the front door. We call it
"Frasier's Bathroom", that is why we've monogramed all the
towels with his initials. [Clive enters the bathroom.]
Frasier: Will you take a leave of your senses.
Daphne: Well she started it, hagging all over him.
Roz: What is your problem? Frasier says the only reason we're
doing this is because you wanted to give him a brush off.
Daphne: Well I changed my mind, didn't you see my signals!
Roz: Gee, I missed them, it must have been in the middle of one
of blackouts!
Niles: Wait, wait, wait, there's no need to fight, I'll flip a
coin. Oh good news Roz! [Roz cheers.]
Daphne: Oh sod off! You'd think with all your dozens and dozens of
men, you'd at least leave one for me.
Roz: Dozens? [to Frasier:] Did you tell her that?
Frasier: Well forgive me for keeping track.
Niles: Why are you fighting over that man anyway, he's got all the
charm of a cricket bat!
Roz: You're right. [Clive enters, Roz & Daphne doesn't notice.]
You know what, Daphne you can have him. You can have him,
he's yours.
Daphne: Oh fat chance, I've got now, you've told him I'm pregnant.
How am I supposed to get rid of this bloody baby! [sees
Clive, they all turn round in hysterics.]
Frasier: Hi, coffee?
Clive: No, thankyou, I really should be going.
Daphne: No, no, please, I know what you must think, but we're not
what we seem.
Clive: You certainly arn't. Look, I know I'm a guest here, so I've
kept silent so far. But I'm sorry, I must speak. You're the
most appalling family I've ever met. [to Frasier:] You
breaking up with your wife over a pair of opera glasses. [to
Niles:] And you, looking down your nose at me the entire
time you were showing off your "posh flat". Well, to be
honest mate, I don't think there's anything remotely special
about your bathrooms. [Frasier is offended.] [Then to the
girls:] And you two women, flirting shamelessly with me
right in front of your husbands. [to Roz:] You having just
reconciled with Frasier, [to Daphne:] And you carrying Niles'
baby. Well, I pity your child Daphne and I pity any good man
that adjusts a girl that comes here to this vile coffee
swilling Sodam, and lets it change her like it's change
you.
Daphne: But I haven't changed really, we're not the awful people you
think we are.
Frasier: No, the truth is, we've been lying to you all night!
Daphne: Yes!
Clive: Well, I don't care to be lied to anymore, goodbye Daphne,
Maris, Dr. Crane, Dr. Crane. I'll never understand how two
men like you could be spawned from that sweet courageous old
astronaut. [he leaves]
End of Act Two (Time: 21:11)
Credits:
Frasier, Daphne & Niles are sitting on the couch. Daphne offers
Frasier a biscuit, which he eats, she eats a biscuit and offers one
to Niles. He takes his tweasers and puts the bits into his old
cherry glass.
Legal Stuff
This episode capsule is copyright 1999 by Nick Hartley. With
additional thanks to typo spotter Les Faby This episode summary
remains property of Frasier, Copyright of Paramount Productions and
NBC. Printed without permission.
